Chinesespeak

Correlation. It's a word which explain many things. How we see life. Why our parents named us "----" instead of "----". My parents originally wanted to name me...Abigail. (Abigail!) Yes, hearing that, I am kinda glad that they named me Rachel instead. Despite it being a common name, added on to a common surname, I do like my name. Having this name made it easier for me in Life, I guess. At least to the largely English speaking population. Rachels are seen as cheerful, open, happy, exicitable people with nice hair and great dressing sense. At least the one in FRIENDS.

But who am I today is not largely made up of external factors we largely cannot change - not many people change their name unless they are motivated to do so, and one might argue, motivated to succeed, to 'rebrand' themselves. When I speak to strangers, people on the phone, I guess they remember me mainly because I have a nice tone, and also my name is easy to remember.

What we naturally discriminate against - a realisation

All of us discriminate against other people. Mostly, due to the fact that we have not had much interaction with them. I think the reason why most straight guys are scared, dislike, or avoid most gay guys is because of...Fear. You fear what you don't know. And most straight guys are scared that either, they will somehow be attracted to form a relationship with the gays; or sacred that they gays will like them and do nasty things to them. Of course, speaking it out sounds ridiculous, so instead of doing so, they subtly discriminate against homosexuals by gestures, remarks, jokes, and etc.

We have the same discrimination towards old people - as we do not have a chance to interact with them on a daily basis, for most people. Or other races. Though Singapore is thought to be racially open and non segregated, how many of us can count close friends of other races? Like it or not, we Chinese tend to stick together. Even when we are in an angmoh country, drats. Maybe it's because we share common likings, or just that it is less troublesome when finding places to eat, and other small things that bring us out of our comfort zone.

But zooming into the picture, there are even more intrinsc differences that help us to connect with some, and discriminate against others.

I never knew that I was one of the 'minority chinese' in Singapore, having two parents who spoke ONLY ENGLISH AT HOME to me. Purely English educated. I thought that was the norm really, despite me being in an all-chinese kindergarten and the only one who was not fluent in the mother tongue. Sadly, my English was better than the kindergarten teacher's. And I couldn't understand the rapid, jabbing words of most of my classmates. You would think that this made me lonesome and friendless but noooo... all of them wanted to talk to me, crowd around me. They wanted to improve their English by practising with me!

So having this background and all my life (except for kindergarten)schooling at english-speaking schools, I got labeled a 'banana person', yellow on the outside, white on the inside. But it's not my fault really. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't master the script and flowing quality of my mother tongue. So since I was being discriminated against, I also discriminate the 'cheena' people, those who spoke chinese, and ate mee and rice everyday. Thankfully for me, at least in this society, people like us are considered more 'atas'. So through forces of which I inherited (ie a good head for English but not Chinese), I could break out of the 'cheena' zone and also, find it a breeze (more confident) making friends with people from all over the world who spoke English.

This is just an analysis on language, there are so many more FACTORS that determine our lives. It's not good nor bad, it's just a preference. This does not mean I don't make friends with people simply because they are cheena, it means that I usually make friends with angmohs/banana people because I relate better to them, primarily because I come from the same upbringing. I guess in the next generation there will be fewer cheena people...

So, please misunderstand me because I can't speak proper Chinese (what is proper Chinese anyway, definitely not Singaporeanised Chinese), I can't use chopsticks well because I don't have any to use at home.

Yes, I wonder about my future, about how my children are going to fail, fail their mother tongue which isn't even mine. How we already lose our culture by moving down here to this island citystate, and in a few generations become completely displaced with relatives all over the world. Eventually, maybe I will be the first to leave. After all, I have weird angmoh hair which grows big with humidity (Must be due to the angmoh shampoo I use), I cannot survive without skincare made in Italy, Sweden and Japan...argh, just shoot me. I am more humanitarian (or so I'd like to believe) than most Chinese. I genuinely care about the strays, the plastic bags, and the pollution caused by toxic substances we release into the ozone layer. So maybe it's just me, or was I supposed to be born in another era or another place?

It's language that binds us together, a common shared love and understanding of the things we are fond of, and being able to enunciate them is a joy in itself. So enjoy what you have, while it lasts. I honestly think that the eroding of the mastery of the mother tongue itself hs more rapid than we ever think. No one reads chinese books anymore, except the very old and the china-born. So help us God.

Although I had hoped that I would not lose my mother tongue, I had never felt an affinity with it from the very start. So perhaps it's meant to be, released into the unknown, my attempts to master it, in vain, unrecognized, unreconciled. One day I'd be a better speaker - but that day would not be in my lifetime at the very least.