Beyond age, beyond color, beyond conditions

I seem to know, or to make friends with people from all walks of life. And only recently I've realised that this is not the norm for most people - they, make friends with people like their own kind. Of course, collegiates definitely have more friends in the category of a similar education level as them, as their path of education defines the social circle they create for themselves unwittingly. But few dare to venture into other social circles - why not, for friendster states that 'every other person is connected to each other by only 6 levels of separation'.

It's not ever possible to define how much of our lives we create. Some choices, we make. Others are deemed by circumstances or by genetics - how athletically inclined we are, defined by predisposed bone structure and body mass. How intelligent depends on how young our mothers were when they were with us, and how our forebears fared in the SATs of their time, and a smooth entry into the world, not being preemies, not having any defects in the time of our creation. Yet, those of us elite, being more capable than others, tend to look down on those we deem as more inferior than us. It's always the handsome hunk that turns out to be a scumbag because the way the world views beauty as superior(thus giving him the ability to misuse it) - then, he can blame it on the times in which he is born in, too. It's how we treat those below our level, those incapable of helping themselves, that shows our character, isn't it? I cannot imagine that if I looked like those petite, helpless girls with big, pleading eyes, how would people look upon me.

I've distinctly felt people treat me very differently when they think I am just another- diploma graduate; compared to when they realise I do have a slightly above average degree at my age. Then, I can see the change in their eyes, almost as if I'm being promoted to a higher social level in their horizon. (That is why I often neglect to tell people about my education unless they probe, haha) I don't know what contributes to this change of attitude, perhaps the realisation that I am better educated than them, thus above their league, or maybe they respect me more 'cuz I am thus perceived to be more intelligent now that I am degree-educated. I do not believe their motivation for the change in attitude is superficial, more likely it stems from what we have been ingrained to believe, that smarter is better, intelligence is highly regarded. I always blow their mind when I say that I do not mind an O' level grad. as a potential better half. It's sort of hilarious to see their disbelieving looks - I guess mainly to the notion that O'level grads now are far and few between, but I do know of a few, some that could make good husbands despite the 'gap' in education. If I only had an O-level education, people would not laugh at me, for aiming to get someone degree educatied, for that is supposed to be good...Then, should I look down on myself for being lowly educated? Of course I believe too that everyone can excel beyond his limitations and everyone should be as highly educated as possible, but that is another matter in itself.

I still have a lot to learn in this area, of accepting beyond social norms, accepting people in cell, to see beyond color, beyond culture. Kie shared to me what Heng said, that his love(for a woman) transcends beyond age and beyond color. For Kie, he cannot accept that. Maybe we are all narrow minded. Help me to see people the way they ought to be seen.

Every time I meet Markos I get introspective, not least because we are instrinsically different from each other. Polar opposites. and we get along so well. (Then the constant clashings with Travis is strange 'cuz we are opposites, too.) I may be wrong, but his life seems to be planned out for him the moment he was born. Never having to struggle much, always steady, a secure life and a stable family, born with extremely good mental faculties, well-to-do, low-profile, generally well-liked by everyone. I can't say for sure this kind of life does not appeal to me, yet I'm 'not-the-type' to relish it. I might change my mind, 'cuz it hasn't been made, yet. Just as well that my life is generally unpredictable.

I hope that when I am older, I will be someone that people look up to, not because of my education, or the income I bring in, or the ministry level I am at, or the way my life has been so far. I just hope they respect me for me. And I will try, each time I meet someone new, not to find out about their education paths, or how many medals they have won, or how high their IQ is, or how many credit cards they have(haha!) or ... all those many superficial things, but just to find out about them, and try to understand the person they are, social norms aside. Away with the 6 levels, I only want one.

Words; and a new song...

It's definitely so much more meaningful to wake up to a day that's occupied with happy things like meeting people, learning more about new stuff, going different places(preferably mostly air-conditioned), and just feeling that you matter, to someone.

I would just love it when people tell me that I've just 'made their day', or when they sincerely thank me for something I did not expect gratitude for, or cannot remember doing. I'm grateful for their support, when I'm feeling low as I was, this past week (job-hunting woes) and a lady's predisposed moodiness took over me, I'm happy for my friends' concern. Only lately realised how Kie has been my 'emotional support', 'my right hand man' in so many ways that I'm ashamed to admit I sometimes underestimate his talents and underutilize them, ministry-wise. Melted a little when he told me he is praying for me and sms-ed me a verse(Phil 4:6)... then, Shiner too(Luke 18:7 and Psalms 37:3-4)... Debster too... everyone is soooo encouraging!

John C. Maxwell said this and I echo it too, everyone needs encouragement in their lives, and for sometime now I guess, I don't seem to be getting enough encouragement. Not that I desperately long for it, but some support would be nice. Shiner said something insightful, when I muttered this to hi, he said that the people around me don't know what to encourage me about. 'Cuz I do portray an unshakeable positive attitude? Or I just seem to have no worries? Hmmm. It set me thinking quite a bit. I think I shall share more of my concerns with others around me. I tend to share only the excited, happy things, true. That's 'cuz this season I'm excited and happy with so many things to anticipate! But I could use some encouragement, or a pass-it-on card.

While I still have some time left, I shall write nice long letters to everyone.... love writing... love singing too... but it would be too weird to sing odes to the folks I know.

Writing a new song...New song being completed soon. Working title being 'Unseen Hand'... creepy eh, like 'Corpse Bride'(which no one is keen to watch with me) Eh, 2 weeks...in progress... this is a really slow pace for songwriting for me... Think it's mediocre, but good, considering I have not written for so long. Been wondering what sparked this in me again. While compiling my digital music, was opening all my old CD-Rs, have so many of them for schoolwork previously. I found one with the documents of some of the old songs I forgot I wrote, yay! (I mean I remember writing them, but I cannot remember the entire song/composition.) Kept playing them. And whoo hoo! Beamer-my-rich-brother went to Comex, now I've got a wireless mouse and Prodikeys DM to play with. If I can figure out how it works!

Shiner

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."- Helen Keller

Simply titled, Shiner.

Much like his namesake, he never fails to lift up my spirits. That's why I like to see him so often, he reminds me of how I should take things easy, view life's obstacles optimistically. He believes it won't rain; though the weather forecast says it will. And somehow I just find myself wanting to believe it, too. And when I'm talking to him, I become more animated, I laugh more, I notice more positive things. This is one guy that everyone wants to introduce girls too! (Next up: Kie's sister!) I'm overly protective of that, though...him being so innocent, 'never-been-kissed'...and I will feel a tinge of sadness definitely, 'releasing' him after my unextreme makeover is fufilled.

In this friendship, I will not forget being at the bus stops for obscene amounts of time waiting forever for the bus to come, but at the same time, gaining an insight into each other's perspectives as we communicate our thoughts and chatter away merrily like schoolkids, poking fun and screaming hysterics at each other.

I have to say that it's the geographical location that brings us together, in this friendship... Sudden feelings of acute loneliness when Shiner moved to hall and the reality of travelling alone...well, sucks pretty bad. It's always like that, certain things that change, that cannot be helped, and you are left wondering what actually happened that made it like this, when there was, just a minor alteration to schedules that caught you unaware. Sure, we still meet pretty often- and I do depend on him for some support, it's always more fun with him around, in birthday bashes and 'running outings', which we had a few, recently.

I do hope this friendship lasts, that it can last beyond years. I hope that is an achievable objective.

Before I forget, I will remember these dear memories:

Everytime after service, anxiously waiting for the bus to take us home, and then, (because of the dark, ulu locale which I stay at), he will tell me to sms him when I'm back...And when I don't, sometimes forgetting, he will sms me to confirm I'm not spirited away. That's just so sincere and thoughtful...I'm confident that if I don't reply, he will send search parties for me... I appreciate it so so much.

The times I'm exasperated with him for being 'brur brur', for not being initiating enough, for just being a punching bag 'cuz I get irritated for no valid reasons with people and I'd just launch into an attack for several minutes... He just takes it in his stride and instead of reacting, shows concern for my situation, or agrees with me that he is stupid...I just melt and relent and ... tell myself to be not so mean, until the next time...

His enthusiasm which encourages me so much, his interested responses in my small happy smses about the usually happy things that happens(sometimes sad, can't help it), makes me look out for interesting things in my life, too...And I do feel that he is supporting me in looking for such!

The incident where I was really upset about work and about Izac and he just offered to meet me, even though it was late and there was nothing I could do about it... I remembered that, we were sitting at a badminton playing area... I just wanted some emotional support I guess. Not very close then also, but felt that he was someone trustworthy I could talk to.

And, him encouraging me to get to know someone better, setting me up, encouraging me to see Mr X's good points, Mr Y's striking features, Mr Z's blah blah... although my matchmaking attempts for him were not so successful, I'm sure there will be many more opportunities hee.

And the way he always try to pay for my bus fare, food, drink, snack...even though he is not rich, still like this...woo! I want to hug him! I didn't take it for granted! I noticed... =) and it's so endearing!

