Dysthymia - being alive, but not living. Merely existing.
Today was a bad day.
I can't describe how scary it is waking up and living your life day by day, not knowing if today, I am myself... or I am just living in a shell of sorts. Feeling faint physically, not able to function well at work or at any other thing. I'm scared I'm going crazy, talking about my feelings only makes it worse... ... I feel like quitting all the time, just staying at home and sleeping. I have atypical depressive symptoms - putting on weight (which I'm actually happier about it, I have a cleavage now. I have never had a cleavage so am amused with it.) - although my face seems thinner. Sleeping a lot, and then cycles of not being able to sleep at all. The sleep seems to be a dark black hole, just falling into it and not feeling safe at all, just lost, and drowsy for the whole day. If I let myself fall into it, I 'blackout' for at least 2 hours.
Some decisions in life, either way you choose, it will be just bad. How can I choose to stop something which started out good, in order for me to recover? And just leave someone in the lurch? I'm not like this. And I thought that it would be worth it to have things 'back the way they were', at the expense of my own physical and emotional health.
And I can't stop my mind so either I just cry or sleep. Wish I could sleep and when I wake up everything will be all right... ...
Monday, October 29, 2007
the drift WISP
The sunset is lovelier over there... At Hotel Equatorial's poolside for a wedding, last Saturday.
Was told, "Now I know why you like Melaka so much", today.
I think words are not enough to describe the charm that the 'historical town holds for me. Sure, it has nice architecture and is like the Singapore of old, but the feeling I have for the place is beyond definition. Going back there reminds me of lots of happy memories...Raw memories too, was rough for me on the first day thinking back. I remember being at Chestnut's place, a quaint little terraced house I would have immediately bought; and just spending time quietly, reading Calvin and Hobbes comics... and not talking. It's wonderful for the soul to spend some time back there again.
This is mine and Grant's fave shot of the day! We had to 'treat' Jamil and his partner many 'cups of kopi'. Heh...
At the bulldog cafe, peranakan food, for lunch.
My favorite photo I took of the couple. Although it's blurred, darn... It's a blessing to know them... I also want confetti thrown at my wedding...I want those ice swans carvings at the dinner. And wedding singers...
2nd link.
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On another note, am slowly revamping the space above my cupboards and etc. I think it will help me take my mind off things. The 'before photos':
I know, I have too many things. Just me to buy whatever strikes my fancy. Plus I love toys. Well, been working on the 'revamp'...and with this little start I hope to eventually sort out/throw/give etc ALL my stuff and be minimalist and organized...for once in my lifetime. I already have lots of storage space but still no space for all the stuff. Why like that. Initial revamp (Took one hour, before I felt faint and 'knocked out' by a flu bug):
Closeup of 'shrub' and some stuff I bought for the revamp. I must say the design is Japanese-Swedish... ... ... cuz all the stuff either comes from Ikea..or Daiso. Yes the black pot (actually a crockery item) and shrub, only $2.
The initial revamp. Erm I spent ...$10. The tablecloth, a few black crockery (some not used here) and shrub. The tablecloth is to put my watch, necklaces etc when I get home... Right now there's the addition of a bible and specs there too... Not really 'happy' with initial revamp - I think I should maximise the space and display/store more toys... So. (Bought some fake grass in Melaka, cheap cheap) Though I feel happy now when I look at the shrub, it's just so round and green and CHEAP! My ambition now is (after I get married) to constantly have nice shelf-top decor plus display nice travel postcards... No nice postcards yet so the picture is actually my company's roadmaps of the land we have in USA. Lol.
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WISP...
Not been working well, not to mention sleeping. I guess I really need some time, huh? Just feel so sad sometimes. And during this time, been having so many people sharing to me too, that they also struggle with their emotional state, that they also cry and cry, that they just can't 'snap out of it'... maybe it's a support group of sorts, a weird one, but I just feel comforted that others also been going through stuff, and much worse. I asked God why, I think some people think that we should never ask God 'why' but just bear through it, because He will not let us be burdened beyond what we can bear... it's true for the latter, but God answers my every prayer, and each time I ask God why He actually answers me. Maybe, ONLY me?
