one last dance

The lawn was covered with red and blue, brightly lit tents. I found myself, once again, not in my homeland on Christmas Day, but somewhere very close by. Just a day earlier I had cried in the shower, remembering, after too much wine, the depths of unhappiness I was in. I had typed out my sorrows to him, just needing a friend at that point of time, a listening ear. Spontaneously, the next day, we traveled, each from different cities, to attend this dinner, but also, to meet each other. He was thinner from the last I remembered, a sign of his worsening anxiety and the dreadful situation he was in. I knew that we could not expect anything with each other for now, and sometime later I told him words that I did not mean, 'that one day, you will find someone who loves you the way you are. And for me... I'm going to find someone like you.' I cannot tell him that I feel like giving up on this impossible dream and at the same time I don't want to be with anyone anymore, I don't, but yet, I want to be with him, and at the same time, I worry it will just go awry, again.



The house was beautiful, it had a large porch built for dancing, and when we arrived, the party already had hundreds of guests, some of the bolder aunties and uncles had already started dancing. We arrived with travelers from different countries, we happened to be from all over the world, Germany, America, Costa Rica, Brazil... but we found ourselves in the old town I loved so much on Christmas Day. It was a nice way to spend the holiday, I thought, surrounded by people I don't know, yet feeling more peaceful than I've ever had for a long time.

We danced with each other the entire night. From the fast, popular songs, to the slow ones. I wasn't able to read when he wanted to twirl me, so each time we mis-twirled, we giggled madly and did some other cover-up moves. We bopped and hopped to the shufflin' songs and jumped and swung to the pop songs, and we rested during the cha-cha and bollywood songs.



He did something that touched my heart. From the sides, there were several kids, teenagers, who were watching us dance, but never daring to venture out. He just dragged them onto the dance floor, and once they were there, they never left. Thank you for doing that, it was a good thing you did. Then he saw a small boy in glasses and a checked shirt. He prompted me to go and drag him over. Initially I thought he did not want to dance at all, and he protested, I cannot dance! But once he was there as my partner, he glowed, and had a fun time. I was warmed that he knew this boy had the longing in his heart to come and dance but he was just too shy, and he helped to fulfil it. We danced till we were exhausted, and went to rest in a wicker sofa placed in the garden. Both sweaty, but also happy, I put my head on his lap and admired the stars in the sky. We told each other silly things and I could feel him laugh from the depths of his belly, and that was such a perfect moment. Although the place was packed with people, it seemed that we were just enveloped in each other, despite the loud music blasting just beside us, I felt a quiet, contemplative feeling as we were beside each other, for that moment, just putting away all our other thoughts, and the force of each other's presence making each other feel happy, just happy to see each other, not knowing when would be the next time. I had followed my heart, or my lack of common sense, to where he was.

Later that night, when I knew he couldn't hear, I whispered that I loved him very much.

we could be happy

And then, he smsed me, when he was leaving asia to yonderland. Little things like this makes me so happy.


We chatted, and I found myself sharing about a vivid dream I had, early this year. A dream I could not forget, and had not shared with anyone. I always thought that this dream was, perhaps, God-given, to inspire and encourage me. The personal hell I had gone through, a shattered heart and a lost faith, I never could bear to tell him, and never asked him about his personal sorrow, although, without words, I can guess that our sad stories had the same ending. Because, how could I tell him that I felt the same way, that I had also been very disappointed, that I was happier alone than with someone, yet, I had followed my heart to meet him, to find out something, something I can't even name. And this scares me more than anyone, because in the dream, I was old, and so happy, so in love, walking in a wintry place, cobblestoned streets, vividly remembering and loving the street in which we walked, old and gray but safe in each other's presence. And when I woke, I was hopeful again, that even though it had been a tough year, life is short and there are moments when we should be happy like fools, although we have tasted bitter moments, and we cannot anticipate the future, we should count ourselves very lucky to have met each other in a sea full of strangers. I would like 'us' to become a reality and I know we will not be as happy with any one else, but if the reality is that if it only lasts for x period of time, I would die, just die, and isn't it better just to let things be status quo? I don't know all the answers.

This was the poem I wrote then, trying to capture the essence of how the dream felt.

'Twas a girl's daydream of growing old,
And walking hand in hand through
Cobblestoned streets, a vision of
Being blissfully happy, though
Gray haired and bleary eyed, they walked
Slowly but surely
Seeming to saunter in spirit,
They were us.

Though we speak the same language,
Few truly understand
Or comprehend
between the lines
Of what the heart wants to say
Modernity seeks to banish the dream
The dream of love, the scene an ode to love

I wait in peace, captive to your thoughts
Your voice like it was almost always there
The time and place where it had not existed seemed a distant and forgotten place
While I have time more
With eyes half-asleep, I perceive the cobblestoned street
And the language of love
Our hearts both speak.

One Day (2011) Good Life - OneRepublic HD

One Day (2011) Good Life - OneRepublic HD

I've read the book on recommendation, and found the movie to be awfully dull.
However, I love the soundtrack that sounds hopeful.
This show reminds me somewhat of one of my male friends. He looks like the main character.
We used to be close, but just for a short short while in what seems like an eternity of a lifespan.
For that one year, I enjoyed that friendship, knowing that there's an expiry date to it.

I think that even if I knew things would be short-lived, I would still choose it this way.
We had each other, that one day.

