I have just finished reading ‘Sense and Sensibility’, and with some mirth recall past recent instances that were related to me by friends, who could identify with the story. To summarize, it is a tale of 2 sisters who each had her heart broken by ‘gentlemen’ who seemed to want to be engaged to them, pursuing them and having similar affections. But suddenly, these men were known to be attached to others, and one was married quickly to a rich lady. To say that a woman would be heartbroken in these consequences was to say the least, in those olden days, the women could lose her health and her marriageability prospects as well, if any hint of scandal ensued within the ‘engagement’.
And yet today we women still face the same things. There are guys, seemingly good guys, in our midst who would think nothing of calling regularly and meeting up one-on-one, so often that the rest of her friends, naturally, would wonder ‘if there is something going on between the two’. But this seems to happen and no word from him, no proclaimation of intent to date, or otherwise. I feel that this is rather un-gentlemanly conduct. No doubt, the guy may be making up his mind, and one who does so rather too quickly also may have much to be desired of in character. But if a guy should engage my female friend in late-night conversations, talking of themselves, frequently asking her out to sup till the wee hours, I think he has given her reason to hope for a future relationship, whether it is in his mind, or not. Being so close with a woman, what could the man possibly want? Is it true friendship he seeks? And if he does not give any word, I could not help but to condemn this man’s character. Because he has, subconsciously or not, chosen to mislead this young lady.
For myself, I have had a rather large number of male friends whom I also have gone out one-on-one. We have kept the friendship safe by sharing openly we are friends, and also to share our interest in other parties, just to be doubly sure. When I suspect a male friend is interested in more than a friendship with me, and on the other hand, I am NOT, I will and do make it clear to him. But it seems many, too many guys like to string women around. They make the woman like them by flattery and sincere sharing, but no further word is promised. Many women around me are wounded by such un-gentlemanly conduct. They wonder at the state of their relationship, whether anything is going to happen – they feel that it might be – until, sadly, another friend sees the guy being intimate with another woman. I have been in that friend position before, and it’s hard to break the news when the woman has so excitedly shared about her hopes.
Yes, I also deeply condemn the guy’s character….
I have a tale which was shared with me at length, some years back, with a girl I once had a friendly acquaintance with. This may be her private matter, but seeing her happily ‘engaged’ now, I feel I have no guilt in telling her tale, that it may serve not to be a piece of juicy gossip, rather, it may be a tale with a moral behind it.
The girl, as I will call her, ‘The Girl with the Diamond Necklace’, had a heartbreaking story which she related to me years ago. I could hardly believe that it were true had I not been acquainted with the guy, her ex-lover. The guy, Camry, had wooed her incessantly with a car full of flowers and expressed such love, she too had deep feelings for him and they were happy together. When Camry left for half a year to I believe a study attachment overseas, their relationship seemed strong and she sincerely believed herself attached. When he came back, however, it was a different story. He dissociated himself with her, presumbably to rise in the society, because I saw that in that time, a lot of things were entrusted to him and he rose in status in The Church. Soon, he dumped her and before long, he was attached to another. Well, this story might seem to be quite typical. You may think that possibly, the girl was misled. But she is as clever as she is pretty, so I don’t doubt her side to the tale. The most hurt that Camry had done, however, might not be to her. Camry and The Girl with the Diamond Necklace used to double-date with Camry’s college friend, and his girlfriend. When the college friend’s relationship broke up, he was understandably devastated. Camry used this opportunity, to hook up with his college friend’s ex-girl. They are now married, this year. (And college friend did not settle with any girl until months later, although he was an eligible guy. People used to question why he had not settled down, because they did not know this heartbreaking story.)
The Girl with the Diamond Necklace bore all the pain and saw all, and even had the magnimity of heart to forgive Camry. (Some say that she is quite self-centred now, but I reckon it is because in the past she had been too giving) She just thought that he would have the civility, based on their past intimacy and rainy nights together, that he would at least, smile to her on occasion where they were in the same event. But he did not even acknowledge her presence, even just looked right through her as if she were invisible. This kind of silent treatment, I have witnessed it as I was once with her when I saw it happen. I saw her devastation, her inner crumbling of her heart, the confused feelings.
This kind of guy is worth nothing, a piece of rubbish, you may think, now you have heard the sordid details. But conversely, in The Church he is given a status of high importance and much respect. People even think highly of him and his expertise in handling things. But because I know all these things, I can only give him disdainful looks. And he knows that I know, too, and can never pretend in front of me to be a true gentleman.
And how many more stories do I have to share of such similar guys? Aplenty, though the grievances caused by them may not be as bad as his. Amazingly, I have seen most of my female friends move on from their bad experiences and most are leading settled lives, with better men.
For The Boyfriend, one very strong thing that attracted me and led me to the comforting attachment, was that he was very gentlemanly.
While we were in the dating stage but not-yet-sure of each other, he told his friends he was dating me, to my surprise and happiness. After the Friday night when he took my hand and declared his feelings, he told his leaders the very next day, and on Sunday I met his Mom. Within the first month, we had gone out to dinner with his relatives, and he has met my parents as well. This really shows a true gentleman who is serious to make his own intentions known. Therefore because of it, our relationship is much strengthened. I may be too much of a thinker and wonder too much, but the initial actions have left my heart reassured.
For guys who can do no more than give a woman hope and shortly prove it not to be true, they have to ask themselves the reason for it. If it is sincerely to pursue an innocent friendship, they had better learn from the mistakes made previously, and make it clear through words, if not actions. If they were in the midst of considering, I do not take it as a crime but perhaps they had better err on the side of caution in regards to a woman’s heart. But if they had maliciously done it, I definitely condemn their character, and their friendship is not worth having.
I hope all my male friends are gentlemanly in their conduct to women.
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