Top travel!!!

I know, I am a travel-to-many-places kinda person. I don't like to go in groups though. Prefer a twosome or solo.

I've always thought about the places I want to go, and so, I present my top #8 (Wanted 10 but can only think of 8, lah) places in the world I'd like to go very very much before I die. And the things I wanna see there...

In random order:

1. Paris, France. To take a photo of the Eiffel Tower.
Zero was surprised when during a phone conversation, I guessed his IDEAL honeymoon destination RIGHT, spot on, the first guess.

Well, guess mine? Heh heh. Though, I must say, isn't it strange that we have the same taste? Maybe we'll see each other there one day, no? 'Cuz I'm sure not going there together with him... *puke*

Anyway this is a typical place that most people want to go to (on their honeymoon)
But for me, I'd rather go to a simple nearby place and have sex on the beach all night long (What, this is not a rated "PG" blog ya) and then on the 1st year anniversary, go to a further place, preferably whilst snowing... ... See Future Husband, I plan le~ Oh! And we can try nice french food like escargots and foie gras and... caviar! You know, some people just don't like those high-class food... but I like ALL! I am meant to be high class man. (Oh, sorry, I think caviar from Russia...)



2. Honshu, Tokyo, Japan. To climb Mount Fuji.
I studied art and one of my favorite pieces of work was the landscape prints by Hokusai and Hiroshige, Japan's leading artists in the Edo period if I'm not wrong. Really inspired by their bold usage of ... ya, very boring already right.

I want to climb Mount Fuji if physically possible. And see the view from the top.



3. Kanchanaburi, Thailand-Myanmmar border. To cross the River Kwai.

The Death Railway and bridge plays a monumental part in Asia's history as many people died building it... blah blah. I just want to cross the bridge la!

Will plan to go there, hopefully next year. Thinking of a solo trip up the jungle and etc of Thailand's northern provinces. It will give me great pleasure to sing... "I've crossed the River Kwai..."



4. Jukkasjarvi, Lappland, Sweden. To stay in the Ice Hotel

The ice hotel near the village of Jukkasjärvi, Kiruna, Sweden was the world's first ice hotel. Since its creation, the hotel has been featured in many television travel programmes, magazines, and newspapers. The entire hotel is made completely out of ice blocks taken from the Torne River - even the glasses in the bar are made of ice. The hotel has more than 80 rooms and suites, a bar, reception area and church. It charges around 1,400 Swedish Krona (approx. 196 US dollars) per person/room/night in the winter. The hotel only exists between December and April. In its latest incarnation it will probably be over 5000 square metres (53,700 square feet) in size. Each room is unique and the architecture of the hotel is changed each year, as it is rebuilt from scratch. - Wikipedia

Aye, if I save up I think I can afford one night, no?
This is the Ice Hotel featured on one of James Bond's films and I always thought it was cool to stay in a place made entirely out of ice though it might be better to have a partner around to warm up those icy nights eh? heh heh. Hamsup.



5. Kalmar, Sweden. To go into Kalmar Castle.

Actually any castle will do, just thought that this photo is so breathtaking. I think there are more than 100 castles in Sweden, according to Wikipedia's list, so I must visit a few when in Sweden.

Also to go Sweden for the Northern Lights - aurora borealis. I think I will die happy seeing them.



6. Penang, Malaysia. To eat Penang Laksa

Ya, definitely wanting to go Penang soon. Don't look down on our neighbor ok, they have places that remind me of the charm Singapore used to have, so I want to try all the authentic food like Penang Laksa, Chao guo Tiao, Carrot cake, kopi, teh tarik and see what's the difference. I have a discerning palate so I must try and come back and tell you guys whether same, anot. I love Malaysia too much for the average Singaporean. Keep going there...




7. Vanuatu. To...suntan...Port Vila

A pacific island near New Caledonia (next destination) and I've heard of a boutique hotel there. Very interesting place. unlike New Caledonia (Uses franc as its owned by France) ...and I heard many rich Singaporeans (like me, whahaa) eh, open bank accounts there - de Royal Bank o Vanuatu as it's safe and also good for money laundering, oh yes, an open secret only the rich people will know, ya...

This place made popular by the television show "Survivor- Vanuatu" but I've wanted to go there long before that, oh yes, it's also the "Happiest place on the planet to live", I guess everyone is happy there, isn't that like paradise on earth? Must go and see, la. (Singapore is #131, what an unhappy bunch we are)http://www.happyplanetindex.org/listactual.htm

Most people are Christians although there are some tribal cults.
Oh, I met a guy who told me he came from Vanuatu and he looks like Superman, and he told me he works without his shirt on (at the boutique hotel I think his family owns the development) so when I am there, I will see if it's true... ...





8. Noumea, New Caledonia to learn French

I don't even know a place like New Caledonia exists until I met a guy - white, French-speaking who lived there and told me exciting and wonderful tales about his country - like those Gulliver Travels - children's book, that I must go see for myself. Fortunately he happens to be one of the 3 guides on the island...


New Caledonia[3] (French: Nouvelle-Calédonie; popular names: Kanaky, Le caillou), is a "sui generis collectivity" (in practice an overseas territory) of France, made up of a main island (Grande Terre), the Loyalty Islands, and several smaller islands. It is located in the region of Melanesia in the southwest Pacific. At about half the size of Taiwan, it has a land area of 18,575.5 square kilometres (7,172 sq mi). The population was 240,400 inhabitants as of January 2007 official estimates.[1] It has an Internet country code top-level domain (ccTLD) of .nc. The capital and largest city of the territory is Nouméa. The currency is the CFP franc. -Wikipedia




I am going Bali!!! Soon, though I worry too much about the money. Sigh.
I also want to revisit Australia. I remember one of the islands off Melb, can see penguins.
King Penguins on Macquarie Island, Aust.

So, any sponsors?
I also want to revisit Hong Kong. There's an unexplainable magic about that place.






And what are the places in the world you wanna go to?

Today, and a few months backward

Short, random story. This is how I write when my thinker self kicks in and introspectively psychologizes my world. The intellectuals will like this piece. The rest won't understand. It doesn't really end in anything. Maybe next time a better one.

===========

I like you older. Because although older does not equate to better, like the way men would liken themselves to a bottle of fine, aged wine, older means that we have had more time spent together. Finding out about things, in that relentless journey called Life.

I sometimes wonder what has happened to us, Zero.