This song also helped me make A decision. Just one decision out of the many I have to make each step of the way. My work, my future path...
I was asking myself one year later, would I have been happy in this decision I have to make if I chose this tough path.
I don't know why I must always make my own life so challenging when there are other options. Like the way how I'm so busy and never having a day free to myself.
Am I scared of being bored or growing old? Meanwhile I have tried many things for the first time, acting in two student films as one of the leads, incredibly exhausting but I would do it again... bouldering by myself, I have not imagined myself doing that... and others. So one year later would I be happy doing the same thing. The answer, I've found, chooses me, I've always been incredibly blessed this way. I hope 4 months later I will have some confirmation of the path I chose based on my intuition and nothing much else.

so so busy

Interrupting a catnap, I am sooooo bad! It's gonna glare at me.

I have succeeded in the impossible feat of attending 4 interviews in one day.
Yes! And I was inflicted with a sore throat that lasted 4 days.

I had initially scheduled 5 in a day, the day after I got back from my vacation, but after the first one took more than 2 hours, I had to quickly postpone 1, and delay the other 3. I am very touched by people helping me to send my contact and profile to the interested parties. In fact, I had not applied for any of the roles save one. And currently, I am being represented by 3 different headhunters from leading firms, both for inhouse and external roles, despite my relative lack of length of experience, I feel really touched by their supreme confidence because I do not have that for my depth of ability.

I had heard earlier from my colleagues that immediately after I had left, they changed the notice scheme for all employees. From now on, people who leave can only choose to stay 2 weeks' and serve their notice, thus getting paid for it, or, choosing to leave immediately (just declare you are joining a competitor) and forfeit the amount. I'm not sure if it's considered ethical to even change the notice period like that for all employees from prior employees able to get a 2 weeks to one month garden payout... (wouldn't it be?)... perhaps a sign of the tight labor market next year. So, I am the last one to get a paid vacation (garden leave) of 2 weeks and the benefit of encashing my leave too. Woooo.

The days are so filled with interview stages, I have to constantly pick up the phone, do job personality assessments, plus my ongoing volunteer work for labor movement, catching up with friends (after being away I have to meet some people in my life)... that, I hardly have a day to spend on my own, ideally, reading a book in a quiet cafe. Anyway there are no quiet cafes in Singapore... Not to mention, I have neglected scrapbooking for some time, my room is in a perpetual whirlwind, etc, etc. Finally tomorrow I have a whole day to myself, just for myself. I will be attempting 'bouldering' tomorrow, something I have always wanted to do for ages but could never find the time.

I have to keep reminding myself not to rush around, or keep looking at my watch. It's strange that we have a tendency to walk faster and rush around when people around us are doing so, sometimes this is not conducive or productive, we may have missed out several facets we fail to observe in the rushed state of mind. I was contemplating to stop by and browse at a 2nd hand bookstore, and my easily rushed-mode mind was telling me the thing I always say to myself,'the bookstore will not run away, I can always find time to come back again (honestly highly unlikely as it's in an obscure locale), besides, don't I have a few unfinished books?' Then, I literally closed my eyes and stood still right there, and asked myself what would I really like to do when I am not rushing anywhere (And I am not rushing anywhere.) I found two books of the authors I like, Isabel Allende, and one of Irving's (someone was reading it on the train), they are too niche for most mainstream bookstores to carry so I was really stoked to find them. And another one of short stories that won the Orange Prize. It was an enjoyable browsing for the better part of the hour.

And I smiled all the way back as I felt the weight of these books in my bag.

my hands are stained a smurf blue

These days, I feel like I'm going on some sort of adventure that I had not bargained for. And before I get old, too old for this sort of thing, I'm glad that I have had the time to live it up a little.

Unexpectedly, I lost my job. Or rather, it was expected, just that I had not expected it to be so abrupt. For weeks, I had already been anticipating the changes, so I can say that I was not unprepared. However, it was still a blow, to lose something that has already become familiar to you.

So on that very next day I found myself booking a one-way ticket for the first time. I knew where he was, and I knew we would not have many days together. I guess we needed each other, we needed to cheer each other up.

Then, without much thought, I did what people have been doing for ages, traveling through places. After Penang we went to KL, and now in Melaka for the week. I'm glad I'm here. Melaka always provides me with a deep, good sleep, perhaps it's the air or else the sun zaps my energy and I don't have burdensome thoughts, just walking around happily here.

It was a blessing to my heart that I found kind people who helped me along the way, to lift my spirits. I persuaded Uncle Clay to teach me pottery for a day; despite my wonderful art degree, I had never known how to manage a pottery wheel and fashion a lump of clay into a usable object. It was tougher than it looks and my hands were trembling from the day's work. I made two small seaturtles in memory of our huge sandcastle seaturtle we made on our last trip - we did not bring cameras to the beach, so this will serve as a longer keepsake.

