friendships

I've been making some new friends, or should I say new-old friends.

It's strange how friendship happens, especially in my side of the world. I am friendly, yes, but I don't really go out all to make new friends with new people, due to some bad experiences I would not like to repeat. I am still a little bit sore over how some friends used me. So I keep a safe distance with new folks in The Church's clique.

But sometimes when it least happens to you, you happen to find really nice people you can clique with. Some of my guy friends, others describe as weird or eccentric but they seem perfectly normal to me, maybe I am like them too? Hmm.

I recently got re-acquainted with an old guy from The Church. Yes, he seems old to me in the past, but maybe not now that I feel old myself. He's in the age range of those leaders and senior students when I was a young'un. We had quite many friends in common, those 'oldies', and one late night when I can't sleep, somehow, I started talking to him over the FB chat (something I seldom use by the way.) I've always wondered about him, in those years past. He seemed like a really nice guy, albeit quiet, tall and perhaps quite the emo/broody sort. We shared about 'gifts to give a girl you like', and he told me he once gave a 'winnie-the-pooh' to a girl he liked... but she didn't like it. We shared about how the guys in The Church 'cannot make it', and he jokingly replied that's why he's not there now! He has been through some things in his life, from what I guessed, a relationship that broke up, being of an older age, I believe it was serious, yet now he's single. It's a hard place to be when all your friends are married and popping out the first or second one, I also have that fear of being left on the shelf at times...

A few weeks later, he smsed me out of concern for the things I shared about my job that time. It's nice to somehow get in touch with people that knew you from the past, like ghosts, you see them but never really 'see' them. I wonder how I seemed to be to them in the past though, hopefully I did not leave them a bad impression. I suddenly remembered the other day and told TheBoyfriend, much to his mirth, that one of the guys in The Church, previously, gave me this nickname 'Ljungberg', as in Freddie Ljungberg, the soccer player. And they called me 'Ljungberg' secretly, behind my back!

Huh... do I look like him?

(Okay, stop staring. No resemblance!)

Later on I found on (as that guy told me, many years later when we've become good friends) I've been nicknamed so because of my red hair, as Ljungberg also had shocking red hair before he became botak. Maybe I should be secretly pleased that they took note of me/my hair and nicknamed me after a famous soccer player.

It's quite a well-known fact that I have more guy friends that girl friends, I guess its just the topics we like to talk about. About work, politics, economics, etc. Really boring stuff, honestly.

Although I try not to go out so often now (save money and lack of... interest to go out!) there are some kindred ones who still keep in touch, that's really nice. It's nice to feel connected and intelligent and that your opinion is still necessary in some arenas.

To clear the long time-misconception that 'something can happen' between platonic friends: Well, maybe some couples will be afraid if the girl is close to guys, especially drop-dead handsome guys... like in those taiwanese shows, haha. And all my friends are quite good-looking, maybe I like to surround myself with hunks... Actually I never bothered about their looks, as long as they can speak English well and are usually tall... we will make friends!

But the thing is, if you have been friends especially since those long-ago teenage days or early adulthood days where they have seen your growing pains, and you have seen their immature ways, especially especially when they like some immature girl and you know it before...really no way...

It's really unlikely that those images will be mentally 'erased' from the girl's mind.

Seriously, we can't get over the fact that they have worn such baggy pants and white sneakers, with that mushroom hairstyle remnant from the '90s and whatnot. As girls we also need a romantic feeling to 'fall in love' in that way and being friends for so long, the romantic feeling cannot be captured, only disgust perhaps.

The only exception to the case is if they have been apart - IE not seen each other for some years and then back together as friends, then sparks may fly, OR, if the girl have had liked the other party before. In a crush sort of way when she was still young. Like, really really really liked him.

I've always wondered what would happen if my crushes all turned out well. Lucky for me, only the last one did become mutual, heh!!! Anyways, prayer always works for such instances. Pray that you stop liking the person, or else pray for the person to like you back if it's meant to be.

