loved/hated/balance

There's this advertisement by New Balance that just has the words 'love/hate'; This is the New Balance and it keeps reminding me of the virtual dialogue I'm having this week with MrCheerful.

He's of the camp that one can turn from love to hate for a person and hate the person with equal intensity the way he used to love the person.

For me, I believe that you can hate someone but not with the same passion and intensity, because only love, only the emotion of love can evoke such strong feelings in an individual.

I'd never be able to hate someone like that... but this got me thinking deeply, guess MrCheerful will never realize the can of worms he has opened. I think in hindsight, I was pretty mean and said and did many mean things in my relationships. It hurts to think that they do hate me, or not able to be amicable with me in the very least... if there are people in my life that I need to ask for forgiveness, a couple of guys come to mind. Thing is, I thought that at that point in time, applying the chinese thinking 'short pain is better than a long suffering'; was a better decision then, however in hindsight I now know how it hurts to cut them off completely, to stop communicating so abruptly. I'm not someone who just shrugs it off and has a 'life goes on' mentality, I do take relationships seriously too. I don't get attached easily, I don't have feelings for people easily, sometimes being robotic is preferable. But it's been quite many years now and I do hope that they find happiness with another woman, something I was unable to provide, because I was deeply unhappy in my relationships.

Getting attached is easily, finding a happiness that lasts forever, is all too difficult. Over the course of the last month, I realise that I care, maybe a tad too much, for this MrCheerful. Aiya. You can't really help someone sincerely if you totally don't care for them, or love them a little, if I can say that... ... not that I'm Miss Helpful...I prefer to be cool, collected and unconcerned, but seeing him at the start of the downward spiral I was in last year, I could not just smile and be nonchalant, because I know what helps and what doesn't, because only bestfriend Zero could help me; and it seems so opportune that he started the sad poet mode days after we got acquainted. Sometimes, I do wish I were a bit more robotic and stop imagining the possibilities. Perhaps we had to connect in this manner, maybe something good will come out of all these sadness. I don't know if that will be a consolation to his weariness but I actually do appreciate a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and is not afraid to tell the world he is missing someone. *claps* This society is so convoluted nowadays that only in lovelorn korean dramas you get guys that are like, constantly thinking of the girl, even in work, can just 'wander' to her house area and 'bump' into her and she is thinking of you too, haha... I bet Singaporean guys are too boggled up in their work to even eat or exercise properly, don't say fall in love until like that, lor.

I guess as much as we are busy with things, we still like the feeling of having someone to talk with, play with and someone who will listen to you.

It eats me that I care, maybe I care, too much for this chap. I cannot take out the caring feeling; and put it into a box and mail it to him, so what am I going to do with it?

I need to talk to someone.

compiled

Get your own - Open publication

created

The antithesis of the matter.

Treading a thin line between idealism and realism.

My ex-colleague and current lunch buddy Huntley, whom I'm possibly going to write for, always has this encouraging factor in him that makes discussing serious topics over lunch such a breeze.

Because there is money in Corporates, he always urges me to try Marketing or Creative Strategies in Banks like Citi, HSBC, Merril L. While I do suit or can adapt to corporates, Life's a stage after all, I can learn to walk in heels, I can learn to stay cool in power suits, I can learn to talk to directors and haughtily eyeball lowly interns... wait, I've done that before.

Why, why not.
You can imagine that the creative ideas I have that WILL work for the Banks, those ground-breaking, new, unheard of and possibly life-changing ideas, will be passed from board to board and up and down until the idea becomes watered down, withered, having no semblance to the originator's original idea. Although I recently read that 'originality has become the litmus test of strategy', I also know brillant writers who are inadept in social environs. They churn out pieces of sheer genius but seem to be weirded out in other aspects. (Or perhaps we are the ones who are weird.) Or perhaps having no friends manufactures their introspectivity into a higher realm of creative juicing.

So instead of having the bright bold passion to infuse old-school Corporates with new ideas, which will not translate into reality, and will get creative/conceptual types depressed, which will tranlate to us being misunderstood, hurt, critical creatures,

I stick to what I'm good at, a mish-mash of biz and design. I can't do totally biz, primarily because I'd daydream most of the time. I can't do totally design, I hate working indoors, I love meeting The People, The Sun, and Starbucks on Friday afternoons.

When people ask me what do I exactly do, I am at a loss for words, currently saying "In a startup I do everything really", but watching videos online is an important part of my daily routine now. And I'm starting to love it, the previous me who a year ago never could stand anything to do with computers.

Reality bites, but I prefer not to have my hopes and dreams dashed by fat men in suits and ties who only think about money and not much else.

heavy-hearted

Droolsome...


Most Sundays, I wake up in the late morning and go out for a walk; buying the newspaper from the 7-eleven at gardens, and eating a brunch with the other locals and foreigners around me, whom I realise, are mostly uncle types who also love to eat and read on a sunday morning. I hate waking up too early but Sunday mornings are lovely, there is just a nice air to things and people are/look happier.

