With each passing day

I think this is in one of the Pacific Islands, probably Vanuatu or New Caledonia.

Okay, so we have exchanged more than 100 smses. Not that I'm keeping count; but my stupidphone (opposite of smartphone) can only keep up to 500 smses and it will blink 'full'.

I will be really dismayed when I have to delete them.

Mr A is someone whose 'action speaks louder than words' - not that he is very action-packed, haha, but the way he speaks out demonstrates his 'care and concern'. Like once when we were in the car, and it went over a bump, bumpily. Being ever blissful and happy in his presence, I was unconcerned. But he gently apologized for the bumpy ride. Awww. And lately in his smses, his concern from a quiet, sincere heart just moves me. In little ways, like yesterday, asking if I'm caught in the heavy afternoon rain ( I was out on a recee.) Or during mealtimes, smsing if I had already taken my lunch, or dinner. When we came back in the morning from Seletar Reservoir, it had started raining - I was totally fine with dashing to my lift lobby, but dear Mr A went to grab a brolly from the back of the car - and got his back drenched in the process. (As, his car had auto-lock and I had to spend some time figuring how to open the back door.) I was so touched I wanted to, umm, wipe him dry... but I refrained. Haha. 

I've always wished for a man like that. Even without speaking it out, sometimes we both know what each other is thinking about - or, when I have some not-so-good opinions which I diplomatically don't wish to express, he will somehow sense the things left unsaid, and keep saying 'tell me' adamantly till I accede. I appreciate these little things, and I firmly believe that it's the little things that make or break it. It's still strange times, when we find ourselves comfortable yet unfamiliar with each other. On one hand, he's the closest person in my life right now. On the other, is it a matter of too close, too soon? While I prefer to remain idealistic and calmly state that I do not want to give any time frame to... getting to know and understand and love someone, neither do I want to venture into unchartered and therefore riskier waters. I find myself missing him when we do not communicate, be it on the phone, or in other ways... just a little longing. And I think he does, too - last two nights have been nice long-ish talks on the phone - I always feel bad for disrupting his sleep pattern, Mr A goes to bed at 1115 everyday, whereas me, can sleep later as I hit office later. And he feels bad too, because I get quite 'high' from talking to him, and most of the time find it hard to drift to sleep after. Being an extrovert I think I suck all his life energy, thus he sleeps peacefully while...I just can't! But still, the happy bubble floats to the next day.

I think I can survive without sleep as long as I have love.

Hahahahahha!

A wise lady whom I've always looked up to once gave me this advice last year.

I've never forgotten it, really.

If there is someone you have in mind, or maybe the person has you in mind... she told me to ask me this question: Do you foresee yourself spending a lifetime with him?

It's a really simple question really, and it shouldn't have to be told to us... but I think all of us grow a little blind, and deaf, and stupid when matters of the heart are involved. Sometimes we get a little insecure, or lost, or lonely, or feel that we have no better choice. But we always have a better choice - even if it means being single 'at this age!?!', I think it's better off than making a lifetime mistake. And I've had plenty of opportunities to make this kind of mistakes. As what Alkitab proclaimed into my life, "I'm so happy for you! Don't you trust God that He has a better one in store for you? And see, you've met him!" =)

Sometimes we don't realize that if the person is someone who... keeps making us worry about them by suddenly disappearing, or not showing that they are someone you can trust, or someone who is alright really, but there is a glaring fact you choose to omit, like - hey, there is an obvious language barrier, or certain things you can't stand about him, his couch-potatoness ('Eh, you need umbrella? Get it yourself la') , his alpha-maleness('Carry my sunglasses for me. Carry my backpack for me. Go fetch me the newspaper.') , his bitterness ('Why do you keep bringing up the past, things that happened donkey years ago???'), his quietness ('Eh, no response? Say something?? Am I talking to myself again... ')... etc... will you be able to stand it for a lifetime? ...Really?

