Tell me, how to release

Tolong saya untuk tidak mengambil hal begitu serius.
Tolong saya untuk tidak peduli, begitu banyak.

Things are getting bad when despite all the random acts of kindness you've received; the amazing way God has led you to people to encourage you, you still tear when you wake up, at every sad thought, at the bleakness of things. I'm not depressed nor dejected, just disappointed. It's hard to deal. When everything you've known, every little meaningful thing to you, loses its significance - when you don't even smile at the thought of the person you like, when you feel like punching your dearest friend, when your dearest friend cautions you about some unruly behavior and you want to burst into tears; but knowing it would shock him too much and probably he will think it's his fault, you hold it back; but the upset expression shows on your face, way too clear for those who truly know you.

And the reason why I feel so strongly about things is because I care, I think I care too much. For people, for upholding righteousness, about taking initiative, to always speak up for what I believe in.

And suddenly I realise, nobody really understands. When I thought that they should, or cared to. And that adds fuel to my sadness. And that's really hard for me to accept. Find myself being disappointed in people too. I just don't want to be like this, this gray cloud is taking a long time to pass.

Fifi suggested that perhaps I'm ignoring my feelings - well... not ignoring, I do pray a whole lot more than you can imagine... I just choose not to dwell in it... Quite touched that Sheepy was concerned - Actually he thought that I might be upset at him. Which I was rather amused at. But no, I wasn't... he took the initiative to talk to me, to offer wise words and a better perspective. I was wondering how he knew I was really upset by taking one look at my face, perhaps he's sensitive in this sense. Appreciate Sheepy for waving at me across the aisle, and having a conversation during the announcement time. It almost cracked me up seeing how ridiculous it may seem to some, but it was just his way of finding out how I was. This means a lot to me.

I have concluded that emotional stress is the worst stress of all. There's just no way you can really release it. Not by eating - which I've lost interest in lately, nor by crying, banging your head on the wall, writing it out, talking helps a bit... haiz. Is this the start of something good... I wouldn't know whether to agree or not.

You have reached level 51 on the Goldberg scale.

36-53
Moderate to severe depression.

Erm, how inaccurate. I'm just sad... I still think positively. Although it's been lasting for quite some time now. I think taking depression tests will get you even more depressed, haha...

Feelings are unimportant

Tak ada sesal.
Tak ada angkasa untuknya.


I could write about how sad I am, but you probably wouldn't care, or wouldn't know what to do or say to me.

I could write about my day, and the many interesting things that happened; but you probably would form an opinion of others through my reading my thoughts, and I don't want that.

Maybe I'd just stop writing. Stop sharing. Stop talking. Isolate myself.

I could tell you that this week was rough, emotionally, and you will think that I'm just another one of those emotional women who cannot control their emotions.

I've made realisations, about myself, that I cannot live with. Figuratively. So, how? I do not WANT to give up.But I do feel like it. Thought about it. Realised that is what I've always done. I've always lived my life the way I wanted it to be - without regrets. That is why, I always DO things, or SAY things. so that, I will not regret one day, that I never did this or said that, and the moment is gone, forever, and I'd be just miserable.

But I realise that, I'm still regretting, the things I did and said. It's a dumb dilemna where I thought I would regret if I did not do and say those things, but when I did, I also regret doing it! Or you would not think like that, maybe I am too retrospective, too analytical, too critical.



He's coming back.

Not that I regret ever meeting him, or praying about things or leaving matters in God's hands. It's just that this time round, the multitude of feelings brings back many flashbacks for me that I'd rather not have. Feelings are unimportant, says Jelly. How I agree.

Listening ears take away sadness

Berteman seorang baru hari ini, yang membesarkan hati saya.

Always be prepared for life's changes.

I have to admit that the variety of people I meet daily shapes up my perspective in life. Perhaps I've been incredibly blessed, but so far, the people I've met have been kind, sincere, and friendly. They say that life reflects what you make of it. Maybe, I see a reflection of my inner positive tendencies in them too. I'm still very very shy at talking to new people, though.

I've met a man who lives by faith yesterday. Like the ones in Hebrews, he deserves a hall of fame for himself. Never ever thought I would meet someone like that, who inspires me by his willingness to obey God, his unwavering trust that God will provide, his openness in sharing and ministering, how God opened so many doors of opportunities for his newly-planted church. More on that, later. I just wanted to share with the ones I thought would also catch his enthusiasm and joy at what God is doing. Well, the road ahead is an uphill one for him.

And being incredibly blessed, I am at a loss for words at the departure of a dear soul - one I've not known for long, but he is moving on to 'conquer countries'. My new boss, transferring to Hong Kong. Was tearful, and sad, an emotion that seems to keep surfacing in me recently. I do know what I want to write to him. It moves me when he said to his team, about me, the 'latest arrival', that 'This girl is a fighter. She will make it.' Even now, I'm choking up. His words mean so much to me. I'm sad that my personal John C. Maxwell is going to leave. I enjoyed, so much, the times spent sitting in his room and just chatting, analyzing personality types, reviewing sales strategies, just enjoyed absorbing his wisdom, and the calmness of his presence in the midst of a small, personal storm. It touches me so much that he believes in me. I never told him this, but he's the type of guy that I'm going to find, and marry. Although these shoes are hard to fill. Sob sob. The best boss I've ever had. The one that taught me the most, yet spent the least time with me.

Am grateful too, today I made a friend in the office, although I have to say I was not good company, quite crabby because I was hiding my vulnerable feelings. I've realised not too long ago, that if you wait for the 'right' time to say things, it will pass you by, and perhaps the chance is gone, forever. That is also why, recently, I've taken to writing letters and postcards, just because there isn't enough time, to say all the important things felt and received. Before I left the office today, I told him I appreciated him for chatting with me, letting me sit there and mumble, and disturb his work, and just making me feel better. I'm grateful for the company, for the many listening ears at a time like this, I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart.

Leave victorious!

Saya perlu mempunyai sikap positif di hidup!

Some food for thought, that the right attitude directs my future and affects who I am today; my attitude towards life determines life's attitude towards me.

I think I am addicted to John C. Maxwell. "Your Roadmap for Success", my third consecutive book in a row. Heralds the start of a love affair with his writings. =)

Into the second chapter, constantly self-dialoging with myself. I never realised how important attitude is/was, I always knew mine was not in a 'good' state. Growing up, I was careful to always toe the line that separated the wilful from the wicked. Later on I realise that I had so much angst, so much pain, because I belonged to the 'non-conventional' category, a small percentage of people that always felt misunderstood because they thought and acted differently from the majority of the population. Well I later realised that most of the population secretly admired my guts, my tenacity to stand firm for my beliefs, for being daring to wear what I want, to do what I liked, (without giving a damn to what the majority thought, excuse the word). Yes, a big part of me is still like that, I dare to question authority for a reason, I will fight for a cause I believe in, till the very end. I will die for the ones I love. Now, as I begin to understand myself, I begin to understand the world I live in, too. And yet, I've mellowed somehow, in recent incidents and situations I begin to question the futility of even fighting, for the probability of the outcome being in my favor is slim; and with experience, there isn't a valid point to start with. So, having no underlying motivation, I lose, my focus and sense of self-worth. Slightly. I am also hurt with misconceptions of myself, stereotypes that I once played up, that most believed; that I couldn't be bothered to correct, only, leaving it as it is, I fear I may lose bits of my identity.

I sidetrack. Back to the book, one of the best parts is the 'practical' - or is it 'theoretical' points where you can interact with your mental faculties and do some simple yet thought-provoking assignments.

'What are my greatest talents?'
'What is my greatest passion, the thing I love doing so much that I would gladly do it for free?' 'What is my greatest character strength?'
'If I could be anything I wanted, what would I be?'

This book makes me realise I don't really know myself that well. And also, it highlights the fact that in some areas, I don't really know what I really want.

Don't we all.

But in some areas, I know, for sure, that it is what I really want. And I leave it to God.

I love challenges.
I fear that one day, when my ministry or work becomes insipid, I might just lose steam, and drift off to a new place. Needed motivation today, got nuggets of inspiration from Udy. He said, every place that you go to, leave the place victorious. Hold your head high, never let the place defeat you. If you do (let it defeat you), no matter where you go, it will be the same.

Leave, victorious!

Just for laughs

And here, the silliest thing (In my opinion) that was said to me last week:

"Hello...Hey, are you at home?" (This call was received on my home phone.) Fully flabbergasted for a whole 10 seconds, I burst out laughing uncontrollably... Poor, confused soul received a barrage of verbal abuse from me: "Duh! Of course!...Hahahaha... You called my home phone, lei...Hahahahaha...That is the silliest thing I've ever heard...Hahahaha..."

Then, perhaps condemned already, poor soul makes another dumb statement.

Poor soul: "Erm, so I meet you at the bus stop...."

Me: "Which bus stop?"

Poor soul: "The one where you wait for the bus."

Me: "?@!#!? Of course wait for bus at bus stop la! Hahahaha...Then, wait for taxi? Hahahahaha...."