Then, I kept speaking to different people in Melaka. A secondhand bookshop owner pointed me to a place I could paint. A shoemaker pointed me to a papercutter I could learn from. I went to paint. The guy who owns the art cafe gave me a piece of wood, surfboard length and half the width. He also gave me oil paints, to my delight. A Penang Uncle who painted on canvases, learnt that I wanted to paint, and generously brought a blank canvas for me, the next day. I did not need to pay a single cent for all these and I was humbled and touched. The canvas was quite a big size and in Singapore we would need to pay a 3 digit amount for it. Yet, he just gave it to me, not even wanting my gratitude. So, for the first time in my life, I started oil painting. I really like to be creative, only it's so expensive and ... I guess we do not really have the time to find time to do it. I painted in silence for hours, while people ate their lunches, drank with their friends. And I loved every single minute of it. The oil colors just melted into the canvas, and each day I couldn't wait to get up and continue my masterpiece. I'm using tones of blue, teal blue to smurf blue. Feeling the paint on the canvas, blending and painting the oils, I did this for hours and it is the best feeling in the world, which I discovered by chance, and I'm so thankful, for having these people in my life. My hair is frizzled here, my skin is dry and tanned, but I have such lovely toned legs, and when I look at the paint stains on my hands (oil is hard to wash out), a smurf blue, I think that I am glad to be here on a two-week paid vacation (my company paid me out, it lessens the pain), and having such an adventure.

One Day.

300-over sms (he counted, technically).
280 facebook messages (I counted).
One Day.
18 hours.

It must all mean something, shouldn't it?

But we'll never meet each other again, and one day, he will forget my name. One day, we'll feel awkward at even the memory of things that transpired. A crazy story we'll never tell anyone. You'll lead your life and I'll lead mine. We will stop and stare in silence at random people who remind us of each other. Perhaps the way they walked, or the exact color of their hair sabotages us into suddenly living that highlighted snippet of a memory that we had never even thought about until, the warm, tingly feelings besmirch us into falling into something we refuse to admit that we had not wanted to sidestep into.

After all, it was only supposed to be a meeting for one day and never again, not again for any good reason.

Otherwise, the distance may be good for both of us. It could be that I had followed my heart, or my lack of common sense. I knew what was going to happen between both of us those few days more, precious days - and I threw myself into it, wholeheartedly! I have never felt so alive; so incredibly, unbelievably happy.

I think of him in the shower. We did everything together, having this strange, familiar feeling that we have been closely acquainted for a long, long time. I know we'll never see each other again, based on the future choices we make. But I choose to meet him. And in essence, he chose me, too. Precious days, perfect moments, incredibly happy at these unexpected circumstances.



We chose each other, just for that one day.

if love came easy

I woke up at 5 am, unable to go to sleep. I thought I had heard myself talking to the unknown creature in my dreamscape, and in that conversation I said, 'I wished love came easy for me.'

I wished I knew for sure that this life, what everyone seemed content with wanting and having, would be something that I wanted, too. The Singaporean dream. We have it too easy, but if you ask anyone, no one would agree. They would say that life is too hard here. They did not have anyone else to compare with because their world is so small.

Not too long ago, I thought that was what I had in the grasp of my hand and many less lucky girls would envy me for it. And in the present I could see the future. 2 kids, an apartment, working in middle management, taking weekend holidays to Malaysia, and so on. There's nothing wrong with that. But I also see too many people trying to convince themselves that this is what they had waited all their lives for. They take photos of their possessions and holidays, their loves and lives, but some of us see that perhaps behind the words and pictures they are trying to convince themselves too, that this is what they wanted for themselves.

In countries worse off, this could be a dream never realized. In places where peace is fragile, where money is scarce, where people are unable to find a stable income, their dream might be just to live to eat another meal and keep warm for another night. But what about the next day, and the next year? I live in a country that has only known peace; and the days seem monotonous to me, so peaceful, in fact, that I suffer inside with the burden of my thoughts, daydreaming when I should be living instead. I see more than others; I see the momentary glimpse of someone's heart on the look of his face when he remembers years spent with someone he thought he loved; and then it turned out to be something of the past, and not of the future.  And this sort of morbid thing stays with me, long after the person has traveled to a faraway place.

And yet, in spite of it all, he hopes for a better day ahead, where all the pieces fit together. A love in his hand, a secure future, a genuine smile from within, that says, don't worry about tomorrow, God will take care of us, if it's as simple as that, it can be. And I who have never known a day of suffering in my life, I who spend way too much on expensive dresses I seldom wear, more books than I can ever finish reading, I see this in his eyes, I sense the suffering in his soul, just for that moment in time, and then it is vanished, replaced with the happiness of spending time with someone he wanted to spend time with, me, of course.

How can I ever tell him I understand, that the kindness in his eyes tells me of his determination for a better life.

And that if I keep thinking of that haunting look, I would be able to give up everything I had but never valued, to that war-torn city others call a promised land.

in a split second

I hate to make split-second decisions, but most times, without realizing it, we all do.

Minor decisions - what to eat for lunch, should I buy that nice earring that I fell in love with just 10 seconds ago or walk around the mall one more time, should I walk home or take the bus.

Some less minor decisions may have short-term, or long-er term implications - responding to someone calling to meet you, applying moisturiser religiously on my long legs, booking a flight ticket this or next week and missing out on opportunities or otherwise gaining things I might have missed... ...going to a music event despite being tired, vulnerable and sad... and meeting someone who fell in love with your beautiful eyes in 5 minutes...enjoying things that come your way, and taking any occurrences in stride... making friends who love you enough to tell you schtuff you don't want to hear in your naivete, despite them only knowing you vaguely; and that inspires and humbles you quite a bit... and also forces you to think, think, think... what should I do/feel/act towards another human being in full respect and understanding yet protecting my self-interests, of course!