And he changed his phone plan to free incoming for me... I know, not 'especially' for me, but I did generate a $100+ bill last month, lucky he didn't ask me to pay half, haha! I think the smses too...costs a bomb. Even Jelly thinks I'm constantly on the phone with Shiner. Which is...not really true la, it's because lately we seldom meet, but still need the same amount of quality time, so tend to talk more and also because I want to hear about his activities but I always end up chirping again...

He thinks he is not handsome, because he says he is too thin... hey but in my worldview, he's tops! Where else can you find such a wonderful individual...with a really solid character too. He always says he is not intelligent because he only has a poly dip... but he is working his way to a teaching degree...and intelligence is not measured by how many degrees you get, or how high is your IQ...at least to me. He always says he doesn't like being so quiet, 'too quiet' and too shy...But his sunshine smile and sporty nature endears him to many, and his listening skills is that of an excellent leader. A really humble guy... who does not hesitate to sincerely tell me I'm pretty and intelligent in one sentence without sounding contrived or flattering, that is just the way he is.

I imagine it must have been hard for him, growing up... he has never uttered a word about his childhood or his past experiences, which must be really difficult; but instead of resigning himself to it, or to just be a mediocre individual, these experiences has built his character and really shaped him, to be someone I respect. He never asks for anything in return, but just does things willingly and happily. I salute Shiner, for being a friend to me, for being who he is. Someone that brings out the best in me and adds a dose of badly needed sunshine into my life!

Now, I can 'lomo' my digitally enhanced shots...

Video for Nias Team 1

Took less than 2 hours to conceptualize and finish editing the vid clips. Rather satisfied with it 'cuz it's only my second time making a video - not actually making, more of compiling. Pleased with the blog, too, although haven't figured out how to use the media audio hosts (Signed up for two, but the configs were too confusing for me. Shows that they need more webdesigners and less IT techies on the job.) Not that satisfied with the vid, though... wish I was using iMovie. Ah well, found so many great tools online for audio streaming, video blogging, etc etc... all the techie mumbo jumbo that I'm obviously unused to.

And the song was so apt. Somehow, the lyrics made so much sense to me after that.

But well, I still can't figure out a way to encode the video thingy and blog it. Maybe later.

Tags: travelogue

REAL Run and Divine Encounters

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."

- Peter Drucker, in "Becoming a Person of Influence" quoted by John C. Maxwell.

Whew! The weekend was a tiring albeit definitely fulfilling one. Did many things I would not normally have done - Like waking up at five on a Sunday morning, talking to sweating, panting strangers... Changing in a guy's room(Evidently I was displaced, and worried too at what the beloved mum would say)...Went to Kai's 21st birthday... Hee. All in a day of my exciting life, aye! So, in the most coherent way I can, I'd try to remember all the really good stuff that has been happening. God has always answered my 'little prayer', weekly, (this week was no exception) and I'm keeping track of His promises to be fulfilled.

REAL Run. First time for me! As a 'spectator', haha. Was pleasantly surprised when one of Jelly's friends, this doctor-to-be, sincerely thought I completed the race as well. Immediately gave him the time of the day plus 10 points! Tried hard not to be too 'overwhelming', i.e. over friendly in the SALTing way, but he was a really really nice person. And said one thing that made me sit up and think. I asked him why the choice of profession. He said, "To make the difference between life and death". Was speechless. Deep thoughts.

After the whole Sentosa journey, kind of rushed to get to Kai's house for the birthday celebration, so I trooped to Shiner's place, nervously, as what would Shiner's mum say? Although I'm quite an auntie-killer, but I don't think any mum would be pleased to see her baobei son with...me, just the two of us? And somemore, I was wearing this killer beach attire, totally indecent for middle-aged women to view. Alone in the house? Changing and, bathing, somemore? Eee. Shiner didn't seem perturbed as though it was a common thing for him to bring girls home all the time... Well, nothing much happened, Mum came home from church, me already changed and happily munching on a curry puff. Mum's the quiet type and didn't shoot me daggers or quizzical looks saying what are you doing to my son alone in the house on a Sunday afternoon... Whew, I tried to salvage eh, his integrity by sending brainwaves to her that I was totally disinterested in him... arh...I'm sure she'd ask him though... hur hur.

Last week was chock-ful of divine encounters to say the least, starting from Sunday's serving at Carepoint where God showed me someone to pray for, and I was taken aback as the person at the altar was the person in my vision. I prayed for her unhesitatingly. On Tuesday, dragged my feet to a Countrybank interview, a job which I knew I would reject (They did want me though - have to pray for the right doors to be opened, then.) Met a Trinitarian I could give encouragement to. On Wednesday, met another Trinitarian who was a new friend, too. On Friday, while at Bishan sipping coffee, bumped into my insurance agent, and asked him to the Action! cell on Saturday. On Saturday, met Des who just accepted Christ like 2 weeks ago 'cuz when I met him 3 weeks ago, he was still an 'oikos'. Connected him with Shiner, hope he integrates into the cell. On Sunday, made two oikos while I was 'guardian of 'my running friends' bags', they happily and trustingly deposited their valuables with me. I think I was perching on a strategic place, and I looked 'honest and friendly'? After the run, managed to get one oikos' contact with an invitation to the night cycling event, too! Glad I could put SALTing into practice, with a great testimony to share to my cell folks.

Looking back at the week, it's simply amazing, people might think that I'm awfully anointed - I know I'm not, I just am terribly prayerful lately, since I do have a lot of spare time on my hands. And God has met some of my personal agendas too, I got to know some of my cell mates better, something I wanted to do for some time, and deepened some new friendships as well. Realised that bonds are forged with time, and with the sharing of similar experiences.

Leading a cell for me in this season has been relatively smooth-sailing. Previously, it was almost traumatic. I'm glad to know that Jelly, too, has been through some rough-sailing times in ministry. Same boat, different storm. Trying to be a better listener, which makes a difference in my life. Shared with Jelly that I was not like that in the recent past, perhaps I've learned to take an interest in others, perhaps I was too preoccupied with other preoccupations. Lately, learnt(from Jelly, he's a natural at this) to just put all those aside and to focus on an individual, for the few, precious moments. I do enjoy dialouging with this guy!

Through understanding them, I understand more of myself, too.

Categories: spirited, lifeissues, dailyaffairs

My 3 hunks! At REAL Run, 28 August 2005, Sentosa.

Do what?

I'm reading this book now, "Becoming a Person of Influence" by John C Maxwell and Jim Dornan. One thing that struck me today was something said by William James:

"Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for the practice."

So today, actually...there was one thing. I had to go to this job interview for a job that I did not want as I disagreed with the salary, the location and the job scope itself. Besides, the interview was postponed thrice and the first time, I made a trip there for naught. So I was increasingly irritated as well and really wanted to go to the gym instead of this interview, before cell today. But, I remembered what I read, and I felt compelled to just go , even though I really do not want to...Thought I would do something to build up my character.

On the way there, I met someone - a Trinitarian! This guy whom I've always seen around in church but never got acquainted to. We both recognized each other, but hesitated to say hi. After all, we were practically strangers. I took of my earphones and ventured to say something which in retropect was rather idiotic - "Hey, you're from church, right?" We just started talking (another amazing thing, in the past I would never do this...I'd walk hurriedly away, haha) and he asked where I was going, I shared about the interview that I did not want...After the conversation, he told me he would keep a lookout for a job for me, and said actually he was feeling pretty down before he met me, because of his work, but he actually brightened up and we both managed to share and encourage each other before we parted.

I'm really amazed at this divine appointment, I stop to think that if I had never ventured out of my house, I would not have a chance to encourage someone, or to even know this person.

The next thing I had to do was to run ...OH I hate running... I can walk stairs or lift weights but please don't ask me to run. Shiner said that he doesn't like people who do not have the right attitude and mindset in taking on stuff like running. I am someone who is peeved when anyone implies that I don't have the right attitude (Perhaps I don't really have one, yes?) So I'd go all out to 'prove' the person wrong, that I am right... Well, yesterday I ran 1 round round the small jogging track below my house...Heard about thighs getting huge if jogging on flat surfaces, so I sprinted and ran on 'terrain' which included several staircases. Today, I ran 2 rounds. It's really 'nothing' when you look at the small small track... but to me, it's a big accomplishment - Doing something I hate to do... And also, to prove people right, in the right attitude of doing things. Shiner's slightly amazed that I can push myself to do these things, but then again, I am tenacious, =) And actually the weather today is cool and breezy, just the right temperature for a midnight sprint. My legs ache though, I wonder if I can manage 3 rounds tomorrow...

I'm still wondering about God's purposes...lately He has been answering all my 'short-term' prayers...Simply wonderful, as I do pray seriously about the small matters that mean so much to me. I hope to be used by Him, to hear the prompting within, something which I've neglected for some time. =) I'll rest happy tonight, despite the aching legs.

Categories: spirited, dailyaffairs

Oooh... the resident feline...Meme!

Artistic shot of the cat - she makes a natural model.

I wonder if there's any food below the pretty pink food box? Oh, I can't chew yet...