I can't say that this period has brought me closer to God because in this depressive state, I'm not able to judge anything at all, nor am I in a position to criticize or help anyone, though I'd dearly like to do so. Maybe we'd all be better off if we lived in a simpler world like a small laid back old school charm- town like Melaka, but I'm sure Melakans have their share of woes too.
I like what Grant said about 'living in both worlds', he being from Perak, and almost Singaporeanised, having been here for almost a decade. Somehow, I'd like to live in two worlds, too. To always keep the charm and naivete, the feeling of experiencing something new for the first time, the happiness of deepening a relationship with someone. Now, I can't seem to be out of the slough of despond, I am angry, I feel like beating someone up, I am also hurt... A book says insult/anger x resentment = depression. And depression is actually WISP... Wallowing in self-pity. Though few like to admit it. I'm scared cuz everyday I wake up, not knowing if it's going to be a 'good' day, ie I can stand a whole day's work without feeling despondent or crying or just sitting there unable to do work... Or if it's just a bad day and I feel so sick physically, nauseous, faint and having flu-like symptoms - psychosomatic - that I am unable to focus on anything and I just feel worthless, that I can't take it anymore... ...I'm being honest about what I feel because although I don't talk about it, I have and will always be concious of my emotional state and sincerity is something I treasure.
So I think that if anyone feels lonely or sad, they can always talk to me and I won't judge them for feeling that way. I've been judged before and it makes me wonder why. Perhaps they have had a tough life... but I thought that having it tough only makes you stronger and able to help others, not to pinpoint their flaws and constantly grind them to a pulp.
I will stop crying next week. And I will go to church. I want to. I hope to.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
And... the rest of my file cabinet. I like that it's magnetic. Although I feel like clearing all the stuff on it, always. You would think it's filled with important stuffs but only the top one...the rest filled with toys...heh. I love the picture drawing of me, my client's daughter drew it. She makes me feel so pretty.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
goodbye
You are right, Muffin. I've been a selfish person. Many times I could have been there for a hurting person, but I didn't.
Reason is, I'm too scared to get involved in their lives. After what happened. I was traumatised. Maybe I still am.
I used to be nice. I still am. I can't be tough on people. I can't show tough love. And inevitably, I am hurt too. And sad. Do you know how sad I am trying to help someone I thought cared and loved God and my cell and each other.. the same way I did, only to realise that all I ever did trying to help ended up trashed.
I can't help you. And because I've failed, I realise I can't help anyone anymore. So because of this, I've made a decision to not help anyone anymore. Let me live my life happy, although this is a selfish reason, maybe? Beats crying yourself to sleep and getting hurt by words again and again. Being vulnerable to you only makes me sad. I thought we were friends, at least. I wish that things could be good again. That we could eventually realise what we have planned for in the future. The biz plans and the cell plans.
It's been a lovely 6-7 years as a leader and now it's time to go.
Cheers.
Reason is, I'm too scared to get involved in their lives. After what happened. I was traumatised. Maybe I still am.
I used to be nice. I still am. I can't be tough on people. I can't show tough love. And inevitably, I am hurt too. And sad. Do you know how sad I am trying to help someone I thought cared and loved God and my cell and each other.. the same way I did, only to realise that all I ever did trying to help ended up trashed.
I can't help you. And because I've failed, I realise I can't help anyone anymore. So because of this, I've made a decision to not help anyone anymore. Let me live my life happy, although this is a selfish reason, maybe? Beats crying yourself to sleep and getting hurt by words again and again. Being vulnerable to you only makes me sad. I thought we were friends, at least. I wish that things could be good again. That we could eventually realise what we have planned for in the future. The biz plans and the cell plans.
It's been a lovely 6-7 years as a leader and now it's time to go.
Cheers.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
scabies
both me and my bunny are in a bad mood.