As always, looking on the bright side of things, I can hardly say that my life is boring. In fact, it seems to have a life of its own... and I am just wanting to sleep for the next 48 hours or so.

==

find what you love - steve jobs

'Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.'

read that today and it was thought-provoking, a good read for us who are 'lost' in the everyday struggle of split seconds.

Read more: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424053111903596904576520690515394766.html#ixzz1W6FVKho6

silent protest

Keep calm and curry on... new mantra!

I am happy that we citizens show our solidarity for the seemingly small situations that befuddle our minority neighbors. I think I can be proud of what/who we are! It gladdens my heart to see my Dad cooking curry just because I asked him to, though, he does not fully comprehend the issue, he understands the crux of the matter. Even those Americans (whom I've met a few last night) can see the funny side of it, and roared with support at the sneaky Singaporeans who in silent protest ate some curry for lunch or dinner yesterday.

Being idealistic does me in, at times.

It's really a pity, because I thought, I really thought that, this one's a keeper. These episodes of 'how I met your father' is turning out to be some sort of too dramatic. While I'm not unpleased about how easily I can attract the tall ones, not much good endings happen usually, and sadly.

Well, the intensity of feelings and emotional thought only proves one thing, that all I have said and done, it was sincere and felt from the heart. Better luck next time I hope.

sometimes, along the way

I hadn't really realized it, until I tried to explain to a traveler with the same name, 'Jeroen' about this cartoonist from Belgium, that I've been following this monthly cartoons for years!

It's quite fascinating to me how he can put some of my similar thoughts into these 4 boxes... And he's been single for years so I think all of us who follow his cartoons have been secretly rooting for him. And now he is finally attached and having the time of his life.

You can view it at:

www.kartoen.be

There's a million possibilities of what could go wrong. I always associate men whom I meet, according to the vague personas of my vast stable of male friends.' Oh this guy is exactly like Mr.Architect', I start to think, after he does or says something so similar to the category of friends of this 'pattern'. This guy is so much like Mr.Woodblock...blah blah.

And I know that I have immediately placed them in the 'friendzone', a word I've learnt from my affection for the cartoons by Jeroen.




'He's such a good man, good 'catch',' is what I've often heard single women say. And I have had the pleasure of having strong friendships with men of that caliber. A few good men. But now I realize that who's good may not be good for you or me. Yes, a good man, a good catch, but ultimately, I need someone who's good for me. And vice versa. We should make each other feel better about ourselves than when we were alone, with just the right dosage of encouragement and a natural need to reinforce the good things in each other. I've met 'good' people who are so wrong for each other in so many ways.

associated content: appearances and exposes

The days are getting darker in The Office. I'm literally sick to my stomach to see the colleagues being hired and fired one after another. Yes, I knew about the high attrition rate all over this industry. Still, I never expected such dark days to befall us. Especially when I'm now the last one in, if they practice the 'last in first out' policy then I have to start packing my bags and weighing my options. Already the walls seem to be closing in. I still get headhunted calls quite often, but I just dread to leave to a similar place. I don't want to go on and on about how miserable it is, but I'm starting to realize I've made the wrong decision.

As the Aussie from Sydney (M.) told me, 'the really brilliant ones don't stay for long', those words spoken at the right time gave me the conviction to be proactive about the opportunities that present themselves. Living daily under the fear of termination should you not have any closures, one month, is just not a way to live nor a good career. I consider myself blessed to have 2 candidates in the running for senior positions; and brought in some top-notch deals as well, but should they not materialize, the sinking feeling of chasing after a moving target would leave me filled with dread.

We have embarked on an unusual friendship of sorts, M. and me.

As he works in one of the buildings along my one-way street that touches tanjong pagar to raffles place, I've spotted him along this road, once each week in the last 2 weeks. I hope he doesn't think I'm stalking him. He always asks after me and wants to know what I'm doing over the weekend. And he would share his, too. We would be ironing or feeding our pets or inebriated (not me) or doing laundry or going to the gym. I'm such a girl to treasure the little silly things like these. Appearances can be deceiving and honestly I had never thought he'd have this sort of side to him, him looking every bit the man about town, grinning broadly in every photo that could be found of him, and so sporty that he has broken all his toes before (as he shared) and even plays for singapore in one of the leagues! He shared that to me shyly, almost in a whisper, as we were making our way back to our respective offices, 'I play for the Singapore Rugby League'. I smiled to myself all the way back. Most chaps would just huffily state their sporting achievements and expect women to swoon all over them, but the way he said it was almost as if he was afraid I would disapprove.

I think he was rather disappointed when I said with a deadpan expression that until then I did not know Singapore had a rugby team ... really! I had no idea!

I hope to support the game as he mentioned it would be his last as he felt that he was getting too old for it. And as long as we're on the same street, busy as we are, I hope there will always be a place to share the little things that often goes unnoticed. I never imagined to see this side of such a guy, and it gives me hope that there are people like this who exist out there. I'm not being overly-romantic, but it's hard to find in this day and age, someone who slowly wants to get to know you, as a friend, and you'll be assured of his help, in any way he can.

associated content: the decisions your heart makes

I've never really thought about why I think the way I do.
It just...works for me. It may not work for everyone.

