Diverted, diluted...

Going to look at my goals everyday.

It's amazing how a small mouth ulcer can cause one person's body to feel...argh.
The small (okay, not so small) one on my lower lip was so painful two days ago that I refrained from talking, too much. It generated over-producing of saliva - which I had to digest, every few seconds...which caused 'wind' in my intestines, causing it to bulge out... which made me feel real bad.

And I discovered...one baby ulcer at the base of my lower lip. Another one...!
It's an old wives tale that you caught ulcers from dirty food (lizards' shit and what not), no one really knows why you get ulcers, though TCM says it's due to 'heatiness'. I seldom have ulcers, this is my first time this year, so am not taking it too well. But now I know how other ulcer sufferers feel and have said a prayer for them. Poor chronic cluster-ulcer sufferers. I'm glad I only have it once or twice a year.

Plus am pretty quiet these days so I think all my friends are feeling sort of relieved. Realised that when I don't speak, I have more expression in my eyes, so maybe now I should cultivate that: speaking with my eyes. I can't do much expressions though, later all my clients think I'm batting my eyelids at them. At least, I don't pout as well...

==

Realised I haven't been doing much lately workwise, I think it's all the exhibitions and my stint at lecturing that has thrown me off-balance. And of course, the coming-to-terms with the hard life lessons of last year.

It does take awhile to get back into the flow of things. I still think it's a pretty unstable balance between work and ministry, both demands time, and effort - which makes me so tired at times. I think I need to build up on my energy level. Internally, it's always been positive. Externally, I look tired when I don't get enough sleep (it's my fault, I seem to dilly dally around the house at night doing all sorts of things, me nocturnal) I think I need toned arms to carry my bag around! Going to start on a stringent exercise regiment. Which involves two ball games, some gymming, lots of walking (which I usually do already) and some sandcastle building really.

Sandcastle building gives you really toned arms and shoulders, I can build a life sized mermaid from scratch, with nothing but my fingers and a pail of water. Looking forward, the next time I go Sentosa! =)

Life is like this, when you forget about your PASSION and FERVOR, usually you forget that you have a definitive purpose in LIFE to all that you are doing everyday... And then, the days just pass by until one day, you realise that the way you have lived recently is almost similar to the days that you have languished away, working but not really working, living but not really living. And you want to change, don't just fritter the years away until you are middle-aged but not having anything to show for it.

Met up with HK Millionaire, he said I looked more mature lately. I guess it's a compliment to me. He looks sort of haggard and thinner. Guess it's the way he pushes himself to work for his $. For me I know I can push myself too, but maybe not too much for now. After all, some spiritual wealth is more valuable to me. And I guess I am growing up, finally, after my hiatus for one year, of which, I did not accomplish much.

TO BE CONTINUED...

At the Right Time

Warning: A deep, personal sharing

Watched "Priceless", think it's a nice show. I'm quite a fan of Audrey Tatou plus a fan of Balenciaga, Chanel, Stella, Helmut, Jaeger LeCoultre!!! =) Meanwhile, I think maybe it is everyone's secret desire to have a lifestyle of the rich and famous, or just rich and enjoy life, so maybe the show gives us a little peek into 'how' we can make it there. Marry rich! Or just be a companion of the rich. Well for me, I eat lunch with HongKong millionaires and dine with surgeons who drive Lexus cars, those sort of thing...It is quite tempting, but I think the spiritual aspect is more important after some time - like when Irene realises even though she can marry this rich old man who can provide for her, she chooses a penniless, younger chap who is much more to her liking. Well, if I am a rich old man, I will always wonder whether the girl likes me, or likes my money more? I think it is a bit of both, isn't it... =)

Later, we were talking about our EX-girlfriends and boyfriends (Girlfriends for the guys, and so on! Of course!) I don't know how this came about, but I thought the whole dinnertime conversation veered dangerously on this topic. For my ex, it's quite awkward because everyone(from the older clique) knows him, too. I wish that wouldn't be the case, I would be so glad if they only knew him by name, age, and the other superficial details that wouldn't have mattered; like which secondary school he came from.

Actually there are two types of likings, or so as defined by me, recently: One type is you have spent prolonged times with the person, and thus, like him a lot. The other type is that you already have some liking for the person, and want to spend time with him to get to know him more. I mean, there are other complicated types out there but basically, mainly, I think it falls into these two categories. I think I'd be insulted if someone claims to like me when he does not even know me well, even indignant, about it. It's really not the length of time you have known each other, but the depth. And how to get that depth? I have no idea, either.

What makes some people 'clique' with each other, and others, not? Is it our upbringing? Our working style? Or our personalities, or just some complicated thing to do with our brainwaves and yadda yadda that no one can ever discover?

Or as Elk says, "Liking someone can HURT... so it's better not to like". True?

For people who have been rejected, dumped, or hurt before, it can come as a blow, especially from the ones they love a lot. Or even, care a bit for.

Through some words, or some senseless actions, the emotional low can throw many a tough guy off. Despite being...traumatised, to say the least, in the recent past, I think some introspection on behavioral patterns helped me to come to terms with the emotional roller coaster I was on. I'm generally quite...insensitive (unless it concerns me, haha!) and unemotional, so I was quite surprised to discover this side of me that I thought did not exist. Let bygones be bygones, but I hope that my future husband will learn how it was like for me at that point of time, and love me despite how it has caused me to be, now. No matter what, I will have some emotional baggages despite my best intentions. It's not about letting it go, but because of what it has done to you, you will realise how difficult it is to let go of some fears caused by unhealthy (emotionally, that is) relationships.

And yes, I was disappointed too, because I had thought that he was in the Lord's plan for my future. When did I realise he was not? Well, maybe early on. But stubborn me just pushed through and hoped for the best.

Unfortunately when a relationship does not fulfil its destiny, God will also let it die? But I'm glad for the lessons, although I fear I will shrink away from another. Yes, withdrawing is my default mode, please be patient with me (and my fragile heart.)

I'm also scared I will be frivolous and just play with other guys' hearts. I thought of doing that, during my backslidden mode late last year. And I thought that I would be quite successful at it too. Just shut my heart away from other guys. Play, have fun, flirt around. I'm quite attractive to certain age groups and races, I know, I know. But too bad, I'm too intelligent (unfortunate!) to do that, I lack the shallowness of character... ...

True love actually helps you to be a better person, when you love someone, you will understand the goodness that lies within.

I hope that all my friends will embark on meaningful relationships once they are out of the "Lonely Hearts Club." I enjoyed the Lonely Hearts Club meeting, but I am getting ready to emerge too. Listen to your heart, what is it telling me? Love hurts because you have opened up your heart to the person.

And write down your thoughts, because it means a lot to me.
=)

Casino Tornado

In other breaking news, a 'tornado' was spotted by one of The Office's managers, swirling mysteriously around...Yes, you are right! The Casino! (aka integrated resorts) Is this an ominous sign that judgement is to come upon our city? Does this point to...something after the recent spate of events? (Think UNSWAsia's closure)

Should property buyers still invest in condominiums in the area like One Shenton Way, and The Sail???

Your reporter on the ground in Singapore, somewhere around Marina Bay, Spiritedly.

