settled

It's been said that each time you want to say something really important, you will be at a loss for words, or how to express yourself in a way that does not seem imbecilic or just mundane.

This week has been one of the most stressful weeks ever. Work is indescribable. I doubt anyone can really understand, then again I also don't want to talk about it. One of the ways I expel stress is to have a good cry and then I can sleep peacefully, and not have a furrowed brow and sad eyes. It's strange because I never cried when I broke up with my ex-es or even when my cat, maomao had to be put to sleep. I guess the tears flow, then, when I am frustrated and not when I am truly sad. Weird robot me.

I'm just scared that I cannot handle the stress. In perspective, what I'm facing should dissipate in about 2 months or so, and it's nothing much really compared to those families who have to scrimp and save to pay their electricity bills, or whose partner has been sent to prison... I'm not under THAT KIND of tremendous stress. I realize that at every age, people are stressed in certain ways - so if you say a 14 year old can't be stressed enough to maim themselves, hey, even primary school kids are stressed, although in different levels. I would say that I've led a charmed life of sorts, God has answered my every prayer, I've been blessed beyond belief - but I was depressive last year, and I am afraid, what if the crying never stops? Already, am starting to feel teary for 'no reason', or for reasons I cannot talk about, the whole situation being so complicated. Being scared AND not knowing WHAT TO DO is probably the worse feeling in the world.

Still, I remain hopeful that the situation will pass, although not so hopeful about my emotional prognosis.

To those in 'the know', I met TBO today (friday evening). You know they say all the stressors come at once, it's true, that.

Told TBO about the TBO story, not sure if he 'gets' it but... with the mood I am in right now, I don't really care either way. I'm just glad to finally, get it off my chest, I guess. We'll just have to take it one step at a time. He asked me, who am I close to in church, nowadays, and I said, no one, I'm only close to you, and he actually blushed! It's a rare thing for me to see guys blush at the things I say to them. I'm glad to have met him, and I realize that although he is quiet and unexpressive, I like the familiar feeling that we have, like buying toothbrushes together, and sharing food which we always do - he always gives me the bigger piece. He's sweet in his own small ways - we were sharing a pizza slice and he offered me the bigger one, but I refused to take it, then, seeing my slice had no pineapple (hawaiian one), he took one of his pineapple pieces and put it on mine... I don't care about such things being the unfeeling cad I am, I mean, after it goes in who cares whether there was a pineapple on it, or not; but these small things is what matters in the long run, more than looks, more than being 'manly', more than having a geeky dress sense. Perhaps it's because of my horrid week that just that little bit of kindness and care, touches me, that little sensitivity is more than I can bear.

Thing is, will I still remember it tomorrow? Or next week? Or next month?
I'm frivolous that way. One thing about my work is that I have to make important decisions constantly, oh the stress.

Because I've always felt that some important decisions are best left to The One who knows best.