I miss melbourne and I had met a bloke who came from a different part of Australia. Knowing as I do that most people from that part of the country 'hate' Melbourne ("eurgh I don't know why Singaporeans love that place") I asked gingerly, tentatively, if he liked Melbourne, expecting him to say no. To my surprise, he said he loved it, in a manner that echoed in my heart - full of conviction and ... knowing the place enough to know what you like about it.

As usual, he is one of the many people whom I meet in my life and only meet once or twice. I do like meeting people but sometimes it is rather unsettling especially when you do want some of them to stay a little longer.

We, rightly or wrongly, make snap judgements of people.
For me, those who buy me a large cup of starbucks hazelnut latte scores highly in my book...
It's quite amazing about the little things we notice. I met a GM who opened up his 'typical black folder' and... hey! Inside there was a red moleskin and I felt this instant connection - I use a red moleskin too! I kept smiling at him from my heart after that, I guess he wondered why because I never did tell him. Subconsciously, I want to help people who reminds me of ... well, me. There are some people who we just remember on the phone because their voice reminds us of a good friend we love. And we tend to talk a wee bit longer to them and smile internally. On the other hand, people with weak eye contact and nervous behavior coupled with a bad handshake just does not help them go far and I really feel bad for them because it's all learned behavior.

It's a pleasant surprise to me to meet someone who really understands what I'm going through right now, and uses the right words to hit the right spots in my heart. Honestly, there are opportunities I should consider really soon. And there are no strong reasons why I should not consider them. As I remain half-hearted, someone told me with no mincing of words that the 'really brilliant ones' would do the same. And gave me some words of conviction for the issue. This person will be someone with a high level of influence in my life because he bothered to have a high level of understanding. For so many times we have been trying to meet, but we have had respective spontaneous pressing work demands that made it difficult. And we both understood the special requirements of our work that sometimes meant we couldn't keep to our promises. But if I had not bothered to understand, I would have just wrote him off and be very disappointed and maybe think badly of his character. Knowing him I just thought that this essence or what you call it, a curious mind that seeks to understand mine, is very appealing indeed. We all are so busy, so engaged with others yet we still seek to observe and understand others, well, at least the ones that has captured our minds as well.

This week I just needed that, that someone who wants to know what's going on in my mind.
It would be nice if he's the one in my mind too. The next time round this trait will feature highly. Someone who will see beyond the physical and find the spirited force of life within.

associated content part one

One of those 'social night outs' I had (distinguished from the usual 'hermit' nights) , I was in a taxi with a male friend whom I had just met. We had, with our puppy eyes, influenced the driver to make a last trip for the day and bring us to Dempsey to end the evening.

Friend: 'Where do you live?'

Me 'Serangoon, you?'

Friend 'Bukit Batok.'

Me 'Oh, that's rather far...'

Taxi Uncle 'Eh I live in Jurong, if you all don't mind, I drop both of you at Bukit Batok.'

Both 'Umm... buttttt, we want to go Dempsey...'

Taxi Uncle 'Go Bukit Batok lah! Already so late still go Dempsey. I drive you all to Bukit Batok then I go home'

Me 'Eh Uncle you very open minded...'

Anyway, we finally ended up at Dempsey, though he was rather insistent.

Lately the people in my life have all been trying to dispense love advice. I think that when your hairdresser does it, it is still okay. But when your doctor stops writing about your cold and swivels facing you, taking out his spectacles, and asking 'how is your love life', it is a bit too much!

I can see (it is so obvious sometimes) how one person likes the other, that sort of hopeful look, the way it is written so clearly, that this person is on her mind. In the snapshots of her heart. I've seen it recently. I tell the hapless dude, she is really yours, no? She really has a thing for you. Then oblivious blind as a bat dude will say, non, non, we are friends, that is all.

So maybe they see the same thing in me. The youthful idealism of a perfect romantic notion.

Hairdresser (while I am lying prone getting the dye washed out, a vulnerable situation) began chirping excitedly and said I had to be proactive. Proactive works! That's how she snagged her local husband (she's a foreign talent, they all are) by hanging out at the cafe where he works. I almost sniggered but thought it dangerous since she was sudding my hair. You have to let him know you are thinking of him, but not so obvious. Just sms - what are your plans this weekend. That you wanted to watch this new movie, or explore this new mall.

Doctor after prescribing me medication, said I had to give them a chance. Don't just meet once or twice. Don't intimidate them. Go out more! Less hermitlike. Hmm, how did he know that...maybe he reads my blog too...?

Even my new boss (I really like this bloke) gets in on the action. As busy as he is, he said that I should show some initiative, in fact, put up signposts. (In my mind I saw myself carrying a wooden sign that said.... "Be mine!".) Boss said I had to do something (and even gave me some examples of which I said vehemently I am not going to do that)...if not, nothing's going to happen, ever. Really? I thought his countrymen were more... initiated.

Well... I'm rather reticent and I think... the sweetness has to last on its own, if not, if it's engineered, how can it be credible?

Of course, I recognize that I do need to show some 'open doors'. I am wary of sharing my woes, or needing help, but when I do, I am always pleasantly surprised by the fortitude of those males in my life who step up to the plate.

I started out wanting to write about 'associations', but I am pleasantly intrigued by the people who can see that 'something' in my eyes, maybe, and I feel they are propelling me along this strange, almost magical journey that I just had to write about them. I will not forget their kindness and I also will be kind to those who might end up like me.

