No revelation, no crossover

The word "consecration" literally means "setting apart." - wikipedia

I am personally convicted to commit ALL plans to God.
Have received prophetic words that this is a year of 'double portion'. Recently, been asking myself what does the 'crossover and takeover' mean to me? And I realised that it's scary if we are not living aligned to God, if we are not having a revelation from God - then, we cannot crossover! I hope that being a person of influence I am able to move people along with me. Also, I want to hear from God. This year will be really different, there are so many things waiting for me to do.

Reminded that I am going to be a turnaround leader. Have once said that I'm going to be the BEST cell leader East district has ever seen. Not in terms of numbers or spiritually, just that, at the end of the day I know I've done my best. There are still so many areas to learn, and there has been so many learning points for me last year that this year, it's just going to be impartation, and blessing others. Transforming lives!

________________________________

Max Lucado has this amazing ability to write in a way to make me see things in a light I've never seen before, and to wring my emotions so that I never forget what I've seen.

A cloak of love. I've never really saw Love as 'protecting' before. Love always protects. And I've realised why I'm so attracted to Grasshopper. Like no other.

He gives. And keeps giving and giving.

When I was sad and tired, he offered me a listening ear, and helpful advice.
He gave me multivitamins - and was so concerned over my long illness.
He gave me design work and paid for it too. And bought me a book that he thought I might be interested to read. Most of all, he gave me time. Even though he's busy. Even though I was moody. And not good company. Like no other.

And despite all the questions this friendship has left unanswered, I'm touched. Touched by his compassion, his desire to help me, his sincerity in asking about me and wanting to know more about what is happening in my life.

I can never give and give with so much intensity. I do not have anything to offer him. I can only pray. And everyday, I will. Pray for a revelation.

=) Someone called me today, I'm shortlisted in a lucky draw for a car. 1 out of 500 chance. Was just thinking what I'd do with it. Learn driving? Sell the car? Give it away? It's fun to fantasize!

Kie and cell

Happy birthday Mr Lee.


Crazy day, celebrated Kie's birthday by shopping at Mustafa's till late, really really late. I'm amazed we could stay out till 5am... Really can do this only when we're young! Bought him sweetcakes Indian type... instead of the usual creamed affairs. The small, custard sized cakes tasted rather nice with melt-in-your-mouth swirls of milky nodules and pistachios in between.

We interrogated him with questions about what he wished for and what he looked for in a woman. I think I will always remember his answer.

It's funny now that we are multiplying, I realised Kie's good qualities and actually begin to develop a deep respect for him. Despite being saved not too long ago, his indepth sharing which touches many lives, during cell sessions, really inspires me, and the rest. God has been so real to him and he has always said that he couldn't imagine he could be where he is right now, as a cell leader, so quickly. I've come to depend on him for emotional support during the times when as a singular leader I felt lost and discouraged. He is one person you can complain for hours to. Maximum - 2 hours.

I remember after service I would always be the last one driven home, and if I wanted to 'pour out', he would gently reverse his car into an empty lot facing my block. Sometimes he is really strict with me, in a strange reversal of roles, and I respect him for being so teachable and really honoring women, always supporting me since Day 1. He will definitely be a better leader than me when I first started out. I would love to play a supportive role with him as my leader and I the assistant!

But he too, is never reluctant to let me lead, in fact he relishes hearing from me too. I'm humbled. Appreciate him for that, for always encouraging me, never questioning my authority even though sometimes I can be quite...irritating.

We really make a good team.

Sounds disgustingly emotional, but I will feel so much like crying when he leaves (Actually I'm the one who is leaving.) I'm really hungry for multiplication, its like a pregnant woman waiting to give birth feeling, just waiting rather anxiously. At the same time, I will miss the people I barely got to know better. Nobody expected such a short time together - but I hope that when we are apart, we can remember the good times we spent. Serangoon117 cell - planted with two people, September 2005. Merged with some people, renamed Sunnydale - February 2005. SD1 and SD2, my babies - multiply February 2006. Made history by being the fastest cell to grow from 2 to multiplication stage(around 20 people now), in the East district. God is behind all this. God is always with us. Always.

