Stiff

Tidak merasa cemas.
Jangan menyerah.

So tired. Tired of thinking, seeing, knowing, feeling. Tired of smiling, talking, walking, sighing.
Came home early and slept like the dead for 5 hours... now I'm stiff, and cold. It's as if someone took my vitality away 'while I was gone' and now my body's half alive. I slept on my right arm last night and now it aches like hell.

I guess that if you look for encouragement you will find it. It's funny how people often antagonize each other by assuming things that they don't really know; yet bond together when their hearts are softened by a hurt look or a deep sharing. And in those moments, a closer emotional tie is formed. I lament the superficiality of friendships now, for most people it means having a drnking buddy or just someone to listen to their chatterings, anyone. I'm particular in the friends I choose to share to. Not discriminating amongst those I make friends with, but on a deeper level, there are few who choose to show the resilience and maturity I long for. In my darkest moments, I wish for someone who can be as uninhibited by the norms like I am, that he would just prop me up because I feel that I have no strength, and I would just flop to the floor, that he would give me a nice hug to make me feel warm outside, even though I'm so cold inside. Just for a little while, to feel that I'm snugly tucked in, shielded from the big world and all its vast monstrosities, to hear a soothing voice tell me, sincerely, that he will protect me and make sure no harm will ever come to me... and knowing what I know, I believe him.