*...a purposeful life...

Diverted, diluted...distracted;(continued)

Woo!
Had a nice time at The Other Beach yesterday. I found a nice shady spot at bbq pit 39, Area D. A huge shady spot with nice white sands, suitable for a big group or just alone. Well, I also get diluted when I don't spend enough time with myself. I do enjoy being with people very, very much. But sometimes I just need a break, to be alone, to think about some things. I like that. I like to be far from the crowd and just chill at a lonely spot, I don't feel scared or bored at all...Yesterday, I intentionally woke up earlier to catch the morning sun, and to be with myself before the members came. It was tough, the temptation to sleep in especially on a holiday... But yes, once I hear my Palmer alarm I have to get up. Was musing on soem things in life. Like, does everything in life has a reason (spiritual significance) to it? I guess the answer is not as important as the process to finding out the answer and being convicted by it. If you are spiritually-prone, you will attract others to share deeply about this stuff to you too. So I want to cultivate this habit of always, thinking about God. I do think about Him a lot, and tell Him about every issue that I have on my mind. It's fantastic how, if you allow Him to shape your character and reveal some truths, you will be able to be such a better person. There's really no point in harping about what happened to me last year and how drastically I was affected by it. I'd rather move on as fast as it takes, and help others to do so, too.

Temptations are common to man. It doesn't mean that if you are distracted by matters of the heart, you should cease the affection. Hey, everyone's human after all, and take it positively, I have learnt lots of life lessons through every failed romance. Perhaps I would prefer not to learn it the hard way, but slowly am beginning to realise some truths about my character, and how I can change it now, to be the best possible mate & wife to my husband. I think I was not facing up to some things in the past, how I couldn't reject others in some areas, how easy it was for me to do certain things, perhaps it speaks of a lack of moral integrity in certain areas of my life, or a more open upbringing. But no matter how we were brought up, strictly, or otherwise, we've gotta make those hard life decisions. It defines YOU as a person. And also, secretly people respect you for it, although 99% of the time, they will NEVER NEVER tell you. (Except for me, I am that 1%...haha)

And I realised too that, sometimes we blame others for how we are - our flaws. I always do that and I think many people too. I mean, if it's something small like, a minor disagreement between friends, it's ok. But in the long run, don't blame others for your ineffectiveness. One thing I can think about is my lack of speaking Chinese fluently. I used to be able to do it at a passable level, even though most Singaporeans laugh at me, other kinder people from mainly chinese speaking places are more encouraging. I actually speak and understand it better in Malaysia, partly because, those who speak Chinese don't understand English at all, so the brain is stressed to find the accurate word, and thus the brain performs better. All of us produce results better under stress. =) Well, it is a fact that my poor command of the mother tongue stems from my upbringing - surprisingly, my Dad is the only one out of his 9 siblings who speaks English this well, having been sent to an English mission school when everyone else was sent to chinese schools, and Mom was in the same scenario as well. So out of my whole extended family, unfortunately we are the only ones that can't communicate in dialect and the mother tongue.

I could blame this situation on many factors, but also, it is my fault really. Just because I found the language difficult, I gave up on it, and it gave up on me. It's been said that you will find what you are looking for, if you really search hard for it. That's true, and vice versa too.

There are some people who never really grew up. Physically, maybe they are in their 30s, 40s...but deep inside, they are only just starting to know themselves emotionally. Maybe they spend too much time thinking/doing other things and, not cultivating themselves. Maybe they were too sheltered during their teenage years. Maybe, whatever. But it's sad that they are like this. I wanted to help someone once, to get back on his feet, even if it meant wasting my time and effort (Had no money to offer, also). I felt that I was sure to succeed, given my penchant for positivity and encouragement. I really don't complain, and also, seldom say anything negative if not constructive. But being in the company of a draining person for some time would affect even the most positive person. Soon, the drain gets to you and you become tired, too. Even having a low morale - which affects not only yourself, but I think in every area of your life. That is why it is so important to realise how deep an impact words and thoughts (and actions) can have on yourself and others. So, actually it makes sense to want to constantly improve yourself and change for the better.