Poor thing. He means the bus stop at my house, downstairs. But because I live in a complicated area, I meant to double confirm whether he meant that bus stop, or the one that is at the main road. I don't doubt his sincerity... I think I was pretty mean to laugh so condemningly too. But heck, I was in a foul mood. Arh well, told him I was going to blog about it.

Underlying thoughts

You see, I believe that everything I do, think, or say, has some underlying thoughts, feelings, or motivations behind it. When I say aye, it doesn't mean I necessarily totally agree. A good listener to me is one who understands, me, more than what is being said. It's tiring to explain things to people who simply don't get it. A little impatience on my part. Then again, it's the undeniably strong chemistry that draws some people together through no fault of their own.

I'm getting flashbacks of things that happened recently. Hey, I thought that you only get flashbacks about things that happened long ago. Something they call 'emotional baggage', unresolved feelings and agendas from way past. Perhaps I've dealt with my past so well that now I have to deal with the recent past. I did ask myself, wy am I so hung up over all the things that happened? I'm not particularly sad, nor upset, nor regretful... so why am I making myself miserable, thinking about all the things that should not have been.

And then I realise the reason why.
I'm disappointed with myself.

How did Deb get her hamster to pose like this...

If I told you not to leave

When I heard that you wanted to leave in two years’ time, part of me wanted to say, take me with you. I’d be so much happier there, than now, in this place. Your eyes seemed to take on a faraway look as you dreamt of living in that place, with lush green valleys, white picket fences. You reminded me of a boy I once knew, someone vastly different from you, yet similar in what lies within. I lacked the confidence to realize my dreams, to make things happen, to let you know I loved you.

I did not meet him for the last time. When he left, I felt sad. Sad. Just another feeling that would pass, with time. I could easily find another boy to love, another man who would see who I am, love me for that, and bring out the best in me. So I waited, and he left. When he came back, I was sick. Sick. Another thing in life you cannot control – the illness just envelops your entire body and you are left in no-man’s land, gasping for breath, crying not because of the pain wracking your entire body but crying, for him, for the lost chance – that, I might never have the chance to see him, again.


I did something stupid, I gave my heart to someone who could not and would not care for me. I did not blame him, I could not love him too. How to, when my heart was miles away, when all I knew and loved with such certainty could not, with the same certainty, promise me anything, because he had nothing to give, he could not.

If I told you not to leave, would you not?
If I said I love you, would you believe me?
If I told you I knew from the first time I met you, that you were the one, would you be able to accept it?
If I told you that you came here for a purpose, and that was to fulfill my dreams, would you wake me up?

Random musings. Some true, some not. An attempt to hide my soul yet reveal it to those who understands the nuances. Gavin DeGraw's songs are really nice. The words, meaningful, something I would write myself if I was into popular music.

Sometimes the ones who are really strong are the ones who dare to cry for love.

Other than what I've been trying to be

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately...

Asking questions, a way of improving myself.

But asking too many questions leads to some headaches and too much analysis leaves me 'aloof and preoccupied'. Guess I'm at my happiest when in the company of people. It helps me to be more positive. I'm so so glad that so many things are happening in my life, at least I cannot complain my life is boring, haha!

Been analysing (again) the people in my life. I think understanding their makeup helps me to better understand conflict management. Wondering how come I just cannot get along with some people, even though on the whole, I get along well with almost everyone. But to connect on a deeper level, very few can actually get that with me. 'It takes time', is just an excuse, I do get close to a rare few, considerably fast, if measured by the quantity of time. Then again, it's hard to please me. Complained that Friend X was too indecisive because he always leaves the decision to me... as if he doesn't have a preference of his own. (In reality, he was just being sweet and pandering to my fragile heart). Then, Friend Y just decided on my behalf - which I wasn't too happy about either! But honestly would prefer, la... Not all the time though. So... it's hard to please me!

I'm over the moon when my big boss spends time with me, I really like him, his character... he's like John C Maxwell live in person, got to see him to believe it! On connecting with people, he told me, it's a higher level when couples that are really close, just give each other a 'look', and instantly one knows what the other is thinking. It's called 'soul-fusion', the word reminds me of some tea, funnily. And big boss is trying to understand people in that way too, to read the body language and spend time with his staff so that he knows what they are thinking (about him?). Haha... guess he will give up trying to 'read' me 'cuz I do give out very confusing signals. Was thinking, hmmm... recently there was one instance where I laughed in a certain way during my conversation, and the recipient immediately knew what I was thinking about. He even voiced it out, to my utter surprise! Maybe he thinks the same way too... oh we are so neurotic. It surprised me because I always thought that you had to know the person for a long time, really... to understand one's soul. On the fast-track perhaps.

Weeks pass by really fast, it's the 39th week of the year. Sometimes I have some inklings to do things but don't get around to doing them, and day after day is filled with other activities that it's pushed, to the back of my mind, that I forget about it and only remember when I'm in bed and it's dark and ... no more energy to do anything, just want to rest. Quite tired this week, and I'm perturbed when commitments clash or I'm late 'cuz I cannot balance my schedule. Still learning, still adjusting. =)

Impossible is nothing

Lately, I've been repeating this phrase to myself. I think it's a good phrase, especially during these times when I have to face so many challenges. But never mind, Rachel loves challenges. Sometimes disappointment in life is necessary? I believe for me, it helps me to treasure the things I have. And it is fun, looking for the silver lining in every gray cloud. Without those disappointments, I would never know how much my friends care for me, or what is my 'adversity quotient', how weak a character I have, or what are the areas I should avoid.

Meeting so many people gives me an insight into human behavior - I still don't understand... why some people have such mindsets, why some are much more easygoing, have less hang-ups in life, and are generally more successful. Maybe one day, I'll find out the answer and relate it in a book or something. It's messy, human relationships, especially when there is love, or material gain involved, the conniving and selfish side of human nature starts to take over and peace is abandoned. Trying to hone my listening skills, to walk around slowly, and learn more from the people around me.

For me, in the past and as well as now, I want to forge relationships based on a genuine and sincere interest in the person as a friend, not for any commercial gain or side motivation. It's hard to convey that, when you are in a sales job; but I guess I have to prove my sincerity. For now it's still the 'tryout' stage, pretty happy using different tactics and motivational approaches to get to see what moves the cheese. It's fun fun fun and I do like it here. Still very very optimistic now.... probably 'cuz I also have high expectations, of what miracles God can do this time round. the more difficult it is, the more my faith level increases, because the reality of the matter then, will blow my mind.

Had a good time showing Sheepy and Shiner my office today... they complimented it. I'm blessed to be here. Shiner said it had an open, relaxed setting...which I totally agree. Find it serene and not pent-up tension in the air like most offices. It's good to do work in a place you love. Later, went to have a simple dinner and coffee. We're supposed to be adults now, it seems childhood is far, far, away. Hee... last friday Jelly and I had fun playing with Shiner's stuff, hiding his present in his bag, trying to slip his handphone in his pocket! Tonight, we will try to quietly slip his birthday card under his pillow....as he wakes up to being 24, hope that he finds it soon? It's a cutesy pop-up card which I think he would really be pleased with. Happy birthday... may all your dreams come true!

In memory of the old wooden bench.

'I love you with your disguise,
you proven me love is blind;
there are no answer I tire;
2 stop the tears from my eyes.'

Anonymous, (sic). Copied from the graffiti on a table at a void deck, sg. 2005.

Remember the bench, the one we used to sit at; and the closeness that we shared, making the small space a little smaller with the inclusion of our bags - yours, a backpack; mine, a small one. Through the nights, we shared our expectations of life; our idealistic and materialistic desires, the funny, horrific, and endearing experiences that we've learnt through our meanders. We talked about the people we knew in church; the ones we liked, the ones we thought could do with some improvement in their social skills. Remember the time when I was afflicted with the dengue and shrank in size, and looked haggard because of the constant surges of pain. I just wanted some time spent, in silence; because even thinking what I wanted to say would drain the last vestiges of my energy. Already exhausted walking to the bench, but I hid the pain from you, when you were dissatisfied with my company.

Sometimes, taking a different path back home, I will walk past that bench. And inevitably, I would imagine the empty bench to be filled with your presence and mine, two of us nestled comfortably on the cold wood, and the wave of sentimentalism would hit me, as I realised that this memory, like the rest, would be relegated into the storehouses of nostalgia, and perhaps, in the near future, forgotten, as easily as it came.

Remember the bench? The bench is gone now. Replaced by some upgrading of the town, the bench has disappeared. And in its place, an insipid beige table, tiled with the same motif as the flooring. Two cement, tiled, benches flank it.

I sat there today and saw this poem. Probably, written by some uneducated student who did poorly in his studies of the language. How nice it was to have this person write an ode to the memories that was there, as if he knew.

Replacing my memories, with newer thoughts, I marvel at the inability to forget.

Thousand miles yet uncovered

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

- Ancient proverb, Chinese origin.