Eee...I'm scared...Look at the biggie cat below!

Oops! Too near! My nose...

There's something in my eye...

Sniff sniff...I'm climbing up Rachel's shirt...

The 5 hamsterlets in a pretty pink food box

Heart-to-Heart Chat

Yay. =)

Had an aptly fulfilling Heart-to-Heart Chat with Travis. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't think I was unreasonable, or over-sensitive to have such insinuations about him, and more surprisingly, he actually admitted to a guarded behaviour of late. Reasons notwithstanding, I shall not know if he refuses to reveal them to me. Of course I would not hold it against him if he does. But it was unutterably tiring to wonder why, for those weeks. Now that I know what I thought is true, the 'why' is less important now. Still, realised many things through the chat - One, that he implicitly varies from me in ideals and the whole thought process. We both made many assumptions that caused hurt to both; on my part I shall be more tactful in this area and choose to act sensibly as I should. I was perturbed that he confessed he too, was hurt with my asinine brushing off of his serious remarks which I perceived as nonsensical utterances, as I was already guarded, as previously I had shared deeply but he just gave a fake "HA ha. aiyo", which made me terribly frustrated with violent thoughts of slinging my handbag at him. I think we would never share the connection I have with Shiner or some others; the intuitive connection... which was what I was looking for actually, a soulmate of sorts, Ah well, it doesn't really matter to me now. It would have been nice, though.

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I'm so blessed to have an online preacher = Jelly! Hoho. Despite not going to YAS I still could get my sermon feeding from the online journals of p.jelly. =) Yea, sharing online does work for me, but I imagine him to be pretty flustered with my interactivity, asking whether Moses was an 'unwilling hero', and all...and I berated him for not being able to remember the 3 points, although he heard it just a few hours ago. Journalling does help, hehe. Learnt from my new cell members on remembering the sermon outline, since some of us attend different services, we would ask each other what's the wtw/5pm service about? Which pastor was preaching, etc...And the newbies could remember all the points of the sermon, which I felt really ashamed after that, 'cuz I cannot even remember a single thing! That was late last year, and from then on I committed myself to listening, and learning, and remembering. I can proudly say that I can remember the sermon outline - at least till the next sermon. Frankie can remember the whole series, it's so... stressful? For the 'Attitudes to Success", he can still remember, I'm quite positive of that. I really learn a lot from them! And Jelly was really nice too, taking the effort to share what was shared. Haven't told him I borrowed his name for my new poster. I guess he would notice it when it's up then, in a few weeks' time.

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Baby hamsters have opened their eyes now! 5 of them now... The biggest one looks like the father, so handsome... eh heh.

Categories: dailyaffairs, friendship

Thanksgiving poster, EAST District

The Essence of Falling in Love Part II

Please don't misunderstand that my mind is constantly tuned to the above subject matter. I am imaginative, and I do have dreams about love just like any other typical girl out there, but it is not my main preoccupation. Although I do seem to write about it more often these days.

Have to 'give wise counsel' to a cell member, for her and an impending romance. Hence the loveful thoughts. Dampening others' bliss is not my preference, however, in the face of integrity sometimes, the truth hurts. Someone recently asked me this question, If your pastor/SL disapprove of the guy you are romancing now, what is your response? ...I posed it to her: If your cell leader said 'no', what would you do? Actually I know I would never say 'no' ... ultimately, it's your life, it's your choice, in matters of the heart. Just don't think with your ass. (Pastor C. said that, in a mandarin version.) Aiyah, which means you don't think at all, never use your brain before stumbling into a relationship...haha.

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The start of the synopsis of the story is similar to any of those touching, weepy Korean dramas, except that it was mine. My own true life story.

Boy meets girl at a church camp, Girl was 10 and Boy 2 years older. Boy was Sunday School teacher's boss' son - comes from a rich family - first time in this church camp. Both liked each other trememndously, and all through the week of the camp, they played a game of 'catch' with each other, just the two of them. They would find opportunities to talk while walking up and down staircases, while waiting for bath time, at meal times... all the while playing with each other. The camp ended, and both went back to their respective homes. But they found themselves thinking about each other, not realising that they had fallen in love for the first time.

Boy called the Girl on the (home) phone, and this started an ongoing conversation and decidedly sweet romance that lasted for about a year. After the camp, they had one group outing, but Girl could not go, and she was devastated that she could not meet him. He too, asked everyone about her during that trip. They exchanged christmas cards that year - His' was typewritten, claiming that his handwriting was untidy and incorrigible. They made plans, both wanted to go to NUS to study together...Girl wanted to study Law or Political Science - he would go to Junior College and later army, and then both would graduate at the same time, and get married, and have two kids after graduating.

Sadly, they lost touch after a year. His phone number was disconnected, the letters sent to his apartment returned, with the note 'No such resident'. It was as if he had disappeared, or simply moved house and forgot about her. Girl was distraught. Having no mutual friends, she could not ask anyone about him. Worse, the Sunday School teacher had left for another church. For some time, she searched for him, jumping at every chance to go out, hoping that she might one day bump into him. She looked in every car, hoping to catch a glimpse of the boy who had stolen her heart. But she never saw him, never knew where he had went.

Years went by and she had forgotten about him. By then, she grew up, and had many male suitors (Haha it's a bit exaggerated this part), and had some short relationships with guys, all with a high calibre, more than worthy to chase her. Subconsciously though, she never forgot her first love, and treated them badly, expecting them to pay for everything and then ending the relationship/s abruptly as she had vowed in the past, not to let another steal her heart. (This one, entirely true.)

More than 10 years went by...while talking idly to a church friend during a bus journey home, she realised he came from the same secondary school and eca(that time it was still called eca) as Boy. So, Girl asked tentatively if this church friend (that she had known for 2 years and never knew his secondary school...) knew Boy. Much to her amazement, he did! What's more, he gave her Boy's handphone number, and waved a cheerful goodbye before reaching his stop.

Girl gave Boy a call, nervously wondering how he would be like. Afterall, it has been 10 over years without seeing him. Would he remember her? As his first love? Amazingly, he did remember her well. They talked about life for a while. Girl realised he had pursued different routes too, choosing poly over JC, and now, almost ORD-ing from army, going to NTU. Girl too, embarked on design disciplines and went to study at LaSalle-SIA. How different life was. And all were inconsequential as they talked about the old times, church things... He was now at CHC. She was now at Trinity. Funny, how they both changed churches but remained christians.

After the phone conversation, Girl realised that there was no perfect ending to this tale. After the phone conversation, she realised Boy had changed, along with all the dear people in her life she knew. From her past memories of how Boy was - a gentle, sensitive soul with impeccable charm and good English, he became a Hokkien spouting, brash person. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was still enlisted. Or maybe, since secondary school, his environment was a tough one. She knew that if she had met him, it would tarnish the lovely memories that she had, of her first love. So Girl decided to never meet him, again. Let their last meeting be during that camp, and that was that.

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If I had believed in romance, I would have tracked him down, somehow, and when we met, it would be... perfect. Perhaps we would be single, and end up together? I have no idea. Maybe one day we will really meet. Singapore is a small place. I wonder how he looks like now, but then again, I have no desire to know. Up till today, I can still remember his old phone number, his full name, his old apartment address. I guess, I have a good memory, but more than that, a redundant memory?! Its strange how I can remember some things and not others... perhaps my memory is selective in the things it wants to remember.

I think some people have never fallen in love, at all, and for them, I wonder how come. Maybe they have not 'met the right one' yet, or they are searching for the unattainable. In my short life, I have sincerely fallen in love twice. The third time I fall in love, I hope it will be a happy ending for me.

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence

A lot to think about

Been reading about saddening things lately. Is it because I'm sad that sad things just look for me? Or that despite my unhappiness I can still feel sad, and even sadder at others' predicaments? Maybe it's just the world that I cannot keep up with - have I been living in my own utopia that I fail to see others' sadness, or even ridicule them for having emotions such as these?

Chanced upon a girl's blog who got pregnant by her then-boyfriend (who is an SAF merit scholar, humpf!) who mercilessly dumped her. It hits so close to home. In another lifetime, I could be her.

It's not fair that the mother has to carry the emotional, social and much of the financial burden of bringing up the child, while the father and his family try to bury this episode, keep it from family and friends and move on with their lives, as though this episode had never happened. I am sure that in 5, maximum 10 years, LX would marry a woman he loves and bring up wanted and happy children, providing them with all the love he can give and fulfill as much of their material wants as possible, while his first child has to bear the social stigma of coming from a single parent family, and unable to enjoy much material wants, because his/her mom can barely feed herself, him/her and her elderly parents.

And, tragically the suicide of a young schoolteacher. She's only 24. She had marital problems, and could not take it. And yes, she was a christian. The school tried to cover it up by saying it was heart failure. Even most of the staff were fooled. But those who suspected and knew about it, had their doubts.

Rest in peace, Ms Leong. You’ve been a good teacher. We will remember you always.

