Just felt like writing

Such lovely weather to sleep in - not used to the cold, although I must say that I sort of like it this time around.

I've written for hours, a long email to my friends and short stories about God. And now it's close to 4 am. I know I should sleep but I just feel like writing and writing. I don't know why but I'm glad I can write. I've been described as emotional, but in reality it's the writing, and talking about my issues, my problems, my life, that makes me break away from feeling about them and being optimistic again.

I tend to be melancholy sometimes, which also seems to attract some unwarranted attention. How can I respond to the fact that people are concerned about my emotional well-being without being sick of hearing the phrase 'how are you feeling today?'

It's a different feeling everyday. I get happy about different things everyday. I feel a myriad of emotions, because I am a woman, because I feel for people, I care about things. I care about things like being eco-friendly and saving paper and not neglecting animals. I care about bringing up kids in a godly environment and friends who drink or have sex too much. I want to help people, I want to sing and dance and live life, the way it should be, to have open spaces always around me, and to see brilliant sunsets the way God wanted it to be a reminder of His creation, of me, of you.

I've always been told I don't look Singaporean.
In a way, I'm glad for that. Not that I'm not home-proud, I am, really.
It's just that I don't identify with the typical Singaporean mindset... Of living in pigeonholes and paying for the loan until you die.
Moving from one pigeonhole to another.
Not having enough dual-income to feed more than 3 kids even though we are supposed to be one of the richest Asian nations.
Queueing up for donuts.
Etc.

I guess sometimes, it really irks me to be 'stereotyped' into a certain identity.
Because, only those who really know me would not say such things... ...

And it does hurt in the sense of repercussions when you pigeonhole someone and he does something so unlike him, and then you realise, you have had a misconception of the person. That 'that thing' is really in his nature, and you have made a mistake in assuming certain things about him.

I guess all of us have some life lessons to learn in this area.

And people do change. I'm so different now, from the time I started to blog. Maybe some fundamentals don't change, but deep inside, you know how you were like previously.

I wonder how it is like spending a lifetime to get to know this person, the many different facets of a person that you are going to spend your lifetime with. In the first place, what is it about the person that attracts you to him and then vice versa? And not only that, what is the magic ingredient that sitrs both your hearts to each other, for a lifetime? To me, that is a miracle in itself.

Early on in the year I almost gave up.
I've been through one too many failed relationships.
I can't imagine another one, really... that's what I kept telling myself.

After all, I thought I KNEW what I wanted. Tall, handsome guys. A christian, a successful, smart person etc. Someone domineering.
So I met, and liked some. Somehow, those types seemed to like me, too. I was open to them and they were open to me.

But somewhere along the way I forgot something.

That my life is in God's hands.

I forgot a little prayer I had made. As a result, now, looking back, I realised that the disappointments came out because of my own nearsighted choices. How unrealistic I was to make such decisions - the most important decisions of life, on my own, without prioritising God's best as mine, in my heart.

After a long absence of His will, my heart became cold, and I forgot about God's promise to me.

Something happened two years ago.

My MrBestFriend at that time, he had a girlfriend, one whom he loved very much.
I have always respected his decision to be with her because he was holy and steadfast and although he did like girls (I knew him since I was 15), he never pursued them all throughout secondary, jc, army.... until uni days. Because he wanted God's best. So he was together with this girl, finally, and I was happy for him. I could not understand how he could wait on the Lord like this, for me, I was just experiencing the joys and pains of young love, having many crushes and flings etc.

But I am retelling this story because something monumental happened.

His girlfriend, God's BEST for him, died. She had been struggling with depression issues for a long time and finally jumped. she was studying to be a teacher but somehow the enemy got hold of her.

I was very sad for him, and also angry with God, why did He let this happen? But MrBestfriend had enough maturity for the both of us, and he was the one who was consoling me instead of the other way round.

I was recovering from a bad case of dengue then, and had lots of time at home.
I remember I prayed, "GOD, Show me who's the Best One for my life."

And you know, God has always answered my prayers. There can only be one best one!

But, my character was not good enough to let God be God and wait upon Him. Looking back at my journals, it seemed like I only prayed about it for a month. A month! =(

After that I started liking other guys and the heartaches began.
I even prayed for God to 'release' the best one, because I felt that the way I was going, I would never ever be the best one for him.

After that, I entirely forgot about this prayer I had made. I am quite ashamed when I think of my past misdeeds and how I had not cherished God's promise to me. And during that time, I told this secret only to two people, Kie and Grant, who are still wonderful buddies today.

Recently because of a heartache I had gone through with a domineering guy, Grant scolded me, and it was like a wakeup call.

"Spiritedly! Domineering guys are not suitable for your life! Why do you keep hankering after them! God already shown you who's The Best for you, you are the one who decided not to choose him."


At this kind scolding I was speechless, for truly, like the forgetful faithful, I forgot the prayer I had made. But now, I remember... and I will choose to be obedient.


Maybe it's time for me to grow up a little and wait on the Lord, for THE BEST ONE.

(To be continued... ... in His time)