Cold

::poem, copyright mine::


Aching eyes that see
Visions of what should be
But isn’t. Is not there, does not matter
Realise when you trace your fingers
Upon the roughness of the stone-etched surface
The mystery of the soul
The irresistible power
Of desire
Of a person that can cause you
So much pain and suffering
Yet
You love him
In ways so deep you cannot even understand
I thought I caught
A glimpse of him in that blue shirt
But it wasn’t
Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be
Beyond imagination
Through the threshold between illusion and reality
Grasping the warmth between the covers
Invigorating emotions pulse through my soul
Still running from what is real
Still wanting to be a part of
What is you and me
Not knowing though
The meaning of my fleeting thoughts
The symbology of my nighttime illusions
You call me
Again
Or am I calling you too?

Expiry date

Sometimes seeing familiar faces again after a long period of absence, having suffering and pain as your only companions, makes you want to hug them. Or at least touch them, pat their faces, their shoulders to see if they really exist. And to see if they're still the same. Yes.

I shall hug people more often this year.

I love my friends.

It was fun just meeting them after a long hiatus. How I wish I had more time to spend with them, individually. That the keepable friendships will last beyond proverbial gossips.

There is no expiry date to friendships, right? I think its' destiny is more left to chance though, and circumstances, than choice.

I actually said meanly to a dear friend that our friendship is going to expire on 'this-date-this-year'. At that point of time, I have no idea why I said that. Perhaps six months ago I had a premonition that this friendship is seasonal. I wanted to care, but maybe I've lost that ability. After that, I repeated what I said, on and off. It became some sort of a joke, but deep down inside, I really think that it will happen.

Then, little signs of what is going to happen are taking place right now.

Some friendships I want to see happening isn't, so I'm not waiting with bated breath to see if it does take place. Maybe I'm leaving everything to the hands of God. Maybe, I'm just not as patient or persistent enough. It does matter to me. I treasure them. The small but still deeply felt impact of their words on my life. How can I give them up?

How I wish that there is a world where our thoughts could be read, sometimes, the nice ones, by the people we want to read them. Then we could read theirs back and know what they think, what they feel about us. But for us right now, we have to press on. In wanting to know people, not just anyone, but deep down, instinctively searching for a soul mate.

I wanted to get to know Turtle better for a long time already, but we just didn't have the convienience of time or situation to propel us together. Happily, through Travis we met, and actually hit it off quite well. Travis is responsible for a lot of the good things in my life. He's like someone you can take for granted to listen to you when you call, to complain to, to wait for him to call on you.

So much like Jesus.


And for all my life, I have unintentionally taken advantage of these meek people.

I have pushed them around, ordered them to do stuff for me, knowing they humbly will, rejoiced together at my victories, and updated them with my life stories. They always remember to ask, "How's everything?"

Only sometimes we forget to ask back.

Does our callousness imply a lack of love? Perhaps, its more of selfishness. All of me and less of him. We want to be heard, to be appreciated, to talk, more than listen.

But I love you, too.

I shall listen to him and not talk tomorrow.

Memo

Random thoughts. Brain's still not fully functioning.

It's worse today. Bad headache - I thought the earache pain was bad enough, but this one is splitting, throbbing... I couldn't sleep.

The headache was brought on by the dry cough.

The cold weather makes it worse. But I like the rain though, surprisingly non-depressing.

Watched another HongKong movie today. In chinese, starring Leon Lai and Faye Wong. Very boring. Not superb acting, same-old-same-old lovers plot.

I wondered today if I had six months left to live, what would I do.

I thought for a really long time and couldn't come up with anything.

Maybe my mind's slow because of the headache, or there isn't anything I could realistically achieve in this short time frame with ill health.

Grass called today.

He called my house, also.

He just touched down.

I was asleep (trying to sleep despite the headache). Heard the phone ring, Dad picked it up.

I didn't call back(yet). Don't have the energy to think of what to say.

