Chapter 2: A crossover

"Destiny is not a destination... Destiny is a journey." - Pastor Bruce Hill

I've been at the crossroads of my life for quite some time now, close to a year and I haven't felt settled, felt myself for a really long time. I'm thankful that through this trying period, I've been given an abundance of trust and being enabled to still continue leading a cell - my dear Sunnydale cell. But deep down I still long for the intimacy of engaging with God via prayer and word, something which I haven't experienced in too long a time. I've made some not-so-good decisions along the way, and God dealt with my thoughts during the camp. I have much to learn in the area of total obedience.

The day that P Bruce spoke about being a cross-over person, I was overwhelmed by my convictions that I became subdued - I think for two days actually, being reflective and perhaps sometimes, too critical of myself. I realised that for some time now I've been leading out of my own self-will and intellect. I'm so saddened by this, it was not my intention to do so, but just that when some things obstruct my hearing from God I just lack the courage to seek Him and confess my sins, but try to do them in a moralistic way which is not lacking in righteousness, but not really following His purposes either. My life, too, is wandering for some time now, and as I reflect on this I just wanted to withdraw from everyone and talk to God, and cry... ... Only God knows how lonely spiritually I was in the last months, despite constant attention from the rest, there is a gap that can only be filled by the supernatural. I do regret some of the things I've done, some of the steps I've taken; even though my life's ideal is to never regret, never live a life of regret. Yet some things once done or said, cannot be taken back and only time can heal, the selfish actions, the insincere words.

I've learned so much. Shared with Shiner and Debster earlier how my cell grew like 'people drop from the sky', and it never fails to amaze me, how I am so unspiritual yet God has blessed me with the numbers. I marvel at the blessings of God, how being a cell leader, I do not have to worry about finding a job, but it just comes, or worry about my family, health, bills... And everything runs smoothly so that I can just take care of the members. I'm glad for that, I recognize the blessing. And for how Sheepy always watches out for me, God has really placed him in my life to support me from a distance. I've learnt from Sheepy how to care for others that are not under my covering, those I'm not supposed to care about. I'd definitely reciprocate these kind actions that has really touched me when I felt alone.

I'm going to embark into another season of my life, a better one, one filled with promises, hope for a better future. New job, new anointing, the phase of life where I find time to spend doing something meaningful for the one I serve. I'm excited to look forward to the challenges ahead, yet I'm uncertain if I am responsible enough, godly enough, wise enough to make the right decisions. I think that I need people, a strong group of people around me who care enough to pray, and who dare to pray knowing that they are sowing seeds into my life, and by that, into my members' lives as well. It's time to start the prayer thingy again! I've asked for Shiner and Debster to cover me in intercession for at least these 6 months, would ask Sheepy and Mw too. I'm happy! Anticipating exciting things to come, the joy of salvation, nurturing people to rise up as leaders... Growing the cell into a district. God, you said, ask and You will give me the nations as my inheritance, the ends of the earth as my possession. I'm so amazed at your grace, that you have given me so many to take care of. Now I only ask, for strength, and wisdom, from above.

In Bangkok hotel, mirror photo

View of Bangkok city from Yong Heng's airplane window

On the street in Chinatown, Bangkok

Table photo at last meal...

My last meal in JomTien Palm beach

In the Adidas store fitting room - they bought 5 jerseys in total!

Same same songthraew

In the songthraew(van-taxi), Pattaya

In Thailand...

Gonna write really long, miss writing while I was away and there are so many experiences I couldn't even express in words alone...


Happy that I'm back - it seems like I've been away for so long although it's only been a week or so! The last day in Bangkok, bought so many things, mostly for my family, clothes and other stuff they wanted. It was a really nice time experiencing the city with the guys - jojo, frankie and matt. And later febs joined us - she's one of the girls with the shopping style similar to mine - see, like, buy and go. The guys too, it was so funny to see Matt's face light up when we mentioned shopping! Went to the stationery wholesale mart and the Suan Lum night market - one day there isn't enough to see and do all the stuff... no tidbit shopping, no massage. But we did a lot of other things, went to eat Tom Yum and after that sharks'fin soup and bird's nest... It's a wonder we didn't bomb after that. And Frankie discovered his thai 'roots', everyone there spoke thai to him... he should have faked it to get us discounts! Hehe. All in all it was slightly exhausting... one day rushing about the place...I'm really glad everything worked out fine and we got to extend our trip there! Been quietly observing my friends too, realised they have a lot of good points, and after these days of being so close, I'm really going to miss them badly!

On the night we went to HardRock Cafe, I was very introspective 'cuz God really really spoke to me on that night's message earlier... and I just wanted some time to myself so I became quite subdued and serious. Remembered I sat on these 'rocks' outside HardRock, away from the cluster of the people, looking sadly into the distance...then Matt just came and sat beside me, not saying anything for a while. Later on, I shared. (Yes, those girls noticed that too.) Since the beginnning of my cell-planting when there was only me and Frankie, I was so grateful for Matt looking out for me and inviting him to supp with him, always. It's kinda funny in the camp, 'cuz in the first few days he always forgot to ask us along, then had to quickly come and find me and tell me, then I tell Frankie... Later on the girls started to ask me along too, so it was okay.

Tried the foot reflexology in the Pattaya hotel, it was 300 baht for about an hour, quite a steal compared to Sg's, and the style was different - chinese master style was to squeeze the muscles around the acupuncture points but the thai style was just to gently press in the centre of the point. Certain points she pressed, I could really feel it shooting to my bladder, or my neck... or other parts...which really corresponded to the foot-chart. So it was good! I realised that Frankie and Matt are a lethal combination - put them together and it becomes a laugh-a-minute session with both poking fun at each other... me and June couldn't relax properly, we were laughing so hard! They were so scared at first - all the guys, especially Matt who seemed so reluctant to join us, but after much persuasion from Frankie came and sat down gingerly with a sceptical expression. They looked so fearful! It was so funny. The other guys were so so scared too... it was their first time. Hahaha...

There were bedbugs in Frankie's bed in Bangkok... But thankfully we discovered it as we were chatting in the night together... then they changed room. My room was slightly freaky and definitely occupied by... something else... When we reached, Matt was timed to reach an hour late - as his coach timing was later, so I took a bath while the guys were in the other room. The bathroom was so eerie, I bathed tensely and the hairs on my back were standing for no reason. Halfway though the shower suddenly stopped! Jojo said perhaps there was something wrong with the valve, and he had a problem in the shower as well. My second bath was bad too, the water kept getting hotter and hotter... the feeling in my room was just not good and it was a vey oppressing feeling that lay in the room, especially in the bathroom. Told them about it and the dear SL suggested we should pray for both our rooms. We started with theirs and then went to mine - while we were praying in the bathroom the sense of heaviness was so strong, it was so scary but thankfully the dear SL initiated the prayer and started declaring bible verses loudly in the place. Whew.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Some sweet words and little notes

Had rather nice days going out with people - met PCL yesterday, she's 8 and a half month preggers... quite big for her small frame... she seems glowing and in the pink of health. I wonder what it's like to be preggers, or even married. A part of me can't settle down, perhaps I've not found my peace yet. Then again, I think I'd secretly love to be pregnant... can bully my husband.. make him drive me around, can pig out all I want. Heh. Well that would be years down the road. My classmate's planning to get married in 2 years' time and we talked about finances, buying a flat, etc. It seems like we have suddenly grown up too fast - in school, and now to the working life, and starting a family - it's all awfully fast! I guess I fear growing old... not the looks part, but I cherish my naivete and old things that disappear all too soon. Perhaps I fear not having enough for the things I cherish - I cannot envision that once I'm married my husband would be pleased that I constantly hang with Giffy, Shiner, etc. Well it's still not yet time for me, whew...

Been thinking a lot as I always do, it's hard to keep a perspective in check when I'm still rather down and trying to recover from the horrid experiences lately.

Also, I'm counting down to the end of June...

I just need someone to be there for me, spend a little bit of time together with me, doing simple things - maybe a meal nearby, just some sweet words and little notes to show he cares for me, and some prayers would be nice as well. Is that too difficult?

Well, I'm not really really perturbed by anything as I know these feelings will pass and it will actually last for only a short short while and then a new season will beckon. My main aim in life is to be happy. Not at others' expense, of course...although it doesn't hurt to be courted by someone who's really interested in keeping you.

Relieved!

Dad and Mum asked me how I was feeling after I quit and I could only say that I felt relieved. I'm glad that I Its strange that they seem more concerned about me now, about my work, than previously about my studies. Perhaps they are more experienced in this area. I'm really looking forward to the new job and I just hope that everything turns out well. I have some plans as to what to do, being relatively free now! In fact the next few days are chock-ful with appointments I previously did not have time for.

I still need some time to myself, and to rest well.... to seek God. My body needs to regain its optimum health which has not been maintained since the dengue illness. Hair loss is minimal now, almost unnoticeable. Prepping myself up for the camp, going for a 1 meal fast for 3 days starting yesterday... it was good to take some time off to pray yesterday, although I do drift...

I feel that me and Hedge are drifting apart. Perhaps it's natural. All along, I've never really been reassured that it's going to work out, that both will be happy. He's always busy. Maybe I can't accept that or I'm afraid that I will be closer to other people and develop feelings for them because of that. I'm afraid to look deep into my heart and disturb the things that have been lying at the bottom of the surface. Cuz when I do that, I'll be indecisive, and then withdraw from the people I love. Sometimes all I need is time and a listening ear, but the people who provide it, unfortunately, are the ones I have no likings for. It's 3 more short weeks to the end of June. In the meantime, I must get things settled!