After all these episodes, I am learning, to just be myself, and show my true self to the ones who will love me for a long, long time.

my little squirrel

Fell asleep.

Exploring the world
Sebastian and Samantha...

Their mom was murdered by school authorities, one of which was Dad. The murderer took the orphans home. In a prestigious boys' school, squirrels running into classrooms to steal breadcrumbs would be frowned upon and terminated. That was how their mom came to her end.

And that was how we ended up with 2 baby squirrels, trying our best to take care of them for these crucial months before re-releasing them into the wild. They did nothing but sleep and gingerly explore around. One of them, the smaller, male one, seemed particularly attached to me. I named him Sebastian after the most recent guy I met (also seemed apt as it started with 's'). He somehow recognizes his name when I squeal 'sebastiannnnn!' at him, and would be very excited to come to me. But he doesn't seem to eat well lately and is quite scrawny compared to the other one, now round like a ball. I hope he survives, but like most wild animals they often don't. Sobs.



Today, a guy asked me out on a date. Unexpectedly.

I should move on. It's for the best.

snippets in a social week

I was rather spontaneous and came out of my hermit-mode, lately.

On the previous Saturday, was invited by 2 Americans, two of them working here, to go on a touristy walk with one of their visiting friends who's in the US Peace Corps in S.Korea. We had a nice afternoon walk around and I brought a facebook friend who is a Singaporean working in S.Korea and it was his second last day here before he returned. He told us about the '100 day ring' concept in Korea, where a Korean dates a girl for maybe 3 times, and then she is like... confirmed -want-to-marry-him, and on the 100th day, she wears a ring similar to an engagement ring, on her ring finger as a sign. So if you go to Korea you will see many girls wearing this ring. None of us could understand why would she want to commit so fast and ward off other guys so soon.

Saturday evening, the Americans and I went to board game night at a South African lady's place. I invited the Belgianese and he brought a work-mate lady. We had fun learning how to play bananagram, a scrabble-like game, for the first time and he made these words 'sexy youtuber' and everyone wanted to 'document' it because it was so urbanly geeky. For some moments we stood at the window and looked at the city skyline, those sublime moments in comfortable silence watching the night view, as if we had known each other a long time, though we are only acquainted for a few days. This type of feeling always fascinates me. Why some people we meet, instantly seem so much like kindred spirits, others we have known for so long, still seem so strange.

On Monday, drank a bottle of wine with an uncle. He ended up recommending me to his colleagues and I got a deal signed very unexpectedly. And got to meet his Korean colleague later in the week. I don't really need deals in my fulfillment role, but it did feel good to tell my beloved boss about it and hear him say 'well done'.

On Tuesday, caught up with a foreign candidate and introduced him to my kampung. We shared some thoughts over wine, pasta, dessert, a walk. I told him about the thoughts in my heart and he shared his opinion and encouraged me. He too has someone in his heart. But it's on-off and no one knows what the future may bring. We mirrored the look in our eyes, that silly, suffering, wistful, feeling. He's going back to his country, 3 weeks' later - south of ----, where she is, also, but, he will not be meeting her as he told me, as their country is too big. I do hope that they meet, somehow. Love will find a way, when you least expect it. He liked my company so much that he wanted to show me to all his single guy friends, later showing me his photo-roll in his iphone of all the 'foreign talent' guys he knows. This guy is half-English, this guy is Dutch, this guy is German. Which one do you like? I smiled and shook my head at him.

On Thursday, attended my friend's networking event just to catch up with him since I had not seen him since I started work. There were 30 people there and some looked dodgy, some were trying to sell stuff, as usual. But the first chap who talked to me seemed the most interesting, so I asked him to accompany me to my Friday session with Monday Uncle. He agreed. He's from Penang as I later found out, and taught at my school previously.

On Friday, saw Red again at brekkie. The egg mayo sandwiches at the coffee cafe below my building is really nice so many people eat there. He was reading an old novel and I was so so curious to see the title of it that I kept peering at him. Sometime in between 8:35 and 8:45 am, he fell asleep. Either the novel was very boring or he was dead tired. He shut his eyes and nodded off and I was wondering if I should wake him - what if he slept there for hours and was late for work? Lucky for him, he awoke, and sauntered off like nothing happened but I think he was rather embarassed. I sniggered all through brekkie.

Then, went to meet Monday Uncle to thank him for the deal. I was taught to have 6 to 8 touch points for every person I meet, so this is Number Three. Got introduced to a Korean. Who was so excited to meet me and called his friends to tell them about me! Penang chap was rather happy to talk with them and we told them about this event we were going to, to my surprise both of them wanted to follow us. I met a Greek, an American, and 2 Japanese. (Where are all the local blokes?) Was rather impressed by Penang chap who introduced his social enterprise idea and talked rather captivatingly. Later, we went to meet his friends at Dempsey, Selangor chap and Taiwanese chap. All were lengchai... and once again, totally unexpected to have such an evening out.

On Saturday, one of the guys whom I've previously went on dates early this year whatsapped me. He asked me to consider him, to my surprise. He said I was the nicest girl he had ever met. Sigh. But he was looking for a wife, and I was looking for love. He said, who knows, in the future, we might end up together. But I said it was impossible. Honestly I feel nothing for him. And as tactfully as I could, said that there was someone in my heart, a foreign talent. Japanese or Korean? He guessed. I said I was trying to forget, but I cannot, as yet. This guy is not half-bad, a cheerful and simple person who also supported my opposition party. (Plus points, thank you for your vote.) I'm sure he will be able to find a decent lady soon.