//

I have always tried to live my Life as free as possible, detaching myself from all the protocol. All the rules and regulations, all the unneeded and unnecessary clutter that makes our life just impossible to live out, to have time for ourselves, and the ones we cherish the most. Because when I get older I don’t want to look back and lament the time spent doing up reports, attending countless meetings when I could be out spending a day in the sun. Maybe not everyone thinks like me, and I’m glad for that, because we do need people like them to maintain the systems, but I’ve always longed to meet someone who lives like me, happy for the system and living peaceably in it, yet wanting to live another way, as free from systems as possible. I’m not those who want to speak out or repeal the existing system, I’m actually glad for it. And a part of me wanted someone to chide me, someone stronger, to tell me what to do, to guide me when I’m living on the edge, or living in two different worlds – That’s how it seems to me at times. Increasingly it is becoming difficult to live this way, and while some fall out after sometime, most adapt to the system till it becomes ingrained in themselves, until they become the system and the system becomes them. And the system has no need for anomalies like me, so until it spots me, I will be low-profile, not wanting a ripple effect, just wanting to be happy. Actually wanting everyone to be happy, but some people do not see happiness as a desire for their lives, so.

//

And when we grow up, we realize that we see relationships in a different way. I just wanted to give. Like you. But you also realize that you want to claim something back. Maybe after all this is over, to claim a part of yourself, back. Having given it away, you are longer fully yourself, I am no longer fully me. In a scary way it is like something inside you has died, and maybe, it was supposed to happen to me. God wanted it to happen, God doesn’t make mistakes. When you pray and ask God who’s the best one for you, because you do not want to make a wrong decision for the rest of your life, and God answers your prayer, as HE ALWAYS DOES, and you decide there and then, "Not God’s will, but my will be done.”

And years later you wonder if you’ve blown it and all those meaningless times you spent sharing intimately with another person counts for nothing. Because in choosing to live free, you inevitably blow up the system. It’s like being environmentally friendly because everyone around you is, and you don’t want to spend the extra cash on wasting the environment without really meaning to be friendly, just wanting to do so for a materialistic or selfish reason. It’s like being a cell leader with low morals so that you can survive in this world – not for material gain, but because you really have big dreams and you want to be successful one day; but you enjoy the low-morals-situation so much that you wonder if everything you’ve ever done for Christ is a façade, and that slipping into another life just seems so easy, so easy… … And sometimes you think, living simply and happily; living and dying in a Hdb flat and taking public transport every day isn’t so bad after all, compared to what lies ahead.

//

When you realize that truth is relative – or perhaps you have known it all along, in the system, that the system is only a guide to life that must be taken with a pinch of salt, because you’ve done things that in another system would have brought you death in a pigs’ cage, but in these times it becomes accepted without a blink of an eye – and horribly, you realize that you do not feel guilt for those thoughts, or those actions, just a mere disappointment, when the system tells you to drown in your sorrows – the way the old system should be. Now the new one tells you to drown your sorrows and it’s a scary thing when you don’t drink that much but you can name every beer available in the island and the countries they come from.

//

And after many moons you realize why you feel the way you do. It’s not about her always blaming you every day, that the phrase ‘it’s your fault’ rings in your ears every day until you either vow to slap the next girl who says that to you, or you stoically endure until you really believe it is.

I’m not afraid of my feelings. I used to be, because from an early age, I saw how people suffered from it. Not only people but animals, societies, and … everything. How you can be changed by a book. How you can be changed by a kiss, or the sight of your beloved. How the SPCA has so many unwanted pets not because of a single night of passion but because someone had strong feelings that dissipated shortly after. But I would rather embrace my feelings than hide them, because I know that God is trying to tell me something. It’s all about obedience and trust, isn’t it. I’ve seen many lives play out their sad stories before me, and when I have the chance to decide what I want for my own, I hope I can make a better one. A better decision comes with time, and experience. To know what lies in your heart. And that it why I’m not afraid of my feelings.

Skiiri, 7 month old bunny. With Scabies on ear and body so not allowed to roam free range out of cage. Sob... the owner also has it...

northern lights

It just started snowing in Norway last week.
Soon, the Northern Lights will appear.
I want to go see. Badly.
Maybe next year when I've stashed up enough...



Brought Skiiri to the vet today. I've been going to the vet every Monday for a month. Feel happy to see the receptionist, somehow seems like a familiar face now. His name is Sam and he is lanky and fair with nice glasses. Facing him for hours while waiting for my pet, I start to wonder about him. Like what is an intelligent -looking guy like him being a receptionist... does he love animals? Or is he a temporary staff... etc. And he somehow looks like Sheepy. A younger and spectacled version...

Thank God my job allows me to take Monday mornings off or I will be at my wits end... And thank God the vet is within walking distance. Next time, a prerequisite for buying a home. I already envisioned, after I am married, I will have pets maybe a small dog but not those irritating ones, if my other half likes. Definitely not goldfish urgh. I knew the EX was not the one for me when I spotted the goldfish...7 or 8... in his bedroom. No sharing my bedroom with glassy eyed fishes and no sharing with dogs or cats or bunnies either. And no birds. I don't like birds. Yech. Though there was one time I brought home an injured sparrow... ...Skiiri, you must live a long life and scabies-free, because to me you represent a new life, too. Pets are significant in an owner's life, especially the seasons they represent and I always thought guys who kept pets (not fish or birds) were more interesting, and responsible, somehow. Oh, it's quite funny when the vet calls for the 'patient', they call by the animal name (They always can't pronounce mine, so they call MY NAME instead)... Imagine, the doc's assistant coming out of the room, and calling: "Silky!" Hilarious.

And Skiiri still has the dreaded scabies. Sigh. I still have it too. Itch. Two more rounds of injections... which is gonna blow a hole in my overdraft. Who said bunnies were low maintenance? Maybe short haired wild ones... but not long-haired sweet ones like mine. Roar!

And I'm not a dog person... or at least, I only like some dogs... so why do dogs like me? A guy's dog (Tess, shih tzu) sitting next to me at the vet came over TO SIT NEXT TO ME and put his head on my lap... What he trying to do, matchmake us? Lol. Then my bunny will shiver. Anyways had a nice chat with the fellow. But he has a Pekingnese too, and that dog irkkkks me!!! Lol. I prefer Sam-the-receptionist (Ok, I'm just kidding) but he seems nonchalant at our having a conversation. I seem to attract dogs, Fangy's Jack Russell and Maltese also like to follow me around and listen to me... ... But I guess I know why. Why? Why?...