Make your life a happy one

Well, yesterday wasn't too bad. Although the morning was utterly unbearable, got some peace later on in the day. Dad says that it's a true fact HongKonger employers will always scold you lazy, stupid and/or incompetent, even though you are fast and efficient. I don't see the point in staying on or gritting my teeth. Went down to see the school's director - he offered me an attractive pay package plus healthy lifestyle, how could I refuse that? Anyways that was the job I had so so wanted, previously. A life of academia suits me fine and I could always use the spare time to engage myself in some useful activities, perhaps attending TCA classes or maintaining a tan, etc. Got the forms to apply to MOE and the school, so now all I have to do is to find my certs and get them done. Waiting today for the opportunity to give my termination letter to Manager, haha. She still scold and scold me today even when I ask her minor details which was necessary. I'm not going to stay and be a punching bag. Felt so much like just haughthily throwing the letter onto her desk but it would be so unlike me. I guess she knows too well the reason that I'm leaving. Put the low pay and long hours aside, it's because of her unreasonable and unfair treatment. I'm glad I no longer have to put up with it and I hope that time with dissolve all the unhappiness I've carried these days. It just makes me so tired that I want to isolate myself.

Thank God really for making a way out for me, it's not a choice for me really, more of like a 'no-choice' scenario. I think my advice for those who are gritting and bearing with things should be - that they should get out of it asap. No point in suffering for so long, to let things drag on... Just leave and find a better place, after all there are many better places around. Don't care what people think or say because in the end, it's your life, and make it a happy one.

Miserable days

The last two weeks, work-wise, have been hell. I'm not talking about those minor office politics that seem to herd people into different factors, that would be much better than the ultra toxic environment I'm in now. I never like to talk or think or do work after work hours, so I usually keep my unhappy feelings to myself. But the last straw came last week when Manager blew up at me for really unfair and nonsensical reasons that I found myself crying because of the abuse. Today, again. In fact every day last week it's been like this. The moment I step into the office I am bombarded by the shitload of verbal abuse plus stress on the work itself. I couldn't help but cry helplessly. It's enough to drive one into depression, but I recognize the signs and I'm not going to let myself fall into that state while I can help it.

The silver lining on the cloud is that I received a job offer that I had really really wanted - the scope and the place, and the environment I felt was beneficial. I had forgotten about it as initially I was really happy here. They called last week and I am hopeful that when I meet the Director today he can work something out for me. It's less work and more pay there, but the stability of the position remains questionable.

At least, I know that I can walk away when I feel like it, rather than being stuck in a rut for many years. It's hell being unhappy everyday, that sometimes it's just no point trying to cheer up once you know you are facing unreasonable people and shitty work. I'm just trying to bear through the week. Next week I'll be in Pattaya and I really hope this week passes fast.

To tell me what matters

Have I said that I've been too much in a daze lately that I actually speak into my life and reality becomes blurry... Just using my brain to calculate some measurements and expenses...journeying from one place to another without taking note of the environment...etc...

There's always the need for improvement, especially in my life.
I could use more cash.
I could have more integrity.
I could be a better person. Laugh more. Spend time more wisely. Eat more healthily. Aim for better skin, better hair, better vigor.

But... I like the way I am right now. And I hope people do, too.

I was just thinking/daydreaming during work that it's so difficult to find someone you like. Love. Able to live with, for a long time; ie marriage. There are so many idiosyncrasies in all of us. And there are so many things I can't tolerate. Like bad breath. Poor hygiene. Sarcastic, berating behavior. Not only in my better half but even in- say, acquaintances, these are definitely no-nos.

And is he able to live with my carefree attitude? My need for space, to hang with male species, my habit of throwing everything onto the floor and leaving it till it grows to cover the entire floor space of my room? My appearance, some of my act cute clothes, my bad attitudes...

It's just so difficult for me, mentally, to adjust to life with someone else in the picture that sometimes I just want to give up. No, I don't WANT to give up - it's not an active thing, but a passive one. Like, LOVE is an active emotion. You can love a person with a lot of intensity. But you can't hate someone (not for me, at least) with the same intensity - think about the person with hate everyday, every sentence you speak is about hating that person... no, this isn't possible. But sometimes I'm tired to love passionately. To want something so much till it hurts. And it's not because I'm not deeply in love - perhaps I'm still very guarded in certain aspects of myself even though I know on my part, I am being as sincere as I possibly can.

I'm glad when I know I'm not strong enough, Izac's there to tell me what matters.
And sometimes, that's all it takes to make things better.

I shouldn't let my negative self eat me up.

The Zoo was nice

The Zoo was nice- it's fun to revisit places that I've not been to in a while. Always never did manage to finish seeing all the animals in a single trip though. It was so funny, the animals were really 'over' friendly... we were walking down the pavement and then suddenly a big bird, crane-like creature, decided to walk out and on the road, much to the amusement of the small children who followed it. Then there was the golden tamarind waiting for us to look at it... the mouse deer that crossed our paths; and the pretending-to-be-a statue loris who cocked its head, closed one eye and stuck out its tongue. Hilarious. Can't say I have any favorite animals, though I like looking at the primates - the hamadryas baboons were cute, and I like wild cats too, especially the leopard and tigers. There were new enclosures since I last visited some 3 years ago...And the Ben and Jerry's made a sweet end to the trip.

Seem to be in a wandering daze these days... not really thinking about much stuff, just floating aruond and doing things but not actively having any passion for it. Perhaps I'm too afraid that my feelings are volatile that I instinctively clamp down on them and pretend they do not exist. I need to talk to someone, more than ever. But maybe when the time comes I have nothing to say. After all, words do not matter, or do they? I'm an extreme case - either I feel loads , or feel nothing at all. I prefer the latter, but it's disgusting, almost like a robot, artifically engineered, is that what we're making ourselves out to be...?

Pieces of Me

He slammed the door. It was the first time he had done that.

He stared at the ground. The people below seemed so small, so insignificant. Tears blurred his vision but he wiped them off with the corner of his sleeve. He didn’t know why he felt sad all of a sudden.

Julia’s last words to him were – he couldn’t remember exactly. He was angry at her before she left. Angry at himself for not coming to terms with his own feelings, how loved her and hope there was a place for him in her heart, too. But he knew it would scare her away – perhaps even further from him. She was always in his thoughts and for a while he waited for her to come back. But now he knew she never would. And maybe it was best that he couldn’t remember their parting words. So that he wouldn’t have anything to hold on to. No memories, just fragments of her scent, her touch that lay on his soul, piercing him gently.

He once awoke to the sound of quiet sobbing, and then realised it was a dream. Only that it was not really a dream. The next day, his eyes were both red and puffy, like he had cried the whole night.

He remembered that it was a May wedding. May was a good time to have a wedding. After the examination period, just before the holidays so people were still in town. He was invited. He did not have to turn up, but he did. He sat at the middle row, making himself inconspicuous amongst the sea of well-wishers. Julia was always popular. No one knew her radiance was helped by a bit of botox and plastic surgery. No one did have to know. But he knew. He remembered every curve of her face, every contour. In his mind he could run his fingers over them and just feel comforted.

He saw an accident Friday night. Two cars, hit by a construction truck. For one dreadful moment he thought it was Julia’s car. And that she was gone. But it was not, and he heaved a sigh of relief. Then he thought to himself. It’s still the same, whether she is dead or not. He realized that he had already mourned her demise for years.

He went on to university and graduated top of the class. Not because he was natuarally intelligent, but he knew she would be proud. One day as a teacher’s assistant in the university, he saw her. He thought he saw her. Julia. But it was only someone that looked like her. Curious, he started a conversation shyly and realized they had much in common. His past hurt was replaced by a new love that was blossoming inside.

Before long, they were sleeping with each other almost every other night. He wished he did not have to wake up, fearful that one day she would be gone, just like Julia. But she was always there for him, and he loved to rock her in his arms to sleep, just as he would a little kitten.

He never told him about his broken family, and she never mentioned hers either. Somehow it was just something that they never talked about. He thought that perhaps she also had a difficult childhood. She was alone, like him. He felt no need to tell her about Julia. After all, she wanted out of his life. Leaving him for a guy he had trusted and then making sure he was well-provided for. He never touched the money. He saw no need to – he wanted to live independently.

He knew he had to make a decision. It was not a mistake. It was love- born out of hurt and betrayal and pain, a love so pure that only they both knew was true. Yet, both held eyes of sorrow as they looked at each other for perhaps the last time.

He wanted to tell her that life was unfair, that it wasn’t anyone’s fault, just a sickening coincidence that they both happened to have the same mother. He knew now why Julia had left- she was with child and she had to marry the father of her baby. He was only 5 then. She was 5 years younger than him, but seemed mature beyond her years. She loved her, as well. Julia was kind to her. A mistake made by Mama, and now I am bearing the consequences. He was bitter at the fact that he never knew, never was told of her existence. If only he knew her name.

They decided that to live with the guilt of loving each other would haunt them for the rest of their lives. He still remembered the days he spent in a daze when he saw an old photo of Annelise’s parents who had died years ago. He instantly remembered the face of his mother. Her mother. Their mother. He recoiled at the thought that Annelise was his sister. And for days, he could not bring himself to tell her, but eventually, she found out.

He must die. He knew it in his heart. A part of him had died when Julia left. Now, in the footsteps of Julia’s legacy, he must leave Annelise, too. Only the happy memories will remain, and nothing else, he told himself.

He slammed the door. Everything went black.