Well. It seems that every year I get plagued by some interesting illness/disease or the other. Last year it was bedbugs~ previously dengue. And I had a bad case of gaestroentritis after Indonesia where I vomited my bile...ooo, an alien shade of green.
And now, itching miserably with scabies. Scabies! Sounds horrid. Nothing I've read online seems promising either. I just hope it's the:
"In persons who handle affected animals, an extremely pruritic papular eruption can develop that differs from ordinary scabies in several ways: distribution of lesions is proximal, with involvement of the thighs, abdomen, and forearms. Burrows are usually absent. The course is self-limited, provided there is no reexposure. Other persons in the household do not have to be treated, because human-to-human transmission of animal scabies does not occur."
and not the type of scabies which is:
"Atypical presentations of scabies have been described in immunosuppressed persons, including organ transplant recipients, patients with lymphoma or leukemia, and patients with AIDS. Itching and scratching, with elimination of mites and burrows, may be minimal in patients who lack an immunologic host response, allowing for thousands of mites to reproduce and thrive.3 Crusted scabies, which was originally described in Norway, is associated with widespread hyperkeratotic lesions and deep fissures in the skin. Crusted scabies can develop in patients with malnutrition or severe mental deficiency and in institutionalized patients. The condition is highly contagious because of the large number of mites present in the exfoliating skin.
A severe form of scabies with unusual clinical features consisting of crusted lesions and a widespread pruritic papular dermatitis has been described in HIV-infected patients.3,5 In these patients, multiple treatment applications may be needed because of the large mite population and the patients' impaired immunologic response."
I was misdiagnosed by the doctor (The last quack doctor told me my dengue was food poisoning, not funny) to have a allergic rash derived from food sensitivity. Tsk tsk.
And for a 'normal' person I have had almost ALL of the major illnesses.
In my short life, I have had chickenpox, mumps, asthma, hand-foot-mouth-disease (it was so rare when I was a child that I was undiagnosed until the recent outbreak), dengue... oh, and now add scabies to the list. Itch. itch. I hope my bunny survives this, it looks so frail and in a shell-shocked state after the injection, scabicide and shampoo. Sigh.
Well. It seems that every year I get plagued by some interesting illness/disease or the other. Last year it was bedbugs~ previously dengue. And I had a bad case of gaestroentritis after Indonesia where I vomited my bile...ooo, an alien shade of green.
And now, itching miserably with scabies. Scabies! Sounds horrid. Nothing I've read online seems promising either. I just hope it's the:
"In persons who handle affected animals, an extremely pruritic papular eruption can develop that differs from ordinary scabies in several ways: distribution of lesions is proximal, with involvement of the thighs, abdomen, and forearms. Burrows are usually absent. The course is self-limited, provided there is no reexposure. Other persons in the household do not have to be treated, because human-to-human transmission of animal scabies does not occur."
and not the type of scabies which is:
"Atypical presentations of scabies have been described in immunosuppressed persons, including organ transplant recipients, patients with lymphoma or leukemia, and patients with AIDS. Itching and scratching, with elimination of mites and burrows, may be minimal in patients who lack an immunologic host response, allowing for thousands of mites to reproduce and thrive.3 Crusted scabies, which was originally described in Norway, is associated with widespread hyperkeratotic lesions and deep fissures in the skin. Crusted scabies can develop in patients with malnutrition or severe mental deficiency and in institutionalized patients. The condition is highly contagious because of the large number of mites present in the exfoliating skin.
A severe form of scabies with unusual clinical features consisting of crusted lesions and a widespread pruritic papular dermatitis has been described in HIV-infected patients.3,5 In these patients, multiple treatment applications may be needed because of the large mite population and the patients' impaired immunologic response."
I was misdiagnosed by the doctor (The last quack doctor told me my dengue was food poisoning, not funny) to have a allergic rash derived from food sensitivity. Tsk tsk.
And for a 'normal' person I have had almost ALL of the major illnesses.
In my short life, I have had chickenpox, mumps, asthma, hand-foot-mouth-disease (it was so rare when I was a child that I was undiagnosed until the recent outbreak), dengue... oh, and now add scabies to the list. Itch. itch. I hope my bunny survives this, it looks so frail and in a shell-shocked state after the injection, scabicide and shampoo. Sigh.