UPDATE: Muchas apologies, my PA told me that it is classified as a 'waterspout',
quite similar to tornado but not as dangerous. IT's really scary if you are nearby it though, although passersby in small bumboats were not affected at all.

waterspout: a funnel-shaped or tubular portion of a cloud over the ocean or other body of water that, laden with mist and spray, resembles a solid column of water reaching upward to the cloud from which it hangs.

Caught up in a moment

If it's easy to do, it's not worth doing...

Sometimes when we are too caught up in the daily grind of life, we often forget how to take a break, have fun, enjoy life a little. Like getting a nice big cup of Avocado milkshake perfectly blended from the fruit juice shop, 20 mins' walk away from the office. Or smiling at colleagues, or smiling at random people I thought were my colleagues (What, I work in an MNC ok...) Well, today someone who looked familiar, like a colleague smiled at me while I was on the travellator, and not wanting to be rude, I smiled back. But I also smiled back, because I was in a good good mood, having caught up on my sleep. Being in my job, sleep is a luxury. And last night I let myself home early and slept till I woke up naturally, which was such a fun thing to do! (Working late tonight makes up for the sloth.)

I guess I push myself (mentally) too hard at times. I keep thinking of work things to do to occupy myself, even though I may not get around to do it. Too positive! The bane of my life! I want to do so many things, but I want to live as well, go for massages, chat with people I love for ages, play with my pets. Go to the beach! And etc.

Realised through my "Muffin Talks" that I needed more encouragement, so recently have been picking up my face from the floor to ask my spiritual leaders and some peers for the help I need. I've been told it's a common predicament that people ask for help, but in actuality do not know what sort of help they need. For me, a positive sort of help I guess. I know where I'm going to ideally, so I'd need some help to get from here to there. It's ironic, I can always easily see how and what sort of help others need, but for myself, I'm clueless. Maybe I need an outside perspective to tell me what is going wrong and what can be improved. And it's astute, how I've been told about things I seem to know - I do agree that I need some push factors at this point of time. Seem to be able to engage in worship so easily each service, just shut myself in, into the presence of God. I long for service to renew me, refresh my heart.

TO BE CONTINUED...

It's nice to have someone to argue with

Bonding through arguing, taking communication to a new high...

Well, I did ask for God to help me. So in this out-of-the-box way to an unconventional person, He did. And, although it's tiring, frustrating, and irritating at first, eventually every argument turns out in a beautifully positive manner. Can't say I don't like it, because no one ever argued with me like that before! It brings out the worst in me, it makes me talk out all my stuff, and in the end I actually feel much better. So don't feel bad for arguing with me Muff, it's nice to have someone to argue with.

Think we did shock HashBrown too much though with rapid gestures, raised voices, and harsh words. It was my fault really, I did cross the 'suaning boundary'. Through our diatribes, we had agreed that there should be boundaries that should not be crossed, in order for no one to be strangled, and each person to be happy, open and still talking to each other. Sometimes, insensitive me being me, I never realised how hurt I can make another person feel, unintentionally. Of course close ones know this, but it's also better to make another feel happy than sad. Poor Muffin, I always like to laugh at him. I only realised it much later in the night and told him I was sorry. But after that, after another 'argument' which came up because of a simple question 'are you ok', we had a deep sharing about God, about life, which almost made me cry, in a good sense. I think God uses people powerfully to impact others in ways they never thought possible, and this is perhaps an unusual way we are able to share - through arguing first. =)

Talking about God, found something my little brother wrote, he said God told him so.
So with a little edit, be blessed:

There are many reasons why I celebrate my birthday...& there are 7 reasons.
I like the number 7.
God's number is 7 while Satan's number is 666.
My date of birth is 07-07-97
My IC no is S97#####G (edited for privacy)
This year is 2007 so when it is on my birthday, it becomes 07-07-2007.
I live at Block 117, Serangoon North Ave 1, #07-XXX, singapore 550117.
I have more than 7 friends!





Cute.
I bought my rabbit cage, it's black wired with forest green bottom and comes with everything except rabbit. Haha.

No one told me it was going to be easy

Aye, like most people, I'd prefer it if things were easier sometimes.

Muff asked if my real dream was to migrate to Sweden. Heh, guess I've been talking about it too much eh? Told him what I shared with with Huntley, one boring evening. I think it's not often that people ask each other about their dreams. And perhaps we should, more often than not, lest we forget. We have a tendency to forget about the most important things in life: God, our family and the ones we really care about and connect with.

I guess I've never really defined my REAL dream. Sure, there are many things I would like to do in this lifetime, many which I think is rather absurd, but all the same, nice to imagine having and doing.

Anyways, my dream, one I have had since I was younger, was that I will build a city - and my husband to build one, too. It may be planting cell, or having different callings to different minitries - I think that this dream is more of a spiritual one than any other. Maybe he's going to build an orphanage while I build a global retail chain, or maybe I plant several churches in Sweden while he stays here and builds up the kids in our local church. Who knows, really... but that's my dream that was placed in my heart. And I'm writing it here today to remind myself, to dream again.

It's nice to see people getting together, one of my favorite moments is to see newlyweds or newly-attached people smiling at each other and talking in secret codes unique to their relationship. Think I'm a believer in romance, in love. Do wish Singaporean guys are more romantic, at least, do the basic things like opening doors for ladies who are carrying stuff on both hands. It's the culture here that has taught us to be independent, but after a tired day out, I would be suitably impressed with a guy who has that something extra. Someone who fetches you home even though he is tired out too, or comes to pick you up or does that extra little thing. Guys, the ladies are watching. And even though you don't feel like doing it, please be sincere in all the actions. As I keep telling HashBrown, we(ladies) can feel your vibe. And it's quite sad to see ladies mistreated by their other half, unknowingly or not.

I've happily been an observer for some time now, in other people's lives. I think this period of time, it's good for me to take a back seat, interact with new people again, rejuvenate and find the self that I've lost last year. It's great to form new friendships, hopefully deep ones, with the people around me that I've just got to know. It's beautiful to realise that your friends have true strength in the midst of adversity. Through trials in their spiritual life, their emotional and relational issues, they still find the courage somehow to pick up the pieces, and recover themselves, recover what was lost. I see my friends, not wanting to hurt anyone, slowly showing the strength through their silences, though the look in their eyes is one of hurt. Talked to Muffin till it hurts too, till I am almost weeping at his sharings, because - I once was in that situation too. And at that point of time I am thankful to say today, I also had a friend like that to support me. I've learnt how to be more transparent, and more accountable as well - something I thought I've always done and didn't need to do. He doesn't know, but he has been a catalyst in changing the way I lead cell sessions. Penelope has remarked on the change, she too, has realised the difference. (The rest wouldn't know because they weren't around, before.) Now, I lead with God actually speaking to me. I used lead with rationality. About knowing God with your mind rather than with your heart...and soul. I mean, it was okay too, the members weren't shortchanged or anything. Just that, now, it's different - and better too. Because each time I share now, I share from my heart.

