Chapter 2: A crossover

"Destiny is not a destination... Destiny is a journey." - Pastor Bruce Hill

I've been at the crossroads of my life for quite some time now, close to a year and I haven't felt settled, felt myself for a really long time. I'm thankful that through this trying period, I've been given an abundance of trust and being enabled to still continue leading a cell - my dear Sunnydale cell. But deep down I still long for the intimacy of engaging with God via prayer and word, something which I haven't experienced in too long a time. I've made some not-so-good decisions along the way, and God dealt with my thoughts during the camp. I have much to learn in the area of total obedience.

The day that P Bruce spoke about being a cross-over person, I was overwhelmed by my convictions that I became subdued - I think for two days actually, being reflective and perhaps sometimes, too critical of myself. I realised that for some time now I've been leading out of my own self-will and intellect. I'm so saddened by this, it was not my intention to do so, but just that when some things obstruct my hearing from God I just lack the courage to seek Him and confess my sins, but try to do them in a moralistic way which is not lacking in righteousness, but not really following His purposes either. My life, too, is wandering for some time now, and as I reflect on this I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and talk to God, and cry... ... Only God knows how lonely spiritually I was in the last months, despite constant attention from the rest, there is a gap that can only be filled by the supernatural. I do regret some of the things I've done, some of the steps I've taken; even though my life's ideal is to never regret, never live a life of regret. Yet some things once done or said, cannot be taken back and only time can heal, the selfish actions, the insincere words.

I've learned so much. Shared with Shiner and Debster earlier how my cell grew like 'people drop from the sky', and it never fails to amaze me, how I am so unspiritual yet God has blessed me with the numbers. I marvel at the blessings of God, how being a cell leader, I do not have to worry about finding a job, but it just comes, or worry about my family, health, bills... And everything runs smoothly so that I can just take care of the members. I'm glad for that, I recognize the blessing. And for how Sheepy always watches out for me, God has really placed him in my life to support me from a distance. I've learnt from Sheepy how to care for others that are not under my covering, those I'm not supposed to care about. I'd definitely reciprocate these kind actions that has really touched me when I felt alone.

I'm going to embark into another season of my life, a better one, one filled with promises, hope for a better future. New job, new anointing, the phase of life where I find time to spend doing something meaningful for the one I serve. I'm excited to look forward to the challenges ahead, yet I'm uncertain if I am responsible enough, godly enough, wise enough to make the right decisions. I think that I need people, a strong group of people around me who care enough to pray, and who dare to pray knowing that they are sowing seeds into my life, and by that, into my members' lives as well. It's time to start the prayer thingy again! I've asked for Shiner and Debster to cover me in intercession for at least these 6 months, would ask Sheepy and Mw too. I'm happy! Anticipating exciting things to come, the joy of salvation, nurturing people to rise up as leaders... Growing the cell into a district. God, you said, ask and You will give me the nations as my inheritance, the ends of the earth as my possession. I'm so amazed at your grace, that you have given me so many to take care of. Now I only ask, for strength, and wisdom, from above.