Apart from thinking about things that are going to happen which hopefully will not, I've been busy learning html this week. For my cell's new website, been wanting to do this since last year but well, it's still not too late aye... Thankfully Giffy's been a great help too. I feel accomplished now, knowing how to add fancy photos, fonts, etc... the background's a nice chrome yellow. Meanwhile all through today I've been listening to this meaningful-sounding korean drama song by Boa. It's called 'Waiting'.
And, aptly this describes some days. Waiting to get home, waiting to meet someone, waiting for the bus... waiting!
Do I need to be more patient?
Shiner said, if you think it will happen, it will, so stop thinking about it...
In other words don't pre-empt stuff you don't want to see happening. Not convicted enough though, isn't that a form of escapism by refusing to think about things and then when it hits you right smack all over you can't think of what to do next.
Nothing(bad) is going to happen, he reassured me.
Aye nothing in the metaphysical sense of the meaning of the word. After, I just hope that I walk through with no hang ups. And also, not intentionally causing hurt to anyone.
And perhaps not being devastated at myself for the unacceptable things not done nor said, just lingering in the mind, waiting for an opportunity to present itself... ...
Things that can't be justified no matter which way you look at it.
If I love myself, do I have to let go of myself?
Maybe I don't love myself enough. After all, I'm still clinging on. Despite the hurt it takes to do that.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Hello, Goodbye, Goodnight.
"Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.
Ndee sms-ed me today morning, saying that he's going to USA, MA, Cambridge to work. Leaving on the 29th July and back on 2007.
I always say that one by one, my friends leave(here). Perhaps it's true, that I speak into their lives. Maybe Singapore's a more cosmopolitan city than I've imagined. After all, I have always harbored thoughts of leaving, too. Always thought that I'm not going to be here 'for long'. It's hard to keep track of dear ones far away. Do you email them weekly? Or say 'hi wad r u doing nw' on msn?
Or choose not to, because it only prolongs the 'sweet sorrow', of having to say goodbye, then not actually 'letting go?' That I want to have a chance to still know what's going on in their lives and thus be a part of it, nevertheless?
Ganesh's leaving 7th July, first to Chennai and then to University of Delaware. May come back in 4 years' time, or get a green card and settle there.
Ches' sailing somewhere, back to Melaka in October earliest - which means I probably won't get to see him at all.
Markos' supposed to come back today, 3 months and then off to law school again, many years more.
Giffy's going 8th July, hopefully SAF. 2 years.
I guess if I had the chance I would tell them with all sincerity that they belong in my heart forever and are always deeply cherished and prayed for. Oh, but that would be so unlike me, So untrue of the frivolous me - who often forgets to appreciate people, nice guys that would carry my bag and listen to me till the wee hours, who would discuss ideas and thoughts with me and pray for me everyday... ... time passes. I forget. Do I not want to remember? No, I honestly do. But carrying overt sentimentalism around within me is not my style, these thought
s burden me.
Mr BestFriend's back on the 14th. Yay! Miss him in a way only best friends do. So much to tell, about the changes in my life. I've been aching to talk to him. I guess I think about him more than I pray, which shouldn't be the case. I hope he's happy there, and even happier to be back, in which case I'll be the happiest of all, to see him again, after all that has happened.
Sometimes it's the traumas of life that strengthens bonds within souls.
Sometimes, simple words spoken from distances breaks the barriers of silence.
Sometimes...parting is such sweet sorrow.
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.
Ndee sms-ed me today morning, saying that he's going to USA, MA, Cambridge to work. Leaving on the 29th July and back on 2007.
I always say that one by one, my friends leave(here). Perhaps it's true, that I speak into their lives. Maybe Singapore's a more cosmopolitan city than I've imagined. After all, I have always harbored thoughts of leaving, too. Always thought that I'm not going to be here 'for long'. It's hard to keep track of dear ones far away. Do you email them weekly? Or say 'hi wad r u doing nw' on msn?
Or choose not to, because it only prolongs the 'sweet sorrow', of having to say goodbye, then not actually 'letting go?' That I want to have a chance to still know what's going on in their lives and thus be a part of it, nevertheless?
Ganesh's leaving 7th July, first to Chennai and then to University of Delaware. May come back in 4 years' time, or get a green card and settle there.
Ches' sailing somewhere, back to Melaka in October earliest - which means I probably won't get to see him at all.
Markos' supposed to come back today, 3 months and then off to law school again, many years more.
Giffy's going 8th July, hopefully SAF. 2 years.
I guess if I had the chance I would tell them with all sincerity that they belong in my heart forever and are always deeply cherished and prayed for. Oh, but that would be so unlike me, So untrue of the frivolous me - who often forgets to appreciate people, nice guys that would carry my bag and listen to me till the wee hours, who would discuss ideas and thoughts with me and pray for me everyday... ... time passes. I forget. Do I not want to remember? No, I honestly do. But carrying overt sentimentalism around within me is not my style, these thought
s burden me.Mr BestFriend's back on the 14th. Yay! Miss him in a way only best friends do. So much to tell, about the changes in my life. I've been aching to talk to him. I guess I think about him more than I pray, which shouldn't be the case. I hope he's happy there, and even happier to be back, in which case I'll be the happiest of all, to see him again, after all that has happened.
Sometimes it's the traumas of life that strengthens bonds within souls.
Sometimes, simple words spoken from distances breaks the barriers of silence.
Sometimes...parting is such sweet sorrow.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Someone who believes in me
When you have no light to guide you...
And no one to walk beside you...
I'll be there for you,
I will believe in you.
Sometimes, when there is a need to stop moving forward, at certain parts of life's journey; and just look behind, not beyond; for a nanosecond, Rachel remembers the storms weathered and the people who believed in her.
A small stirring in her heart ensues grateful thoughts and a warmth that fills up her soul as she makes a mental note to appreciate them, but knowing the frailties of life, these kindred souls often go their way, demanding not even a word of thanks.
After all, how can the impact of a changed life through someone's prayers be possibly expressed in a memo? How can mindsets broken and a spirit renewed be comprehended in an utterance of gratitude?
In Chapter 2 I begin to realise the impact of these lives on my life. I'm definitely very blessed, almost 'chosen' from the beginning as immediately when I joined, I was handpicked to potentially lead and serve Him. Why this occurs is more of a mystery to me than to anyone else, I know myself well and for years I battled my irksome nonconventional behavior, only to realise last year that it's an indispensable part of my character and in reality I'm a rare type. Hoho. The type who answers the questions and questions the answers.
And now it's my turn to be a channel of blessing to others, those who see no hope in themselves, those who cannot clique with anyone but me. I can think of two. Not that I have a magical ability to instantly connect with people (it can be trained though), I choose to believe that God placed me in their lives (and vice versa) for a special reason.
