hurt

It hurts, it really hurts.

I thought I was loved. I thought things were okay - maybe some expectations needed to be managed, some things could be worked through. After all, we had shared similar goals in life and common ideals. But I was mistaken. I never knew he could turn out to be such a monster, making mountains out of molehills, accusing me with things I have not done and left me, with a bad memory, of sad times. I'm very tired. Many times my feedback has gone unanswered. He never bothers to hold my hand. Or care if I'm cold. Or even call me by my name. Isn't that the basic fundamentals of being in a relationship, that two people are supposed to care for each other, their hearts open and attuned to each other? I remember way back when he knows I was whimpering, he immediately rushed down to see if I'm okay. Then later, the panic attacks came when I was very upset and choked and could not breathe because my lungs were too stressed, but he did not even bother to hold me or wipe away the tears. Then later, he just went fishing and left me in my sadness.

I've really tried to hold the fort, to be enthusiastic about the future, to want to share something good. I've been holding it in for too long. I'm so tired. I really don't want to shed any more tears. So I should move on, just take it as a bad dream, that all these happened, that it was not resolved but I have to accept an abrupt end, where no one wants to commit to anything.


I never knew it could hurt this bad.