someone camping in my head

Central to romantic love is obsessive thinking. Night and day you think of “him” or “her”. You have someone camping in your head. But of all the intoxicating feelings of romantic love, perhaps the most powerful is the craving for emotional union with the beloved. Foremost, the lover wants this special person to call, to write, to be invited out for dinner or a drink, to share, to plan — and to say those precious words, “I love you.”  - msn relationships

Well, I've not been in love for such a long time that I think I've grown 'rusty'. Sure, most of the mushy parts come naturally to us - when we message each other morning greetings everyday, and text how much "I miss you" (he does it more often than me) and throughout the day, keeping up via The Office's email. Have you eaten? Slept well? What time did you wake up this morning... all the small things that, well, equate to saying how much we feel for each other and how much we really like each other. 

Although he has ventured an "I love you" (on sunday!) I have yet to say mine. I do, definitely, but I think to say it, out loud, for me, takes another form of courage that will be enough with more time and more trust. For me, this means forever. I'm beginning to cherish the way we communicate, although we have known each other for a barely long enough time, we talk and banter and 'suan' each other like old, old friends. 

He said yesterday that he whiffed a lady colleague(walking by his desk) wearing the same perfume as mine ('Lovely', Sarah Jessica Parker - smells wonderful) and asked me what was it's name. I jokingly said,"Oohhh! Why you go and smell other people! You hamsup her!! What are you doing so close to her?! Explain it to me or else no egg tart for you tomorrow!" 

Poor Mr. A.

And last night, we talked about how we wanted to live in future. No one wanted to wash the dishes so the solution was to buy a dishwasher, or hire a maid. And how about sweeping the floor? He asked. I'll buy you a vacuum cleaner, I replied. We laughed after, because we were at AMK hub looking at vacuum cleaners (Mr. A thought of buying a mini one for Office) and I pointed one at him and pressed 'on'. Much to the amusement of the onlookers, it sucked half his shirt in, exposing his belly in the NTUC... ... (Sorry, I forgot it sucks in not out... I thought it was a hair dryer...) He was ... stunned speechless and wanted to 'whoosh' me too, but the one in his hand? It was not plugged in. Muahaha.

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Here's an article to read further. I think right now we are 'babes in the woods', though I wouldn't go as far as wearing couple clothes *bleah... It takes another form of courage to wear that together.

(From BBC website)

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognise any of these?

Parent and child - this type of couple often has shared issues with dependency and trust. One partner copes with those issues by behaving in a childlike way. Their hidden belief is that if they remain insecure, dependent and needy their partner will look after them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so is able to deny their own needs for dependency as they're acted out by the other.

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.