And the song was so apt. Somehow, the lyrics made so much sense to me after that.
But well, I still can't figure out a way to encode the video thingy and blog it. Maybe later.
Tags: travelogue
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Video for Nias Team 1
Took less than 2 hours to conceptualize and finish editing the vid clips. Rather satisfied with it 'cuz it's only my second time making a video - not actually making, more of compiling. Pleased with the blog, too, although haven't figured out how to use the media audio hosts (Signed up for two, but the configs were too confusing for me. Shows that they need more webdesigners and less IT techies on the job.) Not that satisfied with the vid, though... wish I was using iMovie. Ah well, found so many great tools online for audio streaming, video blogging, etc etc... all the techie mumbo jumbo that I'm obviously unused to.
And the song was so apt. Somehow, the lyrics made so much sense to me after that.
But well, I still can't figure out a way to encode the video thingy and blog it. Maybe later.
And the song was so apt. Somehow, the lyrics made so much sense to me after that.
But well, I still can't figure out a way to encode the video thingy and blog it. Maybe later.
Monday, August 29, 2005
REAL Run and Divine Encounters
"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."
- Peter Drucker, in "Becoming a Person of Influence" quoted by John C. Maxwell.
Whew! The weekend was a tiring albeit definitely fulfilling one. Did many things I would not normally have done - Like waking up at five on a Sunday morning, talking to sweating, panting strangers... Changing in a guy's room(Evidently I was displaced, and worried too at what the beloved mum would say)...Went to Kai's 21st birthday... Hee. All in a day of my exciting life, aye! So, in the most coherent way I can, I'd try to remember all the really good stuff that has been happening. God has always answered my 'little prayer', weekly, (this week was no exception) and I'm keeping track of His promises to be fulfilled.
REAL Run. First time for me! As a 'spectator', haha. Was pleasantly surprised when one of Jelly's friends, this doctor-to-be, sincerely thought I completed the race as well. Immediately gave him the time of the day plus 10 points! Tried hard not to be too 'overwhelming', i.e. over friendly in the SALTing way, but he was a really really nice person. And said one thing that made me sit up and think. I asked him why the choice of profession. He said, "To make the difference between life and death". Was speechless. Deep thoughts.
After the whole Sentosa journey, kind of rushed to get to Kai's house for the birthday celebration, so I trooped to Shiner's place, nervously, as what would Shiner's mum say? Although I'm quite an auntie-killer, but I don't think any mum would be pleased to see her baobei son with...me, just the two of us? And somemore, I was wearing this killer beach attire, totally indecent for middle-aged women to view. Alone in the house? Changing and, bathing, somemore? Eee. Shiner didn't seem perturbed as though it was a common thing for him to bring girls home all the time... Well, nothing much happened, Mum came home from church, me already changed and happily munching on a curry puff. Mum's the quiet type and didn't shoot me daggers or quizzical looks saying what are you doing to my son alone in the house on a Sunday afternoon... Whew, I tried to salvage eh, his integrity by sending brainwaves to her that I was totally disinterested in him... arh...I'm sure she'd ask him though... hur hur.
Last week was chock-ful of divine encounters to say the least, starting from Sunday's serving at Carepoint where God showed me someone to pray for, and I was taken aback as the person at the altar was the person in my vision. I prayed for her unhesitatingly. On Tuesday, dragged my feet to a Countrybank interview, a job which I knew I would reject (They did want me though - have to pray for the right doors to be opened, then.) Met a Trinitarian I could give encouragement to. On Wednesday, met another Trinitarian who was a new friend, too. On Friday, while at Bishan sipping coffee, bumped into my insurance agent, and asked him to the Action! cell on Saturday. On Saturday, met Des who just accepted Christ like 2 weeks ago 'cuz when I met him 3 weeks ago, he was still an 'oikos'. Connected him with Shiner, hope he integrates into the cell. On Sunday, made two oikos while I was 'guardian of 'my running friends' bags', they happily and trustingly deposited their valuables with me. I think I was perching on a strategic place, and I looked 'honest and friendly'? After the run, managed to get one oikos' contact with an invitation to the night cycling event, too! Glad I could put SALTing into practice, with a great testimony to share to my cell folks.
Looking back at the week, it's simply amazing, people might think that I'm awfully anointed - I know I'm not, I just am terribly prayerful lately, since I do have a lot of spare time on my hands. And God has met some of my personal agendas too, I got to know some of my cell mates better, something I wanted to do for some time, and deepened some new friendships as well. Realised that bonds are forged with time, and with the sharing of similar experiences.
Leading a cell for me in this season has been relatively smooth-sailing. Previously, it was almost traumatic. I'm glad to know that Jelly, too, has been through some rough-sailing times in ministry. Same boat, different storm. Trying to be a better listener, which makes a difference in my life. Shared with Jelly that I was not like that in the recent past, perhaps I've learned to take an interest in others, perhaps I was too preoccupied with other preoccupations. Lately, learnt(from Jelly, he's a natural at this) to just put all those aside and to focus on an individual, for the few, precious moments. I do enjoy dialouging with this guy!
Through understanding them, I understand more of myself, too.
Categories: spirited, lifeissues, dailyaffairs
- Peter Drucker, in "Becoming a Person of Influence" quoted by John C. Maxwell.
Whew! The weekend was a tiring albeit definitely fulfilling one. Did many things I would not normally have done - Like waking up at five on a Sunday morning, talking to sweating, panting strangers... Changing in a guy's room(Evidently I was displaced, and worried too at what the beloved mum would say)...Went to Kai's 21st birthday... Hee. All in a day of my exciting life, aye! So, in the most coherent way I can, I'd try to remember all the really good stuff that has been happening. God has always answered my 'little prayer', weekly, (this week was no exception) and I'm keeping track of His promises to be fulfilled.
REAL Run. First time for me! As a 'spectator', haha. Was pleasantly surprised when one of Jelly's friends, this doctor-to-be, sincerely thought I completed the race as well. Immediately gave him the time of the day plus 10 points! Tried hard not to be too 'overwhelming', i.e. over friendly in the SALTing way, but he was a really really nice person. And said one thing that made me sit up and think. I asked him why the choice of profession. He said, "To make the difference between life and death". Was speechless. Deep thoughts.
After the whole Sentosa journey, kind of rushed to get to Kai's house for the birthday celebration, so I trooped to Shiner's place, nervously, as what would Shiner's mum say? Although I'm quite an auntie-killer, but I don't think any mum would be pleased to see her baobei son with...me, just the two of us? And somemore, I was wearing this killer beach attire, totally indecent for middle-aged women to view. Alone in the house? Changing and, bathing, somemore? Eee. Shiner didn't seem perturbed as though it was a common thing for him to bring girls home all the time... Well, nothing much happened, Mum came home from church, me already changed and happily munching on a curry puff. Mum's the quiet type and didn't shoot me daggers or quizzical looks saying what are you doing to my son alone in the house on a Sunday afternoon... Whew, I tried to salvage eh, his integrity by sending brainwaves to her that I was totally disinterested in him... arh...I'm sure she'd ask him though... hur hur.