I'm going to write a story.(Inspired by HongKong lover movies.)

Not Shiner's fault that I'm sick.

I want to go back to work. I want to go Robinson's sale.(Not really.) I want to go for a walk.

I want to breathe in the fresh breeze.

Lost 2 kg to Mr Cough and Ms Sore-Throat. I still eat. A lot, in fact. A lot of porridge. Haha.

While you were away...

I've just lost 2 kg battling influenza.

Yes, that's the common flu. Thought gastroenteritis was bad, this flu's even worse. Gross details like my nose running, until a small blood vessel burst not once but a few times, ruining the pure transparent color, I shall not go into. The worst thing is that my brain takes a holiday and I cannot think coherent, logical thoughts nor summon the energy to go further. Been a week already, I do feel better although still really aching. Can't do much at home, initially even sitting up surfing is too exhaustative, so I just watched dvds non-stop, till I had strange dreams dubbed in cantonese(too many hongkong movies!) Golden Chicken 2 was a pleasantly nice show though, I like the way they portrayed their nationalistic views yet being very down-to-earth. Comedic too, Sandra Ng is superb. And of course the many love dramas starring Louis Koo, Gigi Leung and someone else. Why always they two together. Though I must say one can never tire of seeing him in those oxford blue shirts with checked vest and slightly nerdy lover look, with thick black glasses to match. Every HongKong girl's dream perhaps.

Realised I've been sick more days than well (In December). Hope for a healthier January although I've greeted the new year with mucus and phelgm (are they not the same thing?)

Caught a glimpse of my "August-mistake loser-guy" on Friday. He looks different. Never was handsome, but now sort of cool. I hope he has forgotten me. I forgot about him until I saw him again. And then my mind realised why I made the January-mistake with the other guy. It was because of him.

One day young ones, I will write about all my mistakes and loser-guys. The world will be much wiser. Hopefully. Till then, I shall find a hongkong movie dvd to watch...

One thing I'm really thankful for this year

Covenantal friendships.


In cell, we shared about "What is/are the best thing/s that happened to you this year?"

I choked up when some of my members replied sincerely that the best thing that happened to them this year, was joining this cell.

And that statement, for me, is enough to encourage me to continue being a cell leader.

Yes, there are many times when I wanted to give up. When I was sick of all the politics and the co-ordination. When I felt that serving in certain areas had no impact. When you see loved ones wandering away from the faith, and becoming disillusioned. When I felt that I had no support, or that no one really understands what I'm facing.

But knowing that someone out there thinks that the best thing that happened to them this year was joining this cell, I'm really blown away.

Touched by God's hand again, knowing that He has a plan for my ministry even though sometimes things seem futile.

You know, that was the best thing that happened to me this year, too.

I'm pleasantly surprised to find out that covenantal friendships still exist today. It's strange, how Travis and Shiner became close to me. Perhaps, we were looking for someone to share our lives with. Or maybe, God just led us to each other.

Many happy moments were shared with them this year. I will never forget the time when Travis looked out for me (and Kie) and invited us to join his cell for supper everytime. Travis, you don't know how touched I was by this gesture - being alone in a big community is not a nice feeling to have. But, somehow you saw with compassionate eyes, the need. Your genuine gesture of friendship really touched my heart; and because you looked out for me, I started looking out for others, too. The impact of your love on my life will be felt, for a long time.

And Shiner, I'm forgetful I know, but hey, you are so willing to go all out to be there for me, even others around us cannot see what we have, and think sardonically of a covenantal friendship that is so pure, so genuine - you've seen me through failed relationships and down times - I remember the times at the playground at night when you were just there to offer a listening ear. You've seen me at my best and worst, a friendship that blossomed out of convienience as we lived close by - thanks for being there for me.

Knowing these people makes me want to be a better person, a better friend.

I've always dreamed of love, of a better place where pain, and suffering does not exist.


Maybe, I've already found that place - even though pain and suffering exists, and we all all affected by it, the covenantal friendships that arise makes the love seem immeasurable to the pain we all have endured.