Because I smell like rabbit.

And in my long convalscence at home, I like to hug Skiiri. Spending time with animals sometimes beats human company.

October. It's been a really long month.


I am glad, in a sense that October is over. It's been a long month and I wished it was over before it even began. I get this feeling that someone else - not me - is living my life, staying in my space, breathing my air. That someone else is living my life, not me.

I take hours to make even the simplest decisions like where to go to buy something, when should I run some errands... In all the years that you've known me, I guess I've never been like this before. Even in my 'pre-quarter-life crisis' - it was bad, but not as bad as this. Although I am still hopeful for the future, our future, the future of my cell and my career and my life, I don't know where I'm headed. I've never been one to look back. But I can't help being enveloped in the memories that are still, too raw. I am upset, because it is beyond my comprehension what has been said to me. I am angry, too...I have never been an angry person, but now I fear that I can never get rid of the anger within. I feel scared everyday, when months ago, throughout my entire life, I have never been scared of anything, save the occassional wasp flying by. I feel scared by the slightest thing. I feel scared sleeping. I feel scared waking up and facing each day, not knowing if the day would be 'good', or not. And then I feel scared making the decisions I have to make each day. What time to go to work. Who to call. Where to go. WHY? I cry out, sometimes in tears, sometimes wordless, about my situation. I am not thinking too much. I cannot help feeling sad - and worse, feeling sad for no reason. Or perhaps only my subconcious knows the reason, and I cannot express it by words anyhow. People try to help me in well-meaning but useless ways. "Snap out of it... stop thinking about it." But they can't help me, and I can't help myself either. And I just get worse and worse, reading and rereading what has been worded to me. Where a friendship is supposed to be a place of support, now there is only angry words and tears. I know my actions must have hurt, but I thought we were strong. I didn't expect this outcome. I didn't expect to be so emotionally affected that now I fear I will never be the same again. A part of me has died. And I wander aimlessly, from place to place, looking at them in shades of gray, because to me now, every scene is tinged with sadness, every sunset a memory of what has passed. There is a part of everyone that is sentimental, and wants to hold on to nice memories, because without such nice things in life to cherish, life becomes impossible to live.

Dysthymia - being alive, but not living. Merely existing.

Today was a bad day.
I can't describe how scary it is waking up and living your life day by day, not knowing if today, I am myself... or I am just living in a shell of sorts. Feeling faint physically, not able to function well at work or at any other thing. I'm scared I'm going crazy, talking about my feelings only makes it worse... ... I feel like quitting all the time, just staying at home and sleeping. I have atypical depressive symptoms - putting on weight (which I'm actually happier about it, I have a cleavage now. I have never had a cleavage so am amused with it.) - although my face seems thinner. Sleeping a lot, and then cycles of not being able to sleep at all. The sleep seems to be a dark black hole, just falling into it and not feeling safe at all, just lost, and drowsy for the whole day. If I let myself fall into it, I 'blackout' for at least 2 hours.

Some decisions in life, either way you choose, it will be just bad. How can I choose to stop something which started out good, in order for me to recover? And just leave someone in the lurch? I'm not like this. And I thought that it would be worth it to have things 'back the way they were', at the expense of my own physical and emotional health.

And I can't stop my mind so either I just cry or sleep. Wish I could sleep and when I wake up everything will be all right... ...

the drift WISP

The sunset is lovelier over there... At Hotel Equatorial's poolside for a wedding, last Saturday.

Was told, "Now I know why you like Melaka so much", today.

I think words are not enough to describe the charm that the 'historical town holds for me. Sure, it has nice architecture and is like the Singapore of old, but the feeling I have for the place is beyond definition. Going back there reminds me of lots of happy memories...Raw memories too, was rough for me on the first day thinking back. I remember being at Chestnut's place, a quaint little terraced house I would have immediately bought; and just spending time quietly, reading Calvin and Hobbes comics... and not talking. It's wonderful for the soul to spend some time back there again.


This is mine and Grant's fave shot of the day! We had to 'treat' Jamil and his partner many 'cups of kopi'. Heh...


At the bulldog cafe, peranakan food, for lunch.


My favorite photo I took of the couple. Although it's blurred, darn... It's a blessing to know them... I also want confetti thrown at my wedding...I want those ice swans carvings at the dinner. And wedding singers...


2nd link.


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On another note, am slowly revamping the space above my cupboards and etc. I think it will help me take my mind off things. The 'before photos':





I know, I have too many things. Just me to buy whatever strikes my fancy. Plus I love toys. Well, been working on the 'revamp'...and with this little start I hope to eventually sort out/throw/give etc ALL my stuff and be minimalist and organized...for once in my lifetime. I already have lots of storage space but still no space for all the stuff. Why like that. Initial revamp (Took one hour, before I felt faint and 'knocked out' by a flu bug):



Closeup of 'shrub' and some stuff I bought for the revamp. I must say the design is Japanese-Swedish... ... ... cuz all the stuff either comes from Ikea..or Daiso. Yes the black pot (actually a crockery item) and shrub, only $2.



The initial revamp. Erm I spent ...$10. The tablecloth, a few black crockery (some not used here) and shrub. The tablecloth is to put my watch, necklaces etc when I get home... Right now there's the addition of a bible and specs there too... Not really 'happy' with initial revamp - I think I should maximise the space and display/store more toys... So. (Bought some fake grass in Melaka, cheap cheap) Though I feel happy now when I look at the shrub, it's just so round and green and CHEAP! My ambition now is (after I get married) to constantly have nice shelf-top decor plus display nice travel postcards... No nice postcards yet so the picture is actually my company's roadmaps of the land we have in USA. Lol.

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WISP...
Not been working well, not to mention sleeping. I guess I really need some time, huh? Just feel so sad sometimes. And during this time, been having so many people sharing to me too, that they also struggle with their emotional state, that they also cry and cry, that they just can't 'snap out of it'... maybe it's a support group of sorts, a weird one, but I just feel comforted that others also been going through stuff, and much worse. I asked God why, I think some people think that we should never ask God 'why' but just bear through it, because He will not let us be burdened beyond what we can bear... it's true for the latter, but God answers my every prayer, and each time I ask God why He actually answers me. Maybe, ONLY me?

