Wisecracks about men, women, and all that

A little light humor from me while trawling the web.

Enjoy a good Friday laugh for a great weekend!

I asked my wife if she'd love me when I was old and useless. She said, "Of course I do"
- Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

My wife says I never listen to her.
At least I think that's what she said.

There were 11 people hanging on to a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech on how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping.

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
God replied, "Go on Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create."
So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"
"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"
"I did that Adam so that you could love her."
"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well Adam, No. I did that so that she could love you."

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?
Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess that I have been looking for the perfect girl."
"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."
"Yes, there was a girl, once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." replied the gent.
"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked his friend.
The gent replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

How Dogs and Men Are the Same
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.