But this Mr A, even though none of us have broached the topic yet (and if it does not come to pass, I still confirm I am assured and submit myself to His Will)... we have made small faux pas sometimes, like talking about future trips we will make together, where we envision him diving and me, reading a book on the beach and catching salamanders...or cooking for each other, he is going to make me spaghetti and meatballs... and I have to whip up my clan's specialty, hainanese chicken rice. 

I feel like... hey, we will never run out of topics to talk about despite talking endlessly, for days, on a deserted island, etc. Last night I was mumbling, sleepily, to him, 'Umm, how nice if I don't have to work tomorrow... ...

... ...Then, I can talk to you until the next morning.'

=)  

it's just the way we're wired

Chester likes 'a christmas story' and was incredibly surprised I'd dedicated it to him. I'm glad he likes it... makes me happy inside.

He emailed me back from somewhere in between Dubai and Taiwan, saying-


I guess at the end of the day, we all want our happily ever after - it's just the way we're wired. I hope you get yours.

That's true isn't it. I've realized that me writing, talking and feeling about love related issues lately has made the people around me more attuned, more desirous to have that 'happily ever after' too. Even previously nonchalant Kie has been infected, as his christmas card to me would attest.

I've also realized that I don't know Zero as well as I'd previously thought. It sure is nice to have a best friend around whom with you can share and yabber on without feeling embarassed or at ill ease. But also, the bond seems to disintegrate when both parties are absent from each other. I feel as though I no longer have that valued, treasured connection with him, that a wall of silence separates us. Where art thou.

And I have so many questions that are yet, left unanswered.

And sooooo leetle time, my friend...

Today, at the Office...

The Boss: "Hey Rach, you and me will have to sit down about half an hour together each day to watch through our content."
Me: (nods)

Feeling touched? Don't be. Lately when The Boss says "you and me", it means me.
When The Boss says, I will do it, means Spiritedly will be the one doing it.

you + me = me
he = me
me = overworked and underpaid. They usually come in a pair...



Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you? -Walt Whitman

A lil pocket of time...


Meatball's in Bali (so near yet so far), Superman is dropping by here for a couple of days next week, and then again; two weeks later.PS Chua is coming back in July.
And Chester is back, yay!

When you know you won't get to see the person again for a long, long time later, such meetings take on more significance.

Like you just want to squeeze in a year's worth of life anecdotes into one night's session of chatting. Emails can never express your thoughts the way a phone call or face-to-face chat can.

Familiarity breeds contempt. It's true, when someone is always there, like your longsuffering wife, you fail to realise how important she is to you. Only when maybe, she falls sick, or goes away on a trip. Then you realise that all the nights you spent outside with your drinking buddies, you would gladly exchange for a night of just looking into each other's eyes with the deep comfort and understanding that, I know you, I love you, and I want it to be this way for the rest of my life.

It's hard to find that pocket of time in our cluttered world. That few hours of bliss, happy moments just spent in each other's presence. Maybe in our city life, it proves almost impossible to find. And all of us, walking so fast, looking but not seeing, never understanding other people, only caring about ourselves.

And maybe this busy city life has hurt us. So that we put up barriers, shape ourselves to be a little more mean to people, not wanting to show concern lest it gets misunderstood, pretending to be argumentative and irritating just because we are scared to show we care. So that's the way we live, talking about life, but not really sharing.

But deep inside all of us, we crave for that connection, the bonding that can only come about with wanting to understand ourselves, and others. Even if we have spent all our time and effort helping someone, only to see the person still remain the same, does it mean we stop, and never try again?

I treasure deep, sustainable relationships, something I don't allow just anyone to build with me. Maybe like you, I tend to put up barriers. Boundaries. But are they just an excuse for protecting our hearts?

Sometimes it requires heartbreak to realise your passion.

And I know that once - this moment in time is passed, we will never be able to get it back again. Maybe I'm sadist, already missing the time spent, when I can still spend it. Or more realistic, knowing that things will change, we will all grow up, move on, move away, change and be different, that I am being nostalgic now. I'll change too , I change too fast.

