The Dog and The Angry Man

Sometimes, you never know what you say to someone can change the person's life. For the better, in a way you never knew possible. Lately, been having nice friendships and they tell me things about myself and about themselves; that changes our lives, forever. You know why I dare to open my heart and share? Because you did, first. And that gave me the courage to. =)

Here's a story I received via mail today from a local writer.

==

THE DOG & THE ANGRY MAN



"Watch out! You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me.


"Can't you do anything right?" Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.


"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.


At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him?


Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess.


The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.


Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing.


At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.


But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors’ orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.


My husband, Rick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.


Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Rick. We began to bicker and argue.


Alarmed, Rick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent.


A raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky. Somewhere up there was "God." Although I believe a Supreme Being had created the universe, I had difficulty believing that God cared about the tiny human beings on this earth.


I was tired of waiting for a God who did not answer.


Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem in vain to each of the sympathetic voices that answered.


Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article."


I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.


I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons, too big, too small, too much hair.


As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down.


It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.


I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, and then shook his head in puzzlement.


"He's a funny one ~ Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.


As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?"

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said.


I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.


"Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.


Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it." Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.


Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!" Dad ignored me.


"Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed.


At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw. Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently.

Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.


It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship.


Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.


Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends.


Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night.


I woke Rick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene; but his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.


Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Rick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.


The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church.


The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog that had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers..."

"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.


For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article ~ Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter ~ His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father ~ and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.



Written by Catherine Moore

The answer to everything

If I could tell you the answer, you wouldn't need to ask God.

Don't deny your feelings.
Eh, but don't embrace them too much, either.

I've realised in the last weeks that strong emotions can make or break a person. It's been TOO exciting for me, being a bystander in someone else's love story that may - or may not unfold, and someone else's that already unfolded in a strange way. I can only play the devil's advocate in giving some well-meant but on hindsight deeply unsuitable advice to all parties involved. For spiritedly being spiritedly, is clearly lacking in strong sensing where matters of the heart are concerned. Maybe she has lost her heart long ago and trashed it but, she really cannot sense what's best. Grant is terribly good at this though - I call it 'reading people'. I can read people's vibes, but not when they are in love. Things start to go a little bit haywire from there. For me it's like watching a fast paced foreign movie without the subtitles. After the translation via Grant, everyone's actions begin to make a little more sense.

Being non-conventional (and hating it at times), I realise that using me as an example to 'why the lady did this and what does it mean' is definitely not a good idea. Kie said yesterday, that I was really like a man. Erm, I guess he means that I'm straightforward and...say what I want to say...and nothing else. I am so feminine... though violent at times. Heh. I'd rather they ask me something else. Because even though I've been more experienced than I care to admit, experience counts for nothing when you fall in love all over again. If I told you exactly what to do to win her heart, then I'd rather be the one chasing (but I'm not interested in women.) And if I gave you advice whether you should proceed with the love affair, I think you are not taking ownership for one of the most important decisions of your life, should it come to marriage.

Sometimes I feel that we are too close knit to actually have any unique identity of our own. Yes, we know each other too well... And encouragement is good, of course.

I think I just want everyone to be happy. And not secretive. And definitely happy when you feel like you love someone and you just want to tell someone about it. =)

So, the true answer to everything? Seek God.

If you are serious about the Mr/Ms X, ask Him. Too often, it's not your will but His be done. I've gone against it only to be hurt, mauled, maligned, abused even. Emotional scars and the loneliness after. Just ask Grant. Just ask me. For a year of wilfulness, it's not worth paying the price for a moment of love to have such emotional wounds. But the healing comes, it comes.

It's not worth the sacrifice. And definitely not worth the heartbreak.

So love with all your heart and soul. But love Him first.

And GOOD LUCK!

Said to me, today and yesterday

Today this happened:

Teacher: "Class, construct a sentence with the word 'chance' in it. Who wants to go... (hands raised) Ok, David?"
David: "Please give me a chance to take care of you."
The Class: "Teacher, you must respond!"
Teacher: "Nooooo!!!"

Well, that was me doing my relief work teaching English, tertiary level in a private school. Quite funny because I don't think anyone would say that nowadays. Only in the movies.

Or only in English class.

=)

==

Met up with many of my clients personally these weeks for updates and I think this is the part I love most about my work, apart from collecting cheques... I love meeting people one-on-one without any ulterior motive! Yay! I met Gavin for dinner, yesterday. I pleasantly found out that some of my clients are christians - in fact I think the majority of them, though they did not mention it to me... I think that if your heart is right with God, there are so many opportunities to just talk about God to people. And lately, this proves to be true.

I realised that Gavin said a rather long prayer before dinner and then I asked him what church did he go to. He shared some previous experiences before mentioning ( I felt, a bit sadly) that he was a sunday christian, only go to church on sunday, but during the weekdays it's work work work and nothing else. So I boldly ventured, "Oh, why don't you serve God more?" His answer broke my heart and I felt so much like crying then and there.

He said softly, "I ask myself that, everyday."

Well, I wish I had him in my cell. But I'm blessed to have him as my client! =)
Dear Gavin, I believe you will find a way to serve God, soon.

Elusive

"Love can really CHANGE people." -Grant

Sometimes, when you love someone, it doesn't mean that you have to be with them, or that you/they will actually be happier when you are together with them. I've liked people in different ways because they are special to me. Taking long walks with me through the bushes (singapore has no forests), in the rain, along the pavement, around...my jogging track...and just talking, about life, about love, about everything. Just finding a soulmate in both cheerful souls, looking for a place to rest, for a shelter to hide in, for a shoulder to lean on, for this little moment in time where you feel that, the world revolves around the both of you - but just for this little moment alone.

Is it ever possible to love God the way we can love another human being?
Sometimes I wonder. We sing that we love Him. We listen to what the pastor says. And then? Meeting many of my clients the last month, pleasantly found that most of them are christians and one said something that I will never forget in a long time.

Its been said that sometimes if you did not forget what has been said to you about God, maybe it's the Holy Spirit giving you a nudge.

He (my client) said that if you go to those third world countries such as India, Africa...you will see the people really hunger for God. I mean, seriously, in Singapore, if your church has no aircon, and only a small open air auditorium, I can safely bet that very few people will come. But in those countries, even though the temperature is way warmer than us, the people will pack into the small, non aircon auditorium...

Because they are hungry for God.

I think we lack the hunger because there are really too much things distracting us. Making us hectic. Small issues and problems which become over-psychologised (if there is such a word) in every mature economy.

Actually, I long for the simple life where I can just live in a clean place with fresh air and talk to God everyday. Sometimes the hunger gets diluted. Sometimes the love doesn't feel that strong, that pulsating, when you remember your first love.

A pastor asked me, "so has God been speaking to you recently?"
I replied that God has ALWAYS been speaking to me, its only whether or not I choose to listen (and obey).

That is true.

==

We went to watch "Meet the Robinsons", I loved the plot. I think it's really meaningful, the basic underlying theme of 'keep moving forward', which is Disney's motto, and also one I subscribe to. The part which really struck me was that the 'bad guy' is actually the main protagonist's childhood friend and room mate who became evil because he let a bad incident which happened ruin his entire life up till adulthood, and has so much bitterness, that his main goal in life is to destroy the other's successes.

When you fall in love with someone, ultimately, his character counts. But I think more importantly, YOUR character counts. If you are on the rebound (like me, haha!) I think there are many guys that will be attractive to you. And in the long run, there will be many many many people who will be attractive to you, especially if you have not so high expectations and a huge circle of people you know and like.

There was a guy I knew recently who shared about many things with me when I first got to know this brother. Sourplum told me a lot of sad incidents wherby he was hurt and lost and I wanted to help this person. But after some time, I began to realise that he also treated me as one of his enemies instead of a friend, I was very puzzled by that. Everything I said or did, he criticized and was quite defensive. So, me being me, I focused my attention on some other people. More recently, Muffin shared with me some hard stuff too. Like how Sourplum did. At first, I was quite hesitant and perhaps traumatised in the previous instance, and began to have some doubts about Muffin.

