At the Right Time

Warning: A deep, personal sharing

Watched "Priceless", think it's a nice show. I'm quite a fan of Audrey Tatou plus a fan of Balenciaga, Chanel, Stella, Helmut, Jaeger LeCoultre!!! =) Meanwhile, I think maybe it is everyone's secret desire to have a lifestyle of the rich and famous, or just rich and enjoy life, so maybe the show gives us a little peek into 'how' we can make it there. Marry rich! Or just be a companion of the rich. Well for me, I eat lunch with HongKong millionaires and dine with surgeons who drive Lexus cars, those sort of thing...It is quite tempting, but I think the spiritual aspect is more important after some time - like when Irene realises even though she can marry this rich old man who can provide for her, she chooses a penniless, younger chap who is much more to her liking. Well, if I am a rich old man, I will always wonder whether the girl likes me, or likes my money more? I think it is a bit of both, isn't it... =)

Later, we were talking about our EX-girlfriends and boyfriends (Girlfriends for the guys, and so on! Of course!) I don't know how this came about, but I thought the whole dinnertime conversation veered dangerously on this topic. For my ex, it's quite awkward because everyone(from the older clique) knows him, too. I wish that wouldn't be the case, I would be so glad if they only knew him by name, age, and the other superficial details that wouldn't have mattered; like which secondary school he came from.

Actually there are two types of likings, or so as defined by me, recently: One type is you have spent prolonged times with the person, and thus, like him a lot. The other type is that you already have some liking for the person, and want to spend time with him to get to know him more. I mean, there are other complicated types out there but basically, mainly, I think it falls into these two categories. I think I'd be insulted if someone claims to like me when he does not even know me well, even indignant, about it. It's really not the length of time you have known each other, but the depth. And how to get that depth? I have no idea, either.

What makes some people 'clique' with each other, and others, not? Is it our upbringing? Our working style? Or our personalities, or just some complicated thing to do with our brainwaves and yadda yadda that no one can ever discover?

Or as Elk says, "Liking someone can HURT... so it's better not to like". True?

For people who have been rejected, dumped, or hurt before, it can come as a blow, especially from the ones they love a lot. Or even, care a bit for.

Through some words, or some senseless actions, the emotional low can throw many a tough guy off. Despite being...traumatised, to say the least, in the recent past, I think some introspection on behavioral patterns helped me to come to terms with the emotional roller coaster I was on. I'm generally quite...insensitive (unless it concerns me, haha!) and unemotional, so I was quite surprised to discover this side of me that I thought did not exist. Let bygones be bygones, but I hope that my future husband will learn how it was like for me at that point of time, and love me despite how it has caused me to be, now. No matter what, I will have some emotional baggages despite my best intentions. It's not about letting it go, but because of what it has done to you, you will realise how difficult it is to let go of some fears caused by unhealthy (emotionally, that is) relationships.

And yes, I was disappointed too, because I had thought that he was in the Lord's plan for my future. When did I realise he was not? Well, maybe early on. But stubborn me just pushed through and hoped for the best.

Unfortunately when a relationship does not fulfil its destiny, God will also let it die? But I'm glad for the lessons, although I fear I will shrink away from another. Yes, withdrawing is my default mode, please be patient with me (and my fragile heart.)

I'm also scared I will be frivolous and just play with other guys' hearts. I thought of doing that, during my backslidden mode late last year. And I thought that I would be quite successful at it too. Just shut my heart away from other guys. Play, have fun, flirt around. I'm quite attractive to certain age groups and races, I know, I know. But too bad, I'm too intelligent (unfortunate!) to do that, I lack the shallowness of character... ...

True love actually helps you to be a better person, when you love someone, you will understand the goodness that lies within.

I hope that all my friends will embark on meaningful relationships once they are out of the "Lonely Hearts Club." I enjoyed the Lonely Hearts Club meeting, but I am getting ready to emerge too. Listen to your heart, what is it telling me? Love hurts because you have opened up your heart to the person.

And write down your thoughts, because it means a lot to me.
=)