wednesday

Like chinchillas, spiritedly wants to climb onto a platform and snooze till it's suppertime.

I'm not really used to working hard for a full day for some time, so these few days have been trying for me. I am so sleepy now that I could hang on to anywhere and knock out, but I am trying to keep my eyes open, and my brains alert for a presentation later. Seem to be quite stressed or frustrated at work recently, I think it's because I know I am not experienced enough, and the lack of know-how in certain areas irks me. I'm wanting to make as least mistakes as possible, and proper handling of time is something I'm not very adept at, yet.

Mr Tall, my new colleague-friend, is someone I suddenly realise fills up the silence at work sometimes that is peppered now with meaningful conversations - at least, it is meaningful to me. He has this natural charm (why do all my guy friends have the natural charm???) and comes across as someone cheerful and helpful, good-natured and a bit crazy at times.

Mr Tall reminds me of some friends I care about... sort of like an amalgamation of Grasshopper but not so 'go-getting', it's what Grasshopper would be like if he did not own his own biz and went on a peaceful holiday - and also somehow like Travis, someone who smiles at me benevolently as though indulging a small child on one of her imaginative rants. I like the feeling of talking to Mr Tall!

I do read people well, and I'm glad that I've found a nice person at work to share some parts of my day with. It's strange how with some people, you want to know them better, because they seem fascinating to you... not just fascination alone, but it's the look in their eyes, a certain type of look that sort of 'cliques' with you and you know that before you even know them, you feel comfortable already. For me and clone, I had that fascination too.

It's fun living day by day and trying to make some peace and semblance out of the daily chaos we call worklife. For today, and everyday, though tired, sleepy and frustrated, I try to find something nice in a day.

thoughtful people

Made a new friend today. =)
Showed someone relentless belief today. =)
Wrote CNY cards to clients... ...

God is so good to me, I think He knows that I need a friend everywhere I go. I used to have a nice colleague who was nice to me like a big bro, driving me to places, talking about life experiences and using my golf clubs... but he has changed jobs and is now at this bank, so I do miss the long kopi breaks chatting relaxedly about life. Today I made a friend at The Office. He reminds me of someone I love very much, and is a well-brought up kind of person, the angmoh but innocent type, very much like me. Anyways, we couldn't stop talking during the morning boring meeting, and after, during lunch too. Seems like I've found a chattering buddy of sorts. =) yay! It's nice to have good company, and today he poked fun at me by standing in my way intentionally, so sooner or later I'm going to have to make violent bodily threats... lol. In the midst of all that is happening, I'm glad I made a new friend today.

A 'ghost from the past' called me yesterday. We had a fling of sorts - I say fling because I'm not proud of it and at least on my side, we weren't serious. But I've long ago forgotten about it -or rather, remembering it does not cause me any distress save the embarassment that I once wrote rather silly, girlish things about our infatuation.

The 'ghost from the past' called me and apologized for his misdeeds, or for the promises he failed to fulfil to me. I was upset - although I remembered him and the way it was in a bad light, the thing that upset me most was that the past - the past with me in it somehow affecting his being, was something he could not walk out of. Maybe it's easier for me to walk away and forget, I do not know. But I was affected that somehow, I still had the 'power' to affect his present. The episode happened almost 3 years ago, and honestly, I didn't care about him that much, not at all.

I have some friends whom I've loved deeply, but they always appear sad. Maybe it's something that happened years ago that they can't get over.

For 'the ghost', I told him 'no worries' and that I don't blame him or anyone for anything that happened then. We were all young, and wild... ... =P not so wild, la...

I wanted him to be happy too, the way I was. I've tried hard never to let myself be bothered by all the things that had happened, I try my best to remain cheerful inspite of the things that happened. I still have eyes to see the beauty of God's creation, of the snow in Japan, I feel that I am in such a privileged position.

As all churches in sg are saying, new year, new beginnings. I really feel that this is a year of new beginnings for me; and it's never too late to begin.

japan trip

Japan! One of the places I've always wanted to visit...




