Sunday, October 24, 2004

No solace in the discourse of a regressed mind

Sometimes certain phrases stay stuck in my mind.

Like having a song irritatingly go 'round and round in the head, this phrase makes me shift around uncomfortably as it brings to the forefront of my mind certain things that should have stayed the way they were.

Honesty is important in any relationship.

How transparent am I to the ones I love if I share only certain facets of my life and bury some facets of my thoughts and emotions that are significant to me; just that I would rather not share them now? I am not insulting the intelligence of my friends, I feel that it is of the utmost importance to share the right things at the right time. Not being enigmatic, I want some people to realize that they can think for themselves, and to independently pursue their own happiness without outside influence. I fear that I, too, may be fickle; and if I commit to something that is destined to be temporal I would rather lose my senses.

Honesty is important in any relationship.

Someone I once loved innocently said a half-truth to shield me, and possibly, himself from further repercussions of actions we were both responsible for. It was unnecessary, but he was misguided and I believe he had his reasons for doing so. I felt so guilty though, for holding back the whole truth...(how could I face up to it?) and despite many assurances, I know that some things are not meant to last, and instances like this make me all the more sure. Later on, I found out unintentionally, from a mutual friend, that he has also done likewise to me. It was not done with malicious intent, but in such a gentle way that I just could not be cynical nor fault him for seeming to care; even though he did not.

Honesty is important in any relationship.

Certain life experiences have made me realise that what I tend to say with conviction at certain point of times in my life, I later retract and sing a new tune. In this sense, I am being true to myself, albeit selfishly. Perhaps this adds to my fear of commitment. Was discussing over msn with Anth about how changes affect us and the people we love. If the changes are good of course everyone is happy. Right? But for me, what if the changes are good, but I am still unhappy? As in, I was happy with what I had before, so these changes are unnecessary and useless to me. Anth said that we should wisely invest in the right people then. With a discerning mind.





Is there a possibility for something called a positive regression?

I am going back to the way I was, one year ago. Not only in superficial terms, but I am also hanging out more with Giffy again, the way it was previously. In this nascent state our relationship hangs on a thin spiderweb thread so precariously, yet being in his presence I find solace in the simple activites we share.

Also I am coming to terms with the 'wild' side I have; one which I was unable to embrace before. Due to the impeccable standards I had to live up to if I chose to serve in the capacity of a leader both in worship and ministry, I had to 'tone down', and look more like one of the other carbon-copies of this church-going campus generation. Love limits liberty, I was told. Now, I am more at peace with what I am, as this is really who I want to be. For now. =)