My hair is falling out in clumps

Played tennis in the morning - if you could call my swings and hitting balls 'playing' - hee. It was good, I think more of the bonding of my members and other friends through this kind of informal settings. I hope that there will be a day where all of us can just go out together, as friends, without any qualms. Hedge brought the two Ms to let me take a look at them... they seem to be enjoying themselves without me, sob sob. I do miss them although it's only been a day. It's just so enjoyable to put them in my hands and touch their furry little selves. Mum and lil bro's down at the petshop places today, I wonder if they will come home with a furry friend or two; or just a cage. We used to have those safari habitrails, but it's either thrown away or relegated to the dark recesses of my storeroom.

Been having excessive hairloss for the last week or so. At first I told myself I was being paranoid, that the hair would drop more because of a changed diet, or whatever. Or perhaps it was the shampoo - although that might be a far stretch of imagination. So well I didn't really bother about it until I realise that when I brush my hair gently, the hairbrush would be full of hair. And my room's floor seems to be having hundreds and hundreds of hairs! The thing that really freaked me out was when I shampooed my hair yesterday and literally clumps fell out into my fingers. Strands that were all bundled together. I thought I was going bald or having 'alopecia'... It was an underlying worry this week, and it sounds so stupid if you tell anyone, 'cuz my head still looks fine - I have a really full head of hair; but now, actually if you look closely you can see the hairline is more 'sparse'. Told my mum and she was quite secptical until I ran my fingers through my hair and a clump came out and I stuck it under her nose.

However, I think there's nothing to worry about, at least until it gets more serious. Read on a webbie that due to the stress of an illness or surgery, 3 -4 months later there will be significant hairloss. I guess that explains it then. Of course, it might be due to a more serious illness but I shan't scare myself. It's already quite worrying whether the rest of your hair will stay firmly planted on my head, or not.

Tomorrow,
I am going to the zoo zoo zoo
How about you you you
You can come too too too
I am going to the zoo zoo zoo

Aye!

Misty's looking/ sniffing at you!

Mitten peeping out

Mitten in its Mummy's hand

Yum! Carrot for brunch!

Sibling in running wheel

Busy Busy Busy but

Kermit's been settled this morning. The auctions seller contacted me, it would be picked up on Monday. =) I'm glad that I can make Pastor C happy, it's so much more fulfilling than just working. Speaking of which, I have to rush things done tonight and perhaps tomorrow and even on Monday! The workflow problem is not caused by me, of course, some frustrations here, but I'd just be a good employee and get it done asap. But I really hope that I can spend some quality time with Hedge - don't want it to become something like we only see each other once a week and that's during church...so really not counted... He's been soppily nice to me lately, I'm wondering whether he did something wrong or because of our rendevous on friday night that we've become more bonded. He's been giving me short and sweet phone calls on and off, the last few days... hehe. It's good, then I can just talk nonsense and relieve stress. Really hope that I can finish my werk soon so I'd have time on Saturday to play with him and the babies.

The werk schedule for me seems busy busy busy...besides opening the new shop, controlling the stock is already one big hassle... plus we have new garments coming in, plus my designs for the storefront, cards, sale posters, etc. I guess I'd badly need a break then by the beginning of june!
Do hope that everything goes on smoothly.

Realised I've been eating chinese food for ... days and days and it really isn't good for my system. Today is detox day. Well I did eat breakfast but lunchie I'm having hamster food... muesli and nuts and grapes. I forgot about tea time snacks and dinner though, and I don't think I will remain full on this diet... Well... there's plenty of food in Chinatown. But not much healthy alternatives though.

Went to 'Viettai', bistro of Viet and Thai food at MS. They have interesting looking stuff! Tried the tomyum soup, it's a healthier and hotter version of the ones I'm used to. Must go and visit the Japanese dessert place, with 'modern' food... I think they should be open next month. It's really interesting 'cuz so many new exciting food places are open at MS. Plus new, exciting shops. Think I will say farewell to my hard earned money, once again. Well I can always sponge off someone who's more than willing; but I am still quite sceptical of his taste in...clothes and accessories, and ladeis' stuff in general. Let's say his taste is...slighly too practical and plain. It's good for maybe purchasing general toiletries or ...produce, but definitely not for fashion. After all, I am only young once, and I do want to dress my age, if not younger. I do have 'old' taste though, I fancy retro and 2nd hand stuff. I'm so glad crochet is in this season. Besides being white, I just love the texture of it. Already have one crochet white tank... hehe!

Where are you, kermit?

I've never been gladder that mine is a mobile job - I'm empowered to go 'downstairs' for a waffle or a hashbrown or some pappa roti, whatever takes my fancy, except that I'm usually not that hungry. Hehe. Shopping on the job(also known as 'market research') has the bad side effects of emptying my purse as well - I've seen so many nice clothes and lifestyle products in the last month that I've always wanted but never knew where to get. Well, now I know. Friends benefit too- will get little trinkets or clothes for them as well 'cuz I feel so guilty buying them for myself, especially when I don't really treasure them...Have this rule that I shan't buy any new clothes unless I've 'finished' wearing the ones I bought earlier. So far, two more tops to go - one from Debbie's wardrobe, and one from Manager, it doesn't fit her. And one skirt that's too sexy to be worn to church, and too flimsy to be worn in cold office... So I'm waiting for a wedding tea reception to show off my thighs. And some tops I've only worn once or twice. So no buying tops till maybe two months later. Hehe. This rule doesn't apply when I'm overseas though!! Thailand, here I come, 2 more weeks to go...Found Thomas' shop yesterday... He was in a bad mood so didn't really talk to me. His partner is really nice though. I bought a pewter keyring with 2 bling-blings from them...unfortunately at retail price... which to me is still quite a steal. Like it a lot... they have other nice items too, but they bring in such varied stuff ranging from teenage barang to more upmarket stuff... If I open a shop one day it will retail apparel and lifestyle products, I think that would be a really good combi and I give myself 2-3 years for this job. Who knows, I might leave even sooner!

And then call myself 'Director'.

And then lots of credit card companies will somehow manage to get access to my hotline. Always wondered how they headhunt potential clients.

So.

I was there helping Pastor C. to look for kermit. The frog. From the muppets. She can't look for it herself, she's having a bun in the oven and it will pop out next month. Preggers. Whoo! I never realised looking for kermit was so... tedious. But to a professional shopper like me, it's a piece of cake. (But next time I will place a 20% service charge...nahhhh.) Firstly, combing through the toyshops - Taka. Metro. OG... all sell boring toys. She already told me Toys R'Us do not have kermit. Who has kermit? Kermit was discontinued for a long time...since 1975 I'm told... Almost wanted to give up! Where are you, kermit? And I'm surely not going to the FarEast toyshops, definitely they'll jack up the price and I don't think she will pay that high for a plushie.

Well... found those retro toyshops(woah has ET, Ultraman, DonkeyKong, CareBears...) and demanded kermit. Uncle Joe's the owner. Said he has, in warehouse. Would look for it for me. Ta-dah! Plus I can 'byo' Thomas, everytime I hit that place. That kermit is really cute. Looks exactly like the TV version of him, with the long green spindly legs. That Thomas... I think he's shy and boyish looking although should be 10years (or more?) older than me...but really looks young leh...His skin is squeaky clean and glowing. Next time must ask him what brand of skincare he uses...Don't like his voice though, it's low and uncle-like...Lasttime he was so popular...wonder which of my friends still idolize him, I go and make them jealous, hahaha. It's good to have other agendas while on 'market research', I'm getting bored of the upmarket fashions in Singapore. More interesting, less gu niang clothes would be appreciated by me! What's the point for branded stuff if it's not unique... Plus the fact that I know they earn up to 10times!!! the price... Like a sheer cotton top. Cost $10 to make(Of course in huge quantities). The paperbag. Cost$1 at most. You pay: $129.90. For the aircon. Smarmy retail associates who think they are so high-class just 'cuz they work in a branded boutique. The A&P. The models' fees also come from you. Frankly, if my income bracket is higher I'd still buy cheap clothes and mix and match. Don't see any sense in paying hundreds for a top. Maybe jeans that last for years, or leather bag... but not a normal cotton sleeveless top. Even if I have the money, I'd still spend wisely. (After all I can carry cheap cheap tops and still look passably nice!) It's just not worth it.

So after 2 days... I've found Kermit. My company's shop is still renovating. Hope I'd still have time for myself and my two dearies after its' done.

Hamsterical

Had a little scare in the morning when I realised the whole drinking water bottle was emptied into the babies' mobile home. Took a ride on the steed and it must have been the speed and jerking movements that made it spill into the sawdust. The whole hamster house was wet, even all areas of the sawdust. Manager suggested that I mircowave the sawdust(and the babies' too!) ...Which I did... only the sawdust... scooping it all out and putting it on defrost. We never used the microwave anyways. Felt quite upset so I went for a walk(yes during office hours) and bought them some cotton balls at CK for $1.50, and some assorted nuts. Apparently they are happy with the cotton balls, and burrow into it... sleeping in the soft cotton now.

I think I shall stop buying hamster stuff or I will go broke soon. Bought 3 carrots and tomatoes yesterday. Shall let the Daddy do the maintainence. But like neopets, I want to provide them with interesting and healthy food, nice furniture, high-class bedding... chanced upon this webbie, http://hamsterical.darn-tootin.com/ it's really interesting...facts about hamsters, and updated photos...its funny too.

Passed Debbie hers yesterday, it's Misty and Mittens' sibling... apparently male so far. She was so excited... named it Yogurt after some name-pondering. The pet supply shop would have some syrian breeds in a weeks' time, maybe I shall get one for my brother to rough-handle, so that he won't disturb my two babies. They're supposed to be a pearl white breed, which doesn't explain why Mitten is black. Perhaps it's a 'recessive' gene... wonder if it will produce white or black litters then.

