In dreams

If your heart is like my heart, then give me your hand. -John Wesley.

Some days are darker than the rest.

It's hard not to be so affected. I get affected easily by surroundings, by the haze. Makes me feel so 'heaty' inside, tons of water still does not quench the feeling of wanting to be in airconditioned atmospheres all the time - the one time where I prefer aircon to sunlight outside.

Had a disturbing dream - almost a nightmare two nights ago. Strangely I only remember one scene - although the rest of them is stuck near the back of my mind, playfully showing me snatches here and there but not exactly how, causing me to wonder if my memory of the dream was made up or was it really there...?

A chill went down my spine however, as I realised I was freed from this sort of dreams for years. Well truth be told I was not as frightened or remember it as poignantly as I had for previous ones. But the nuances are the same. Running away from something again. It's always running and running and I hate running. It's hard to pinpoint people with a soul like mine because sometimes they don't even know it themselves. I only realised it in the last few years but I've always known since I was a kid that I thought differently from other kids. Not that it's supered intelligent thinking, or even something to be proud of; no. It's a kind of unexplainable soulful, nonconventional thinking that just causes us to view the world in a different light. Some psychologists have a word for it - I forgot the term...But it's just used to describe people with an 'enlightened' sense of thinking, they they are able to connect within themselves - and come up with deep theories like Stephen Hawking's - or if they are inclined artistically - like John Wesley, cofounder of the Methodist movement. Every religion (except mine, perhaps) has an explanation for these souls. Buddhism calls them enlightened beings, with a boddisathvic (if there is that word) state of mind, born like this. New age calls them psychic, people with 'auras', heightened sense of being etc. I'm not into those spooky stuff but there are a couple of instances I sensed deeply certain things and insisted I was right and it turned out so.

Anyways, I never embraced this side of me, I just wanted to be like other normal people. Sort of like X-men. But I am slowly opening up to the fact that there are others in my midst who feel this deep sense of loneliness that no one else can ever understand them too. In fact, we don't want to understand ourselves, we will go crazy if we do! So, I'm not sure why I am like that but I believe someday my 'powers' will come forth to help me in some way, meanwhile, I just express myself through doing everyday things. I hope that my disturbing dreams are lessened though.

When the cold of winter comes

Starless night will cover day

In the veiling of the sun

We will walk in bitter rain

But in dreams

I can hear your name

And in dreams

We will meet again

When the seas and mountains fall

And we come to end of days

In the dark I hear a call

Calling me there

I will go there

And back again

-Taken from Lord of the Rings.