I marvel at this change in me. A book says that the statement "In every person's heart there is a God-shaped void only God can fill", is true, but truer still is the fact that in every person's heart there is a human shaped void that only another human can fill. We can chat on messenger and blog and email and sms, but nothing beats hearing another person, face to face or on the phone. And we've sort of lost that. Tired out by work and stuff. But still, wanting to connect with people, we have got to take the initiative of doing so.

Went to the Robinsons' cardmember sale with Mom and little brother primarily because I wanted to buy a hard luggage - don't have any and need one eventually - so might as well get it at a discount. Plus I wanted to check out some essentials and non-essentials! Wow it was packed...I must say that the discounts are really good. Next time when I am an auntie I will apply for Robinsons' gold card too, and buy bedsheets, cookery stuff, shoes and lingerie every sale. Hahaha! I could have spent the whole day there if not for work, so I left after lunch. It was quite okay shopping with Mom - my Mom is very 'atas', during sale will encourage me to buy all the branded goods, saying it's a good deal. (Yes, but still expensive if you buy like double of what you normally do.) Anyways I'm learning to be smarter with my money. Apart from clothes; of which I only buy during sales, next time I will buy like makeup, lingerie, books, yadda yadda... during sales. So yeah, and I will have tons of stuff and not more money. The crazy thing about this kind of first-day cardmember sale is that you are shopping with a bunch of crazy people, kiasu aunties who go before it is opened at 1030 am and grab stuff... they are all adrenalin charged man! So instead of being the savvy shopper that we usually are, we soak up the atmosphere and become like them too, scouring around, walking round again and again for good buys! Now I know why some people can shop for the whole day!

This shopping trip helped me to bond with Mom though, usually not talking to her very much because I'm often home late. =) So cheers to Robinson for bringing the family together - and besides my lovely luggage (branded somemore), I got myself really lovable buys I'd never expect, shopping at Robinsons'.

Transgendered #1

Rethinking gender: What makes us male or female?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18618970/site/newsweek/

Same sex attraction: A Christian perspective
http://www.fridae.com/newsfeatures/article.php?articleid=1580&viewarticle=1&nextrecord=0¤tpageno=1&searchtype=all&pageno=1

Two very good reads for understanding 'the third gender' as it is widely called.
Post more of my thoughts later, its late!

I think that Sg will eventually allow gay marriage (since now oral sex is permitted) I do not agree nor disagree with it, I just think it will eventually happen.
I mean, look at it positively. Society will be so interesting! (ha.) Look at how the world is changing and see where you stand.

Stay tuned, to be continued...

Chinesespeak

Correlation. It's a word which explain many things. How we see life. Why our parents named us "----" instead of "----". My parents originally wanted to name me...Abigail. (Abigail!) Yes, hearing that, I am kinda glad that they named me Rachel instead. Despite it being a common name, added on to a common surname, I do like my name. Having this name made it easier for me in Life, I guess. At least to the largely English speaking population. Rachels are seen as cheerful, open, happy, exicitable people with nice hair and great dressing sense. At least the one in FRIENDS.

But who am I today is not largely made up of external factors we largely cannot change - not many people change their name unless they are motivated to do so, and one might argue, motivated to succeed, to 'rebrand' themselves. When I speak to strangers, people on the phone, I guess they remember me mainly because I have a nice tone, and also my name is easy to remember.

What we naturally discriminate against - a realisation

All of us discriminate against other people. Mostly, due to the fact that we have not had much interaction with them. I think the reason why most straight guys are scared, dislike, or avoid most gay guys is because of...Fear. You fear what you don't know. And most straight guys are scared that either, they will somehow be attracted to form a relationship with the gays; or sacred that they gays will like them and do nasty things to them. Of course, speaking it out sounds ridiculous, so instead of doing so, they subtly discriminate against homosexuals by gestures, remarks, jokes, and etc.

We have the same discrimination towards old people - as we do not have a chance to interact with them on a daily basis, for most people. Or other races. Though Singapore is thought to be racially open and non segregated, how many of us can count close friends of other races? Like it or not, we Chinese tend to stick together. Even when we are in an angmoh country, drats. Maybe it's because we share common likings, or just that it is less troublesome when finding places to eat, and other small things that bring us out of our comfort zone.

But zooming into the picture, there are even more intrinsc differences that help us to connect with some, and discriminate against others.

I never knew that I was one of the 'minority chinese' in Singapore, having two parents who spoke ONLY ENGLISH AT HOME to me. Purely English educated. I thought that was the norm really, despite me being in an all-chinese kindergarten and the only one who was not fluent in the mother tongue. Sadly, my English was better than the kindergarten teacher's. And I couldn't understand the rapid, jabbing words of most of my classmates. You would think that this made me lonesome and friendless but noooo... all of them wanted to talk to me, crowd around me. They wanted to improve their English by practising with me!

So having this background and all my life (except for kindergarten)schooling at english-speaking schools, I got labeled a 'banana person', yellow on the outside, white on the inside. But it's not my fault really. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't master the script and flowing quality of my mother tongue. So since I was being discriminated against, I also discriminate the 'cheena' people, those who spoke chinese, and ate mee and rice everyday. Thankfully for me, at least in this society, people like us are considered more 'atas'. So through forces of which I inherited (ie a good head for English but not Chinese), I could break out of the 'cheena' zone and also, find it a breeze (more confident) making friends with people from all over the world who spoke English.

This is just an analysis on language, there are so many more FACTORS that determine our lives. It's not good nor bad, it's just a preference. This does not mean I don't make friends with people simply because they are cheena, it means that I usually make friends with angmohs/banana people because I relate better to them, primarily because I come from the same upbringing. I guess in the next generation there will be fewer cheena people...

So, please misunderstand me because I can't speak proper Chinese (what is proper Chinese anyway, definitely not Singaporeanised Chinese), I can't use chopsticks well because I don't have any to use at home.

Yes, I wonder about my future, about how my children are going to fail, fail their mother tongue which isn't even mine. How we already lose our culture by moving down here to this island citystate, and in a few generations become completely displaced with relatives all over the world. Eventually, maybe I will be the first to leave. After all, I have weird angmoh hair which grows big with humidity (Must be due to the angmoh shampoo I use), I cannot survive without skincare made in Italy, Sweden and Japan...argh, just shoot me. I am more humanitarian (or so I'd like to believe) than most Chinese. I genuinely care about the strays, the plastic bags, and the pollution caused by toxic substances we release into the ozone layer. So maybe it's just me, or was I supposed to be born in another era or another place?

It's language that binds us together, a common shared love and understanding of the things we are fond of, and being able to enunciate them is a joy in itself. So enjoy what you have, while it lasts. I honestly think that the eroding of the mastery of the mother tongue itself hs more rapid than we ever think. No one reads chinese books anymore, except the very old and the china-born. So help us God.

Although I had hoped that I would not lose my mother tongue, I had never felt an affinity with it from the very start. So perhaps it's meant to be, released into the unknown, my attempts to master it, in vain, unrecognized, unreconciled. One day I'd be a better speaker - but that day would not be in my lifetime at the very least.

Just in our nature

Care and connect.

It's fun to be a part of someone else's love story.