On Sunday mornings, the cake shop downstairs sells 'puttu-mayam', an Indian kind of pancake that seems to be made of tiny, fluffy beehoon-like white strands, which you roll with your hands into an orange sugar. It's lovely, I used to eat them when younger as they were easily available. These days those hard-to-find cheap eats has relegated to a distant memory of favorite childhood eats found in almost every market...

My favorites like 'kueh pie tie', 9 layers kueh, agar-agar, ondeh ondeh, the ham chee peng with glutinous rice in the middle (still found at gardens, though rarely), lamingtons - the brown sweet cake which is covered with coconut bits - Piper pies and Gloria's coffee do sell lamingtons; but they're bloody expensive.

Last week, the prata place I frequent pasted up A4 paper signs on their pillars, stating, 'Plain prata is now 80 cents.' Perhaps sooner than not, prata suppers will become a luxury. I like the cheese ones which makes it worse, price-wise.

2 pratas, a teh tarik (love!) and the newspaper costs almost $6, which makes it unfathomable for me to spend so much for a 'simple' morning out in Singapore, Serangoon Gardens.

Was at my editor's slumber party (21st birthday! Can't stand it) she's editing my Travel in Asia show. Intended to walk home but stayed till the wee-er hours. I was quite amazed at my power of staying awake, perhaps it was the topic of conversation that intrigued me. At first I felt painfully out of place - majority of the people were youngish and female; was not in the mood either to make small talk to strangers, male or female. Hearing snippets of their conversation here and there, I felt that I didn't want to talk to them anyway, many of them sounded self-absorbed in their own issues; stressed up over schoolwork and other church issues - their faces had that scrunched up, whinging look. I felt that talking about those problems to so many people made it rather worse, unfortunately they did not know that...

I wondered if I was like that too at their age - selfish, and always unloading my rantings and problems on others. I guess I was, I can remember being like that.

I think a good thing about growing up is that your perspective on life changes, and at least we learn how to handle stress a bit better, no longer childishly whining to any available listener. I usually just sigh it away and not allow myself to think about it any further. Being introspective of my usually un-thought about actions help, too. I've realised that sometimes being too unemotional and too much of a thinker is not necessarily a good thing. I think I've hurt the guys in the past who have loved me. I thought that making things ultra clear on the way things stand would be better than it being a long-suffering. Now I've realised that perhaps being kinder and letting the relationship go a little gentler would have enabled us to be friends and not strangers. And in a way, that hurts. It's funny how after all these years, I feel a sense of remorse and suddenly felt like saying sorry to them.

After reading Mr Cheerful's sad poems and the comments that go with them, I realised that there were many things I should have not said to make things worse. I wish that I could be friends with the guys whom we've shared some intimate moments together, but I know for a fact that they won't even talk to me. I did try, some years back, to call them and just have a decent conversation, but it was futile. Talking to some of the galfriends my age at the slumber party, I was glad for them that they were looking forward to the whole dating thing. I laughingly told them that I had 10 years' experience and I have possibly pak-tored in every pak-tor location... The thing is, I just want to settle down, enough of the failed romances and teasing butterflies in tummy. Skip the tormenting part and fast forward to a nice home and me with the guy I will love for my entire life, the person who can make it with me, and his love will be enough for me forever. Never expected some simple and sweet poems can stir me up like this. It's better to decide first then act on it anyways than vice versa.

Certain people, when I meet them in life, there will be a certain point where you know that the person will be there in your life or at least your social circle, for some time. Killer Whale, from the time I told him which bus goes to X road from this bus stop we are at, I KNEW that I will keep seeing or bumping into him. And as much as I would like to avoid him, I STILL meet him every week at events, meetings, sessions ETC. The term for it is frenemy -keep your friends close, and your enemies closer, haha. I try to avoid talking to him, it fires me up and wears me down.

Then there's Mr Cheerful, although we haven't met as often, we still interact and engage pretty often. I like it, it's a breath of fresh air for me. Was telling my other videographer, the point where I realized that for better or worse, our paths collide at this point and 'there is no turning back' haha... oh my, I'm still embarassed by thinking about it - I splashed soy sauce all over the table, the glass wall and his laptop while trying to chopstick-hold a japanese roll (I'm not good with chopsticks btw, my house doesn't HAVE ANY.) And the roll decided to JUMP into the soy bowl... At that moment, it was as if time stood still, I was very very very mortified and just stared in shock, meanwhile looking if I had dotted his crisp shirt with soy sauce. (Thankfully don't have.) I still could crack jokes at making his boss buy him a new laptop - but inside I was so... mortified! Wanted to close my eyes and wish myself to another dimension if I could. Aye, that was the point, I think. I think I will remember that moment in freeze-motion for years -_-. I just want to offer some words to Mr Cheerful - somehow, I think he is quite wired like me, and he will get it. At least, if I can make someone a little happier and prevent him from going on the path I did last year, it will be worth it. He's now at the 'start' of the downward spiral which I was on last year, but he does have many friends cheering him on which helps a lot. Maybe I know him at this juncture in life, at this meeting at the intersections, for such a time as this? Maybe, that's the purpose of my being here - or being at that conference which I had to attend on behalf of The Boss. I'm glad that he called, this week, although we did not get to talk.