But I will remember you. Always!

Friendship again

Overheard at The Office:

"In our line, we really need favor.
Favor with Man...Favor with God."

Latest film ratings:

Death Note 2 : 1 outta 5 (Horrid, weak plot with too many asinine mind games. The first one was good so I guess it's just riding on the popularity.)

Blood Diamond : 5 stars! (Strong cast, beautiful cinematography balanced with the violent shooting and the beautiful landscape. Great acting by Leonardo Di Caprio, Jennifer Connelly and the Djimon guy. He deserves the award, I would say.)

Really excited going to hkt over the weekend. I'm quite assured that some of my colleagues are 'professional' shoppers and eaters, judging by the fabulous lunches I get treated to all the time, I'm confident they can source out the place for the best tim sum.

And every night we are going to scour hkt for the best bargain finds. I'm expecting myself to be an expert after going there. Not like some who only go to a place to sip the coffee there, it's going to be another adventure for me!

I mean, I'm glad I'm excited. Some of my friends travel so much, they laugh at my excited-ness. I'm glad I'm not like them. Boooo. I didn't get to travel last year so the humanitarian trip to Aceh was my last destination. I hope to go back there again someday. It's strange how the years flies by. Was just thinking of taking a church course together with Travis, we coincidentally took the first part of the course together, "7 Steps" and now the "14 Steps" (Just kidding... I don't know what the next part is called) and I realised the first part of the course I took it when I was 1X years old... which is FIVE years ago!!! Seems like such a dreadfully long time ain't it.

One thing good about friendship with guys is that no matter how much time has lapsed, you still have the same 'feel' with them, it's like as though nothing has happened in this space of time. Most of all, they still remember you as you were, even asking you those nuggets of information only remembered perhaps, by those who care. My guy friends are nice that way. Travis, very surprisingly, told me that I "exuded an inner glow of radiant happiness" - or rather, he meant that but did not put it in that way. I shyly said it was because I had to look good for serving, but I thought it was rather sweet of him to say that, knowing he seldom says anything like this... I mentioned it to Jelly, another one whom I've recently re-established friendship with, and he remarked: Oh, I thought you ALWAYS looked like this! Wah...I'm over the moon. Score points again!? Jelly's sweet too, just a bit wooden which I believe under my tutelage, he will emerge...not-so-wooden. Wooden shoulders are better to cry on than metallic ones anyways! Haha!

I've also turned a relationship-guru-of-sorts to those hapless guys. I think they are sincerely interested to know, 'what women want', for the lack of a better term; but they never dare to ask. Or perhaps, don't know WHAT to ask. On the way back with 3 guys, was telling Shiner and the rest how to...woo a girl, or how to let the girl you like know you like her without being horrid. I shared once, during my immature and insensitive days (alright, I am still insensitive...) a guy schoolmate of mine professed his infatuation over the phone. Being really oblivious to his anguish and suffering, I laughed out loud. Really LOL! This guy was quite a joker, and never before hearing this tone of voice on him, I thought he was pulling another one of his wisecracks. He was quite patient and then asked again: "If you don't mind, would you consider going out with me?" My reply: "You are joking, right...hahahahaha..." Looking back, I must have bruised his poor ego for he avoided me for some time. But if this kind of question pops up out of the blue, most females will have no clue that you have been suffering for so long. Perhaps our egos are not so huge to think that there are guys even having the hots for us.

So, a word of advice I gave was to not suddenly ask the poor gal out for coffee, and then pop the question of, I'm interested in seeing more of you, if you want to date me. Very scary for most.

Maybe can follow my darling who just dated me and then... got his way... hur hur hur! No la... he did ask me, too! Sweetheart!

Yeah the word of advice would be... give lots of hints first.
What hints?
More on that, in our next meetup....Also, one of the most important things to make her yours. A factor every gal would agree with me is important... but no guy seems to 'get it right'.

Good day!