And never tell your boyfriend which handsome friend of yours you once had a crush on. As in the quote, 'some things are better left unsaid', to preserve your youthful dignity and your wonderful friendships. Oh, and never tell the friend either. Unless a dreadful long time has passed and both of you are mature enough to take it. Haha.

Queen of No Marriage

I'm utterly hooked on this show, currently showing on Channel U at 10pm. Watched it by chance as I've always disliked the weepy, love-drama of taiwanese teenagers (or moneyed step-relatives) which was always the norm. But this show packs good scripting ala Korean hits, really good acting, and side-splitting humor from all cast. Basically, I love this show! I can't stop watching it and, horror! I actually wanna buy the dvd boxset to watch!

The premise of the show is a younger man falling in love with an older woman, throwing in some drama of the younger man's lost love - ex-girlfriend was drowned; and the reason why the pretty and chic older woman did not marry her 'senior'.

And on the topic of younger man, most women will feel apprehensive when a younger man likes them, me included. I'm sure most of us would prefer him to be older. But younger men can be quite sweet and charming in their ways... maybe we should be more 'open'. Not surprisingly, most of the younger men I'm friends with (2 years or so younger) have no qualms about being with an older women +3 years older. Wah! But in the show, you can see why the guy (hot actor Ethan Ruan now seen in 'Monga') loves the lady and vice versa. I have a bit of crush on the lady, Cheryl... her hair is lovely, can't peel my eyes off her face as well...

I think the best part of relationships are the first moments - the first time you went out on a date, obsessing about what to wear - likely, a dress, but what sort of dress? Not too formal lest he brings you to a warm place... nor too casual...?

I love the way the whole atmosphere of first dates seems so fraught with intrigue and intimacy. (Probably why long-time friends don't stand much chance of being lovers.) Being in a relationship for close to a year now, we still remember the sweet first moments, our first (clandestine) meetings where I sneak off to meet him whilst dining with my pals after service... not wanting to tell them who I was meeting for fear the news spread around, that we were 'an item' - it sort of spoils things... And yet, eagerly anticipating his arrival so much that I always lost track of my mind... Hee hee. We had great first moments - went to a megachurch...He was seated next to two gay-looking guys (wearing matchy matchy outfits of white tight shorts and shirts, so I can't help but stereotype) so he had to sit nearer me. We went to see puppies at a dog farm... cuties... we went to a place where you can park yachts (Those in the know should keep it a secret place to prevent overcrowding), and 'trespassed' to a platform where the boats were parked and sat under the stars, relaxing and chatting quietly on the wooden platform. The fishermen around us were oblivious to us and didn't mind our presence. It is those times that I remember fondly...not too long ago.

I love... she makes me inspired to have nice wavy hair which I shall make sure I have, before I go out!

red spots

I tried to find a nice floral top (which is so in this season) to buy, at Stradivarius (fast becoming one of my fave shops), but despite the varied types, I couldn't find a suitable one, perhaps I feel that it doesn't suit my face. Haha! Well, I got a rabbit print tee - first rabbit print, although I've been looking for bunnies on shirts for the longest time, so am awfully pleased about my find. I also have a lace top so I'm not that peeved about not being able to pull off florals.

I do like florals though, and if I had the chance I would put the vintagey-pastelly floral prints on almost everything, it sorts of makes objects like cups and plates look more interesting and yes, I've always liked the 'cornelle' blue flowers on white places and porcelain plates too.

For those who have not heard of Cath Kidston, she's a London brand of bags and household items in floral prints!!! LOVE. It's in that kind of coated material known as 'oilcloth', some will call it 'coated canvas'... I like that material, it's like the cloth version of patent leather and TheBoyfriend always laughs at me for carrying a 'plastic bag'. Humpf. But I've always liked and owned the Harrods one... oh Cath Kidston, please come to Sg...

Floral bib! I guess only for the wee girls and not boys...

I like this size of bag... overnight bag! Sigh...the more I look at it the more I love it.