I see potential in everyone.
Some people clamour for the privilege of making a difference. I have been blessed by just having it, even though most of the time I feel constrained under it, and slightly stressed too. But I realise the significance of my paradigm, my positioning - being in this place gives me a huge chance to impact others and also learn much. It's as if God was dictating my steps!
I'm going to try to make a difference in someone else's world. To just believe in them, that they can reach their fullest potential. And then? I guess I'd have to wait and see.
It's an exciting journey ahead.
And no one to walk beside you...
I'll be there for you,
I will believe in you.
Sometimes, when there is a need to stop moving forward, at certain parts of life's journey; and just look behind, not beyond; for a nanosecond, Rachel remembers the storms weathered and the people who believed in her.
A small stirring in her heart ensues grateful thoughts and a warmth that fills up her soul as she makes a mental note to appreciate them, but knowing the frailties of life, these kindred souls often go their way, demanding not even a word of thanks.
After all, how can the impact of a changed life through someone's prayers be possibly expressed in a memo? How can mindsets broken and a spirit renewed be comprehended in an utterance of gratitude?
In Chapter 2 I begin to realise the impact of these lives on my life. I'm definitely very blessed, almost 'chosen' from the beginning as immediately when I joined, I was handpicked to potentially lead and serve Him. Why this occurs is more of a mystery to me than to anyone else, I know myself well and for years I battled my irksome nonconventional behavior, only to realise last year that it's an indispensable part of my character and in reality I'm a rare type. Hoho. The type who answers the questions and questions the answers.
And now it's my turn to be a channel of blessing to others, those who see no hope in themselves, those who cannot clique with anyone but me. I can think of two. Not that I have a magical ability to instantly connect with people (it can be trained though), I choose to believe that God placed me in their lives (and vice versa) for a special reason.
I see potential in everyone.
Some people clamour for the privilege of making a difference. I have been blessed by just having it, even though most of the time I feel constrained under it, and slightly stressed too. But I realise the significance of my paradigm, my positioning - being in this place gives me a huge chance to impact others and also learn much. It's as if God was dictating my steps!
I'm going to try to make a difference in someone else's world. To just believe in them, that they can reach their fullest potential. And then? I guess I'd have to wait and see.
It's an exciting journey ahead.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
The ONE thing I ask
Finally, a campaign that makes sense.
It's promo video had been playing on my us-based free email host, and I thought it was another one of those dating/gaming/health ads, therefore I paid no heed to it. Only today - I turned on the sound, and was surprised to hear brad and co. promoting the ONE campaign to make poverty history: "we're not asking for your money, we're asking for your voice."
Basically it's a campaign to use 1% of the US budget to fund AIDS orphans, provide drinking water ...to build a better, safer world. 1% of the US budget is 25 billion. Which is really a huge sum of money! (www.one.org) I think this is the best campaign in the spate of recent campaign - events based on wearing wristbands to show one's cause.
Excellent.
________________________________________
Mr BestFriend's on a road trip somewhere, I should presume, along the west coast of US. Miss talking to him, one of the ways I can keep in touch with him is his photos - beautiful ones of the places he went to, captured in such artistic shots that they could be mistaken for that of a professionals'. Hope they're royalty-free 'cuz I took the liberty to use a few of his shots in my designs for work and church. His 'blurred image' would be on church-wide noticeboards later - going to paste them up, and there they'll stay for a month or so. I do hope he goes unrecognized though, would not want everyone to ask him peculiar stuff. Asked him to purchase some Victoria Secret's stuff for me - well I've never tried their stuff before so yes I guess I made the best of this opportunity. It's strange that I didn't feel embarassed or ... uncomfortable asking him; think our friendship is to that level of intimacy that overrides such feelings, that gives security in our communications and sense of self.
Can't wait for him to come back soon, although I'm sure, being as well-liked as he is, he won't have much time for me, being innundated with dates and appointments. And of course, he's still studying. It's so funny - reading a book on christian relationships - was discussing the book, one part that approves of 'marrying your best friend'. Well me and Sheepy disagreed on that. For me, I already have one best friend and I don't want my spouse to become another one. Also, I don't want to marry my this best friend... yuk yuk. Although he's intelligent, witty, handsome and holy, no! Definitely no-no. Hahaha. There's just this gross factor of falling in love with best friends, you know... to even imagine that it can happen (to me) is a crossing into a potentially dangerous territory of confusing emotions. Like and Love - platonic and non-p. The twain shall never meet, not at least for me. Well this book has sparked my interest in reading more into this genre - of which I've read painfully few. Never have been interested in books on this subject, previously... oh maybe I've always liked to rely on my experiences - of which combined, I could write a book also. Perhaps next step would be to read 'boundaries in dating'... I still have the notion that most relationship books are written based solely on the author's emotions and experiences - humpf- and all of them are male - why do women only/mostly write about prayer, or becoming a better, godlier woman... let's tell it like it is from a feminine point of view.
I'm sure me n Mr BestFriend will both make an effort to touch base more often now that he's going to come back. When one gets older, the lasting friendships become more important. Giffy will be gone too to serve the nation, hopefully the airforce, come next month. I've promised him a long awaited dinner treat when he gets over bmt. Has it been only two years that we've known each other? It seems so long - yet when I realise I haven't really seen him this year, I've almost forgot what he looks like, what it feels like to share chats... One by one, my friends leave for a short passage of time - I know that when they return, they will become stronger, and wiser for all the journeys they've acculumulated. So Ches, markos, etc...do come back soon for a visit, or perhaps I'll come and visit you when I've saved enough. There's an interesting British Airways ad along the mrt underpass that makes the passerby imagine they are walking thru a London subway - and advertises flights there at less than 1k. Quite appealing, I will consider...
The mind is strange. It changes quickly, yet remains constant. Trigger events of certain ideologies I hold close to, make me spill out memories of yesteryears. Perhaps, these issues still needs to be dealt with. Maybe, they are only harboring my thoughts for that millisecond of time - like a tinge of taste on the tongue... - then, no more.
First week of work - I'm tired, body is still not able to going to bed at 10, 11 pm and I toss around for ages. I'm a 3AM person. Tossing around makes my mind perturbed, the loss of sleep is the least of my concerns - being alone with nothing to do makes my thinking-mode go into overdrive and I'm overwhelmed with being conscious of my thoughts of what is happening now, what is yet to be, what may or mayn't be... plagued with the possibilities of my life, I start to discuss details of conversations and actions with close friends. Thankfully we delve into a larger perspective as we critique and comprehend human behavior with a genuine focus on concern.
So, another transition for me. Can I expect more interesting events soon? =) Stay tuned, Rachel, for the best is yet to be.