Knarf, Grant and I had a meaningful conversation during lunch hour today. You would think we talk about work - noooo, not during lunch. Was analysing different people's behaviours' and how they would react to different 'temptations'. Well, Grant asked if there was a young girl (not me) 'throwing' herself (just an analogy) at a MAN, do you think the MAN would resist... ...? Being men, they said it's hard to, actually. And I agree. Why no MAN throw himself at me? I'd probably be disgusted! Haha! But aye, this sheds light into certain procedures I've observed, especially between the status quo of our close knit family circle. Been close to a couple of guys, but I think I'm still quite guarded, the effects of my previous soured relationship and trauma, and relief at its imminent end-ed. It's nice when people like Muffin takes the initiative to open up and connect to me, giggle giggle. I guess I miss having that. Also Huntley spends so much time with me, it almost moves me to tears (no, not really)... Being guarded for your heart's sake is one thing, but being too guarded so that you lose the chance for a deep meaningful relationship is just not worth it. Of course, luckily for me, I seldom fall in love that easily. Then again...

And when you connect too much with just one person, it's easy to fall in love.

Maybe that begs the question with why you choose to connect with the person in the first place. Or was it just a divine appointment? I'm a believer of miracles, according to my spiritual gifting profile. That's why maybe I'm so blessed with beautiful people around me. I love the friends I made this year, friends I would have never gotten a chance to know better and deeper if I was in a relationship. And that is one of the reasons too, why I enjoy being single (though I enjoy being attached as well.)

Also, I don't believe that we chose to connect with the person... I mean, it's more of like a natural...synergy, chemistry, where both of you like to argue with each other =P or crap with each other, or tease each other or compliment each other. Sometimes we just cannot explain why we are close with one person and not another. Putting discrimination aside, I guess one of the reasons why I can connect with Muffin and Huntley (currently!) is that I find myself in them. We are starting to imitate each other's persona in a frightfully accurate manner. Or get so funky in the office that it seems time is not a determinant in the depth of knowing someone else.

They remind me of a part of myself that perhaps I've lost along the way, or a part of myself that I've not yet found. They inspire me to be bolder, a better leader, a better person. To be more kind hearted, and nicer to others. How you behave is how you react to the way you are being treated/perceived, that is true. And for them, I also believe that our relationship will help us in life, on the path to success. Despite how busy we get, I hope I'd always have time, for them. And vice versa.

My dear future partner, I pray that you will be healthy, strong and bright. Live your life a full, fulfiling and meaningful one. Don't live it for me, live it for yourself and God. I hope you love God more than me. And love me, more than life itself. I want to see the world together with you, walk on endless beaches, see sunrises and sunsets and snow and mountains and eat endless amounts of ice cream and desserts. And hug all night long. I want to love you in the way my hand will fit yours, in a world where money does not determine our happiness, where nature is close by...with animals, with fresh air and happy people.

When Women Cry

Women have the 'If you need to be told I am not going to tell you' gene
=David Bergin, Switzerland (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/3002946.stm)



Received this in an email earlier during the week, not sure if it's actually factual(and no credit given, sorry) but here it is:

Facts on Tears - "Happy" Vs. "Sad"

Interesting piece of information...

"There was a study done where a control group of 100
people were divided into two. 50 people watched a very
funny, tears-of laughter type movie. 50 watched a
very sad and tears of compassion type movie.

At the end of the sessions researchers collected the
"happy tears" and the "sad tears" with eye droppers.

They found that "happy tears" are made up of brine...
salt water and not a great deal else

However the "sad tears" were found to contain the
very same chemicals and enzymes that are found in
tumors, ulcers and other such lumps and bumps and
sicknesses through out the body.

This test concluded that the body, when crying in
sadness etc is literally flushing out all of the
toxic-chemicals that accumulate and are a part of the
sadness /heartache experience.

Therefore if one holds back those tears, those
toxic-waters will find somewhere else to deposit
themselves... .and prolonged lack-of-crying-release
will guarantee that the body will accumulate a huge
amount of internal pollution and toxicity that should
have been released through the tears........ is it any
wonder that the eyes sting so much when we hold back
our tears?"

LESSON FROM THE STUDY:
CRY YOUR HEART OUT WHEN YOU ARE SAD, LONELY, ALONE,
DEPRESSED, ETC..... IT IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH!

I think its common for girls to cry, often, at least in the male mind's opinion.
And sometimes the Men think, too, that we cry for no good reason. Was just sharing on the phone with Snowman, that I used to cry-a-lot in a previous tumultous relationship I had, and was duly condemned for it. Branding my tears from being 'nonsensical', to 'creating a scene', to 'crocodile tears', Xerxes condemned it hugely due to the fact (I presume) that: No. 1, he doesn't cry... No. 2, he doesn't know how to show sympathy/awareness for my situation.

I told Snowman, never tell a girl "Stop crying." It has about the same effect as asking you not to think of a pink elephant sitting in front of you (Yes, you can imagine one now, right!) It only makes the Woman remember why she is crying in the first place, and cry more. Please, a hug would be so much better. Also, I felt very very rejected when Xerxes kept adding insult to injury by saying my tears were fake, etc. Dear all Men, no Woman wants to cry for fun, especially NOT in public. Please. No Woman wants to use her tears to presumably create a scene so that they can feel vindicated. When women cry, generally, it's because they feel sad.

And the sadness can range from anything to a hurt feeling at a single act of betrayal, or more deep issues like childhood trauma, abuse, failure, fears, etc. So when women cry, they can't help it. Just take it that they are releasing their sorrows and often will feel much much better after releasing it. It's easier not to cry, believe me. I've often hid my tears pretty well. But if I can cry in front of you, means that I am pretty much comfortable with the Man I choose to share this part of my life with. So if you insult me for it, I think you are insulting yourself really, for not being able to handle this situation. All it takes is a slient strong shoulder to sob on. We don't need words. We don't need explanations. We just need you to be there.

So, being there, having done that, and yadda yadda, some tips for you clueless men (again, I seem to be constantly dishing out tips. At least for the teachable ones, now you have an edge!)

1. Men do cry too, it's just that Women cry more than Men. Maybe some Economist, Scientist or Doctor can give the reason behind it, but as a generalisation, this is true. So just accept it, don't condemn us, we are the 'fairer' sex you know. More fragile, perhaps more easily hurt.

2. When YOUR Woman cries, just shut up, don't stare at her (Women are very self conscious when they look unpretty when they cry) but don't completely ignore the tears also, and don't focus too much attention on them. And please don't ask the No #1 hated question: Why are you crying. Not, at least, until she has calmed down. Or you risk losing some bodily parts... Try to find some tissue without leaving your spot and if don't have ah, use your shirt. She will feel regretful later and make it up to you, heehee. (Oops.)

3. Don't cry along with her. (Don't laugh, it happened to me. If not both of you will look really stupid, especially at crowded places like MacDonalds' and women being women, they will put their tears aside and try to help you first.)

4. When your Woman FRIEND cries, it depends on how close (or how open) she is for you to be able to do what you wanna do...Most Singaporean women in general prefer the Man to sit beside, nearby, not too close but not too far away. If you hug her tightly it might seem a bit too much. An arm around the shoulder is ok. Of course, depends on the body language. And if you made her cry, all the more, please be the one to soothe the tears too.