Misty and Mitten - the newborns

Not yet married.
Never pregnant.
Yet already a mother of two.
Me.
Yes.

Two hamsters that is. Both one week old, one white with a streak of gray running down its back. The other, black. Hedgehog and me had a surprise delivery yesterday and found ourselves proud parents of the week-old babies. Does that confirm our status? Well, not quite. Hehe. We've named them Misty and Mitten, apt generic names for our babies that have yet-to-confirm- their gender. Misty is white, hence the name. Mitten... bites. They're currently residing in Rachel's residences, a chrome yellow-and-white mobile home with shutters, drinking facilities and supply of vegetables from Mum's kitchen. No urinary system installed yet. They will be shuttling weekly between Hedge's place and mine... For now, in the mobile home for both of us have no inclination yet to settle on a bigger pad. Cute as they are, they already attract lots of attention, mostly from young children and aunties whenever they travel with style. =)

Initially was not very keen on bringing up hamsters; when Hedge suggested it to me, months ago. Always had hamsters in the house but it was never mine per se... usually Mum had to do the dirty work, haha. Well now apart from the 4 fighting fish, dozen/s of crickets, one cat and an occassional mynah who visits the bowl of cat food in the morning, we have 2 hamsters. My house is turning into a pet safari. Had fun yesterday going down to ChompChomp... chomping down the food was fun, too... I always did prefer hawker food to foodcourt or others, the taste is unbeatable. I think the hokkien mee, carrot cake and taiwan icee is still in my system. Tummy's getting bigger, argh! Gym, anyone?

Meanwhile, the cute babies will keep me busy this week. I prayed for a long life (lifespan about 2 years yea) and a happy healthy one. Almost like having kides of my own.

Need a hug...

In blissfulness (if there is such a word) knowing moments are short, time is precious, and lingering imaginations of what things can be at another time, or another place; I am finding more and more of myself. Being detached from it all these years, find slowly back to the way I was. To find fulfilment without the background feelings of anxiety. To be content. Like the way the wind lulls waves to the shore and then back again in the balmy summers, I too long for a place where only I know. With someone so familiar that I do not hesitate to say anything or do anything.

For real, my multifaceted identity shall be uncovered.

I need a hug. It's been too long.

Only God can intervene

Even when there's nothing to do, there's something to do.

At least for me, I'm not the type that can just sit down, comfy in the nice red office chair with super arched back support and do nothing. When my manager's real busy, I really wish that I can help her. Show my investment value. At least soothe the workload. I realise how 'inadept' I am in the corporate environment despite collecting experiences that fills up my CV to an entire page. Since I was 14, I've been a telemarketeer, a financial consultant, admin. executive twice, dresser - many times, visual merchandiser, sales person for charity goods, freelance designer, writer... yea and now I'm a Fashion Co-ordinator. I co-ordinate the hangers, the garment bags, the mannequins, and most importantly, the clothes themselves, ensuring each are properly behaved and they do their job well, presenting the best image of our label to the customer.

The work never ends but then again it's not that taxing on my lazy brain... and I get loads of free time to observe shoppers, window-shop, and basically do my own designing and surfing.

Really looking forward to the church camp, in less than a month's time I'd be in Thailand. I was happy that I got my leave, in actuality, contract-wise, I'm not entitled to leave, not at least in the first 6 months. But I have a really wise and nice manager - been learning stuff from her daily. How to be a good manager too, if one day I should have subordinates. Amazingly, she shared that one day, she knows, in her heart, that she would 'convert' - to a religion, either the Western one or the Eastern one. Sensed she was really open so I encouraged her and shared a little bit why I'm still in church. She's so much wiser than the people I know still struggling to come to terms with what they feel inside about God, or those who try to escape from Him. Been thinking about those who have 'gone'... the strange thing is that once the person backslides, the friendship goes down the drain as well. Or leaves the church for another one, for that matter. In a sense, I'm glad I'm still in contact with Mr BestFriend, he is my window to those I once were close with. Remembering the many happy times together in those growing up years are the memories that I've cherished up to today. And Mr BestFriend has an 'elephant' memory - he remembers everything, even the little little things. He teased me about once having a crush on Gerro, and saying some little mushy thing that sounded so stupid now, and I was so embarassed that I ran around chasing him - and he didn't stop saying it, he's neurotic in this way. Too bad I can't remember all the disgusting things he said about his crushes too, I'd would have dragged it out and embarrass him back. It's good he is around for me, I always look forward to his updates on those I once was close with. Maybe if things have not changed we'd still be the same, but perhaps, I would have changed. Perhaps, this is the way it was meant to be.

Maybe I'm strange this way but I have flashbacks, especially in this period, about friends who have 'gone'. I wonder about them, what happened to them in the past few years or so; are they still leading a 'clean' life with moral principles somehow found in the Bible, or do they totally turn their back on what is good, and become a totally changed person? What do I think? Frankly, I would like to envisage them as good, moral individuals with nice attitudes, still being the same nice people they are, and knowing that they will come back to God one day. The church is always open, and there isn't anyone except themselves that will condemn them for coming back. I miss the happy times we used to share, praying and learning together. If by any chance there is the conviction in their hearts, I sincerely hope that they do not go for what is temporal, but use their time, and thoughts wisely. Miss Keny, Vic, Giffy, Ailin... Miss the part where we're supposed to grow up together and spend happy times without the prospect of leading a purposeless life coming to the picture. If only people remained convicted. But oftentimes thay fail us, themselves, and God. No amount of nagging, berating, or pleading will convince them once they have chosen the darker side. I guess only God can intervene.

My Dearest Friends...

I thought about the things I think about, and I realised that these were not 'important' things like 'career', 'money', 'politics', etc... but rather, stuff that matters to my heart - people, places, music... Remembering with fondness how I miss certain places or certain people though I am sure that they no longer hold a place in my heart, but just the memory of them brings nolstagic nuances that reminds you of perhaps a place in time where, feeling low, you turned to that person for encouragement; or perhaps the place is where you longed for , a place of respite, or one where you can just be yourself, by yourself. I haven't wrote in my journal for 3 weeks or longer now, it's just a space in time where the empty pages speak louder than the scribbled words. Am I always faithful to my memory and thoughts, writing down everything as I comprehended it to be? Not quite. Not even on blogging, although I blog mainly for myself, I cannot blatantly put down others' misdeeds or my opinions' of them, lest it may influence others to think likewise. And perhaps, once these thoughts became reality in words, I, too, may influence myself to have this perspective of the person and this perspective alone.

It's wonderful to be in love. It's wonderful to have feelings for people, even feelings or loneliness or missing someone just because they are on another continent and not coming back anytime soon. Perhaps my feelings for these can be 'grouped' together into an overarching sentiment of all the people that I've missed, who are overseas, or just in Singapore but no longer 'around' - separated for reasons unknown. Flashbacks of the time, love, and effort I spent last year over new friendships, that now, barely a year later, are almost forgotten or relegated to the empty box in the furtherest corridor of the brain's memory. Perhaps a part of my heart breaks each time I see how these could-be meaningful friendships collapse within such a short span of time. Or I'm tired - I just give up at investing my life in other people, but just 'wait and see' , hoping something good will happen. Or rather, I already have best friends and some people I'm sure I can garner support from any time, and it's just not worth the effort to go and look for someone new. Sometimes I lack the initiative to ask people out or return phone calls just because I think I'm too tired or they are not worth my effort.

I'm wary now of those that hanker after my time, knowing that they are unreliable and may hypersensitively turn on me, or only use me for my abilities and don't have a positive contribution to my life. People, who are ungenerous of their own resources, yet at the slightest thing ask for help from others. They smile so sweetly all the time that I'm tempted to do the favor, but after, a tad drained, I have to replenish my energy from other sources, and tell myself, 'never again'. Then one day, they will just disappear from your life, stop contacting you or perhaps they have found another, more willing, to be unwittingly made use of. Pity those who are like this. Pity more, those who fall in love with people like this.

I'm glad that through my tarried life I've found gems that I can keep always. Like Mr BestFriend, Anel, Izac, ChowChow, Ches... They might never know how much I love them, even willing to contribute all my resources to them in any difficulty. I remember how I confided to Anel after a bad relationship and a misguided one. She just said that I could count on her for support... ... And sometimes, that's enough. I remember how every weekend Mr BestFriend and I would take long Sunday afternoon walks through our estate, even though it would take him about an hour from my place to his, he never complained. I loved those times when we would just talk, both in slacker mode after a long week's study. ChowChow was always encouraging through the crushes we shared and our ruminations about expectations and what God held in store for us.

It's only in introspection that we begin to remember, and relearn certain principles that we were taught since young - the beauty and importance of friendships.

Sadly in fast-paced Singapore, we no longer have the chance to spend days, not even hours, with the ones we cherish. The usual 'date' for couples would be to catch a movie - those funny romance light hearted types; and then after, hang out at some park or a coffee place, or window shopping around town, then head home. Everybody's schedules be it work or school, clash, and group outings of favored friends, become few - class reunions, once a year, and even so, many absent faces. Work is my priority, as I have to earn an income, but people are also my priority too. They are the ones to cheer you up, they are the ones who know you, really know you, and the ones I turn to for relationship advice, or planning my finances.

I hope that my regret would not be that 'I wished I had spent more time with XXx'...

But really to savor, and treasure every moment spent.

Yes, by now I'm sure it is evident that I'm a quality time person.

But I was not, and for the last 3 years my friendships were in neglect and I'm tremendously grateful though, that they can be restored. Renewed. Rejuvenated. Thanks for waiting, for me to be mature, to know things as they are now.

I promised myself that I would not neglect them again, even being attached again, they are also a priority.

And so it won't, I hope. Here goes!