But I realised there was one difference, like how the bad guy in "Meet The Robinsons" turned bad. In the first place, Sourplum harbored all the bitterness and anger in him, and never forgot what others had done to him. So in the present, he became ultra sensitive and even though people made harmless comments with good intentions, he thought they were against him and he became deaf to all of the people who wanted to help him. Whereas for Muffin, though I do not know him that well yet, I see that he has an open heart. Which is why he shared to me in the first place. I think the key is to let your guard down and be sincere with yourself and others. Don't let the past determine your whole adulthood. I have been through a sticky situation before, and maybe I have also took some time, a long time in fact, to get over some things. But keep trying, you will find that it is worth it.

Just as I know, when Muffin shared, he is so scared his heart is turning cold towards God. I wanted to say, I am scared, too. !@$!#$ scared!

But this Easter when I look to the cross, I remember that we are serving a risen Savior. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.



Because He lives, all fear is gone.

Dear all, enjoy your holiday

Wish I had more time to read.

Note to self: I have over 2000 unread email in my gmail...Time to do something about it)

In my email this week:


Dear all,



Please be informed that Asia offices will be closed for Holiday as follows:-





Singapore - 6th April Good Friday



Hong Kong - 5th April Qing Ming Festival

- 6th April Good Friday

- 7th April The day following Good Friday

- 9th April Easter Monday



Thailand - 6th April Chakri Day

- 13th to 15th April Songkran (Thai New Year)

==

We can deduce that:
1. Singaporeans are workaholics...
2. And not very religious at that! (Surprisingly, HK, a mainly buddhist country, celebrates Good Friday and Easter more than we do. Some sort of conspiracy to make us work harder this weekend?)

I guess I'd be quite tired out seeing that I'm going to church thursday, friday, saturday and sunday! Stagger to work exhausted on monday... needing a holiday from the Easter weekend.


No fair. =)

Buynothingmonth

"I'm not here for your entertainment..." - Overheard, from a song.

I'm not going to complain about how tired I am/have been because I consider myself blessed to be able to work to this state.

Just that I wish there were more hours in a day to do my stuff!

Looking forward to holidays (Next destination: Thailand/May CONFIRMED) makes me feel so much better!!! At least, it's work hard play hard!

Been spending quite a lot - or rather, not saving as much as I would have liked - depends on how you look at it - so April's going to be my BUY NOTHING MONTH. Aye, no manicure indulgences. (I just went for one) No haircuts, no expensive items I don't really need, no accessories, no FRAPPES!!!! Died... anyways I 'assembled' a very satisfying and nice wardrobe. I have practically everything I need for work, with some (for example, a beige trenchcoat I can only wear to Sweden, Japan or any of those fashionable places) I don't need. So it's a full-stop for me, apparel-wise.
And I've already bought those sundries or whatever you call it - shampoo, conditioner,soap, etc...Even recently bought bag, shoes, yadda yadda...My card just likes to be swiped.

Except for the little emergency items...where I may need to buy something that will run out (like contact lenses.)

APRIL is BUY-NOTHING month!!!
Limitations:
1. One FRAPPE (Starbucks) a week. (Sighhhh. This is going to be very difficult.)
2. Every meal to cost MAX $8.50 (Exclude drinks...another tough one)
3. Tea break to cost $3.10 max. (Which equates to one-crab mayo sandwich and one green tea/teh/milo/kopi.
4. Only take cabs for work purposes (ie rushing to meets or too dead tired to walk)
5. 1 massage/foot reflexology allowed (after my exhibition). MY monthly facial allowed too.
6. And groceries for my family. That's it!!!
7. And Emergency Fund ($50.)

If anyone wants to join me, I won't feel so broke?
Well, am compiling a list of what I want to buy in Thailand...
hee.

Kent E in China. I think this is The Great Wall. He sort of blends in with the whole photo. Photos are such strong statements and reminders of how people look - they can evoke strong memories of the happy times spent. Maybe I shall try to take photos of everyone.

Someone somewhere out there

Miserably happy?

Was having an interesting conversation/debate with Munchkin - knowing me, sometimes I like to disagree purely for discussion's sake. Were talking about self esteem and how to... find it and whether we have low, or high self esteem. Actually I thought that both low- and high- self esteem is not good but apparently the higher it is, the better. Hating yourself can be one of the signs of low self esteem. Did not tell him this, but yes, sometimes I do hate myself. I wish I was less unconventional, that I had less obscure deep thoughts, more mainstream. Maybe I won't ever be satisfied with a mediocre life - but I hope I can. I hope I can be someone who is more 'normal'.

Sometimes I feel like nothing really matters and everything is a facade. Why do we have to live up to expectations, even our own? And if we don't, does it mean we have failed ourselves? Or is there nothing to...contextualize this in the first place. Maybe I've changed in the last few short months, or maybe I haven't - I've just found a part of myself, back from the wilderness...where I belong? Never really felt at home here, that's why I like Msia so much - but almost at once they can see that I'm not a local, too... So maybe I'm just too cosmopolitan for a suburb city girl. Ideally I would like to live on a farm/ranch for a while (provided good toilet facilities are available!) I've stopped caring about how people view me - I used t get pretty upset. Not that I'm being a jerk now, I care for not hurting anyone around me intentionally. But other than that, I just don't give a shite. =) People can say anything they like and they will, as long as I know my place in God's kingdom. I hope that I get there, one day. I have so much to say to Him.

And then, later, we talked about having a soul connection.

Not sure what brought this topic up but I thought it was a really interesting time. I relish conversations like this. I realised that I can talk like this to mostly guys - maybe girls have a shorter analytical/critical brain wavelength or something but most girls can't handle such conversations for hours. Yeah guys! And so, we dissected it.

I think having a soul connection is very important in a relationship. Soulmate. Especially in the relationship with the man I love and want to spend my whole life with. Penelope said that it's the feeling of being so close that you can just sms him/her little stupid things but it means something to both of you...and someone that you miss, daily, you will think of him the last thing before you sleep and the first before you wake up. For me, I will feel sad and empty inside if my relationship does not have this soul connection. Being soulmates just makes you want to love the person more, and is also the basis for a long, loving, lasting relationship. No matter how it will turn out to be in the future, I know that if he is my soulmate, he will just understand the way I feel, the way I am. And love me, because he is a part of me - we are two halves of the same whole. It is a beautiful thing, to have this kind of connection. You can see it in couples, too. Some have it, others don't. But maybe - as Munchkin and I discussed - some people don't really need this at all. They are perfectly content to find a mate who meets all their criterias, their negiotiables and non-negiotables. And then they are comfortable, in this way. But not for me. Not for Munchkin, too. I hope that when I look into his eyes, I can see a part of myself in him, and know FOR SURE that this will be the last one for me. Too many mistakes make me apprehensive to fall in love again. And perhaps I like people too easily. But it takes more than that, for me.

The story of my life?

My life is NOT turning out like my story... Nooooo.

It's scary when reel life mirrors reality.
It's even more freakish when you write, and then it turns into real life. Man! Maybe this will make a formulaic win for a blockbuster hit.

Anyways I'm at the end of my short story. In my mind, at least. On the MS Word 2007 it's just about 37 pages of font size 24 calbri handwriting, scrambled up paragaphs and sentences. I can imagine the length of time it takes to write a full-length novel. Most people take about a year. I can't imagine spending a year on a story, just writing...

I didn't plan to write that much, seriously. I did attempt to start a novel (twice) once when I was 14. I sent that manuscript to Times, and some local publishers. It was sadly, rejected - which I expected anyways. The next one was some years back. It was titled "Catch a star for me when you sail away", some sappy love story which didn't seem to have enough grit to work out. I did publish a few chapters online which had nice comments from the few people who bothered to email me. One asked what the ending was like. I think the most exasperating part is that, perhaps I don't know the ending myself. But for "Sometimes we think too much", the ending came naturally for me. It's almost as if it took on a life on its own and it wrote itself. And no matter how busy I am, I want to finish writing it. Although the story might seem at times jerky, like a first time novelist who doesn't know how to blend the lines together, I hope at least people can relate to it the way I do.

Sometimes we think too much #4

(kai)

Allegra, can you hear me?
Allegra, sometimes I look at the stars in the sky -now showing up so brightly, too brightly where I am; and I wish that you can be here. It's the simple things like this that really captivates you, isn't it? Those little moments of bliss where you can sit, and stare - entralled in nature's beauty.

Where I am now is near the coast, near the frightening sea you have always disliked. But in the same way that I could never share in your sorrow, I never shared your aversion for the sea. Even at night, in the dark, the big, splashing sounds the dark waves make seem more like a lullaby to me. I wished I could help you, Allegra. I am not the kind of person you make me out to be.

