My Dearest Friends...

I thought about the things I think about, and I realised that these were not 'important' things like 'career', 'money', 'politics', etc... but rather, stuff that matters to my heart - people, places, music... Remembering with fondness how I miss certain places or certain people though I am sure that they no longer hold a place in my heart, but just the memory of them brings nolstagic nuances that reminds you of perhaps a place in time where, feeling low, you turned to that person for encouragement; or perhaps the place is where you longed for , a place of respite, or one where you can just be yourself, by yourself. I haven't wrote in my journal for 3 weeks or longer now, it's just a space in time where the empty pages speak louder than the scribbled words. Am I always faithful to my memory and thoughts, writing down everything as I comprehended it to be? Not quite. Not even on blogging, although I blog mainly for myself, I cannot blatantly put down others' misdeeds or my opinions' of them, lest it may influence others to think likewise. And perhaps, once these thoughts became reality in words, I, too, may influence myself to have this perspective of the person and this perspective alone.

It's wonderful to be in love. It's wonderful to have feelings for people, even feelings or loneliness or missing someone just because they are on another continent and not coming back anytime soon. Perhaps my feelings for these can be 'grouped' together into an overarching sentiment of all the people that I've missed, who are overseas, or just in Singapore but no longer 'around' - separated for reasons unknown. Flashbacks of the time, love, and effort I spent last year over new friendships, that now, barely a year later, are almost forgotten or relegated to the empty box in the furtherest corridor of the brain's memory. Perhaps a part of my heart breaks each time I see how these could-be meaningful friendships collapse within such a short span of time. Or I'm tired - I just give up at investing my life in other people, but just 'wait and see' , hoping something good will happen. Or rather, I already have best friends and some people I'm sure I can garner support from any time, and it's just not worth the effort to go and look for someone new. Sometimes I lack the initiative to ask people out or return phone calls just because I think I'm too tired or they are not worth my effort.

I'm wary now of those that hanker after my time, knowing that they are unreliable and may hypersensitively turn on me, or only use me for my abilities and don't have a positive contribution to my life. People, who are ungenerous of their own resources, yet at the slightest thing ask for help from others. They smile so sweetly all the time that I'm tempted to do the favor, but after, a tad drained, I have to replenish my energy from other sources, and tell myself, 'never again'. Then one day, they will just disappear from your life, stop contacting you or perhaps they have found another, more willing, to be unwittingly made use of. Pity those who are like this. Pity more, those who fall in love with people like this.

I'm glad that through my tarried life I've found gems that I can keep always. Like Mr BestFriend, Anel, Izac, ChowChow, Ches... They might never know how much I love them, even willing to contribute all my resources to them in any difficulty. I remember how I confided to Anel after a bad relationship and a misguided one. She just said that I could count on her for support... ... And sometimes, that's enough. I remember how every weekend Mr BestFriend and I would take long Sunday afternoon walks through our estate, even though it would take him about an hour from my place to his, he never complained. I loved those times when we would just talk, both in slacker mode after a long week's study. ChowChow was always encouraging through the crushes we shared and our ruminations about expectations and what God held in store for us.

It's only in introspection that we begin to remember, and relearn certain principles that we were taught since young - the beauty and importance of friendships.

Sadly in fast-paced Singapore, we no longer have the chance to spend days, not even hours, with the ones we cherish. The usual 'date' for couples would be to catch a movie - those funny romance light hearted types; and then after, hang out at some park or a coffee place, or window shopping around town, then head home. Everybody's schedules be it work or school, clash, and group outings of favored friends, become few - class reunions, once a year, and even so, many absent faces. Work is my priority, as I have to earn an income, but people are also my priority too. They are the ones to cheer you up, they are the ones who know you, really know you, and the ones I turn to for relationship advice, or planning my finances.

I hope that my regret would not be that 'I wished I had spent more time with XXx'...

But really to savor, and treasure every moment spent.

Yes, by now I'm sure it is evident that I'm a quality time person.

But I was not, and for the last 3 years my friendships were in neglect and I'm tremendously grateful though, that they can be restored. Renewed. Rejuvenated. Thanks for waiting, for me to be mature, to know things as they are now.

I promised myself that I would not neglect them again, even being attached again, they are also a priority.

And so it won't, I hope. Here goes!