It's promo video had been playing on my us-based free email host, and I thought it was another one of those dating/gaming/health ads, therefore I paid no heed to it. Only today - I turned on the sound, and was surprised to hear brad and co. promoting the ONE campaign to make poverty history: "we're not asking for your money, we're asking for your voice."
Basically it's a campaign to use 1% of the US budget to fund AIDS orphans, provide drinking water ...to build a better, safer world. 1% of the US budget is 25 billion. Which is really a huge sum of money! (www.one.org) I think this is the best campaign in the spate of recent campaign - events based on wearing wristbands to show one's cause.
Excellent.
________________________________________
Mr BestFriend's on a road trip somewhere, I should presume, along the west coast of US. Miss talking to him, one of the ways I can keep in touch with him is his photos - beautiful ones of the places he went to, captured in such artistic shots that they could be mistaken for that of a professionals'. Hope they're royalty-free 'cuz I took the liberty to use a few of his shots in my designs for work and church. His 'blurred image' would be on church-wide noticeboards later - going to paste them up, and there they'll stay for a month or so. I do hope he goes unrecognized though, would not want everyone to ask him peculiar stuff. Asked him to purchase some Victoria Secret's stuff for me - well I've never tried their stuff before so yes I guess I made the best of this opportunity. It's strange that I didn't feel embarassed or ... uncomfortable asking him; think our friendship is to that level of intimacy that overrides such feelings, that gives security in our communications and sense of self.
Can't wait for him to come back soon, although I'm sure, being as well-liked as he is, he won't have much time for me, being innundated with dates and appointments. And of course, he's still studying. It's so funny - reading a book on christian relationships - was discussing the book, one part that approves of 'marrying your best friend'. Well me and Sheepy disagreed on that. For me, I already have one best friend and I don't want my spouse to become another one. Also, I don't want to marry my this best friend... yuk yuk. Although he's intelligent, witty, handsome and holy, no! Definitely no-no. Hahaha. There's just this gross factor of falling in love with best friends, you know... to even imagine that it can happen (to me) is a crossing into a potentially dangerous territory of confusing emotions. Like and Love - platonic and non-p. The twain shall never meet, not at least for me. Well this book has sparked my interest in reading more into this genre - of which I've read painfully few. Never have been interested in books on this subject, previously... oh maybe I've always liked to rely on my experiences - of which combined, I could write a book also. Perhaps next step would be to read 'boundaries in dating'... I still have the notion that most relationship books are written based solely on the author's emotions and experiences - humpf- and all of them are male - why do women only/mostly write about prayer, or becoming a better, godlier woman... let's tell it like it is from a feminine point of view.
I'm sure me n Mr BestFriend will both make an effort to touch base more often now that he's going to come back. When one gets older, the lasting friendships become more important. Giffy will be gone too to serve the nation, hopefully the airforce, come next month. I've promised him a long awaited dinner treat when he gets over bmt. Has it been only two years that we've known each other? It seems so long - yet when I realise I haven't really seen him this year, I've almost forgot what he looks like, what it feels like to share chats... One by one, my friends leave for a short passage of time - I know that when they return, they will become stronger, and wiser for all the journeys they've acculumulated. So Ches, markos, etc...do come back soon for a visit, or perhaps I'll come and visit you when I've saved enough. There's an interesting British Airways ad along the mrt underpass that makes the passerby imagine they are walking thru a London subway - and advertises flights there at less than 1k. Quite appealing, I will consider...
The mind is strange. It changes quickly, yet remains constant. Trigger events of certain ideologies I hold close to, make me spill out memories of yesteryears. Perhaps, these issues still needs to be dealt with. Maybe, they are only harboring my thoughts for that millisecond of time - like a tinge of taste on the tongue... - then, no more.
First week of work - I'm tired, body is still not able to going to bed at 10, 11 pm and I toss around for ages. I'm a 3AM person. Tossing around makes my mind perturbed, the loss of sleep is the least of my concerns - being alone with nothing to do makes my thinking-mode go into overdrive and I'm overwhelmed with being conscious of my thoughts of what is happening now, what is yet to be, what may or mayn't be... plagued with the possibilities of my life, I start to discuss details of conversations and actions with close friends. Thankfully we delve into a larger perspective as we critique and comprehend human behavior with a genuine focus on concern.
So, another transition for me. Can I expect more interesting events soon? =) Stay tuned, Rachel, for the best is yet to be.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Now is the moment
"Every culture has its own unique set of temporal fingerprints. To know a people is to know the time values they live by."
-Jeremy Rifkin, Time Wars
Our most important and valuable asset: Time.
Will spend some time thinking about this during lunch. =)
-Jeremy Rifkin, Time Wars
Our most important and valuable asset: Time.
Will spend some time thinking about this during lunch. =)
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Truth or care?
We still want it all and we want it now, but, above all, we want it to mean something. - Textile View Issue 67
Getting used to school, being a lecturer and having to guide students who are not much older than me, some older aye... I do like this job, time in the classrooms really pass fast, and I can experience the thrill of having ultraly motivated students who listen to everything I say and do all their homework. It's wonderful.
Was browsing through this really expensive magazine - which is an essential for every fashion designer actually, a sort of trend forecasting book. As a student, I could only get hold of it during studio classes for like a minimum of 15 minutes. Now, I can carry it around. Hehe. I realised today that I'm really blessed to be in such a position of influence at such a young age. I still feel young, inadequate to carry out the job and its title. Part of me still wants to be a student - after all, most of the 'yoofs' my age are still studying, somewhere. But I do get immense satisfaction from inspiring the students in my class - perhaps I'm too intense too. Told Sheepy yesterday I'm going to be demanding-in-class, but lenient when marking. Planning syllabus is still alien to me, and I'm left to my own expertise. I can manage, for now.
So, the magazine had a really interesting and short article which set me thinking and I felt the subject matter was interesting - more of a sociology topic than any other. In large typeface :
"ETHICS...WHO CARES? The subject of ethics is massively open to personal interpretation and a hot and very current debate..."
Goes on to say "Truth or care?" Which is a pun on the popular slogan that I quite like. (Both the pun, and the slogan, I mean.) The article asked some insightful questions about 'yoof' culture and that they, are looking for a new sense of intergrity - being truthful to their own values and belief systems, whatever that might be.
Well, aren't we all like that, too.
They are also starting to question the ethics of the way they live their own lives. High time! Been wondering whether a person who is without God feels guilty when he - makes love, without the context of marriage...And then whether he should feel guilty now when he is saved. People are selfish, some are immature, some try their best to be perfect. Anyhow, all these nitty gritty stuff doesn't matter when put into the perspective of how big God is and how wide His grace. Maybe I'm the only one who wants to make a positive difference, or can see how it can be done. Through prayer, we seek His direction. Isn't that enough for those who don't want to make a mess out of their lives? Though I can't say for sure that I've 'been there, done that' - even though I look like I have, I do try to empathise.