I can't say that this period has brought me closer to God because in this depressive state, I'm not able to judge anything at all, nor am I in a position to criticize or help anyone, though I'd dearly like to do so. Maybe we'd all be better off if we lived in a simpler world like a small laid back old school charm- town like Melaka, but I'm sure Melakans have their share of woes too.

I like what Grant said about 'living in both worlds', he being from Perak, and almost Singaporeanised, having been here for almost a decade. Somehow, I'd like to live in two worlds, too. To always keep the charm and naivete, the feeling of experiencing something new for the first time, the happiness of deepening a relationship with someone. Now, I can't seem to be out of the slough of despond, I am angry, I feel like beating someone up, I am also hurt... A book says insult/anger x resentment = depression. And depression is actually WISP... Wallowing in self-pity. Though few like to admit it. I'm scared cuz everyday I wake up, not knowing if it's going to be a 'good' day, ie I can stand a whole day's work without feeling despondent or crying or just sitting there unable to do work... Or if it's just a bad day and I feel so sick physically, nauseous, faint and having flu-like symptoms - psychosomatic - that I am unable to focus on anything and I just feel worthless, that I can't take it anymore... ...I'm being honest about what I feel because although I don't talk about it, I have and will always be concious of my emotional state and sincerity is something I treasure.

So I think that if anyone feels lonely or sad, they can always talk to me and I won't judge them for feeling that way. I've been judged before and it makes me wonder why. Perhaps they have had a tough life... but I thought that having it tough only makes you stronger and able to help others, not to pinpoint their flaws and constantly grind them to a pulp.

I will stop crying next week. And I will go to church. I want to. I hope to.

 

And... the rest of my file cabinet. I like that it's magnetic. Although I feel like clearing all the stuff on it, always. You would think it's filled with important stuffs but only the top one...the rest filled with toys...heh. I love the picture drawing of me, my client's daughter drew it. She makes me feel so pretty.

 

sigh...when will baby light come to pass? when? sigh...

 

My Japanese zen- sand garden. With black Swedish (Ikea, lah) rocks and my sister's turtle. I love those litte furry animals but I think they don't sell them anymore... The garden also $2 from Daiso. It's amazing what you can buy when you are on a budget (and have plenty of time to shop.)

 

The way my file cabinet top looks now. I try to change it as and when I need a change. Notice the scabicide "benzyl benzoate" in front... Hope it's not a permanent fixture. New addition of the cork board, $2 at Daiso. Grant bought one too.

 

My windows to the world. A new hobby this year; collecting postcards. Next stop: Hopefully Bali...although I'm thinking of pulling out of the trip but I cannot disappoint Sheepy.(The lonely planet guide was a steal at the flea...) but first, a short stopover at my 'hometown' melaka.

goodbye

You are right, Muffin. I've been a selfish person. Many times I could have been there for a hurting person, but I didn't.

Reason is, I'm too scared to get involved in their lives. After what happened. I was traumatised. Maybe I still am.

I used to be nice. I still am. I can't be tough on people. I can't show tough love. And inevitably, I am hurt too. And sad. Do you know how sad I am trying to help someone I thought cared and loved God and my cell and each other.. the same way I did, only to realise that all I ever did trying to help ended up trashed.

I can't help you. And because I've failed, I realise I can't help anyone anymore. So because of this, I've made a decision to not help anyone anymore. Let me live my life happy, although this is a selfish reason, maybe? Beats crying yourself to sleep and getting hurt by words again and again. Being vulnerable to you only makes me sad. I thought we were friends, at least. I wish that things could be good again. That we could eventually realise what we have planned for in the future. The biz plans and the cell plans.

It's been a lovely 6-7 years as a leader and now it's time to go.
Cheers.

scabies

both me and my bunny are in a bad mood.

Well. It seems that every year I get plagued by some interesting illness/disease or the other. Last year it was bedbugs~ previously dengue. And I had a bad case of gaestroentritis after Indonesia where I vomited my bile...ooo, an alien shade of green.

And now, itching miserably with scabies. Scabies! Sounds horrid. Nothing I've read online seems promising either. I just hope it's the:

"In persons who handle affected animals, an extremely pruritic papular eruption can develop that differs from ordinary scabies in several ways: distribution of lesions is proximal, with involvement of the thighs, abdomen, and forearms. Burrows are usually absent. The course is self-limited, provided there is no reexposure. Other persons in the household do not have to be treated, because human-to-human transmission of animal scabies does not occur."

and not the type of scabies which is:

"Atypical presentations of scabies have been described in immunosuppressed persons, including organ transplant recipients, patients with lymphoma or leukemia, and patients with AIDS. Itching and scratching, with elimination of mites and burrows, may be minimal in patients who lack an immunologic host response, allowing for thousands of mites to reproduce and thrive.3 Crusted scabies, which was originally described in Norway, is associated with widespread hyperkeratotic lesions and deep fissures in the skin. Crusted scabies can develop in patients with malnutrition or severe mental deficiency and in institutionalized patients. The condition is highly contagious because of the large number of mites present in the exfoliating skin.

A severe form of scabies with unusual clinical features consisting of crusted lesions and a widespread pruritic papular dermatitis has been described in HIV-infected patients.3,5 In these patients, multiple treatment applications may be needed because of the large mite population and the patients' impaired immunologic response."

I was misdiagnosed by the doctor (The last quack doctor told me my dengue was food poisoning, not funny) to have a allergic rash derived from food sensitivity. Tsk tsk.

And for a 'normal' person I have had almost ALL of the major illnesses.
In my short life, I have had chickenpox, mumps, asthma, hand-foot-mouth-disease (it was so rare when I was a child that I was undiagnosed until the recent outbreak), dengue... oh, and now add scabies to the list. Itch. itch. I hope my bunny survives this, it looks so frail and in a shell-shocked state after the injection, scabicide and shampoo. Sigh.

It's over.

Well, I've 'snapped' out of my depressive state. =)

This is what I wrote a week ago:
I'm not a strong person.
I'm scared to wake up everyday, not knowing what the day brings. Some days are just 'bad' days when I just cannot wake up and I 'blackout' for two more hours, all the while setting my brain off into strange loopy dreams and imaginations that seem half-real. If this is my mind in a drugged, tranquil state, then I don't want to know what it is like in reality.

I've always thought I have a high tolerance level to life's ups and downs. I've always thought I can help people. But now, it doesn't seem that I can do anything right. I chose to take the path of least resistance. But I am resisting inside.