Last week was chock-ful of divine encounters to say the least, starting from Sunday's serving at Carepoint where God showed me someone to pray for, and I was taken aback as the person at the altar was the person in my vision. I prayed for her unhesitatingly. On Tuesday, dragged my feet to a Countrybank interview, a job which I knew I would reject (They did want me though - have to pray for the right doors to be opened, then.) Met a Trinitarian I could give encouragement to. On Wednesday, met another Trinitarian who was a new friend, too. On Friday, while at Bishan sipping coffee, bumped into my insurance agent, and asked him to the Action! cell on Saturday. On Saturday, met Des who just accepted Christ like 2 weeks ago 'cuz when I met him 3 weeks ago, he was still an 'oikos'. Connected him with Shiner, hope he integrates into the cell. On Sunday, made two oikos while I was 'guardian of 'my running friends' bags', they happily and trustingly deposited their valuables with me. I think I was perching on a strategic place, and I looked 'honest and friendly'? After the run, managed to get one oikos' contact with an invitation to the night cycling event, too! Glad I could put SALTing into practice, with a great testimony to share to my cell folks.
Looking back at the week, it's simply amazing, people might think that I'm awfully anointed - I know I'm not, I just am terribly prayerful lately, since I do have a lot of spare time on my hands. And God has met some of my personal agendas too, I got to know some of my cell mates better, something I wanted to do for some time, and deepened some new friendships as well. Realised that bonds are forged with time, and with the sharing of similar experiences.
Leading a cell for me in this season has been relatively smooth-sailing. Previously, it was almost traumatic. I'm glad to know that Jelly, too, has been through some rough-sailing times in ministry. Same boat, different storm. Trying to be a better listener, which makes a difference in my life. Shared with Jelly that I was not like that in the recent past, perhaps I've learned to take an interest in others, perhaps I was too preoccupied with other preoccupations. Lately, learnt(from Jelly, he's a natural at this) to just put all those aside and to focus on an individual, for the few, precious moments. I do enjoy dialouging with this guy!
Through understanding them, I understand more of myself, too.
Categories: spirited, lifeissues, dailyaffairs
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Do what?
I'm reading this book now, "Becoming a Person of Influence" by John C Maxwell and Jim Dornan. One thing that struck me today was something said by William James:
"Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for the practice."
So today, actually...there was one thing. I had to go to this job interview for a job that I did not want as I disagreed with the salary, the location and the job scope itself. Besides, the interview was postponed thrice and the first time, I made a trip there for naught. So I was increasingly irritated as well and really wanted to go to the gym instead of this interview, before cell today. But, I remembered what I read, and I felt compelled to just go , even though I really do not want to...Thought I would do something to build up my character.
On the way there, I met someone - a Trinitarian! This guy whom I've always seen around in church but never got acquainted to. We both recognized each other, but hesitated to say hi. After all, we were practically strangers. I took of my earphones and ventured to say something which in retropect was rather idiotic - "Hey, you're from church, right?" We just started talking (another amazing thing, in the past I would never do this...I'd walk hurriedly away, haha) and he asked where I was going, I shared about the interview that I did not want...After the conversation, he told me he would keep a lookout for a job for me, and said actually he was feeling pretty down before he met me, because of his work, but he actually brightened up and we both managed to share and encourage each other before we parted.
I'm really amazed at this divine appointment, I stop to think that if I had never ventured out of my house, I would not have a chance to encourage someone, or to even know this person.
The next thing I had to do was to run ...OH I hate running... I can walk stairs or lift weights but please don't ask me to run. Shiner said that he doesn't like people who do not have the right attitude and mindset in taking on stuff like running. I am someone who is peeved when anyone implies that I don't have the right attitude (Perhaps I don't really have one, yes?) So I'd go all out to 'prove' the person wrong, that I am right... Well, yesterday I ran 1 round round the small jogging track below my house...Heard about thighs getting huge if jogging on flat surfaces, so I sprinted and ran on 'terrain' which included several staircases. Today, I ran 2 rounds. It's really 'nothing' when you look at the small small track... but to me, it's a big accomplishment - Doing something I hate to do... And also, to prove people right, in the right attitude of doing things. Shiner's slightly amazed that I can push myself to do these things, but then again, I am tenacious, =) And actually the weather today is cool and breezy, just the right temperature for a midnight sprint. My legs ache though, I wonder if I can manage 3 rounds tomorrow...
I'm still wondering about God's purposes...lately He has been answering all my 'short-term' prayers...Simply wonderful, as I do pray seriously about the small matters that mean so much to me. I hope to be used by Him, to hear the prompting within, something which I've neglected for some time. =) I'll rest happy tonight, despite the aching legs.
Categories: spirited, dailyaffairs
"Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for the practice."
So today, actually...there was one thing. I had to go to this job interview for a job that I did not want as I disagreed with the salary, the location and the job scope itself. Besides, the interview was postponed thrice and the first time, I made a trip there for naught. So I was increasingly irritated as well and really wanted to go to the gym instead of this interview, before cell today. But, I remembered what I read, and I felt compelled to just go , even though I really do not want to...Thought I would do something to build up my character.
On the way there, I met someone - a Trinitarian! This guy whom I've always seen around in church but never got acquainted to. We both recognized each other, but hesitated to say hi. After all, we were practically strangers. I took of my earphones and ventured to say something which in retropect was rather idiotic - "Hey, you're from church, right?" We just started talking (another amazing thing, in the past I would never do this...I'd walk hurriedly away, haha) and he asked where I was going, I shared about the interview that I did not want...After the conversation, he told me he would keep a lookout for a job for me, and said actually he was feeling pretty down before he met me, because of his work, but he actually brightened up and we both managed to share and encourage each other before we parted.
I'm really amazed at this divine appointment, I stop to think that if I had never ventured out of my house, I would not have a chance to encourage someone, or to even know this person.
The next thing I had to do was to run ...OH I hate running... I can walk stairs or lift weights but please don't ask me to run. Shiner said that he doesn't like people who do not have the right attitude and mindset in taking on stuff like running. I am someone who is peeved when anyone implies that I don't have the right attitude (Perhaps I don't really have one, yes?) So I'd go all out to 'prove' the person wrong, that I am right... Well, yesterday I ran 1 round round the small jogging track below my house...Heard about thighs getting huge if jogging on flat surfaces, so I sprinted and ran on 'terrain' which included several staircases. Today, I ran 2 rounds. It's really 'nothing' when you look at the small small track... but to me, it's a big accomplishment - Doing something I hate to do... And also, to prove people right, in the right attitude of doing things. Shiner's slightly amazed that I can push myself to do these things, but then again, I am tenacious, =) And actually the weather today is cool and breezy, just the right temperature for a midnight sprint. My legs ache though, I wonder if I can manage 3 rounds tomorrow...
I'm still wondering about God's purposes...lately He has been answering all my 'short-term' prayers...Simply wonderful, as I do pray seriously about the small matters that mean so much to me. I hope to be used by Him, to hear the prompting within, something which I've neglected for some time. =) I'll rest happy tonight, despite the aching legs.
