Trip to Banda Aceh - Reflection 02

Reflections about Love, Life and Death.

Simple Love.

Just really overjoyed to be going to Banda Aceh on this trip (It's the last, until further notice) - I never really thought about how much my life was going to be impacted by it.

Well, many eventful things on the way made me realise several things about myself.

That I care a lot for the people I care a lot for. (Well, that I care, more than I realise or want to know that I do...)

That I don't really know what to do in times of emergency except to pass on information and try to remain calm.

That when I'm really traumatised I just need to hold on to someone and not talk to anyone.

When faced with the grim realities of death, I shudder to accept it calmly. Even the thought of it - affecting the ones around me, I fail to comprehend the reality of the emotional turmoil that would just churn up. For a moment; just a moment when I thought that Travis - was dead - he looked like dead... and I just choked up, unable to move, unable to think, wanted to stay there until he revives...But I had to catch my flight. I guess seeing your deceased loved one for the last time, brings a sense of closure in a way, your mind just needs to reassure yourself that the person is gone, forever... (Travis is fine now although I've not seen him yet, hope to soon!) I can imagine why the tsunami victims that are alive can still bear to search through the dead bodies, staring at the empty, ravaged faces, one by one. For one last time, to see their loved one. Perhaps death has never hit so close to home - I am bouyed by a sort of hopeful bubble that death will not easily hit close to home. Perhaps that is why people who have had faced death early in life are better conditioned to take such trauma. Even through my darkest and bitterest moments, I never thought of death as a way to end it all. Perhaps in my utopia, death does not need to exist. But having seen Mr BestFriend's gf's suicide and being in Aceh, with the devastation all around, I think I've seen a bit more of the world.

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In Aceh (and as well as in many other villages in the world I presume), one just needs to be of age, have a need, want to start a family, find a wife, bear children... and the cycle goes on. I don't understand how it can be so simple for these people... Then again, shouldn't it be the case? I believe that after the tsunami, those whose spouses are dead, are encouraged to find another woman, to look after their children, to find a helpmate. Simple love has its simple pleasures. I don't think I can understand that, ever. To love me, a man must know my soul.

As usual, the girls were having girl-talk in the girls' room at night, and as usual, some well-meaning souls will try to advise me on what they think I'm oblivious to...That I should consider so and so... or so and so is better, looks compatible for me. Me, usually want to avoid this topic because maybe it's not something that I and unduly concerned about(not yet, at least.) I actually said that they are all my good friends and I was not on this trip to find a soul-mate, nor would I even envision myself to be making out passionately (seriously!) with any of my good friends, so, forget it. Besides, I'm still young and... blah blah, yea, I know, all the usual excuses which the well-meaning and wise ladies would probably refute with chidings and encouragements - Still young?: you must start to find now, wait until our age, very difficult to find one that's still single and available. Good friends?:it always starts from being good friends what, look at so-and-so, etc etc...Not your type?:Opposites attract, the differences are good...

My last last excuse would be that I like younger guys, then... I think that they have nothing to say? Well, I sincerely do appreciate their thoughtfulness although I do feel a bit bugged that some of my movements are being watched with gentle encouragement.

I even told them to create opportunities for someone else, instead of me.

However, I was interested to know their views on love, and a life partner, as I do respect them, and their ideals matter to me. It varied a lot - one had many expectations, typical Singaporean ones, not unrealistic, quite commonplace actually. The other, more simplistic ones. Just a man that loves children, no bad habits, and is a christian. Some of us could not believe that she had no other hidden criterias, but perhaps, her love is a simple one, too.

The second night I stayed out, chatting with Shiner. Wanted so much to really chat with him the way we could, on the phone, before everything fell apart... And also, to stop the girl-talk(I'm not really a girl-talk kinda person I guess!) I missed the happy times, something that I cannot get back now. Perhaps having this expectation makes the whole atmosphere tense and strained. I've changed a lot in the past months, and so as he. We did disagree, I was frustrated, to say the least. Both hearing but not really listening, both wanting input but not willing to change their minds. I respect his worldview too, but it's just something that I cannot be a part of. I will never be content with a HDB flat, with simple home-cooked meals, soup with dinnertime meals (no doubt, it's delicious) with infrequent travels and... a typical life.

Too free spirited perhaps, not many share my view. But you make your life to what you want it to be. And I can accept that you want a simple life, a simple love. Just that, it's not my cup of tea and I find it hard to change that. Different expectations from different worldviews. Can't we be friends without any expectations of the other to change? Which is better? Who knows? Who will be happier, the one who stays or the one who wants to fly?

I don't really know.