Learning to stay positive. Its trying, too many concerns boggling up, and issues where I felt was really bad mis-management in general that got many people uptight and frustrated, me included. Already emotionally drained since the past week, I really wondered how I survived this week without banging my head against the wall, literally, or wounding some unfortunate soul. Still must say that I cannot handle my feelings that well yet, perhaps I do not deem it as that important. Some of my sheep called my almost everyday to share their frustrations too. It's terribly hard to be encouraging when you don't feel too good yourself. Many times I wanted to tel them to get a grip on themselves, my issues are bigger, more serious, much more sensitive... It has really been tough on me, but on the other hand I'm glad that they chose to share with me their concerns, and that by listening, I can provide a positive influence on their lives.

Still, ministering angels are around to encourage me. The people I interacted with, shared unhesitatingly about what God is doing in their lives, even those whom I'm really not close with and have not interacted with before. They put a smile on my face by their sincere faith in God, and I believe this week I have been touched, by many. Won't forget the prayer on the escalator to the Esplanade; the sincere offer that I can call, anytime, I need to talk. The kind words and prayers, so many. I needed those. I'm so tired.

Before falling asleep I think of a hundred things.
Some gruesome, some gentle, some so weird it cannot be classified into any category.
Some moments of reminicising seem so poignant when the darkness falls and the wind with the smell of the rain, blows past the window into my room.
I huddle, snugly tucked in between the sheets, with my toes peeking out.
Wondering about the way I feel, about things that I need to resolve.
Not thought about it for some time now, the daily activities has kept me happily busy.
But certain things I once felt, has resurfaced.
I cannot walk past you and not acknowledge your existence.
Just wanted to understand what cannot be comprehended.
What do things mean to you, now, and does it even matter.
Moving on is great, but there is a part of me that needs to remember.
This is my history and you are a part of it. Admit it was a mistake, and live, free.
I do not want excuses, I do not want valid reasons.
Just thought that it would be nice if we could meet for tea.
Wanted to hear from you, how have you been, what have you been doing.
The response is as always, 'I'm busy'.
It might have been, I never want to see you again, or, leave me alone, the result is the same.
Immune already to these reactions, I struggle to understand your psyche.

I'm already free. I've moved on now. I like someone, you know?
I have a job. It's a wonderful place. My life has changed. I'm going places, meeting new faces.
You seem oblivious to the day and toil on, late at night.
I just wanted to meet for tea.

Come and make, my heart, Your home

God always speaks to me in amazing ways, through people, through songs, through daily activities. It's been a tough week for me generally; emotionally so drained because of all the conflicting feelings - happy and stressed at the same time, worrying, but knowing God wil provide, just not knowing when, and how... There is a testimony in the making; if God-willing, actually two testimonies. Being now in this 'valley' though is not a nice feeling at all. I prayed/lamented to God, Psalms 121 verse 1, it went something like I look up to the hills for help, where does my help comes from? Where. Where. Where. I need to know, and I need to know it quickly, argh!

And during service one line in the worship song just 'jumped' out at me:
"For Your love, is higher than the heavens...." It is as if God is tapping me on the shoulder and saying gently, Heyyy... Remember that I love you...I see your heart, your desire for things to happen.

In times like these I'm glad to say that I'm never alone. The prayers mean so much to me, when I know friends are keeping me in their hearts. Just sobbed when I heard the children sing worship songs to God - Serving in the 4-6year old group, these kids are really intelligent yet still having the innocent faith. They just sang out loud at the top of their lungs. I thought my singing was already pretty loud, but their voices (and there were not many of them) drowned me out. Listening to this kids made me realise how faith works - I think, their faith is stronger than mine, for the very least, that they believe every word they are singing. And singing it with gusto, with a firm belief that is so lacking, when we grow up.

And Hansel, this really handsome, naughty, active, charming boy... kissed my hand quite a few times. I think I fell in love with him. Oh yes, I kissed him back too. On the cheek. The childlike gesture to show that he likes me touched me so much. Almost felt like doing it to Shiner too, but I'm sure he would be too amused.

I'm still so emotionally drained; probably I've never felt like this or encountered such a situation before - something that I really really want to see happening, the door is open right in front of me, but it's such a tiring journey just to get there. I do wish things could be easier, but at the same time I know that I'll really treasure it when the journey is more difficult. I do like challenges, but I'm afraid emotional ones do not bode well for my mental faculties. Trying not to sigh is already challenging enough. Needing support in the form of prayer for now, I'm thankful for the few people that will rally around me. Keep me in your heart. Whatever the outcome, I will worship Him, with abandon.

I look to the hills for help...

Je soulèverai vers le haut mes yeux aux montagnes, d'où mon aide doit-elle venir ?

...and I am getting very, very stressed.

Still, I'm keeping a song in my heart. That, He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. How can I stretch my faith? How can I know what is best? How. Who. Why when where what... arh.

I'm happy when I'm busy. Even when complaining that I am busy, this gives me a sort of perverse satisfaction. When I'm busy I don't eat - actually, not that there's no time, just no mood and I don't feel hungry anyways. Which is good, I can survive on little primary-school type biscuits that come in transparent plastic wrappers, little round coins with a yellow one- on top and a brown one below. Realised the reason for the myriad of emotions, it's due to me being on multitask mode, thinking about a million things, work, ministry, people, schedules, dreams, finances, future plans, prayer, reflections, things not yet done, etc all rolled into one big, overlapping, ginormous train of thought that never stops. Heck even before the alarm rings my happily overworked mind is choosing to start the engine before the body warms up. I can actually pray in a subconscious state - aha! That needs a high level. It's either due to the fact that internally I am super stressed, or that I am super holy. Well, the former is true anyways. I need lessons in 'how to hope' when hope is frail... it's time to kill... But there can be miracles, when Rachel believes. For now, I am still positive and I can actually feel some people praying for me, it 'floats' me now. But when reality seems bleak I really don't know how I can hope. Hope is futile, it is a dream, a lavish emotion, wasted on something that is or might be going to take place, but whether it does; is not dependent on hope, but the extenuating circumstances. Hope is the only thing that sustains a positive mindset, for now.

And now I am hoping for two things to come to pass, not just one. For a dream fulfilled. For needs to be met, urgently. For 2 miracles to happen, and then it's testimony time. I'll pray like I've never prayed before, this really stretches my imagination! =)

Hope for a good thing to happen; and about liking someone

It's the heart afraid of breaking,
that never learns to dance.

It's the dream- afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,

And the soul afraid of dying,
that never learns to live.

-Bette Midler, The Rose

I told Sheepy yesterday over sms, "It's a matter of choosing whether or not to like someone; and in doing so, making it a part of your destiny."

Wished he understood that in a way that I wanted him, and everyone else, to. To understand that many things in life is futile; that hearts can be broken -but in naivete, mended, again. Being open to others does not lower your standing, you gain, from the other's openness too. Enigmatically I open myself up, only to those, who are open,too. So they perceive me as being open but, they are the open ones as well. It feels good to have a buddy share with you things they do not share with others, it makes me feel special that they have chosen, for this moment in time, to just share a little about themselves.

And for those I like, I remember. Every little thing. It's a part of my subconscious that wants to be playing a role, however unimportant, in their lives. That makes me want to hear, and hearing, seek to understand the person behind the facade, the mind beyond the visuals, to understand ... the soul of the person. Hopefully, someone will want to understand me in this same way too, that the way I think would be as intriguing to him as to me, because we share a dream, for ourselves, for our future...I hope, not because it is a dreamy, idealistic thing to do... but because it is necessary for me, for my dreams, to survive.


I need finances. I know it is a testing of faith for me.... a real stretching of it for these few months! I see possibilities, yes, and I believe all will work out. But for now, it's the time of just gingerly stepping into the waters, and letting God lead from there. I've just been allocated a slot for December's Aceh trip. I have no clue how to raise the $600 before this weekend, to go. It would be awfully devastating for me should the chance pass me by, just because of the financing issue. I need an answer for this, quickly... For now, I'm still in hope. Going to pray, for a miracle. =)

Now what?

I wonder if men are like that, too. 'Cuz I feel a myriad of emotions. And I'm supposed to be a thinker. Unfortunately for me, realised my thinking cap has flown away to the lost worlds these days. Can't handle the overwhelming emotions that is just sweeping over me. Probably due to the fact that I've made 2 conclusions in the last 2 weeks or so. Me, I like to generate a thousand possibilities of exciting things happening... so when I conclude, it's like, ok. What's next? And perhaps that would be slightly depressing for me.

I cannot help but wonder why things happen the way they should. I'm not complaining, but life seems so different two, five, eight, months ago. Friends come and go so quickly. The global village that has made communication so much easier, also eats into our friendships. It becomes a sort of mutitasking.. even on the phone, when it was a privilege before, it is now viewed as another time-consuming activity. Even for me, I chat and manage to eat a meal, watch tv, read a book, prepare agendas, etc. I've displaced the energy it takes to build common bonds into trying to save time, and it doesn't really save much.

Yes, I am frustrated. And idiotically I don't know the reason why.


Or maybe I know why but I am not facing up to it.