But I know that eventually, we will. And when that time comes, I hope I can treat another soul with the respect and kindness that he deserves.

becalmed

On the road, KL expressway this year.


I had a surprise call from Ches, who's sailing on some humongous container ship, called me last Friday around after midnight. Sob! It was a surprise really, the incredulity crept its way into my voice. I thought I would not hear from him in months since his last boarding call. And he reminded me of all the things I love about Melaka, the long midnight car trips with him driving, me, feeling the wind in my hair and looking at the Peranakan and Portuguese houses, and James Morrison's piping 'You give me something' in the background. And the birds chirping to wake you up in the morning, something I never hear in Singapore. At my locale now I am rudely awakened to the sound of upgrading works which just ruins the view of my running park. Oh sigh. I live next to a running park and don't use it for running, only sitting down and talking to friends seated on benches like those old uncles.

I am going to run. Partly inspired by the Olympics, partly because a kind male colleague told me running prevents cellulite from forming. True or not, I don't want to reach the stage where I can't wear shorts in public... so, I am going to run. Getting rather wobbly in certain areas also makes the previously-high-metabolism me panic. So I ran yesterday at this park in Clementi/West Coast with Lilo - wouldn't say I ran, perhaps only 100 metres... I also "ran" - taking liberties with the word here - at my downstairs park last Sunday, actually talked to a stranger male who was 30 and work in MFA... nono, I didn't mean to chat him up...there were some policemen in the area and he was talking to them; I just looked quizzical and he told me he ran past a fight going on (further away, not anywhere near my peaceful neighborhood)... anyways, he said he ran 8km everyday and he was training for some gold medal which is worth $400. Quite inspired! Anybody giving me $ for my efforts? Anyone?

Well. I am taking up golf next. Already asking the one who plays in my family to drag me along at least fortnightly. With the economy like this, I shall find other free, meaningful activities to do!

(Golf IS FREE for me because I have TWO sets at home and the 'card' for the bucket of balls is kindly topped up by dear old Dad.)
==

On other brooding matters, am wondering why I seem to be robotic at times. I can't tell if it's a better state than being emo; but at least being emo has its uppances, like girls will be really concerned about the state of your heart and you get endless chats over coffee and whatnot. Okay, besides, that, I am of the inclination that 'having loved and lost' is better than not having loved at all. I guess you will find it at the time when you are not looking for it, hence, the surprise! The ignominious surprise! Why can't we all fall in love when, it's the right time, when we are ready, and available, and have kept up with the current love-self-help books on the market like 'boy meets girl'; 'boundaries in dating'; or, 'his needs, her needs'? I'd rather be in a continual state of cheer and remember the once unrequited - or broken hearted episode; than always be in a kind of desperate mode, looking out for men and wondering why they don't seem to chase your skirt even though you do look good and wear skirts.

I am thinking of a friend's sister, a female in her - 30s i guess, who unfortunately inherited some lousy genes. Okay, she is not fat, but she is ...unfortunately, to many of my bluntly honest guys who describe girls in our social circle with words and allusions you can't even imagine; she is, plain. I guess I feel sad that people are so superficial. Just because she is below-average does it mean she never finds her true love, only those pretty princesses do? On the other hand, Andy Lau (sorry, I never found him handsome hor) is still single and seems to never have had sordid love affairs, so perhaps looks is not into the equation or perhaps it plays too big a part? (Ie, he can't find anyone who 'matches up' to him?)

I hope, I never have that sorrow. I guess born in a time where the ratio of guys and gals is 50/50, I have always had guys for friends, activity partners around so I've never actually felt the loneliness or the need for another male companionship. Perhaps maybe when they all start hitching up and having kids; but that would take at least a few more years for most of them. So it's a reality check, now. To treasure the ones I rarely meet and remind me of the places I love, like Ches. To always meet with supporters like Zero, Kie and the rest of the churchy ones.

Life's too short to waste it on this kind of pointless suffering. Unrequited love needs to be stomped upon and cast aside, then we all can see the beauty of the relationships that we do have, at work, or at play.

deciphered

Since my new friend MrCheerful is a sad poet, I shall rise to the spirit of poem-writing and recollect mine over the years - most in archives. These poems reflect the emotional state I was in at that point of time, and they are a release of the intensity I felt during that time.

I've lost the touch for writing emotionally since last year, but I hope to bring it back - not only do I need it for work, I believe that storytelling is a way to bring a little cheer, and a little hope to some damaged souls.


Hello,Stranger
Poem, copyright mine.

Hello stranger
It's a long way back home
What are you doing here, I wonder
Am I supposed to be here too?
Hello stranger
I just can't forget your smile
If I could catch it and put it in my pocket
It would keep me warm
It would remind me,
that I caught a glimpse of sunshine on the other side
Where there were only walls
I know it's easy to forget things
But sometimes even harder to stop remembering
I see you don't want to feel like this
Is it better if we have no feeling
If we all have walls and hide behind them
The world would not have seen your smile
Hello stranger,
I try to smile bravely
For you reminded me
Of a time where there were no walls.


