Fallen - I've tried

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

-Sarah MaLachlan, "Fallen".

Though I've tried, picking up the pieces, igniting memories that once were, that should-not-be, struggling to be non-conventional in a society that despises the poor and the weird, with churning changes all around me, I've tried. I've tried.

I've tried not to care so much about others' feelings, I've tried to be selfish and only be inward looking...But through all my actions, it seems as though I still care.

I've tried to keep a distance, to keep at arms' length, to hold, to resist. Yet for all the efforts, I dream about it. My subconscious plagues me to return. Yet I cannot, although I want to. I will remember everything, that is me and my photographic memory's promise... although for now, just let me be. Fact is, I'm tired. I'm tired of changing and changing. Changing my mind, changing my opinions, my mindsets... what remains constant is my beliefs, which are already wavering in the face of all these changes. I'm tired of this world, of being here in this locale, with narrow minded people full of their own obstinate, insensible thoughts. I'm tired of having no one who truly understands me; and the very people who do, I fear getting too close to them and repeating my mistakes. I'm tired of people thinking they know me, but the fact is, just because they exchange a few words with me, doesn't mean that they understand me or my thought process or my relationships with other people or my spiritual level - and that doesn't give them the right to speak about anything pertaining to my interests whatsoever. I'm tired of the limelight, of the controversies that shows the downside of human nature. I just want to be myself, low-profile, going about doing what I long to. I'm tired of leading people that are non-movers, non-shakers...those that need a wake-up call. I wish I could just switch off my engine for a while and let someone else take over. I need a leader,too.

I'm tired of talking to people who don't understand. Who don't even try. Who start monologues of their own.

I need someone, too. To listen beyond what is being said.

That, to me, is a good listener. More than anything else.

I have not made up my mind. I'm afraid to. I don't know what my mind is thinking. Grr.