It hits so close to home. She will be replaced, by another teacher. And soon, the memories of her will fade, oblivious, into the distance, replaced by more current thoughts, by the latest exciting new happenings. It is always the ones left to mourn that bear the burden of their memories. Kai still talks about Yen's brother. It's been two years since he jumped from a newly-built condo. Does the time span matter? Is it healthy for him to talk about the memories as if they happened recently? I have no answers. And in view of these serious life and death matters, my small upset-ness seem almost trivial, almost laughable at the seriousness of such a small matter which hopefully will be settled this weekend.

____________________________________________


I am reminded by something that stuck in my mind recently, something about how Jesus sometimes picked out people in the crowd- those unlovely, prostitutes, tax collectors, and on purpose, chose to spend time with them, talk to them. These words have spoken to me so strongly. Last Saturday, after YAS, I saw one of my ex-cell members sitting alone at Adam food centre. He's now in Shiner's cell. Later, I chose to 'forsake' my disciples(current members) and decided to altogether skip dinner and concentrate on talking to him. He's someone that would be ostracised by-and-large; but not by me. I think some would misunderstand my actions, perhaps they would think I'm neglecting my cell, or only interested in talking to guys from Sheepy's section... but I hope that my small action of spending some time talking to him would impact him in a positive light. Hearing his troubles, I had little to say, but I knew he wanted to hear, something from me, something from Shiner that would stop him on the path of self-destruction and disillusionment. Before we left, I said twice, "Theo, you have a destiny in God."

I think Sheepy caught it, he glanced at me in approval when left, even though I was hoping only for approval from God. I'm not Jesus, nor am I trying to be one, but I am reminded by the difference that half-an-hour can make in someone's life. I guess I've really changed - I used to be 'social-butterfly-like', as Uncle Bern would say, fluttering from table to table saying hi. Well I do have many acquaintances. And I was afraid they would view me as unfriendly.

But now, I aim to be more sincere, to find someone to know better, someone's life to speak into, a connection with some people that could never be established with a friendly 'hi'-and-nothing-else-to-say.

The feeling of falling asleep crying

The feeling of falling asleep crying and then waking up is just miserable - I don't want to go back to sleep, I don't want to feel so 'down'... Deep inside I don't believe that this friendship can be restored. Perhaps all along I've adopted the escapist mentality "Just pretend everything is alright." And you know too, that it's not. Just waiting to see my initiatives.

So many articles, books, telling me about conflict management, mediations... Now it's my own one... so how? I am clueless, it feels so ridiculous having some wise person sitting in our problems and spouting some wise advice... I'd much rather talk privately... but at the same time, I know it would not resolve anything as he'd still stick to his guns... I wish he didn't, I'd love him more if he was not so chauvinist, so traditional-minded that he has to defend his 'inactions', which is totally his fault, by the way. Even Frankie agrees that he should come out and apologize, sincerely.

I don't think I can choose being close to one and not the other. I don't want to. I'm still upset. Overwhelmingly so. I'm afraid I'd burst into tears at the meeting up, which would not help one single bit, and make him feel somehow guilty... I don't understand my volatile emotions, I don't give serious thoughts to them. I'm just somehow puzzled that I will feel so... And wish for someone to tell me exactly what they mean.


God can you send me a friend who will just understand me, somehow?

Being in this situation makes me realise how helpful it would be to have someone, on my side, who's looking out for me, and will support me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, be practical, wipe away the idiotic tears and let me handle my problems myself. Someone, whom I'm waiting for.

I want to solve this as soon as possible. Crying is tiring... I wonder how those Korean actresses get paid... it's unutterably tiring and does horrors to my eyes.

Exasperation time with Travis

Been praying for a chance to 'trash things out' with Travis before it turns into resentment or I stop talking to him altogether... I really couldn't take it if I remained silent and sullen, so unlike me... at the same time I worry whether I'm over reacting or should I just ignore my upset-ness... I don't want my feelings to be validated by his apologies, which I know he will, once I bring the issue up. So I did the wisest thing, after trying for the whole day to grab him into a corner which I can't, really. I called him, and told him straightforwardly, "I'm upset with you." And I couldn't say what about 'cuz there's so many little exasperations and idiosyncracies that just makes me so so frustrated, and trying to explain them makes me even more exasperated that I just said, I only called to tell you I'm upset, that's it... ... which at the point he asked the reasons for my upset-ness so that he could improve himself, but I was really... upset, so I just said that that's it lar, I don't care what you do about it, and I'm not asking for an apology, I just wanted to tell you I'm upset that's all.

I'm not so selfish as to want him to change to make me happy. I don't want him to change for me. I'd rather change myself, adapt to the way he is 'cuz I totally understand his rationale for doing things, just that I don't buy into it, and I would never be insincere in doing things, no matter what... The way we view life is totally different and just talking to him, I can wring his neck... or start yelling... haizzzz... Thing is I care, I care too much... and perhaps both of us have the escapist mentality, trying to be nice, knowing but not really understanding. He's as stubborn as me... I think secretly I admire it, 'cuz I'm really standing my ground too.

In the end (Or perhaps it's the beginning) we decided to have a time to meet to really talk it out. That's quite nice of him, although I'm really really skeptical about how 'open' he is.... he still thinks I'm too sensitive (Although he apologized for saying that) and yes, we used the words 'You always....' and 'It's all your fault' in the short conversation, tsk tsk. And he said he'll pray about it...I mean, I do pray about it too. So much, 'cuz I care.

Actually I felt quite sad that I had to bring it up, but I'm even sadder if this friendship were to disintegrate, that we'd just drift apart because of our unique-and -unfortunately-clashing differences... sorry that I feel like this, but I really really feel like this! URRR! Sniff.

In the silences between sentences

::Poem, copyright mine::


Nothing to say
Hiding behind veiled smiles
And polite greetings
And clumsy attempts at initiating warmth
I struggle within
To find the real person
Someone I like
Someone I know
A person who knows me, too.

Needing a chance to let you hear me
A moment for a little conversation
Happiness defined in a single instant
Newfound joy at small pleasures,
And immediate answers.

In the silences between sentences,
I look into the sky
And catch a glimpse of your smile.

It remind me of a hand behind the scenes
It reassures me
That when everything fails,
When there’s nothing else to be said,

I can still hear the words that mean everything.


_______________________________________________

Many times when I'm praying to God I wonder whether my mumblings actually effect anything on earth - most of the things I pray about are those that need long-term visionary skills... However I have prayed about the small things, too, and God has been amazingly good in bringing them to pass instantaneously. I have increased faith, and a smile on my face as He gives over and above the things I've asked for -my wants, my desires. Everything in His time.

Categories: poetry,

all together now... captured with smiles 

Knowing Me, Knowing You. Committee! 

After one night of an illicit copulation...

Had very, very mixed feelings yesterday.

Mum told me the good/bad? news.

Mitten is a new father.

One month ago, lil bro secretly put Mitten in the ladies' cage. For a night. Found out the next afternoon when I was chirping for them and only Misty came out, then realised that Mitten was not in the cage. Had 5 minutes of paralyzing fear when I thought that he was mauled by Meme. He peeked out of the ladies' cage... And all was well.

Didn't know Mitten was... ummm, sexually mature yet. He's soooo small, it's like a teenage pregnancy/birth and as a single mother of sorts, I feel slightly guilty. I should have taught him better, educated him about abstinence and ... consequences of copulating. At the same time, I'm really proud of the kiddo 'cuz the lady produced 6 hamlets - actually 7, one was a stillbirth. 6 small, red squirming hamlets (hamsterlets? hamsterlings? urh.) Hope they look like the father 'cuz he's so handsome... Ah... Asked Shiner if he wanted some in his hall, he gave me a half shocked, half disgusted look and giggled and said it was too troublesome. Was still reeling from the shock last evening after I got home from Adam but now, I guess I look forward to watching them grow up from small, furless, red, peanut-sized, hamlets.

Something else to occupy my mind

When God speaks, He speaks.

And I'm not a terrific listener so He'd have to repeat the message again; over and over, until I get it.

Mmmm.

I've realised that I'm always occupied with something - mentally, I have to keep my mind running on numerous deep thoughts; on the road, I have to plug in music and drift away half of my senses on the sounds. There's not really a moment of silence, a moment of peace. And I pray, but I realise too that I've been investing too much of my prayers into other preoccupations rather than my ministry. Nothing wrong with that, but they are not my priorities right now. I shall challenege myself to pray like 70% (if it can be quantified) for cell and members, and maybe the rest on my personal prayer needs. I'm still unquenchably happy, this is just an area which I feel God is moving me to improve on for now.

Also, He spoke to me, about the 'abandonment of my preoccupations'. It's tough, this one. Told my prayer buddy yesterday - to pray over this area for the next two weeks or so.

_________________________

FOP was great, I was overwhelmed at the fact that there were 13,000 of us worshipping God together at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Yes, it was crowded, hot and stuffy, there was pushing and cutting queue...some of my friends couldn't get in... but, the presence of God was there from the first song.

Ulp?

Ulp.