And tell the truth.
Because I care. I care for those who hurt themselves, who hurt others because of their own ignorance. For those who choose to be apathetic - I don't bother. But for those who are seeking a purpose, and are sincere, I will care. And tell the truth.
Getting used to school, being a lecturer and having to guide students who are not much older than me, some older aye... I do like this job, time in the classrooms really pass fast, and I can experience the thrill of having ultraly motivated students who listen to everything I say and do all their homework. It's wonderful.
Was browsing through this really expensive magazine - which is an essential for every fashion designer actually, a sort of trend forecasting book. As a student, I could only get hold of it during studio classes for like a minimum of 15 minutes. Now, I can carry it around. Hehe. I realised today that I'm really blessed to be in such a position of influence at such a young age. I still feel young, inadequate to carry out the job and its title. Part of me still wants to be a student - after all, most of the 'yoofs' my age are still studying, somewhere. But I do get immense satisfaction from inspiring the students in my class - perhaps I'm too intense too. Told Sheepy yesterday I'm going to be demanding-in-class, but lenient when marking. Planning syllabus is still alien to me, and I'm left to my own expertise. I can manage, for now.
So, the magazine had a really interesting and short article which set me thinking and I felt the subject matter was interesting - more of a sociology topic than any other. In large typeface :
"ETHICS...WHO CARES? The subject of ethics is massively open to personal interpretation and a hot and very current debate..."
Goes on to say "Truth or care?" Which is a pun on the popular slogan that I quite like. (Both the pun, and the slogan, I mean.) The article asked some insightful questions about 'yoof' culture and that they, are looking for a new sense of intergrity - being truthful to their own values and belief systems, whatever that might be.
Well, aren't we all like that, too.
They are also starting to question the ethics of the way they live their own lives. High time! Been wondering whether a person who is without God feels guilty when he - makes love, without the context of marriage...And then whether he should feel guilty now when he is saved. People are selfish, some are immature, some try their best to be perfect. Anyhow, all these nitty gritty stuff doesn't matter when put into the perspective of how big God is and how wide His grace. Maybe I'm the only one who wants to make a positive difference, or can see how it can be done. Through prayer, we seek His direction. Isn't that enough for those who don't want to make a mess out of their lives? Though I can't say for sure that I've 'been there, done that' - even though I look like I have, I do try to empathise.
And tell the truth.
Because I care. I care for those who hurt themselves, who hurt others because of their own ignorance. For those who choose to be apathetic - I don't bother. But for those who are seeking a purpose, and are sincere, I will care. And tell the truth.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Where angels fear to tread
Back to ponderous inclinations of a rationalist.
Care does not constitute love, does it? For when it does, the next step would be to care, over all and above all, about the little things that matter about the individual one's concerns are about. Perhaps learning to care, is a lot like learning to love. For me, I am still taking baby steps. My concern extends to a host of people under and over my influence.
Yet to love, there can be a space for only one. To use the eyes of my heart to see with faith and belief that the path I tread on is possibly leading to a promise for the future, it is almost impossible to me, to believe. God has spoken where angels fear to tread. In dreams- I am unaccustomed to hear my Maker speak in such a manner. Yet while asking for a word, I am jolted by Him saying, 'My child, I have already spoken to you." Aye, twice. I forgot.
Then again I do not trust my dreams. Does it signify that I do not trust God, that He, above all, is able to give me the 'signs' that others in love wish for? The signals that something good will come? Yet I doubt, still. Speak again perhaps. And again. How many times? He is really patient.
'Care' is so mundane, so commonplace that it seems as though I fail to perceive the value of it. But caring, for someone is more than just a natural thing. It takes much effort to boldly pursue to continue on in caring for someone. Love, to me, is more volatile. Something passionate, a strong emotion that will sweep you up in a whirl, changing your world into a natural intensity, a vibrancy of hues that once was only a nuance of shallow feeling. Can there be a place between the two, a transitory point where I learn to care, and I only realise it when I find someone else caring too... stirring up some more unaccustomed awareness of a tinge of fretfulness, only relieved by knowing he does not bother about her care. This strange rivalry only throws me into more confusion as all along I've ever and always looked to him as a kin and no more.
Love. All along, I've experienced more than my fair share of it. I've crushed and crashed, liked and lusted, laughed and cried through the many relationships I've been through. Now I'm tired, I need - I want to settle down, fast. Find a person who cares, more than he loves.
Love. Sometimes loving is letting go. I know I care. But I know that someone else cares, too. And perhaps it is a longer, stronger and deeper care than mine. I'm able to step aside and see God's best happening for both. For me. I can never care as much, love as much... however much I try.
When I love someone, perhaps I fail to care for the person. Care for those around me that might care - and do a better job than me. So aye, I'm going to watch things happen and be a holy matchmaker for the one that has been caring for me. Already I cringe at the misapprehensions occuring because of my naivete, the way I play thoughtlessly, selfishly; the things I say in all innocence which unfortunately might cause further misunderstandings. No more, Rachel. I'm trying to be a better person, to be brave. Not to be a fool that rushes in where angels fear to tread.
Care does not constitute love, does it? For when it does, the next step would be to care, over all and above all, about the little things that matter about the individual one's concerns are about. Perhaps learning to care, is a lot like learning to love. For me, I am still taking baby steps. My concern extends to a host of people under and over my influence.
Yet to love, there can be a space for only one. To use the eyes of my heart to see with faith and belief that the path I tread on is possibly leading to a promise for the future, it is almost impossible to me, to believe. God has spoken where angels fear to tread. In dreams- I am unaccustomed to hear my Maker speak in such a manner. Yet while asking for a word, I am jolted by Him saying, 'My child, I have already spoken to you." Aye, twice. I forgot.
Then again I do not trust my dreams. Does it signify that I do not trust God, that He, above all, is able to give me the 'signs' that others in love wish for? The signals that something good will come? Yet I doubt, still. Speak again perhaps. And again. How many times? He is really patient.
'Care' is so mundane, so commonplace that it seems as though I fail to perceive the value of it. But caring, for someone is more than just a natural thing. It takes much effort to boldly pursue to continue on in caring for someone. Love, to me, is more volatile. Something passionate, a strong emotion that will sweep you up in a whirl, changing your world into a natural intensity, a vibrancy of hues that once was only a nuance of shallow feeling. Can there be a place between the two, a transitory point where I learn to care, and I only realise it when I find someone else caring too... stirring up some more unaccustomed awareness of a tinge of fretfulness, only relieved by knowing he does not bother about her care. This strange rivalry only throws me into more confusion as all along I've ever and always looked to him as a kin and no more.
