Ready to be brave

"When you have a lot of love for God,
Fear goes out of the window."

-Pastor Dominic Yeo

What is God trying to tell me about fear? It cannot be a mere coincidence that stuff concerning this issue abruptly 'pops up' and lingers on. But nah. I'm not one to fear much, if at all.
Like spearmint gum, leaving an ambiguous aftertaste, probably this is what I need to know. Although currently I'm more perturbed about other things, like:

1.Why do I let certain things happen even though I already know the outcome?

2.Why do I (feel that I have to) put on a facade to hide what I really feel...

3.Why do I internalize what is important to me instead of releasing it?

I'm not psychic. I'm not stupid. And I'm not a sadist. Perhaps I did not think enough. Perhaps I think too much. All I can say is that i'm PEK CHEK!!! Hopefully I will be brave enough to do that which I've long put off. Sam was right, in more ways than one... to think that I just laughed away his insightful remarks. Now, I bear the brunt of it. I was heedless to his 'pep talks' and now I find myself hungering for it.

Sorry Sam, on my part I have been giving excuses; maybe I was not ready to be brave then, maybe I was insecure, maybe I was ashamed of my thoughts. But deep down I know you are right and I hope I have the character enough to take on the challenge.

Now I need the courage to stand alone, and perhaps I will meet fear then.

Moving forward

"Remember, courage is not the absence of fear.
Courage is moving forward in the face of fear."

-Henry Cloud.

Something to muse about

Now that Dad is gone Mum SMSes me almost everyday.

This feels really weird, coming from a parent who, many years ago, did not even bother to take down my pager no. until 2 years later, who let me wear bikinis when I was 10... who lets me choose my own boyfriends in secondary school, not bother about my travel companions; and can tell me my best friend is soooo handsome... (Suddenly I'm reminded of the scene they keep showing in the OC but nooooo Mum's not meaning he's cute in that manner, mind.) In short, Mum/Dad gives me more freedom than your average Singaporean gal. It's just strange, and I am compelled to spend more time at home... which is fruitlessly spent watching the new swim show (don't I just love Fiona & Toro...) Perhaps its my fertile imagination or do I detect a unbecoming forlorness in the 'tone' of the SMSes...

The movie review in life! today for "Before Sunset" moved me pretty much. It's a story about intellectuals falling in love - the couple talk their way to engaging (their minds) with each other...sadly they only meet up 9 years later which is the jaded premise of this movie. Something to muse about. I. Must. Go. See. If this is the only romantic movie I watch this year, so be it.

No solace in the discourse of a regressed mind

Sometimes certain phrases stay stuck in my mind.

Like having a song irritatingly go 'round and round in the head, this phrase makes me shift around uncomfortably as it brings to the forefront of my mind certain things that should have stayed the way they were.

Honesty is important in any relationship.

How transparent am I to the ones I love if I share only certain facets of my life and bury some facets of my thoughts and emotions that are significant to me; just that I would rather not share them now? I am not insulting the intelligence of my friends, I feel that it is of the utmost importance to share the right things at the right time. Not being enigmatic, I want some people to realize that they can think for themselves, and to independently pursue their own happiness without outside influence. I fear that I, too, may be fickle; and if I commit to something that is destined to be temporal I would rather lose my senses.

Honesty is important in any relationship.

Someone I once loved innocently said a half-truth to shield me, and possibly, himself from further repercussions of actions we were both responsible for. It was unnecessary, but he was misguided and I believe he had his reasons for doing so. I felt so guilty though, for holding back the whole truth...(how could I face up to it?) and despite many assurances, I know that some things are not meant to last, and instances like this make me all the more sure. Later on, I found out unintentionally, from a mutual friend, that he has also done likewise to me. It was not done with malicious intent, but in such a gentle way that I just could not be cynical nor fault him for seeming to care; even though he did not.

Honesty is important in any relationship.

Certain life experiences have made me realise that what I tend to say with conviction at certain point of times in my life, I later retract and sing a new tune. In this sense, I am being true to myself, albeit selfishly. Perhaps this adds to my fear of commitment. Was discussing over msn with Anth about how changes affect us and the people we love. If the changes are good of course everyone is happy. Right? But for me, what if the changes are good, but I am still unhappy? As in, I was happy with what I had before, so these changes are unnecessary and useless to me. Anth said that we should wisely invest in the right people then. With a discerning mind.





Is there a possibility for something called a positive regression?