Still have many many many things to do for 'Knowing Me, Knowing You." Help! Aye I'd better get some people to help me out here... On saturday, see who's free to do some banner- and sign- making. Mailbox surprisngly full cuz I received over 10 emails with the red '!' sign, which probably means that it's important for me to ACT UPON... Hahaha by tuesday anyways. Hope my monday is a loooong one.

My biscuits are finishing. The rainy weather makes me hungry... Very hungry. Well, they lasted quite long... thinking of bringing some cookies to share with the famished in the FOP queue tomorrow. Or perhaps I'd just distribute muesli bars. I have an inner raving hillsong fanatic. But I guess I'd just queue quietly. Should be optimistic, maybe there isn't even a queue, and miraculously we can all get to sit together!

Realised something today, that if I click on the green 'start' button on my desktop (computer la), and go to 'all programs', go to 'accessories', go to 'system tools', there is a scroll list where, amongst the many commands, I can select "Character Map"... and once clicked, a list of black and white symbols beckon, some familiar, some looking like nondescript squiggles, indistinguishable from the next squiggle... Was thinking, how great it would be if all of us were like computers - I mean, this part where we can just click on 'Character Map', and then the 'answer' just pops up and we can view each other's characters, instead of taking a whole lifetime to discover it, to discover our own. Maybe I'd choose to 'hide' mine, there are so many people outr there with a better 'character map' than mine - I'm increasingly sarcastic and think evil thoughts at times, accompanied with the evil laughter. Wouldn't say I'm selfish, but I should criticise less and encourage more. Flipped through 'Boundaries in Dating', it told me that it's 'not advisable' to date liars. Well, of course. Then they noted down some lying thoughts I'm guilty of - about being with someone in the past, about the past, about things that happened... goes on to say that there are two kinds of liars, one is those 'no hope liao', despicably self centred types, the other is one that has a heart but needs some character improvement, probably 'cuz they haven't had any good role models or not mature in this area. And I was thinking, aye, that's me. And I suffer, for being so analytical, too analytical of myself.

Ultimate Prayer Generator

As long as there is faith, we should never doubt the power of prayer. Even in the little insignificant things that you think don't really matter to God or to anyone else.

Power Weekend - just over with a wonderful ministry by Rev Che Ahn; "Crossing Over to the Other Side" - served at the altar, such a privilege to see up close the healings and salvations. My cell member happily reported to me that on Sunday, her mother's back pain (due to work conditions) was miraculously gone. Her mother also knew that it was the work of God, as Fifi shared with her about Power Weekend. I rejoice along with her, it is all the more meaningful to me as we prayed together about it during cell last tuesday. It became a personal victory for me, too! Fifi has herself undergone trials of faith, being diagnosed with thyroidism a few years back. Just seeing her faith level rising because of God's gracious answer sends me into bursts of joy.

Was just thinking how nice it would be if there is some sort of user-friendly device where we can input our secret prayer requests and there would be a team praying constantly, round-the-clock for every lil request. Sheepy shared that he had his core group guys to cover him in prayer every day of the week - one guy taking one day. Quite an ingenious idea, but I told him that those who are committed to praying for me has to have a greater discipline - they must pray for me, everyday. Hoho. I could do with a few more though, realised that sometimes I don't share enough of my prayer requests, as a result they take a longer time to see fulfilment. So, Rachel's potential prayer buddy, pls sign up here... ...

Even though God has answered many of my personal prayer requests, I recently wondered whether some of my prayers were futile. Last year while in Alpha Track, I prayed everyday for three months, for Kenny - He was a new believer who became a companion of sorts. And he seemed to flourish, attended prayer meetings and such regularly. Even shared that he took one hour to read the Bible daily - something which even I cannot do. However, he took a sudden turn into disappearing and once he was gone, I thought that he would never come back. His priorities was not with God. My faith faltered a bit, and even though I would sms him periodically about church, I never prayed for him after that. Perhaps I felt it was a waste of time. Perhaps I was just too disappointed, having invested too much time and energy. It's harder to see personal friends backsliding, more so than cell members, for me.

But a year later, exactly last week, he came; for the first time in a year, to the 5pm service.

God works miracles, indeed. When I saw him, it was as if God was chiding me, that although I could not see the physical fulfilment of SOME of my prayers now, being faithful in intercession is something I cannot give up.

Made it a point that when I said to people "I'll keep you in prayer", I really will remember to write it down and pray. (But they also never feedback to me whether the prayer is answered or not, perhaps I need to ask them again.)


And personally, I'm still believing for many many things.

For my friends who are overseas, that God will sustain them.

For my friends who are wanting to be attached, and then married, (that they will stop pressurizing me into it too! Haha!)that they will find God's best to settle down with them, soon.

For people that need healing from their sickness.

For my backslidden friends... hopefully they will commit themselves to a Trinity cell again.

For myself, all I want is to be happy, to be a good cell leader, to fulfil my destiny... and a thousand other small requests...

A weird state of being closer

'Do not forget that the value and interest of life is not so much to do conspicuous things... as to do ordinary things with the perception of their enormous value.'
-Pierre Teilhard De Chardin.

It's hard being a thinker when you can't reconcile your feelings to your thoughts - that in the view of self-expression and genuine emotion, you want to tell someone what you think about how he feels; yet, there isn't and probably never will be 'a suitable time', to 'trash' things out, and the peeved-ness is smothered under a blanket of politeness, albeit insincerely.

Sheepy said something really amazingly contradictory today, once again on the topic of love, as our tenet course draws near: He mentioned how he cliqued well with older girls because of their maturity, yet found some of their thinking more immature as compared to his'. Then he said that to younger people, he would try to talk down to their level (something I would never agree with), to communicate with them effectively. But if the reverse is true, then perhaps the older girls he knew, knew he was younger and more immature, thus talking down to his level which they imagined to be, thus appearing immature to him? He had to concur on that. Kudos to my logicality - but I found it very tiring trying to explain to Shiner and Sheepy my thoughts on deep stuff, although I do treasure meaningful conversations.

Later, while sipping chinese tea and eating a nice sunday brunch of congee and various dim sum(The egg pastries were nice) he asked me: "So, what is THE quality you are looking for (in a potential mate)?" I quietened down my fiery mood (Lack of sleep, so super defensive feel) and replied, that he has to be faithful. Perhaps, being sensitive for once, and seeing that I could be possibly on the verge of tears (no, I wasn't) Sheepy did not make any other interrogations, but left it at that and we moved on to other topics. I think I told them that any unfaithfulness is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship, can't blame the guilty party alone.

I'm glad I have these friends to support me at this point of time - Still ambiguous about Sheepy, he seems to be behaving weirdly these days... ultimately hope that things will be like it was before, although I don't really expect it to. What can I do, I've already presented myself at his door with my time and listening ears, but he didn't seem in the mood to share one-on-one. So many questions, left unanswered as perhaps I'm not really interested in hearing his explanations, given his state of being. I've decided to not interact that much these days, but just perhaps let everyone have some time to themselves. Already am seeing Shiner like 4 days out of 7, Dee asked jokingly, how come we're like Siamese twins? Everyday must talk to each other isit? To which I replied back, 'Nah, alternate days is okay...' All that aside, I'm happy for the fact that I've a buddy, one who will at the very least show evident signs of concern for my well-being. Not to mention, a grocery carrier too! Had a fun time buying some nice, expensive biscuits from Marketplace at Tanglin. Hopefully the bags' worth will last for breakfast this week, I'm a horrible cookie snacker.

Meandering in the secret garden, a place once found

Certain people just need some time spent with them - an undivided, quality attention time; and they will tell you bits and snippets of their life, that, when you leave, you feel as though a part of their souls have been safely deposited with you. And you leave, peaceful in the fact that you part a little bit closer, having a deeper understanding of each other, and of how that friendship came to be.

That is the way it is, with me. And with you too. Or so I thought. Perhaps I was oblivious to the way we did not manage to find our way together, or the times that we clashed, I took it as playful banter. But time and again, I became disappointed as I looked for a time, an opportunity to share my thoughts, but you unseemingly brushed these away, as if they were of no consequence. Felt irritatingly hurt at your insensitive comments which I knew you didn't mean, but saying it out anyways had no positive effects on me.

Then I remembered, that it was not always like this. A few short months ago, you used to only have kind words for me - now, your tongue seems brusque. Previously, all I wanted to do was to spend some time chatting with you, for I loved your wise advice and gentle friendliness. Now, your crappiness irritate me, and I am really affected, although I try to take things easy. But I could never tell you that - nor would you take it, in the right spirit.

I know you're not like me, not the sort that would share life stories with everyone - you're reserved... but, it seems as though, when once, I was part of the elite forces of your soul, now, I'm a guest, restricted to the outer courts of your heart. We did have deep meaningful sharings once. Not too long ago. And in the amount of time you took to open up to me, it seems all is inconsequential now due to the state of your thinking. Perhaps it is subconscious - I'd like to think that you don't even know the changes which surfaced in yourself these past months. Maybe an unforeseen incident triggered off some painful past hurts so you put a wall up again. I'm tired of trying, too.

