The feeling of falling asleep crying

The feeling of falling asleep crying and then waking up is just miserable - I don't want to go back to sleep, I don't want to feel so 'down'... Deep inside I don't believe that this friendship can be restored. Perhaps all along I've adopted the escapist mentality "Just pretend everything is alright." And you know too, that it's not. Just waiting to see my initiatives.

So many articles, books, telling me about conflict management, mediations... Now it's my own one... so how? I am clueless, it feels so ridiculous having some wise person sitting in our problems and spouting some wise advice... I'd much rather talk privately... but at the same time, I know it would not resolve anything as he'd still stick to his guns... I wish he didn't, I'd love him more if he was not so chauvinist, so traditional-minded that he has to defend his 'inactions', which is totally his fault, by the way. Even Frankie agrees that he should come out and apologize, sincerely.

I don't think I can choose being close to one and not the other. I don't want to. I'm still upset. Overwhelmingly so. I'm afraid I'd burst into tears at the meeting up, which would not help one single bit, and make him feel somehow guilty... I don't understand my volatile emotions, I don't give serious thoughts to them. I'm just somehow puzzled that I will feel so... And wish for someone to tell me exactly what they mean.


God can you send me a friend who will just understand me, somehow?

Being in this situation makes me realise how helpful it would be to have someone, on my side, who's looking out for me, and will support me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, be practical, wipe away the idiotic tears and let me handle my problems myself. Someone, whom I'm waiting for.

I want to solve this as soon as possible. Crying is tiring... I wonder how those Korean actresses get paid... it's unutterably tiring and does horrors to my eyes.