I've always valued the process of understanding people, values, thoughts, ideas.

And now, having gone through something like this myself, I can understand better, how people get depressed. One of my cell members had a day-checkup at IMH for depression as well. (He authorized me to share his story with anyone who needed encouragement, so.) I can understand why some people wait so long - too long, to get help. Even if they share to others, they will feel that nobody understands them. For me, I'm just so scared to stay alone at home, because then I would have weeping spells, feel sad for no reason - it sounds dumb, but it's a real thing that I have experienced. I knew I couldn't carry on like this - maybe I'm emotionally weak, but I took medication and it was so so much better. I'm actually someone who doesn't like to ask for help, so I felt really weak and worthless and small when I just had to depend on my friends. I think it's important for all of us to seek help, before it's ... too late. My sister mentioned that most of the patients in IMH (she interned there as a nursing student) are all highly intelligent - some are doctors. But they/their mental state cannot face up to reality. When people ask them what they are doing there, they say they are there for a holiday... it's really sad, and I'm glad that this time round I looked for help. I had a depressive episode once 2 yrs ago. I guess the chemicals of the brain misfire once in a while. And trust me, I still remember those miserable feelings. And I can't imagine how it would be being miserable everyday. I try to understand, and it's scary sometimes to want to seek help, not knowing how the medication would affect your brain, or have side effects on your body. Not knowing how people would look at you and not wanting people around you to worry. Feeling so... disengaged, so disillusioned.

It's no one's fault when you are depresssed, nor can you blame it on one trigger or being 'weak'. To me it's a way of dealing with your emotions, the way your body chose to. Having a support group is very important too. I can't say that I'm fully OK, or that it's a choice to walk out of it, ask any depressed person and they will tell you they want to, but they just can't, you know. It takes more than just self-will and sheer mental positivity, really.

Through the ups and downs of life, I'm glad for God's presence. Sometimes it's hard to hear God. It doesn't mean He doesn't love you.

 

In the MRT today. Was testing out the BW function. Didn't notice the random stranger's shoe, thought it was a nice touch.

 

My green tea frappe

 

Opposite Bedok MRT station, thought the trees gave an interesting feel to the place, so I just snapped it and here it's tweaked with Picasa.

 

Was accompanying him shopping for sunglasses when it hit me to take this hilarious shot. I'm still giggling softly.

 

I'm proud of you, Vic. You're in a rare league that dared to pursue their dreams and made it all the way to the finals. Top two, LIVE THE DREAM. Shine on. I'm faithfully giving my support.

Victor Tang

Congratulations Victor, for making it so far. You're in the Top 3...incredible huh...

I really admire your tenacity, and talent. Continue to write songs, continue to sing. Continue to be true to your dream.

Singaporeans, show your support for Live The Dream finalists. SMS S2 to 71199 or call 1900-112-1102.

 

Been to this city this year. Asian city... ... Hong Kong!

 

A city. Like the rendering, but don't think many people will be able to recognize it...

One of my guy friends told me last week that his heart's been shattered into a million pieces. It sounds terrifying, coming from him, because he is a logical, calm, cool, collected, quiet person. To imagine him having such intense emotions would be impossible, for me. Just the other day we were looking with anticipation for the future of his heart's desire... ...and now, it all seems so bleak and pensive. Being emotionally down these days, almost depressive, has helped me to see things a bit differently. I feel more for people. And when they share about their emotions, I really can understand and feel the way they do. I never used to be able to, feel things other people do.

I asked God what should the outcome of things be, and how does He want me to be... I just want to let the unimportant things of my life go, and I've been thinking a lot about how we fill up our time with meaningless and insignificant activities. How we have been so wasteful in our lifetime, when we could have saved more money and done more for the environment. Having lunch with Creampuff, once a week, is something I look forward to. We will always eat at this foodcourt, and because he doesn't have much income due to his huge debts, he doesn't splurge on food and doesn't buy drinks to save... I followed his actions recently, eating at the same stall, bringing my purple nalgene waterbottle along...and it was so liberating. I don't really know how to explain the feeling, but it's a sense of achievement-like feel, being able to give a shit about people, and not putting them down, or the small little things they do to achieve more independence and financial freedom, like eating at food court everyday and saving to pay their family's debts.

I admire and respect people like Smallbiscuit... her family has debts too, low income, and her sister was sharing with me, about the deficit in their electricity bills. I knew they had a time when the electricity was cut off and they had to go around by candlelight at night. Their little income is not enough to pay for the debt, so month by month, little by little, they slowly paid it off and recently, they had a zero balance instead of a negative one. I rejoiced along with them, but at the same time, I realised that I had been so frivolous, spending on unnecessary luxuries, when Smallbiscuit had to work on weekends on top of her already exhausting daily work, saving every penny for the bills. Maybe, as Huntley said, when I have more commitments, I would be motivated to work harder and earn and save more. And in life, the people who have gone through this kind of hardships are the ones with backbone, with character. This year, I have learnt a lot of things about money, and I hope that what I've learnt this year will bear fruit in the next two, and I will have a sustainable wealth then.

I'm glad for these souls in my life, now, more than ever, I begin to see the value I place on these people and will hope that they are my friends for this lifetime. And I respect the way they share - their lives are not easy, but through it all, they have this indomitable spirit that gives them the energy to go on. Calbee asked me how come I sound so optimistic and cheery, not knowing that only a few hours before, I was sobbing relentlessly... last week. I am inspired by the friends I have, how they remain positive inspite of their troubles.

I've realised one reason why I am sad - and angry. At myself... Because I cherish the times spent, with Muffin; but I never had the realization of the value it has on my life. Some people have said, perhaps both of us spent too much time together and each had different expectations, so this backfired on us. I never thought it was too much time, ... I actually wished it would last longer. I feel so helpless when it comes to talking about how I feel and even sustaining a deep communication with him, maybe I'm still guarded, maybe it's because I feel that I have to be something I'm not in front of him... I just wanted to help, because I care. But I know that I'm not the one who can help, and I cannot help him. That with or without me, he will still be the same.

But a part of me wishes that if the outcome was different, that I could have made a difference, and I know it...Then, I would give my all to help. Zero asked me to count the cost, is it worthwhile for my life to give all to help this one person? For this one, it is worth it. I feel bad that I am not able to overcome my feelings. But in time, I will. I believe that there will be a point in time where I can just look at him and not remember how lousy I feel. Eventually.

i remember

Not because of what I've done,
But because of who You are
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done.