Guess what... for Blackberry (and not iphone muahaha.) Nice!!!

Kids shoes which I would wear if they have my size... how the stripes and polka dots work well together.

And on to my fave... polka dots!

Yes I own only 2 polka dotted blouses (white on black background), but I like the spots, especially red spots. It is so cheery! Here are some cheery ways to make it a part of your life:

For instance, 'nappy bag', at least you will feel cheerful changing the stinkies...

Laptop bag... actually, how come no one ever made them in red spots?

Wellies! For rainy days... Speaking of which my sneakers are soggy and not seeming to dry out well due to rainy april showers...

Cups!



Pillowcase... haha, maybe this is the one case where red spots don't really work...

Baby pram!!!!

MacLaren design le (Does it go at insane speeds?)

mushroom early 2010

Mushroom, the little boy bunny... Almost a year with me. Sometimes his expression seems human, deep in thought, or curious... Such a lovely little bunny (full grown but still quite compact in size) His expression never fails to make me laugh and here's some of those.

shopping exercise

Indulged in retail therapy over the last couple of days. I must say that I treat shopping and window-shopping like exercise. Due to some errands I had to run, I walked in PS and then from Citylink to Marina to Suntec to Millenia and back to Citylink and finally Raffles City. No wonder I was bushed after that! I declined after dinner activities and went home to rest! Unimaginable!

I think I walked non-stop for over an hour in the malls. It's actually quite nice to walk in those malls because they were relatively quiet during the afternoon and it's long stretches of straight walk-throughs and few escalators or seats around. Best, I managed to score some good shopping deals.

I've always liked this brand of shoes - Naturalizer - they are comfy shoes, think Ecco or Scholl, but the designs are not so auntie... I quite fancy all the old-school designs and lush colors of red, camel, tobacco, burnt orange for the court shoes. And it's in leather. Of course, like all ergonomically designed shoes, they were quite pricey and it would be an investment to think about... But early this year, after falling in love with the shoes, I decided I would get one.

After all, I'm not really a shoes person - still owning and loving my ONE pair of sneakers - Onizuka lutte filles, and a couple of leather flats from Martina Pink (also really comfortable!) and ONE pair of slippers (also very comfortable and fashionable) from OkiB. And ONE white diamante one from Pazzion (after breaking it in, it's comfortable enough for a few hours' shopping trip and always gets compliments.) It's my inherent belief that a good and pricier pair of shoes is always better than buying many pairs of cheap shoes. I've seen many teenagers wearing those cheap flats everywhere - I do have them too, but I just wonder if long-term it will lead to some harm.

So early this year, with my hard-earned money I went to Naturalizer with the intention of getting their pricey shoes. But... all those designs I liked... did not have any stock of my size! Sobs. I was really not in a good mood that day... after having deliberating for some time, and not being able to buy the thing I wish! Rats.

But yesterday... I found a 'branded warehouse' temporary sale... I walked past on the first time, but walking back to Citylink I had to pass by it again and... voila! There were shoes! Lovely Naturalizer shoes and in my size. Much better, there was a real good discount that slashed the price more than 70% off! I was overjoyed. Yay!!! The feeling of... being so lucky, so happy is unimaginable!!! I'm just wishing for the next outing to wear those out... haha... but I'm probably not going out anywhere the next few days.

My shopping jaunt this month was quite successful, after so much window shopping, I realized that I'm getting better at 'purchasing'. For instance, in the past, I would not bat an eyelid at buying yet another pouchette or some accessory like a necklace and end up not really wearing them. It may be nice, and something that catches my eye, and even get compliments while wearing/carrying those items... but... it's just something that you don't really want to wear/carry after a while. But, it's also too nice to throw away. So it just sits on my shelf or hanging on my dresser... lonely!