Departed for Japan from t3!!!! Was really excited to go from there and explore the shops and bask in the architecture. Although I have to say that, t2 is still slightly better in terms of service. On the way back our luggage took a really long time to come out, so long that the captains also came out and waited alongside us, haha...







Was really really really cold there at the foot of Mt Fuji. 2 degrees. Was told we were lucky that we had so much snow though! Well, saw snow for the first time falling throughout the day, I consider myself blessed to experience this natural wonder of God's creation. =) It's just so beautiful, the view outside the window is like a postcard, and there's the Mt Fuji in the background, although the snowfall blanketed the whole atmosphere, we didn't really SEE Mt Fuji. Gives me an excuse to go there again, maybe during sakura season?





The 3rd statue of Liberty, as mentioned in National Treasure 3 movie.



Went to Tokyo after a night at the Lake Kawaguchi tatami style hotel.
Pleasantly surprised to see that it was snowing in the morning from the hotel room window! It seldom snows in Tokyo so the folk there were happy too, playing with the snow and loving it. Made it too cold though, around 4 degrees. The next day was 8 degrees, no snow no rain, which was really pleasant weather, I did like that temperature. So we could explore the city a little better on the last day, all the interesting small shops around the Ikekuburo Station where the hotel - Metropolitan was situated at.



The last sunset at Narita Airport. Boo hoo.

Some Japan buys...

Pink nail polish, the rings - love it, going to wear them all the time... and a tarepanda...The nail polish costs about sg$8, its considered cheap for me as those in cosmetic stores here cost $20plus? heh...


Have too many postcards and lack of photo frames (ikea stopped selling the black frame ones which I like!) so I bought this (right hand side) from a shop called Tokyu Hands, can roam there for hours they sell everything! Yay! now can insert 10 postcards! It's hanging behind my room door now, a nice reminder of the trip.


The most expensive thing I bought... heh. Saw it earlier but waited till the last day of the trip to buy it! Their local brand I think, a nice bisque-colored clutch with the charm... the charm is actually quite expensive but without it the bag looks kind of blah. So had to buy them together. Total cost $70 plus...mmm I do like it very much. Also bought some presents, Sheepy and Kie's birthdays and a uniqlo reversible belt for Zero. And some makeup for Fang and Yibs... Heh.

friends.

Trying to stay positive...

Sometimes I meet really discouraging people. Which gets me down a little.
I don't take what they say personally but am saddened at the way they think people are against them, and because of their fears, take it out on others, or say things in an insinuating way. Oh well. I guess these people in my life makes me cherish the ones that are positive and cheerful.

Learning more about different sorts of people also helps us to be successful in life because of our higher level of understanding, this prevents miscommunication.

For those discouraging people, I feel sad for them because they just blame others for their ineffectiveness and think they are right. And they think people are saying bad things about them because all the people around them are gossiping. (If we keep talking positively about guy A to girl B, is it considered gossiping as well?) But they are unaware that all these are caused precisely by their actions. I was 'blamed', in a way for 'negatively influencing' certain people in our community about the flaws of a certain leader. In the first place, if your leadership is plagued with such, past and present, then I think the problem lies with yourself. Somehow the corporate environment has less of such woes - primarily because people are more focused about more important things like making ends meet, than on self-glorification. And if the majority of people think in a certain way about you after they have worked with you, then I think that they are right in a sense. No matter how you try to rationalise your actions, they have already formed their opinion about you. Cruel but true. And I am not the one to propogate this emotion because I've always believed that people are generally good and want to help you, not out to get you.

I realised that only when I stepped down that I am so well-liked by people, and touched at their concern and support for me. Friendship is a gift, and being in the same community does not necessarily means that we are friends. I am starting to realise how important this is to me. Even though we do not have the luxury of time to meet up every week, we can still 'be there' for someone who needs us. Maybe the 'need' is because... we need them to be there for us, too.