5. If someone around you cries chronically, they may be depressed. Or just sad all the time, = depressed so you might like to seek medical help.

So cry, if it makes you feel better. It does, I think.

sex addict rabbit

A Swedish rabbit has been entered into the record books after fathering 4,556 baby rabbits in the last year.

Randy, as he has been cheekily named by his owners, lives in a breeder's house in Stockholm and has amazed everyone who has seen him.

According to his keepers the rabbit is a total sex-addict, and on most days can be seen mating for around 22 hours a day.

The bunny's incredible stamina is set to earn him a place in the Guinness Book of World Records.

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/bizarre/Super++sex+addict++rabbit+in+record+books-300.html


Was searching for breeds of rabbits when I found this article. Haha!
Erm, it must be the weather over there.

http://svenskidrott.se/Organisation.asp?orgelementid=-999997

Swedish rabbits look nice and in wintertime, their coats actually turn white. They are rare though, and I don't think they are available in Singapore.

Will continue on the rabbit/chinchilla hunt...

Must love hawker food

Okay, have been inspired to write more. I do plan to publish a book someday, soon, so I shall set myself a goal this month to write at least every other day, or everyday. I've lots of things in my mind, so typing them out is also bringing a release in some sense, and comfort in other senses. =)

Been meeting and talking with really NICE people, some people whom I really value, and am enthralled by, and love their outlook on life that I'd like to keep around as friends, for a really long time. Huntley reminds me of MrBestFriend in the way he's so supportive, and you feel that it's not only you he supports, but practically everyone else around, and it comes so naturally for him that you want to be like him, or you like him - he's more than nice. More like, supernice. And in this world, you can't really find people like him nowadays - selfless enough to give so much time just to nurture someone else. I wish I could. I think I will, soon.

Have had some differences in thought about my last post - MrSheep and I was having a really animated conversation (He simply can't believe I'm an 80s kid - do I look that old?) Well, I learnt from him not only values of investing, of insuring, but also about (married) life. I think I'm really blessed in this essence that some of my friends take the time to educate me about 'what to expect when married'. But it's rather one-sided. All I hear about is how their wives spend too much on shoes, who does the housework (the wife, sadly) and how easy it is to be faithful to one person when you are right with God. So, I just brought it up to MrSheep that hey, I don't want a person liking me just because I suit certain aspects of his criteria (Next post, I've analysed it: The ME Factor. More on that later...) but he said that that SHOULD BE one of the most important things, when you fall in love, decide to chase, and decide to marry. Which reminds me of the question I posed earlier to Munchkin, and some of my cell members: To you, is LOVE a decision or a feeling? (Can only choose one.)

For MrSheep, one of his 'must haves' criterias is that his Madam Right "must love hawker food". I sincerely told him I don't fit into this category given my current obsession for japanese curry and whatnot. (Yesterday, I ate Haagen Daz for lunch.) Because he loves hawker food. It's a funny criteria, at least for most people, even if they do love it, they don't really consider it as a criteria. But as MrSheep puts it, he is marrying someone who will share his life with him. That true. Too true. For most Asians, I think things like this do matter a lot. For me it doesn't really, or maybe I have not realised it yet. I think I need someone who has dreams. It's always comforting to know that. And also likes small animals. Or at least doesn't mind me keeping them. I don't think of myself as an animal lover, but my family does feed a stray, and also we have kept different pets, even insects before. Once, I brought home an injured baby sparrow. It kept pecking my hands but I hid it in my skirt and brought it back. It died and I was heartbroken. Although I don't consider myself an animal lover, friends around me do think so. I'm not crazy enough to have like 10 cats as pets next time, but I will definitely have a small animal around. Next time when you are parents, please allow your children to keep animals. It helps them to be kind-hearted, and also possibly better parents. Even though I had asthma when I was young, my parents let me keep almost anything I wanted, except for dogs. But I know that I will be rich someday, and live on a big estate, with all the guard dogs I need...so dogs are not on the list for now. Haha!

So maybe, after considering this, I should have some wacky criterias too. Can't think of any right now, it would be fun to see what we really like and want in life. I always thought that it would be nice to have someone who can write and write to me. Not out of obligation, but because of passion.

Kie and Grant have been analysing 'why Spiritedly likes High XX(a certain type) of Guys.' Noooo, where got. Maybe initially, this XX factor will attract me. It does now, more than ever, because of my work scope. But eventually, I think XXX factor is better, or, more appealing in the long run. Silly! As what someone (female married colleague) said to me before, High X or High XX or High XXX does not REALLY matter when it comes to marriage, because the couple will tend to become almost similar, and only in emergency situations, does one get up and become High X... it's true. Huntley said too that High XXX only applies, mainly to work and Spiritedly says, we shouldn't limit ourselves. Too often, we say, Oh, we are High XX and then, don't bother to change. I always thought it good to be able to switch around when the occasion calls for it. Not to put a limit on ourselves, but to know our weaknesses and capitalise on our strengths!

Let's get married soon, need someone to appreciate my nice hairless long legs and other stuff before it gets saggy and wrinkly...

When it should be the WHY

Drawing lines.

So nice to receive a postcard from Malta where Meatball is working at now. I mean, it's just two sentences but it's the thought that counts. And all the way from there, too. Angmohs are so lovely. He also wrote to me with a picture of the Northern Lights. Was telling Travis that he should write to girls (that he likes). I mean, it's not what is written, it's more of the gesture, the action of actually writing, saying, hey, I am thinking of you.

(I will write back, just that I don't have his address.)

I hope my future better half likes to write to me. Hee!

I used to wish that we could write to each other in a notebook, passed from one lovebird to another. It would be so nice. A great way to communicate, too. Maybe it's just me but guys who don't write usually don't last very long in their relationships with me. Girls like this kind of stuff, really. So write, pen your thoughts down to her.

Was just thinking about how people are focused on the 'who you like?' rather than the 'why'. I always thought that the 'why' should come first. I hope that no one likes me, oh, because I'm tall and slim and they've always liked outspoken girls. Bleah! How about the soul, the spirit within? You can never know a person till you marry them - it's true, but at least, see the 'me' inside. Read this book today, don't think I'd forget what was said for a long time to come. (It's 'Everybody's normal till you get to know them' - John Ortberg) It says that in The Church we often hear about how its been told, that all of us have a God shaped vacuum in our hearts that only God's presence can fill. True! But he also mentions that there is a human shaped vacuum in our hearts that only humans can fill. Hmm. Guess it's true. I value friendships a lot. But I don't often get to keep, or maintain my friendships well, unless they happen to be people I get to see a lot, like my colleagues, clients, or cell mates. I do like them a lot - been very happy to find out more about the really nice people around me that just want to help me, be a cheerleader for me, and share tips on how to handle work and ministry/life's issues. =)

Back to the 'why'. I've often observed that we like different sorts of people at different stages in our lives. At a certain point, you need more mature partners. Other times, you need those 'act cute' or helpless types, (maybe more for guys, sorry I have too many guy pals) and the most important thing is to choose a partner, if you are looking for a life partner, that will grow along with you. Someone you can bear to look at for the rest of your life and never be bored by his antics. One reason why I knew that my last relationship was doomed for the dustbin was because we couldn't even have a connection. Caring is one thing, connecting is another. And really, it's hard to show you care when you can't even connect, or talk properly, or fight it out reasonably. I should never have to imagine it coming to an end, but I always did, and when it did at last, all I felt was relief. I'm not going to bitch about all the things that happened, because there is always more than two sides to the story - BBC: our mind can imagine up realities, wooo... yeah but it was a bad choice, really. I am awfully optimistic, and it being the fourth relationship I just wanted it to be the be all and end all. The finale, finito, a conclusion to my dating life. But it was not meant to be, and I thank God for that. I sometimes wonder, because he's taking such a long time to appear. Appear! =) Cuz I can't wait to fall in love with you. And I know that God will be there, at least, we will be happy together for a long, long time.