Through the years, I sort of realised all of us have changed, somehow. We were no longer the carefree type of college students we used to be -without a care in the world. Somehow along the way we grew up, and then we realised that we had a choice in determining our future for ourselves. Yours was nicely mapped out, too nicely, perhaps, that you chose to do something else, something many people might have condemned you for. But not me, I wanted to see you happy above all else, to see your curved eyes light up again, like they did so often when you were with him. When time steals the precious things we love, all of a sudden it seems like nothing matters anymore. How could we, both young as we were, face this world and think of it as nothing but a means of survival?

But when all else fails, love conquers all. I think I read that from a book somewhere. I never liked reading, you know. It was Allegra who taught me to love books. She was happy in them, almost in a sexualised way. She took to completely absorbing herself in them, and then when it was finished, look up, stretch and her face showed complete contentment and bliss. It was the simple things in life that pleased her the most. I believe no one wanted to make things this complicated. I hoped to make it better, for her, for all of us. Yet perhaps my part to play in this story of life is just a bystander, watching, evaluating, seeing things happening yet not knowing when it is going to end or how.

Someday perhaps I will have my own life story, where I play a central role, where I am the author of my life. Sweet. For now, I must help them, change their minds, let them know how important it is not to hurt anyone, least of all themselves.

Sometimes we think too much #3

(allegra)

Life is fair – I’ve always believed in that. Some things just come easier to you, some, not. Like how ugly people get really sincere, nice friends.

I guess I’ve always had an easy life. Born in a well-bred family, though only Dad was there for me, I had no lack of anything at all. Blame it on my grandfather, he opened a bank and then died of a heart attack. Guess banking is quite stressful especially when you are a womanizer like Grandpa. So I never really got to know him, mostly only through articles about how visionary a person he was. The Royal Port Bank in New Melalunia is still one of the top banks in mutual funds so, I get a decent monthly income from the estate, though I seldom touch it.

Being born rich doesn’t mean things come easy for me. I still had to study hard like everyone else. After we graduated, a few friends and I pooled together what resources we had to start a small café on the East Side of Harly.

The concept was good, we met and discussed about it for ages. There were six of us. And that was how it all started.

Mark was one of the guys who started the café with me. At first, I hardly noticed him. I never even had an impression of him. To me, he was there, just there. No one talked about him much, as he was actually a friend of Jeff, so we just left it as that. It was only much later, after the café had disbanded, that we got a little closer, then a little more.

So that was how it started. When a chapter closes, another one begins. And although life was good to me, relationships were never easy. I was happy enough to play a supporting role in any man’s life, to be a nice wife with beautiful kids. That was every girl’s dream: of a white garden wedding, and a happy family. Coming from an unusual family background however, did not bode well for me. At the very least, it made things difficult for all my previous lovers. Coming from a close knit community, I had no chance to fit into their average, white suburban middle class circle. For one, I was not purely white nor was I middle class. Thought I could pass for one on first sight. Unfortunately I used to fancy nice collegiate boys with a penchant for running under the sun playing hockey. So there goes. It’s nice to believe in love. Love is supposed to be unrealistic, where two people meet and realize that their lives are not complete without the other. But Life is not like that. In this essence Life has been unfair to me. For my privilege has brought me down in this area. Where money is concerned, most men would not choose someone from the upper class. I know things are changing now, and probably in a few years no one would care. But in my early dating days, everyone did.

The café had problems from the start. It was a great, simple concept, nice hot soups, and the usual scones, donuts, cakes and pies. With fantastic premium blends of coffee and tea. However, we had many issues with the staff and the location was simply too quiet. Well, all of us still made a bit of profit in the end.

Mark helped out the most, at the end. It turned out that he was fresh out from selling off his computer parts biz, and we were the ones left to close the café down. At that point in time, Emily was getting married, Jeff was buried in his banking job, and the rest just drifted away. I don’t even keep in touch with the rest now, only Kai. Kai was always there to help me. After all, we’ve been bosom buddies for years now. I remember that I’ve always cried on his shoulder for some tea and sympathy which he always gave freely, after my horrid turbulent relationships. After each one I vowed to stay away from guys, and I was doing quite a good job of it, till Mark came. And I was not looking for him, either. He was unconventionally nice looking, with a pouty mouth, almost too big but just alright for his slightly above average frame. His hair jutted out in strange angles, and he always had to put tons of hair products to keep it looking sane. I’ve always had thick, flyaway dark hair, thanks to Dad, so I knew what it was like to have hair with a life of its own. Even now I have to put at least three different types of products before setting out.

If I could live life over again, I wouldn’t have chosen this to happen to me. Not like this. Not a love like this. While the love and the emotions were pure, the context in which it was found was not. Call me idealistic, but I had always believed in love. True enough, it was a decision to continue on in the relationship. Was this decision made by me, or him? Sometimes in life when you make decisions, it is not in your control to choose how they turn out to be. Knowing the context, I should have closed the chapter. But knowing me, I just let myself go.


(to be continued)

It's what you do AFTER that counts.

It's what you do AFTER that counts.

Cool, huh.
I coined this phrase.
Well maybe it's been coined before but to me, it seems original?
I realised somethings I should have realised sometime ago.
Well maybe I did but I did not want to think about it. After all, always have trusted in my woman's intuition. My base instinct.

I think if you have made a mistake unintentionally, the best way is to think about how this will shape your character. Don't let the mistake continue on. Try not to hurt anyone by your actions. And most importantly, decide what to do when Life throws you curve balls.

I know it's easier said than done.

But curve balls do show me the shallowness of my character.

I wonder if I keep giving and giving, do I lose a part of myself in the end?
All I can say is that the way things are turning out, it looks like, it's only good for the short story I'm writing. After all, Allegra is in essence a part of me.

But this is like scary, because writing about it and then making it real is worse than the other way round. It's almost as though I am writing about my future, my destiny.

I'd rather have it the other way round.

I shall repeat my new mantra to myself!
Meanwhile I'm happier and more focused in work then ever.
So cheers to myself.

In my heart

Quite tired out by work lately. But the short story is still on my mind, posting new stuff soon.

Aye.
I'm the type of girl that has many guy friends, who seem to love to go out with them, talk animatedly and have no qualms about sharing with the opposite gender life tales and more. In fact, I get awkward around girls, I don't really know how to talk to them (because each of them are so different and sensitive presumably) so around girls I clam up, it's hard for me to talk about my life because if I keep talking - about guys, maybe they think that's all I ever think about. But no, there's more to life.

Just that I like to talk about the boys because it's so much more interesting trying how to figure them out.

And the funny little things I remember gives me my daily dose of laughter. Guys, a little clue to make her fall head over heels for you. Make her laugh. Little giggles and bursts of laughter. Well at least for me it works. I love the guys who can make me laugh.

Now that I have this 'new vibe' - elaborately pondered upon, unintentionally having it though - I think it's quite scary. The number of people who somehow pick it up and ...interesting things happen. I must say that it beats the vibe that I'm out to find a possible life partner and analyse every male specimen I meet. Nope, not for me. In fact now I think that my life goals are becoming clearer, it puts any romantic notions to sleep. Zzz! Because I have many guy friends, I am clearer about the type that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and hopefully help him out in his biz. I am really willing to play the part of the support role, just waiting for the time I can do it! Meanwhile, I'm not really looking. Ogling maybe! =P But often, eye candy gives you a toothache and sometimes heartache as well. Sometimes they are gay too (so sad.) So it's fun for now to behave like the guys I know, and ogle guys for once. It's fun!

Sometimes I wonder what the women really see in Kie, because I know too many women who have fallen for his impish charms, and too many who have kindly but insensibly advised me 'to consider him'.

And sometimes I like to lapse into my own world, just imagining that the body of air beside me is actually an interesting, funny guy who cares for me and loves me like no one else does.

Being idealistic and unconventional rules in a world where rudimentary fragments compartmentalise reality.

=)

So here's a deep thought for the day:
Ask yourself,
Who occupies a little place in your heart... hee hee
Is there a place for God in your heart?

Happynings at The Office

It's now cool to spell words with a Y.

