Subdued perusal of naivete

Kai said I looked 'lost' today, well I guessed it was because I was pondering over some issues, that was why altho' I really did enjoy myself at the birthday celebration, sometimes my mind wanders. But I should start at the beginning. Which was yesterday, at YAS. With a tremulous heart, I responded. And cried, shuddering gasps that seemed to come from someone else. Was told, to forget the past failures. The failed relationships. The victories in life. And move into the future with a new anointing. So, me who haven't cried in a while (3 months now) finally opened the floodgates and boy, it felt good. After that I just wanted to whimper in a small corner with my head, heavy with its burdens, supported by the corner of the walls. Didn't want to see anybody, or talk cheerily, but just to take some time out to reflect and respond. I'm relieved that finally, I'm trying to move on. Andy said, don't try to forget him. If you try, you won't. Just know that it's possible by the grace of God. Its strange, but after that when I reached home, the tears wouldn't stop. They dripped out slowly, unceasingly, and last night's sleep was awful, woke up so many times that I lost count.

Currently reading this novel, 'Jane Eyre', by Charlotte Bronte. On page 160, it says:
'...and it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which, if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it, and, if discovered and responded to, must lead ignis-fatuus-like, into miry wilds where there is no extrication.' I guess she said my inmost thoughts that I used to have and now, (still festering); better than what I could have journalled myself.

So today I was drained. And cold. A bit wet. The weather's still unpredictable, it rained the whole day but thankfully ceased in the evening. Was a bit subdued, but guess the rest couldn't tell, 'cuz I was a new face to them anyways. I still can't believe that I've only known Izac as a friend for 8 days, and yet, we have a deeper connection fueled by the bittersweet and similarly coherent memories we share, in the past. Not that it was congruent, just that we could both share our 'life-stories', and parts of it reflected each others', thus we could connect in this emotional way where others could not(establish this connection with me), not even in years.

Yea, and Izac's been the sweetest, nicest, most charming ...guy. The way he is defensive in his speech, but later betray himself by saying the most sensitive things. I'm extremely touched(and it takes a lot to touch me, honestly) by the very sweet gesture of saving the slice of cake with the nice pink creamed rose on it for me (awwww...) but being the shocking person I was, half of it ended up on his face. And he let me do it, too. Later he said he was too stunned to react, and when he saw it in the gents' mirror he laughed and laughed 'cuz he looked like a clown. We had a good laugh over it afterwards and I don't regret doing it... but yes, main thing, I was touched. Score!

And he sent me home after, at the insistences of his nice, well-meaning college classmates. Well, it did help that I live 3 bus-stops away. Had a nice walk, him all wet - dunked in the pool 7 times, draped in a towel and two shirts... and me. Thanks for the company to the doorstep. It's a privileged sight yea =P...not many guys have this opportunity! Score! Have a feeling I'll see much of him this year. It would give me delight and pleasure to do so, yea. =)