Categories: spirited, dailyaffairs
Monday, August 22, 2005
Heart-to-Heart Chat
Yay. =)
Had an aptly fulfilling Heart-to-Heart Chat with Travis. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't think I was unreasonable, or over-sensitive to have such insinuations about him, and more surprisingly, he actually admitted to a guarded behaviour of late. Reasons notwithstanding, I shall not know if he refuses to reveal them to me. Of course I would not hold it against him if he does. But it was unutterably tiring to wonder why, for those weeks. Now that I know what I thought is true, the 'why' is less important now. Still, realised many things through the chat - One, that he implicitly varies from me in ideals and the whole thought process. We both made many assumptions that caused hurt to both; on my part I shall be more tactful in this area and choose to act sensibly as I should. I was perturbed that he confessed he too, was hurt with my asinine brushing off of his serious remarks which I perceived as nonsensical utterances, as I was already guarded, as previously I had shared deeply but he just gave a fake "HA ha. aiyo", which made me terribly frustrated with violent thoughts of slinging my handbag at him. I think we would never share the connection I have with Shiner or some others; the intuitive connection... which was what I was looking for actually, a soulmate of sorts, Ah well, it doesn't really matter to me now. It would have been nice, though.
_________________________________________
I'm so blessed to have an online preacher = Jelly! Hoho. Despite not going to YAS I still could get my sermon feeding from the online journals of p.jelly. =) Yea, sharing online does work for me, but I imagine him to be pretty flustered with my interactivity, asking whether Moses was an 'unwilling hero', and all...and I berated him for not being able to remember the 3 points, although he heard it just a few hours ago. Journalling does help, hehe. Learnt from my new cell members on remembering the sermon outline, since some of us attend different services, we would ask each other what's the wtw/5pm service about? Which pastor was preaching, etc...And the newbies could remember all the points of the sermon, which I felt really ashamed after that, 'cuz I cannot even remember a single thing! That was late last year, and from then on I committed myself to listening, and learning, and remembering. I can proudly say that I can remember the sermon outline - at least till the next sermon. Frankie can remember the whole series, it's so... stressful? For the 'Attitudes to Success", he can still remember, I'm quite positive of that. I really learn a lot from them! And Jelly was really nice too, taking the effort to share what was shared. Haven't told him I borrowed his name for my new poster. I guess he would notice it when it's up then, in a few weeks' time.
________________________________________
Baby hamsters have opened their eyes now! 5 of them now... The biggest one looks like the father, so handsome... eh heh.
Categories: dailyaffairs, friendship
Had an aptly fulfilling Heart-to-Heart Chat with Travis. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't think I was unreasonable, or over-sensitive to have such insinuations about him, and more surprisingly, he actually admitted to a guarded behaviour of late. Reasons notwithstanding, I shall not know if he refuses to reveal them to me. Of course I would not hold it against him if he does. But it was unutterably tiring to wonder why, for those weeks. Now that I know what I thought is true, the 'why' is less important now. Still, realised many things through the chat - One, that he implicitly varies from me in ideals and the whole thought process. We both made many assumptions that caused hurt to both; on my part I shall be more tactful in this area and choose to act sensibly as I should. I was perturbed that he confessed he too, was hurt with my asinine brushing off of his serious remarks which I perceived as nonsensical utterances, as I was already guarded, as previously I had shared deeply but he just gave a fake "HA ha. aiyo", which made me terribly frustrated with violent thoughts of slinging my handbag at him. I think we would never share the connection I have with Shiner or some others; the intuitive connection... which was what I was looking for actually, a soulmate of sorts, Ah well, it doesn't really matter to me now. It would have been nice, though.
_________________________________________
I'm so blessed to have an online preacher = Jelly! Hoho. Despite not going to YAS I still could get my sermon feeding from the online journals of p.jelly. =) Yea, sharing online does work for me, but I imagine him to be pretty flustered with my interactivity, asking whether Moses was an 'unwilling hero', and all...and I berated him for not being able to remember the 3 points, although he heard it just a few hours ago. Journalling does help, hehe. Learnt from my new cell members on remembering the sermon outline, since some of us attend different services, we would ask each other what's the wtw/5pm service about? Which pastor was preaching, etc...And the newbies could remember all the points of the sermon, which I felt really ashamed after that, 'cuz I cannot even remember a single thing! That was late last year, and from then on I committed myself to listening, and learning, and remembering. I can proudly say that I can remember the sermon outline - at least till the next sermon. Frankie can remember the whole series, it's so... stressful? For the 'Attitudes to Success", he can still remember, I'm quite positive of that. I really learn a lot from them! And Jelly was really nice too, taking the effort to share what was shared. Haven't told him I borrowed his name for my new poster. I guess he would notice it when it's up then, in a few weeks' time.
________________________________________
Baby hamsters have opened their eyes now! 5 of them now... The biggest one looks like the father, so handsome... eh heh.
Categories: dailyaffairs, friendship
Friday, August 19, 2005
The Essence of Falling in Love Part II
Please don't misunderstand that my mind is constantly tuned to the above subject matter. I am imaginative, and I do have dreams about love just like any other typical girl out there, but it is not my main preoccupation. Although I do seem to write about it more often these days.
Have to 'give wise counsel' to a cell member, for her and an impending romance. Hence the loveful thoughts. Dampening others' bliss is not my preference, however, in the face of integrity sometimes, the truth hurts. Someone recently asked me this question, If your pastor/SL disapprove of the guy you are romancing now, what is your response? ...I posed it to her: If your cell leader said 'no', what would you do? Actually I know I would never say 'no' ... ultimately, it's your life, it's your choice, in matters of the heart. Just don't think with your ass. (Pastor C. said that, in a mandarin version.) Aiyah, which means you don't think at all, never use your brain before stumbling into a relationship...haha.
________________________________________
The start of the synopsis of the story is similar to any of those touching, weepy Korean dramas, except that it was mine. My own true life story.
Boy meets girl at a church camp, Girl was 10 and Boy 2 years older. Boy was Sunday School teacher's boss' son - comes from a rich family - first time in this church camp. Both liked each other trememndously, and all through the week of the camp, they played a game of 'catch' with each other, just the two of them. They would find opportunities to talk while walking up and down staircases, while waiting for bath time, at meal times... all the while playing with each other. The camp ended, and both went back to their respective homes. But they found themselves thinking about each other, not realising that they had fallen in love for the first time.
Boy called the Girl on the (home) phone, and this started an ongoing conversation and decidedly sweet romance that lasted for about a year. After the camp, they had one group outing, but Girl could not go, and she was devastated that she could not meet him. He too, asked everyone about her during that trip. They exchanged christmas cards that year - His' was typewritten, claiming that his handwriting was untidy and incorrigible. They made plans, both wanted to go to NUS to study together...Girl wanted to study Law or Political Science - he would go to Junior College and later army, and then both would graduate at the same time, and get married, and have two kids after graduating.
Sadly, they lost touch after a year. His phone number was disconnected, the letters sent to his apartment returned, with the note 'No such resident'. It was as if he had disappeared, or simply moved house and forgot about her. Girl was distraught. Having no mutual friends, she could not ask anyone about him. Worse, the Sunday School teacher had left for another church. For some time, she searched for him, jumping at every chance to go out, hoping that she might one day bump into him. She looked in every car, hoping to catch a glimpse of the boy who had stolen her heart. But she never saw him, never knew where he had went.