When you like someone, don't focus on the WHO. Focus on the WHY. Then at least you can know, for sure. Learn from my mistakes, don't have to make it on your own. For sometimes the WHO can be very misleading, but the WHY always rings true in your heart. Strip away all the mere barriers of superficiality, and ask yourself would you still be able to fall in love with him/her, if he was crippled like Joni Eareckson? Would you still love his spirit if he looked really different? Ask yourself, what matters. Because in the end, or 20 years down the road, he will look very different from the young chap you used to like. But still, if you remember the WHY in your heart, you will love him forever.

For Grant, I know you can't forget her. I hope to have a love as deep as yours, but one to call my own for this lifetime. I hope you move on, I hope you can find someone like her to call your own. Sometimes loving is painful, and moving on even more so. But you've got to let this phantom go, and find true happiness, aye?

The Lonely Hearts' Club

"Don't giggle when you laugh." said to me by Muffin, a faux pas he made in reference to my little giggles pre-sentence.



Woken up, and it rained beautifully. Love the rainy weather, partly because I can wear more exciting clothing to work. Like black stockings with an all-black ensemble and a double breasted beige coat. Or a dress under a trench. My office's temperature is almost like winter in Canada sometimes when it rains, the temperature difference is so great that most colleagues can tell when it rains without having to look up at the sky windows.

Can't really stand the humidity though. It's more humid this year I think! My hair grows at a really slow pace so am quite irritated with it, especially when some folks ask me "did I cut my hair" when the last hair-cutting was in January. I would like Henry to earn more from me but alas, that's the snail's pace my hair is growing. So my hair becomes 'big', like really bouncy when it has humidity like this after the rainy weather. Next time when my colleagues mention, I look different today, I shall say, "it's the humidity! the humidity!" and point to the sky and pretend to hyperventilate. How come other girls' hair not like this, ah? Maybe I have angmoh hair?

I never knew how well-read my writings were until I stopped writing for a while (actually, wrote something but was unfinished so yet-to-publish), and also been writing in the cell blog and in my journal, and "emails to chester". I don't think I'd ever stop writing, there are too many things in my head all the time. I'd have to get them out of my system. I think I can write about everything, most things. I can write a long thingy on my recent buys. I never got much satisfaction from shopping - to me it's just a checklist of what I need and what I want and the merger of the two. Of course I'm quite picky especially when it comes to clothes, and although being picky, I still make some mistakes - or not so wise choices. So, not very fun for me. But lately I derive more pleasure from shopping. Maybe because I really buy into the brand's idea and the type of stuff they create that calls out to me. I'm into scandinavian design now, after since I noticed there are actually quite a few places selling Danish, Swedish, Norwegian products, and they tend to be better made, more unique too. Going to buy tons of stuff from THE MAKE UP STORE (Marina Sq, Vivocity, Paragon.) The shop lady Tiffany is so good that I wish I could recruit her to do my job. =) Maybe it's my imagination but I think those Scandinavian shops also have really good sales training for personnel that makes the whole buying experience a memorable and satifying one... Anyways I'm rather klutzy when it comes to makeup. I can never put it on well, and I won't touch up during the day (not my style la) and usually, most products don't do well for me (Mostly because I am scared of them.) And I only dare go to the very buyer-friendly Sasa and not Tangs beauty hall or those counters. Oh, yes, and price does play a huge difference in the quality of the products, though it's better to go to a place more well-known for makeup - say M.A.C. or THE MAKE UP STORE, rather than Clinique, Estee Lauder, Chanel. At least in my personal opinion. Shu Uemura is very good. Their lip gloss thingy has 'deep sea' water inside, and it really makes a difference - natural looking too. I have Angelina Jolie lips (Or at least that's what I've been told. And that's what makes me so kissable. hahahah!) Really thick for a Chinese girl or, any other race. In fact, show me someone whose lips are thicker than mine. They are so thick I accidentally bite it sometimes when I'm eating. =( So, I don't want lipstick to accentuate it! I want to minimize it, tone it down. Nobody understands how thick-lipped girls feel. If I put any red/pink/nice shade, I look like I'm pouting at everyone. So I need like beige, natural shades. Only glossed-up ones too. And I'm ultra- uber- satisfied with Shu Uemura. Kudos to the guru. I shall be faithful to their lip glosses for the next five years. I'm like that. Like I'm faithful to Palm Treo now(my next phones will be Treos), THE MAKE UP STORE(must try the glitter liner, addicted already), I only wear Perlini's ear studs for my many ear-holes, Starbucks frappes, Khiels', Zara cardigans (not Mango, they run after a few washes), the list goes on. It's not about the brand but rather the confidence I have in their products. Really, why try another phone when I have no complaints about the Treo and the plus point is that it's a guy magnet too. =P And, many business people use it, top professionals, my heads and other top guys, so when they see my phone and our eyes meet, it's like a nod of acceptance (I didn't buy the phone for that purpose, I only realised this recently when I keep meeting biz people with the same phone). They don't GMask it though. =)

But thanks for reading, I seriously don't think my writings are very interesting or inspirational or whatever. Maybe I just write about my observations in life so it's well-appreciated by those who also know how to observe, or to realise little things about people, and ourselves.

==

Lately, been having secretive meetings with the Lonely Hearts' Club President, Grant. Actually not really secretive, just that some people do not qualify, and others have to be accepted, pending approval. It's fun. We meet at obscure places, sometimes not a single place at all, but at different destinations for a night's meeting. The Lonely Hearts' Club. I guess the reason why we can talk so much is because we have gone through similar experiences, plus the huge qualifier of having just broken up this year. Once during the weekend, we talked till the neigbours came doing their tai-ji. Haha! Then we realised it was breaking dawn, the sky was a lovely pale red, with little drizzles. I appreciate life from Grant's point of view. He is good at reading people, emotionally, without passing judgement on their behavior, of course. I tend to think that people who are less emotional are a lot more judgemental. Because it takes understanding of the person, and that person's emotions, to form a basis of sympathy, comfort and care for the person. Sometimes for me, I tend to be more rational. I cannot understand why, for example, some singaporean girls throw themselves at angmohs. Nor can I understand why some people are secretive about their likings and dates. For me, I would like to shout it to the whole world, cuz I'd be idealistically so happy, so happy!! That I'd bubble and brim over with happiness and love for the lonely hearts to share in it. But in different contexts, maybe the parties feel that they cannot express their joy, at least not yet, or not to the whole world. It's difficult like this. I once liked a colleague before realising he's married. Of course, I stopped myself from liking him knowing that, hey, the road ahead would be a secretive and painful one. And also using common sense and what I've learnt from the most recent breakup. I don't think I can take casual relationships, I tend to be a bit more serious in choosing a (life) partner. Or maybe more particular. I can't help it. Been hurt before, yes. Been with too many people, learnt too many things. But nooooo this does not make me jaded at all. What is life without love? Or love, without life itself? At certain points of time in your life, you remember certain people who were there, your personal cheerleader, supporting you, helping you to go the distance. And sometimes you fall in love with them. It's nice to have someone like that. Someone who cares a lot for you. I'm wondering why I care for some people and not for others? But the one that you love must be worth it. See the potential in him, and the way he cares about the way you feel.

