amnesia

Well, after having another more massive panic attack which reminded me of my childhood asthma days, I went to the doc's again for more (effective) stuff and a dose of good christian advice.

For those interested in medicine, you can wiki (I'm not sure how accurate though) Lorazepam and Zopiclone. I had a depressive period some years ago without treatment, yes, all creative people have the 'blue zone' surfacing in instances; so, I'm not that keen to go through it all again, being older and wiser. For Lora, it makes me very subdued, sort of sad-looking and sometimes wanna burst into tears and sometimes actually doing so. For Zopi, wow! It's what a super extrovert would look like. I couldn't stop talking and looked so upbeat and friendly and... there was no stop-gap from the brain to the tongue, just said what's on my mind. Like outright 'nos' to people's requests very undiplomatically, and I keep laughing to myself, at my own jokes. But both have really scary side effects that I'm getting. (I do hope I'm not sleepwalking!) Well anyways, some nights I have 3 dreams in a single night, sometimes I kick, and been muttering too. It's all very tiring and actually interesting, in a morbid way. Luckily because of the meds I don't remember any of them now, just a slight impression of the feeling I had.

A friend wiser than her years told me she, including all my dear friends, saw how I loved him and had taken this relationship seriously (unlike the rest, I am so sorry) so she told me, at the end of the day, it's up to you to choose your own happiness. And I think it's true. I've been blessed by having some say too many guys' attentions in my life (so not true), but at least the ones that mattered were mutual, and understanding and having real solid sincere guy friends does help me in my general outlook on relationships and not being too clingy or insecure. In fact, and I've known this all along, I have quite a high self-esteem, most books say it's a good thing compared to a low one I guess. So, in a way I can't empathise with people who wallow in self-pity, I'm quite condescending really, or understand some things that others are going through. It's not so good in that sense, and I am trying hard to feel more and on the other hand, not to think so much. Which I've been told to by kindred spirits who can read me. It's nice to be understood you know?

Because most of my life, my thinking is so unconventional/unique/weird that I felt so alone and misread and misunderstood. I didn't really care what others thought due to my high self esteem, but inside? I always knew. And inside, I always wanted to be with some one stable, solid, normal, decent. All I asked was 'God please make him tall' and some one I could chat the night away with. I never liked being unconventional anyway, it never benefited me in anyway (no $ to be made here) so don't praise me for my quirky thoughts.

I'm glad for the amnesia side effect because I honestly don't remember saying things I said, short term memory loss. And other shocking things I did or heard. It's too drama really. Please let things be back to normal and good and happy.