The body in the well

After church on saturday went for icecream at this place called ICE3, interesting concept with nice sofas. Had a peanut butter and apple cinnnamon one, thought it was superb. Before that went to my favorite beanbag enclave, they had a new menu and me and Hedgehog just slacked there... he likes lasagna too. Gave me an allium, and the guys were fascinated by it afterwards - I'm still traumatised at the sight of Frankie fingering it and swinging it around.

I'm really impacted and moved by the sharing of life experiences... somehow. Ganesh really opened up to us in the few precious months we have left together before he leaves for 5 years... He's so much like Ches in the way he thinks and speaks, in a way I'm doubly sad for it seems that these kind of people that I need in my life seems to always leave. Known Ganesh for only 3 months, before he goes, sort of the same scenario with Ches, Markos, ... but at least I know he's coming back. Well, 5 years later. So we were talking about new movies and strange occurrences and Ganesh told us about how God protected him and his family, in a sharing that could be scripted straight into a movie of the spooktacular genre, just that it was true. He lived in India with his family and more then 10 years ago they still used deep wells, every family had one. Their house was quite big and they had tenants, too. To their horror, once they discovered that someone had died- drowned in their well; and they had drank the water for about a week without realising it. He said he was really scared as one of their puppies that was really healthy suddenly died a painful and horrible death (due to the water-poisoning), but his family was not unwell at all. The person who died was a tenant, a drunk who was always loitering around, smoking... And when he went missing for a week, people thought he had gone off gallivanting again. It was only when Ganesh's bro went to collect water, he realised he hit something and it was the body. Ganesh said that when they pulled it out, even 10 feet away the stench hits you, right to your stomach and immediately you want to purge. This gruesome tale is one of the ways how he is thankful to God that God has protected them... I think we were listening in real interest and slightly amazed, how different cultures are and how much we share in this faith. He shared too that there were many demon manifestations due to the many gods in India, and the things he saw happening to people, which makes me grateful I'm here, now...

I guess some life experiences, I can never experience or fully understand what the other person has been through and felt. But for what it's worth, I would like to share them, to be encouraged, or to be the one to encourage. In life's difficult moments, people are strengthened through the mutual understanding and comfort of listening. So, don't keep things inside... talk to me?

In gleeful gratitude

Not the soppy type, now, but I've got so many things to be thankful for in my work... I shall try listing it down here, at least the ones that are most evident.

1. Only 15 mins on the NEL (The 15 mins costs me $1.30 though)
2. Great food at Hong Lim!
3. Great food at Smith St!
4. Cheap stuff at CK!
5. Interesting snacks and peanut candy at First Emporium!
6. Many moneychangers around(Eh... the convienience of it)
7. Many foot reflexologists! (I lyk!)
8. Actually a shop for everything in my building...
9. Pappa rotti in my building!
10. Chowchow werks 3 buildings away!
11. Buses to orchard, bugis, just outside the building
12. I can surf the net...
13...use msn...
14... use the phone...
15. I'm left alone, unsupervised
16. ...

Well... currently that's foremost to be thankful about. I'm still having sweet soppy feelings since yesterday - aye! Tad drained now, especially my eyes. Guess they lighted up too much yesterday... Plans to go home and sleep and do some serious shopping tomorrow.

Reverie

::poem::

The serenity in borderland sends Sara into reverie-
Of newfound love beyond the bend, the wondrous roaming upon faraway lands
Transfixed, both were, by the intensity of a glance:
For a moment then, and hence thereafter
Love struck them, both him, and her.
Fresh, rosy apples plucked in Summer's breeze
With grassy smells and bushy trees
In spirit lulled with invisible joy
They traipsed, they leapt
Thro' the blissful glen
Of woody green
Sara loved so deep, and so true-
But she loved another, too.
One not as fun, nor as fair:
This marked the beginning of her despair.
Her beauteous eyes spied in dismay
Dark clouds that marred her happy days
In merry vale her love held true,
In borderland- she wished she knew.
Despite her joy and smiles untold
She wished one moment just to behold
The other's arms woven beneath her thighs,
The warmth and sparkle in the other's eyes
Knew then, as now, she had to choose
Sara wished - And so the tale goes;
She found herself without him or the other
Just happy by herself, over the border
From the faraway vale to the borderland
Her story was told, to those in love
Choose wisely now, lest you regret
A life of love, it may be sad
Happy dreams lie in reverie
Perhaps for you, more so for me.

Almost Always

::Short story, copyright mine. Inspired by new buildings springing up and my penchant for old things. Also for an old friend who likes old things too, hope you find peace wherever you are now.::

Dear Johnny,


How are you? I know it’s been quite a while and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there the last time. Remember your favorite hangout, the one with the ginger flavored latte which I always found weird-tasting? Well it’s been demolished now. Even the ancient Presbyterian church beside it is gone. I heard that they are building a world-class spanking new university on the grounds now. I passed by the old place yesterday, and thought of you. I was so worried you would be affected by the earthquake that happened around your place, but I heard from your friends that Auntie said you were unhurt and happened to be away then. I’m so glad you are okay! You know, I still keep the small clay figurine that you made for me while we were studying together. It’s almost decomposed now, sitting on my desk. It’s not collecting dust yet, I managed to clean it gently. Mum always nags at me to throw that hideous thing away, but I had to remind her that it was from you. One of the few memories that I have of you that’s left, actually. You realize that we never took a photo together? That was because I didn’t like the way I looked back then. I felt that my face was so puffy, and my hair was always frizzy… It’s so strange I felt like that then, maybe I didn’t have confidence in myself. You know, you were the first person I called when I received my graduating results. Before I called Dad. I don’t know why I did that, but I just wanted you to stop worrying for me, about me. All you do is worry, you know? I think I didn’t want to see you off partly because I was afraid I would cry, and I would be so embarrassed because all your friends are there, and they would think that I was harboring a secret crush on you or something. I watched the TV yesterday and the Chinese drama show had a line that went something like: When there’s love, there’s feeling… But when there’s feeling, it’s not necessary to have love. And I guess that’s how I felt, right? I mean, I felt really strange as if there were butterflies in my stomach when I saw you again that time, after you came out of army… you looked so different, yet strangely familiar. Then you smiled at me, and everything went smoothly. Remember Alnrick? You used to tease him before, he never tied his shoelaces up properly. We were together for a while. I was quite hesitant about it initially. Really! I mean, I’ve always liked guys that were not like his type. But anyways shortly after you left, we dated each other for a while. Think it’s my parents, they are always worried that I would be a spinster! Funny right? Especially when I have so many male friends… Well, I guess just to shut them up or something, of course I felt a liking for him too, I mean, he is cute, and quite sweet to girls. But I knew we were unsuitable, I introduced him to Dawn, now they’re engaged. Of course that was some time ago, I think they would be getting married soon. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I thought you would be more concerned over my feelings about it. I’m okay, really, I’m so happy for them, you know? I’m happy for you too, although if you were around it would be much much better. Are you still eating instant noodles? You can’t find Pocky there right? Here it’s becoming rare also. After the free trade zone agreement between us and the United European states, imports from East Asia became so expensive that most of the local supermarts now only carry products from the top 3 zone countries, UK, China and, India. Bismati rice has become so cheap that we seldom find local rice anymore, it’s too expensive to grow it here also. But I can still find Pocky in places like Robertson Deli, although its always sold out - and the price has tripled. I’m sure food at your place is terribly expensive too. I just found out that fruits will have an import tax placed on it, I think I have to eat my favorite Granny Smiths and watermelons only on special occasions now. It’s no longer safe to stay in my old place because of the frequent gunfights, I’ve moved out about two years back when I saved enough. And Snowy died. But I’ve got myself Cherie now – She’s a Airedale with a chocolate coat. I love her! You know, if that time you had asked me to leave with you, I would. To go to a new place and leave behind all the things I ever loved and knew, of course that would be irrational. And at that time, I did not know what I know now, that now, if I was asked to leave this place, would I leave? I think not! At least, not without someone like you! I knew you loved me, I just thought that I was too young and I wanted a life of independence, to carve out a niche for myself! But now, even if it’s not too late, it is. I cannot be who I was, and neither can you. We cannot go back to the bamboo trees and sit on the stone benches behind the old place, because it is demolished now. And soon, no one will even remember what the place used to be. The dead makes way for the new. I know! You, too? I know that I have a short-term memory and perhaps when I meet my someone special I will forget all about the happy times we spent together flying kites and eating packet rice and slogging away through the night to finish up projects. It seems like I was another person then. But I knew then, that all the time you would be always there for me. You are always so caring, so sensitive. I failed to see that, or I knew, I think, but I liked to be mean and did not acknowledge that. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t around to see the ending – like I don’t want to see the new university built upon my old memories! Maybe I should up and leave, like you, forging new paths on roads yet untravelled. When will I ever see you again, Johnny? You mean so much to me… …

Love,
Shaz.

Munny's rolling in...

Yay yee. Got my crocs yesterday. A darker shade of baby blue than what I've imagined it to be. Still nice. Nice nice. I think I love it all the more 'cuz not many people are wearing it. Plus its also weird looking and super comfy for my sensitive-skin feet. Izac had better not laugh at it.

It's the end of the month! Yea... so fast, almost a month of working full-time. Shall plan what I want to buy. Of course clothes. Finally I can buy pants that fit my legs. Always wearing too loose ones... Makeup. More lingerie. change $300 into baht. Maybe a small luggage. And save up for my mini O2. Pay some people back what I owe. Give dinner treat. Birthday presents. Whoo hoo. I don't have to scrimp now! Poor Ange, always getting cheapo birthday pressies from me 'cuz her birthday is on the same month as Mr BestFriend, classmates', etc etc... I'm getting a transport allowance too, yay yay... hope its big bucks so that I can take cab more often, contribute to the poor cab drivers' fund... just a few days' wait for May... lalalalala...