=====




Monday, February 26, 2007
Pure
Poem, copyright mine.
Promised myself to pick up on my poetry again. So I wrote two today, here's the better one.

Give me innocence
Show me frailty
All I can see in the eyes of a child
I am spinning, my heart aching
To hear you say what you meant
But, perhaps...
You never really wanted to see me
All you wanted was a little piece of heaven in a floating paper boat
A kiss means, many things
Yours meant love - or at least, I thought it was.

Take to open skies
With outstretched arms
Believe I can fly, believe anything you want
For a moment, just breathing
Smell love smell air and fresh green grass
Now any ways...
I am walking on a lonely pavement
But, perhaps
I can imagine it is not so cold anymore.

Show me innocence
Show me anything
I don't know what I want
I only know what I don't...



sept 08 2006
only in dreams
A poem. Copyright mine.

To assume each waking-up moment
Is more pleasant than being asleep
Find that too presumptuous for sometimes
For me dreams make sense.
Dreams, a different reality
Glimpse the places souls rest by
The hopes heart clings to
The lessons life learns, the truth abided by
Dreams are visuals life cannot provide.
Eyes as wise as the willow tree
I look, and see nothing.
You look, and see a thousand maybes
Of what could be and might have been.
Please don't tell me I'm lost till you've found the right way
And I may not follow, I choose here
I only want to linger here
Here, it is peaceful within
My heart takes cover under the flight
Of wings upon high for reasons unknown
Yet comfort I take, freely given it so seems.
I close my eyes and wish for forever
When living streams mean nothing to me
The willow tree in dreams is all I need
I long to stay asleep.



Sunday, January 08, 2006
Cold
::poem, copyright mine::

Aching eyes that see
Visions of what should be
But isn’t. Is not there, does not matter
Realise when you trace your fingers
Upon the roughness of the stone-etched surface
The mystery of the soul
The irresistible power
Of desire
Of a person that can cause you
So much pain and suffering
Yet
You love him
In ways so deep you cannot even understand
I thought I caught
A glimpse of him in that blue shirt
But it wasn’t
Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be
Beyond imagination
Through the threshold between illusion and reality
Grasping the warmth between the covers
Invigorating emotions pulse through my soul
Still running from what is real
Still wanting to be a part of
What is you and me
Not knowing though
The meaning of my fleeting thoughts
The symbology of my nighttime illusions
You call me
Again
Or am I calling you too?


Friday, January 27, 2006
Free
::poem, copyright mine.::

Like the fallen leaves
Dancing a secret dance together with the breeze
I am caught in the whirlwind
Sinking in the silver sands
Holding on to tiny fragile cords
I am lost in your world.
In a place where once all was white
Where all was known and trusted
Now seems fatigued with the twists and turns
It mirrors a maze the way known but forgotten.
In summer seasons the leaves grow green
In winter my heart withered
To lose again, the dreadful ice creeps up on one, unexpected.
Teach me, once more, till I am wise
And no longer wanting the taste of wine
On lips unadulterated
They cause banshees to wail the song
Of love, long lost, unrequited.
For happy is the man or woman
Who has found the love they hope
But sadder still is the one who has given,
Empty branches fade out the distance
And only a faded leaf remains
To tell the story of its existence.


Thursday, August 11, 2005
In the silences between sentences
::Poem, copyright mine::

Nothing to say
Hiding behind veiled smiles
And polite greetings
And clumsy attempts at initiating warmth
I struggle within
To find the real person
Someone I like
Someone I know
A person who knows me, too.

Needing a chance to let you hear me
A moment for a little conversation
Happiness defined in a single instant
Newfound joy at small pleasures,
And immediate answers.

In the silences between sentences,
I look into the sky
And catch a glimpse of your smile.

It remind me of a hand behind the scenes
It reassures me
That when everything fails,
When there’s nothing else to be said,

I can still hear the words that mean everything.






Sunday, May 01, 2005
Reverie
::poem::

The serenity in borderland sends Sara into reverie-
Of newfound love beyond the bend, the wondrous roaming upon faraway lands
Transfixed, both were, by the intensity of a glance:
For a moment then, and hence thereafter
Love struck them, both him, and her.
Fresh, rosy apples plucked in Summer's breeze
With grassy smells and bushy trees
In spirit lulled with invisible joy
They traipsed, they leapt
Thro' the blissful glen
Of woody green
Sara loved so deep, and so true-
But she loved another, too.
One not as fun, nor as fair:
This marked the beginning of her despair.
Her beauteous eyes spied in dismay
Dark clouds that marred her happy days
In merry vale her love held true,
In borderland- she wished she knew.
Despite her joy and smiles untold
She wished one moment just to behold
The other's arms woven beneath her thighs,
The warmth and sparkle in the other's eyes
Knew then, as now, she had to choose
Sara wished - And so the tale goes;
She found herself without him or the other
Just happy by herself, over the border
From the faraway vale to the borderland
Her story was told, to those in love
Choose wisely now, lest you regret
A life of love, it may be sad
Happy dreams lie in reverie
Perhaps for you, more so for me.