I am going back to the way I was, one year ago. Not only in superficial terms, but I am also hanging out more with Giffy again, the way it was previously. In this nascent state our relationship hangs on a thin spiderweb thread so precariously, yet being in his presence I find solace in the simple activites we share.

Also I am coming to terms with the 'wild' side I have; one which I was unable to embrace before. Due to the impeccable standards I had to live up to if I chose to serve in the capacity of a leader both in worship and ministry, I had to 'tone down', and look more like one of the other carbon-copies of this church-going campus generation. Love limits liberty, I was told. Now, I am more at peace with what I am, as this is really who I want to be. For now. =)

stress

worship 2

worship 1

degree outfit 1 side view

degree outfit 2 side view

degree outfit 2 - top and skirt womenswear

degree outfit 1 - dress womenswear

No camels spotted at the Suez Canal

Ches' ship is heading for Europe now, after passing through Egypt via the Suez Canal. The straightforward way he describes the place and his experiences is so natural, so vivid that when I read the sentence he wrote: "no camels spotted", for that brief instance I could just imagine I saw a glimpse of the Suez from onboard the ship, two sandy strips of land side-by-side, with sparse vegetation. My mind ponders on the similarly insipid lives we have led for the past 3 years as tertiary students and what a whole new world it is for us now. Has it only been 5 months since I graduated? School to me seems like an unfamiliar and distant place now... Although I do want to continually improve my intelligence and employability, going back to study seems so out-of-place.

It's so strange that being in the same ministry for 3 years we never said as much as a polite 'Hi, how are you?' and left it at that, yet through email we could just share so much.

I am looking forward to meeting my dear friend again; in January hopefully, across the border... I wish to encourage him as I can imagine how lonesome it must be, only 21 and sailing in the open seas... He has to be strong, for himself, and to be so independent to survive, without a support group of cell or church. That's one of the things I admire about Ches, as he humbly shares his struggles in doing his daily devotions, I feel so much more encouraged to make my walk with God stronger... compared to him, I have so much more support.

He, alone, has to take full ownership of his spiritual condition.



Dad's gone to Sabah to work for an indefinite period of time, I wish I could have gone too. Really close to Dad, he allows me to be who I am and I do have a sneaky suspicion that he's so proud that I'm very like him. It's strange to email Dad like a friend, and have him email things like, ' you are always in my mind, I love you so much', mushy stuff that makes me cringe so. I do miss him though, besides the financial services, transportation and entertainment provided, my noisy house seems a bit quietened down without his presence

Me, voyeur...or, why do all the office girls look the same...

Have picked up a new habit after working nearly 6 weeks at my job. It's called 'reading in the train'. Quite self-explanatory I guess! I tend to get so bored with the silence that I'm considering getting an MP3 player to accompany my newfound hobby...

I discovered that reading while standing up helps me to 'digest' better too, perhaps my brain is more active in the morning (yea...) or it just works better upright. Hum.

Voyeuristic habits aside, almost everyone reads on the morning train nowadays... I've spotted paperbacks, the ever popular free newspapers, bibles, training manuals... ... and the numbero uno, most popular book I've spotted ...*drumroll*, Amazingly, it's still the *standing ovation* ... The Purpose Driven Life! Yes! It's true! A short poll conducted by Rachelmedia has found out that The Purpose Driven Life is the best-read book on the North-South train line. Everyone, everyone, everyone is reading this book... Makes me want to read mine all over again. =) It's so incredible, I spotted 2 today morning and if my name was Rick Warren I would be so so thrilled that increasingly in Singapore, people are leading more fufilling lives... thumbs up for the most engaging read on the train!

Its a peculiar fact that some books sell well but are not read (Incidentally, the Holy bible is a bestseller worldwide... can't say that I've read ALL the bibles I've purchased tho'!)... But hey, living proof that The Purpose Driven Life is well-read... just makes my day 'cuz I'm a fan of the book, too...

I'm glad for this chance at observing human nature/behavior. The learning curve is high when the application of this knowledge is imperative to me growing in my character and behavioral patterns. However, this leads to me being, at times, highly critical of other's actions and natural instincts. If I was more empowered I'd just feel like hollering at some(most) of the inconsiderate people...the 'ugly singaporeans'... overbearing at times, I can be thankful that I'm not like them (hopefully), at least...


So as to why all the office girls look the same, well, I haven't found an answer to that yet. But I'm sure I will, soon. =)

Repercussions of an action

I've bought a digicam over yahoo auctions, woo... It will come by SingPost next week! I can't wait to see my new toy, hope it works well and everything. Since I have a bit of free time now I shall brush up my photography.