Monday, October 15, 2007
It's over.
Well, I've 'snapped' out of my depressive state. =)
This is what I wrote a week ago:
I'm not a strong person.
I'm scared to wake up everyday, not knowing what the day brings. Some days are just 'bad' days when I just cannot wake up and I 'blackout' for two more hours, all the while setting my brain off into strange loopy dreams and imaginations that seem half-real. If this is my mind in a drugged, tranquil state, then I don't want to know what it is like in reality.
I've always thought I have a high tolerance level to life's ups and downs. I've always thought I can help people. But now, it doesn't seem that I can do anything right. I chose to take the path of least resistance. But I am resisting inside.
I've always valued the process of understanding people, values, thoughts, ideas.
And now, having gone through something like this myself, I can understand better, how people get depressed. One of my cell members had a day-checkup at IMH for depression as well. (He authorized me to share his story with anyone who needed encouragement, so.) I can understand why some people wait so long - too long, to get help. Even if they share to others, they will feel that nobody understands them. For me, I'm just so scared to stay alone at home, because then I would have weeping spells, feel sad for no reason - it sounds dumb, but it's a real thing that I have experienced. I knew I couldn't carry on like this - maybe I'm emotionally weak, but I took medication and it was so so much better. I'm actually someone who doesn't like to ask for help, so I felt really weak and worthless and small when I just had to depend on my friends. I think it's important for all of us to seek help, before it's ... too late. My sister mentioned that most of the patients in IMH (she interned there as a nursing student) are all highly intelligent - some are doctors. But they/their mental state cannot face up to reality. When people ask them what they are doing there, they say they are there for a holiday... it's really sad, and I'm glad that this time round I looked for help. I had a depressive episode once 2 yrs ago. I guess the chemicals of the brain misfire once in a while. And trust me, I still remember those miserable feelings. And I can't imagine how it would be being miserable everyday. I try to understand, and it's scary sometimes to want to seek help, not knowing how the medication would affect your brain, or have side effects on your body. Not knowing how people would look at you and not wanting people around you to worry. Feeling so... disengaged, so disillusioned.
It's no one's fault when you are depresssed, nor can you blame it on one trigger or being 'weak'. To me it's a way of dealing with your emotions, the way your body chose to. Having a support group is very important too. I can't say that I'm fully OK, or that it's a choice to walk out of it, ask any depressed person and they will tell you they want to, but they just can't, you know. It takes more than just self-will and sheer mental positivity, really.
Through the ups and downs of life, I'm glad for God's presence. Sometimes it's hard to hear God. It doesn't mean He doesn't love you.
Well, I've 'snapped' out of my depressive state. =)
This is what I wrote a week ago:
I'm not a strong person.
I'm scared to wake up everyday, not knowing what the day brings. Some days are just 'bad' days when I just cannot wake up and I 'blackout' for two more hours, all the while setting my brain off into strange loopy dreams and imaginations that seem half-real. If this is my mind in a drugged, tranquil state, then I don't want to know what it is like in reality.
I've always thought I have a high tolerance level to life's ups and downs. I've always thought I can help people. But now, it doesn't seem that I can do anything right. I chose to take the path of least resistance. But I am resisting inside.
I've always valued the process of understanding people, values, thoughts, ideas.