On Sunday, I bravely wrote a letter. Finally, coming to terms with what I've always wanted to tell him. As we are friends of some sort, I think it's okay to just say what I feel, for once, and not wanting any 'closure' or any 'call to action', just wanting, I guess, to be able to get out of my reserve and release such thoughts from my heart.

When you fall off a horse, Tuesday candidate said, the best way to recover is to immediately get on another one. (Some gallop faster, some go slower... he continued. I'm not sure if this refers to any innuendos...)

Tell him how you feel. Put up signposts. Many well-meaning people who looked into my eyes and saw the wistfulness in my heart told me, what I needed to hear. I strengthened my resolve and thus, a very surprised guy will receive my innermost thoughts soon. How he will take it, I do not know.

that aww moment just makes me go nuts.

"Awwwwwwwww!"

Someone told me that the 'barley' drink ubiquitious in our country tastes like 'liquefied wheaties' (the breakfast cereal).

Now whenever I drink barley I will be reminded of that!

It's funny how meeting different people changes perspectives on simple, common, everyday life, things you never, ever, thought about. I always enjoy spending an evening listening to people talking (not complaining) about the stuff in their lives and the little bit of sunshine you get inside when you hear about the sweet schtuff.

Uncle Mike, as of the recent past, only an online friend, throughout Election Fever and beyond; finally caught up with me for a meal. I'm trying to be more social this week after completely blue periods of totally not meeting a single soul. I had asked him to bring over a magazine for me, not realizing he had to specially buy it from an obscure bookstore, for me!!! (When interrogated, he said he had bought two copies, awshucks!) And I was overwhelmed with warm feelings for that kind act. The magazine wasn't cheap, and we probably spent 2 weeks trying to set up a meetup so he had carried it around in his geek bag for that time frame, trying not to crush it (as he said!). Awwww.

Of course, it made me happy, only - just only, for a wee, little while. But. I think I will always think of him fondly just for that. And it got me thinking how I could maybe spread a little bit of sunshine in that undercover way, despite the blue-ness. Maybe text someone I've not met for sometime and ask them about their lives. Secretly getting the bill when your dining partner goes to the loo. Taking photos of the squirrels in my life and sending them to super-stressed friends, hopefully, they will go 'awwww...' looking at baby animals sleeping soundly on my tummy.

I'm encouraged to meet the people I meet; more than once or twice, which is the usual for me, always leaving me a bit unsettled because after that, I do feel slightly out-of-place to ask them out again. And I've been told I'm quite intimidating too. Demanding, maybe! Two blokes I sweetly asked for a meal got an entirely wrong idea when I asked to 'have dessert'.

I'm blushing at their imagination and I hope the next time I wanna 'have dessert' no one will get any ideas!

Always, I've realized that on the second time or more, I've got an entirely different read of who they really are. Those who I thought were boring were actually quite nice, unbelievably so. (Sorry!) Those who I thought were 'scary players' were also quite nice. And decent, in fact, unbelievably so!!!

So many people fit into stereotypes, I can think of so many, that we make snap judgements, that we fail to see beyond their physicality, their job title, who they really are, if they bother to tell you and if you want to listen.

And after having some small drops of sunshine upon my blue hectic workaholic life, I think, I will try to take it easy, at least this week, and not be afraid to embrace meeting new people, and just invite myself, or them. After all, its those little cheerful moments that makes my deadpan morning commute expression just that little more lively, thinking of what had transpired for me, with us, over the days that makes up our dreadful lives.

puppy-like creature observes secret invasion

They are here, and they are getting younger and younger.

I'm talking about the Europeans who are here in Singapore to work. Well, I see it as a good thing, we can learn so much from their culture and habits - most of them are really intelligent and work really hard - the average Singaporean laid-back dude though, should be worried, because they really work very hard, and in 3-5 years later they will be so much more advanced in work than their local counterparts, who would be lacking in basic skills and still thinking working the minimum hours required will get him forward. As the fall of the euro beckons, people from diverse places and countries contact me and tell me why they want to come here. I'm sure that those who really want to come here will find a way. It's almost like a secret invasion (I'm glad, because I get my cheese and chips) no one knows about yet. I've met really talented people who got into management at a really young age so now in their 30s they are in senior management (GM and director) levels, and they are really... well, fascinating to talk to and I'm thankful to have this opportunity to spend time with them. Just 20 minutes blows my mind. They tell me they are really impressed with me too, but I really don't agree. Sometimes, I think I'm flaky.

It's hard for a girl to survive in this man's world because we don't play drinking games.

And being social with men, seems a little unsettling, let's just put it that there's a fine, tricky line to tread in this area. Being over-social could backfire, but too many of us try not to be outstanding and blend too much into the wallpaper. Especially if you are young, slim, fair, and single. They will treat you like a little, cute puppy like creature (Yes I can see the soft look in their eyes), and only through sheer hard work and results, then can you prove worthy of being in the boys' club. For me, I see those wallflower girls not really making ripples but then not really being noticed either. Maybe after one year in The Office, no one will remember their name. (Yes, everyone knows my name, after only a few months, but I don't know how come!!!)