One of the downsides of working in The Office is my little spot at The Worker's Quarters. It was nice but now, almost everyday there is a whole array of loser guys situated in various spots that it makes working there almost like playing landmine - even when you're doing paperwork. Ever felt like your phone conversation is being eavesdropped on, for no reason? It's like that now, all the time, especially when our Quarters became even smaller after upgrading the paperwork worker's area.

And when loser guys get together, they get bitchy. Lots of comments, on each other's clothes, eavesdropped conversations, etc. Lots of well-meant but often nonsense advice dished out to each other. Lots of coffee and smoke breaks, too. It's true that the environment affects a person to a degree. Me, I get really irritated at all the humming done by Loser Guy Workers that I often escape to Manager's area, in fact most of my most productive work is done there. Manager's area is peaceful, spirited, and calm. At least there will not be anyone eavesdropping on your conversation and (you think) taking down notes and discussing about it later during smoke break. Sometimes I like to provide the poor sods with some useful information, like what is the next launch of work to do, more often than not, they are clueless. Lately it does get to me so I tend to pour out my sorrows to Manager. Rich Dad's advice was good, he always told me to be focused and never talk to any of the Workers.


Was thinking it would be nice if I have a friend (not a loser guy) in the Worker's Quarter.

And then, Carpe diem! Je ne sais quoi! Voila! Eureka!

I met BonkY! =)
He was my 'partner' in a game our Departments were hosting for guests, I guess that night was one of the best ones I had in The Office - I did enjoy myself, lots. Found out we had some same ideas, like: 1. We hate to be at the Worker's Quarter. 2. We like seats near the photocopier. 3. We like to drink xx happy juice, and blah blah.

I was quite happy I had a partner that night because I was really tired (lack of snoozing) so when our Managers told me, hey, we got a partner for you, from the Other Department, I was like, "Who? (BonkY - but I didn't know who he is) ..., " and, "Handsome anot!"

The Managers (mostly single beautiful ladies in their 30s) all agreed YES!

One even drooled about his sideburns... (Have, meh?)

Like sometimes you see familiar faces - your colleagues. And perhaps you hope to get to know the pretty face in the other department a little better, or the cool chick in the other other department, you want to find out where she shops and whether she's just all style but no substance or someone with a really nice personality. And then somehow you bump into them and the world's a better place?

Well it wasn't like that for me and BonkY. Me, I did vaguely recollect this nondescript guy - put them in shirt, tie and pants and they all look like copies of each other, handsome or not, I guess I was really focused in work. Or maybe I don't look at colleagues in THAT way, hahaha. So I really did not notice this nice colleague, only that he was constantly surrounded by female Managers (I later found out from him they were friends before.)

So in a way, that aloofness worked for me - think he was intrigued as well. In fact I was grinning most of the time from his expressions and his highly irritating way of saying things. Like in the I-want-to-clobber you way. And yes, he is kind of cute. Aloof-looking too, like me when I'm working, but really funny when the occasion calls for it.

Now, we jibe each other - he makes me laugh, being irritated and happy at the same time. For two days now, he is the first one I see when I come into The Office - a coincidence? Since I've never noticed him before... Or maybe when you are looking for someone, you will find him/her. =) It's nice anyways to have/give such attention. It sharpens my mind and soul and the warm comradeship feeling (and maybe other warmer feelings) just makes me... more motivated in my work! Yes! I'm going to excel! And beat him...yessss!

Work aside, I've always wished that I have someone to talk to/hug/scream at during a Bad Day, so now there's bonkY!

Earlier in the afternoon, we 'saw' each other in the main corridor - I was coming back from a meeting, and he was going to one. So cute, he saw me first, grinned till his mini eyes almost disappeared, cocked his head to one side and waved at me till I was nearer. I waved back. Asked him for his email add. He said, Oh, I thought you have it? Really irritating. (But fun to have someone to scream at)I said, Of course I don't have, if I had it, do you think I will ask you for it? He wanted to mark my hand with it as we had no paper but in the end we asked one from the Receptionist.
Then later he said something slightly naughty and I grabbed the paper and ran away, shrieking.

I hope this one Worker friend I have will be a boon to my biz. bonkY! I really like him, man.

And he made me wonder...When a guy comments on your shoes/sandals, is he REALLY looking at your legs?


Hee...

Sometimes we think too much #2

(allegra)

I had always believed that Love was a decision, not a feeling. I thought I could control my destiny, choose my fate, believe in my dreams and decide on a blissful future.

Faces. Look all around you. Don’t the faces all seem so nonchalant, so absorbed in their self interests, so bored with life, just walking pass you aimlessly, towards a destination that is not theirs? I used to watch these faces pass me by when I could still afford the luxury of a designer coffee. I need my mocha fix sometimes. It intrigued me how these faces reflect who they really are. If you are scheming, somehow there is that glint of the eye, or a mean streak that can be glimpsed, if you bother to look hard enough. I like people with poise. Not those hurried, scattered personalities who just walk quick paces without noticing their surroundings. Perhaps they hurry through life with eyes opened, yet seeing nothing at all.


I am like that at times.

When I am absorbed in a beautiful song, or when someone has occupied a place in my heart. Love – I had believed in it, yet it had let me down.

And with searching eyes, I was looking through the crowd for someone like me. Who saw things the way I do. A soulmate perhaps? It seems so contrived, but I do believe that one exists –or more than one, though from the way things seem to be, even one would be difficult to find.

It is always a surprise to me to find someone who could listen to my nonsense, or even bother to know me better. Yes, I fit the stereotype of a misfit – albeit with an angelic face. Apart from my long locks of raven hair framing my face, betraying my femininity, the rest of me is rather tomboyish, except for the figure, of course. I mean, if I had bothered to dress up, maybe show more skin, those lounge lizards and paperbag guys – men with the personality of a paperbag would come and offer to buy me more coffee, maybe. But anyways, being thin and almost hairless everywhere else, I am always freaking cold, so I am always decked out in sporty style, leggings paired with a thick blouse and over it, a parka. Comfort style for me. Nice too, most of the times.

So when we fell in love, idealistically, it was meant to last. But it started with an end.

I thought that if you do things knowing what the ending would be like, it would not be so painful. Like you had already anticipated it not to last, so that when it doesn’t, you can be nonchalant about it, and move on in a flash, or at least just savor the happy times and not the ones that tear you apart.

My favorite place to daydream, besides sitting by the creek with that designer coffee, is on the beaten path, along the further way to my house. There I can imagine that there are cute fluffy bunnies greeting me at every wooded shrub corner.

There I can imagine I am walking hand in hand with the man I love.

There I can imagine that Mark is there, listening to me and offering me comfort like no one else could.

Comfort is so hard to find nowadays, isn’t it?

(to be continued...)

Sometimes we think too much #1

In the midst of writing a short story. Writing is therapeutic for me.
Based on own experiences, though some parts exaggerated and fictional ideas thrown in for good measure. For those who are looking for love... find it, and be happy.


#Chapter 1#
(kai)
My friend liked her. And that was how I got to know her. Allegra. Back then, she would look me up, each time her soul needed comforting.
Sure, most girls cry easily. But she wouldn’t cry over spilt milk. Or her own hurt. Most of the times she would cry over others. How she wished she could turn back time and be a little nicer. She was independent enough but I guess in that way she was vulnerable – she could not see it coming. You know, when guys hurt her. Saying insensitive things, or just treating her like dirt.

In some ways I felt that she was not meant to be here. She always felt that way too.
What could I do? She always told me that our friendship would end soon. I never believed her – perhaps inwardly, I did. She had an uncanny knack for predicting stuff that would happen. I was too slow, maybe I did not realize that some months later, we had grown apart so quickly in our different ways that our friendship was no longer what it was used to be.

And how I long for those times, extended times of sitting together on the wooden bench with cast iron curlicue motifs, enjoying just sitting in silence, for she was not those kind who would just blurt out everything she felt. So we would sit there, me just wanting to squeeze her hand or shoulders, looking at her pitiful forlorn face, but never really having the guts to. I thought she would mind, but looking back, I felt that maybe some physical comfort would bring more peace to her stormy feelings within.

Sometimes we still bump into each other now, being neighbors. It was quite a miracle both of us lived in the same district for so long. She is almost too friendly, waving at me furiously and exclaiming that it was so good to see me again after all this time. But we never did initiate another session. Maybe we both knew that then, and now, we were like totally different people.