It has been a rough week.

Zero, your love for Star moves me. I wish I am like you, that I have this capacity to love someone - to see her happy makes you happy and you will want her to be happy at your expense...how you can love as deep as that, I do not know. And maybe that is why you are depressed now; because you have loved her for years. I know I've said that I would have liked the old Zero; a lot, now - but in the past, I would have taken you for granted and not even wanted to be close. Because of who you are now, and because of who I am now, I treasure your presence in my life even more. I wish I had someone to love me, the way you loved her. And I know you are moving on, and it will all get better, with time.

So, me and Zero are still singing songs this week. Soppy 90s songs.
But me, been crying like shit.

I never wanted to write about any unhappy moments. Maybe I'm being a bit too idealistic, but that's the way I value happiness. It's not my way to mar the happy memories with the unhappy ones. But sometimes, things in life are bittersweet. Bittersweet. A new word I've learnt this week. When you can't find a way to describe the good, and the bad. It's crazy to keep crying everyday, I know I should deal with my feelings. But how? Engage in prayer sessions? Peruse self-help books? Talk to the person at hand? Or just forget about it? Can someone tell me how to cope.

I get lonely every saturday because I miss the hours I've spent talking with Muffin, about God, about us, about life. How do I cope with these feelings?

I feel angered and sad, because, I believe partly that is is not him who reacts like this, that somehow, a deep part of him really cared, and treasured the times we've spent together, the way I did. Other times, I wonder if he doesn't give a damn and he's been doing this to other girls, and he will continue to do this to other girls after me, that I'm one of the many who have been 'controlled'...and I wish, I wish that all the times we had, meant something to him. I wanted to ask him if it did, it would make me happy if it did... Yet, when I see him, still the same, that it has not affected him in the least, a part of me dies and I know that, things can't go back 'to the way it was'; and it perhaps may never will. No matter how mature we think we are, or how spiritual we need ourselves to be, we still need to deal with our feelings first. I have so many questions to ask Muffin, yet I fear, that it will all come to naught. I cannot forget, I remember all the things we spoke about, all the times we shared; and because I remember the bad with the good, the hurt with the joyl; because I remember, that is why I am still angered, and sad.

Watched on dvd "Before Sunset", a bittersweet romance story set in Paris where the two characters, acted by Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, find each other after 9 years. The whole story is acted in one long walk, where both talk to each other about life and love. Watching shows like these really makes you pensive for a day, wondering, if the other person you cared about also thought about you - theirs for nine years.

I've had so many people telling me everyday, you are still young, cherish the connections and the nice stuff people do for you in life, because when you get old, the people won't be bothered to, anymore. No one will be bothered to walk you home when it's late. Or to talk to you for hours, or to take long lonely walks with you just because you needed to talk. Maybe I'm an old soul. But I cherish the soul connection I thought I had, with Muffin. I know such connections only happen once or twice in a lifetime. And when it's gone, you will always wonder 'what if', and long for the closeness, the shared times that brought comfort to both souls. When it's gone, you become a bit more cynical. I've changed. I think I am less naive now. I wish that we had a little more in common. Perhaps meeting at different stages in our lives. I wonder what would have happened if Muffin hadn't walked in to church. Would we still have met, somehow, next year, at a youth conference? Would I still be the same person, six months ago to now? He did not really choose to walk in to my life... so why am I choosing to perhaps walk out now? I am so tired. Seeing him only makes things worse. I cried last night. Like the night before. I hate it.

 

Happy Birthday Penelope, a photomontage for you. You are as old as me now! Ha.
Not a very nice one as these are the only photos I have of you and J, taken less than 1 yr ago at East Coast.
I love the times we were there, we should go there more often. Looking back at the photos, you realize things really change in a year, some people that were there last year is not here for us anymore, but as long as both of you cherish your love and the happy moments you have spent together, believe God will make this love last a lifetime.

new generation #2

A new generation... my new generation!

Am all fired up in faith to reach out to my community, my age group... my generation. I've always had a passion to bring more to church, bring more to the gospel. Somehow, I don't have the fear that grips most in asking people, even strangers to church. By a sheer coincidental meeting, I met Christian, who is a youth worker with Heart Church located near The Church. And, last friday, attended a meet with quite a number of youth ministers. I was glad to represent The Church.

One thing the Swede pastor (blonde!) Joakim preached really struck me, he said "Young people who are destined to commit suicide will not commit suicide." I just went to a talk on mental illness and demonization, and depressed people who are not on medication, a high percentage will eventually commit suicide. Christians believe there is a suicide spirit behind this, and it seems to be getting stronger. To me, anything, be it mental illness, work, relationships, anything that takes you further from God and hinders your joy in life is definitely not of the Lord. Looking at the young people worship God in CStone Church, I still don't have a heartbeat for them, nooooo. But I know I can help. And I want to. The road ahead is not easy and I've been crying out to God for more people to help me along. I just need everyone to put in a bit for Christ.

It pains me to see people just overwhelmed by the world. And maybe they will say to me, 'But you don't understand, your work is not like mine, your world, your life is so easy, compared to mine.' And maybe they are right, maybe I don't understand. And it's not easy to understand my position either. Stepping out in faith and planting cells, who asked me to? And I do have doubts. But looking at the way God has grown us without us really stressing over it, we can't deny it's the hand of God upon us. I just hope that we will have the ability to trust God more. That no matter what we are facing or feeling, we can find the strength to look to Him.

I was overwhelmed by my feelings today. One thing about me is that I don't allow myself to think too much, or to cry. Sometimes I think until I get so physically tired I have psychosomatic fatigue and just cannot get out of bed. And I'm still having many questions for God. Sometimes when you are hurting inside so much, you wonder why God still tells you to reach someone for Him. How come you can still talk to people despite the fact that everything's not ok.

It was raining heavily this morning. After Church, cold, with soggy feet drenched by the downpour, Zero and I were just talking about the 'song in our head', a song that is put into us spiritually, and it just hums along as we go about in life. For him, it was the song, 'Come Holy Spirit, fall on me now...I need your anointing, come in your power' and we just sang it softly, over and over again, together, while walking along the pavement with the branches alongside the long road to the bus stop and the cars on the other side.