Why are you so guarded? I thought, I was someone you wanted to share with. Maybe, I'm wrong.

It hurts when I see someone I care about very much driving me away, intentionally or not.
My natural response would be to condemn you as not being worthy of my time or energy, and devote my resources to others. But I cannot forget, the times where you looked out for me, the fact that you are still praying faithfully for me. Let me know you more, I'd certainly cherish it - and our friendship, no matter what.

Brimming in blissful glee

Happy, happy happy!

I think someone must have been praying for me to be filled with joy. And yes, it's a blissful state of being where nothing unhappy touches me and I'm constantly smiling to myself, giggling softly at the things that tickle me, looking at my dear friends and beaming at them... wanting to tell everyone, I'm happy! Haha! I'm not often like this - in fact I'm usually trying to be serious and quite, dark... But yea, now, it's as if something has changed in the inside of me! I'm brimming with joy... Overwhelmed, when I see all the possibilities before me, when I know that God is speaking to me, when I see the wonderful people in my cell, helping others, and growing themselves...

It's infectious and I want to make people smile, too.

Maybe this is how it feels when you have no worries, because yo have submitted everything to God in prayer, and you realised recently that things are going your way. Which is, His way. That you are doing good, more things are in store! And you look forward to it with glimmers of anticipation, knowing that even though things don't work out the way you wanted, you can always be thankful that at least it happened. Vague yes, 'cuz it has yet to happen.

And I can't wait!

Being happy in every lil thing

I realised that being overjoyed lately, in a constant state of gleeful happiness, rubs off people. My cell became a giggly bunch, we laughed and laughed today. Retail assistants I met seemed to want to joke with me and were tremendously helpful for my errands today. That's the way it should be, no worries, putting my trust in God for everything to work out just fine. It's not easy for me to do so - and never was, but for weeks now God has been saying, 'Do not grab and grasp, just trust in Me...' That He will make everything beautiful in His Time.

Had a really good conversation today till 3am. Reminiscent of those campus days where Time was of no consequence (if you didn't have morning class), and I could just yakk away for hours and go to bed really tired, and sleep really peacefully till almost noon. That being said, I'm a quality time person, and being on the phone sometimes beats meeting one-on-one. It's definitely more relaxing, and I can just have a focused conversation without worrying about eye contact, whether I look fierce or troubled and the person will misinterpret my body language, just slack into the couch and have a proper, decent conversation which I hadn't, in ages. Of course, me being in an alarmingly overjoyed mood, wanting to change mindsets, 'wake people's ideas' up', and be encouraging, motivational, and sincerely friendly at the same time proved to be no mean feat. Guess he was amazed at how I could be so peppy despite having quite a tiring day, after traisping toapayoh to bencoolen to arab street, to home, to cell, to jalan kayu, still could chirp happily about my cell and ministry! Thought that Shiner wanted to talk, he smsed if I was sleeping (I'm a late 'bird) but when I called apparently he snoozed already. For a moment thought that perhaps something bad had happened... but I guess he was just homesick... not used to his roommate's snoring perhaps! Hahaha.

Interpersonal relationships fascinates me. It's strange how you can 'know' someone for a super long time, and know everything about the person, yet know nothing... and discover that there's so many more hidden facets about this person that are...hmmm, interesting, and you feel sort of 'sucked in' to this person's sphere, that you just want to keep on finding out more and more, and there seems to be a point where, you two are so 'gam' that you start to talk like each other, laugh like each other and know each other's there for you, that there's nothing that will make you feel uncomfortable with each other. You start to be increasingly fond of the person, and naturally, close too.

For me, this always happens, but not with my other-half-to-be. Happy to talk, but no long conversations? No sweet deeper understanding? No nonverbal communication, soulmate-like linking of hearts? Argh. Perhaps these are just trial lessons. For the main course, it will be something special!

=)

"My soul magnifies the Lord ... For He lifts the lowly, He's done great things for me!"

- Mary, in the Gospel of Luke, paraphrased by me.

Woo. It's been an exciting week for me! Made new friends, new cell member arrived from Chennai, caught up with quite a lot of people, managed to clear some stuff and finally start gymming again, new Corrinne May CD! It's great! Exciting days ahead too! Wooo...

Some good advice from Shiner that 'when you smile more', you appear younger. Apparently he does believe in that! So I mischievously shot back at him, "So I should keep smiling at him, issit?" Haha. Looking mature is better than looking childish, I am convinced of that. It's better for people to think I'm 24 than ... 18... I guess! Although nowdays I can't tell ages of people, I am losing my touch. But yes, let me dazzle people with my bootiful smile. Smile more, everyone! (Although when Sheepy frowns at me I find it rather endearing, too!)

I'm thankful, that God has answered my wee prayers - immediately too. I blush as I type, (firguratively), so perhaps now is not the time to pen it down. Shared it with Shiner today as a form of encouragement - to see possibilities, in everything - but I kept laughing with incredulity at 'how can I pray for such a thing' to see it happen, and it did... So, advice to self is to be careful in what you pray for, even though it might seem inconsequential or really nonsensical, ... God hears! And He will answer. Indeed, he did, so directly that I just smiled and smiled at Him, to myself, thinking that it is almost a miracle... an encounter with God, who loves us and is planning an exciting future ahead!

And I'm still smiling now... hee

Everyone longs for someone

Glad to see a long email from Ches in my mailbox today. He's headed to Boston from the Virgin Islands now. I emailed him some of the stuff I posted recently, as he's such an avid reader and I thought it would be nice... help him to see how I view life, too.

He wrote back that:

"...i did feel a fair amount of connection with some of the stuff you wrote, i guess it's what goes through most young ppl's minds. but as for now, 'relationship' is a far away from my mind. why? God hasn't showed me anyone yet..... the usual reasons. i wouldn't say that they're excuses and that i'm secretly longing for someone special; with the life that i'm living now, almost all forms of intimate relationships (e.g. with my mom, close friends) have been sort of on hold, lying dormant. for better or worse, it's as if i've been able to detach that part of me when i leave for sea, storing it safely in some repository, ready to be re-attached as i leave for home. and everytime i do that i feel i lose a bit of my 'emotional sensitivity,' for want of a better word."

I somehow felt so sad after I read that - the honestly, and the depth of emotion summed up in a way I never could. Doesn't everyone long for someone? These days, I've been wondering about something Jelly said - he just spoke out his thoughts absentmindedly, thinking aloud whether a decision is the right one, as he hasn't heard from God yet. I guess, in that sense, he is more spiritual than I am, for countless decisions I've made, I did not consult God per se or even pray about it thoroughly. I do want to tell him though that sometimes - many times, God does not answer audibly - like the way He answered me, when I was making that same decision, a few years back. God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I would like to tell him that yes, just decide, it is correct, I sense God calling you; but then again, how can I be so sure, and how can he base that decision on the trust of my words - a person he doesn't even know well?

Wanted to encourage Jelly to take that step of faith, in believing for the best outcome - but words failed me yet again; and I could only smile, in the silent comprehension of a common understanding between two people who are trying to be godly, and trying to do what is right.

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence

A book in the hand and a teh-c in the other

Reading - ah, one of my passions, although I don't really fancy reading the news these days... it's an occupational hazard for me too - I have to read fashion mags cover to cover, it's not good - singaporean ones make me want to 'get that dress now!'; tempt me materialistically...and the content is not as good as foreign ones which include more well-written and thought-provoking pieces. 'Allure' is good.

I'm quite a miser when it comes to buying books, perhaps I choose them by their covers, and made really boring decisions(however, they had nice covers); choosing christian books, previously. Thus quite afraid to buy books, only under recommendation or when a preacher comes to town. Lately the only books I bought were Dick Purnell's 'Building a Lasting Love' (Sheepy exerted pressure) and John C. Maxwell's "Your Roadmap to Success" at the campus crusade sale; finished the first one in... 2 months...I'm losing my...passion, usually I can finish a lengthy book in 2 days max. like I did for Dan Brown's 'Da Vinci Code', and lately, 'Angels and Demons' - which had a much better plot and better writing as well.

Found a nice christian book place at City Square, bought 4 books for under $50, quite pleased about that. I'm going to start reading: 1. C.S. Lewis 'On Love'. 2. John C. Maxwell 'Becoming a People Person' 3. Philip Yancey 'Rumours of Another World' (nice, shiny cover) and 4. Henry and Richard Blackaby 'Spiritual Leadership'(Also very nice cover. Embossed!). It's good to know that my cell members are avid bookworms, more so than me... Seeing a newbie buying 3 books at one shot in manna bookstore really encourages me to start investing in good books. Felt that reading books together with people helps the relationship along too, it's simply wonderful reading along with someone who wants to listen to you dissect the entire paragraph and then debate your separate views. I tend to reflect a lot on the internal, so speaking it aloud better helps my thoughts along, compared to an inaudible monologue.

Mewsy lent me "Keep a Quiet Heart", Elisabeth Elliot. This part was especially thought-provoking for me:

Are you willing to be and have what He wants you to be and have, and nothing else? Will you surrender all your own hopes, dreams and plans to Him?