Maybe if I sleep more it will all go away. Tell me not to worry. It's impossible. I'm not the 'worrier' sort, but sometimes when I think of the gravity of the situation, it befuddles me and I am lost, lost in the wonderful world of burdensome thoughts, things that I forget to do just pops up in my subconscious state as woefully punishing dreams, the tone of voice which I use changes into a subdued tone and I wish that for one instant, I could be someone else, not me. And it's hard to tell anyone that, you want to change just because change is good not because you don't like yourself, not because you are constantly dissatisfied with things. Or that you can't make any sense of the way the economy works or the way the world revolves, at least in your small little utopia, things aren't as rosy as it should be seen.

Arh.

I cannot pray for God to take away my emotions, 'cuz I don't want to be a robot.



Hahaha... couldn't resist that!

At the AHM

Being at the AHM last Sunday was a fun experience for me. After 'attending' runs, I begin to understand why running is exhilarating for these guys! Yet, I don't suppose I can ever run the distance - 21 km... Not even 12 km. Just watching all the people managing to complete the run and whizz past the finish line...wow. And I noticed a few couples (which means the girl can run really fast) running hand-in-hand. Told Gee that if I was there, the guy had to drag me instead of ... hand-in-hand, haha! It was fun documenting my journey and taking photos.

There was one photo that Gee helped 3 strangers to take - ironically, they looked like what I imagined my 3 guys to be in 20 plus years' time. I cannot imagine in AHM 2025, they are still running, and I am still taking photos. What will be all be like then? Am I even here, in Singapore? And how would the 'route' change, in the future...? I'm sure lots.

I think it was a thrill 'cuz it was my first time spectatoring at the AHM and I had company so it wasn't a long wait at all, in fact I hardly waited... We were supposed to wait at the monument- cenotaph, but feeling restless and wanting to see the runners running, we walked to the start line at the Esplanade bridge - it was still dark, a rare sight to see the roads undecorated with cars and the runners past the One Fullerton, and then we boarded the coach for 'supporters of the race at SRC... Which took us to ECP and Fort Road and the places, to see them running... We were the only two people in the bus which made us feel so much like VIPs on that day! Saw interesting heaps of white cups which was once filled with gatorade, drank and thrown by the runners alongside the various points. The bus took us back to the finish line near the Padang and by then, the first guy had already came in! Managed to see the second womens' veteran and the rest... So interesting that the Minister of Defence took part too. =)

It was a good way to spend a Sunday morning, just soaking in the atmosphere. Gee and me agreed that in the future, if ever, our spouses were runners, we would definitely go down to support them. Toting our babies and all. Hee... Sheepy was telling me not to be there so early, I could go down later at a not so unearthly hour, but I indignantly replied that if I wanted to support, I'd support all the way. From the Start line, to the finish. Managed to see all of them go past the Finish line, and snapped them too. Except Jelly, 'cuz I was running after Shiner... Had a great photo of Sheepy running to the Finish! A lanky, orange, blur which looked so nice! At least to the photographer. And the best shot of Sheepy offering me ice cream. It was impromptu- and posed. Next up, making collages, my new favorite pasttime. I was beaming inside when I saw that Shiner put up the photos as his desktop wallpaper.

I want to go to the biathlon next... =)

Inside the cab at 5:50am, near YCK road
AHM 2005

On the CTE to Esplanade
AHM 2005

In the dead of the night
AHM 2005

Artistic shot aye
AHM 2005

The 'before' photo
AHM 2005

Up the Esplanade bridge
AHM 2005

Flag past the starting point
AHM 2005

Nice back
AHM 2005

It's a long way to the finish line
AHM 2005

Some artistic shot whizzing by the road
AHM 2005

A glimpse of the runners at ECP
AHM 2005

6:49 am and on the road
AHM 2005

Imagine, this is what they will look like in 20 years'...
AHM 2005

The beautiful sign, against the cityscape
AHM 2005

Drenched and happy
AHM 2005

Spot YH as he crosses the finish line!
AHM 2005

A lanky silhouette
AHM 2005

Time for a tete-a-tete after the 21km...
AHM 2005

2 weeks ago, JL's hair was shorter...KX's hair was longer...YH's hair as beautiful as always
AHM 2005

The ice cream seller...The bread? The cone? Or the one in orange...
AHM 2005

I got what I wanted!
AHM 2005

The feet of a runner... observe...
AHM 2005

where?
AHM 2005

Beyond age, beyond color, beyond conditions

I seem to know, or to make friends with people from all walks of life. And only recently I've realised that this is not the norm for most people - they, make friends with people like their own kind. Of course, collegiates definitely have more friends in the category of a similar education level as them, as their path of education defines the social circle they create for themselves unwittingly. But few dare to venture into other social circles - why not, for friendster states that 'every other person is connected to each other by only 6 levels of separation'.

It's not ever possible to define how much of our lives we create. Some choices, we make. Others are deemed by circumstances or by genetics - how athletically inclined we are, defined by predisposed bone structure and body mass. How intelligent depends on how young our mothers were when they were with us, and how our forebears fared in the SATs of their time, and a smooth entry into the world, not being preemies, not having any defects in the time of our creation. Yet, those of us elite, being more capable than others, tend to look down on those we deem as more inferior than us. It's always the handsome hunk that turns out to be a scumbag because the way the world views beauty as superior(thus giving him the ability to misuse it) - then, he can blame it on the times in which he is born in, too. It's how we treat those below our level, those incapable of helping themselves, that shows our character, isn't it? I cannot imagine that if I looked like those petite, helpless girls with big, pleading eyes, how would people look upon me.

I've distinctly felt people treat me very differently when they think I am just another- diploma graduate; compared to when they realise I do have a slightly above average degree at my age. Then, I can see the change in their eyes, almost as if I'm being promoted to a higher social level in their horizon. (That is why I often neglect to tell people about my education unless they probe, haha) I don't know what contributes to this change of attitude, perhaps the realisation that I am better educated than them, thus above their league, or maybe they respect me more 'cuz I am thus perceived to be more intelligent now that I am degree-educated. I do not believe their motivation for the change in attitude is superficial, more likely it stems from what we have been ingrained to believe, that smarter is better, intelligence is highly regarded. I always blow their mind when I say that I do not mind an O' level grad. as a potential better half. It's sort of hilarious to see their disbelieving looks - I guess mainly to the notion that O'level grads now are far and few between, but I do know of a few, some that could make good husbands despite the 'gap' in education. If I only had an O-level education, people would not laugh at me, for aiming to get someone degree educatied, for that is supposed to be good...Then, should I look down on myself for being lowly educated? Of course I believe too that everyone can excel beyond his limitations and everyone should be as highly educated as possible, but that is another matter in itself.

I still have a lot to learn in this area, of accepting beyond social norms, accepting people in cell, to see beyond color, beyond culture. Kie shared to me what Heng said, that his love(for a woman) transcends beyond age and beyond color. For Kie, he cannot accept that. Maybe we are all narrow minded. Help me to see people the way they ought to be seen.

Every time I meet Markos I get introspective, not least because we are instrinsically different from each other. Polar opposites. and we get along so well. (Then the constant clashings with Travis is strange 'cuz we are opposites, too.) I may be wrong, but his life seems to be planned out for him the moment he was born. Never having to struggle much, always steady, a secure life and a stable family, born with extremely good mental faculties, well-to-do, low-profile, generally well-liked by everyone. I can't say for sure this kind of life does not appeal to me, yet I'm 'not-the-type' to relish it. I might change my mind, 'cuz it hasn't been made, yet. Just as well that my life is generally unpredictable.

I hope that when I am older, I will be someone that people look up to, not because of my education, or the income I bring in, or the ministry level I am at, or the way my life has been so far. I just hope they respect me for me. And I will try, each time I meet someone new, not to find out about their education paths, or how many medals they have won, or how high their IQ is, or how many credit cards they have(haha!) or ... all those many superficial things, but just to find out about them, and try to understand the person they are, social norms aside. Away with the 6 levels, I only want one.

Words; and a new song...

It's definitely so much more meaningful to wake up to a day that's occupied with happy things like meeting people, learning more about new stuff, going different places(preferably mostly air-conditioned), and just feeling that you matter, to someone.

I would just love it when people tell me that I've just 'made their day', or when they sincerely thank me for something I did not expect gratitude for, or cannot remember doing. I'm grateful for their support, when I'm feeling low as I was, this past week (job-hunting woes) and a lady's predisposed moodiness took over me, I'm happy for my friends' concern. Only lately realised how Kie has been my 'emotional support', 'my right hand man' in so many ways that I'm ashamed to admit I sometimes underestimate his talents and underutilize them, ministry-wise. Melted a little when he told me he is praying for me and sms-ed me a verse(Phil 4:6)... then, Shiner too(Luke 18:7 and Psalms 37:3-4)... Debster too... everyone is soooo encouraging!