I don't aim to be noticed for the sake of it, but I am intelligent too and sometimes my opinion counts for something, I enjoy making positive changes to the status quo. I never was inclined to venture into this corporate jungle but since I'm here, I might as well try to make the best of my remaining youthful years ahead. It has to count for something, hopefully...? After all, I told myself, I can always go back to what I've been doing and it would be a nice retirement job/hobby...

Sometimes I am lonesome, and tired, and I had a nice moment last evening when during games night, my new friend - someone I had just met over the events of the past week - brought me aside, and told me to look at the view. From the balcony of the condo we were in, we could see the shophouses, and the lights, and the blocks beyond. It's just like any other city view, I found myself saying. Almost similar to the view from my block. He liked it, he said. He loved living in this city. The largest city in his country only had 1 million people. He loved being in crowds like this. For those minutes we just looked out in silence, comfortable silence reminiscent of the midnight rides with Chester.

Encouragement comes in strange ways; at the beginning of the week I was having a really tough day; I couldn't walk properly due to overworked hamstrings, plus it was super sunny and I was quite miserable. How was your day, the new friend had asked. I'm upset 'cuz each step I took was painful, I said, actually amazing myself with my sheer honesty because rarely do I admit my upset-ness to anyone, ever. He patted my shoulder as if I were a puppy and later whilst talking about the weather, he said, he loved the sunshine. It reminded him of happy childhood days. I think most of us locals would not have shared his ideology... He said that he came from a dark and cold country, and each time he saw the sun in Singapore, he would smile. And his eyes lighted up, and there was this childlike innocence on his flawless face.

It really made my day so much better, and I smiled to myself on the taxi ride homeward bound.

On weekdays

On weekdays, it's all about work. Most days, I'm super exhausted with no one to blame but myself. I'm trying to do, in essence, the work of two people with one body. In an effort to make up for the insipid routine of my past life. Some days I collapse into bed at 8ish; I thought I was nocturnal, but my body has somehow adapted to being up early in the morning while it's still dark, and shutting my eyes before twilight. Having met so many people on working weekdays, my weekends are now quiet, peaceful ones.

On weekends, I think about love. Or rather, allow my mind to deliciously, wander into almost forbidden territory. Taking a solitary walk to the nearby prata shop, order an egg-and-onion; and sweet hot milk tea, and immerse myself in a novel that speaks of love, or the notion of it, set in the 18th century where love, like today, is frail, often temporal, fleeting, momentary. As they write about the moments that imprint themselves into the beloved/lovelorn's mind with deep intensity, I too find myself harkening back to that short, split second where my eyes chanced upon his smile, an almost rakish smile that burst right open into a full, embracing, warm smile from the heart, a sort of indescribable happiness at this intangible moment we shared, for a minute, for that moment. And in unexpected moments, while hanging on for dear life in a crowded train, or while I sit on a bench to rest my feet, that dear image springs to mind, and I forget my senses, and smile back as if Moppet was here. I wished he knew what was written on my heart. But I'd never have the guts to tell!

I wrote(tweeted) earlier this week that; if love came easy for me... ... then I'd never be able to treasure the simple moments of just... walking hand in hand, and without sounding overwhelmingly overwrought, I'd always have taken that for granted otherwise, until I realize how hard it is to find, or for someone to find you, in the midst of the madness that is the everyday sameness of life.

On weekdays, I try to limit myself to one cup of coffee everyday. I found yummy English chips (I am a chips aficionado!!!) and red velvet cake (my latest obsession!!! I never thought that sg sells red velvet cake and maybe one day I will discover crumpets too) at a cafe nearby; and just opposite, curry puffs freshly baked in flavors of potato and egg, chicken, sardine. Piping hot curried potato just smells and tastes heavenly!

Myself and my colleague has taken to mid-morning snacks of curry puffs so often that everyone now knows of their existence. I hate the morning commute, especially during the half eight crunchtime, I literally see people sprinting to their offices, running through the tunnels. Too often for my liking I have been bodily pressed on scruffy looking industrial workers whose knapsacks have never been washed and seem covered in layers of cobwebs and gray schtuff.

Plus, they smell, so I often wake up earlier and reach before crunchtime, sit at the coffee place below my office building and eat a muesli bar and drink my morning cuppa. I have a quiet stranger-companion sitting next to me most mornings. He has a shocking shade of red hair, which made me feel a little sorry for him, and is as tall as Moppet, and I believe from the same country, although he has never so much as uttered a word in my presence. He always orders the same thing, a sandwich, orange juice, coffee, and reads the same magazine from the coffeeshop daily until he recently bought a playbook or one of those pad computer thingys. I start work half and hour earlier than him so we often see each other coming or going; except for that 10 minute overlap of time where we both sit in the same spot.

Immersed as I was in my book reading habit, I scarcely paid any attention to him til one day I heard strange noises (angry bird?) emanating from his table, mere inches away from my ear, and I turned to look for the source of the noise, and there he was, playing some game before work, after sandwiches. He always walks off in a northeasterly direction and arrives the same way, so Red isn't working in the same building as me. Sometimes, we spot each other at our nearest Starbucks, and, in silent acknowledgement of 2 familiar strangers etching out a living in the buildings dotting the central business district, you may see that the sides of our mouth are upturned, just a little bit, in recognition.

quite good...

If that's the way the English speak then I don't understand my boss a single bit...