Dandelions in a Melaka cemetary on Bukit China. Took it last year Feb'07, was there alone for a refreshing time.
Been introspective lately.
'Batu-hati' is the term people in Bali use for "broken-hearted". When I spoke about this term to a secondary-level class in Denpasar last December while on mission, many in that classroom understood what it felt like to be broken-hearted. And no, my heart is not broken - I would proudly like to think that it simply cannot, be broken by any one guy. It takes a consequence of events to break a heart. And I could see it in their eyes that they understood, the usage of the term, and the after-effects.
Because one has not experienced it, one cannot fully understand.
My MrCheerful posted up a poem he wrote; on FB - an anguished poem, with the nuances of being hurt by something unforeseen, by someone close to his heart, perhaps hurt by the way the circumstance is, and simply will be that way and cannot be changed though one wishes it fervently to... If you were a passerby just perusing it, you would perhaps say that it is a 'good read'... but because some years ago I had understood the fraglity of my feelings all too much, and I had written poems like these too - that I knew what transpired, inside, to be able to express just a fragment of that, outside.
Sometimes it's your life experiences that makes you a stronger, wiser, kinder person.
But you wish not for these life experiences because they only show you the worst side of your own human nature. And Rachel may be the same Rachel you once knew, just that the depression last year has changed Rachel... (hopefully for the better!) I realise, I'm so thankful for this work I do, it brings me to a hopeful future and I have a kindly Boss whom I adore. I'm glad that I have more friends who care about me, more than I realise; and at every point of time in my life I have people who will take me out and sit with me to listen to me. I'm very much recovered now, and I hope to be as brave and as kindly as I can to other tormented souls. Who doesn't wish to be loved and find a happy ending? Maybe I demand too much - when I see some couples around me, I am glad for them as well as the many friends who are taking THAT step towards their final destination. Oops, sounds so morbid. But know that I am truly happy for those of you who tell me your guy has proposed and you're getting married next year and that I am 'one of the first to know', I appreciate that and I will get back at some people with that line, too, when I am ready... ... But I somehow wish for more, maybe I am not that easily contented, maybe I wish for that someone to know me, to read my poems, letters, blog, etc, and to understand, to understand what goes through in my mind! Maybe I request too much - guys don't seem to be focused on such - and, unlike Ms Austen, I will not stay single my whole life just because I cannot marry into a loveless match.
I mean I will love the guy definitely but as he can't understand that part of me, he cannot love me fully....?
Sidetrack: A SugarDaddy has been asking me out to a weekend rendezvous in HongKong which he is going for some work trip...Sigh! I realize that only after my depressed state was over that I keep attracting such attention from...*ahem* older guys almost every week! Close friends will know. Even in KL was targeted by an Iraqi (stupid terrorists!!!) my boss lost his way to meet me and I was accosted by this tall Iraqi - I would say not bad looking HAHAHA but no thanks! And while walking home in broad eveninglight (near my house somemore dammit) got one man stop his car for me and gestured for me to hop in! No thanks!!!
And now our local ex-lawyer turned developer SugarDaddy who lives in Bukit Timah, has a chaufeurred Lexus, is MARRIED, is asking me out incessantly - I can't possibly say I'm married too, can I? My response to him was(Cannot be too harsh incase he wanna stalk me, die la): 'Of course not. You are married. What goes around comes around.' I hope that will kill it. Sick of all these, it firms up my belief that I should settle down soon. And maybe after a kid or two all the accostings will stop...cannot be Singapore men so desperate will still go after a mama with 2 kids, unless she is hot like me. HAHAHAHAHA!
I have a gentle soul, please make my life a little bit more peacefuller. All hamsup men please go away I need some geek-power. LOL!
Perhaps no one really wants to understand the true feelings of their soul.
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