And what happened to my friend who liked her? I guess they both liked each other at one point in time, just that he never told her about it, and knowing Allegra, she just moved on from guy to guy, trying to escape the pain – although each brought her more hurts and sadness. I think she just lived – simply lived for the happy times, knowing that those times would carry her through the pain.

I used to wonder how anyone could live like this but now I know, that to her, having an interesting life is better than dying from boredom. My wife hates her, I guess most women do, but I think deep down inside they admire her for going against convention, always speaking her mind, and most of all following her heart. I myself would never have the guts to admit liking someone like Mark. I think that is why after all these years, Mark is still in love with her. Even Damien has stayed single for so long – maybe he cannot forget her, or could not find any girl who was like her – the girl of his youth, the one he wanted to marry.

Allegra, Allegra. Sometimes I wonder who you really are?



(To be continued...)

3 girls

 

Outing on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year, with the rest of the cell folks.

Me and MMLee

 

Hello! Don't I just look like my relative here?
We do have a facial similarity, maybe I will grow up to be as influential as him.
This was taken in HongKong, Madame Tussaud's wax museum.

Beach guitar

 

At Sentosa, January. Cell outing.
Wish I could play guitar better but looks like my standard is capped to 'G key'.
Not really sure who took this photo of me but I really like it! I was taking photos most of the time,
so hardly had a candid shot like this. Want to go to the beach more often.

Morning Rush

"Happy people make others happy."
-Anne Frank

Was caught in today's morning rush-hour for once. Oh my...Everyone seemed to be dashing about frantically, not even waiting for the escalator to bring them up safely to their destinations. They hurry up the steps by walking in such rapid pace, that I thought their shoes must be made of a superior material to withstand such pounding, heavy actions. I guess they have got used to it. Me, I am amazed, at not being able to even move my arms around in the MRT, as everyone going to work packed in, literally like a 'tube' of sardines, herrings, tuna...

After meeting my client at 9am (collected another cheque, yay!)...I reached Raffles Place at 9:10...And I had nothing to do. Basically since my office only opens at 9:30, sometimes 9:45, depending on how fast the receptionist can walk in the rain. Not daring to risk it, I found a nice sheltered spot below Caltex House, and ordered a cup of tea. Takeaway? No, I'm having it here, I said to the auntie.

It seems such a luxury to just sip tea without having to look at the time, and watching busy executives take the lift to their offices. Having the insight that I might be hungry I also brought along with me a Japanese curry donut and milk bun from Sun Moulin, bought yesterday.

Having finished that I still had time to kill (Now I know why I don't bother waking up till 8!) and thus started on some paperwork. I'm sure the guy at the next table eating his beehoon breakfast wondered why on earth I did not bring it back to the office to do it... But it was a nice place actually, sort of reminded me of schooldays when I used to do homework at McDs and sometimes, CoffeeBean or sometimes not doing it at all. So the next morning, I would copy faster than a photocopy machine from my classmates. Needless to say, I failed those subjects every time!

So I think the base instinct from those rapid-copying days kicked in, today. I was doing my other paperwork (I haven't sorted it out since last year - not a paperwork person...) in such a 'hurry' that I actually got out of breath, and finished 1 year plus of filing in record time. Yeah! Even have time to shop at the 70% off GG5 sale (Bought work clothes!)

Thought of coming to work early tomorrow too... If I can wake up. It does seem so much more productive than working late. I do enjoy the morning dew smell, but not the tuna train ride. When boarding the train, my leg hair almost got burnt off by someone's hot soup/porridge (I didn't look, so I had no idea what was it) breakfast. Every little jerk the train took, the packet of hot soup would inevitably bump into my leg. Singe. I tried to look discreetly at the lady, but in my mind I wanted to say loudly, Hey...your breakfast is boiling my leg hair off. Haha! In the end, I guess she realised and held it on the other side, to burn some other passenger's trousers.

I guess every other day is the same; morning-rush like this. I'm glad I don't have to face it everyday. =)

====

Am putting starting touches to a short romance story. I write not because I feel like it, or I have/want to, but rather because I have a story in me. The hardest part is actually thinking of the character's names and changing the details from it being a personal account. Reading and hearing so many stories recently I can't help but want to write something that almost everyone who have fallen in love before, can relate to. Here goes... ...

Pure

Poem, copyright mine.
Promised myself to pick up on my poetry again. So I wrote two today, here's the better one.

Give me innocence
Show me frailty
All I can see in the eyes of a child
I am spinning, my heart aching
To hear you say what you meant
But, perhaps...
You never really wanted to see me
All you wanted was a little piece of heaven in a floating paper boat
A kiss means, many things
Yours meant love - or at least, I thought it was.

Take to open skies
With outstretched arms
Believe I can fly, believe anything you want
For a moment, just breathing
Smell love smell air and fresh green grass
Now any ways...
I am walking on a lonely pavement
But, perhaps
I can imagine it is not so cold anymore.

Show me innocence
Show me anything
I don't know what I want
I only know what I don't...

Moon & mountain

Saturday night, after dinner, before sending Jon C off at the airport. Saw a beautiful half-moon almost perched on a concrete mountain. The photo does not do it justice for the sight is really exquisite.

I like U.

Someone nice said to me,
"I like the way you are...Stay that way."

I like you.

Just go ahead and like him or her, la.
I don't know why when people like someone they first have to 'justify' their feelings FIRST before... eh, continuing to LIKE the person?
I cannot like him because of his age...He is too old/young...I don't like younger guys... Or because he has liked my best friend before... Or because he is Malaysian/Indonesian/whatever, ...He is too nerdy for me. Too holy. Too mature. Too immature.
Blah blah. And then, just because the feelings aren't justified, we go out into the world wide forest searching for someone else, to fit the bill?

I guess liking someone can't be defined in that way. If the person fits every little thing you have been looking for... except one - say the two words 'unequally yoked' and most would shudder. But what if you really liked him. For those who have never ever liked a non-christian before, I guess it's just easy to condemn the relationship and 'try to talk some sense' into the person. But for those who have ever liked someone from the 'dark side', you know how difficult it is to overcome it. Same goes for liking someone of a different race, or just somewhat different from you.

Sure, same-same attracts. In a Reader's Digest article this is the point that they keep bringing up. You are more likely to fall for someone in your work place - yes, office romances work out most of the time - or someone you meet pretty often in a social setting ie The Church. Then it's easier. You don't have to worry about say, changing church. Or worry about how your kids will look like? Will the kid have Dad's dark skin and Mom's small eyes? Heh. Usually we like same-same, just because it's easier. After all this is an 'instant-noodle' era. Just pour hot water. We don't want to worry about differing beliefs, different countries. Even in Singapore - must we live in the same district? I've heard ridiculous sayings about how some gals prefer their boyfriend to live in the East than the West. Err, Singapore is already quite small you know... (But I agree East guys are better looking!)

I like you!

I remember saying absurdly many times to a wonderful guy I was with, "I love you." I love you. I love you, I used to say almost every time we met or parted. But I think I said it more to convince myself that this was going to last as I probably thought it wouldn't, because 'we are too different'. So maybe to spare themselves more heartbreak, safe people choose same-same, after all.

I like you...

Strangely how people seem to like the most unsuitable people. I mean, it's strange to me because I hardly like/love people easily, and when I do like them, I like them for quite some time. But some people can like people every fortnight, every month... Isn't it tiring? Told Kie in the car yesterday about a long-forgotten ex-crushee of his, whom I knew liked him because another lady told me - or rather, asked her about it in my presence. It is all so long ago, so I have no qualms about telling him about that now. He was flabbergasted. I think I can keep secrets pretty well - at least I will forget about it instantly and don't even sneak in a snidely smile at the abovementioned. But not wanting to kill friendships, I thought she was totally unsuitable for him. How do you tell friends their liking is totally unsuitable? You are putting yourself in the target area for a lot of bashing up - that would be so un-worth it. So I will just observe many likings and a few relationships 'crashing and burning', and when the person comes to me for sob-pity party, I will just try my best to hold my tongue and say, I told you so.

After a traumatic relationship, only Jelly honestly told me "I'm happy for you." And then he explained why, and I don't doubt his words. So I think when your friend cannot see the mistake they are driving themselves to, it is best to tell them exactly what you think. In this case diplomacy and tact does not really work. It's good to be a woodblock sometimes! =)

I like you?