Years went by and she had forgotten about him. By then, she grew up, and had many male suitors (Haha it's a bit exaggerated this part), and had some short relationships with guys, all with a high calibre, more than worthy to chase her. Subconsciously though, she never forgot her first love, and treated them badly, expecting them to pay for everything and then ending the relationship/s abruptly as she had vowed in the past, not to let another steal her heart. (This one, entirely true.)
More than 10 years went by...while talking idly to a church friend during a bus journey home, she realised he came from the same secondary school and eca(that time it was still called eca) as Boy. So, Girl asked tentatively if this church friend (that she had known for 2 years and never knew his secondary school...) knew Boy. Much to her amazement, he did! What's more, he gave her Boy's handphone number, and waved a cheerful goodbye before reaching his stop.
Girl gave Boy a call, nervously wondering how he would be like. Afterall, it has been 10 over years without seeing him. Would he remember her? As his first love? Amazingly, he did remember her well. They talked about life for a while. Girl realised he had pursued different routes too, choosing poly over JC, and now, almost ORD-ing from army, going to NTU. Girl too, embarked on design disciplines and went to study at LaSalle-SIA. How different life was. And all were inconsequential as they talked about the old times, church things... He was now at CHC. She was now at Trinity. Funny, how they both changed churches but remained christians.
After the phone conversation, Girl realised that there was no perfect ending to this tale. After the phone conversation, she realised Boy had changed, along with all the dear people in her life she knew. From her past memories of how Boy was - a gentle, sensitive soul with impeccable charm and good English, he became a Hokkien spouting, brash person. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was still enlisted. Or maybe, since secondary school, his environment was a tough one. She knew that if she had met him, it would tarnish the lovely memories that she had, of her first love. So Girl decided to never meet him, again. Let their last meeting be during that camp, and that was that.
_______________________________________
If I had believed in romance, I would have tracked him down, somehow, and when we met, it would be... perfect. Perhaps we would be single, and end up together? I have no idea. Maybe one day we will really meet. Singapore is a small place. I wonder how he looks like now, but then again, I have no desire to know. Up till today, I can still remember his old phone number, his full name, his old apartment address. I guess, I have a good memory, but more than that, a redundant memory?! Its strange how I can remember some things and not others... perhaps my memory is selective in the things it wants to remember.
I think some people have never fallen in love, at all, and for them, I wonder how come. Maybe they have not 'met the right one' yet, or they are searching for the unattainable. In my short life, I have sincerely fallen in love twice. The third time I fall in love, I hope it will be a happy ending for me.
Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence
Have to 'give wise counsel' to a cell member, for her and an impending romance. Hence the loveful thoughts. Dampening others' bliss is not my preference, however, in the face of integrity sometimes, the truth hurts. Someone recently asked me this question, If your pastor/SL disapprove of the guy you are romancing now, what is your response? ...I posed it to her: If your cell leader said 'no', what would you do? Actually I know I would never say 'no' ... ultimately, it's your life, it's your choice, in matters of the heart. Just don't think with your ass. (Pastor C. said that, in a mandarin version.) Aiyah, which means you don't think at all, never use your brain before stumbling into a relationship...haha.
________________________________________
The start of the synopsis of the story is similar to any of those touching, weepy Korean dramas, except that it was mine. My own true life story.
Boy meets girl at a church camp, Girl was 10 and Boy 2 years older. Boy was Sunday School teacher's boss' son - comes from a rich family - first time in this church camp. Both liked each other trememndously, and all through the week of the camp, they played a game of 'catch' with each other, just the two of them. They would find opportunities to talk while walking up and down staircases, while waiting for bath time, at meal times... all the while playing with each other. The camp ended, and both went back to their respective homes. But they found themselves thinking about each other, not realising that they had fallen in love for the first time.
Boy called the Girl on the (home) phone, and this started an ongoing conversation and decidedly sweet romance that lasted for about a year. After the camp, they had one group outing, but Girl could not go, and she was devastated that she could not meet him. He too, asked everyone about her during that trip. They exchanged christmas cards that year - His' was typewritten, claiming that his handwriting was untidy and incorrigible. They made plans, both wanted to go to NUS to study together...Girl wanted to study Law or Political Science - he would go to Junior College and later army, and then both would graduate at the same time, and get married, and have two kids after graduating.
Sadly, they lost touch after a year. His phone number was disconnected, the letters sent to his apartment returned, with the note 'No such resident'. It was as if he had disappeared, or simply moved house and forgot about her. Girl was distraught. Having no mutual friends, she could not ask anyone about him. Worse, the Sunday School teacher had left for another church. For some time, she searched for him, jumping at every chance to go out, hoping that she might one day bump into him. She looked in every car, hoping to catch a glimpse of the boy who had stolen her heart. But she never saw him, never knew where he had went.
Years went by and she had forgotten about him. By then, she grew up, and had many male suitors (Haha it's a bit exaggerated this part), and had some short relationships with guys, all with a high calibre, more than worthy to chase her. Subconsciously though, she never forgot her first love, and treated them badly, expecting them to pay for everything and then ending the relationship/s abruptly as she had vowed in the past, not to let another steal her heart. (This one, entirely true.)
More than 10 years went by...while talking idly to a church friend during a bus journey home, she realised he came from the same secondary school and eca(that time it was still called eca) as Boy. So, Girl asked tentatively if this church friend (that she had known for 2 years and never knew his secondary school...) knew Boy. Much to her amazement, he did! What's more, he gave her Boy's handphone number, and waved a cheerful goodbye before reaching his stop.
Girl gave Boy a call, nervously wondering how he would be like. Afterall, it has been 10 over years without seeing him. Would he remember her? As his first love? Amazingly, he did remember her well. They talked about life for a while. Girl realised he had pursued different routes too, choosing poly over JC, and now, almost ORD-ing from army, going to NTU. Girl too, embarked on design disciplines and went to study at LaSalle-SIA. How different life was. And all were inconsequential as they talked about the old times, church things... He was now at CHC. She was now at Trinity. Funny, how they both changed churches but remained christians.
After the phone conversation, Girl realised that there was no perfect ending to this tale. After the phone conversation, she realised Boy had changed, along with all the dear people in her life she knew. From her past memories of how Boy was - a gentle, sensitive soul with impeccable charm and good English, he became a Hokkien spouting, brash person. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was still enlisted. Or maybe, since secondary school, his environment was a tough one. She knew that if she had met him, it would tarnish the lovely memories that she had, of her first love. So Girl decided to never meet him, again. Let their last meeting be during that camp, and that was that.
_______________________________________
If I had believed in romance, I would have tracked him down, somehow, and when we met, it would be... perfect. Perhaps we would be single, and end up together? I have no idea. Maybe one day we will really meet. Singapore is a small place. I wonder how he looks like now, but then again, I have no desire to know. Up till today, I can still remember his old phone number, his full name, his old apartment address. I guess, I have a good memory, but more than that, a redundant memory?! Its strange how I can remember some things and not others... perhaps my memory is selective in the things it wants to remember.
I think some people have never fallen in love, at all, and for them, I wonder how come. Maybe they have not 'met the right one' yet, or they are searching for the unattainable. In my short life, I have sincerely fallen in love twice. The third time I fall in love, I hope it will be a happy ending for me.
Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
A lot to think about
Been reading about saddening things lately. Is it because I'm sad that sad things just look for me? Or that despite my unhappiness I can still feel sad, and even sadder at others' predicaments? Maybe it's just the world that I cannot keep up with - have I been living in my own utopia that I fail to see others' sadness, or even ridicule them for having emotions such as these?
Chanced upon a girl's blog who got pregnant by her then-boyfriend (who is an SAF merit scholar, humpf!) who mercilessly dumped her. It hits so close to home. In another lifetime, I could be her.
It's not fair that the mother has to carry the emotional, social and much of the financial burden of bringing up the child, while the father and his family try to bury this episode, keep it from family and friends and move on with their lives, as though this episode had never happened. I am sure that in 5, maximum 10 years, LX would marry a woman he loves and bring up wanted and happy children, providing them with all the love he can give and fulfill as much of their material wants as possible, while his first child has to bear the social stigma of coming from a single parent family, and unable to enjoy much material wants, because his/her mom can barely feed herself, him/her and her elderly parents.
And, tragically the suicide of a young schoolteacher. She's only 24. She had marital problems, and could not take it. And yes, she was a christian. The school tried to cover it up by saying it was heart failure. Even most of the staff were fooled. But those who suspected and knew about it, had their doubts.
Rest in peace, Ms Leong. You’ve been a good teacher. We will remember you always.
It hits so close to home. She will be replaced, by another teacher. And soon, the memories of her will fade, oblivious, into the distance, replaced by more current thoughts, by the latest exciting new happenings. It is always the ones left to mourn that bear the burden of their memories. Kai still talks about Yen's brother. It's been two years since he jumped from a newly-built condo. Does the time span matter? Is it healthy for him to talk about the memories as if they happened recently? I have no answers. And in view of these serious life and death matters, my small upset-ness seem almost trivial, almost laughable at the seriousness of such a small matter which hopefully will be settled this weekend.
____________________________________________
I am reminded by something that stuck in my mind recently, something about how Jesus sometimes picked out people in the crowd- those unlovely, prostitutes, tax collectors, and on purpose, chose to spend time with them, talk to them. These words have spoken to me so strongly. Last Saturday, after YAS, I saw one of my ex-cell members sitting alone at Adam food centre. He's now in Shiner's cell. Later, I chose to 'forsake' my disciples(current members) and decided to altogether skip dinner and concentrate on talking to him. He's someone that would be ostracised by-and-large; but not by me. I think some would misunderstand my actions, perhaps they would think I'm neglecting my cell, or only interested in talking to guys from Sheepy's section... but I hope that my small action of spending some time talking to him would impact him in a positive light. Hearing his troubles, I had little to say, but I knew he wanted to hear, something from me, something from Shiner that would stop him on the path of self-destruction and disillusionment. Before we left, I said twice, "Theo, you have a destiny in God."
I think Sheepy caught it, he glanced at me in approval when left, even though I was hoping only for approval from God. I'm not Jesus, nor am I trying to be one, but I am reminded by the difference that half-an-hour can make in someone's life. I guess I've really changed - I used to be 'social-butterfly-like', as Uncle Bern would say, fluttering from table to table saying hi. Well I do have many acquaintances. And I was afraid they would view me as unfriendly.
But now, I aim to be more sincere, to find someone to know better, someone's life to speak into, a connection with some people that could never be established with a friendly 'hi'-and-nothing-else-to-say.
Chanced upon a girl's blog who got pregnant by her then-boyfriend (who is an SAF merit scholar, humpf!) who mercilessly dumped her. It hits so close to home. In another lifetime, I could be her.
It's not fair that the mother has to carry the emotional, social and much of the financial burden of bringing up the child, while the father and his family try to bury this episode, keep it from family and friends and move on with their lives, as though this episode had never happened. I am sure that in 5, maximum 10 years, LX would marry a woman he loves and bring up wanted and happy children, providing them with all the love he can give and fulfill as much of their material wants as possible, while his first child has to bear the social stigma of coming from a single parent family, and unable to enjoy much material wants, because his/her mom can barely feed herself, him/her and her elderly parents.
And, tragically the suicide of a young schoolteacher. She's only 24. She had marital problems, and could not take it. And yes, she was a christian. The school tried to cover it up by saying it was heart failure. Even most of the staff were fooled. But those who suspected and knew about it, had their doubts.
Rest in peace, Ms Leong. You’ve been a good teacher. We will remember you always.
It hits so close to home. She will be replaced, by another teacher. And soon, the memories of her will fade, oblivious, into the distance, replaced by more current thoughts, by the latest exciting new happenings. It is always the ones left to mourn that bear the burden of their memories. Kai still talks about Yen's brother. It's been two years since he jumped from a newly-built condo. Does the time span matter? Is it healthy for him to talk about the memories as if they happened recently? I have no answers. And in view of these serious life and death matters, my small upset-ness seem almost trivial, almost laughable at the seriousness of such a small matter which hopefully will be settled this weekend.
____________________________________________
I am reminded by something that stuck in my mind recently, something about how Jesus sometimes picked out people in the crowd- those unlovely, prostitutes, tax collectors, and on purpose, chose to spend time with them, talk to them. These words have spoken to me so strongly. Last Saturday, after YAS, I saw one of my ex-cell members sitting alone at Adam food centre. He's now in Shiner's cell. Later, I chose to 'forsake' my disciples(current members) and decided to altogether skip dinner and concentrate on talking to him. He's someone that would be ostracised by-and-large; but not by me. I think some would misunderstand my actions, perhaps they would think I'm neglecting my cell, or only interested in talking to guys from Sheepy's section... but I hope that my small action of spending some time talking to him would impact him in a positive light. Hearing his troubles, I had little to say, but I knew he wanted to hear, something from me, something from Shiner that would stop him on the path of self-destruction and disillusionment. Before we left, I said twice, "Theo, you have a destiny in God."
I think Sheepy caught it, he glanced at me in approval when left, even though I was hoping only for approval from God. I'm not Jesus, nor am I trying to be one, but I am reminded by the difference that half-an-hour can make in someone's life. I guess I've really changed - I used to be 'social-butterfly-like', as Uncle Bern would say, fluttering from table to table saying hi. Well I do have many acquaintances. And I was afraid they would view me as unfriendly.
But now, I aim to be more sincere, to find someone to know better, someone's life to speak into, a connection with some people that could never be established with a friendly 'hi'-and-nothing-else-to-say.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The feeling of falling asleep crying
The feeling of falling asleep crying and then waking up is just miserable - I don't want to go back to sleep, I don't want to feel so 'down'... Deep inside I don't believe that this friendship can be restored. Perhaps all along I've adopted the escapist mentality "Just pretend everything is alright." And you know too, that it's not. Just waiting to see my initiatives.
So many articles, books, telling me about conflict management, mediations... Now it's my own one... so how? I am clueless, it feels so ridiculous having some wise person sitting in our problems and spouting some wise advice... I'd much rather talk privately... but at the same time, I know it would not resolve anything as he'd still stick to his guns... I wish he didn't, I'd love him more if he was not so chauvinist, so traditional-minded that he has to defend his 'inactions', which is totally his fault, by the way. Even Frankie agrees that he should come out and apologize, sincerely.
