Shiner: After the la-di-da period, what next?

All of us affect the lives of the people around us to some extent, whether we realise it or not.

The kids today were... clingy as usual, Masato pretended to be a rock star whilst Nathaniel kept hugging my knee and Zachary followed me everywhere, tugging at my pants and grabbing my head. Hansel was charmingly naughty as usual but did not pay me as much attention as before. I did miss the kisses - I guess he sensed I was not needing it, haha. Leonard is 'the guy you wanna take home to your mum'...he wasn't clingy like the rest and talked intelligently, and chose to sit beside me and asked me to take out his waterbottle for him... and his protective nature for his sister, the way he sees things it way mature for his age, he's going to be a heart-breaker when he grows up. Reminds me of my SL Leonard too... and Jael, so quiet with the big eyes and button nose, so adorable, the kind of guy I want for my kid. Or mate. Wonder why the girls aren't as attracted to me, I guess I had too many males surrounding me. See, I attract guys of all ages... (-_-) Except those my age, perhaps... Service ended early so we had a pillow fight. It was fun! Just laughing and throwing cushions at each other. I wish we could do that more often! And Zachary was so attached to me that when I saw him later with his parents, he left his mother, (much to her surprise), came and held on to my hands, and asked me if I could go home with him. Awww...

Being with kids, you cannot help but forget yourself, and just have fun, the way you used to, but you forgot you left that part of yourself somewhere you cannot remember.

Tried so hard to keep my Aceh trip from Sheepy, the truth was finally revealed yesterday! I'm so mischievous, just wanted to see his 'shocked look' which is really rare as most of the time he has this serene, peaceful, gentle expression... I thought he knew about it already due to the email that was sent out to the team members which has my obvious email on it, but apparently he did not take note. Yay! Saw me carrying a Indonesian language text, lent by Frankie, and chirped to me...thus realising that I'm going too! At first I had asked him to pray, along with the rest of my prayer mates, for me, regarding an issue, something very important to me, something that I needed to see come to pass. Previously, he was puzzled and asked me what it was pertaining to...relationships? What? I cheekily replied that it was in the category of "personal, general" and left it at that.

I had the pleasure of seeing his 'shocked look' - which was one teamed with a beaming expression, yes, hilarious! well, I'm glad he's glad and I can't wait to blast the concrete into tiny pieces. I'll play and play and play there, it will be so so fun! Throw cement on Shiner! Mudfight! Plus, I'll be toned and tanned when I come back.

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Thought about many things today, some I need answered, some just hoping - but the hope subsides with time. Still, inside I know who I am, and more importantly, my identity in Christ. I tend to forget that sometimes, that I can be used in every situation to declare the truth - something I am aware of, but being inward looking, tend to miss the opportunity. When my aim in ministry is to see lives being changed, and I don't see it happening as quickly as it should, I tend to get disheartened, even losing my sense of purpose. Of course, support does matter, immensely. Through this season of soul-searching I know I'm going to be stronger than before. I just need some help to get through it. It's sad when people you love don't understand, and even question your actions and feelings and deem them to be something that they think I don't give much thought to.

I'm puzzled by Shiner's weird reactions lately to my ruminations. Previously when he used to give me encouragement and support in every endeavor, he now holds back, and skeptically asks me questions. Questions that he does not want me to give answers to, but just to reflect on the importance of what is being said; or rather, the nuances behind what I say. Memo says this is because people of his 'type' value words - so much, that they would never say something they did not mean. Well, it doesn't mean that I say things that I don't care about.

Shiner keeps harping about the importance of not neglecting my feelings, which is something important to me, but not that I would like to focus upon it. It's as if our 'la-di-da' period is over, and now we are constantly having minor disagreements. I feel as though I've turned him into someone more critical...And he's turning me into someone that he wants to see things his way. Stubbornly, I can't and I won't... which pains me as all along I though he was someone who tried to understand me... but maybe I was assuming he did, all along.

I won't forget the 'sweet and disgustingly touching thing' he said to me, because I know it's something that I hold on to, the words that gives me strength throughout this season. But when I take his promise as it is, and being as responsible for my thoughts and actions as I am; telling him honestly; being accountable...! He poohs my words and tells me to give some thought. Shiner, I'm already giving too much thought...you are not helping...