Having just passed the v-day, many magazines and whatnot this month brought up the topic of love. Even Kie's cell topic was on l.o.v.e! And Reader's Digest tried to 'define' how to find Mr Right and fall in love etc. Normally I would not read such articles, as I think it's all psychology nonsense... but what to do, I had time to kill while waiting for my client in a magazine store. Pretty interesting too! It said that they conducted a test on which individuals were shown photos of people, twice. One with the pupils dilated and one, normal one. In almost all instances they individuals picked those with pupils dilated as 'more attractive' even though there was no other significant difference. RD says that when we are aroused, we tend to look at someone with pupils dilated. Being a dark-eyed creature, I don't think I can 'see' or feel my pupils dilating, and the other party can't see it also? So this point proves the thingy that most people know already, couples staring into each others' eyes and feeling something for each other. It's actually because of the pupils. RD had more examples and some were pretty interesting, others we probably know about already. But I found this the most interesting, next time I shall try to see if my date's pupils dilate without looking too creepy. It's strange because I can never sense whether anyone has a torch for me. I don't even think further why they are being nice to me, only because all my male friends are super nice as well.


I like you.

There is no conclusion to this post, just that when you like someone, many many people will be interested in finding out why you will exactly like this person. It's as though you suddenly became more interesting! And inevitably, they will share with you their past or current likings as well, and it makes both of you buddies in a world where even simple likings have to be justified...and you shouldn't like him because of... (whatever reason). To me, it's just a liking only , anyways, and the fact that you like this person shows you appreciate this person, and both of you are having nice feelings about each other. So why kill it by being objective?

Melaka notebook: thoughts

You've never really been to a place until you have talked to the people.


Frankly quite bothered that I had to go to a meeting immediately after touching down at the Kallang bus station, and then receiving 50+ emails in the course of these 3 days. Seems like the hectic life of working in Singapore is 'all coming back to me now'. Hate it. Wished I could have stayed longer, like a fortnight and to the other nice places.

Still, I shall not let this affect me and think happily of my short solo backpack trip. Lots of interesting things happened, it's almost as though I was destined to meet these nice people.

==

After the short bus journey, touched down at Melaka Sentral bus station. It is now the biggest bus station in Malaysia, I was surprised to hear that. About 4 years ago when I was there, it was a small rural station near the river, near the guesthouse (20 mins' walk).

I stayed at the same place I was at, Eastern Heritage at Jalan Bukit China. It is a long chinese peranakan-style guesthouse with art deco European tiles and design interspersed with Chinese motifs engraved on the walls and doors. I love that place, big and airy and almost ancient - was built in the 1930s and very well maintained up to this day. There were others there: Czech, Austrian, Italian, French backpackers who were also staying for a few days in Melaka. Actually this trip is very meaningful for me because I went up on my birthday - it's like my birthday present! I hope that will be the case every year from now. Also, because of the recent relationship woes, I hoped that my spirits would be lifted by this trip. Was supposed to meet Ches but he had a last minute call to Oman.

When I was walking around later, I wanted to go to the old bus station that I was at 4 years ago, and so asked for directions. But no one seemed to know, or understand me. I met a nice old lady, she was walking in my direction, so I asked her about it. And also about Jonker's Street. She took me there in her car, just said, "Hop on if you are not scared of me." Me, scared of a little old lady? She was really nice and told me about the developments in Melaka. Now, it is becoming a bit like Johor or KL, there are more robberies, more bad people. It is considered unsafe for a person to walk the streets alone, especially at night. But somehow, though I have heard that in Johor too, (I've walked alone in Johor Bahru and Skudai too)... I have never met with any danger at all, so I guess God has been protecting me all along.

==

I love walking by myself, around the historic city, seeing all the well-preserved buildings with Dutch and British influences...somehow when I am constantly surrounded by people, especially in a busy city like Singapore, I lose a part of myself - and find myself getting angry, irritated and pushy - perhaps out of the need to survive in the midst of the busy crowd. Surprisingly, I find myself a much better person, more gracious, gentle, affable here in a sleepy town. I hope never to lose that part of myself again, that I will always have a friendly smile and not let the distractedness of the city get to me. In fact, I was brought up here all along but maybe it's a gene in me that would thoroughly enjoy roughing it out in a farm or something.

It got really fun at night, my guesthouse's owner, an uncle, Yen, brought me to some fun places to be entertained. Not the usual suspects, only serve beer and play pool. Some karaoke. Word spreads around fast in the small town for I only sang 2 songs in one of the places, and the next day, the owner of the other place, a kindly uncle named Richard, heard about it. He seemed to like talking to me very much, and for me, I quite respected him. He's Chindian, married a portuguese wife and studied in Singapore, when Beach Road was still a beach. He told me many stories about Melaka and Singapore that seemed to be almost a history lesson (Remember those we learnt) come to live! I wondered how it was living in those times, it must have been so fun for them. Also met many people of mixed - Portuguese and Chinese descent. They looked very different from each other, but had a unique look of their own - quite good looking with a dark brow and chinese eyes with a sharp jaw. I just wondered how their parents managed to fall in love with each other. One speaks Portuguese with little Malay I suppose, and the villager chinese women only spoke Chinese and dialect. So I guess they did it by looks, hand gestures...but they did fall in love and get married. Love is too complicated nowadays, it's nice to see some couples transcending normal cultural, race or age barriers often criticised by today's media. I'm sure the children will face some repercussions - a good looking mixed Portu-Chinese man in his 40s I spoke too, fit looking and nice, said he cannot find any girl who would want him - Malay, Chinese or Portuguese. So I guess for their children they have it difficult. Being Catholic makes it harder too.

Met Kent E that night too, saw a friendly looking tall guy with sipping a beer by himself at the second place we went to. Somehow felt like he was a kindred spirit. Yen wanted to play pool with him but didn't dare ask. So I volunteered.

Kent E is Swedish and he has bicycled (Can you imagine that!) through BangKok all through West Malaysia to Singapore, and then to Melaka, KL, ...The last I heard (email is good) he is heading to Penang. Then Thailand again and China, Beijing. He has really nice legs. Looks like the new James Bond but much taller and better. I think it's really amazing to just do this, alone, in a strange land. He has some interesting stories that he shared with me. Meeting him, I feel that my life is so much enriched.


Turned out we liked each other's company very much. The next day was a really memorable one for me. It's like meeting someone you have known for years - chemistry? I don't really know how to describe it, but I will always hold the memory of that day in my heart ( yeah can't even begin to write it for fear words do not do it justice ) Definitely a special v-day for me, drinking orange juice in a mosquito-swarm newly opened cafe at midnight with a Swede. How I managed to meet him later that day (with the help of Ah Qiang) is a story in itself! Strangely, it seems that we both met, by chance...then again maybe we were destined to meet. Sometimes, I feel that no one understands me...but somehow I feel that he does, in the way because he is like me, too, the kind of character that is almost an enigma.

And these memories of a 3 night sojourn into Melaka on my own will bring sweet thoughts when I am bothered with work, stressed and wearing my blazer, I will imagine just me and my crocs(heehee), battling the hot sun, walking into the unknown and just loving it. In fact, this trip has made me so motivated to work harder so that I can travel more this year.


==
So who says Melaka is boring? It is only boring if you go with old folks or a guided tour (super boring). For a fun, exciting and relaxing time, I advocate backpacking, in twos or solo if you dare.

Melaka notebook

Just returned from a short backpacking trip to Melaka. Solo trip.
Here are the photos first.


Each time I go to Malaysia, I try to visit "Secret Recipe"...Mouthwatering cakes!


And their black pepper lamb pie!


On the first day in Melaka, stumbled across this lovely place along Jalan Hang Jebat that plays nice bossa nova. Had their signature cocktail with honeydew and midori mix, tasted very nice.


A view of the interior of the cafe - Geographer's Cafe.


And from the outside...


Christ Church, one of Melaka's most famous landmarks. Everyday there are tourists taking photos in front of it. Dutch Architecture.


Up St Paul's Hill, a view of the saint Francis Xavier's statue and the old church.


Went to seek some respite from the heat and found Barry, a curator of the Museum of Maritime Archaelogy. We chatted for an hour or two. He said I was lucky, as he showed me a rare find - this coin! Made of gold, from ancient Aceh. Worth about $1000, wow.


