when you like him too much, it's hard not to act like an idiot

Me, and my cell dudes. Can you believe they are 20!

Continuing on about the changes in my life, I guess many people have good reasons to make changes this year. The newspaper is talking about how, we can take a breather this year and do what we have missed out on in our daily hectic work schedules. Like new, inexpensive hobbies... We can now afford to fly to places which was beyond our means, now.

I'm going to land of Oz in May, and I bought plane tickets to KL for transit... at $1. $1!!!

$1!!!

Including the tax and all, return tickets to KL is less than S$70. I paid for the Oz tickets in RM, it's S$441 for the return tickets. *cheep cheep*

It's my first time flying up to KL and I'm excited!

Also, Palmer, my trustworthy Treo companion of 3+ years has finally decided to give up living, so I got a new phone after so long, and spent some time transferring contacts from Palmer to the SIMcard... I realised that there are so many names in my phone book whom I don't really remember who they are - and I don't really want to keep them around, like old baggages.

I told Mr A that my MrBestFriend, is 'no longer around' - which sounds morbid (Mr A thought he was six feet under), but what I meant was that 'he was no longer around, for me.' After the year we spent, it seems that my social life is horribly emptied of someone who supports you 'in every endeavor'; no matter how cliche it may sound. Of course, I'd always have Kie - and he'd always have me too (in his wallet... and around our prata haunt anytime!!!) but it's just different; to have someone who understands you in a way that you want to share more of your life with them, and hold on, and become stronger, and braver in the process of sharing your all-too human thoughts with them. We are living in the grace of God, but sometimes we walk out of it a little. And it's those times that I need someone to chide me, someone to tell me to continue on for the best.

So although MrBestFriend no longer has a place in my life through his own undoing, I found myself staring at his handphone (and house) number in my phone, and was in the valley of indecision whether to 'export contact to SIM', to my new handphone. In the end, I decided that...

Although...after all that has happened,

I still added him as a contact.

I guess...

Deep down in our hearts there is still a capacity to remember the 'good times', taking the good times with the bad.

And maybe I have a secret wish that things could go back to the way they were before.

==

I've realised that through conversations with Mr A's aunt, I've gotten to know so much about this guy that would otherwise be very scary if not for the fact that I do care, more than he knows, and I know more than he can imagine.

It's not about how much you know, but how much you care. And through strange orchestrations, through the 'rain' and the bad things that has happened this year, something good came out of it.

If not for the fact that we had a photo taken together at a young adults' event, I wouldn't have added him into my 'social network'. And if not for the fact that my ex-employee disappeared and owed me munny, leaving me in horror, I would not have poured out to him - at the point of time where I felt that I needed someone to tell...and a stranger seems better, sometimes. So... now, I have a crush on this Mr A. This is not normal, the fact that he still pops into my mind despite my usually strong willpower to 'stop it'. I feel like telling him random things, interesting things... but when I see him, it usually renders me speechless. I want so much to just connect with him and spend long balmy afternoons just sharing, but it seems almost like a faraway dream. And for the life of me, I don't know why I am feeling like this!!! It is supposed to be a fleeting feeling, based on a fleeting emotional attachment on my part because of a stressful, traumatic experience.

Yet having recovered, I find my thoughts frequently wander to him. Each time I walked past the area where he worked- and that was pretty often, for my work; I would wonder to myself, if I would bump into him like some cheesy Korean drama plot. Sigh.Some things just can't be explained. Like why do some fish lay eggs and others just give birth? Hmm.

And when a woman likes someone that much, she starts to think about other things in life.

Everyone has a plan, a timeframe in which they wanna do stuff.

Like, 'I want to own my first car before 30'...Or, 'I want to have kids before 35'. Places to go to. Hobbies to master, like golf...cooking...extreme sports. A girl can dream. But when a woman has these feelings, it is a very powerful catalyst.

I find myself being...braver. Maybe doing things or considering doing things I've never done before. Definitely, more consultations with God about my life. Definitely, more cleaning up of the past issues. Definitely, more conscious about the way I behave with guys - more polite, and less mannish... haha.

As I've told my dear Tagteam friend who is now a Mom - that, knowing both MrBestFriend, with his snazzy charm and languid eyes, and Mr A, I've realised that... MrBestFriend (at that time) is playing with my mind, but Mr A has captured my heart.

A woman's heart is fragile, and dangerous. Fragile because once it is given away, a broken heart does not mend easily. Dangerous, because it hardly forgets, pain and suffering. Although that is what makes a heart stronger in the process of releasing those feelings...

Ah...is anybody feeling this way too?