Saturday, April 02, 2005
Drops of rain in April
::Drops of rain in April, poem. Copyright mine::

The still breath frosts on windowpanes
And extends like snowflakes on glass
I remember when our eyes first met
Your scent, the warmth of your smile
I close my eyes and try again
To not forget
To keep close to my heart
Your sweet presence.

The distance hurts
Like drawing razor sharp lines on my back
I wish you could read my mind
I wanted you to be happy
Waking moments spent
Suspended; halfway through dreams
Thought you were beside me
Heard your voice
If only it was real
Then I could sleep forever.

I trace the snowflakes with my still-warm fingers
They dissolve, melt away
Like you
Fragile, gentle, beautiful, cold
Tenderly enfold you
Like a small kitten
If we wanted, could we stay this way forever?
Two hurt creatures
Seeking warmth from the bitter cold
In each other finding themselves.

It started, like the morning dew;
Or drops of rain in April
Once seen, it blew a magical dust
I cease to ask how
Or when or why
Just marvelling at a blessing
Of how it came to be.


Far away a sparrow chirps
I thought I heard you say something
But it was only the blowing of the wind.


Sept 2004
Chuchotement imprudent

Parfois
Tout ce qui conte est l’intensité du moment
Brève nuances
Et les touches volées

Sauver
De ce qui conte
Signifie
Ce qui conte
Est avec, mais pas sans

Tout le monde change
Certaines personnes se laisse emporter
Certaines attendent que cela termine
Certaines sont intentionnelles
Certaines vivent avec un mensonge

Je réalise trop tard
Je suis tombé amoureux
J’ai peur de cela
C’est ça mais un moment bref;
Comme une chuchotement imprudente.

finagled

Here Kitteh Kitteh...

MrCheerful wrote a quite-not-so cheerful poem on FB. I'm glad I met him because through (his writings) I am reminded that once, before my depressive state last year, I too, wrote poems of that nature, and short stories.

When I browse back; through my poems, I am reminded again of the intensity of the feelings I felt before, and the reason for writing them. Am not sure if it's the same for him, but putting down those intense feelings into a poem of sorts brings a closure for me. It's like the whole love episode culminates in a poem which brings release of those powerful and scary feelings that ruled your head, and your heart. And what he wrote reminded me of what I used to, maybe not the same style, but surely, in the same context. I'm glad that I've met him, really, someone that fascinates me. Told him I'd consider naming my son after him. So besides my boss, my best friend Zero, and Ches, (all of them have nice guys' names by the way and they have a strength of character, too) he has some serious competition. It's nice to name your kids after people you've known and liked, rather than some weird name or a common name like 'jonathan'. Which I do like, by the way.

MrCheerful's poem also reminded me that sometimes it's nice not to forget, or just to remember, that you once had intense feelings, that you once...loved. I actually hope I am able to love, again, at least with the intensity that I used to feel.

So this week I have had many people reminding me of a love topic which is quite amazing. A sign! Stupid Killer Whale proclaimed emphatically, 'you are not ready to settle down.' Maybe he's right, but I still don't like the way he said it. I don't wish to analyze his relationship, but if I was his girlfriend, I would be quite upset that he is not 'at that stage' yet, they are attending a marriage prep course...baffled. I asked him which stage was he at, maybe the 'before, before' stage?

I met Apostle today, somehow I love talking to him because he is so encouraging and creative. He's about the same age as Killer Whale, early 30s, yet they are in such different phases. Apostle is married and has 2 young kids, also doing his own biz. Killer Whale is not even in the stage to propose...oh well.
I can't judge him for reasons only he knows...one reason why I like older guys is because they are in the right mindset, but Killer Whale is no better than my mid-20s male counterparts!

Apostle told me that when I'm yielded to God, only He will know who's best for you, and no one knows how the other's going to be like in, say, 10 years from now. Only God knows and only He has the supernatural insight to know who's best for you for your whole life. Seeing my 'cold feet' at sharing the truth with TBO, instead of saying 'I'm not ready to settle down' like Killer Whale, he instead insightfully said that, it's actually good that I have a reluctance, because that would lead me to make mature decisions in this area instead of following my emotions. Wow. I was so encouraged! Because a part of me also chatised myself for the reluctance, which I felt that it was bad... It's always nice to have different perspectives from people and a positive approach is always welcomed.

And when the day is particularly bad, I always can find nice things to make me smile, and keep smiling... like on FB, me and MrCheerful (still) keep 'walling' each other - I do wonder how long that will last though! And thinking about his offer to pluck hummingbirds feathers to tickle me is just too hilarious. There are hummingbirds in Singapore, meh?

This week, it's nice not to forget.

broken-hearted

Dandelions in a Melaka cemetary on Bukit China. Took it last year Feb'07, was there alone for a refreshing time.