So now, I just buy really cheap (and comfortable) clothes (I realize I wrote comfortable many times in this post...) like those from Cotton On, always going on sale, and something I would wear again and again. I'm starting to love Cotton On, compared to Uniqlo and other similar 'cheap' brands (by the way what happened to Samuel and Kelvin? Thought they were quite popular with the guys...)

Yummy clutches...

I also bought a lambskin clutch in mustard yellow at a shop which does customized bags. I really like the mustard yellow leather color - so far I think all my bags have quite a unique color, still looking for that ultimate purple bag in a shade of purple which is so chic - either a dusky lavender purple or a darker, almost black, velvety purple! I was so tempted to customize a bag in the 'satchel' pattern I like - something like mullberry's boxy designs, mannish but smaller and twist-clasps and handles and slings. Yummy. I think I will definitely consider customizing, the cost of the customized material bag in lambskin is about the same as a Marc by Marc Jacobs tote in ... nylon. Bleah. I have given up on ever getting a Marc Jacobs.

The fantastic mustard yellow satchel from Mullberry.

I really really like Miumiu's Coffret bag. The picture doesn't do it justice. The pleats and the shape is womanly yet tough... It's amazing that only at this age and time, we can spend more on ourselves. I foresee in the near future, I will be spending on furniture, bedsheets, detergent, groceries more than I spend on my wardrobe, accessories, skincare... baby diapers! Better treasure this time now.

florals and stripes

I was complaining to MsBestFriend the other day about how clothes prices seem to be shooting up the ceilings... There used to be a time where one could trial-and-error and not try on tops and just go shopping and even forget about the pieces in the wardrobe. Well, not anymore (though I did get a top for $15 - a steal, not discounted) those pieces are rare to come by and being again at Ion Orchard I tried to find a top with a good price, which I liked. I can't wear cheap(er) Made in China/HK clothes given my lanky frame. Sure enough there were nice design tees at uniqlo... but my fave brands were pull and bear, somehow, every season, there's always something for me to buy. I love this season's old-school floral hues of poppy red and navy and black and white, teamed with a yellow cardigan (found at pull and bear, only $29.90) and lovely colors - beige or off khaki playsuits and billowy blouses. A fresh take from the sequin and polyster military look.

There was a new shop that opened - 'stradivarius', along the walkway from Wheelock to Ion. It has really nice clothes, I saw those digital-floral print which looks exactly like watercolor, lovely... it's a cousin of Zara under the Inditex group. Like Bershka and Pull and Bear, of which it seems I have a season's collection in my wardrobe - Pull and Bear does the best, lovely gray, navy, off white colored tops of which I have too many and each time I open my wardrobe I feel like buying something yellow, orange or pink... anyways, Stradivarius seems to have the Pull and Bear vibe (and not the common Zara vibe) with sensible prices, and interesting stuff - I wanted to buy a lace top, a white top with some lace elements... and it has nice stuff which is worth taking a look. The moodboard on top is found at their blog.

Oh yes, I've tried at last the bagels which always tempt me as they hang from the display at Bread society... I am in love (who knew!) with the sundried tomato bagel. Initially bought for Mushroom who loves gourmet bread AND tomatoes more than me, I peeled off a piece to find... a little green olive in it! Not knowing if olives can cause stomachache to a wee bunny, I ate it and... heaven! The taste of olive, spices, sundried tomato in a bagel was bliss... I polished it off as a pre-lunch snack without adding anything to it. Yum... looking forward to my next trip there...

Love the florals on the painter girls. At Stradivarius.
Been looking everywhere for a floral cardigan like that...I also like the shorts, the belt, the hair...





For some love humor in a cartoon, go to www.kartoen.be. I always like how witty it can be in 4 boxes... and they always bring a smile to my face.
My favorite wedding themed blog has moved to www.greenweddingshoes.com . Have I ever said I want a photo like this? With the sunlight gleaming though our side silhouette... a photo that can leave you mesmerised and standing still in time... there are so many nice couple photos there that you can spend oodles of time just looking at them - I also love the table centrepieces that are so unique and different from our local traditions.

