You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides - Dan Hill.
I like this song. Rather melancholy though.
Kinda upset.
The thing about being me is I usually don't know what I'm upset about till hours later. Meanwhile I just 'clam up' and become kind of protective and brusque.
I guess it's inevitable between opposite-gender friends. Getting the backlash from well-meaning people, relatives, friends... yet being clear about where each other stands in each other's life. I don't want to have any romantic allusions about our friendship, about any of my friendships with guys, and neither does Zero, but the way he puts it at times or reacts to me in a group irks, and upsets me. He's really encouraging one-to-one, and I TRUST him, the way I regard him as a best friend. I felt sad because we weren't able to connect yesterday- in a way we used to, maybe because of over-well meaning relatives on his side teasing him about me - we bumped into different relatives twice in town on separate occasions. Sigh!
Because I was sickly too, I just took it the wrong way and I clammed up for the rest of the evening, not even glancing at him when he said goodbye. I felt bad for doing that too, not on purpose to make him feel bad, it's a gut instinct or a defense mechanism I have. Being oversensitive on my part also does not bode well for the friendship, because no matter how alike we may think we are, there are still differenes that every friendship needs to work out. I was on the verge of tears and called him, wanted to say sorry but couldn't say it. =(
How do you put it across to someone you care about and trust very much that you don't want to be remembered and, 'talked about' by the person, but you just want to live in the moment, to enjoy the happy times and then forget about it, because the past is no longer relevant to my life, only the present and the future, and I don't want to erase some old romantic memories with new ones of me, and I don't want to be seen in that light, I just want to live in the moment. I'm sure things will resolve itself, it's a small thing really - and we are both mature enough to sort out our differences. But I don't know how to tell it the way it is, the way I think would be better for both of us. I don't think I can bear another 'journey into time', talking about past friends and old schoolmates more than 10 years ago - perhaps something meaningful and treasured for him, but something insignificant for me.
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