Grant and I agreed that it's this part, the part where the guy is chasing the girl (Like Kie now, although he doesn't seem to take much action to keep her interested for long) is the sweetest part. I know it takes guts for a guy to tell a lady. But if you don't tell, you won't know. Of course she won't make the first move...I won't. =P

Okay... the rain has stopped and I'm going back to sweet dreams. =)

The Dog and The Angry Man

Sometimes, you never know what you say to someone can change the person's life. For the better, in a way you never knew possible. Lately, been having nice friendships and they tell me things about myself and about themselves; that changes our lives, forever. You know why I dare to open my heart and share? Because you did, first. And that gave me the courage to. =)

Here's a story I received via mail today from a local writer.

==

THE DOG & THE ANGRY MAN



"Watch out! You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me.


"Can't you do anything right?" Those words hurt worse than blows. I turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me, daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.


"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt. Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.


At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to collect my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain. The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What could I do about him?


Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions, and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with trophies that attested to his prowess.


The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he had done as a younger man.


Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing.


At the hospital, Dad was rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.


But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He obstinately refused to follow doctors’ orders. Suggestions and offers of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of visitors thinned, then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left alone.


My husband, Rick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help him adjust.


Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation. It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger out on Rick. We began to bicker and argue.


Alarmed, Rick sought out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But the months wore on and God was silent.


A raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky. Somewhere up there was "God." Although I believe a Supreme Being had created the universe, I had difficulty believing that God cared about the tiny human beings on this earth.


I was tired of waiting for a God who did not answer.


Something had to be done and it was up to me to do it. The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I explained my problem in vain to each of the sympathetic voices that answered.


Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed, "I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article."


I listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were given responsibility for a dog.


I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each one but rejected one after the other for various reasons, too big, too small, too much hair.


As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat down.


It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it was his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld me unwaveringly.


I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked, and then shook his head in puzzlement.


"He's a funny one ~ Appeared out of nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring someone would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly.


As the words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to kill him?"

"Ma'am," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every unclaimed dog."

I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said.


I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the car when Dad shuffled onto the front porch.


"Ta-da! Look what I got for you, Dad!" I said excitedly.


Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust. "If I had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it." Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house.


Anger rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!" Dad ignored me.


"Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed.


At those words Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed and blazing with hate. We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw. Dad's lower jaw trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently.

Then Dad was on his knees hugging the animal.


It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship.


Dad named the pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community. They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.


Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years. Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends.


Then late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at night.


I woke Rick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad lay in his bed, his face serene; but his spirit had left quietly sometime during the night.


Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the rag rug he had slept on. As Rick and I buried him near a favorite fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in restoring Dad's peace of mind.


The morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad and Cheyenne had made filling the church.


The pastor began his eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog that had changed his life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to entertain strangers..."

"I've often thanked God for sending that angel," he said.


For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right article ~ Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter ~ His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father ~ and the proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood. I knew that God had answered my prayers after all.



Written by Catherine Moore

The answer to everything

If I could tell you the answer, you wouldn't need to ask God.

Don't deny your feelings.
Eh, but don't embrace them too much, either.

I've realised in the last weeks that strong emotions can make or break a person. It's been TOO exciting for me, being a bystander in someone else's love story that may - or may not unfold, and someone else's that already unfolded in a strange way. I can only play the devil's advocate in giving some well-meant but on hindsight deeply unsuitable advice to all parties involved. For spiritedly being spiritedly, is clearly lacking in strong sensing where matters of the heart are concerned. Maybe she has lost her heart long ago and trashed it but, she really cannot sense what's best. Grant is terribly good at this though - I call it 'reading people'. I can read people's vibes, but not when they are in love. Things start to go a little bit haywire from there. For me it's like watching a fast paced foreign movie without the subtitles. After the translation via Grant, everyone's actions begin to make a little more sense.

Being non-conventional (and hating it at times), I realise that using me as an example to 'why the lady did this and what does it mean' is definitely not a good idea. Kie said yesterday, that I was really like a man. Erm, I guess he means that I'm straightforward and...say what I want to say...and nothing else. I am so feminine... though violent at times. Heh. I'd rather they ask me something else. Because even though I've been more experienced than I care to admit, experience counts for nothing when you fall in love all over again. If I told you exactly what to do to win her heart, then I'd rather be the one chasing (but I'm not interested in women.) And if I gave you advice whether you should proceed with the love affair, I think you are not taking ownership for one of the most important decisions of your life, should it come to marriage.

Sometimes I feel that we are too close knit to actually have any unique identity of our own. Yes, we know each other too well... And encouragement is good, of course.

I think I just want everyone to be happy. And not secretive. And definitely happy when you feel like you love someone and you just want to tell someone about it. =)

So, the true answer to everything? Seek God.

If you are serious about the Mr/Ms X, ask Him. Too often, it's not your will but His be done. I've gone against it only to be hurt, mauled, maligned, abused even. Emotional scars and the loneliness after. Just ask Grant. Just ask me. For a year of wilfulness, it's not worth paying the price for a moment of love to have such emotional wounds. But the healing comes, it comes.

It's not worth the sacrifice. And definitely not worth the heartbreak.

So love with all your heart and soul. But love Him first.

And GOOD LUCK!

Said to me, today and yesterday

Today this happened:

Teacher: "Class, construct a sentence with the word 'chance' in it. Who wants to go... (hands raised) Ok, David?"
David: "Please give me a chance to take care of you."
The Class: "Teacher, you must respond!"
Teacher: "Nooooo!!!"

Well, that was me doing my relief work teaching English, tertiary level in a private school. Quite funny because I don't think anyone would say that nowadays. Only in the movies.

Or only in English class.

=)

==

Met up with many of my clients personally these weeks for updates and I think this is the part I love most about my work, apart from collecting cheques... I love meeting people one-on-one without any ulterior motive! Yay! I met Gavin for dinner, yesterday. I pleasantly found out that some of my clients are christians - in fact I think the majority of them, though they did not mention it to me... I think that if your heart is right with God, there are so many opportunities to just talk about God to people. And lately, this proves to be true.

