doubting the best for your life.

Today's difficult for me.
Sometimes my old, selfish, stupid self kicks in, and instead of trusting in God, I feel like giving up. Instead of releasing bitter thoughts, I open my mouth to say exactly what I think.

I think everyone should spend more time with God. It will help the world to be a better place. God will tell you things you never knew.

So, I was reminded of the 'golden fleece' story in the Bible, except that I could find no reference to a 'golden fleece' but the one that was put out because I wanted to believe God for a sign.

Last night, I started to doubt God's words to me again. There were many doubtful thoughts. (By the way, this post will be titled "Doubting the best for your life".)
I began to question. Why ME? Why him? Why doesn't he do something? Why not NOW? I want now, God. Now is good. Why does he like someone else? Grrrr. God, SHOW HIM!!!
Help!

Help me to wait on the LORD.

I'm scared that I'd blurt out to "TBO" during one of those long sharings about life. I'm scared that I won't be able to wait, again, for God to shape my character, not his. I'm scared that I'm gonna scream at him to like girls only based on God's will and not just your simple plan. That I've prayed tough prayers about not liking people because I KNEW, I knew that they were not in God's will for me. And I know somehow God's will, will all work out and we will be happy together. But it is tough now. It has been a tough day. I feel weird seeing him, bumping into him - Ya, Grant always say I bump into people I like. Haha. I feel weird not knowing what to say.

So, God, help me to be myself, to be at peace. To not have expectations that are unrealistic (and ungodly) and be disappointed. Because I want THE BEST. It's not easy. No one said it was going to be. And while I am tempted by many delectable others around me, I have to trust God that it will all work out. Can I rush God a little? I'm not going to put God in a box but I'm hoping for one more affirmation that will come by the end of the year. After that I'm just going to put my life in His hands.

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Let me share something I've read. I hope John Ortberg becomes popular one day. I love him! And this thing I've read makes me realise why I'm so 'impatient'. It's not that I want it my way this time round, rather, I'm impatient because I don't want to fritter my days and years away with meaningless guys. I want to spend my life, my days and years... with THE BEST ONE. I want to soak in his presence and laugh like I never did. He always makes me laugh and feel comfortable with myself. That's what I like about him.

So,

In the chapter 'prevent regret', John Ortberg writes:

...This in turn creates a condition called 'active inertia'. People tend to stick to old commitments, even when those commitments no longer make sense; even when they become injurious to our health or well-being or our souls. Often this goes on until we hit a crisis. And that's when we find time to change.

A busy father whose neglected daughter runs away from home and gets sucked into a life of addiction suddenly finds time to scour the country for her and then spend weeks looking for treatment clinics and rehab centers.

A couple who were too busy for each other suddenly find massive amounts of time for counseling and lawyers and legal bills and apartment searches when a marriage falls apart.

A businessperson who 'had' to take ethical shortcuts and cut corners to keep up with the competition suddenly has time to reflect on right and wrong and wonder why she was living under so much pressure when she was fired for misconduct.

A workaholic, rushaolic, compulsive overachiever suddenly finds twenty-four hours a day to ask what life really means when a lab report comes back from the doctor's office marked 'malignant'.

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For once, I'm glad I have free time this season, not like the last few. I'm going to try to spend a whole day with God. Maybe on Monday. =) I realise what's important, finally.