Also in the Museum, met a guy who was a tour guide in New Caledonia. He owns a b&b, was drawing me the directions to his country. So maybe I will go to New Caledonia later this year, together with Vanuatu and Australia. =)


Chicken Rice Ball! A definite must-try. The taste is really special.


In the evening, some traffic near the guesthouse where I stayed. Took it while walking back. Did not realise my camera was on 'firework' mode, so the carlight was taken by 'mistake', a nice mistake though.


Took this in the early morning. The guesthouse has two cats, this is Gina with the backdrop of tour and backpacker resources on the noticeboard.


Another drink! Morning tea at the market near the guesthouse (Eastern Heritage, Jln Bukit China)


The market, quite busy in the mornings.


A quaint little postbox.


Famous pineapple tarts being baked at Mrs Goh's. I brought home a large can for Mum.


View of the river. The old ship reflected is a Ship Museum. Melaka is Museum country..they have 20 museums. I only managed to visit 3 (I find Museums slightly boring)


My namesake from hundreds of years ago. At the Dutch cemetery, probably Brit or Dutch descent. I saw some of the names and ages, a lot of the people died in their 20s, 30s and also, many kids and babies. I guess at that time, medicine could not heal people, like now.


This is Kent E from Sweden. Enjoyed the time we spent for a couple of days.


Ah Qiang, a local Chinese Melakan. Long story of how we met. I seem to have met many people, angels, in Melaka. He only speaks Chinese so I had some difficulty chatting to him. But we managed.


Bukit China where all the chinese cemeteries were. Found this - I think it is a Dandelion? Beautiful!!!


Sunset, Bukit China at the top. Looks much better than this photo. I wish I could see sunsets everyday. Especially with a loved one, I find it romantic. (Another one is to see the stars at night!)



The last morning I was there, cab in the background took me to Central for the bus home. Kent E traveled from Bangkok through Malaysia to Singapore on this bicycle.

Love the place, love the people.

God-willing

To fulfil God's will...

Found a vcd in the "Bible Series" - Jeremiah. With nothing much to do on a night like this, sat down to watch it with my wee brother. Interestingly enough, the role of Jeremiah was played by one of today's more popular and famous tv actors, "McDreamy", Patrick Dempsey (In Gray's Anatomy, Dr Derek Shepherd.) This was a much younger Patrick, and his performance is superb. Couldn't have recognized him though - only the eyes.

I think the story of Jeremiah draws many interesting parallels with today's society, and the show prompts me to look into the Bible and read it again. I sympathize most with the King, Zedekiah - he is not portrayed as an evil and cruel man, but rather, one who goes with the times and also prays, but don't seem to recognize God's voice or messenger. In the end, he repents... but it is too late. Also Jeremiah gives up his family and love, to serve God. Not an easy task as he is punished and in prison... being young, as well... he asks God not to choose him... but he is obedient to God's word. You can say that he is someone who follows God's will. And even dares to speak it out infront of a hostile crowd, people who will say that he is a false prophet, that he is a fool. He is tormented by them, and hurt physically, yet he still speaks, for he believes God's word to be true.

I think that my life needs some of this medicine as well. Like the King, I also seek God. But sometimes, dare I say it, only for my own selfish purposes. I serve Him because I like to... but if He asks me to do something for Him, forsaking my desires, and my family, would I dare obey? The theme of God's will runs throughout the whole show as the fall of Judah to Babylon is because of a whole nation's turning away from God.

What is God's will? For years men have asked of God. Me, too.

I have asked God for His will concerning my life. I have even asked for visions of the future, and small selfish prayers... He has answered every single one of them, even those that does not really matter. So God has been faithful. But if I am asked to speak for God, of God, do I dare to?
And why am I running away, once again, from the position He has called me for?

I remember that once, not so long ago, God said that I will speak up for His people, just as Jeremiah did. Maybe I know these people, their lives and ways more intensely than others. But am I to speak to them? I've seen His words change lives. I am saddened, even disgusted at times by the stupid situations we put ourselves into, all because of superficial emotions like loneliness or in desperation. I wish I could speak, but often I remain silent...not because I don't dare to... simply, I can't be bothered to. After all, does it really matter? Do I make a difference? I remember once when shown by the Holy Spirit, Jong's past sins (That I had to tell him so that he could make a clean break and serve God, after healing and deliverance) ...I told him gently and he was shocked that I could have such insight on his life. Nothing happened after that though...perhaps it is not up to me to change his will, but at least I have spoken about it.

God's will...lately, I pondered upon this. What could be better for us than to follow His will? I am unbelieving! If you know God's will for your life, would you pray to reject it, then choose the life that you want to lead? Sometimes I really doubt that God knows what is best for me! Every path that I've so chosen is unconventional to say the least. Should I take the conventional path in one of the areas He so decides, just to fulfil some part of His will in my life and possibly the lives of many others. Or if I do not choose so, will I come to this path eventually...or totally have something else for my life?

Sigh. (I've also been sighing a lot recently.) Some heartaches are easier to avoid than to live them... But maybe stubborn me wants to live them out... and see my mistakes repeated, as usual!

I know that my Destiny is mine to take, and keep... I am aware of the steps I must take.
Just that I don't want to take them right now? Like Jeremiah, I'm still young. I can wait 2 years, or later... Just let me do the things I wanna do first. Live on the gray line. Walk on the wild side, whatever it's called. Fling around. Try some drinks. Or maybe visit Bovida at St James' first, before I get old. I want to earn more money. Invest more first. Etc... Kinda worried He will call me, before I am ready. What will my response be?

I don't want to be someone great...choose someone else. At least until I am ready.

The best and the worst

If you are so worried about what other people think about you, then why do you act the way you do?

Saw an article in Lifestyle about a movie-speed dating. It was remarked in the 'donts', Don't make a running commentary about the movie during the movie. It is a put-off.

Haha. I hope I don't ever have the opportunity to meet this kind of people. Anyway, I would most probably tell them what I feel.

I think the best thing you can do for your loved one is to...just love them. Girls like flowers, I make it a point to give Jeann flowers every birthday (until maybe she is attached, then I pass on my duty...) I still remember I was asking Sammy who liked her very much (long time ago la) what kind of flower she would like... he replied very conclusively that she does NOT like flowers at all! X! You are wrong there bro!

All girls like flowers. (But of course not everyday, and not those big, embarassing kind of bouquets)

Except those who are allergic to them...(Kie had this bad experience once...dare I mention)
One of my 'toot' guy friends never ever gave his gf of 3 years a single rose. Tsk tsk!

Besides gifts... we all know about the love languages... or what people like to receive and will fall in love with you if you... spend time with them,or help them do spring cleaning, or just give them presents, touch them, haha! Discovering our own love languages help us to better fall in love... if your top love language is quality time, don't marry a doctor who has absolutely no time, and no life (but lots of money so lots of gifts!!!)... ya. I don't prefer that, although I know lots of people who do. Money CAN buy love, at least for some. Driving a sports car can, also... ...

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to make the best of your time while you still have what it takes. Make money while the time is ripe... don't shortchange yourself. Get rid of all unwanted, unneccessary clutter in your life... reward yourself, pamper yourself by doing the things you like to do in awhile, and always upkeep yourself - dun let your looks and figure run away while you are still in your 20s! Coco Chanel once said, and I never forgot this statement: " There are no ugly people, only lazy ones..." If you have nice hair/eyes/ whatever asset, improve it! Showcase it! I think some people ALREADY look like aunties/uncle pattern... I feel so sad for them... sigh. It's time for Extreme Makeover to hit SG? The best thing to do for others... is to show you care. So love yourself too. Smell nice, look nice, carrying a nice handbag and wearing nice dresses really makes me feel good...the whole day! So yes, we can show we care for ourselves, too... otherwise a few years later, it will really be too late.