You've got the tingly feeling

Maybe I'm a bit slow, but I realised sometime last week that the 'Mr Right' not only has to fulfil all the criterias and be the man of my dreams, but we also have to have the certain amount of chemistry between us. Not literally sparks, like what me n Hedge keep giving each other in cold places, but ... some sort of emotion which has to have certain elements in it. I would define it as a mixture of feeling at ease with each other, yet maintaining the 'tingly' feeling. It's strange, with the guys I've dated, really there wasn't both - Dirrk fitted my criteria well, was delectably handsome and intelligent to boot, unfortunately I never had any 'tingly' feelings for him, although I was comfortable. There was once I had a crush for a very long time on a friend who loved music, too... tingly feelings yes, but I never was at ease with that person. He's happily attached now, I'm happy for that.

It's rare to find that special someone even though you may not know it yet, but things will just fit into place no matter how much reservations you have initially. Someone you can eat with anyplace, from hawker centres to fine dining, laugh out loud at comedies with, doll up on a weekend night date with him, and feel so elated when he murmurs that you look great. Yet comfortable enough to let him see you in 'home clothes', slouching on the sofa, sharing little bits of what happened during the day and what you have hoped and dreamt of. Someone who is always on your mind despite the arguments that leave you disheartened, you know that in the long run they will mature the relationship. When you find yourself thinking of him unexpectedly, and each time you surf the net or shop or eat something, you will think of asking his opinion, or bringing him to eat at the nice food place, or always wanting to buy a small small something for him... when you care more for his well-being than you do for yours. It's a very lovely feeling aye?

::::::

Went City Plaza and Holiday Inn with sis, terribly tired due to all the walking done. A very fruitful trip though, so happy with all the worthwhile and unique and can't-find-in-sg purchases, I think after I collect my baby blue crocs shoes today, I will not be needing anything for a long time. Don't really like to shop here 'cuz everything is so common... the uncommon ones are so expensive... I don't mind paying more for good quality stuff but then I don't really treasure my things that much... like clothes, previously I'd buy the cheaper quality ones and then wear a few times and throw away, 'cuz I like variety... but I found that some of the well-loved items I couldn't bear to throw and hung on to them till they looked quite worn and unusable. Cleared out my small small lingerie cupboard and found there were few that I could keep. So I went on a lingerie-buying spree... hehe. I'm beginning to understand ladies' (and men) love affair with lingerie. Well, Tangs service, dressing rooms, and ranges are superb. I'd most definitely be a repeat customer. Skinny me can only fit into the Japanese labels though, think the European ones hang loose on me although I fancy the delicate trimmings. Realised its not good to be too adventourous with styles and colors in lingerie - especially nowadays my tops seem to be a tad transluscent... what happened to the decency of designers, hahaha... probably the cotton market isn't doing too well... So all the colorful ones are relegated to go under dull-colored clothes, of which I probably own a grand total of two. Don't think Society and Moms-city can accept comic-book print cups peeking out of a skinny off white sleeveless tank. I do need a bit of decorum to maintain my auntie-killer status. Yea, and I do fancy most of the bright colors this season - mint, watermelon pink, light aquamarine, browns and oranges, safari look... butterflies printed everywhere is too much for me though. Personally I can't wear black, I don't like it on me, (it's blah boring don't suit my personality) and also I will look shapeless, it's too much of a slimming color for me. I always think that people who (need to) wear black are either plump, insecure, into the goth look, or just that it's their favorite color. I would never buy a black suit, unless I'm offered with no choice. Who said black is the only formal color anyways. A deep interesting navy or chocolate would do just as well, and so much less harsh on Asian skins. So... I'm glad brights are in this season.

Two years ago criteria

Alritey, went to Tangs after werk to submit the contest ideas. Met Izac for a while, thought it sweet for him to want to come down to meet me inspite of his exams. I guess for me, time spent with close ones are really meaningful, even though most of the times I don't make the effort to.

Currently doing a small spring clean in my room, been neglecting it... The last time I sorted out one cupboard it filled up a big red plastic bag full, so this time I've prepared 3 just in case. Saw something I've kept - think its 2 years now- it was an activity done during cell, I still remember it was an outing at Ya Kun, Far East Plaza, and we were discussing about BGR, or rather now, MWR. We first wrote down all our 'criteria', and then separated them into 'must haves' and 'preferences'. I've kept the rest of the cell members' sheets, so many years from now perhaps when they're going to get attached, I'll hand them the paper and see how much their perspectives, or tastes have changed. I guess for me as I get older, certain 'criteria' do not bear such an important significance, I would like to think that I'm less superficial and discriminatory. Then again, agreeing with what I wrote in the past signifies a certain constancy in my life, doesn't it? It's amazing to just wait and see what God will lead, in love, and in living... ...

So my criteria for 'future husband' when I was about 20:(It's amazing, there are so many!)(Typed without any changes)
Appearance: Tall, handsome, Not fairer than me(Oh very few are), looks mature, not small eyes, nice teeth.
Character: Bible-centred man. F.a.s.t. steady, disciplined, a confidant, suitable in small groups
Preferences: Not too hairy (haha! Its subjective aye) Eyes that can 'jiang hua'(speak). Talent in music and/or arts. Specs are cute. Introverted. Listener. Can sing well. Wavy hair. Likes jazz music. Adventourous, straightforward, supportive, sensitive to my needs, like to sms, a christian from TCC.
Others: Aged 1 to 3 years older but minus 2 to plus 6 also acceptable. Must support me in my mission calling(Tough one, that) ,Chinese, Not compulsory to be Singaporean. Other countries welcome.

Two years later, not much has changed...

One Night with the President

Something I've learnt from my company - they (the higher management who are all from Hong Kong) don't worry about the things they cannot control. Such as, will the shop be renovated quickly enough in time to open, whether the factories can do our orders quickly enough, etc etc... It's a splendid system of working; I've realised - they never seem to be stressed and all of us do get our work done pretty efficiently. I guess this applies to real life too, felt that many singaporeans are worried over the CaSINo thingy, and most of us cannot do anything about it, cuz even if we voice our opinions, it's 'noted' by the government but yea... 'noted', how effective can the opinion be if it is 'heard' only, not 'activated' upon? Presume that many fear about the vices, illegal prostitution rings, big baddies, mafia, etc that might inhabit our city once the caSINo is up and running. For the moment, there's nothing we can do about it, except perhaps stop ourselves from going there, so I guess my advice to those fretters is to stop worrying; I do not condone gambling, but this is the society's fault, we cannot bear its burdens.

Watched SOM - the Sound of Music musical, Wednesday night with Matt and Shiner. It was worth every penny spent (a hundred whopping bucks to be exact~), I was happily reminded of my childhood favorite songs, 'do re mi', 'the raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens song', 'edelweiss' and so many others. It is a really inspiring true life tale... how much a part music plays, in my own life. How a simple rendition of a contemporary christian song can bring tears to one's eyes - it is unfathomable how much value there is to songs, yet I do forget sometimes how to sing, and I have to start to learn it all over again. When Captain Von Trapp sang 'Edelweiss', it was a really rousing piece that reminded me how much we have taken the peace we have for granted. And... the President, the venerable distinguished mister SR Nathan was there! Along with his wife, and kids, and bodyguards... the bodyguards also got to watch the show! We felt that it was really kind of kewl to watch SOM with him - Although I might say he was at least 7 metres away - I never saw the President 'real-live' before... But wow! He looks exactly like on TV! And there were fireworks, somewhere at the Esplanade, outside of course, just at our intermission time, we could peer out of the 'durian windows' and see them spiralling. So it was a very special day for me, even though I was slightly incapacitated with a cold. =)

Some ordinary ramblings

Had a lovely picnic with the cell on sunday. It's been a long time since I've been to Macritchie - I remember the last time was about two years ago, hiking to Beauty World area. Too urbanized that I seldom go visit parks and such. Shiner and Hedgehog came along too, Shiner brought a girl-friend, hahaha. Tried to tease him but he was unperturbable. Well I, for one can't wait to see him happily attached... imagine that. I guess I would be able to see his eyes lighting up and him dancing around the neighborhood, 'lalala...' But the downside is that I lose a bus buddy. Ah well.

Kinda under the weather these two days, I think I caught a cold from being out in the rain yesterday, during lunch, the raindrops were splashing slightly on me. Quite cross after that actually so I bought an umbrella. Costs 10 bucks and it's superly minute and light, I wonder how they make money, the production cost would have to be about 3 bucks and that doesn't even cover the material... no way. Well I've realised that things are getting cheaper nowadays, but the material and service, etc, is lousy too. Hope it doesn't spring a leak. And most expectedly, today was bright and shiny. I've already caught a cold... darn... watery eyes and runny nose whole day and night. It better cease by tonight... Really don't like being sick yet recently I think I am getting weaker... perhaps I miss the gymming. Had ominuous feelings and really disturbing dreams mid to end week last, I wonder whether it's because I'm unsupervised and lonely in the office that's why I start to think too much; or perhaps it's the time of the year that bad things always happen that's why I'm feeling like this. Was so afraid - ridiculously, of something bad happening to my family or loved ones... But nothing happened and I guess it's just a passing ominuous feeling yea.