I feel that it's always a good investment to save up to get really good photographers to capture moments like this... I'm of course advocating designers and photographers... but I feel that a photo like this... is priceless... something to keep forever.

the shadow of the wind

I was lost for the last two days in 'the shadow of the wind'.

It's a book, and one which held me spellbound for hours. (Quite a thick book.)
I was almost sorry to see it end, so delicious was the time I spent reading it. In short, it is a story about self, love, reading, and set in a post-war Spain... a bit 'dark', yet humourous... the type of story I like best. The writing's so good you start to imagine and have a visual image of the characters in the book, start to feel like them, imagine how they might speak. And many things the characters speak about does ring true. Like when the main character says that books are a reflection of one's soul - how you feel about them reflects your true self.

And how, many of us, are trapped in prisons of the past - be it prisons of memories, prisons of words, prisons of love lost. It's true that we can only count the things we have in life as gifts from God. For there are many who suffered more than what they can bear. When I was in the first months of my relationship with The Boyfriend, I sometimes had the morbid fear of something bad happening to him. Especially if he did not contact me for some period of time, I would think the darkest thoughts - did something happen to him on the way back home? Accident? ... I think I'm not alone in this, that once you have loved something near and dear to you, you worry ceaselessly about their well-being. And even when you are not with them for some prolonged period of time, you only think kind thoughts about them and about and their lovely actions.

Even for a pet... my absent minded Mom forgot I told her to feed Mushroom and that I was away for the weekend... he got so hungry that he ate the dirty toilet paper in his toilet... I was appalled... bunnies have very nervous systems and once their guts are not functioning, it could spell the end of the road for them. So I gave him a buffet of his faves xioabaicai, carrot, celery and tomatoes when I got back, first thing, and monitored him and his toilet. I think that after this rabbit, I will not get another one. I feel that unlike my previous rabbit the alpha female, I could bond deeper with this sweet Mushroom who has a very mischievous and cheerful personality. He doesn't get angry - only once ever, this weekend when he saw the buffet, he thumped his foot loudly and *humpf* at me, as if for leaving him without his grub... He even stays still for grooming and brushing, the vain one. I love to feel him relaxing under my skillful head massage... Somehow I just think in my heart that I could never find another cuter and well-mannered rabbit like this.

Been reading many books lately, in the last 2 weeks I've devoured

'The Professor', by Charlotte Bronte
'The Client', by John Grisham
'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho
and 'The Shadow of the Wind' by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.

I must say I feel highly intellectual now.

In my element

There are some places and times when you feel - just right at home.

In your element.

You feel that you could be here a dozen times more and still never tire of the place.

For me, it's Melaka. To be more specific, a drive around Melaka past midnight.
Somehow, I enjoy long drives around, late at night. It's getting impossible to do so in SG given the high prices of gas... but I did enjoy those rare sessions.

Even though I don't (can't) drive, the long midnight drives in Melaka always beckoned to me. It clears my mind of clutter and I can think clearly, crystalize my thoughts, and speak them, or I may be comfortable to remain silent and enjoy the scenery in the cool of the night. This is just one small luxury that money can't buy - you have to find the right driver (ie a Melakan), because the roundabout and one-way streets are only easy for locals to navigate, the right companion who listens to the sort of music that you like but somehow didn't know you liked until it plays, and someone who knows you for a long enough time to be comfortable with you, comfortable in the silence.

I love such moments, the way I love waking up to the sound of birds (right now I wake up to the sounds of lift upgrading), the certain cafes where you can be sure a steaming hot cup of cappucino awaits you, the sound of the waves at that cafe, and the atmosphere, puts you in your element. To be sure, there aren't many places like that, and that is why these places hold a fond place in my heart and excited anticipation about my next trip there.