I'm reaching for your heart
You hold my life in your hands
Drawing me closer to You
I feel your power renew
Nothing compares to this place
Where I can see you face to face
I worship you
In Spirit and in truth

One line by one line, we continued singing the song, softly, wholeheartedly; till we reached the destination.

It's the small moments like this when I realise that God is with us, and He is helping me through.

listen

Listen to the song here in my heart, a melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within, Its only beginning to find release
Oh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

Listen...
I am alone at a crossroads, I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried, To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you, You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

-Beyonce, Dreamgirls Movie, 'Listen'

I try, to learn to understand people and help people understand themselves.

==

Met Creampuff for lunch today. We try to meet every week. I'm becoming addicted to the food at his workplace really. It's a foodcourt - a place I don't usually have lunch at, but the standard of the food there is really good. Well, at least for the 2 stalls I always eat at. I am glad that there are some people I can meet every week in my life. Starting next week, I'd be seeing Zero every week too.

There are some people in life whom you meet and almost instantly you are 'tuned in' to the person. Creampuff has been avidly listening to my life tales since Day One when we started chatting at a boring Expo. Juice, Kylie's friend, also has been in tune. It's nice to have some people who sincerely wants to listen to you, though I'm afraid I'm usually boring them to death. Just listening to me talk about life and theirs, too. I'm glad that through everything that happened, I found friends I can really trust. I'm glad for a weekly lunch chat out of The Office. And colleagues who are nice and really care about building relationships. I look at some people, working so hard, OT and more OT all the time, it really drains them. And they are left with no time and no energy to build real relationships. I'm glad that part of my job is to build relationships - though that's pretty draining too!

It's nice to share the ups and downs with people you trust. I think it's partly because they also value the relationship that they have with you. For me, I won't build up a relationship with a person who is obsessed with work all the time. It just shows in their attitude towards others. A healthy work-life balance is essential. I do like to work, but I get fatigued easily, so, I guess listening to my body and accepting rest when it's needed.

I never realised people really cared in our society... but they do, without words. Sometimes, just an email, or a walk down a lonely street together with someone who's hurting shows you care enough to make the difference. People will come and go. But there are some friends that stay, for a lifetime. What makes you that lifetime friend?

long term commitment

Hmmm.
I just made a long-term commitment over the weekend.

It's nice to be there, for a friend.

==

Been having intermittent sleep, wonder if it's the result of eating cheap mooncakes. I like snowskin ones and green tea flavored ones. Those who don't want, please pass me theirs... I can eat mooncakes for dinner! Ha. But I refuse to buy the pricey ones, the price this year up by almost 100% due to the strict control of salted duck eggs. Heck, I didn't even know those were duck eggs. Why is it only duck eggs can be salted and preserved? Also bought lanterns, small ones with red LED lights installed with a press on, at the bottom red tassle. No more candles! Although when we were young, playing with candles and setting our lanterns on fire were part of the celebration.

Many thoughts running through my mind, which probably contributes to the continual tiredness I feel. Better soon! In a while.

I realize I have good friends like Zero and Fangjie. And Grant, of course. Dear, dear people. So, I'm also making a commitment back to be a good-er friend to them. So one year later, my commitment ends.

One year! It's a long time... but all things work out for those who love Him.

psalms 34:18

My self esteem should be based on my quality of character - my ability to love and be loved. -Paul Meier, Blue Genes

How do you explain a love that has no explanation? - John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason, spiritedly's current fave christian pastor/author.

Psalms 34:18.

Is there is such a thing as praying 'too much' for something to happen?

==

There are always lots of questions in my mind, because I question the relativity of truth, and causes for emotional hurts, behaviors and reactions, the answers come. So when I see someone I've been close with do something that is hurtful, I ask.

I need to find out, to understand.

What is your love based on, if you do not even try to understand the person?

Each day, I remember things. Flashbacks to certain places we've been. Things he said. The food we ate. Sometimes I am angry at the things he said to me, and perhaps, others in his life who have loved him, too. Sometimes I am sad. I realise how sad I was when I realise how happy I am now. Simple outings which turn into long drawn arguments, and tiring meanderings uncalled for. I am angry at myself for wanting to be approved by him, for just quietly accepting the things he said, for not refusing to talk until I'm so tired... I am angry because this is not the way things should be. But I don't blame him. He cannot help it. Sure, he will get angry at me too. And maybe he will, if he doesn't understand that I am trying to help him. Despite all his refutes, I think he wants me to.

When someone who is nit-picky and has possible obsessions with cleanliness tell you that your hair dropped all over his room after one dining experience, would you:
a)get angry and scold him
b)apologize for the hair
c)try to understand the basis of what he is saying, and observe, and help?

Don't you think that because the person tells you this, he also is telling you, in a certain way, that he needs your help in his life? That hey, please take note that this is not a 'normal' behavior... that I only dare to share these with you... that I need you to tell me this is not acceptable to you?

In Life, we are faced with choices everyday.

We can choose to ignore this cry for help and pretend everything is alright. Anyway, Life still goes on.

But, I am also affected emotionally by this. And the 'deepness' of the way I am affected shows that this is not just a simple thing. The myriad of emotions I feel fascinates and scares me, because I am never like that, and have never been. Of course, looking on the bright side, there are good times. Like how your life is like a weepy korean drama, and realising that you have good friends to be your safety net, after all.

phantom

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -G.K. Chesterton

John Ortberg, in "Love Beyond Reason" wrote

"When can I get the courage to stop hiding? When I am loved.
In Phantom of the Opera, the phantom wears a mask to hide his horribly disfigured face. He lives in the bowels of the old opera house, to cloak his presence and bitter misdeeds. But the woman Christine touches his heart.

At the climax of the story, his mask is removed. In that moment he chooses to be known, to be seen. He knows that his face is hideous; he waits for her to scream in terror, but she does not. Her heart is moved by compassion and pity.

She does not turn away. She gently kisses his scarred face.

And her love changes him, at least a little.

He is able to let her go, to give her her freedom even though he knows it is the end of his dream. When he was able to stop hiding for a moment, he could be known and loved as he was, even in all his difigurement.

First the mask must come off. Then love can penetrate the heart."


Along the way, I've learnt to be brave. You know, I never really thought that feelings were important, that they were only there for me as a process of understanding, of knowing myself. But I've learnt to confront my fears. To live, fully - I've always believed in being sincere, in being truthful, in being trustworthy. And I've learnt to be stronger in what I believe in.

