At Alley bar

You raised me up, so I can stand on mountains.
You raised me up, to walk on the stormy seas.

You raised me up, to more than I can be.

I want to go back to Aceh again. Talking about it with so many people just makes me miss the place so so much. Knowing thousands of people still in homeless shelters and tentages, makes all the Christmas commercialism seem so insipid to me.

I will go to Indon again soon. And Vanuatu. Next year. I will make plans to build another house.


I'm upset.

He antagonizes me, so much... yet I smile at the kindness of his words remembered, the sincere concern he has for me. Why am I affected by the way he thinks, the things he says? Do I let it affect me because I care not only for his soul but for his entire well-being, more than I would care to admit? Because he first cared for me... and I am just doing it as a reciprocative action, or just because we are two lonely people in Singapore who found someone who really wants to spend quantity time with them? Yet knowing that this would not last, I cling on to the little time we have together?

I'm going crazy. I know I can never be really happy with him, yet I keep thinking about him. He just pops up in my mind...Even in Aceh. When I thought I've left him far, far away. Which makes me even more guarded, moody and antagonistic while I'm with him. So many things between us left unsaid and no one really wanting to know, wanting to say anything because nothing really matters, not to the people around, not to us, because we are beyond what is real, only the feelings felt within. I will never admit to what goes on in my mind, because I don't want it to become a reality, to become another mistake, another thing done that brings me momentary happiness and incredible pain.This time, there's too much at stake. Peoples' lives. Yet I want to live for myself, for the moment, just for a time I long for something that will make me very happy deep inside my heart.

I'm upsetting myself. My thoughts upset me, probably because I cannot reconcile them to my heart. Or what I say doesn't really matter because I don't think that way and it's terribly obvious. No one really knows anyone really well. But everyone wants someone to really know them, or at least, try their best to understand without being judgemental. Met a new friend today, recognized the look in his eyes as one which I used to have, too. Encouraged him with sincere words which I honestly felt. Love is a very powerful feeling. Strengthened just by the thought of a person, even though miles separate. Had a table-discussion on love today. Somehow, I knew what he was going to say. I shouldn't care, but I did. I told our party of five that what everyone needs is someone who loves them for who they are, and who brings out the best in them. That's enough. They agreed, with the nodding of heads and an understanding look in their eyes. Even if the person doesn't suit your criteria that you paste on your wall, so what? You're so blessed because you've found someone that loves you.

And that's enough for me.