'Is my Father in charge here or am I supposed to take over?' He is in charge if you want Him to be. He will not invade your freedom to choose to 'take over'. But if you want His way, nothing more, nothing less, and nothing ELSE, you've got to leave it to Him...

Even though I've been a cell leader for some time now, sometimes this untamed spirit in me just takes over. Always wanting to rush things - 'cuz I see possibilities ahead of others, wanting to move on fast... I'm still learning to let God lead, it's really pleasurable that way. The vision, dreams for my life, for my cell, it will all come to pass, let God do it!

Realised again today how much I can influence people if I am willing to. Just a small incident at our favorite hawker - somehow, the people at my table ordered the same drink - 'teh-c' as me, perhaps they trusted my taste? God spoke to me actually through this! To influence people in the right way.

Told Shiner at the bus stop, that I wanted to be low-profile in church, I don't want everyone to know my name, to know my cell's name, to think they know me, a part of me, somehow... but because of my involvement in publicity-generating roles, inevitably the whole district gets to know my name and I am really, embarassed and at a loss of what to do or say to those people who know me; but I don't know them. And people would just come up to me and share to me, their lives, anecdotes, things they're facing... I don't know why. People of all ages - my friends' mums, acquaintances.... This, I relish, because it gives me an opportunity to share too, and encourage. But once you think of it, it seems rather freaky that people place so much trust in you, and you wonder, did I do something right here...? Some might say it's a natural ability, a special gift God has placed upon your life. I used to joke that I have the 'tell me your life story' face. I know that God can use my life experiences to be uplifting to those. But maybe, I don't want it - I don't really want to know all the unhappy things, or the struggles, or the shocking stuff... just let me think of them as a carefree, easygoing person without any hangups. An unworrisome imagination.

Once again, God has reminded me to be bold. To speak up and speak the truth - often accompanied by a verse, when it's time to do so. Which I haven't been doing so. 'Cuz I'm bo-chup, when people tell me stuff I just try to be a good listener. Whoever said 'don't give advice' isn't true. After many instances I realised abit of godly advice to a teachable heart transforms lives. I want to be a part of that, too. I will try - even though I could use a bit of sensible teaching, myself.

I hope the next time I drink 'teh-c' or whatever, I won't see people imitating me though!

C.S. Lewis on Love

(This is excerpted from C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity)

"Being in Love"

What we call being in love is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, 'the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs.'

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things beow it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling...

Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last, but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense - love as distinct from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, mantained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God...

'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity; this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.


Don't stop your heart from fluttering when it ought to. Don't deny feelings you always knew were there. You never know if you never try, what it feels like to hold the beloved one in your arms, to see the sun light up in the horizon once he smiles at you. Embrace, the essence of love, of two people from opposite genders realizing that they ought to celebrate the story of how it came to be.

"You understand me,
Embrace my fragility.
You keep me safe in a crazy world." - Corrinne May.

2 in like

Some people are naturally encouraging in such a subtle way that you don't realise it until you do.

Sometimes when two people like each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together.

I've ever prayed to God "Help me not to like this person".

With the help of my prayer buddy who dismissed the seriousness with gentle ribbing, but eventually he prayed too, albeit in a humorous way and told me he complied.

I'm always careful of what I pray for, because my prayers work. And it did, I stopped having tremulous feelings and could look the guy in the eye and have a decent conversation with him without my tummy fluttering butterflies.

I prayed that prayer because in reality, which remains unchanged, the future for us was not a part of it, even though he was perfect in all other aspects.

Sometimes when two people like each other, it doesn't mean they have to be together.
They have to ask God and themselves, "Do we share the same destiny?" "Will our destinies converge?"

... to be continued, when I have more answers to the tough ones.

An inclination to Shiner's side

It's always the case for me.

How I develop a sudden bonding to certain buddies of mine because of a burgeoning interest in their good friend. And then when the feeling ends, how these buddies stay on to become permanent fixtures in my life even though we don't talk about loveful feelings anymore.

Lately been attached to Shiner - at his side, like some sort of appendage. It's not intentional on my side, it just happens that amongst the many thorns he's the one with a sincere concern for me, and one I can trust with my words. Also, the time spent dissecting what was said and what was done by the sweet sweet guy, we developed some strong bonding for the both of us. There's no such thing as 'too close' for me - between friends - I always need closer ones, me being so guarded; and Shiner's here for this season.

When people are close, others around them can sense it, they either remain silently observing, or in a true Singaporean way, make jibes at the both of you: "Eh how come you two alone here at the bus stop *hint*" "Both of you like very close, hor" To which I'd usually reply with a sardonic facial expression, and have to reassure the poor guy (Shiner in this case) that being associated with me is not a bad thing in itself and the jibes or whatever will die down, with time. It's one of a many times for me, and I'm sure, not the last. I think I have the wannabe attached look that's why. Or perhaps, they are really interested in 'who I'm waiting for'. Which if they are really interested, I will really tell them his beautiful name. But they didn't ask so the speculation goes on. Spice up their lives a bit...

I realised that some things are not to be rushed, relationships, friendships, there needs to be a certain amount of time invested into it.

It is also through the trying seasons in life that you realise the mettle of your friends - the intensity of their prayers, and their faith in you and God.

For me, I've been trying to be a good friend and cell leader. Every morning before work, whilst waiting for the northbound train (4 mins usually), I will pray for Sheepy's and Fifi's healing to take place. I can't say I'm faithful enough to believe totally that my prayers are effective - for I have just started to believe. I've never prayed for someone everyday before. Not for a really long time. I hope though, I can continue praying months and months and one day, they will tell me that they are healed.

It seems so easy, just to say a lil prayer for someone for a few minutes each day.

If it is so easy, how come I find it challenging...

Some days, it seems so difficult to pray.

NKF scandal : "Commercial relationship" and lack of transparency

With slight excitement I realise that at the centre of the NKF controversy surrounding its' CEO, Mr T T Durai, and his lack of openness regarding some bathroom fixtures and fleet of cars, certain misdemeanors on his side do pertain to my (former) interests.

After all, I was employed at ProtonWeb Solutions - The company owned by Matilda Chua, sister of Elizabeth who was my former superior. Even though I only worked at the place - formerly Cantonment Road, now shifted to Temasek Boulevard - for three months or so, it was enough. Although I was working in a mostly christian environment, Matilda was a staunch Catholic and the rest were Christians from various denominations, I thought that the working experience there was pretty bad, with the usual office politicking and nitpicking about little details that totally irked me. At first, it did not bother me - I did not see the need for me to get involved in the company's dealings as I was only a contract staff, filling in the time for some much needed cash so that I could go on a holiday. However, being a small company, with most of its Chennai engineers situated at the NKF site, I had to handle some telemarketing accounts, notably the ABN-AMRO Moneyline account. It was definitely an environment with high stress levels as I had to handle customer's complaints, liase with the bank, and the Manager in India had to give me a daily update. I thought that it was a very underpaid job for the amount of work I did. Even if they offered me like 2K I wouldn't go back, ever.

But all in all it was a learning, working experience for me to be there with them. I wonder how my ex-colleagues are coping with the scandal. I'm sure they will lose business as a result. Or perhaps the reverse makes more sense - free publicity, unheard of before, in the telemarketing industry. Perhaps now people will remember their name more than Premas (It's the company that answers your call when you are trapped in the lift, haha...) or some other bigshots with funny names.

I do have some doubts about the media and it's inaccurate representations now, because honestly, GlobalNetRelations has ceased operating although it's name is still registered to Matilda. I want to speak up for her, not because I like her, or I'm 'benefitting' in any way, but I really think that she has been misrepresented - the article alludes to some sort of sneakery going on between her and Durai, which I can foresee does not do any good to her family or business relations. All in all, Matilda is really young, in her 30s with a newborn child, and I admire her competence for aggressively obtaining business, whether though personal contacts or not, I felt that all her liasings were above reproach.

It's strange as I was thinking yesterday about being ethical, and I heard that a certain former alliance of mine had set up a company, not too long ago. We were friends once, and I did share to him my (achievable) dream of opening a small apparel retail shop in Singapore, one day soon. He too, told me about the entrupreneurial plans he had, and even suggested we form a partnership. I was skeptical of his 'far-flung' words as I always thought he was too sure of himself, too over confident. Now, I found out that he has set up a business which looks like it's doing well. However, I question the ethicality (if there is such a word) of his doings.

I know his character well, this guy is someone who has an inflated opinion of himself - I do sound harsh here, I'm not that critical usually, but he has really rubbed me the wrong way with many of his deeds which would make him really squirm if it comes to daylight. Being unrepentant is one thing, but constantly being dubious, I cannot stand. And, he is both. Plus also being a 'fair-weather' friend, urgh! I'm glad I'm no longer talking to him, it would be hazardous to my general well-being.