I don't think I can choose being close to one and not the other. I don't want to. I'm still upset. Overwhelmingly so. I'm afraid I'd burst into tears at the meeting up, which would not help one single bit, and make him feel somehow guilty... I don't understand my volatile emotions, I don't give serious thoughts to them. I'm just somehow puzzled that I will feel so... And wish for someone to tell me exactly what they mean.
God can you send me a friend who will just understand me, somehow?
Being in this situation makes me realise how helpful it would be to have someone, on my side, who's looking out for me, and will support me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, be practical, wipe away the idiotic tears and let me handle my problems myself. Someone, whom I'm waiting for.
I want to solve this as soon as possible. Crying is tiring... I wonder how those Korean actresses get paid... it's unutterably tiring and does horrors to my eyes.
So many articles, books, telling me about conflict management, mediations... Now it's my own one... so how? I am clueless, it feels so ridiculous having some wise person sitting in our problems and spouting some wise advice... I'd much rather talk privately... but at the same time, I know it would not resolve anything as he'd still stick to his guns... I wish he didn't, I'd love him more if he was not so chauvinist, so traditional-minded that he has to defend his 'inactions', which is totally his fault, by the way. Even Frankie agrees that he should come out and apologize, sincerely.
I don't think I can choose being close to one and not the other. I don't want to. I'm still upset. Overwhelmingly so. I'm afraid I'd burst into tears at the meeting up, which would not help one single bit, and make him feel somehow guilty... I don't understand my volatile emotions, I don't give serious thoughts to them. I'm just somehow puzzled that I will feel so... And wish for someone to tell me exactly what they mean.
God can you send me a friend who will just understand me, somehow?
Being in this situation makes me realise how helpful it would be to have someone, on my side, who's looking out for me, and will support me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, be practical, wipe away the idiotic tears and let me handle my problems myself. Someone, whom I'm waiting for.
I want to solve this as soon as possible. Crying is tiring... I wonder how those Korean actresses get paid... it's unutterably tiring and does horrors to my eyes.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Exasperation time with Travis
Been praying for a chance to 'trash things out' with Travis before it turns into resentment or I stop talking to him altogether... I really couldn't take it if I remained silent and sullen, so unlike me... at the same time I worry whether I'm over reacting or should I just ignore my upset-ness... I don't want my feelings to be validated by his apologies, which I know he will, once I bring the issue up. So I did the wisest thing, after trying for the whole day to grab him into a corner which I can't, really. I called him, and told him straightforwardly, "I'm upset with you." And I couldn't say what about 'cuz there's so many little exasperations and idiosyncracies that just makes me so so frustrated, and trying to explain them makes me even more exasperated that I just said, I only called to tell you I'm upset, that's it... ... which at the point he asked the reasons for my upset-ness so that he could improve himself, but I was really... upset, so I just said that that's it lar, I don't care what you do about it, and I'm not asking for an apology, I just wanted to tell you I'm upset that's all.
I'm not so selfish as to want him to change to make me happy. I don't want him to change for me. I'd rather change myself, adapt to the way he is 'cuz I totally understand his rationale for doing things, just that I don't buy into it, and I would never be insincere in doing things, no matter what... The way we view life is totally different and just talking to him, I can wring his neck... or start yelling... haizzzz... Thing is I care, I care too much... and perhaps both of us have the escapist mentality, trying to be nice, knowing but not really understanding. He's as stubborn as me... I think secretly I admire it, 'cuz I'm really standing my ground too.
In the end (Or perhaps it's the beginning) we decided to have a time to meet to really talk it out. That's quite nice of him, although I'm really really skeptical about how 'open' he is.... he still thinks I'm too sensitive (Although he apologized for saying that) and yes, we used the words 'You always....' and 'It's all your fault' in the short conversation, tsk tsk. And he said he'll pray about it...I mean, I do pray about it too. So much, 'cuz I care.
Actually I felt quite sad that I had to bring it up, but I'm even sadder if this friendship were to disintegrate, that we'd just drift apart because of our unique-and -unfortunately-clashing differences... sorry that I feel like this, but I really really feel like this! URRR! Sniff.
I'm not so selfish as to want him to change to make me happy. I don't want him to change for me. I'd rather change myself, adapt to the way he is 'cuz I totally understand his rationale for doing things, just that I don't buy into it, and I would never be insincere in doing things, no matter what... The way we view life is totally different and just talking to him, I can wring his neck... or start yelling... haizzzz... Thing is I care, I care too much... and perhaps both of us have the escapist mentality, trying to be nice, knowing but not really understanding. He's as stubborn as me... I think secretly I admire it, 'cuz I'm really standing my ground too.
In the end (Or perhaps it's the beginning) we decided to have a time to meet to really talk it out. That's quite nice of him, although I'm really really skeptical about how 'open' he is.... he still thinks I'm too sensitive (Although he apologized for saying that) and yes, we used the words 'You always....' and 'It's all your fault' in the short conversation, tsk tsk. And he said he'll pray about it...I mean, I do pray about it too. So much, 'cuz I care.
Actually I felt quite sad that I had to bring it up, but I'm even sadder if this friendship were to disintegrate, that we'd just drift apart because of our unique-and -unfortunately-clashing differences... sorry that I feel like this, but I really really feel like this! URRR! Sniff.
Thursday, August 11, 2005
In the silences between sentences
::Poem, copyright mine::
Nothing to say
Hiding behind veiled smiles
And polite greetings
And clumsy attempts at initiating warmth
I struggle within
To find the real person
Someone I like
Someone I know
A person who knows me, too.
Needing a chance to let you hear me
A moment for a little conversation
Happiness defined in a single instant
Newfound joy at small pleasures,
And immediate answers.
In the silences between sentences,
I look into the sky
And catch a glimpse of your smile.
It remind me of a hand behind the scenes
It reassures me
That when everything fails,
When there’s nothing else to be said,
I can still hear the words that mean everything.
_______________________________________________
Many times when I'm praying to God I wonder whether my mumblings actually effect anything on earth - most of the things I pray about are those that need long-term visionary skills... However I have prayed about the small things, too, and God has been amazingly good in bringing them to pass instantaneously. I have increased faith, and a smile on my face as He gives over and above the things I've asked for -my wants, my desires. Everything in His time.
Nothing to say
Hiding behind veiled smiles
And polite greetings
And clumsy attempts at initiating warmth
I struggle within
To find the real person
Someone I like
Someone I know
A person who knows me, too.
Needing a chance to let you hear me
A moment for a little conversation
Happiness defined in a single instant
Newfound joy at small pleasures,
And immediate answers.
In the silences between sentences,
I look into the sky
And catch a glimpse of your smile.
It remind me of a hand behind the scenes
It reassures me
That when everything fails,
When there’s nothing else to be said,
I can still hear the words that mean everything.
_______________________________________________
Many times when I'm praying to God I wonder whether my mumblings actually effect anything on earth - most of the things I pray about are those that need long-term visionary skills... However I have prayed about the small things, too, and God has been amazingly good in bringing them to pass instantaneously. I have increased faith, and a smile on my face as He gives over and above the things I've asked for -my wants, my desires. Everything in His time.
