Not so sure anymore

Yesterday was talking to a doctor in my company about the nature-nurture debate. How you are like now is not because of your upbringing, but who you were born to be - your character.

It used to be 50-50. Shaped by environment 50% and the other half is due to genetic factors of which character you inherit. Now, as the doctor mentioned, nature is more of 60% influencing how the person turns out to be.

We don't understand how different another human being is from us despite being brought up 20-years apart. Yet we never even try to understand the differences, just citing it as incompatibilities, idiosyncracies.

I used to be someone who tends to over promise, start new things without ending, and always in the popular crowd. Maybe I can talk well and get along with people easily then. But these things do not matter much to me anymore. Perhaps now my focus is to build up my maturity and influence in certain areas of promise. I do value sincerity - things like keeping your word. When I promise to be there, I will. It's simple. I value time, my time as well as others' time. Doing sales, I am 90% of the time early for appointments. I'm not really an early person, but I don't want to keep the person waiting. So I prefer to wait. I have waited for my boyfriend for hours when he has a class or a service and then I meet him after that. It's alright for me, I don't mind waiting for a short time of joy. No matter how tired, if it has been promised, I will do it. And if I really can't, I will not keep people waiting, and say how sorry I am for the mismanagement. But when I have waited long, I'm appreciative of people who say thanks for waiting, who offer me a lunch or drink as a courteous way of response.

I'm really on the verge of... maybe making up my mind now. I told myself, the last time, I was sobbing at Chinatown. Over a childish insult, about me being unappreciative of Fifi who helped me. It was taken the wrong way. I never meant to be unappreciative or critical. I just voiced out how I felt at that moment. And I started to cry, primarily because I felt a lack of support. Why, my beloved sided with another person and never spoke up for me? Doesn't he understand my main source of frustration was because I was trying to ensure everyone had a place, too? Everytime I cry he says I am being emotionally unstable. I wonder whether it is because he cannot handle it. I've cried in front of Shiner... some people... none of the people who knows me say that way about me. My emotional needs are not met for a long time now... since this incident, and previously there was another one. He just rode off, leaving me sitting on a bench sobbing. I had wished he would come back, turn back and take me home. I was so tired, so weary I couldn't even will my legs to stand up and walk in the bus direction. So I sat there for hours... I walked around chinatown for hours hoping, just hoping he would come back to pick me. But he was sleeping at home and I never expected, to cry and cry on the bus journey back. I've given us a last chance since then. It's not that I cannot take mistakes, but maybe I'm really emotionally unstable so I cannot handle this anymore. When I had bed bug bites all over my arm and feeling really disturbed, he was not there for me. If he was the one, I will accompany him all night long, no matter how tired I might have felt. I can always sleep in the next day.

People have advised me to break up, I guess I know why now.

I'm disappointed, more than anything.

Is it worth even salvaging... he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. Keeps saying he can't deal with my emotions. Why does men always focus on the problem even though they say they are solution focused? On my side, I don't even want to share with him at times, afraid of the criticism, afraid of the harsh remindings to focus on Jesus. When a man is starving, do you throw him Bible verses and tell Him God is abundant and plentiful? Of course not, you will feed him a meal or a piece of bread. Why am I always being told by him that God will help when in fact, he doesn't even feed me.

Really at a loss of what to do. I'm not asking for advice, yet they seem to come, and come so clearly. Realised who are the ones who really care about me. About my emotions, about my tears.