John C. Maxwell said this and I echo it too, everyone needs encouragement in their lives, and for sometime now I guess, I don't seem to be getting enough encouragement. Not that I desperately long for it, but some support would be nice. Shiner said something insightful, when I muttered this to hi, he said that the people around me don't know what to encourage me about. 'Cuz I do portray an unshakeable positive attitude? Or I just seem to have no worries? Hmmm. It set me thinking quite a bit. I think I shall share more of my concerns with others around me. I tend to share only the excited, happy things, true. That's 'cuz this season I'm excited and happy with so many things to anticipate! But I could use some encouragement, or a pass-it-on card.

While I still have some time left, I shall write nice long letters to everyone.... love writing... love singing too... but it would be too weird to sing odes to the folks I know.

Writing a new song...New song being completed soon. Working title being 'Unseen Hand'... creepy eh, like 'Corpse Bride'(which no one is keen to watch with me) Eh, 2 weeks...in progress... this is a really slow pace for songwriting for me... Think it's mediocre, but good, considering I have not written for so long. Been wondering what sparked this in me again. While compiling my digital music, was opening all my old CD-Rs, have so many of them for schoolwork previously. I found one with the documents of some of the old songs I forgot I wrote, yay! (I mean I remember writing them, but I cannot remember the entire song/composition.) Kept playing them. And whoo hoo! Beamer-my-rich-brother went to Comex, now I've got a wireless mouse and Prodikeys DM to play with. If I can figure out how it works!

Shiner

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."- Helen Keller

Simply titled, Shiner.

Much like his namesake, he never fails to lift up my spirits. That's why I like to see him so often, he reminds me of how I should take things easy, view life's obstacles optimistically. He believes it won't rain; though the weather forecast says it will. And somehow I just find myself wanting to believe it, too. And when I'm talking to him, I become more animated, I laugh more, I notice more positive things. This is one guy that everyone wants to introduce girls too! (Next up: Kie's sister!) I'm overly protective of that, though...him being so innocent, 'never-been-kissed'...and I will feel a tinge of sadness definitely, 'releasing' him after my unextreme makeover is fufilled.

In this friendship, I will not forget being at the bus stops for obscene amounts of time waiting forever for the bus to come, but at the same time, gaining an insight into each other's perspectives as we communicate our thoughts and chatter away merrily like schoolkids, poking fun and screaming hysterics at each other.

I have to say that it's the geographical location that brings us together, in this friendship... Sudden feelings of acute loneliness when Shiner moved to hall and the reality of travelling alone...well, sucks pretty bad. It's always like that, certain things that change, that cannot be helped, and you are left wondering what actually happened that made it like this, when there was, just a minor alteration to schedules that caught you unaware. Sure, we still meet pretty often- and I do depend on him for some support, it's always more fun with him around, in birthday bashes and 'running outings', which we had a few, recently.

I do hope this friendship lasts, that it can last beyond years. I hope that is an achievable objective.

Before I forget, I will remember these dear memories:

Everytime after service, anxiously waiting for the bus to take us home, and then, (because of the dark, ulu locale which I stay at), he will tell me to sms him when I'm back...And when I don't, sometimes forgetting, he will sms me to confirm I'm not spirited away. That's just so sincere and thoughtful...I'm confident that if I don't reply, he will send search parties for me... I appreciate it so so much.

The times I'm exasperated with him for being 'brur brur', for not being initiating enough, for just being a punching bag 'cuz I get irritated for no valid reasons with people and I'd just launch into an attack for several minutes... He just takes it in his stride and instead of reacting, shows concern for my situation, or agrees with me that he is stupid...I just melt and relent and ... tell myself to be not so mean, until the next time...

His enthusiasm which encourages me so much, his interested responses in my small happy smses about the usually happy things that happens(sometimes sad, can't help it), makes me look out for interesting things in my life, too...And I do feel that he is supporting me in looking for such!

The incident where I was really upset about work and about Izac and he just offered to meet me, even though it was late and there was nothing I could do about it... I remembered that, we were sitting at a badminton playing area... I just wanted some emotional support I guess. Not very close then also, but felt that he was someone trustworthy I could talk to.

And, him encouraging me to get to know someone better, setting me up, encouraging me to see Mr X's good points, Mr Y's striking features, Mr Z's blah blah... although my matchmaking attempts for him were not so successful, I'm sure there will be many more opportunities hee.

And the way he always try to pay for my bus fare, food, drink, snack...even though he is not rich, still like this...woo! I want to hug him! I didn't take it for granted! I noticed... =) and it's so endearing!

And he changed his phone plan to free incoming for me... I know, not 'especially' for me, but I did generate a $100+ bill last month, lucky he didn't ask me to pay half, haha! I think the smses too...costs a bomb. Even Jelly thinks I'm constantly on the phone with Shiner. Which is...not really true la, it's because lately we seldom meet, but still need the same amount of quality time, so tend to talk more and also because I want to hear about his activities but I always end up chirping again...

He thinks he is not handsome, because he says he is too thin... hey but in my worldview, he's tops! Where else can you find such a wonderful individual...with a really solid character too. He always says he is not intelligent because he only has a poly dip... but he is working his way to a teaching degree...and intelligence is not measured by how many degrees you get, or how high is your IQ...at least to me. He always says he doesn't like being so quiet, 'too quiet' and too shy...But his sunshine smile and sporty nature endears him to many, and his listening skills is that of an excellent leader. A really humble guy... who does not hesitate to sincerely tell me I'm pretty and intelligent in one sentence without sounding contrived or flattering, that is just the way he is.

I imagine it must have been hard for him, growing up... he has never uttered a word about his childhood or his past experiences, which must be really difficult; but instead of resigning himself to it, or to just be a mediocre individual, these experiences has built his character and really shaped him, to be someone I respect. He never asks for anything in return, but just does things willingly and happily. I salute Shiner, for being a friend to me, for being who he is. Someone that brings out the best in me and adds a dose of badly needed sunshine into my life!

Now, I can 'lomo' my digitally enhanced shots...

Video for Nias Team 1

Took less than 2 hours to conceptualize and finish editing the vid clips. Rather satisfied with it 'cuz it's only my second time making a video - not actually making, more of compiling. Pleased with the blog, too, although haven't figured out how to use the media audio hosts (Signed up for two, but the configs were too confusing for me. Shows that they need more webdesigners and less IT techies on the job.) Not that satisfied with the vid, though... wish I was using iMovie. Ah well, found so many great tools online for audio streaming, video blogging, etc etc... all the techie mumbo jumbo that I'm obviously unused to.

And the song was so apt. Somehow, the lyrics made so much sense to me after that.

But well, I still can't figure out a way to encode the video thingy and blog it. Maybe later.

Tags: travelogue

REAL Run and Divine Encounters

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."

- Peter Drucker, in "Becoming a Person of Influence" quoted by John C. Maxwell.

Whew! The weekend was a tiring albeit definitely fulfilling one. Did many things I would not normally have done - Like waking up at five on a Sunday morning, talking to sweating, panting strangers... Changing in a guy's room(Evidently I was displaced, and worried too at what the beloved mum would say)...Went to Kai's 21st birthday... Hee. All in a day of my exciting life, aye! So, in the most coherent way I can, I'd try to remember all the really good stuff that has been happening. God has always answered my 'little prayer', weekly, (this week was no exception) and I'm keeping track of His promises to be fulfilled.

REAL Run. First time for me! As a 'spectator', haha. Was pleasantly surprised when one of Jelly's friends, this doctor-to-be, sincerely thought I completed the race as well. Immediately gave him the time of the day plus 10 points! Tried hard not to be too 'overwhelming', i.e. over friendly in the SALTing way, but he was a really really nice person. And said one thing that made me sit up and think. I asked him why the choice of profession. He said, "To make the difference between life and death". Was speechless. Deep thoughts.

After the whole Sentosa journey, kind of rushed to get to Kai's house for the birthday celebration, so I trooped to Shiner's place, nervously, as what would Shiner's mum say? Although I'm quite an auntie-killer, but I don't think any mum would be pleased to see her baobei son with...me, just the two of us? And somemore, I was wearing this killer beach attire, totally indecent for middle-aged women to view. Alone in the house? Changing and, bathing, somemore? Eee. Shiner didn't seem perturbed as though it was a common thing for him to bring girls home all the time... Well, nothing much happened, Mum came home from church, me already changed and happily munching on a curry puff. Mum's the quiet type and didn't shoot me daggers or quizzical looks saying what are you doing to my son alone in the house on a Sunday afternoon... Whew, I tried to salvage eh, his integrity by sending brainwaves to her that I was totally disinterested in him... arh...I'm sure she'd ask him though... hur hur.

Last week was chock-ful of divine encounters to say the least, starting from Sunday's serving at Carepoint where God showed me someone to pray for, and I was taken aback as the person at the altar was the person in my vision. I prayed for her unhesitatingly. On Tuesday, dragged my feet to a Countrybank interview, a job which I knew I would reject (They did want me though - have to pray for the right doors to be opened, then.) Met a Trinitarian I could give encouragement to. On Wednesday, met another Trinitarian who was a new friend, too. On Friday, while at Bishan sipping coffee, bumped into my insurance agent, and asked him to the Action! cell on Saturday. On Saturday, met Des who just accepted Christ like 2 weeks ago 'cuz when I met him 3 weeks ago, he was still an 'oikos'. Connected him with Shiner, hope he integrates into the cell. On Sunday, made two oikos while I was 'guardian of 'my running friends' bags', they happily and trustingly deposited their valuables with me. I think I was perching on a strategic place, and I looked 'honest and friendly'? After the run, managed to get one oikos' contact with an invitation to the night cycling event, too! Glad I could put SALTing into practice, with a great testimony to share to my cell folks.