Being wealthy is not just about having lots of positive cashflow, if you have lots of money but constantly sick, and no good relationships, are you considered wealthy? I think the love of others - and the knowledge of the love of others around you is what helps you survive, today. And the calibre of people you surround yourself with makes you a better person. (That's not why I surround myself with rich handsome guys....lol. joke.)

The world makes more sense when you begin to understand the people in it.
But to understand the people, we have to understand ourselves first, and the way our mind works, the kind of thoughts we think daily, etc...

If someone were to ask "To whom am I accountable to?" My answer would be #1: God... #2... myself! Isn't it so? Many things in life we do for the sake of someone else - if not, my boss will be angry at me... if not, my leaders will find fault with me, or my friends will be appalled. But I think you must understand yourself first, and it's an exciting journey.

Trying to be positive is not so hard once you focus on God not man.

Smile for me.

Musing.

If you could choose, would you choose to hear from God everyday, or not at all?
Which is more scary, I ask?

For people like me, it's easy. It's easy to trust in God when He answers you, and mostly, instantaneously. Even the type of cabs I ask for, He provides. Just like that. Like magic.

So I have a childlike faith. Because God speaks to me all the time. Not just a still small voice or through the Bible. He speaks. We have conversations. Sometimes He winks at me. Almost everyday I wake up (or I go to bed, that is more often the case) with a song in my heart. And I will hum it together with Him. Sometimes there are many different songs in a day. I don't need to think about it. It just comes.

And He always speaks to me. Every day. I feel close to God.

So I was saddened when I knew, from God that my dear friend who is struggling with depressive feelings the way I was last year, never heard a word. For two years at least (That is what God told me.) And I felt so sad. It's really hard to have faith when you don't even see the hand of God in your life. I cried a little wondering if that had happened to me, would I still be around today? And I began to feel a little sympathy for those complaining people. Maybe they are so sad inside because they have waited too long on the Lord. OR they have never heard a thing.

I guess there are reasons why God speaks or doesn't.
But for now maybe the "what" is more important than the "why".

I've promised God not to ask for any more affirmations about The Best One if He answers my last affirmation.
And He did answer!
But I still doubt.
Sometimes, I lack faith.
I now pray everyday, "Show him!" As if by willing it to happen, it will.
Thank you God.

"Spirituality" wrongly understood or pursued is a major source of human misery and rebellion against God. -Dallas Willard.

Yay!
Started on my new John Ortberg book "The Life You've Always Wanted - spiritual disciplines for ordinary people". It will definitely help me in growing in a new season.

Was glad Zero joined us for Watchnight, his presence really helps me in an intangible way, just by playfully teasing each other, it helps me to take my mind off the depressing stuff. Right now I try not to think about it but sometimes it gets to me, the vindictive thoughts. Did I pray for a stronger character? This definitely helps to shape mine... haha. But am glad for Zero's presence. In these uncertainties his all-too familiar voice (we do spend hours singing to God) seems like an unshakeable hope, something my weary and frightened soul can cling on to.

But it seems that other people have seen our closeness and associate it with a romantic allusion.

Seems like that's the inevitable curse for being super-cute. (Him, not me.)

Actually, such thinkings/gossipings do get me perturbed initially. I mean, we are of marriageable age but the first instance Zero came to church, he is asked about his alliance with me, as though, we have announced that we are in a relationship, or worse, an underground one.

But I don't mind being associated with him. Of course our friends joke about it! But it seems disturbing that people who hardly know us also assume so, and just in one night. Then again, maybe this is a taste for me, of being 'high-profile' in church again. After keeping a low one for 2 years. I don't really like it. You have to have a 'face' to people and I feel so self-concious in all I do, even my behavior in the toilet... ... it's a hard task to face being 'super-cute' and having to deal with the attention of young and nubile lassies and immature people who say what they say without even thinking of whether that is christian-like, or even hurtful...

That is why I care about Zero.

And maybe this is a way for me to learn how to communicate with people, as I'd eventually attain a certain amount of 'high-profileness' in my job, and also, deal with many different sorts of people. An interesting answer to prayer.

I like the way this friendship turns out to be.
So thank you God for putting Zero in my life.