Categories: poetry,
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
After one night of an illicit copulation...
Had very, very mixed feelings yesterday.
Mum told me the good/bad? news.
Mitten is a new father.
One month ago, lil bro secretly put Mitten in the ladies' cage. For a night. Found out the next afternoon when I was chirping for them and only Misty came out, then realised that Mitten was not in the cage. Had 5 minutes of paralyzing fear when I thought that he was mauled by Meme. He peeked out of the ladies' cage... And all was well.
Didn't know Mitten was... ummm, sexually mature yet. He's soooo small, it's like a teenage pregnancy/birth and as a single mother of sorts, I feel slightly guilty. I should have taught him better, educated him about abstinence and ... consequences of copulating. At the same time, I'm really proud of the kiddo 'cuz the lady produced 6 hamlets - actually 7, one was a stillbirth. 6 small, red squirming hamlets (hamsterlets? hamsterlings? urh.) Hope they look like the father 'cuz he's so handsome... Ah... Asked Shiner if he wanted some in his hall, he gave me a half shocked, half disgusted look and giggled and said it was too troublesome. Was still reeling from the shock last evening after I got home from Adam but now, I guess I look forward to watching them grow up from small, furless, red, peanut-sized, hamlets.
Mum told me the good/bad? news.
Mitten is a new father.
One month ago, lil bro secretly put Mitten in the ladies' cage. For a night. Found out the next afternoon when I was chirping for them and only Misty came out, then realised that Mitten was not in the cage. Had 5 minutes of paralyzing fear when I thought that he was mauled by Meme. He peeked out of the ladies' cage... And all was well.
Didn't know Mitten was... ummm, sexually mature yet. He's soooo small, it's like a teenage pregnancy/birth and as a single mother of sorts, I feel slightly guilty. I should have taught him better, educated him about abstinence and ... consequences of copulating. At the same time, I'm really proud of the kiddo 'cuz the lady produced 6 hamlets - actually 7, one was a stillbirth. 6 small, red squirming hamlets (hamsterlets? hamsterlings? urh.) Hope they look like the father 'cuz he's so handsome... Ah... Asked Shiner if he wanted some in his hall, he gave me a half shocked, half disgusted look and giggled and said it was too troublesome. Was still reeling from the shock last evening after I got home from Adam but now, I guess I look forward to watching them grow up from small, furless, red, peanut-sized, hamlets.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Something else to occupy my mind
When God speaks, He speaks.
And I'm not a terrific listener so He'd have to repeat the message again; over and over, until I get it.
Mmmm.
I've realised that I'm always occupied with something - mentally, I have to keep my mind running on numerous deep thoughts; on the road, I have to plug in music and drift away half of my senses on the sounds. There's not really a moment of silence, a moment of peace. And I pray, but I realise too that I've been investing too much of my prayers into other preoccupations rather than my ministry. Nothing wrong with that, but they are not my priorities right now. I shall challenege myself to pray like 70% (if it can be quantified) for cell and members, and maybe the rest on my personal prayer needs. I'm still unquenchably happy, this is just an area which I feel God is moving me to improve on for now.
Also, He spoke to me, about the 'abandonment of my preoccupations'. It's tough, this one. Told my prayer buddy yesterday - to pray over this area for the next two weeks or so.
_________________________
FOP was great, I was overwhelmed at the fact that there were 13,000 of us worshipping God together at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Yes, it was crowded, hot and stuffy, there was pushing and cutting queue...some of my friends couldn't get in... but, the presence of God was there from the first song.
And I'm not a terrific listener so He'd have to repeat the message again; over and over, until I get it.
Mmmm.
I've realised that I'm always occupied with something - mentally, I have to keep my mind running on numerous deep thoughts; on the road, I have to plug in music and drift away half of my senses on the sounds. There's not really a moment of silence, a moment of peace. And I pray, but I realise too that I've been investing too much of my prayers into other preoccupations rather than my ministry. Nothing wrong with that, but they are not my priorities right now. I shall challenege myself to pray like 70% (if it can be quantified) for cell and members, and maybe the rest on my personal prayer needs. I'm still unquenchably happy, this is just an area which I feel God is moving me to improve on for now.
Also, He spoke to me, about the 'abandonment of my preoccupations'. It's tough, this one. Told my prayer buddy yesterday - to pray over this area for the next two weeks or so.
_________________________
FOP was great, I was overwhelmed at the fact that there were 13,000 of us worshipping God together at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Yes, it was crowded, hot and stuffy, there was pushing and cutting queue...some of my friends couldn't get in... but, the presence of God was there from the first song.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Ulp?
Ulp.
Still have many many many things to do for 'Knowing Me, Knowing You." Help! Aye I'd better get some people to help me out here... On saturday, see who's free to do some banner- and sign- making. Mailbox surprisngly full cuz I received over 10 emails with the red '!' sign, which probably means that it's important for me to ACT UPON... Hahaha by tuesday anyways. Hope my monday is a loooong one.
My biscuits are finishing. The rainy weather makes me hungry... Very hungry. Well, they lasted quite long... thinking of bringing some cookies to share with the famished in the FOP queue tomorrow. Or perhaps I'd just distribute muesli bars. I have an inner raving hillsong fanatic. But I guess I'd just queue quietly. Should be optimistic, maybe there isn't even a queue, and miraculously we can all get to sit together!
Realised something today, that if I click on the green 'start' button on my desktop (computer la), and go to 'all programs', go to 'accessories', go to 'system tools', there is a scroll list where, amongst the many commands, I can select "Character Map"... and once clicked, a list of black and white symbols beckon, some familiar, some looking like nondescript squiggles, indistinguishable from the next squiggle... Was thinking, how great it would be if all of us were like computers - I mean, this part where we can just click on 'Character Map', and then the 'answer' just pops up and we can view each other's characters, instead of taking a whole lifetime to discover it, to discover our own. Maybe I'd choose to 'hide' mine, there are so many people outr there with a better 'character map' than mine - I'm increasingly sarcastic and think evil thoughts at times, accompanied with the evil laughter. Wouldn't say I'm selfish, but I should criticise less and encourage more. Flipped through 'Boundaries in Dating', it told me that it's 'not advisable' to date liars. Well, of course. Then they noted down some lying thoughts I'm guilty of - about being with someone in the past, about the past, about things that happened... goes on to say that there are two kinds of liars, one is those 'no hope liao', despicably self centred types, the other is one that has a heart but needs some character improvement, probably 'cuz they haven't had any good role models or not mature in this area. And I was thinking, aye, that's me. And I suffer, for being so analytical, too analytical of myself.
Still have many many many things to do for 'Knowing Me, Knowing You." Help! Aye I'd better get some people to help me out here... On saturday, see who's free to do some banner- and sign- making. Mailbox surprisngly full cuz I received over 10 emails with the red '!' sign, which probably means that it's important for me to ACT UPON... Hahaha by tuesday anyways. Hope my monday is a loooong one.