And now, having gone through something like this myself, I can understand better, how people get depressed. One of my cell members had a day-checkup at IMH for depression as well. (He authorized me to share his story with anyone who needed encouragement, so.) I can understand why some people wait so long - too long, to get help. Even if they share to others, they will feel that nobody understands them. For me, I'm just so scared to stay alone at home, because then I would have weeping spells, feel sad for no reason - it sounds dumb, but it's a real thing that I have experienced. I knew I couldn't carry on like this - maybe I'm emotionally weak, but I took medication and it was so so much better. I'm actually someone who doesn't like to ask for help, so I felt really weak and worthless and small when I just had to depend on my friends. I think it's important for all of us to seek help, before it's ... too late. My sister mentioned that most of the patients in IMH (she interned there as a nursing student) are all highly intelligent - some are doctors. But they/their mental state cannot face up to reality. When people ask them what they are doing there, they say they are there for a holiday... it's really sad, and I'm glad that this time round I looked for help. I had a depressive episode once 2 yrs ago. I guess the chemicals of the brain misfire once in a while. And trust me, I still remember those miserable feelings. And I can't imagine how it would be being miserable everyday. I try to understand, and it's scary sometimes to want to seek help, not knowing how the medication would affect your brain, or have side effects on your body. Not knowing how people would look at you and not wanting people around you to worry. Feeling so... disengaged, so disillusioned.
It's no one's fault when you are depresssed, nor can you blame it on one trigger or being 'weak'. To me it's a way of dealing with your emotions, the way your body chose to. Having a support group is very important too. I can't say that I'm fully OK, or that it's a choice to walk out of it, ask any depressed person and they will tell you they want to, but they just can't, you know. It takes more than just self-will and sheer mental positivity, really.
Through the ups and downs of life, I'm glad for God's presence. Sometimes it's hard to hear God. It doesn't mean He doesn't love you.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Victor Tang
Congratulations Victor, for making it so far. You're in the Top 3...incredible huh...
I really admire your tenacity, and talent. Continue to write songs, continue to sing. Continue to be true to your dream.
Singaporeans, show your support for Live The Dream finalists. SMS S2 to 71199 or call 1900-112-1102.
One of my guy friends told me last week that his heart's been shattered into a million pieces. It sounds terrifying, coming from him, because he is a logical, calm, cool, collected, quiet person. To imagine him having such intense emotions would be impossible, for me. Just the other day we were looking with anticipation for the future of his heart's desire... ...and now, it all seems so bleak and pensive. Being emotionally down these days, almost depressive, has helped me to see things a bit differently. I feel more for people. And when they share about their emotions, I really can understand and feel the way they do. I never used to be able to, feel things other people do.
I asked God what should the outcome of things be, and how does He want me to be... I just want to let the unimportant things of my life go, and I've been thinking a lot about how we fill up our time with meaningless and insignificant activities. How we have been so wasteful in our lifetime, when we could have saved more money and done more for the environment. Having lunch with Creampuff, once a week, is something I look forward to. We will always eat at this foodcourt, and because he doesn't have much income due to his huge debts, he doesn't splurge on food and doesn't buy drinks to save... I followed his actions recently, eating at the same stall, bringing my purple nalgene waterbottle along...and it was so liberating. I don't really know how to explain the feeling, but it's a sense of achievement-like feel, being able to give a shit about people, and not putting them down, or the small little things they do to achieve more independence and financial freedom, like eating at food court everyday and saving to pay their family's debts.
I admire and respect people like Smallbiscuit... her family has debts too, low income, and her sister was sharing with me, about the deficit in their electricity bills. I knew they had a time when the electricity was cut off and they had to go around by candlelight at night. Their little income is not enough to pay for the debt, so month by month, little by little, they slowly paid it off and recently, they had a zero balance instead of a negative one. I rejoiced along with them, but at the same time, I realised that I had been so frivolous, spending on unnecessary luxuries, when Smallbiscuit had to work on weekends on top of her already exhausting daily work, saving every penny for the bills. Maybe, as Huntley said, when I have more commitments, I would be motivated to work harder and earn and save more. And in life, the people who have gone through this kind of hardships are the ones with backbone, with character. This year, I have learnt a lot of things about money, and I hope that what I've learnt this year will bear fruit in the next two, and I will have a sustainable wealth then.
I'm glad for these souls in my life, now, more than ever, I begin to see the value I place on these people and will hope that they are my friends for this lifetime. And I respect the way they share - their lives are not easy, but through it all, they have this indomitable spirit that gives them the energy to go on. Calbee asked me how come I sound so optimistic and cheery, not knowing that only a few hours before, I was sobbing relentlessly... last week. I am inspired by the friends I have, how they remain positive inspite of their troubles.