The long drives also brought about a sense of nostalgia for me - I remember the time when I was utterly exhausted about all in life: a demanding sales job, a more demanding leadership position, a bad person trying to mess up my life... I just scooted to Melaka the fastest I could. My therapy consisted of reading comics, watching pirated DVDS the whole day and loving it, good Melakan fare, and the long drives around at midnight. The whole time I was there, I was plagued by neverending migraines - the sign of stress I could not handle, though I did not know it then - and was thankful for the deep sleep I had and the silent company. I thought I had always liked to be in the company of chatterboxes, but during the days I was there, I had hardly talked a few sentences in a day. Understanding as he was, Chestnut did not bother to pursue, and we sat in comfortable friendly silence, watching hours of astro and pirated DVDs. It's really thanks to the Malaysian pirates that I got to watch so many good movies. We never talked about those times, but the respite I got had cemented our friendship, unlikely as it was. I guess no one ever thought that we would hang out - those were his words just a few days ago, and I jibed with a return: It's hard to find a girl similar to you. We make a pair of unusual friends, but I think in life, it's some circumstances that leads to the solidarity of some friendships. He has been though 'my purposeful life', known my pain about losing Captain Zero, losing some things, and growing up from young adults, mere teenagers, to now, we are so old now, it seems!

I haven't met Chestnut for almost two long years, and it was such a relaxing feeling when I saw him again... I count him as one of my closest and dearest friends, we have been keeping in touch almost weekly if not fornightly, and if you are wise enough, you can see that such a friendship, one that can 'maintain' itself for so long and in such a way, is one to be treasured. So I treasure greatly the all-too short times we meet, just like I eagerly anticipate meeting MsBestFriend again in Oz later in the year. It seems a shame to meet once a year or more infrequent than that, but we do try our best to meet when we are in the same country. (Despite me ALWAYS being to Melaka, Chestnut is often not in the country, and thus we rarely meet.)

I brought TheBoyfriend's relatives - our trip consisted of his mom, aunt, uncle and cousin - to a local seafood place where I was once brought to. The roads were almost free of signs to the isolated place near a small stream, yet we could find our place there by GPS and a little bit of intuitive instinct and local know-how. Chestnut was amazed at how we could find such a local haunt; even though most singaporeans would boast they know of the best so-and-so dishes in Melaka, that place was deviod of 'S' plate cars. We were the only one in a sea of 'M's, 'J's, 'W's and the occassional 'P' or 'N'. So, it's a place I love, in the beginning not for the food for I was not a food person... somehow, I am in my element, there. Despite the heat and the mossies.

A new perspective

Not so despondent now that I'm gainfully gaining some small income by teaching tuition, aggressively. With 3 jobs lined up, my weekly income adds up to about two hundred bucks + a week, so it looks like a decent amount which I can survive on without depleting any finances. The school also offered me a teaching job- basic english to PRC but the pay is not optimal, plus if I take it up, I would not be able to look for a full time employment elsewhere...so decided to give it a miss.

So for the last few days in between teaching and running errands, I have been reading voraciously. A classic, a bestseller, some magazines, and a couple of NY Times Opinions - I love the way the articles are crafted.

Meanwhile, I pray and hope that I get a good, suitable job soon.
I realised that I'm perhaps a bit visionary in a sense... the KPIs of my previous job were humanly impossible to accomplish by one person as well... so if I did spend a few more months, perhaps fulfil the obligatory probation period, I would yet still be unable to fulfil the KPI (actually I believe no one did in the job's history of employees), so, I would have gotten a bad review and had my probation extended and maybe only confirmed a year later... which, being a VWO, if I were to continue in this industry, the other VWO's pay are horribly low anyways (read about it in the papers, it's about the pay of those medical social workers... horrid horrid), so, I would be stuck in a rut sooner or later. Which is to my consolation, although the colleagues are fantastic, so is the location, benefits, current salary, etc... the future prospects are really gloomy compared to elsewhere. I guess it's a matter of timing, peseverance, courage and blessing to land into a fulfiling career. Most people are having jobs they dread, which eats into their spunky personality... well, it's only a matter of time before I find that almost-perfect job, and, at least, I'm consoling myself, I'm not doing it with mortgage debts and kids in tow. True, hunting for a job can be stressful, boring, and depressing... but I'm thankful for the tuition income which is more than enough to survive, and the time and place in life which I have now. Most of all, the past month has given me lots of things to think about, and with a new perspective, somemore...

movie night/s

I think I'm starting to be a fangirl of romantic movie comedies, after having watched and really liked the Patrick Dempsey movies 'Made of Honor' and 'Enchanted'...