Love. All along, I've experienced more than my fair share of it. I've crushed and crashed, liked and lusted, laughed and cried through the many relationships I've been through. Now I'm tired, I need - I want to settle down, fast. Find a person who cares, more than he loves.
Love. Sometimes loving is letting go. I know I care. But I know that someone else cares, too. And perhaps it is a longer, stronger and deeper care than mine. I'm able to step aside and see God's best happening for both. For me. I can never care as much, love as much... however much I try.
When I love someone, perhaps I fail to care for the person. Care for those around me that might care - and do a better job than me. So aye, I'm going to watch things happen and be a holy matchmaker for the one that has been caring for me. Already I cringe at the misapprehensions occuring because of my naivete, the way I play thoughtlessly, selfishly; the things I say in all innocence which unfortunately might cause further misunderstandings. No more, Rachel. I'm trying to be a better person, to be brave. Not to be a fool that rushes in where angels fear to tread.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Perching at the edge of His waterfall; and who murdered the suckerfish?
I guess the only way I can describe my feelings about my ministry now is to liken it to perching on the edge of a huge waterfall - I seem so small, looking down at the gushes. Yet I feel a mixture of elation, trepidation and wonder all at once. Slightly scared too, at the hugeness of it all. I wrote in my journal, that these miracles happening in my cell, in this districtm are just the beginning drops of an overflow that's going to sweep across the land, and perhaps even the whole East itself! Some cells never see harvest, or multiplication - mine saw the miracle of salvation barely a month before it started, and again,and now, 3 more salvations are being added to our family. Ganesh, who was outstationed in Washington for a month, came back to us today, and he was surprised at the new faces - said that 'Is this my cell?' =)
It's really an exciting time for all of us, I think I get the most kick out of it, as I have advance notice about the new ones coming, and the rest only know about them when they actually come for cell. I remain hopeful that once they come, they will stay. Afterall, most surprisingly, it has always been the case for this cell. No irregulars - and with God's grace, it will stay this way. 14 people in Sunnydale last night - it was great, Shirley was running out of chairs already... I think we have to sit on the floor soon... =) Definitely I am worried that I'll not be responsible, or say the wrong thing while leading Grow. But I guess focusing on God is better! Which makes so much sense to me, instead of focusing on our human inadequacies. I still want to ask God for more, more miracles, more people to nurture, I don't care if I'm spiritually overworked, or leading New Beginnings back-to-back... this work is so much more fulfilling than any other!
____________________
When I came back from Pattaya church camp, my house had a new inclusion of two aquariums - perhaps my father was lonely in the week, so bought himself some pets. My house has way too many inhabitants now! On the bottom one we just keep tiger barbs and prawns plus one suckerfish. The top one has 2 kissing fish, 12 disciples (bought 12 small fishies with red stripe), 2 colorful but dumb looking ones, one suckerfish, some small prawns, some kampung fish, some small swordfish swimming on top, and I bought 4 golden fish with long feelers to add to the pool. All went well until yesterday - we discovered the murder of the suckerfish.
The fish kept getting lesser and lesser - especially the 12 disciples - one was martyred the day after it came, so it became 11... the next day 9... we joked that peter, james and john were in the fishing boat... and today, 8. The main suspect were the small prawns on the bottom, but they were cleared of that after suckerfish died - too big to actually get stabbed by the prawns. Mum suspects the plant - some seaweed that Dad scooped from the reservoir - the plant grew some fungus looking spots and Mum said it smells... perhaps, the suckerfish sucked the poison from the plants. The two colorful but dumb looking ones also passed away last night, they didn't look eaten though, perhaps they were suicidal and one was actually stuck to the pump. The strangest thing is that, while we are awake - which is really long, until 3 am, the aquarium was observed, and no deaths occurred.
Meanwhile my cat and hamsters are doing well.
=)
It's really an exciting time for all of us, I think I get the most kick out of it, as I have advance notice about the new ones coming, and the rest only know about them when they actually come for cell. I remain hopeful that once they come, they will stay. Afterall, most surprisingly, it has always been the case for this cell. No irregulars - and with God's grace, it will stay this way. 14 people in Sunnydale last night - it was great, Shirley was running out of chairs already... I think we have to sit on the floor soon... =) Definitely I am worried that I'll not be responsible, or say the wrong thing while leading Grow. But I guess focusing on God is better! Which makes so much sense to me, instead of focusing on our human inadequacies. I still want to ask God for more, more miracles, more people to nurture, I don't care if I'm spiritually overworked, or leading New Beginnings back-to-back... this work is so much more fulfilling than any other!
____________________
When I came back from Pattaya church camp, my house had a new inclusion of two aquariums - perhaps my father was lonely in the week, so bought himself some pets. My house has way too many inhabitants now! On the bottom one we just keep tiger barbs and prawns plus one suckerfish. The top one has 2 kissing fish, 12 disciples (bought 12 small fishies with red stripe), 2 colorful but dumb looking ones, one suckerfish, some small prawns, some kampung fish, some small swordfish swimming on top, and I bought 4 golden fish with long feelers to add to the pool. All went well until yesterday - we discovered the murder of the suckerfish.
The fish kept getting lesser and lesser - especially the 12 disciples - one was martyred the day after it came, so it became 11... the next day 9... we joked that peter, james and john were in the fishing boat... and today, 8. The main suspect were the small prawns on the bottom, but they were cleared of that after suckerfish died - too big to actually get stabbed by the prawns. Mum suspects the plant - some seaweed that Dad scooped from the reservoir - the plant grew some fungus looking spots and Mum said it smells... perhaps, the suckerfish sucked the poison from the plants. The two colorful but dumb looking ones also passed away last night, they didn't look eaten though, perhaps they were suicidal and one was actually stuck to the pump. The strangest thing is that, while we are awake - which is really long, until 3 am, the aquarium was observed, and no deaths occurred.
Meanwhile my cat and hamsters are doing well.
=)
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
A sweet prayer buddy for a new season
I will remember the words of my friends, and the concern that punctuates the silences between them.
In this new season of my life, I long for people with whom I can feel comfortable with, who accept my idiosyncracies, and love me enough to tell me the mistakes I'm making, which road to move forward on...those who will walk alongside me in this journey of destiny, also finding and reaching their own.
For the longest time Sheepy has been ever patient and kind to me, perhaps I overlooked these character traits as unimportant. Sometimes I fail to realise the door that was open, and walk past it, only to find that I've missed it... but I won't go back 'cuz I'm looking for a window.
