Thursday, May 20, 2010

Livin' in the present

I just did a handwriting analysis and I have to say the results are scarily accurate. They said that by changing your handwriting you can learn to change your life too... Though I wonder how true that will turn out to be, it's always intriguing to me to learn about some aspects of my persona I fail to see about myself.

(based on the way I write my 'm's)
'Diplomacy is one of Rachel's best attributes. She has the ability to say what others
want to hear. She can have tact with others. She has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. Rachel can disagree without being disagreeable.'


Well, now I know that, I can be at liberty to disagree with others...oui?

Anyway on all those personality tests, I've always scored those words, that I am someone who 'lives in the present'. That's good in a sense - not overtly sentimental about the past, but bad in the sense that I cannot foresee the foreseeable future, the next steps - I used to have a 5 year plan, it seems ridiculous now to follow my childish ideals.

Perhaps when we grow older, we turn a blind eye to some things. Some of our standards are lowered. Some things, we take it easier. I don't really feel strongly about things the way I used to, one way or the other. In my mind, I just don't want to be bothered by such ways of logic no more.

I met an old school mate whom I have not seen for 10 years, yes, a really long time! It's strange how we can just catch up where we have left. Even funnier, she remembers all the things in the past to crystal clear clarity whereas... I can't even remember some of the episodes! Did that happen? I kept asking her...

I used to pride myself on only remembering the good things in life...I chose this way of life, still being friendly to those who have hurt you deeply, at least cordial. But is this a good way?

Right now, I can't even remember the simple things, or the sad things that happened, to the ones around me, as well as myself. It's only through reading what I wrote a long time ago, that I begin to feel, again.

Sometimes I wish I can remember such sentimental things with more clarity. The first times, the sweet times, then I would have a really strong reason for being who I am now. But it seems that together with the bittersweet moments the sweet moments has also gone down the drain... leaving me with gaps in my memory as if there were holes in my brain.

I must remember the past things that shaped me. The ghosts of the past, the songs that brings such bittersweet memories... perhaps long forgotten, the name of the song and the tune might stir up some memories in you. Yes, have I really forgotten? The lost years, the days of no realisation, the struggles through sweet victories won... Yet somehow, sometimes walking past building landmarks, looking at old photos, reading old diaries, remind me of what I have fought for and won. It's strange because it's been years that I have thought in this manner.

A kind friend sms-ed me, 'At least I know that I'm not alone.'
I thanked God that I am not alone.

I used to write many short stories and poems. These days, I'm itchy to draw on these thoughts to write again.