We watched 'The Proposal' last year and it was sooooo hilarious we borrowed the video and watched it again over the long weekend. I'm the type of moviegoer who actually likes to read the book before watching the movie - if the book is good I will watch the movie (like Angels and Demons, Twilight...) but if the book in my opinion is too cliched or serious (My Sister's Keeper, The Time Traveler's wife) I will not even want to watch the movie. Also, I like to watch 'indie' movies so was really raving to watch 'Up in the Air' which was produced by the producers of Juno, which had a really nice, watchable vibe with great acting and scripting.

Thus was also raring to go to watch 'When in Rome' as I loved 'The Proposal'. Both shows also has cute, really tall guys... a really huge plus in my opinion! It's a nice show, the slapstick drama and humor really appeals to my psychotic side, hahaha...plus it's always nice to watch a light-hearted drama about love, isn't it?

I think beneath all the humor though, is a deep yearning for human relationships, especially that between a man and a woman. Which woman doesn't yearn to be courted by a nice guy, hopefully one who is well-dressed, nicely padded (not too thin nor too chunky), eyes you can swim in, a smile that 'stuns' you, preferably owning a nice ride (for the more 'mature' guys), a stable and prospectful career... yes... there are such men here and I do know of a few... I can sense their yearnings too. Some just attract (or are attracted to for that matter) the wrong types : the 'still don't know what they want' types, the 'not into commitment' types, the 'just so wrong for you' types. And with each passing year they wonder silently, what is wrong with me... Yes, I can sense that... the silent yearning in their eyes as they witness their friends moving to the next phase of life while they remain single. And while constantly attracting the wrong types.

So, what is the answer? I, too, never expected to be attached and sometimes still wonder, what have I done to be so blessed (of course, some other areas of my life are not so blessed, like my work life... it's fair, haha) there are other girls with better attributes than me, more worthy of such a romance. Maybe I'm also not so grateful to be attached as I have had my fair share of relationships - not that it's a number game, but surely, for those who have yet to have their 'first times', they will treasure the sweet blush of first romance more, non?

Sure wish I could save all of them! (By matchmaking, not having relationships with) Haha!

Meanwhile... I will anticipate my first one year anniversary 2 months' time... my first proposal, my first wedding (not my first time in a wedding dress but long story), my first diamond... my first home, my first kid... Hmmm... some of them not-very-anticipated...

in a little small corner of the work world.

Just wanted to share this lovely, lovely bouquet. The Boyfriend and I helped our friend to select the roses - huge red blooms from Ecuador, framed by smaller white ones from India and the accompanying white velvety looking sprays which are my personal favorite... it was for a proposal and it really made my weekend to see our friend making all the arrangements, getting the ring (goldheart solitaire), going twice to select the flowers and arranging with the manager of the cafe for the special moment. I was impressed to hear that he has made the previous bouquets by himself - it takes a lot of time and effort and after being hands-on this round, I also begin to appreciate the effort, it's really not easy to choose and arrange flowers man...just glad that through the downpour of job woes, I could share in this time of joy.

It's the first time I've ever wanted to quit a job so soon, and surprisingly or perhaps unsurprisingly, all my colleagues (and one ex-colleague who quit after one month plus), friends-in-the-know are supporting this decision. After all, I've been falling sick with 'acute stress', and scarily the walk-in clinic doc wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist... is the stress that bad? While it seems ironic that just a short while ago, I wanted a more 'stable' job, stable and good govt income, benefits, regular hours, corporate wear (yes, it's uncomfortable at times but I do look good in it...=P) all these things matter lightly in the face of unreasonable demands and personal attacks. My poor colleagues had a taste of what I've been going through just the other day - and they were traumatized and disbelieve that I had to endure such...accusations for days on end, and kindly advised me to quit in my best interests of health and future prospects (no prospect to stay.)