I love conversations with wise people, it gives me comfort and I feel strengthened to face my fears. To touch God's fingertips is all I long for. I always thank God for Sheepy, that He has provided a person to hear me. A cheerleader in a sense. Someone who has gone this way, not too long before...and is willing to lend a hand, a shoulder, a ear...maybe I even need feet 'cuz I get tired easily... After all, I do need it. Always do. And He has always provided listeners of the Sheepy-sort, throughout the seasons. This season it's Sheepy, of course. =) Aye! It's still a little bit strange to be like this, maybe as I get older I have more reservations, or more realisations. Now I know why people look at other people differently when they realise some things. But for me, nothing changes - only a mere wisp of tension in my body perhaps. We talked for more than 2 hours prior to this. He allayed my anxieties about leading cell with 6 newcomers. My own apprehensions too, took a backseat as I focused on God, which should always be the focal point. We sweetly agreed to be prayer buddies. The need was there, as well as the motivation. I hope I can pray, everyday...I used to be able to pray for Giffy, Shann... etc my members, everyday. Somewhere along the line the intensity was gone, I became tired, dispirited, dispassionate. But the anointing, and the motivation is back for I realise the truth behind my identity. And that will be the agenda, to let the new believers and members know about God's purpose for their lives. Their identity. Their destiny. May the Holy Spirit's presence fall so strongly in Sunnydale tomorrow.
Once again, I'm glad to be God's little helper.
In this new season of my life, I long for people with whom I can feel comfortable with, who accept my idiosyncracies, and love me enough to tell me the mistakes I'm making, which road to move forward on...those who will walk alongside me in this journey of destiny, also finding and reaching their own.
For the longest time Sheepy has been ever patient and kind to me, perhaps I overlooked these character traits as unimportant. Sometimes I fail to realise the door that was open, and walk past it, only to find that I've missed it... but I won't go back 'cuz I'm looking for a window.
I love conversations with wise people, it gives me comfort and I feel strengthened to face my fears. To touch God's fingertips is all I long for. I always thank God for Sheepy, that He has provided a person to hear me. A cheerleader in a sense. Someone who has gone this way, not too long before...and is willing to lend a hand, a shoulder, a ear...maybe I even need feet 'cuz I get tired easily... After all, I do need it. Always do. And He has always provided listeners of the Sheepy-sort, throughout the seasons. This season it's Sheepy, of course. =) Aye! It's still a little bit strange to be like this, maybe as I get older I have more reservations, or more realisations. Now I know why people look at other people differently when they realise some things. But for me, nothing changes - only a mere wisp of tension in my body perhaps. We talked for more than 2 hours prior to this. He allayed my anxieties about leading cell with 6 newcomers. My own apprehensions too, took a backseat as I focused on God, which should always be the focal point. We sweetly agreed to be prayer buddies. The need was there, as well as the motivation. I hope I can pray, everyday...I used to be able to pray for Giffy, Shann... etc my members, everyday. Somewhere along the line the intensity was gone, I became tired, dispirited, dispassionate. But the anointing, and the motivation is back for I realise the truth behind my identity. And that will be the agenda, to let the new believers and members know about God's purpose for their lives. Their identity. Their destiny. May the Holy Spirit's presence fall so strongly in Sunnydale tomorrow.
Once again, I'm glad to be God's little helper.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Chapter 2: A crossover
"Destiny is not a destination... Destiny is a journey." - Pastor Bruce Hill
I've been at the crossroads of my life for quite some time now, close to a year and I haven't felt settled, felt myself for a really long time. I'm thankful that through this trying period, I've been given an abundance of trust and being enabled to still continue leading a cell - my dear Sunnydale cell. But deep down I still long for the intimacy of engaging with God via prayer and word, something which I haven't experienced in too long a time. I've made some not-so-good decisions along the way, and God dealt with my thoughts during the camp. I have much to learn in the area of total obedience.
The day that P Bruce spoke about being a cross-over person, I was overwhelmed by my convictions that I became subdued - I think for two days actually, being reflective and perhaps sometimes, too critical of myself. I realised that for some time now I've been leading out of my own self-will and intellect. I'm so saddened by this, it was not my intention to do so, but just that when some things obstruct my hearing from God I just lack the courage to seek Him and confess my sins, but try to do them in a moralistic way which is not lacking in righteousness, but not really following His purposes either. My life, too, is wandering for some time now, and as I reflect on this I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and talk to God, and cry... ... Only God knows how lonely spiritually I was in the last months, despite constant attention from the rest, there is a gap that can only be filled by the supernatural. I do regret some of the things I've done, some of the steps I've taken; even though my life's ideal is to never regret, never live a life of regret. Yet some things once done or said, cannot be taken back and only time can heal, the selfish actions, the insincere words.
I've learned so much. Shared with Shiner and Debster earlier how my cell grew like 'people drop from the sky', and it never fails to amaze me, how I am so unspiritual yet God has blessed me with the numbers. I marvel at the blessings of God, how being a cell leader, I do not have to worry about finding a job, but it just comes, or worry about my family, health, bills... And everything runs smoothly so that I can just take care of the members. I'm glad for that, I recognize the blessing. And for how Sheepy always watches out for me, God has really placed him in my life to support me from a distance. I've learnt from Sheepy how to care for others that are not under my covering, those I'm not supposed to care about. I'd definitely reciprocate these kind actions that has really touched me when I felt alone.
I'm going to embark into another season of my life, a better one, one filled with promises, hope for a better future. New job, new anointing, the phase of life where I find time to spend doing something meaningful for the one I serve. I'm excited to look forward to the challenges ahead, yet I'm uncertain if I am responsible enough, godly enough, wise enough to make the right decisions. I think that I need people, a strong group of people around me who care enough to pray, and who dare to pray knowing that they are sowing seeds into my life, and by that, into my members' lives as well. It's time to start the prayer thingy again! I've asked for Shiner and Debster to cover me in intercession for at least these 6 months, would ask Sheepy and Mw too. I'm happy! Anticipating exciting things to come, the joy of salvation, nurturing people to rise up as leaders... Growing the cell into a district. God, you said, ask and You will give me the nations as my inheritance, the ends of the earth as my possession. I'm so amazed at your grace, that you have given me so many to take care of. Now I only ask, for strength, and wisdom, from above.
I've been at the crossroads of my life for quite some time now, close to a year and I haven't felt settled, felt myself for a really long time. I'm thankful that through this trying period, I've been given an abundance of trust and being enabled to still continue leading a cell - my dear Sunnydale cell. But deep down I still long for the intimacy of engaging with God via prayer and word, something which I haven't experienced in too long a time. I've made some not-so-good decisions along the way, and God dealt with my thoughts during the camp. I have much to learn in the area of total obedience.