His company's website was like a self-promo of the man, how great he is, and all the achievements listed there proudly. Oh yes, plus his girlfriend's image, cute-ly placed at strategic points to further push the products, the poor girl. I, for one, know that some of his claims are highly exaggerated, like he claims he 'managed the account for a top advertising firm in singapore'; which I know for a fact that that was his attachment job in the polytechnic!!! It's really... disgusting to say the least... and this gives a false impression of how trustworthy his character is, which in reality, is bollocks.

I wonder how some people can convince themselves to believe in an untrue reality, one which is cooked up by themselves.

It is often said that it's the small things that determine your character, and through this, I realise how important it is to represent things authentically. Why hide the truth when there is nothing to be ashamed of? Why tell people things that you need to retract later? No one will believe it, sooner or later. Good advice often falls on deaf ears and I shall highlight his lack of integrity to the people I know who can chide him, even though it may be a waste of my precious resources on my part.


And with companies under the spotlight at the moment for 'lack of transparency', I fear his ego might just lead him to the road of destruction.

Taciturn thoughts

'...what we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.'
(Wittgenstein - Tractatus, 1961)



Is silence the absence of sound, an empty receptacle - Is it possible to experience total sensory deprivation, and still, live?

A silent understanding

The right to remain silent

A respectful one minute silence

Is it ever right for words to remain unspoken when it should?

In a culture where silence is a rare commodity, sometimes a quiet comprehension of situations beheld in the way where only a recognition can come about, without the use of words.

Some feelings, some thoughts are undefinable - when spoken or written about, they seem trivialised somehow by the usage of language that fails to leave an accurate impression or definition of what is within. Too many words/phrases have become too cliched - "Take Care"; "I will miss you when you're gone" ;"I love you"; "Shalom"... When spoken without meaning these words fail to convey sincerity, and the implications of saying them aloud.

Once again I ask myself about the integrity of my actions, and my words, and how perspectives are changed. Being influential, I sometimes scarily rationalise that my actions and words are not decitful in themselves, and manage to convince myself so. And others, too, are convicted. I want to see change take place... I want more sincerity in words spoken between friends.

Sometimes I am too guarded, I fail to realise the importance of what is left unsaid. And perhaps, left unsaid for too long, these precious words will never come, until it is too late.

Or worse, forgotten.

Unremembered - that you ever felt like that, that all you wanted was to tell him you are touched because of his concern, how pleased you are that he always looks out for you, that you remember the small sweet actions he does.

Sometime later, you will forget, and perhaps treat it as inconsequential - because things that are not remembered, that are not spoken and recorded, disappears into the sea of nothingness - washed away by a hundred other pressing thoughts that rush the mind and disrupts the senses.

Yet...sometimes, we just forget to say it. Or perhaps, we prefer silence.

rainy3 

rainy2 

rainy1 

Festival of Praise

Has to be my fave worship leader of all time... =)

The Essence of Falling in Love

To all those hopeless(or hopeful) romantics out there,

This post is for you. =)

For a really long time, I've never understood love. How a man loves a woman. How a woman loves a man. I've not really searched for it per se, usually it knocks on my door unexpectedly, born out of a sheer coincidence, or, as some would believe, affinity. Destiny. Your destiny to fall in love with this special someone who will become your lifetime partner.

After all, Love is a choice. You can choose to search for the right person to fulfil your desires, or, perhaps torn apart by some misendeavors previously, the heart can remain guarded - locked up for a long time, with iron-wrought bars that many fail to decipher. Hoping never to hurt or to be hurt again, you tread carefully through the waters ahead, finding the path that seems the easiest. Perhaps, you never really thought about being the someone special, or looking for someone to fall in love with. Perhaps, you try to convince yourself and everyone else that, you're still young...that, you haven't found the right one yet...that, you want to focus on other things at this season in time. You go around encouraging people in their matters of the heart, saying that God will fulfil your heart's desires; that love is just around the corner; commit everything in prayer - and all will be fine.

But sometimes, when you find yourself glancing at cute photos of couples; or wanting to watch that romance movie, you wistfully think for a moment, how nice it would be if I had someone with me. Someone who loves me. Then, as if brushing that thought away, and banishing it to the deepest recesses of your mind, you shake your head and walk on, as if pursued by reality, not imagination.

For you fear, that the next time will end in failure, yet again...'Too many times I've loved and lost', you say to yourself. Just recently, you opened your heart up to love again - but things did not work out, and although that was a meaningful journey, you fear that there cannot possibly be anyone out there who's just right for you. You analyse yourself- and start asking questions about yourself that cannot possibly be answered; or you start developing expectations so idealistic that no one alive can possibly hope to fulfil.

For once, ages ago, you found someone who you thought was the love of your life. In your youth, you pledged to remain faithful to each other, to marry each other when both graduated. You shared sweet moments together - took many photos together, long walks by the beach, a simple movie date and coffee after that. Everyone said you two were an ideal couple - and honestly, both of you believed that this love could last a lifetime.

But Time dealt its decree on this sweet relationship. One pursued after Life, success, and popularity. The other pursued after God. Conflicting passions and dissimilar goals in life led to constant bickering - both were miserable, more so because of the indiscretions they had shared. In reality, you knew this was not what you wanted. This was not your idea of a caring spouse. You tried, to remain committed, but your heart was already not with him. Even as he devoted himself to excelling in the world, you prayed for him. For his heart to change. There was still a glimpse of hope in the future for the both of you, you believed. Maybe after a 6 months period. Or a year - things would change. 'We still loved each other in so many ways', you thought.

And, just for a while, the prospect of things looked good. The indiscretions were dealt with and buried, he seemed commited to wanting you back and pursuing a healthy spiritual relationship. Inside, you were glad that he made a good choice. You had hope. But not long after, the strain began to show. He wavered between choosing life...and choosing love. For a long time he tried to be good. But he turned away, and chose the other.

Then, as you looked back, you thought that, it was too messy to start loving again. What's the point of it, as you believed that this type of love would not last. So, for years, you decided to immerse yourself in logic and rationality. To never look at guys again with passion. Treat them as friends, nothing else. To never fall in love. To always guard your heart. To focus on things that last.

And that worked for you. You achieved many things in life, without anyone's support. You believed in yourself. You excelled in school, in ministry, in many other things you applied yourself to. Sure, there were many other guys along the way. Nice ones. But you just weren't interested in starting a relationship. Perhaps you believed that it would be difficult to love someone else. Perhaps you didn't have a heart anymore. Without intention, you remained single for months which stretched into years; when before, you did not even go a couple of months before finding someone new. You matured, since those heady, fling-prone days. You never wanted to give your body without giving your mind, without knowing his heart. No longer would you be tempted to fail yourself in this aspect.

Now, something has changed, within. The assuredness of your gait becomes a trembly stumble as you realised that someone has touched your heart, touched your soul. And now, slightly wiser, instead of banishing these feelings, or changing your lifestyle so that you would not have to face him, you face it with the innocence and purity that is redeemed through God. You begin to warm to the possibility of...really...being...crazy about someone, small joys that set your heart fluttering - you remember little anecdotes he quipped while you were journeying together. Deep down you wonder whether what you are feeling is genuine, whether he cares for you too, not as a little sister, but as someone that can be there walking beside him in fulfilling his destinies. You wonder whether your pathways are a converged one, or might there be a time, soon, that these moments will cease to exist.

You feared that when you love him, you want to give your whole heart to him. And when you do that, you have nothing more to give.

But, you have already fallen in love... ...

To be continued, hopefully with a happy ending for myself. I've not sworn off guys, I would like to get married when I'm still young and have a happy family with a successful career, and a sweet, doting husband who spanks the kids and always tells me he loves me.

All of the above is true, to the best of my recollections. As a youth, I was impulsive, passionate, and idealistic. It's been said to me that I've mellowed down. I would like to think that I've kept a little bit of my naivete, some childlike innocence and a cheerful spirit. Certain things in life happen that no one has answers for, but we can be sure that ALL is safe in God's hands - and that we can trust in Him for a future. So whether you have lost a loved one, or are about to embark onto a relationship, remember to love, as He loved us. Agape...

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence

16 chapters of Proverbs wor!

Was miffed by some joker in the morning, claiming he's from church and smsed me if he could 'make friends'... Slightly tired also due to the long weekend of meetings which probably explains my irritated mood. Searched through Proverbs today, was looking for the verse Pastor Dominic spoke about "hope deferred..." I ended up reading 16 chapters of Proverbs, I think I'll keep at it and probably finish reading it tomorrow. That's the good thing in higher education, the independence of conducting our own study sessions and playing your own music instead of listening to blah ones on the radio, ones which you probably can't change the channels unless you're boss. Many many (too many) proverbs spoke to me... I underlined some of them in pencil. Here, in NLT:

Above all, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do (4/23)

No real harm befalls the godly, but the wicked have their fill of trouble (12/21)

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy. (13/12)

A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate. (15/17)

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps. (16/9)

Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the Lord will be happy. (16/20)

Shall try to remember all these. Many truths.

Believe...

Don't limit your possibilities to the visible.
Don't listen only to the audible.
Don't be controlled by the logical.
Believe that there is more to life than meets the eye!

-Max Lucado, Becoming a Person of Destiny, 1.5.