Looking back at the week, it's simply amazing, people might think that I'm awfully anointed - I know I'm not, I just am terribly prayerful lately, since I do have a lot of spare time on my hands. And God has met some of my personal agendas too, I got to know some of my cell mates better, something I wanted to do for some time, and deepened some new friendships as well. Realised that bonds are forged with time, and with the sharing of similar experiences.

Leading a cell for me in this season has been relatively smooth-sailing. Previously, it was almost traumatic. I'm glad to know that Jelly, too, has been through some rough-sailing times in ministry. Same boat, different storm. Trying to be a better listener, which makes a difference in my life. Shared with Jelly that I was not like that in the recent past, perhaps I've learned to take an interest in others, perhaps I was too preoccupied with other preoccupations. Lately, learnt(from Jelly, he's a natural at this) to just put all those aside and to focus on an individual, for the few, precious moments. I do enjoy dialouging with this guy!

Through understanding them, I understand more of myself, too.

Categories: spirited, lifeissues, dailyaffairs

My 3 hunks! At REAL Run, 28 August 2005, Sentosa.

Do what?

I'm reading this book now, "Becoming a Person of Influence" by John C Maxwell and Jim Dornan. One thing that struck me today was something said by William James:

"Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for the practice."

So today, actually...there was one thing. I had to go to this job interview for a job that I did not want as I disagreed with the salary, the location and the job scope itself. Besides, the interview was postponed thrice and the first time, I made a trip there for naught. So I was increasingly irritated as well and really wanted to go to the gym instead of this interview, before cell today. But, I remembered what I read, and I felt compelled to just go , even though I really do not want to...Thought I would do something to build up my character.

On the way there, I met someone - a Trinitarian! This guy whom I've always seen around in church but never got acquainted to. We both recognized each other, but hesitated to say hi. After all, we were practically strangers. I took of my earphones and ventured to say something which in retropect was rather idiotic - "Hey, you're from church, right?" We just started talking (another amazing thing, in the past I would never do this...I'd walk hurriedly away, haha) and he asked where I was going, I shared about the interview that I did not want...After the conversation, he told me he would keep a lookout for a job for me, and said actually he was feeling pretty down before he met me, because of his work, but he actually brightened up and we both managed to share and encourage each other before we parted.

I'm really amazed at this divine appointment, I stop to think that if I had never ventured out of my house, I would not have a chance to encourage someone, or to even know this person.

The next thing I had to do was to run ...OH I hate running... I can walk stairs or lift weights but please don't ask me to run. Shiner said that he doesn't like people who do not have the right attitude and mindset in taking on stuff like running. I am someone who is peeved when anyone implies that I don't have the right attitude (Perhaps I don't really have one, yes?) So I'd go all out to 'prove' the person wrong, that I am right... Well, yesterday I ran 1 round round the small jogging track below my house...Heard about thighs getting huge if jogging on flat surfaces, so I sprinted and ran on 'terrain' which included several staircases. Today, I ran 2 rounds. It's really 'nothing' when you look at the small small track... but to me, it's a big accomplishment - Doing something I hate to do... And also, to prove people right, in the right attitude of doing things. Shiner's slightly amazed that I can push myself to do these things, but then again, I am tenacious, =) And actually the weather today is cool and breezy, just the right temperature for a midnight sprint. My legs ache though, I wonder if I can manage 3 rounds tomorrow...

I'm still wondering about God's purposes...lately He has been answering all my 'short-term' prayers...Simply wonderful, as I do pray seriously about the small matters that mean so much to me. I hope to be used by Him, to hear the prompting within, something which I've neglected for some time. =) I'll rest happy tonight, despite the aching legs.

Categories: spirited, dailyaffairs

Oooh... the resident feline...Meme!

Artistic shot of the cat - she makes a natural model.

I wonder if there's any food below the pretty pink food box? Oh, I can't chew yet...

Eee...I'm scared...Look at the biggie cat below!

Oops! Too near! My nose...

There's something in my eye...

Sniff sniff...I'm climbing up Rachel's shirt...

The 5 hamsterlets in a pretty pink food box

Heart-to-Heart Chat

Yay. =)

Had an aptly fulfilling Heart-to-Heart Chat with Travis. I was pleasantly surprised that he didn't think I was unreasonable, or over-sensitive to have such insinuations about him, and more surprisingly, he actually admitted to a guarded behaviour of late. Reasons notwithstanding, I shall not know if he refuses to reveal them to me. Of course I would not hold it against him if he does. But it was unutterably tiring to wonder why, for those weeks. Now that I know what I thought is true, the 'why' is less important now. Still, realised many things through the chat - One, that he implicitly varies from me in ideals and the whole thought process. We both made many assumptions that caused hurt to both; on my part I shall be more tactful in this area and choose to act sensibly as I should. I was perturbed that he confessed he too, was hurt with my asinine brushing off of his serious remarks which I perceived as nonsensical utterances, as I was already guarded, as previously I had shared deeply but he just gave a fake "HA ha. aiyo", which made me terribly frustrated with violent thoughts of slinging my handbag at him. I think we would never share the connection I have with Shiner or some others; the intuitive connection... which was what I was looking for actually, a soulmate of sorts, Ah well, it doesn't really matter to me now. It would have been nice, though.

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I'm so blessed to have an online preacher = Jelly! Hoho. Despite not going to YAS I still could get my sermon feeding from the online journals of p.jelly. =) Yea, sharing online does work for me, but I imagine him to be pretty flustered with my interactivity, asking whether Moses was an 'unwilling hero', and all...and I berated him for not being able to remember the 3 points, although he heard it just a few hours ago. Journalling does help, hehe. Learnt from my new cell members on remembering the sermon outline, since some of us attend different services, we would ask each other what's the wtw/5pm service about? Which pastor was preaching, etc...And the newbies could remember all the points of the sermon, which I felt really ashamed after that, 'cuz I cannot even remember a single thing! That was late last year, and from then on I committed myself to listening, and learning, and remembering. I can proudly say that I can remember the sermon outline - at least till the next sermon. Frankie can remember the whole series, it's so... stressful? For the 'Attitudes to Success", he can still remember, I'm quite positive of that. I really learn a lot from them! And Jelly was really nice too, taking the effort to share what was shared. Haven't told him I borrowed his name for my new poster. I guess he would notice it when it's up then, in a few weeks' time.

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Baby hamsters have opened their eyes now! 5 of them now... The biggest one looks like the father, so handsome... eh heh.

Categories: dailyaffairs, friendship

Thanksgiving poster, EAST District

The Essence of Falling in Love Part II

Please don't misunderstand that my mind is constantly tuned to the above subject matter. I am imaginative, and I do have dreams about love just like any other typical girl out there, but it is not my main preoccupation. Although I do seem to write about it more often these days.

Have to 'give wise counsel' to a cell member, for her and an impending romance. Hence the loveful thoughts. Dampening others' bliss is not my preference, however, in the face of integrity sometimes, the truth hurts. Someone recently asked me this question, If your pastor/SL disapprove of the guy you are romancing now, what is your response? ...I posed it to her: If your cell leader said 'no', what would you do? Actually I know I would never say 'no' ... ultimately, it's your life, it's your choice, in matters of the heart. Just don't think with your ass. (Pastor C. said that, in a mandarin version.) Aiyah, which means you don't think at all, never use your brain before stumbling into a relationship...haha.

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The start of the synopsis of the story is similar to any of those touching, weepy Korean dramas, except that it was mine. My own true life story.

Boy meets girl at a church camp, Girl was 10 and Boy 2 years older. Boy was Sunday School teacher's boss' son - comes from a rich family - first time in this church camp. Both liked each other trememndously, and all through the week of the camp, they played a game of 'catch' with each other, just the two of them. They would find opportunities to talk while walking up and down staircases, while waiting for bath time, at meal times... all the while playing with each other. The camp ended, and both went back to their respective homes. But they found themselves thinking about each other, not realising that they had fallen in love for the first time.

Boy called the Girl on the (home) phone, and this started an ongoing conversation and decidedly sweet romance that lasted for about a year. After the camp, they had one group outing, but Girl could not go, and she was devastated that she could not meet him. He too, asked everyone about her during that trip. They exchanged christmas cards that year - His' was typewritten, claiming that his handwriting was untidy and incorrigible. They made plans, both wanted to go to NUS to study together...Girl wanted to study Law or Political Science - he would go to Junior College and later army, and then both would graduate at the same time, and get married, and have two kids after graduating.