The worst thing you can do to yourself is...I feel strongly...not to admit your mistakes. Sure, sometimes its because we are over-confident, or really believe sincerely we are right. But these decisions which lead to sometimes disastrous mistakes are the ones hardest to admit. Have I made a mistake in ending this relationship? Or was it a mistake even starting it in the first place? I have no answers. Life is unpredictable. But what's the point of making others miserable if you keep insisting on things that don't really matter to anyone, just to get your point across... Everyone fails. The ones who fail again and again are those who make up countless excuses, and shifting the blame on others. Seem so childish, but all of us are guilty of doing it. What's more important is to be teachable, learn from it then, move on. What's the purpose if you keep thinking about it, making yourself angry over it, ranting and complaining... Some mistakes cost us money. Other mistakes simply cost us our pride. Is our pride so high that we neglect our faults and only see the faults in others? Personally, people who do not admit their wrongdoings and only shift the blame - or those (colleagues, some) I see, never wanting to take up any duties, only those that are self-seeking... I really personally do not have a good impression of them. Often, they are disliked by everyone eventually, despite the good impression they think they have on others. It's obvious when you are self-seeking.

The worst thing you can do to anyone...is to treat them like crap. Peeved at those who never reply my leaders'/my own concerned sms about their lives... Is your spiritual condition so worthless that you don't even bother to make a reply? To not answer emails, sms...simply not polite. Worst, to FFJ. (New term coined by FL.) Fangfeiji, or to 'put people aeroplane', ie not turn up when promised. Baaaad. I think this is the worst case! When you are assigned to host a particular event and last minute, sms you can't make it, without even giving a reason? Is that fair? You should be so lucky that people are only pissed at you, and don't go to 'pay you a house visit.' We are too, too forgiving to such characters. Pardoning them means that they will only do it again, and again to you...Also being 1 hour late, there is no good excuse for that! The good excuse also needs to come with flowers or a treat at least. If time is money and strictly speaking, pay it back la. Why steal other people's time? What goes around comes around, I always believe...If you do this to people, others will also do it to you in future. Not that we should not do it just because we are scared about one day, some one will be like that also... There is a strange character, a young chap who is a manager at a govt-owned company. Somehow, he always promised to meet me for lunch to talk about investing with me. And we chat well, too. But he always never turns up - don't even sms he is not coming... until hours later with some paltry excuse. Well this happened many times until... I did not even have the heart to call this fellow anymore. It's just inexcusable and unexplainable... and I wouldn't want to serve him as a client too!

I hope everyone will take some time to reflect and not be soooooo selfish. It takes many to make up this world...so be the one who will make a difference in Life.

Observe...

Now I know why they call it retail therapy!

Having done shopping as 'homework' most of my tertiary life, I really shudder from spending hours in malls, shopping - especially for clothes... besides our retail scene isn't much in those days, just the usual lookalike brands and whatnot. Shop like a man - I usually key in what I need to buy on Palmer and then shop for it. Shopping to me is a waste of time, and usually stressful with hordes of people blocking your way to things. But feeling down recently, I decided to stop work in the early afternoon and shop before my appointment later in the evening - I had to get some new, new year's clothes anyways. Plus my work clothes were getting rather shabby. So I went to Bugis after much consideration, knowing that the other places would not really suit my fancy. Voila! There was a nice shop - I had wandered in previously, liking the interior design... and found some knitwear tops to my liking. And...they were having a SALE! I like sales! Especially when... I only buy clothes that are on SALE.

And all the colors and styles suited me to a tee...Bought 3 items at 30-50% off, quite delighted they still had new pieces in my size. If you wait till it's 70%, usually it's the last piece or worse, only L/XL sizes. Felt really fulfilled after that, it's like an epiphany knowing how certain women feel, after buying an item they so desire... and at a good price too! Been seeing some good buys around recently. Apart from this purchase, last week I also got 2 new dresses - one more casual and one for work...As well as a red striped blouse with flowy sleeves which I'd probably sell/throw after the stripe season is over. It's dirt cheap anyways, and the material is nice, almost cotton lycra-ish. Now I'm quite a fan of the brand which I bought. Something like gg5 cutting and pricing, but less common. So far I only saw 2 shops -one near The Office which sells a range of shoes too. I think it might be a spinoff brand of gg5 or ness as their colors and buttons covered in cloth look similar. It's more mature and less knitwear compared to ness anyways. Cool, I like... am anticipating next week where I'd shop at the places I'd be travelling to. At this rate, I think I need more wardrobe space. Seldom buy clothes too.

==

Should I feel flattered or bothered by the fact that I realised... Sometimes, we do not like everyone in the world. Right. Generally, I like everyone - or rather, am 'neutral' to those that I see around and are mutual acquaintances. But some guys are quite off-putting, in a certain sense. I never realised why I do not really like these 2 particular persons, until I thought about it... and it suddenly dawned on me.

Mr X is someone that happens to be in my wider posse - meaning we do have mutual groups that meet together for dinner. I like his friends very much and so talking to them, don't really bother about him, though most say he is kind of good looking. Was out celebrating a birthday when he kept on going on and on about himself, how he was heavily involved in this and that event, and how tiring it was, how much brain power was needed, and gave a sort of contented, but disappointed verbal account of his life... He also badmouthed one of his members, who, coincidentally happened to be my ex-member. I guess it was this that led me to think deeper, otherwise I wouldn't have concerned myself with his issues. I really felt his character was shady then. Being a leader, yet complaining about his tasks...in a way that just draws the attention to himself, like he is doing a lot... spending a lot of time...man! I think I am more tired but I don't complain about it. Mr X basically dominated the whole conversation, not giving any thought to those who might want to talk about more cheerful things...like birthdays. Also it's mean to keep on talking about subjects others might not be interested in, and making the whole group listen to you, and then later wondering what the dinner was about? For Mr X to rant...? Sucks.

Also, I think its unwise to talk about your members impending relationship and being overly concerned, by the way, all of the group know the member, but I think it's outrightly embarassing to say about such... honestly, Mr X's whining is unsuitable for his bearing and age. I was half glad to leave the birthday early (a handsome friend wanted to 'comfort' me), even though I really liked the company of the others.

Mr Y is someone who 'tries to be funny' - tries too hard to be funny, this kind of person; and likes to show off his knowledge in front of others, so that some gullible ones will think that he is very clever. But those really clever ones do not have to talk so much. Somehow I was trying to be neutral to him, but I no longer can... I noticed him one day, ogling me - one part of my body (not the boobs la.) I was quite disgusted. I really tried to keep a distance away from him as I was scared if he tried to 'accidentally' bump into me or keep throwing glances...at that part. More disgustingly still, he is attached, although not for a long time. Even if I tell the poor gf, what is the point? I'm also not going to get myself in this mess... Well, I told a guy friend who was also present. I shall just keep my distance from this horrid fellow. I usually don't notice this kind of thing - am quite insensitive, but I guess every woman who reads it can understand how I feel... somehow, you just know it when someone is ogling you, and if the person is someone you don't like, you will have a very yucky feeling. I caught him ogling twice that day, once when I was...adjusting the...attire that covered it... another time when I was sitting down. So disgusted! I can barely think what sort of nasty imagination is going on in his mind. I think the nickname Jeann gave him is quite apt.

I don't think that all guys are like that... I'm sure there are some girls who might be worse, but frankly nowadays I only mix around with guy friends and my female members. I've lost trust in women, knowing their nature. Especially those who claims to be your friends and then in front of you, pretend to be nice. But schemingly or not, badmouth you. Either they earn too little or they are too fat to like me. Eh? Somehow guys are not like this, you can understand... ...

So just observe the people around you... Some fascinate me. Others, their behaviour is so disgusting that maybe only a mother can love them... sad creatures.

Photos - Ting's shop

Some 'overdue' photos.

Yeah this is me... pretending to be boss' wife... lao ban niang as they call it. With the very retro condensed milk tin used for storing coins... so retro that I've never seen it being used before, perhaps wayyy before my time.








A few days before Christmas'06 (2006 seems to be such a long time ago already), Chess and I made a trip to Ting's shop. Haven't gone there in a while! Well, Chess met his old acquaintance from China... and had a lengthy conversation about wildlife...

Meanwhile the man without a license was awfully scared of the stationary white vespa... Heh. I told him to pose like a model and this is what I get.

I love those retro cups made of tinted brown glass with flower motifs on them...and the various knickknacks used to make up this wall/sink. Spot the tingkats and the beautiful designs...

We also found a collectible of our church - would you believe it? It's a ceramic coinbank of Trinity Christian Centre, Adam Road. Quite ancient, they still use the old logo of a white dove on a blue square background. Ting says if he finds another he will give it to me. I hope, with coins in it...

With Ting, don't know why we are so happy over earning only $10 that day!

Haha!