Still really concerned about finances... I do hope that I won't splurge on stuff that I walk pass and take a fancy too... And I promised myself to eat nice cheap foods for lunch, which isn't much of a problem here at all. But I have so many wants..desires... stuff I've promised myself to get when I start earning cuz when I was studying I simply had to spend everything on printing and buying materials, that there was really nothing left. After this month hope there's something left !! Minus 2 insurance policies; handphone bill, give back tithe, pay CPF for diploma fees, give to parents, food, transport... yea... I'm beginning to understand how those kidney patients feel. Cuz besides worrying about the fees and work, they still have to be in pain. But as long as there's life there's hope! Yea, I should stop worrying, instead I should enjoy the simple pleasures and learn how to be financially independent... =)

Going to watch the SOM tomorrow! =)

The Midnight Adventures of Madame Crimson Butterfly

She flutters by, the desolate roads,
Her travels, afar, in twilight.
With faerie dust, and twinkled stars;
And magic purple midsummer night.

So, hidden by the cloak of dark sky;
Her bright colors, blended.
Madame Crimson Butterfly
takes off, in the secret.



Yea... today finally decided to take part in the Tangs/Martina Pink Accessory Design contest. Thought about it the entire day yesterday and came up with this quirky concept... I do lyk it very much myself. Hope I win the top prize! Yea... although there's no cash reward, just vouchers, but it will do for me. Gotta arrange time to go down to the printer's, spotlight and create my masterpiece. Alritey. Feeling rather pleased about it all... ...

My own makansutra

I dreamt of Shiner and Mr Foo yesterday, we were on the train...it's so strange, this is the 2nd night in a row. Perhaps I'm just subconsciously nervous that I'm going to watch a musical with them. Nothing much right... but I respect Mr Foo so much as a mentor, and also it's kinda weird going out with them although we are all in our 20s. But yea, I shall try my best to have fun, yet remaining poised, smiling, etc...I'll try not to laugh too loudly at the funny bits and thank them graciously for a wonderful time which I know we will have. Good company is important. At least to me.

Hit town yesterday and discovered oh yes, they were finally selling my 'coveted' bag which I've been hankering for since... mid last year when Ai told me they retail it locally. Wishing that my salary comes quick, yes, come come...before it becomes 'sold out' then I'd be quite sad. Used to write down every single thing I bought last year when I was working, because I'm so afraid I would overspend... but it actually takes the joy out of shopping for me. It's my hard earned money and I don't have to be so worried about how I actually spend it... but I tend to make some spur of the moment purchases which I tend to regret. So this time, no overdoing - writing down everything... but I won't spend till I've got nothing to save either.

Time actually flies quite fast for me at work, I don't have to be a clock-watcher like in my previous co. Perhaps I do dread admininistrative work despite being rather efficient at it. So here I'm just sailing... happily... plus good food too. Good food helps. So far I've eaten:

• 2 'Pappa roti'-s - Mouth-watering smell, it's really hot and piping-ly good... but if brought home turns oily... yea so must eat on the spot. I guess that's the same for most foods...
• Chew Kee soya sauce chicken noodle/Chiew Kee soya sauce chicken noodle, at road facing Chinatown Point - One is 'fake', the one with the better location actually. I remember eating this with Bern and gang while playing 'shi zi lu kou' at polys life action day a year back. The authentic one, the taste is still the same. Can't really describe it but it's one to be remembered and a craving will develop... 'Cuz after so long I still remember the same taste and to look for the shop...
• Sungei Road Trishaw Laksa found at Hong Lim - It's similar to the Katong types but less coconut, a lighter and more Chinese-y taste. Even comes in the 'chicken bowls', Only $2 as featured on some Channel U show... I much prefer this taste to the Katong ones actually, of which I've tried all the stalls but one.
• Ah Heng's Chicken curry beehoon mee, Hong Lim... there's also two stalls, both claim to be authentic but one has the longer queue probably because of the location... Well, the one I had was very generous with large portions of chicken and fishcake...the curry was nice, a bit too spicy I felt, but I do lyk it hot. Also has a unique taste, something to want to eat again... Slurp...
• Ham chee pengs, Hong Lim... I can never find in sg the ones I used to eat, with sweet glutinous rice in the middle... this shop doesn't have them as well. Nothing much about the other types they sell, I just felt that the oil is fresh and after eating did not have the sickly -oily feeling which is expected for this type of food.

More food will be tried and tested by ... me! It keeps me happy actually, to have such a variety. And I haven't even been to the biggie one at Smith street... People's park food centre is closed so I will thoroughly explore Hong Lim for now. It's been rewarding!

Furniture Designer for the day

The start to my second week at work... I realise it's tough giving so much time to the company that employs you... but it shouldn't drain you, it should be a positive environment. So far it's not really hectic yet and I actually woke before the alarm today and happily set off on the NEL. Used to dislike the NEL for being so expensive and erratic but it seems to be running really efficiently now. I will get immense satisfaction if my designs become reality, for the counter-top and display shelving in the not-yet-started-renovating shop. It's so exciting to see a design, a simple one but nonetheless, one I came up with, 'fruition' and become a fixture that's going to be used... for quite some time.

Read something quite awhile back but this phrase keeps coming to mind recently, it goes something like, how we spend too much time on our bad relationships and neglecting the good ones when actually we should spend more time developing the good ones and not just take it for granted because it's good, stable, etc. I ponder whether I am building good relationships or am nonchalant about relationships. I still don't think I am a very people person but I do have the knack of setting strangers at ease, and talking to them, and being myself and both parties are not anxious but relaxed, comfortable... I guess I don't really care about keeping up appearances to a certain extent, I appear secure as opposed to insecure and trying to hide it by being ridiculous. But maybe that's just my own perspective. I wonder why some people only create problems, both for themselves and others - is it very selfish if we don't bother about them? They are self-centred, aye, but if we become like them then we are no longer influential. Yet it is draining to want to help them, and I shouldn't be so concerned anyways. Perhaps it's a testing of my willpower and personal character, how I behave inwardly and outwardly. Its better to err on the side of good and godly intentions.

While I was ranting to Shiner about how some people... just do not do what they say, or plan to do... perhaps they lack a certain kind of motivation found in very driven individuals. But, if they don't mean it, then why tell everyone about what they are going to do but in the end, procastinate and give diplomatic answers? I guess for me I would not even say it out, perhaps try first and see if what I want to do is feasible. Well, Shiner said, 'Aiya, this kind of people they are always like that; always say (for years sometimes) but never do, don't waste your time on them...' Guess that's true then, they have to pick themselves out from their self-delusion about the things they want to do but in reality everyone knows they are incapable of doing, unless they change their motivations drastically.

Lil Hedgehog's quite a studyholic...when perfectionism sets in, it can be destructive? I mean, no one should feel guilty taking a few hours' nap on a sunday afternoon... Think I value rest and personal space a lot, but I do set myself high standards to excel as well. And studyholics should sleep more. Aye?

Work is important.
Sleep/Rest/Exercise is important.
Relationships are important.
Family is important.
God is important.
My cell/ministry is important.
My personal space is important.

What's the most important?

Hmmm...

You know you're Chinese when...

Quite funny. Managed to tickle me during werk. Reminds me of my parents or someone I know. (Yea, even myself...) Really long, so I've picked a few of my favorites. Plagarized from www.blogthings.com.

You know you're Chinese when...

You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.

When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.

You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table.

Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.

You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.

You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.

You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

You always leave your shoes at the door.

You have a piano in your living room.

You twirl your pen around your fingers.

Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Now that's my parents...!)

You don't own any real Tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. (Oh, we do own tupperware... but we have more of the plastic containers...haha)

You've eaten a red bean Popsicle.

You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.

Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.

You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood.

You reuse teabags.

You never call your parents just to say hi.

If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've 'eaten rice', even if it's midnight.

Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air.

You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.

You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi.

You never discuss your love life with your parents.

Your parents are never happy with your grades.

You keep most of your money in a savings account.

Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.

You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.

You hate to spend more than $5 for lunch.

You have more than five remotes in your house.(Hmm...I have 3 I think, or 4...)

You can't bear to throw things away.

Your unassisted vision is worse than 20/500.

You've worn glasses at least since the fifth grade.

You add twice the amount of water recommended when making orange juice from concentrate.

You've never seen your parents hug.

You always have water when dining out.

You say "aiya!" and "wah!" frequently.

You are constantly being set up with uninteresting (and usually ugly) people by your parents.

Your mother is strangely obsessed with plants.

You notice the main topic at family get-togethers is food.

You seldom ever owned new clothes if you were a second child.

Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings.

Your mother made you peel water chestnuts and snow peas.

You have an lonely unmarried relative who frequently drops by during dinner time.

You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times.

You know what the term "lemon" or a "banana" means.

You only have to shave every other day (maybe).

You wash and reuse ziplock bags.

Your dad owns at least one bird.




I wonder who comes up with all this? Stalkers? Market analysts? Philosophers? Foreigner-in-laws?

The doctorate cake

Shirley said her office window faces an open field with and expanse of blue skies and fluffy white clouds... Where can you find that in Singapore? ...If you're working in Woodlands...

My office window faces a row of foot reflexologists' and geomancer shops... mahjong centre, employment agency... (-_-) I think every month I will try out one reflexology place... then when I'm old I know which is the best one for my aching bones. I'm tall, so I will live longer... but also prone to osteoporisis and the like.

Anyways first day at work, Looked at clothes, went shopping aka market research... surfed the net for information and dreamt up ideas for the label. Managed to squeeze in time to visit Debbie at Khiels'. She told me about the toxic environment in her workplace and I wonder whether I can survive in one. Probably not. For a while perhaps I'd try to change the place; but I'd leave before the place changes me. I'm glad that I'm the chin-chye type and adaptable to most places and people, and most people like me too, but I've been in toxic environments and they are horrid, they just leave you withering, parched, sianz. So my best to Debbie who is considering an industry change... The financial industry? Wonder the meeting today with Mark's mummy a.k.a. boss in Prudential goes.