Sadly, they lost touch after a year. His phone number was disconnected, the letters sent to his apartment returned, with the note 'No such resident'. It was as if he had disappeared, or simply moved house and forgot about her. Girl was distraught. Having no mutual friends, she could not ask anyone about him. Worse, the Sunday School teacher had left for another church. For some time, she searched for him, jumping at every chance to go out, hoping that she might one day bump into him. She looked in every car, hoping to catch a glimpse of the boy who had stolen her heart. But she never saw him, never knew where he had went.

Years went by and she had forgotten about him. By then, she grew up, and had many male suitors (Haha it's a bit exaggerated this part), and had some short relationships with guys, all with a high calibre, more than worthy to chase her. Subconsciously though, she never forgot her first love, and treated them badly, expecting them to pay for everything and then ending the relationship/s abruptly as she had vowed in the past, not to let another steal her heart. (This one, entirely true.)

More than 10 years went by...while talking idly to a church friend during a bus journey home, she realised he came from the same secondary school and eca(that time it was still called eca) as Boy. So, Girl asked tentatively if this church friend (that she had known for 2 years and never knew his secondary school...) knew Boy. Much to her amazement, he did! What's more, he gave her Boy's handphone number, and waved a cheerful goodbye before reaching his stop.

Girl gave Boy a call, nervously wondering how he would be like. Afterall, it has been 10 over years without seeing him. Would he remember her? As his first love? Amazingly, he did remember her well. They talked about life for a while. Girl realised he had pursued different routes too, choosing poly over JC, and now, almost ORD-ing from army, going to NTU. Girl too, embarked on design disciplines and went to study at LaSalle-SIA. How different life was. And all were inconsequential as they talked about the old times, church things... He was now at CHC. She was now at Trinity. Funny, how they both changed churches but remained christians.

After the phone conversation, Girl realised that there was no perfect ending to this tale. After the phone conversation, she realised Boy had changed, along with all the dear people in her life she knew. From her past memories of how Boy was - a gentle, sensitive soul with impeccable charm and good English, he became a Hokkien spouting, brash person. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he was still enlisted. Or maybe, since secondary school, his environment was a tough one. She knew that if she had met him, it would tarnish the lovely memories that she had, of her first love. So Girl decided to never meet him, again. Let their last meeting be during that camp, and that was that.

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If I had believed in romance, I would have tracked him down, somehow, and when we met, it would be... perfect. Perhaps we would be single, and end up together? I have no idea. Maybe one day we will really meet. Singapore is a small place. I wonder how he looks like now, but then again, I have no desire to know. Up till today, I can still remember his old phone number, his full name, his old apartment address. I guess, I have a good memory, but more than that, a redundant memory?! Its strange how I can remember some things and not others... perhaps my memory is selective in the things it wants to remember.

I think some people have never fallen in love, at all, and for them, I wonder how come. Maybe they have not 'met the right one' yet, or they are searching for the unattainable. In my short life, I have sincerely fallen in love twice. The third time I fall in love, I hope it will be a happy ending for me.

Categories: love, relationships, reminiscence

A lot to think about

Been reading about saddening things lately. Is it because I'm sad that sad things just look for me? Or that despite my unhappiness I can still feel sad, and even sadder at others' predicaments? Maybe it's just the world that I cannot keep up with - have I been living in my own utopia that I fail to see others' sadness, or even ridicule them for having emotions such as these?

Chanced upon a girl's blog who got pregnant by her then-boyfriend (who is an SAF merit scholar, humpf!) who mercilessly dumped her. It hits so close to home. In another lifetime, I could be her.

It's not fair that the mother has to carry the emotional, social and much of the financial burden of bringing up the child, while the father and his family try to bury this episode, keep it from family and friends and move on with their lives, as though this episode had never happened. I am sure that in 5, maximum 10 years, LX would marry a woman he loves and bring up wanted and happy children, providing them with all the love he can give and fulfill as much of their material wants as possible, while his first child has to bear the social stigma of coming from a single parent family, and unable to enjoy much material wants, because his/her mom can barely feed herself, him/her and her elderly parents.

And, tragically the suicide of a young schoolteacher. She's only 24. She had marital problems, and could not take it. And yes, she was a christian. The school tried to cover it up by saying it was heart failure. Even most of the staff were fooled. But those who suspected and knew about it, had their doubts.

Rest in peace, Ms Leong. You’ve been a good teacher. We will remember you always.

It hits so close to home. She will be replaced, by another teacher. And soon, the memories of her will fade, oblivious, into the distance, replaced by more current thoughts, by the latest exciting new happenings. It is always the ones left to mourn that bear the burden of their memories. Kai still talks about Yen's brother. It's been two years since he jumped from a newly-built condo. Does the time span matter? Is it healthy for him to talk about the memories as if they happened recently? I have no answers. And in view of these serious life and death matters, my small upset-ness seem almost trivial, almost laughable at the seriousness of such a small matter which hopefully will be settled this weekend.

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I am reminded by something that stuck in my mind recently, something about how Jesus sometimes picked out people in the crowd- those unlovely, prostitutes, tax collectors, and on purpose, chose to spend time with them, talk to them. These words have spoken to me so strongly. Last Saturday, after YAS, I saw one of my ex-cell members sitting alone at Adam food centre. He's now in Shiner's cell. Later, I chose to 'forsake' my disciples(current members) and decided to altogether skip dinner and concentrate on talking to him. He's someone that would be ostracised by-and-large; but not by me. I think some would misunderstand my actions, perhaps they would think I'm neglecting my cell, or only interested in talking to guys from Sheepy's section... but I hope that my small action of spending some time talking to him would impact him in a positive light. Hearing his troubles, I had little to say, but I knew he wanted to hear, something from me, something from Shiner that would stop him on the path of self-destruction and disillusionment. Before we left, I said twice, "Theo, you have a destiny in God."

I think Sheepy caught it, he glanced at me in approval when left, even though I was hoping only for approval from God. I'm not Jesus, nor am I trying to be one, but I am reminded by the difference that half-an-hour can make in someone's life. I guess I've really changed - I used to be 'social-butterfly-like', as Uncle Bern would say, fluttering from table to table saying hi. Well I do have many acquaintances. And I was afraid they would view me as unfriendly.

But now, I aim to be more sincere, to find someone to know better, someone's life to speak into, a connection with some people that could never be established with a friendly 'hi'-and-nothing-else-to-say.

The feeling of falling asleep crying

The feeling of falling asleep crying and then waking up is just miserable - I don't want to go back to sleep, I don't want to feel so 'down'... Deep inside I don't believe that this friendship can be restored. Perhaps all along I've adopted the escapist mentality "Just pretend everything is alright." And you know too, that it's not. Just waiting to see my initiatives.

So many articles, books, telling me about conflict management, mediations... Now it's my own one... so how? I am clueless, it feels so ridiculous having some wise person sitting in our problems and spouting some wise advice... I'd much rather talk privately... but at the same time, I know it would not resolve anything as he'd still stick to his guns... I wish he didn't, I'd love him more if he was not so chauvinist, so traditional-minded that he has to defend his 'inactions', which is totally his fault, by the way. Even Frankie agrees that he should come out and apologize, sincerely.

I don't think I can choose being close to one and not the other. I don't want to. I'm still upset. Overwhelmingly so. I'm afraid I'd burst into tears at the meeting up, which would not help one single bit, and make him feel somehow guilty... I don't understand my volatile emotions, I don't give serious thoughts to them. I'm just somehow puzzled that I will feel so... And wish for someone to tell me exactly what they mean.


God can you send me a friend who will just understand me, somehow?

Being in this situation makes me realise how helpful it would be to have someone, on my side, who's looking out for me, and will support me, lend me a shoulder to cry on, be practical, wipe away the idiotic tears and let me handle my problems myself. Someone, whom I'm waiting for.

I want to solve this as soon as possible. Crying is tiring... I wonder how those Korean actresses get paid... it's unutterably tiring and does horrors to my eyes.

Exasperation time with Travis

Been praying for a chance to 'trash things out' with Travis before it turns into resentment or I stop talking to him altogether... I really couldn't take it if I remained silent and sullen, so unlike me... at the same time I worry whether I'm over reacting or should I just ignore my upset-ness... I don't want my feelings to be validated by his apologies, which I know he will, once I bring the issue up. So I did the wisest thing, after trying for the whole day to grab him into a corner which I can't, really. I called him, and told him straightforwardly, "I'm upset with you." And I couldn't say what about 'cuz there's so many little exasperations and idiosyncracies that just makes me so so frustrated, and trying to explain them makes me even more exasperated that I just said, I only called to tell you I'm upset, that's it... ... which at the point he asked the reasons for my upset-ness so that he could improve himself, but I was really... upset, so I just said that that's it lar, I don't care what you do about it, and I'm not asking for an apology, I just wanted to tell you I'm upset that's all.

I'm not so selfish as to want him to change to make me happy. I don't want him to change for me. I'd rather change myself, adapt to the way he is 'cuz I totally understand his rationale for doing things, just that I don't buy into it, and I would never be insincere in doing things, no matter what... The way we view life is totally different and just talking to him, I can wring his neck... or start yelling... haizzzz... Thing is I care, I care too much... and perhaps both of us have the escapist mentality, trying to be nice, knowing but not really understanding. He's as stubborn as me... I think secretly I admire it, 'cuz I'm really standing my ground too.

