It seems like it's been too long since I am not gainfully employed - though, it is less than 2 months. But I am already feeling the weariness of waking up and having nothing significant to do, and little to do that doesn't involve spending of money in some way or another... truly, life in Singapore can be miserable on a budget. So although I am generally easy-going, living in the present and a small couch potato inside enjoys watching reruns of Friends, CSI and fashion makeover shows incessantly, in some dark hours, my fears and worries eat me up so that I am unable to explain the bleakness and despondency of my feelings.
I worry about when am I going to get a job, not any job, but a fulfiling one where hopefully I can see myself in, the next 5-10 years. A job which hopefully matches my pay, I need that... and I hope that my expectations can be justified. A job which I would not have to commute long distances to - it's been said somewhere that we can get used to living in extremely small spaces but we never get used to long commutes, despite going through it daily - the daily grind only serves to make us more frustrated. And in these times, I pray more, but I also feel guilty to do so. Why pray more only about our selfish desires and yet, not confess our sins, of which I have increasingly many and always glaringly obvious to me when I pray about my little needs. Okay, perhaps having a job is a major need, but I am still in a better, and less urgent position than others in debt or having other monetary demands like kids or their parents to take care of.
I realised that I am egoistic, that I attach pride to my work or title, and now being workless and titleless, feel lesser of a person when someone asks me what I am working as. To some, I answer that I'm changing from a media role to a corporate clime. I never realised that I was quite proud of my unique job title, a job usually open to only males and older people. A job I never really could love and enjoy thoroughly because of all it entails.
And through it all, I realise I am thankful for my man. Yes, I am very bad to always tease him about this-body-part where everyone does the same, but I instantly regret doing so - he has never done the same to me though I am less-than-perfect. If I did not have him now, I think I would be more whiny, less easy-going, more neurotic and endlessly wondering about my future. Perhaps, I would have made less intelligent choices - instead of looking at a career that bodes well for the advancements, learning curve and prospects, I might have chosen one which pays well but utimately leave me in the same situation years later. I realise how grateful I am for his presence, his chastisement to my spending prowess, his innovative ways of stretching the bucks. I wish I could be more like him! And yes, in a way I've tried - did you know that the $10 plus huge bottle of moisturiser at watsons (brands like nivea, jergens...) cost less than half price in the cut-price beauty shops at AMK? And no more $20 bottles of body moisturizer for me... I feel that Jergens work just as well =P
With this note, I resolve to pray more whether jobless or not, and always be grateful for things we could overlook when we're busy at work.
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