My biscuits are finishing. The rainy weather makes me hungry... Very hungry. Well, they lasted quite long... thinking of bringing some cookies to share with the famished in the FOP queue tomorrow. Or perhaps I'd just distribute muesli bars. I have an inner raving hillsong fanatic. But I guess I'd just queue quietly. Should be optimistic, maybe there isn't even a queue, and miraculously we can all get to sit together!
Realised something today, that if I click on the green 'start' button on my desktop (computer la), and go to 'all programs', go to 'accessories', go to 'system tools', there is a scroll list where, amongst the many commands, I can select "Character Map"... and once clicked, a list of black and white symbols beckon, some familiar, some looking like nondescript squiggles, indistinguishable from the next squiggle... Was thinking, how great it would be if all of us were like computers - I mean, this part where we can just click on 'Character Map', and then the 'answer' just pops up and we can view each other's characters, instead of taking a whole lifetime to discover it, to discover our own. Maybe I'd choose to 'hide' mine, there are so many people outr there with a better 'character map' than mine - I'm increasingly sarcastic and think evil thoughts at times, accompanied with the evil laughter. Wouldn't say I'm selfish, but I should criticise less and encourage more. Flipped through 'Boundaries in Dating', it told me that it's 'not advisable' to date liars. Well, of course. Then they noted down some lying thoughts I'm guilty of - about being with someone in the past, about the past, about things that happened... goes on to say that there are two kinds of liars, one is those 'no hope liao', despicably self centred types, the other is one that has a heart but needs some character improvement, probably 'cuz they haven't had any good role models or not mature in this area. And I was thinking, aye, that's me. And I suffer, for being so analytical, too analytical of myself.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Ultimate Prayer Generator
As long as there is faith, we should never doubt the power of prayer. Even in the little insignificant things that you think don't really matter to God or to anyone else.
Power Weekend - just over with a wonderful ministry by Rev Che Ahn; "Crossing Over to the Other Side" - served at the altar, such a privilege to see up close the healings and salvations. My cell member happily reported to me that on Sunday, her mother's back pain (due to work conditions) was miraculously gone. Her mother also knew that it was the work of God, as Fifi shared with her about Power Weekend. I rejoice along with her, it is all the more meaningful to me as we prayed together about it during cell last tuesday. It became a personal victory for me, too! Fifi has herself undergone trials of faith, being diagnosed with thyroidism a few years back. Just seeing her faith level rising because of God's gracious answer sends me into bursts of joy.
Was just thinking how nice it would be if there is some sort of user-friendly device where we can input our secret prayer requests and there would be a team praying constantly, round-the-clock for every lil request. Sheepy shared that he had his core group guys to cover him in prayer every day of the week - one guy taking one day. Quite an ingenious idea, but I told him that those who are committed to praying for me has to have a greater discipline - they must pray for me, everyday. Hoho. I could do with a few more though, realised that sometimes I don't share enough of my prayer requests, as a result they take a longer time to see fulfilment. So, Rachel's potential prayer buddy, pls sign up here... ...
Even though God has answered many of my personal prayer requests, I recently wondered whether some of my prayers were futile. Last year while in Alpha Track, I prayed everyday for three months, for Kenny - He was a new believer who became a companion of sorts. And he seemed to flourish, attended prayer meetings and such regularly. Even shared that he took one hour to read the Bible daily - something which even I cannot do. However, he took a sudden turn into disappearing and once he was gone, I thought that he would never come back. His priorities was not with God. My faith faltered a bit, and even though I would sms him periodically about church, I never prayed for him after that. Perhaps I felt it was a waste of time. Perhaps I was just too disappointed, having invested too much time and energy. It's harder to see personal friends backsliding, more so than cell members, for me.
But a year later, exactly last week, he came; for the first time in a year, to the 5pm service.
God works miracles, indeed. When I saw him, it was as if God was chiding me, that although I could not see the physical fulfilment of SOME of my prayers now, being faithful in intercession is something I cannot give up.
Made it a point that when I said to people "I'll keep you in prayer", I really will remember to write it down and pray. (But they also never feedback to me whether the prayer is answered or not, perhaps I need to ask them again.)
And personally, I'm still believing for many many things.
For my friends who are overseas, that God will sustain them.
For my friends who are wanting to be attached, and then married, (that they will stop pressurizing me into it too! Haha!)that they will find God's best to settle down with them, soon.
For people that need healing from their sickness.
For my backslidden friends... hopefully they will commit themselves to a Trinity cell again.
For myself, all I want is to be happy, to be a good cell leader, to fulfil my destiny... and a thousand other small requests...
Power Weekend - just over with a wonderful ministry by Rev Che Ahn; "Crossing Over to the Other Side" - served at the altar, such a privilege to see up close the healings and salvations. My cell member happily reported to me that on Sunday, her mother's back pain (due to work conditions) was miraculously gone. Her mother also knew that it was the work of God, as Fifi shared with her about Power Weekend. I rejoice along with her, it is all the more meaningful to me as we prayed together about it during cell last tuesday. It became a personal victory for me, too! Fifi has herself undergone trials of faith, being diagnosed with thyroidism a few years back. Just seeing her faith level rising because of God's gracious answer sends me into bursts of joy.
Was just thinking how nice it would be if there is some sort of user-friendly device where we can input our secret prayer requests and there would be a team praying constantly, round-the-clock for every lil request. Sheepy shared that he had his core group guys to cover him in prayer every day of the week - one guy taking one day. Quite an ingenious idea, but I told him that those who are committed to praying for me has to have a greater discipline - they must pray for me, everyday. Hoho. I could do with a few more though, realised that sometimes I don't share enough of my prayer requests, as a result they take a longer time to see fulfilment. So, Rachel's potential prayer buddy, pls sign up here... ...
Even though God has answered many of my personal prayer requests, I recently wondered whether some of my prayers were futile. Last year while in Alpha Track, I prayed everyday for three months, for Kenny - He was a new believer who became a companion of sorts. And he seemed to flourish, attended prayer meetings and such regularly. Even shared that he took one hour to read the Bible daily - something which even I cannot do. However, he took a sudden turn into disappearing and once he was gone, I thought that he would never come back. His priorities was not with God. My faith faltered a bit, and even though I would sms him periodically about church, I never prayed for him after that. Perhaps I felt it was a waste of time. Perhaps I was just too disappointed, having invested too much time and energy. It's harder to see personal friends backsliding, more so than cell members, for me.
But a year later, exactly last week, he came; for the first time in a year, to the 5pm service.
God works miracles, indeed. When I saw him, it was as if God was chiding me, that although I could not see the physical fulfilment of SOME of my prayers now, being faithful in intercession is something I cannot give up.
Made it a point that when I said to people "I'll keep you in prayer", I really will remember to write it down and pray. (But they also never feedback to me whether the prayer is answered or not, perhaps I need to ask them again.)
And personally, I'm still believing for many many things.
For my friends who are overseas, that God will sustain them.
For my friends who are wanting to be attached, and then married, (that they will stop pressurizing me into it too! Haha!)that they will find God's best to settle down with them, soon.
For people that need healing from their sickness.
For my backslidden friends... hopefully they will commit themselves to a Trinity cell again.
For myself, all I want is to be happy, to be a good cell leader, to fulfil my destiny... and a thousand other small requests...
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