*...a purposeful life...

It's over.

Well, I've 'snapped' out of my depressive state. =)

This is what I wrote a week ago:
I'm not a strong person.
I'm scared to wake up everyday, not knowing what the day brings. Some days are just 'bad' days when I just cannot wake up and I 'blackout' for two more hours, all the while setting my brain off into strange loopy dreams and imaginations that seem half-real. If this is my mind in a drugged, tranquil state, then I don't want to know what it is like in reality.

I've always thought I have a high tolerance level to life's ups and downs. I've always thought I can help people. But now, it doesn't seem that I can do anything right. I chose to take the path of least resistance. But I am resisting inside.

I've always valued the process of understanding people, values, thoughts, ideas.

And now, having gone through something like this myself, I can understand better, how people get depressed. One of my cell members had a day-checkup at IMH for depression as well. (He authorized me to share his story with anyone who needed encouragement, so.) I can understand why some people wait so long - too long, to get help. Even if they share to others, they will feel that nobody understands them. For me, I'm just so scared to stay alone at home, because then I would have weeping spells, feel sad for no reason - it sounds dumb, but it's a real thing that I have experienced. I knew I couldn't carry on like this - maybe I'm emotionally weak, but I took medication and it was so so much better. I'm actually someone who doesn't like to ask for help, so I felt really weak and worthless and small when I just had to depend on my friends. I think it's important for all of us to seek help, before it's ... too late. My sister mentioned that most of the patients in IMH (she interned there as a nursing student) are all highly intelligent - some are doctors. But they/their mental state cannot face up to reality. When people ask them what they are doing there, they say they are there for a holiday... it's really sad, and I'm glad that this time round I looked for help. I had a depressive episode once 2 yrs ago. I guess the chemicals of the brain misfire once in a while. And trust me, I still remember those miserable feelings. And I can't imagine how it would be being miserable everyday. I try to understand, and it's scary sometimes to want to seek help, not knowing how the medication would affect your brain, or have side effects on your body. Not knowing how people would look at you and not wanting people around you to worry. Feeling so... disengaged, so disillusioned.

It's no one's fault when you are depresssed, nor can you blame it on one trigger or being 'weak'. To me it's a way of dealing with your emotions, the way your body chose to. Having a support group is very important too. I can't say that I'm fully OK, or that it's a choice to walk out of it, ask any depressed person and they will tell you they want to, but they just can't, you know. It takes more than just self-will and sheer mental positivity, really.

Through the ups and downs of life, I'm glad for God's presence. Sometimes it's hard to hear God. It doesn't mean He doesn't love you.