The day that P Bruce spoke about being a cross-over person, I was overwhelmed by my convictions that I became subdued - I think for two days actually, being reflective and perhaps sometimes, too critical of myself. I realised that for some time now I've been leading out of my own self-will and intellect. I'm so saddened by this, it was not my intention to do so, but just that when some things obstruct my hearing from God I just lack the courage to seek Him and confess my sins, but try to do them in a moralistic way which is not lacking in righteousness, but not really following His purposes either. My life, too, is wandering for some time now, and as I reflect on this I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and talk to God, and cry... ... Only God knows how lonely spiritually I was in the last months, despite constant attention from the rest, there is a gap that can only be filled by the supernatural. I do regret some of the things I've done, some of the steps I've taken; even though my life's ideal is to never regret, never live a life of regret. Yet some things once done or said, cannot be taken back and only time can heal, the selfish actions, the insincere words.
I've learned so much. Shared with Shiner and Debster earlier how my cell grew like 'people drop from the sky', and it never fails to amaze me, how I am so unspiritual yet God has blessed me with the numbers. I marvel at the blessings of God, how being a cell leader, I do not have to worry about finding a job, but it just comes, or worry about my family, health, bills... And everything runs smoothly so that I can just take care of the members. I'm glad for that, I recognize the blessing. And for how Sheepy always watches out for me, God has really placed him in my life to support me from a distance. I've learnt from Sheepy how to care for others that are not under my covering, those I'm not supposed to care about. I'd definitely reciprocate these kind actions that has really touched me when I felt alone.
I'm going to embark into another season of my life, a better one, one filled with promises, hope for a better future. New job, new anointing, the phase of life where I find time to spend doing something meaningful for the one I serve. I'm excited to look forward to the challenges ahead, yet I'm uncertain if I am responsible enough, godly enough, wise enough to make the right decisions. I think that I need people, a strong group of people around me who care enough to pray, and who dare to pray knowing that they are sowing seeds into my life, and by that, into my members' lives as well. It's time to start the prayer thingy again! I've asked for Shiner and Debster to cover me in intercession for at least these 6 months, would ask Sheepy and Mw too. I'm happy! Anticipating exciting things to come, the joy of salvation, nurturing people to rise up as leaders... Growing the cell into a district. God, you said, ask and You will give me the nations as my inheritance, the ends of the earth as my possession. I'm so amazed at your grace, that you have given me so many to take care of. Now I only ask, for strength, and wisdom, from above.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
In Thailand...
Gonna write really long, miss writing while I was away and there are so many experiences I couldn't even express in words alone...
Happy that I'm back - it seems like I've been away for so long although it's only been a week or so! The last day in Bangkok, bought so many things, mostly for my family, clothes and other stuff they wanted. It was a really nice time experiencing the city with the guys - jojo, frankie and matt. And later febs joined us - she's one of the girls with the shopping style similar to mine - see, like, buy and go. The guys too, it was so funny to see Matt's face light up when we mentioned shopping! Went to the stationery wholesale mart and the Suan Lum night market - one day there isn't enough to see and do all the stuff... no tidbit shopping, no massage. But we did a lot of other things, went to eat Tom Yum and after that sharks'fin soup and bird's nest... It's a wonder we didn't bomb after that. And Frankie discovered his thai 'roots', everyone there spoke thai to him... he should have faked it to get us discounts! Hehe. All in all it was slightly exhausting... one day rushing about the place...I'm really glad everything worked out fine and we got to extend our trip there! Been quietly observing my friends too, realised they have a lot of good points, and after these days of being so close, I'm really going to miss them badly!
On the night we went to HardRock Cafe, I was very introspective 'cuz God really really spoke to me on that night's message earlier... and I just wanted some time to myself so I became quite subdued and serious. Remembered I sat on these 'rocks' outside HardRock, away from the cluster of the people, looking sadly into the distance...then Matt just came and sat beside me, not saying anything for a while. Later on, I shared. (Yes, those girls noticed that too.) Since the beginnning of my cell-planting when there was only me and Frankie, I was so grateful for Matt looking out for me and inviting him to supp with him, always. It's kinda funny in the camp, 'cuz in the first few days he always forgot to ask us along, then had to quickly come and find me and tell me, then I tell Frankie... Later on the girls started to ask me along too, so it was okay.
Tried the foot reflexology in the Pattaya hotel, it was 300 baht for about an hour, quite a steal compared to Sg's, and the style was different - chinese master style was to squeeze the muscles around the acupuncture points but the thai style was just to gently press in the centre of the point. Certain points she pressed, I could really feel it shooting to my bladder, or my neck... or other parts...which really corresponded to the foot-chart. So it was good! I realised that Frankie and Matt are a lethal combination - put them together and it becomes a laugh-a-minute session with both poking fun at each other... me and June couldn't relax properly, we were laughing so hard! They were so scared at first - all the guys, especially Matt who seemed so reluctant to join us, but after much persuasion from Frankie came and sat down gingerly with a sceptical expression. They looked so fearful! It was so funny. The other guys were so so scared too... it was their first time. Hahaha...
There were bedbugs in Frankie's bed in Bangkok... But thankfully we discovered it as we were chatting in the night together... then they changed room. My room was slightly freaky and definitely occupied by... something else... When we reached, Matt was timed to reach an hour late - as his coach timing was later, so I took a bath while the guys were in the other room. The bathroom was so eerie, I bathed tensely and the hairs on my back were standing for no reason. Halfway though the shower suddenly stopped! Jojo said perhaps there was something wrong with the valve, and he had a problem in the shower as well. My second bath was bad too, the water kept getting hotter and hotter... the feeling in my room was just not good and it was a vey oppressing feeling that lay in the room, especially in the bathroom. Told them about it and the dear SL suggested we should pray for both our rooms. We started with theirs and then went to mine - while we were praying in the bathroom the sense of heaviness was so strong, it was so scary but thankfully the dear SL initiated the prayer and started declaring bible verses loudly in the place. Whew.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Happy that I'm back - it seems like I've been away for so long although it's only been a week or so! The last day in Bangkok, bought so many things, mostly for my family, clothes and other stuff they wanted. It was a really nice time experiencing the city with the guys - jojo, frankie and matt. And later febs joined us - she's one of the girls with the shopping style similar to mine - see, like, buy and go. The guys too, it was so funny to see Matt's face light up when we mentioned shopping! Went to the stationery wholesale mart and the Suan Lum night market - one day there isn't enough to see and do all the stuff... no tidbit shopping, no massage. But we did a lot of other things, went to eat Tom Yum and after that sharks'fin soup and bird's nest... It's a wonder we didn't bomb after that. And Frankie discovered his thai 'roots', everyone there spoke thai to him... he should have faked it to get us discounts! Hehe. All in all it was slightly exhausting... one day rushing about the place...I'm really glad everything worked out fine and we got to extend our trip there! Been quietly observing my friends too, realised they have a lot of good points, and after these days of being so close, I'm really going to miss them badly!
