Thursday, March 22, 2007

Someone somewhere out there

Miserably happy?

Was having an interesting conversation/debate with Munchkin - knowing me, sometimes I like to disagree purely for discussion's sake. Were talking about self esteem and how to... find it and whether we have low, or high self esteem. Actually I thought that both low- and high- self esteem is not good but apparently the higher it is, the better. Hating yourself can be one of the signs of low self esteem. Did not tell him this, but yes, sometimes I do hate myself. I wish I was less unconventional, that I had less obscure deep thoughts, more mainstream. Maybe I won't ever be satisfied with a mediocre life - but I hope I can. I hope I can be someone who is more 'normal'.

Sometimes I feel like nothing really matters and everything is a facade. Why do we have to live up to expectations, even our own? And if we don't, does it mean we have failed ourselves? Or is there nothing to...contextualize this in the first place. Maybe I've changed in the last few short months, or maybe I haven't - I've just found a part of myself, back from the wilderness...where I belong? Never really felt at home here, that's why I like Msia so much - but almost at once they can see that I'm not a local, too... So maybe I'm just too cosmopolitan for a suburb city girl. Ideally I would like to live on a farm/ranch for a while (provided good toilet facilities are available!) I've stopped caring about how people view me - I used t get pretty upset. Not that I'm being a jerk now, I care for not hurting anyone around me intentionally. But other than that, I just don't give a shite. =) People can say anything they like and they will, as long as I know my place in God's kingdom. I hope that I get there, one day. I have so much to say to Him.

And then, later, we talked about having a soul connection.

Not sure what brought this topic up but I thought it was a really interesting time. I relish conversations like this. I realised that I can talk like this to mostly guys - maybe girls have a shorter analytical/critical brain wavelength or something but most girls can't handle such conversations for hours. Yeah guys! And so, we dissected it.

I think having a soul connection is very important in a relationship. Soulmate. Especially in the relationship with the man I love and want to spend my whole life with. Penelope said that it's the feeling of being so close that you can just sms him/her little stupid things but it means something to both of you...and someone that you miss, daily, you will think of him the last thing before you sleep and the first before you wake up. For me, I will feel sad and empty inside if my relationship does not have this soul connection. Being soulmates just makes you want to love the person more, and is also the basis for a long, loving, lasting relationship. No matter how it will turn out to be in the future, I know that if he is my soulmate, he will just understand the way I feel, the way I am. And love me, because he is a part of me - we are two halves of the same whole. It is a beautiful thing, to have this kind of connection. You can see it in couples, too. Some have it, others don't. But maybe - as Munchkin and I discussed - some people don't really need this at all. They are perfectly content to find a mate who meets all their criterias, their negiotiables and non-negiotables. And then they are comfortable, in this way. But not for me. Not for Munchkin, too. I hope that when I look into his eyes, I can see a part of myself in him, and know FOR SURE that this will be the last one for me. Too many mistakes make me apprehensive to fall in love again. And perhaps I like people too easily. But it takes more than that, for me.