I'm in touch with my feelings today, and my feelings tell me I'm slightly frustrated, despite my usual sanguine outlook on life. I think its due to my daily observation of human nature.

If all of us had the foresight to see how our small small actions affect and impact others around us some way, maybe the world would be a better place, and we would not have to analyse ourselves and the system on which our worldviews are based on. Every single person out there carries some baggage, be it a small clutch bag or a super-sized luggage carrier, and the past often gets intertwined with our present.

I've set myself a task of reading some other books besides my beloved NLT Bible (it's lonely, it needs friends)... and since I'm such a picky buyer of books, I've been going around borrowing from my kindly friends who buy books but don't read them. Well, the books look good in my house. The title of the book I'm reading now is 'God Will Make A Way', with the subtitle : 'What to do when you don't know what to do'. Now, usually I would not pick up such books, much less purchase them or read them. I'm one of those rare, self-assured, confident individuals who always knows what she wants to do in life. Yea!

My reservations notwithstanding, the book turned out to be quite a page-turner. The thing that stopped me in my tracks (while I was reading it on the MRT in the morning) was a simple sentence that urged my to examine my ways of dealing with relationships that might be tying me to my past. Hmmm. I thought a long time on that! It will take me days to come up with a conclusion on that, though. Once again, food for thought. I do hope I'm not just accumulating knowledge, I do want to be a wise, old one... =)

The repercussions of an action suddenly became so real to me as I realised 2 days ago that my previous cell member is now in a detention centre for smoking marijuana. I'm just saddened by the horrid reality of it all.

rough idea
24th Alpha Track

Withdrawal Symptoms

Noticed I tend to get into one of my introspective moods for prolonged periods of time. Yea, for the past 3 weeks or so, I have been in this state. Like I'm in a different world on a different planet. Somehow because of it (the introspective state), I become withdrawn (not antisocial, I still have so many social activities), but just stop sharing as much. Not quite sure how to share, even, maybe 'cuz I don't know what really matters. In spite of my many trustworthy friends, I still only feel totally comfortable sharing everything with Giffy.

Or, it's somewhat like a 'coming-of-age' thing. I know that my life is 'in transition' now, after having a seamless time of studying, now I have to comtemplate on what I really want to have/be/do in life, or, at least for the next few years. Which begs the question: Do I really know what I really want? Mingwei asked me this before, pertaining to an issue I was content to let stay unresolved... I replied ardently in the affirmative, only later I knew that I was escaping from the reality of my feelings and I had to come to terms with it. It was difficult, but then again, at the end of it, at least I knew myself (and my hang-ups) better. Thinking about these deep stuff is necessary, but terribly excruciating for me as my mind goes on 'high alert' mode. I push myself too hard at times, wanting to move on in the most efficient and best way.

Being an adult is difficult. Being an adult at the crossroads of life is TOUGH!

to look beyond...

Food for thought:

"Boundaries do not create limits,
they just show us where the lines are."

A day like every other

Today I woke up, turned off my alarm, prayed for a fufilling day, brushed my teeth, bathed, put on some clothes, ate 2 peanut butter sandwiches, played with the cat, got onto my dad's new bike(Honda Steed), sped off, reached office, opened the door, switched on the lights and comp, sat down, read my email, filled in forms, replied to emails, answered the phones, filled in more forms, went to buy lunch, ate carrot cake and 2 slices of pineapple and a glass of water, ... ...

Every day is almost like every other day.=)

Just that today, I'm happy. Lighthearted. My perspective of life does not change according to my feelings or moods, it only becomes more diluted or more focused.

It's strange that people are so ruled by their emotions that they can 'take a break', from God, from a relationship, from ... themselves? During this 'break' then, what happens? Do they completely lose themselves in relaxing, in 'letting go'... ...What good does the break do, then? Is it supposed to make things better, or worse?

Or is this just an excuse to shy away from confronting the truth, to think that they are honest and open, except that in reality nothing has changed and they are just running away from their feelings? Blame it on the weather if it suits you, can't we just admit our mistakes or our insecurities and live, and learn... there is no point in hiding from yourself, not when there are issues to be resolved within.

I am at peace.

So, I'm happy.

And it is a happy day, today.