I've realised one reason why I am sad - and angry. At myself... Because I cherish the times spent, with Muffin; but I never had the realization of the value it has on my life. Some people have said, perhaps both of us spent too much time together and each had different expectations, so this backfired on us. I never thought it was too much time, ... I actually wished it would last longer. I feel so helpless when it comes to talking about how I feel and even sustaining a deep communication with him, maybe I'm still guarded, maybe it's because I feel that I have to be something I'm not in front of him... I just wanted to help, because I care. But I know that I'm not the one who can help, and I cannot help him. That with or without me, he will still be the same.
But a part of me wishes that if the outcome was different, that I could have made a difference, and I know it...Then, I would give my all to help. Zero asked me to count the cost, is it worthwhile for my life to give all to help this one person? For this one, it is worth it. I feel bad that I am not able to overcome my feelings. But in time, I will. I believe that there will be a point in time where I can just look at him and not remember how lousy I feel. Eventually.
I asked God what should the outcome of things be, and how does He want me to be... I just want to let the unimportant things of my life go, and I've been thinking a lot about how we fill up our time with meaningless and insignificant activities. How we have been so wasteful in our lifetime, when we could have saved more money and done more for the environment. Having lunch with Creampuff, once a week, is something I look forward to. We will always eat at this foodcourt, and because he doesn't have much income due to his huge debts, he doesn't splurge on food and doesn't buy drinks to save... I followed his actions recently, eating at the same stall, bringing my purple nalgene waterbottle along...and it was so liberating. I don't really know how to explain the feeling, but it's a sense of achievement-like feel, being able to give a shit about people, and not putting them down, or the small little things they do to achieve more independence and financial freedom, like eating at food court everyday and saving to pay their family's debts.
I admire and respect people like Smallbiscuit... her family has debts too, low income, and her sister was sharing with me, about the deficit in their electricity bills. I knew they had a time when the electricity was cut off and they had to go around by candlelight at night. Their little income is not enough to pay for the debt, so month by month, little by little, they slowly paid it off and recently, they had a zero balance instead of a negative one. I rejoiced along with them, but at the same time, I realised that I had been so frivolous, spending on unnecessary luxuries, when Smallbiscuit had to work on weekends on top of her already exhausting daily work, saving every penny for the bills. Maybe, as Huntley said, when I have more commitments, I would be motivated to work harder and earn and save more. And in life, the people who have gone through this kind of hardships are the ones with backbone, with character. This year, I have learnt a lot of things about money, and I hope that what I've learnt this year will bear fruit in the next two, and I will have a sustainable wealth then.
I'm glad for these souls in my life, now, more than ever, I begin to see the value I place on these people and will hope that they are my friends for this lifetime. And I respect the way they share - their lives are not easy, but through it all, they have this indomitable spirit that gives them the energy to go on. Calbee asked me how come I sound so optimistic and cheery, not knowing that only a few hours before, I was sobbing relentlessly... last week. I am inspired by the friends I have, how they remain positive inspite of their troubles.
I've realised one reason why I am sad - and angry. At myself... Because I cherish the times spent, with Muffin; but I never had the realization of the value it has on my life. Some people have said, perhaps both of us spent too much time together and each had different expectations, so this backfired on us. I never thought it was too much time, ... I actually wished it would last longer. I feel so helpless when it comes to talking about how I feel and even sustaining a deep communication with him, maybe I'm still guarded, maybe it's because I feel that I have to be something I'm not in front of him... I just wanted to help, because I care. But I know that I'm not the one who can help, and I cannot help him. That with or without me, he will still be the same.
But a part of me wishes that if the outcome was different, that I could have made a difference, and I know it...Then, I would give my all to help. Zero asked me to count the cost, is it worthwhile for my life to give all to help this one person? For this one, it is worth it. I feel bad that I am not able to overcome my feelings. But in time, I will. I believe that there will be a point in time where I can just look at him and not remember how lousy I feel. Eventually.
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