Too broken

"Unbrokenness affects not only themselves, but the people around them" - Kie.


My heart has been broken so many times by people that I know how it feels like to have no more love left for anyone.

I cannot remember the number of people I've kissed nor the things I've done that would cause many a good Christian leader to blush. I always imagine that if I ever find a good leader guy to marry, and if he ever asks me about my past endeavors, I would thus proceed to tell him frankly every detail, causing him to run away and never hear from him, again.

Nobody wants to be left on the shelf, or even be alone, but for me, at this point of time that is something that I can envision. If marriage is purely for procreation, then, I can as well adopt nice orphaned kids who need love more than the spoiled brats, found in one out of ten school-going kids. If marriage is to converge two people's destinies into one, then, what is the point of having one of your own? I am more than content to play a supportive role, praying and helping my spouse if he chooses to plant a cell or do tentmaking work. If there is no love after two years or so of marriage, then what are the options? Few. And how would we be satisfied, the year after, and the year after, and until forever?

"You love her very much. I can tell."
I once said that to a new friend. Not knowing anything about 'her', or 'him', just sensing, just wondering about what happened between them. I was right. Some things don't have to be said, just needs to be felt.

Grass still calls me. "I just came back today! Let's meet up soon." He respects me when I tell him that my week is fully booked, even though I am lying to him for the sake of not getting myself entangled into an emotional commitment I cannot extricate myself of. I realise that he needs affirmation from me, perhaps in this busy world of ours, only I have the time of the day to listen to his dreams.

So he shares, about what he plans to do with his time, his desires, to make movies about people in his life, his biz, how he hopes to achieve his dreams. I listen, and I realise why, despite all the misgivings others have, I need his company as well. He has the ability to inspire confidence in me. It is because of his belief in my abilities - and also by showing me how, I am able to talk to anyone, in the street. I am able to ask for namecards from strangers and strike up a conversation with them. I am inspired. Motivated. Any girl would be touched by such a person who would be willing to spend time with you despite everything.

At the beginning, he was not likeable at all, always wanting me to follow him around, not really caring about how I was going to get back and whether I've eaten, basically just not caring about other people's time or effort. It's changing though. I scolded him for not valuing my time the other day. I was sickly and tired. Surprisingly, he apologized. Now, instead of meeting up at his convienience, he wants to see me at my discretion. I'm glad for the change. That he has changed, for me!

I started out writing intially about a broken heart.

Kie in cell, took out a heart-shaped cutout of bubble wrap. Felt that it was a meaningful analogy of mine. The 'bubbles' popping one by one.

I'm learning to love again. Was reminded that a friend of mine asked me to pray to God to soften my heart towards one of the two guys in my posse. Up till now I simply cannot remember if I did.

MrBestfriend proclaims that if God tells you that is the best one, he is the best one. No need to worry.

I'm worried that I'm not the best one, not he.

Hebrews 4:7 "Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts."

It's been said that we should be the best, before looking for the best. Me? I'm just a tiny broken jar of clay. Waiting on His promises. Believing in them, for once.