Been introspective lately.

'Batu-hati' is the term people in Bali use for "broken-hearted". When I spoke about this term to a secondary-level class in Denpasar last December while on mission, many in that classroom understood what it felt like to be broken-hearted. And no, my heart is not broken - I would proudly like to think that it simply cannot, be broken by any one guy. It takes a consequence of events to break a heart. And I could see it in their eyes that they understood, the usage of the term, and the after-effects.


Because one has not experienced it, one cannot fully understand.

My MrCheerful posted up a poem he wrote; on FB - an anguished poem, with the nuances of being hurt by something unforeseen, by someone close to his heart, perhaps hurt by the way the circumstance is, and simply will be that way and cannot be changed though one wishes it fervently to... If you were a passerby just perusing it, you would perhaps say that it is a 'good read'... but because some years ago I had understood the fraglity of my feelings all too much, and I had written poems like these too - that I knew what transpired, inside, to be able to express just a fragment of that, outside.

Sometimes it's your life experiences that makes you a stronger, wiser, kinder person.

But you wish not for these life experiences because they only show you the worst side of your own human nature. And Rachel may be the same Rachel you once knew, just that the depression last year has changed Rachel... (hopefully for the better!) I realise, I'm so thankful for this work I do, it brings me to a hopeful future and I have a kindly Boss whom I adore. I'm glad that I have more friends who care about me, more than I realise; and at every point of time in my life I have people who will take me out and sit with me to listen to me. I'm very much recovered now, and I hope to be as brave and as kindly as I can to other tormented souls. Who doesn't wish to be loved and find a happy ending? Maybe I demand too much - when I see some couples around me, I am glad for them as well as the many friends who are taking THAT step towards their final destination. Oops, sounds so morbid. But know that I am truly happy for those of you who tell me your guy has proposed and you're getting married next year and that I am 'one of the first to know', I appreciate that and I will get back at some people with that line, too, when I am ready... ... But I somehow wish for more, maybe I am not that easily contented, maybe I wish for that someone to know me, to read my poems, letters, blog, etc, and to understand, to understand what goes through in my mind! Maybe I request too much - guys don't seem to be focused on such - and, unlike Ms Austen, I will not stay single my whole life just because I cannot marry into a loveless match.

I mean I will love the guy definitely but as he can't understand that part of me, he cannot love me fully....?

Sidetrack: A SugarDaddy has been asking me out to a weekend rendezvous in HongKong which he is going for some work trip...Sigh! I realize that only after my depressed state was over that I keep attracting such attention from...*ahem* older guys almost every week! Close friends will know. Even in KL was targeted by an Iraqi (stupid terrorists!!!) my boss lost his way to meet me and I was accosted by this tall Iraqi - I would say not bad looking HAHAHA but no thanks! And while walking home in broad eveninglight (near my house somemore dammit) got one man stop his car for me and gestured for me to hop in! No thanks!!!

And now our local ex-lawyer turned developer SugarDaddy who lives in Bukit Timah, has a chaufeurred Lexus, is MARRIED, is asking me out incessantly - I can't possibly say I'm married too, can I? My response to him was(Cannot be too harsh incase he wanna stalk me, die la): 'Of course not. You are married. What goes around comes around.' I hope that will kill it. Sick of all these, it firms up my belief that I should settle down soon. And maybe after a kid or two all the accostings will stop...cannot be Singapore men so desperate will still go after a mama with 2 kids, unless she is hot like me. HAHAHAHAHA!

I have a gentle soul, please make my life a little bit more peacefuller. All hamsup men please go away I need some geek-power. LOL!

Perhaps no one really wants to understand the true feelings of their soul.

Saluted

Breaking News: Just this afternoon a Mas Selamat lookalike has been apprehended on Palembang. I know many people are on standby tomorrow because he has not been found, you guys can all go back and rest now!

Palembang is about 2 hours' ferry away from Singapore. Apparently according to the article the man apprehended looks like him and walks with limp.

http://www.kompas.com/read/xml/2008/08/08/22371071/polisi.lepas.orang.yang.mirip.slamet.kastari

Jumat, 8 Agustus 2008 | 22:37 WIB
PANGKALPINANG, JUMAT - Aparat kepolisian Polres Belitung Timur, Provinsi Kepulauan Bangka Belitung, melepas orang yang dicurigai sebagai Mas Slamat Kastari, tahanan kasus teroris yang dilaporkan lari dari penjara di Singapura.

Kapolda Bangka Belitung, Brigjen Pol. Iskandar Hasan, di Pangkalpinang, Jumat (8/8), mengatakan, warga asal Belitung yang tidak disebutkan namanya itu sebelumnya sudah diselidiki lama. Orang yang tidak disebutkan identitasnya itu namun berasal dari Belitung sekilas mirip dengan target operasi.

"Kita kan boleh curiga dan bila memang tak ada bukti akan dilepas. Penahanan tidak sampai satu kali dua puluh empat jam kok," ujarnya. Kapolda menyatakan, ia juga sudah ditanya oleh Mabes Polri terkait dengan temuan itu dan sudah dijelaskan apa adanya.