=)

The Yellow Ribbon Project

Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
It's been three long years, do you still want me
If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree
I'll stay on the bus, forget about us
Put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree

I'm not really an activist, but I personally feel that Singapore has changed, and with their new initiative in getting ex-convicts re-accepted into the society, (read about it in www.yellowribbon.org.sg) it is really a step forward. I imagine a society where everyone gets a fair chance to make a decent living for themselves, one where all can walk on the streets without fear of discrimination. Everyone makes mistakes; does it make us any more righteous to ostracize the ones who seem to make the bigger mistakes, and this is perhaps due to the situation that they found themselves in; one which bears no fault of their own. If only everyone can look beyond the superficiality of the situation and...understand.

Some interesting history about the origin of the well-loved yellow ribbon song :

Folklore has it that the inspiration for the 1973 song came from a true incident that occurred on a bus bound for Miami, Florida. It seems that one of the passengers had just been released from prison and he was bound for home. He had written his wife and let her know he still loved her and wanted to be with her. He asked her to tie a yellow ribbon around the lone oak tree in the Town Square of White Oak, Georgia, if she still had feelings for him and wanted him to be with her. Everyone in the bus asked the Driver to slow down as they approached, there it was!
The Driver pulled over and phoned the wire services to share the story. It quickly spread throughout the country. Songwriters Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown wrote the ballad from the news story.
“Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree” was released in February 1973. It was the number one hit by April 1973.
From http://www.americanfamilytraditions.com/yellow_ribbon.htm

I will proudly wear the yellow ribbon on my lapel this month, to show that I understand... or, at least I try to, somehow...

Wow...

I can't believe it... ...

My poem is going to get published!!! Wow.

The one I wrote 2 weeks ago, 'Chuchotement Imprudent'. I asked Lise to translate it for me in French. I was thinking, since I rarely write poems (I write more songs), why don't I just submit it to a poetry writing contest and see how far it will go. I submitted my entry; in English its titled Careless Whisper; to the first website I 'googled' to (www.circleofpoets.com), and forgot about it. =)

Today I just received a email, saying that out of the 12,240 entries they received, 224 are selected to get published. It just seems so so surreal... ... The email said:

"Our editors select poems on the basis of rhythm, use of imagery, style and individuality. With respect to your poem "Careless Whisper", our team of editors has particularly appreciated the images and mood evocated throughout."

Wow...

Initially, this poem was written as an outlet for my volatile emotions; as I never would express them in the way I intend to, thus I usually pour them out in songs, drawings, prayers to an ever-hearing God, etc...And it is very very personal to me, if someone insults it, I think I would be pretty hurt or just dimiss them as ignorant imbeciles... ... So... I'm glad that some people will appreciate this poem, perhaps when they read it they connect with themselves, with a deeper understanding of life and love... =) Cheers...

The day of the horrific paper cut

Oof.

Got another paper cut today. Bad paper! Naughty paper! It left a 1 cm gash on my index finger which spewed out blood for about 10 minutes (I am not exaggerating), I used up 2 tissues and 2 plasters...Funny thing is, I did not even realise it was bleeding until I saw some stained papers and thought to myself "hmm, how come its stained..." Yea, my index finger was happily dripping on the various papers...

My writing's affected, looks really sprawly and I'm doing my work 1.5 times slower...I need to know where to buy 'finger guards'...saw Nike® selling 2 for 7 bucks which means I have to spend $35 to get finger insurance. Maybe I should just wear gardener gloves, or just not get too involved with anything paper-related.

Speaking about work, I've been 'promoted' after 3 short weeks at the company, from my past post of the (lowly) office girl. Yay! I am now the 'Admin. Exec.' (I wonder what that means)...Well, does that mean a pay raise as well? Considering that I have not even got my "firstfruits". And I get to attend a real business meeting at the ABN Amro Bank on friday! Sort of looking forward to it, it means getting out of the office and seeing what other offices are like (so ironic yea.) *ahem* And talk to the Assistant.Vice.President... Or rather the AVP will talk to me...kewl kewl kewl... being a temp is fun!

Chanced upon this pretty fantastic webpage with all the news on the Singapore Idol finalists... AND their blogs! (this webpage) I read most of theirs... nice, down-to-earth stuff about their experiences... I'm supporting David Yeo with my voice(go! win!*hoot hoot*), my heart(droolz...) and my money(dial 1900-blah-blah-blah)... I have really supportive parents! Haha my mum thought calling/voting was free and she happily dialed 3 times... She's supporting Sylvester. I think he has potential... Personal favorites are Leandra and Maia too...Mmm show is on tomorrow, sadly 2 of them will be no longer in the running then.