The best advice of all came from our ex-secretary whom I could clique with - having the seat next to mine, she was also unwavering in her support, having quit the job a few weeks ago. Yes, I've been here barely a month but it's now the THIRD secretary... she likened the boss, our reason for the job being unbearable, to Miranda Priestley in 'The Devil Wears Prada', but without the dress sense. That got me thinking, and the situation I am in, bears a resemblance to the young girl character played by Anne Hathaway. Yes, it was a tough and unbearable environment - she almost lost her faithful cute boyfriend for the job, but she persevered. But end of the day, she decided that she did not want to be like Miranda Priestley, and so, threw in the towel for a job more suited to her interests. It was like a lightbulb flicked on in my head - yes, I could 'tahan' for longer if I wanted to, I am quite a strong character after all...but...end of the day, is this what I really want? Maybe having a disturbed, or non-existent relationship for keeping my job? No holidays, no life, feeling guilty when I take MC for a genuine illness? As much as I would like to believe things can get better, the numbers speak for itself - most people quit after 6 months or less - a kind finance department colleague told me not to beat myself up, for a similar girl, 'g', got the same personal attack treatment in this job... and promptly left after as short a time as me. I'm trying to be objective and not defensive about my decision, but I guess such a short time in the job would prompt questions... so in short perhaps 'it's not the right job fit', as everyone would say would be the most diplomatic answer.

Moving on, I'm not so sure what I want to do. I've always thought I'd do someting holistic, something humanitarian, involving some creativity. Which begs the question, 'what do I really want?' Not just in job, but in life itself?? I guess I want what everyone wants - being able to afford life's little luxuries, every month a little shopping for clothes, watch a couple movies, holiday twice a year etc. I guess I want a nice family and a happy marriage. Everyone wants that...all those 30plus year old friends of mine, male and female, are longing for that - not just to get hitched but, I think, to move on to the phase in life they already should have, and are starkly reminded of it when all their friends have kids and yet more kids... I feel so inadequate, at my age, I should have ample savings, I should have mastered some housekeeping skill in wielding the broom or the wok... I should have been in a place much better than where I am in, now.

But do I really want all these?...I've always thought I'm a bit different from others, and a lovely colleague said that I taught her a new way to live, my free-spirited and not being overly affected or worrying kind of mentality, have taught her to be a more carefree person. Have I? This coming from someone who took a job opportunity to work in the USA for a year - I've always wanted to work somewhere overseas for a while, but never got round to it or perhaps don't have the guts to.

Think I just need sometime to figure out what I really need to work in. Wishing right now that the almost perfect job will just drop from the sky. If not, most likely I'd be in contract positions for a while, figuring out what I really need to do.

batam weekender

Not much photos lately, a case of 'photo fatigue'... Been wondering about the petty little squabbles between The Boyfriend and I and concluded its due to our all-consuming jobs. Which after being diagnosed with 'acute stress' and 3days sick leave, I've cleared my mind about the nonsense of wanting to step into a corporate role and it's back into my exciting life once more. The years just fritter by as an exeutive and before you know it, nothing learnt except how to please your boss and how to answer emails at rapid-fire speed.

Anyways, before I leave my sad life as an office lady, here's a relaxing weekend at Batam. We've both never been to Batam before. It's truly boring but it gives a nice respite from city life. Went with The Boyfriend's cousin and galfriend.

The photo above shows the morning sunlight glittering on the waves... very entrancing, I tranced-ly stood and looked at the light dancing.

There was a terrorist in my bath!

Spot the typo.

Hope these photos made you feel a little relaxed...

Looking forward to a REAL holiday.