Ia mengatakan, setelah kasus Palembang telah memerintahkan seluruh jajaran agar mewaspadai kemungkinan masuknya orang-orang yang disinyalir memiliki aktivitas terkait dengan terorisme. Kapolda minta kemitraan antara polisi dan masyarakat merupakan sesuatu yang positif dalam membantu aparat dalam melaksanakan tugas-tugas dan pengungkapan kasus.

"Kita sebenarnya berterima kasih pada masyarakat yang jeli dan peduli. Setelah mereka beri info kita selidiki dan ternyata setelah didalami bukan orang yang dimaksud," ujarnya.

==

A salute to Captain Zero, serving our nation in an undisclosed location, protecting an undisclosed number of people. Your job is tough, but at least it's meaningful.

A salute to my sister who is on standby tomorrow should anyone from Jemaiah Islamyiah want to target our paraders, she has to be paged to NUH to extract the sharpnel from the victims.

A salute to all those posted overseas, including my other best friend Ange. Come back for christmas okie...

profiled

Photo pulled from old hard disk - Was in Aceh, tsunami rebuilding effort of '04. Have a sudden urge to go build a house again. Or just to be somewhere with open skies,doing something meaningful.

Almost halfway through 'Persuasion' by Jane Austen. In summary it is about a lady, strong in character but not blessed by looks or charm, who wrestles with issues of long-ago. Her father is a Baron so some issues were about judging people by their birth and the underlying questioning about what is the significance and which is more important? I'm surprised to find that the issues of yesteryear still remain today, the ruthless questioning about identity and we do still judge people by whether they are the son of the president of the bank or by looks or by work status, somehow I just dislike that, although I must admit that too often I am guilty of it myself.

And I have the unfortunate position of being judged by many today. Was in The Church for an event. Caught up with a dear friend, a tall guy, before that, for dinner so sat with TallGuy. As TallGuy is someone highly respected/admired by all, automtically people would look and see who he's with..right... and that's still okay with me although I happen to be the sit at the back row and go unnoticed, obscure, low profile type these days. He was even being interviewed by The Church media and photographed infront of everyone (I 'siamed' the photographers)...haha actually he was blushing also, first time I saw my old friend blush, did enjoy the moment and saying 'You are blushing' which made him blush further and he denied...LOL. But you can imagine the attention which I really did not like. I feel that people sometimes distract you from the things you should focus on which was the reason I never like attending some events... So of course, MORE people noticed the highly respectable and admired friend of mine and more people noticed lil old me. Because my friend is the person he is, I feel being totally judged by those pairs of eyes - I don't think they were intentionally profiling me or should I have deserved the undue attention if I had not come with him, but I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate the fact that people should profile and judge, and while a part of me wants to play up some misconceptions that people have about me, another part of me wished fervently that I was not in this position. Some people even nudged him and asked about me in front of him! Roar! (Dear best friend, if you are reading this, know that you are subjected to the same scrutiny and people ASSUME that we are having some other relationship than friendship. If you must know.) This just spoils the friendship, makes it awkward for both parties - what to say if someone asks? 'At this point of time we are not attached thank you very much' or 'Not my type'? or worse, 'CMI (cannot make it)'? How hurt the other person would be, as a friend. There is no way to go about this! I even feel bad just wanting to whisper funny random thoughts that I have in my mind, to him! Of course I'm sure he feels bad on my behalf too. Who asked him to be single for SO LONG and respected by all?

Sidetrack: We have the same idea of not letting our kids watch TV till they are about 7 years old, at least.
...

On a brighter note, had a nice conversation with MrCheerful. It's been too long since I've seen a burst of sunshine on the other side, in the usual drearyness and drudgery of daily work. Did tell him so, although I don't even think he has an inkling of how much that meant, to me. Although all of us today face similar issues to what Jane Austen's contemporaries did, I think we 'get rid' of it faster, owing to new technology distractions...the availability of people to rant at by sms- phone-or on msn. So we feel less disturbed/angry etc, but at the same time we fail to build up our character which we can only in a place where there is the absence of the crowd, and the strength of thought. And in these times we find that our character is stronger than we thought it to be, and our spirit more positive than dwelling in those unhappy moments and reliving them by repeating it to countless msn buddies. I'm a low-tech person because I want more peace in my life. I just need one phone which works and one mp3 player which I don't need to read the user manual for and one man in my life who truly loves me and understands what I'm talking about.


Although maybe sometimes listening to what is left unsaid is more important than understanding what was said.

awakened

Hee hee. Cutee. Nabbed from www.icanhascheezburger.com photos of cats in awkward positions.

Quote of the day!

“Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you, and were tender with you, and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you, and disputed passage with you?” -Walt Whitman

Me and MrCheerful (the guy who beamed at me) are now surreptitiously 'walling' each other on FB. If only I've met him earlier? *Soft sigh* I've never logged on to FB so many times in a day just to reply to my 'wall'... Can't say I don't enjoy it. It's a rare thing to find a glimpse of real sunshine on the other side(of the 'wall').