On the night we went to HardRock Cafe, I was very introspective 'cuz God really really spoke to me on that night's message earlier... and I just wanted some time to myself so I became quite subdued and serious. Remembered I sat on these 'rocks' outside HardRock, away from the cluster of the people, looking sadly into the distance...then Matt just came and sat beside me, not saying anything for a while. Later on, I shared. (Yes, those girls noticed that too.) Since the beginnning of my cell-planting when there was only me and Frankie, I was so grateful for Matt looking out for me and inviting him to supp with him, always. It's kinda funny in the camp, 'cuz in the first few days he always forgot to ask us along, then had to quickly come and find me and tell me, then I tell Frankie... Later on the girls started to ask me along too, so it was okay.
Tried the foot reflexology in the Pattaya hotel, it was 300 baht for about an hour, quite a steal compared to Sg's, and the style was different - chinese master style was to squeeze the muscles around the acupuncture points but the thai style was just to gently press in the centre of the point. Certain points she pressed, I could really feel it shooting to my bladder, or my neck... or other parts...which really corresponded to the foot-chart. So it was good! I realised that Frankie and Matt are a lethal combination - put them together and it becomes a laugh-a-minute session with both poking fun at each other... me and June couldn't relax properly, we were laughing so hard! They were so scared at first - all the guys, especially Matt who seemed so reluctant to join us, but after much persuasion from Frankie came and sat down gingerly with a sceptical expression. They looked so fearful! It was so funny. The other guys were so so scared too... it was their first time. Hahaha...
There were bedbugs in Frankie's bed in Bangkok... But thankfully we discovered it as we were chatting in the night together... then they changed room. My room was slightly freaky and definitely occupied by... something else... When we reached, Matt was timed to reach an hour late - as his coach timing was later, so I took a bath while the guys were in the other room. The bathroom was so eerie, I bathed tensely and the hairs on my back were standing for no reason. Halfway though the shower suddenly stopped! Jojo said perhaps there was something wrong with the valve, and he had a problem in the shower as well. My second bath was bad too, the water kept getting hotter and hotter... the feeling in my room was just not good and it was a vey oppressing feeling that lay in the room, especially in the bathroom. Told them about it and the dear SL suggested we should pray for both our rooms. We started with theirs and then went to mine - while we were praying in the bathroom the sense of heaviness was so strong, it was so scary but thankfully the dear SL initiated the prayer and started declaring bible verses loudly in the place. Whew.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Friday, June 03, 2005
Some sweet words and little notes
Had rather nice days going out with people - met PCL yesterday, she's 8 and a half month preggers... quite big for her small frame... she seems glowing and in the pink of health. I wonder what it's like to be preggers, or even married. A part of me can't settle down, perhaps I've not found my peace yet. Then again, I think I'd secretly love to be pregnant... can bully my husband.. make him drive me around, can pig out all I want. Heh. Well that would be years down the road. My classmate's planning to get married in 2 years' time and we talked about finances, buying a flat, etc. It seems like we have suddenly grown up too fast - in school, and now to the working life, and starting a family - it's all awfully fast! I guess I fear growing old... not the looks part, but I cherish my naivete and old things that disappear all too soon. Perhaps I fear not having enough for the things I cherish - I cannot envision that once I'm married my husband would be pleased that I constantly hang with Giffy, Shiner, etc. Well it's still not yet time for me, whew...
Been thinking a lot as I always do, it's hard to keep a perspective in check when I'm still rather down and trying to recover from the horrid experiences lately.
Also, I'm counting down to the end of June...
I just need someone to be there for me, spend a little bit of time together with me, doing simple things - maybe a meal nearby, just some sweet words and little notes to show he cares for me, and some prayers would be nice as well. Is that too difficult?
Well, I'm not really really perturbed by anything as I know these feelings will pass and it will actually last for only a short short while and then a new season will beckon. My main aim in life is to be happy. Not at others' expense, of course...although it doesn't hurt to be courted by someone who's really interested in keeping you.
Been thinking a lot as I always do, it's hard to keep a perspective in check when I'm still rather down and trying to recover from the horrid experiences lately.
Also, I'm counting down to the end of June...
I just need someone to be there for me, spend a little bit of time together with me, doing simple things - maybe a meal nearby, just some sweet words and little notes to show he cares for me, and some prayers would be nice as well. Is that too difficult?
Well, I'm not really really perturbed by anything as I know these feelings will pass and it will actually last for only a short short while and then a new season will beckon. My main aim in life is to be happy. Not at others' expense, of course...although it doesn't hurt to be courted by someone who's really interested in keeping you.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Relieved!
Dad and Mum asked me how I was feeling after I quit and I could only say that I felt relieved. I'm glad that I Its strange that they seem more concerned about me now, about my work, than previously about my studies. Perhaps they are more experienced in this area. I'm really looking forward to the new job and I just hope that everything turns out well. I have some plans as to what to do, being relatively free now! In fact the next few days are chock-ful with appointments I previously did not have time for.
I still need some time to myself, and to rest well.... to seek God. My body needs to regain its optimum health which has not been maintained since the dengue illness. Hair loss is minimal now, almost unnoticeable. Prepping myself up for the camp, going for a 1 meal fast for 3 days starting yesterday... it was good to take some time off to pray yesterday, although I do drift...
I feel that me and Hedge are drifting apart. Perhaps it's natural. All along, I've never really been reassured that it's going to work out, that both will be happy. He's always busy. Maybe I can't accept that or I'm afraid that I will be closer to other people and develop feelings for them because of that. I'm afraid to look deep into my heart and disturb the things that have been lying at the bottom of the surface. Cuz when I do that, I'll be indecisive, and then withdraw from the people I love. Sometimes all I need is time and a listening ear, but the people who provide it, unfortunately, are the ones I have no likings for. It's 3 more short weeks to the end of June. In the meantime, I must get things settled!
I still need some time to myself, and to rest well.... to seek God. My body needs to regain its optimum health which has not been maintained since the dengue illness. Hair loss is minimal now, almost unnoticeable. Prepping myself up for the camp, going for a 1 meal fast for 3 days starting yesterday... it was good to take some time off to pray yesterday, although I do drift...
I feel that me and Hedge are drifting apart. Perhaps it's natural. All along, I've never really been reassured that it's going to work out, that both will be happy. He's always busy. Maybe I can't accept that or I'm afraid that I will be closer to other people and develop feelings for them because of that. I'm afraid to look deep into my heart and disturb the things that have been lying at the bottom of the surface. Cuz when I do that, I'll be indecisive, and then withdraw from the people I love. Sometimes all I need is time and a listening ear, but the people who provide it, unfortunately, are the ones I have no likings for. It's 3 more short weeks to the end of June. In the meantime, I must get things settled!
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