Though things may not look bright now, and I face the greatest fear of all - of losing you, I stand firmly by what I believe in. God will help us through.

I know that my feelings will last.
One week later, one month later...one year later. I know that it will still be there. Perhaps that will mean that I will lose all I've dreamed of.
But to love, I must be strong. I have to be brave. And I must be firm.

Not just for me. For us.

I know why you cannot love me.
I know letting go means letting God take care of it.

Muffin, God will take care of us.

i must be firm

Do you have to let it linger? - Cranberries

Will be selling almost all my books away on yahoo! auctions and the upcoming flea marts, my annual book clearance sale. Have listed some today, my nickname is spiritedlychic.

I've never had a strong attachment to physical things. Even dresses or watches I like, I don't really take care of them.

That is why now I am so disturbed in my spirit that I have formed a deep emotional attachment to someone.

It's been said to me that all problems we have are caused by ourselves.

Zero, you were right. I must be firm. In order to help others, I have to help myself, too.

When I feel sad, I cry. It's only natural.
I have always been in touch with my emotions.
But lately, have been supressing them.

So I don't cry. I burst. For 5 seconds. And stop.

It is in my inherent nature to care for people. I don't know why I've formed such a deep bond with this one. And even though I am still hopeful, that things will work out for the good of those who love God, I am skeptical as well.

Because I know myself.
And I know him.
And I know some parts of ourselves, we are never really able to change.
Despites the promises we make to each other.

==

Either you care too much, or you don't care at all, so which do you think I prefer?
I'm sorry, I just hate that things turn out this way.

mbti career options

These are my optimal career options based on my personality profile:

Photographer - hmm, explains why I take such good photos. Heh.
Marketing Professional - agreed.
Journalist - also agreed.
Actor - did have some interest in acting when I was younger, so... agreed!
Commputer Systems Analyst - nah!
Credit Investigator - sounds interesting.
Physician - agreed. have an unhealthy obsession with medicine labels
Psychiatry - isit the chinese one ...
Constructin Worker - haha!
mechanical Engineer - hahaha!
Public Relations Worker - ok this career is passable
Artist or Entertainer - one day... my chance to shine will come...
Research Worker - yeah I will love this as long as I can talk while working
Electrician - haha!
Lawyer - was my childhood ambition. guess we all knew what we wanted...
Management Consultant - would love this!
General Consultant - Generals will consult me?
Corporate Executive Manager - sounds nice. any headhunter wants me?
Restaurant Worker - would like this too if not for my high iq
Computer Operations, Systems analyst - nope
Electronic Technician - nope
Aeronautical Engineer - nope. though I can communicate well with engineers
Writer - YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Corrections Officer - nope
Child Care Worker - nope
Sales Manager - agreed... on the way there
Psychodrama Therapist - erm, sounds scary
Electrical Engineering Technician - nope
Biology Scientist - nope
Farmer - yes, actually would like this too. u guys always laugh when i say i want to live on a farm, humpf no one understands...
Dental Assistant - noooooo..
Lawyer or Judge - yeah both sounds fantastic! i mean the income not the job...
Personnel Relations Worker - ok
Life Scientist - erm, manufacture life?
Financial Manager - yup
Speech Pathologist - nope... no patience for this one
Helath Education - so-so
Human Resources Planner - no interest either!
Medical Assistant - agreed
Science Technician - nope
Respiratory Therapist - ??? revive people daily? I hope not.
Crisis Counselor - Can do. Am thinker enough. But tiring job though.
Real Estate Agent/Broker - yup.
Psychologist - Have an obsession with psychological disorders too...
Attorney Administration - can do.
Insurance Agent/Broker - no way!
Musician - not enough talent here
Minister - hmmmmm...
Student Personnel Administration(college) - would like this job i think!

So there. 32 out of 49. Well these are just options, in case I'd like a switch. You don't spend your whole life doing something you don't like you know. But I happen to love my jobs.

Meanwhile for those who need to know, take the test online!
It will help in all areas of your life I'm sure of it.

http://www.personality-power-for-everyday-living.com/Myers-Briggs-Personality-Test.html cut and paste please

cheers

 

Let's take a flight from here when it opens next year. Thanks Muffin for the photo.

 

This one was chosen. Was glad to do this project because I was given complete artistic freedom, which you hardly get being a designer. Took one hour to come up with this. Last year. Have rejected many design requests this year, I think I will only do things I'm comfortable with from now on.

herbalife campaign

 

One of my original designs for Herbalife's Generation H campaign. Used in Singapore and Malaysia. They eventually chose the other one I had designed. Once in a while, I design stuff...

Where matters of the heart are concerned, the heart calls for sincerity.

What a contrast from the world in which we live in; a world that does not value honesty. This world values good looks - but not too good - if you are as good looking as Zero, you are often hated, just because of the way you look. You must be good looking, but not TOO good. Like too much of a good thing, unfortunately it often backfires on him, and also on his friendships because he can never be certain if the person's concern for him is genuine.

For the rest of us who are not blessed/cursed with supermodel looks, thank God.

Few of us care to admit it, but we are changed by the people we fall in love with.

Even though the person is very similar to you. And definitely if the person is your exact total opposite, something I've failed to realise. Because in trying to make him more like yourself, you are asking him to make you more like him, and in doing so, both may lose their sense of self and the reason why they love each other in the first place. Such are the fragilities of love.

I've thought about it and, yes, I have to admit, I have been changed. Very much so. For the better. At the time of my life when I felt like I was slipping away and no one really cared, God placed an angel in my life to safeguard me from all of Life's worries.

And then the angel shared some of Life's adventures with me. If you ask me how this story works out, I honestly do not know. Inevitably, or strangely, unlike myself, I find myself developing unusual feelings. Sigh. It's been a long time now. Sometimes I wonder if I was not here and vice versa, would things still be like this, or somehow our lives would never have entwined, never have had the chance to meet, and clash, like iron sharpens iron, like a catalyst of two different substances, sparking each other? I wonder if God has a hand in all of this and I know He does. It's tough for me, being me. I have to surrender, to release these feelings to God everyday. It's not that I don't want it, but I don't want to do things that are not in His will again. For now, and forever till the day I die, I want to live, free, in God's will, God's best plan for my life. Hopelessly devoted.

It's an urban legend that 'thinkers' don't know what they are feeling, or don't cry, or don't have much feelings.