Been wanting to just lose myself in a book for ages; I seem to be letting go of my usage for real language and slipping into blog/sms- mode even while in daily dialogue, incongruously skipping through conjunctions to speak/type faster. Since I am monolingual this upsets me. Rant rant. I chanced upon Jane Austen's 'Persuasion', cost less than $6 at MPH and dutifully bought it. It's scandalous that it's so cheap! My classic- bookreading habit influenced by Ches. Can you imagine a guy who loves reading classics about 18th century romance? I can always remember Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights... Well, since I am trying not to spend too much at Borders, such cheap finds are true gems to pass a solitary Sunday... I still need to find a place in Singapore which is not too noisy/crowded on weekends, an obscure cafe where I can sit all day. Had a sudden longing feeling for the Starbucks at One Fullerton, I used to 'escape' there when the need beckons, once every fortnight or so. And my favorite muscular pigeon sculpture...I haven't seen him in a while. Since moving (back) to tanjong pagar - I seem to be moving back and forth around the CBD -_- Next year should be moving back to Raffles Place so I'd better take advantage of the low prices - $2.50 Maxwell chicken rice very nice, one... and the Tanjong Pagar coffeeshop wantan mee, the yong taufoo under $3. Hee...

Am having quite a peaceful week today. Despite being bugged again by Killer Whale - thankfully I chirped nonsense to him, think he's going to attempt to bug one of my startup pals now.

Have decided to not rush here and there to meetings so trying out a new schedule - one meet a day! Which should give me more time to think through what I'd like to engineer with the people I meet.

And more time to read.

=)

embraced

In the confusion, we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word. -Walt Whitman.


I have this shirt. Tee Hee!

I realize that the corporate arena which I am 'swimming' in now is quite complex. I do like thinking about and trying to figure out complicated things, but while in 'work mode', would prefer to keep things simple. Doing business with many biz owners of startups and creative agencies, I realised that two things help these people to get more business! Firstly communicating clearly is really important. Having a clear vision or a good idea and being able to 'draw it out' to anyone. Boss is good at that and so are many of the people I've met... 2 thing is likeability. I noticed that those who are likeable in many ways makes you remember them for one, and want to meet them and talk to them and eventually do biz with them! Me and Boss always discuss about the 'new faces' we met and it's kinda uncanny that we can sieve out the schmucks from the stars.

It's tough to navigate the waters at work, sometimes I feel like I am swimming tensely in the open seas. I've been upset lately by a 'Killer Whale' type. Looks friendly but don't really know what the whale is thinking...Maybe you thought he wanted to be your pal but actually he wants to MAKAN you!!! I dislike people like that - they only complicate matters. I guess it affects people who are extremely intelligent. I used to be quite complicated but I don't mess with the minds of others - I hope not, anyways. I guess it upsets me because I'm quite straightforward when it comes to work.

Killer whale, I realized, because of the sneaky ways made me unable to trust him much... although, I still do. I guess I prefer to share with people then to be so guarded that a part of me becomes cynical due to their sneaky ways. Well, after some things that happened which I discovered, I became attuned to the sneakiness which I was oblivious to, before. I think everyone's first reaction would be anger and frustration which I was feeling pretty much for a few days. It was almost like a betrayal of trust which you had innocently gave to this person. Me being me, I would like to confront the Killer Whale immediately and rant "EH WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" 'this is damn underhanded!', etc... Thank God my thinker mode kicked in pretty fast and I thought that would definitely not be a good thing to do, I don't want to and don't like burning bridges with people (although some people did burn theirs with me) also, I do care for this person although he is sneaky. In a sense I would like to see him succeed since we are doing biz together. Also confronting high-ego people, they would not see the cheery side of it and probably lambast me in retaliation. So I decided to observe further and test the waters a little to see if the sneakiness departs.

Had some advice from a work-experienced cell mate who said that if it affected me too badly I should just leave the situation. I guess that's true. But like every dolphin who loves playing and challenges, I think I will take the other route - to keep believing that Killer Whale will stop being sneaky and use more ethical biz tactics to win over people and stay swimming in the long run. Maybe sooner then expected, I will give up if this keeps up. It already 'got to me' so bad that I was reallllllly upset. I met this guy at a biz conference this week who smiled at me so cheerfully, like an old friend from a distant land whom you've just gotten to know, and like, and then he's gone for a long time, and then when you meet again you want to just chat till sundown - yeah man! I had THAT kinda impression from MrCheerful when he just smiled at me and handed me his namecard. Woo. This reminded me not to pull a long face and that there are always clearer waters to swim in from time to time for a work-refreshment. Because someone had the smile power to make my week so much better, I think I believe in being nice again and instead of giving Killer Whale the same sneaky treatment, I will give him smile power. I've been recharged! Woo.

I always tell myself that God intended for me to meet the people I meet (and definitely not to have a fling with them) so I always try to work well and successfully with them, or at least, be NICER. I don't know the reason God put them in my life but there must have been a good one!