When it should be the WHY

Drawing lines.

So nice to receive a postcard from Malta where Meatball is working at now. I mean, it's just two sentences but it's the thought that counts. And all the way from there, too. Angmohs are so lovely. He also wrote to me with a picture of the Northern Lights. Was telling Travis that he should write to girls (that he likes). I mean, it's not what is written, it's more of the gesture, the action of actually writing, saying, hey, I am thinking of you.

(I will write back, just that I don't have his address.)

I hope my future better half likes to write to me. Hee!

I used to wish that we could write to each other in a notebook, passed from one lovebird to another. It would be so nice. A great way to communicate, too. Maybe it's just me but guys who don't write usually don't last very long in their relationships with me. Girls like this kind of stuff, really. So write, pen your thoughts down to her.

Was just thinking about how people are focused on the 'who you like?' rather than the 'why'. I always thought that the 'why' should come first. I hope that no one likes me, oh, because I'm tall and slim and they've always liked outspoken girls. Bleah! How about the soul, the spirit within? You can never know a person till you marry them - it's true, but at least, see the 'me' inside. Read this book today, don't think I'd forget what was said for a long time to come. (It's 'Everybody's normal till you get to know them' - John Ortberg) It says that in The Church we often hear about how its been told, that all of us have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts that only God's presence can fill. True! But he also mentions that there is a human shaped vacuum in our hearts that only humans can fill. Hmm. Guess it's true. I value friendships a lot. But I don't often get to keep, or maintain my friendships well, unless they happen to be people I get to see a lot, like my colleagues, clients, or cell mates. I do like them a lot - been very happy to find out more about the really nice people around me that just want to help me, be a cheerleader for me, and share tips on how to handle work and ministry/life's issues. =)

Back to the 'why'. I've often observed that we like different sorts of people at different stages in our lives. At a certain point, you need more mature partners. Other times, you need those 'act cute' or helpless types, (maybe more for guys, sorry I have too many guy pals) and the most important thing is to choose a partner, if you are looking for a life partner, that will grow along with you. Someone you can bear to look at for the rest of your life and never be bored by his antics. One reason why I knew that my last relationship was doomed for the dustbin was because we couldn't even have a connection. Caring is one thing, connecting is another. And really, it's hard to show you care when you can't even connect, or talk properly, or fight it out reasonably. I should never have to imagine it coming to an end, but I always did, and when it did at last, all I felt was relief. I'm not going to bitch about all the things that happened, because there is always more than two sides to the story - BBC: our mind can imagine up realities, wooo... yeah but it was a bad choice, really. I am awfully optimistic, and it being the fourth relationship I just wanted it to be the be all and end all. The finale, finito, a conclusion to my dating life. But it was not meant to be, and I thank God for that. I sometimes wonder, because he's taking such a long time to appear. Appear! =) Cuz I can't wait to fall in love with you. And I know that God will be there, at least, we will be happy together for a long, long time.

When you like someone, don't focus on the WHO. Focus on the WHY. Then at least you can know, for sure. Learn from my mistakes, don't have to make it on your own. For sometimes the WHO can be very misleading, but the WHY always rings true in your heart. Strip away all the mere barriers of superficiality, and ask yourself would you still be able to fall in love with him/her, if he was crippled like Joni Eareckson? Would you still love his spirit if he looked really different? Ask yourself, what matters. Because in the end, or 20 years down the road, he will look very different from the young chap you used to like. But still, if you remember the WHY in your heart, you will love him forever.

For Grant, I know you can't forget her. I hope to have a love as deep as yours, but one to call my own for this lifetime. I hope you move on, I hope you can find someone like her to call your own. Sometimes loving is painful, and moving on even more so. But you've got to let this phantom go, and find true happiness, aye?