A birthday card

Before meeting some of the gang today, I went a-shopping for a birthday card. I think this is the first time this year I wanted to buy a birthday card! Both Kie and Architect told me to make one, but seeing the 'doomed' state of my last handmade card never reaching its recipient, I was hesitant at spending so much time on the birthday card, only to see it reaching the same fate.

But I couldn't find a suitable one, all those for sale seemed to be too kiddish or else, too wordy, filled with words that were too meaningful, that seemed too much - when all I wanted to say couldn't be summed up in a simple birthday card. How do I say that I've missed you without being too mushy or oversentimental, how do I say it in a way without making you feel bad and saying that I do understand, I somehow understand: how your work is, how your situation is, and how you are like, and how it has to end, but...I still feel a little bit sad, a wee bit, when you are not there to share the times of laughing, the times of bantering we have in the group, when you are not there to meet the new guys, to like them, to find them interesting and fascinating the way I do?

And do you think it is stupid, the way I hold on to those happy moments, and the way the happy moments make me feel sad? In many ways I am becoming more like you, just that I feel that this is not the way I want to live. It is too difficult.

I have asked myself for my true motives(to be close to you at the beginning), maybe I am insecure so I want a handsome guy by my side?

Maybe I just like the sound of your voice, singing the tacky 90s love songs?

Maybe 'you gave me, something' that Kie, Architect, Jelly, etc could not? A deeper friendship? Maybe I needed a movie buddy? Maybe just someone to talk to on the phone? Maybe someone to help me forget the pain? Maybe!

And...

When I quiz myself on all these (actually why am I quizing myself, I am clueless, it is just 'the curse of a thinker woman')...

I always come to the same conclusion. And I'm afraid, afraid that this is just a pipe dream, a passing cloud, a vapor in the wind. Right now I always keep you in prayer. When it's raining I always wonder whether you are in the jungle shivering. When I'm overworked I wonder if you are more overworked and overwrought than me. And I am scared that it's the beginning of the end.

I have not bought the birthday card yet. =( Maybe there will be no birthday card...