I realised that Gavin said a rather long prayer before dinner and then I asked him what church did he go to. He shared some previous experiences before mentioning ( I felt, a bit sadly) that he was a sunday christian, only go to church on sunday, but during the weekdays it's work work work and nothing else. So I boldly ventured, "Oh, why don't you serve God more?" His answer broke my heart and I felt so much like crying then and there.

He said softly, "I ask myself that, everyday."

Well, I wish I had him in my cell. But I'm blessed to have him as my client! =)
Dear Gavin, I believe you will find a way to serve God, soon.

Elusive

"Love can really CHANGE people." -Grant

Sometimes, when you love someone, it doesn't mean that you have to be with them, or that you/they will actually be happier when you are together with them. I've liked people in different ways because they are special to me. Taking long walks with me through the bushes (singapore has no forests), in the rain, along the pavement, around...my jogging track...and just talking, about life, about love, about everything. Just finding a soulmate in both cheerful souls, looking for a place to rest, for a shelter to hide in, for a shoulder to lean on, for this little moment in time where you feel that, the world revolves around the both of you - but just for this little moment alone.

Is it ever possible to love God the way we can love another human being?
Sometimes I wonder. We sing that we love Him. We listen to what the pastor says. And then? Meeting many of my clients the last month, pleasantly found that most of them are christians and one said something that I will never forget in a long time.

Its been said that sometimes if you did not forget what has been said to you about God, maybe it's the Holy Spirit giving you a nudge.

He (my client) said that if you go to those third world countries such as India, Africa...you will see the people really hunger for God. I mean, seriously, in Singapore, if your church has no aircon, and only a small open air auditorium, I can safely bet that very few people will come. But in those countries, even though the temperature is way warmer than us, the people will pack into the small, non aircon auditorium...

Because they are hungry for God.

I think we lack the hunger because there are really too much things distracting us. Making us hectic. Small issues and problems which become over-psychologised (if there is such a word) in every mature economy.

Actually, I long for the simple life where I can just live in a clean place with fresh air and talk to God everyday. Sometimes the hunger gets diluted. Sometimes the love doesn't feel that strong, that pulsating, when you remember your first love.

A pastor asked me, "so has God been speaking to you recently?"
I replied that God has ALWAYS been speaking to me, its only whether or not I choose to listen (and obey).

That is true.

==

We went to watch "Meet the Robinsons", I loved the plot. I think it's really meaningful, the basic underlying theme of 'keep moving forward', which is Disney's motto, and also one I subscribe to. The part which really struck me was that the 'bad guy' is actually the main protagonist's childhood friend and room mate who became evil because he let a bad incident which happened ruin his entire life up till adulthood, and has so much bitterness, that his main goal in life is to destroy the other's successes.

When you fall in love with someone, ultimately, his character counts. But I think more importantly, YOUR character counts. If you are on the rebound (like me, haha!) I think there are many guys that will be attractive to you. And in the long run, there will be many many many people who will be attractive to you, especially if you have not so high expectations and a huge circle of people you know and like.

There was a guy I knew recently who shared about many things with me when I first got to know this brother. Sourplum told me a lot of sad incidents wherby he was hurt and lost and I wanted to help this person. But after some time, I began to realise that he also treated me as one of his enemies instead of a friend, I was very puzzled by that. Everything I said or did, he criticized and was quite defensive. So, me being me, I focused my attention on some other people. More recently, Muffin shared with me some hard stuff too. Like how Sourplum did. At first, I was quite hesitant and perhaps traumatised in the previous instance, and began to have some doubts about Muffin.

But I realised there was one difference, like how the bad guy in "Meet The Robinsons" turned bad. In the first place, Sourplum harbored all the bitterness and anger in him, and never forgot what others had done to him. So in the present, he became ultra sensitive and even though people made harmless comments with good intentions, he thought they were against him and he became deaf to all of the people who wanted to help him. Whereas for Muffin, though I do not know him that well yet, I see that he has an open heart. Which is why he shared to me in the first place. I think the key is to let your guard down and be sincere with yourself and others. Don't let the past determine your whole adulthood. I have been through a sticky situation before, and maybe I have also took some time, a long time in fact, to get over some things. But keep trying, you will find that it is worth it.

Just as I know, when Muffin shared, he is so scared his heart is turning cold towards God. I wanted to say, I am scared, too. !@$!#$ scared!

But this Easter when I look to the cross, I remember that we are serving a risen Savior. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.



Because He lives, all fear is gone.

Dear all, enjoy your holiday

Wish I had more time to read.

Note to self: I have over 2000 unread email in my gmail...Time to do something about it)

In my email this week:


Dear all,



Please be informed that Asia offices will be closed for Holiday as follows:-





Singapore - 6th April Good Friday



Hong Kong - 5th April Qing Ming Festival

- 6th April Good Friday

- 7th April The day following Good Friday

- 9th April Easter Monday



Thailand - 6th April Chakri Day

- 13th to 15th April Songkran (Thai New Year)

==

We can deduce that:
1. Singaporeans are workaholics...
2. And not very religious at that! (Surprisingly, HK, a mainly buddhist country, celebrates Good Friday and Easter more than we do. Some sort of conspiracy to make us work harder this weekend?)

I guess I'd be quite tired out seeing that I'm going to church thursday, friday, saturday and sunday! Stagger to work exhausted on monday... needing a holiday from the Easter weekend.


No fair. =)

Buynothingmonth

"I'm not here for your entertainment..." - Overheard, from a song.

I'm not going to complain about how tired I am/have been because I consider myself blessed to be able to work to this state.

Just that I wish there were more hours in a day to do my stuff!

Looking forward to holidays (Next destination: Thailand/May CONFIRMED) makes me feel so much better!!! At least, it's work hard play hard!

Been spending quite a lot - or rather, not saving as much as I would have liked - depends on how you look at it - so April's going to be my BUY NOTHING MONTH. Aye, no manicure indulgences. (I just went for one) No haircuts, no expensive items I don't really need, no accessories, no FRAPPES!!!! Died... anyways I 'assembled' a very satisfying and nice wardrobe. I have practically everything I need for work, with some (for example, a beige trenchcoat I can only wear to Sweden, Japan or any of those fashionable places) I don't need. So it's a full-stop for me, apparel-wise.
And I've already bought those sundries or whatever you call it - shampoo, conditioner,soap, etc...Even recently bought bag, shoes, yadda yadda...My card just likes to be swiped.

Except for the little emergency items...where I may need to buy something that will run out (like contact lenses.)

APRIL is BUY-NOTHING month!!!
Limitations:
1. One FRAPPE (Starbucks) a week. (Sighhhh. This is going to be very difficult.)
2. Every meal to cost MAX $8.50 (Exclude drinks...another tough one)
3. Tea break to cost $3.10 max. (Which equates to one-crab mayo sandwich and one green tea/teh/milo/kopi.
4. Only take cabs for work purposes (ie rushing to meets or too dead tired to walk)
5. 1 massage/foot reflexology allowed (after my exhibition). MY monthly facial allowed too.
6. And groceries for my family. That's it!!!
7. And Emergency Fund ($50.)

If anyone wants to join me, I won't feel so broke?
Well, am compiling a list of what I want to buy in Thailand...
hee.