It's often been said, Life is a journey. And I'm realizing how true that is, these days.
I'm feeling the world-weariness of it all, wondering if where I am is where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm sure this feeling does take hold of almost all of us at times. When bad things befall us. Maybe a natural disaster, a loss of loved one/s, some terminal illness, or new beginnings. I wonder if it's a better place for me to work in a secure (government or otherwise) job, keeping my head low, doing my work and end of the day, not much personal, emotional issues, and I am secure in the fact I can retain a comfortable salary and a comfortable life. But I don't know if this is what I want. Just a few years ago, I was in a more confident position, at the start of my career. I wanted to be entrepreneurial and work hard for startup companies or doing something creative, meaningful and at the end of the day make many connections. I had cherished hopes of being a travel host as I was promised, of doing something significant.
Ministry was going well too when each week I saw my cell getting more new people, until we had to break into different parts of the host's house - 2 groups in the hall, 1 in the dining area and 1 in the walkway. I remember the exciting and difficult times. The Boyfriend asked me if I would support him if he were to venture into starting his own business. A few years ago, I would have not hesitated, and said, go ahead, I will support you in whatever you choose to do for your life. But now, I am scared. Dealings with sleazebags who try to find loopholes have left me apprehensive about going into that kind of industry. I recall a time when I helped someone's (a church friend!) startup find a temp staff who happened to be my close friend(also in same church). Who knows, when the contract was over, the startup boss used all kinds of excuses not to pay the worker. Stating that the performance was not satisfactory, he haven't calculated the compensation, something wrong with the check...He kept my friend waiting for almost a month after she finished the job. This is not right, is it? It's true you meet all sorts of people, the 'little' and the 'great' - those 'little' ones 'belittle you', the 'great ones make you great' - a friend had wrote. I was thinking, how true. But sadly we are surrounded by more little ones than great ones. Maybe my thinking now is to cling on to a stable job with a good income until it runs dry, rather than finding a passion which I love doing. And in rational-thinking that might well be better for my bank account and my personal, emotional state.
There are many things that can make people depressed or 'down', big things, small things, sometimes I find that despite all efforts to keep cheerful (After all, there isn't anything major happening that can cause me to feel sad), I feel a melancholy of sorts, a kind of anxiety when I think about the near future. True, there are many things that can go wrong, like unexpected accidents, or changes in company or even government policy. But... ...nothing's gone wrong yet, nor should I have the doomsday approach and think of the worst-case scenario in everything. It's nice to know there are options to consider, and nice to know of friends who will pray.
Maybe it's just past issues that suddenly creep up, or the overwhelming feeling that although it all seems good, it is not. As all Christians would say, hold on to God's promises. And count your blessings. I am trying to...
Posts