But more importantly, is their(Khiels') Lip Balm #1 is really that good. Maybe buy one soon. Terribly chapped lips, me. Not to mention my blistering peeling left foot.

They haven't told me my position yet.
I didn't buy the fighting fishies after all...
Next time when I own my own backyard, I will get a big dog. Not German Shepherd. not Doberman. Maybe Husky. But the one I really want is called... a Whippet. I think?... Sounds cute aye but noooo... its those type of slim dogs with really thin legs, hind legs looks like its standing on tiptoes and it has small ears that point downwards, and a long aquiline face on a small head.

The Whippet is a hardy, tough, swift and powerful athlete with a stable and steady disposition. Whippets can be aloof and may bark at strangers as they can become protective of their home. They are very friendly with family and those they know. Whippets are very adaptable, fitting in well with children, others dogs and even cats. -(pets.yahoo.com)

Oooo yea. So let's get a cat as well, with animal-loving neighbors' to take care of them while I jet-set around the world...

Ganesh brought a cake, those birthday-type-ones-with-glossy-fruits, to cell yesterday. We were wondering what was he celebrating. And I was also amazed that no one's ever allocated to bring food, but somehow someone always brings something for everyone to eat. How kewl is that. So, he said that he was fasting and praying for 3 years and finally, he's been accepted to study at the University of Delaware in material science for his doctorate! He said that every year he received the rejection letter he cried; but this year they accepted him and even agreed to sponsor everything, financially. Wow. His brother is coming over to NUS this july to do his PhD also. So there will be an additional 'doctor' in my cell -Susan is a fellow at NUS language dept. Feel humbled that I'm having a small small honors degree... they are the brainiacs here. If I make a date perhaps with the Masters' of Fashion programme, London, Central St Martins'... I will most likely be accepted there based on academia; but for now I'm content to learn more in the Masters' programme, Singapore, University of Life.

And I had two slices of cake. A pre dinner snack. (Dinner was bread with otah, cheese and japanese cucumber.) The cake tasted great too! From LIDO cake shop - I'm assuming not the cinema. Cheers to Ganesh; seeing him so happy brings a smile to my face too.

Three more weeks to the baked alaska!

Last day of poverty and freedom

Urk.

I start work tomorrow!!! *gasps*

Well. Actually I'm alright about it... being adaptable to changes and all. But this is so last minute. Like they only called me today. I have to arrange my wardrobe, clear my bags, prepare myself... psyche myself up... it's so so difficult to find a place that you like - both the scope and the place have to be appealing to me, not to mention the renumeration.

So, I'm a fashion-merchandiser-analyst-designer-worker-assistant... I'm not told what my 'post' is called yet. Promise I'd inform everyone about it. If it's a kewl title. Haha. I'm kinda excited actually... ... yes I like the job scope, from what my manager told me...

Anyways I get a regular salary and I'm gonna save save save thousands and thousands (It will probably take a while.) Ivan, I will treat you to 'baked alaska' when I get the pay cheque...Bet he doesn't know what that is! Haha...

Okie. Told Dad today about the fighting fish. He wanted a red one. So I'm going to get one for him, one for my brother... and one for myself. yay. Mum said, 'No fighting fishies in her house. It's so cruel to let them fight." Eh, Mum, they are just going to stay in their individual glass bottles...

So it's my last day of freedom-and-poverty ... 'cuz cash will be rolling in and I will try hard not to spend much of it... =) Dad gave me $100 to spend today. I'll take a trip across the causeway to get some stuff... aye! Hope they have new stock on nice Hollister shirts.

Going downstairs now... fetch brother home from school, buy lunch and the 3 fighting fishies...

$1 Fighting Fish

Went for a walk today, passed by 'Rainbow' (pronounced in the cheena way of dragging the first vowel and shortening the second one u in a high-pitched nuance: rrraaain-bouuullll) the all-famous aquarium shop in Singapore. Apparently Rainbow is so famous, they don't even need to advertise. And when they do, they don't even need to put the location down, probably because the whole of Singapore knows it by heart.

So I passed by Rrraaain-bouuulll...and they were having a special offer of fighting fishies for $1. I don't really analyze the price of fishes but I guess that's dirt cheap. And there were many, many fishies... say 50 or so glass bottles. Felt really tempted to buy one and take care of it...even though I never really enjoyed fishies-watching. Heard this lame joke over the pulpit: "What's the difference between a fish tank and an aquarium tank?" Answer: The aquarium has plants.

(-_-)

It rained again today, real gray darkened skies and a heavy downpour that lasted till late afternoon, at least at my area. Uncle Sun, I don't need anymore whitening products that tempts consumers by saying, "Do you want to look whiter/fairer/brighter like Sammi/Fann/some chinese artiste?" Noooooo. I want to look tanner. Like Jennifer/Beyonce/Fiona... A light golden brown thank you. April showers are depressing. Long and humid, never refreshing. Or perhaps it's just that I'm ... discomfabulated... I am incredulous at the fact that some commonplace incident drove me nuts. The commonplace incident, no one's fault, triggered off some unhappy memories in the way-off past that suddenly saw daylight and sliced through a supposedly beautiful day. My past gets the better or me. Hey, I'm a present-present person... 'Cuz I live for the moment. But why this... haiz. I think too much. I think I think too much. I know I think too much. But I can't stop thinking, unless I sleep? OR... have a brain transplant with a blonde (oops - intentional faux pas) SO I guess this perturbed state of self-analysis will legitimize my rainy april days into a moody aura. Till I make The Choice to be happy without losing my mind.

As for the fighting fishie, I have a sudden thought to buy a few of the down-trodden, sad-looking ones. The ones with the unbeautiful fins and unhealthy look. Its only $1. Some fish-spca? Perhaps yea... Just thought that it would be nice to give them a better home, a bigger fishie tank while they still have a chance to live. Perhaps tomorrow I'd collect the spare change in my purse and make a kind purchase.

Drops of rain in April

::Drops of rain in April, poem. Copyright mine::



The still breath frosts on windowpanes
And extends like snowflakes on glass
I remember when our eyes first met
Your scent, the warmth of your smile
I close my eyes and try again
To not forget
To keep close to my heart
Your sweet presence.

The distance hurts
Like drawing razor sharp lines on my back
I wish you could read my mind
I wanted you to be happy
Waking moments spent
Suspended; halfway through dreams
Thought you were beside me
Heard your voice
If only it was real
Then I could sleep forever.

I trace the snowflakes with my still-warm fingers
They dissolve, melt away
Like you
Fragile, gentle, beautiful, cold
Tenderly enfold you
Like a small kitten
If we wanted, could we stay this way forever?
Two hurt creatures
Seeking warmth from the bitter cold
In each other finding themselves.

It started, like the morning dew;
Or drops of rain in April
Once seen, it blew a magical dust
I cease to ask how
Or when or why
Just marvelling at a blessing
Of how it came to be.


Far away a sparrow chirps
I thought I heard you say something
But it was only the blowing of the wind.

I'm not so sure anymore

Why does the world, seem to revolve around the things you know?

I sometimes wish that the world(my world) is a better place.

No more killing, no more dying, no more tears...

Perhaps a place like that only exists in Heaven. Here we have to contend with violence, natural disasters, and the worst of all, people hurting other people. Do we not value life enough to want to destroy it? Or, we do not know what we want, it is just that humans have the tendency to be destructive, not peace-loving.

I would never reject any of my friends. Not even the ones who only call me when they are facing some kind of problem; nor those who are the draining types - a simple hangout with them and you feel that they are sucking the life blood out of you, you feel so exhausted. I admit I'm masochistic, but I'm not sadistic enough to reject another person who already has rejection problems. I know Kai once liked this girl, Yen. In all senses they were incompatible yet I did not have the heart to tell him so. Perhaps it's just every male fantasy of being with a much older woman. Well, she knew that he had a crush on him but instead of handling it like a much older woman would; with tact, gentleness and dignity, she just severely rebuffed him. He was crushed, and took a really long time to get over the fact that she became attached to a more suitable companion. Through our conversations, I was appalled at how Yen handled the situation so selfishly. I am sure she had her own psychological reasons for doing so, perhaps she is not experienced like me, haha... But I would never deliberately reject someone else. I do not want to be the source of their trauma, their tears and their pain. If I had a choice, I would rather bear the pain myself as I'd like to think that I'm stronger. That is why I attract people who have depression problems, people with low self-esteem. I like to think that by spending my time with them unselfishly(there is a certain limit of course), I can change their lives for the better.

Even if it's just a little bit.

I'm learning how to love someone, selflessly, but I realise it's really difficult. All human beings are selfish, at a certain extent when they cannot take it anymore, they just go back to their old lifestyles. That is why it is difficult to save people! Perhaps it's also the same for me, in relationships. My past trauma has made me weary. And wary. I love him, but it's just so tough. I can hold on, but for how long? Last relationship. Nearly 4 years ago. The 2001 9/11 attacks made me reconsider my life. It terminated Oct 2001. So why am I hearkening to long-ago events? I'm just scared history will repeat itself, as it always does in my life, in the world...

I've lost trust in the things I can see. Perhaps it's time to focus on the unseen.

"Thanks for letting me love you," you once said.


I'm not so sure anymore.

In the favor of LIFE

Terri Schiavo has died, 13 days after her feeding tube was removed.

I applaud Bush for what he said as a condolence to the Schindler family.
Here, in abridged form:

"The essence of civilisation is that the strong have a duty to protect the weak.
In cases where there are serious doubts and questions, the presumption should be in the favor of life."