In the end (Or perhaps it's the beginning) we decided to have a time to meet to really talk it out. That's quite nice of him, although I'm really really skeptical about how 'open' he is.... he still thinks I'm too sensitive (Although he apologized for saying that) and yes, we used the words 'You always....' and 'It's all your fault' in the short conversation, tsk tsk. And he said he'll pray about it...I mean, I do pray about it too. So much, 'cuz I care.

Actually I felt quite sad that I had to bring it up, but I'm even sadder if this friendship were to disintegrate, that we'd just drift apart because of our unique-and -unfortunately-clashing differences... sorry that I feel like this, but I really really feel like this! URRR! Sniff.

In the silences between sentences

::Poem, copyright mine::


Nothing to say
Hiding behind veiled smiles
And polite greetings
And clumsy attempts at initiating warmth
I struggle within
To find the real person
Someone I like
Someone I know
A person who knows me, too.

Needing a chance to let you hear me
A moment for a little conversation
Happiness defined in a single instant
Newfound joy at small pleasures,
And immediate answers.

In the silences between sentences,
I look into the sky
And catch a glimpse of your smile.

It remind me of a hand behind the scenes
It reassures me
That when everything fails,
When there’s nothing else to be said,

I can still hear the words that mean everything.


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Many times when I'm praying to God I wonder whether my mumblings actually effect anything on earth - most of the things I pray about are those that need long-term visionary skills... However I have prayed about the small things, too, and God has been amazingly good in bringing them to pass instantaneously. I have increased faith, and a smile on my face as He gives over and above the things I've asked for -my wants, my desires. Everything in His time.

Categories: poetry,

all together now... captured with smiles 

Knowing Me, Knowing You. Committee! 

After one night of an illicit copulation...

Had very, very mixed feelings yesterday.

Mum told me the good/bad? news.

Mitten is a new father.

One month ago, lil bro secretly put Mitten in the ladies' cage. For a night. Found out the next afternoon when I was chirping for them and only Misty came out, then realised that Mitten was not in the cage. Had 5 minutes of paralyzing fear when I thought that he was mauled by Meme. He peeked out of the ladies' cage... And all was well.

Didn't know Mitten was... ummm, sexually mature yet. He's soooo small, it's like a teenage pregnancy/birth and as a single mother of sorts, I feel slightly guilty. I should have taught him better, educated him about abstinence and ... consequences of copulating. At the same time, I'm really proud of the kiddo 'cuz the lady produced 6 hamlets - actually 7, one was a stillbirth. 6 small, red squirming hamlets (hamsterlets? hamsterlings? urh.) Hope they look like the father 'cuz he's so handsome... Ah... Asked Shiner if he wanted some in his hall, he gave me a half shocked, half disgusted look and giggled and said it was too troublesome. Was still reeling from the shock last evening after I got home from Adam but now, I guess I look forward to watching them grow up from small, furless, red, peanut-sized, hamlets.

Something else to occupy my mind

When God speaks, He speaks.

And I'm not a terrific listener so He'd have to repeat the message again; over and over, until I get it.

Mmmm.

I've realised that I'm always occupied with something - mentally, I have to keep my mind running on numerous deep thoughts; on the road, I have to plug in music and drift away half of my senses on the sounds. There's not really a moment of silence, a moment of peace. And I pray, but I realise too that I've been investing too much of my prayers into other preoccupations rather than my ministry. Nothing wrong with that, but they are not my priorities right now. I shall challenege myself to pray like 70% (if it can be quantified) for cell and members, and maybe the rest on my personal prayer needs. I'm still unquenchably happy, this is just an area which I feel God is moving me to improve on for now.

Also, He spoke to me, about the 'abandonment of my preoccupations'. It's tough, this one. Told my prayer buddy yesterday - to pray over this area for the next two weeks or so.

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FOP was great, I was overwhelmed at the fact that there were 13,000 of us worshipping God together at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Yes, it was crowded, hot and stuffy, there was pushing and cutting queue...some of my friends couldn't get in... but, the presence of God was there from the first song.

Ulp?

Ulp.

Still have many many many things to do for 'Knowing Me, Knowing You." Help! Aye I'd better get some people to help me out here... On saturday, see who's free to do some banner- and sign- making. Mailbox surprisngly full cuz I received over 10 emails with the red '!' sign, which probably means that it's important for me to ACT UPON... Hahaha by tuesday anyways. Hope my monday is a loooong one.

My biscuits are finishing. The rainy weather makes me hungry... Very hungry. Well, they lasted quite long... thinking of bringing some cookies to share with the famished in the FOP queue tomorrow. Or perhaps I'd just distribute muesli bars. I have an inner raving hillsong fanatic. But I guess I'd just queue quietly. Should be optimistic, maybe there isn't even a queue, and miraculously we can all get to sit together!

Realised something today, that if I click on the green 'start' button on my desktop (computer la), and go to 'all programs', go to 'accessories', go to 'system tools', there is a scroll list where, amongst the many commands, I can select "Character Map"... and once clicked, a list of black and white symbols beckon, some familiar, some looking like nondescript squiggles, indistinguishable from the next squiggle... Was thinking, how great it would be if all of us were like computers - I mean, this part where we can just click on 'Character Map', and then the 'answer' just pops up and we can view each other's characters, instead of taking a whole lifetime to discover it, to discover our own. Maybe I'd choose to 'hide' mine, there are so many people outr there with a better 'character map' than mine - I'm increasingly sarcastic and think evil thoughts at times, accompanied with the evil laughter. Wouldn't say I'm selfish, but I should criticise less and encourage more. Flipped through 'Boundaries in Dating', it told me that it's 'not advisable' to date liars. Well, of course. Then they noted down some lying thoughts I'm guilty of - about being with someone in the past, about the past, about things that happened... goes on to say that there are two kinds of liars, one is those 'no hope liao', despicably self centred types, the other is one that has a heart but needs some character improvement, probably 'cuz they haven't had any good role models or not mature in this area. And I was thinking, aye, that's me. And I suffer, for being so analytical, too analytical of myself.

Ultimate Prayer Generator

As long as there is faith, we should never doubt the power of prayer. Even in the little insignificant things that you think don't really matter to God or to anyone else.

Power Weekend - just over with a wonderful ministry by Rev Che Ahn; "Crossing Over to the Other Side" - served at the altar, such a privilege to see up close the healings and salvations. My cell member happily reported to me that on Sunday, her mother's back pain (due to work conditions) was miraculously gone. Her mother also knew that it was the work of God, as Fifi shared with her about Power Weekend. I rejoice along with her, it is all the more meaningful to me as we prayed together about it during cell last tuesday. It became a personal victory for me, too! Fifi has herself undergone trials of faith, being diagnosed with thyroidism a few years back. Just seeing her faith level rising because of God's gracious answer sends me into bursts of joy.

Was just thinking how nice it would be if there is some sort of user-friendly device where we can input our secret prayer requests and there would be a team praying constantly, round-the-clock for every lil request. Sheepy shared that he had his core group guys to cover him in prayer every day of the week - one guy taking one day. Quite an ingenious idea, but I told him that those who are committed to praying for me has to have a greater discipline - they must pray for me, everyday. Hoho. I could do with a few more though, realised that sometimes I don't share enough of my prayer requests, as a result they take a longer time to see fulfilment. So, Rachel's potential prayer buddy, pls sign up here... ...

Even though God has answered many of my personal prayer requests, I recently wondered whether some of my prayers were futile. Last year while in Alpha Track, I prayed everyday for three months, for Kenny - He was a new believer who became a companion of sorts. And he seemed to flourish, attended prayer meetings and such regularly. Even shared that he took one hour to read the Bible daily - something which even I cannot do. However, he took a sudden turn into disappearing and once he was gone, I thought that he would never come back. His priorities was not with God. My faith faltered a bit, and even though I would sms him periodically about church, I never prayed for him after that. Perhaps I felt it was a waste of time. Perhaps I was just too disappointed, having invested too much time and energy. It's harder to see personal friends backsliding, more so than cell members, for me.

But a year later, exactly last week, he came; for the first time in a year, to the 5pm service.

God works miracles, indeed. When I saw him, it was as if God was chiding me, that although I could not see the physical fulfilment of SOME of my prayers now, being faithful in intercession is something I cannot give up.

Made it a point that when I said to people "I'll keep you in prayer", I really will remember to write it down and pray. (But they also never feedback to me whether the prayer is answered or not, perhaps I need to ask them again.)


And personally, I'm still believing for many many things.

For my friends who are overseas, that God will sustain them.

For my friends who are wanting to be attached, and then married, (that they will stop pressurizing me into it too! Haha!)that they will find God's best to settle down with them, soon.

For people that need healing from their sickness.

For my backslidden friends... hopefully they will commit themselves to a Trinity cell again.

For myself, all I want is to be happy, to be a good cell leader, to fulfil my destiny... and a thousand other small requests...