At the Xmas party with my girls

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Sometimes God draws away from us

Sometimes GOD draws away from us so that... ...?

...So that, I realise how strong(or how weak) my faith in Him really is.

...So that, I have a revelation of God's love for me in the times I have taken Him for granted.

...

I've realised that with Travis' and Shiner's encouragements I can strengthen my resolve. This is a real test for me because I am really affected by it. Because, I really care. And people don't understand or even try to understand. They just anticipate things that are going to happen, and just offer unsinpired words of advice that will, often, fall on deaf ears. Because they don't care.

Do I really trust God?

To provide, for all I've desired.

I thought my answer was yes.

Perhaps it's not God who draws away, it's me.

I want to live my life for once.

This is a REAL test and it hasn't even started yet! I am sad to report that it is another one, to see if I am really ready to settle down. The last test was not good. But I'm preparing myself to be ready, I am. I know what I want - and what I don't want. Wish Life could be simpler. Destest those who spread false allegations, and malicious thoughts. Just shows how shallow their thinking is. They are cursed with a juvenile mentality.

I fear I will not run away from temptation.

Hope I find that my character is not so weak after all.

Punchinello's Christmas

I like you,
I love you,
We all agree...
Without you (Jesus)
There'd be no me.

-'Punchinello and the most marvelous gift', by Max Lucado.

Different things touch different people.

These days, I'm touched by a book cover - or rather, receiving this book has personal emotions for me.

I cried watching a children's story dvd in church.

I cried when Aslan died. (Want to go buy the book tomorrow. Read Narnia - not in entirety though...read it when I was a kid, was wonderfully fascinated by it. Love the witch.) Did anyone notice that the witch was wearing Aslan's mane in the last war scene, to hide the fact that she was 'melting' - as she loses her power, her icicles-crown get shorter and has a less icy look too. Also the last scene where there was this animal with the mustache. Which was drawn on my Edmond by charcoal when he first entered the icy palace. I really like the faun and the centaur, too. A good depiction of the whole book, in general.

Really happy that my members together brought a total of 18 oikos to "The Inn". (Aside, the songs are ringing in mine and my members' head. Too catchy! And perhaps we sat too close to the front, could remember the actions to the dancing as well!) I'm proud of them, knowing that they value evangelism as much as I do. It's simply amazing to see 'happy problems' like, not enough seats, we have to come early so that we can get places, the people want to hang out after service just to have a drink and chat. I really sense that this season is going to be a really good time for us. It touches my heart when my people remember encouraging things that I've shared and said to them, and apply it to their lives, and share them with other people.

It shows that sometimes all we need is a little faith. Add hope. And love, just right for this season.

Attractive?

Unremembering.

Sudden remembrances of nice things in the past done for me - or perhaps I have memory lapses, or meeting too many people nowadays suddeny trigger off my memories of other people. People remind me of people and how much I miss them. I think Grass reminds me of a boy I once loved very much, that is why, I care so much for him too. I tend to forget why I care for people, or what they have done for me, even forgetting about their existence altogther until meeting them by chance again.

Or meeting other people who remind me of them, then I get emotionally attached to these people because they are so much like the other people.

I think I get emotionally attached to other people easily. (Then again I also get emotionally detached easily.) Even meeting new people, some of them would just linger in my mind and I'd wonder about them, their thought processes, do they really mean what they say, and what does the look in their eyes mean...? How do they perceive me as, and why do I care about that? What sort of people do they like, and why? It's quite fun really... a new friend I met(Weeky) who had that look in his eyes, a wistful look that I could identify with, emailed me today. Unexpected, and a really sweet gesture coming from him! Well it could be a purely commercial communication, but I think we'd hit it off as friends - people who are attracted to each other, but only in the platonic sense.

Hope to see Weeky again, and share more, when he comes down to our island soon.

Been wondering about what attracts other people to some people and not to the rest - the everlasting debate about whether opposites attract and so on... I have some theories about this...which I actually believe in aye...Firstly, we will always know when we are attractive to the people who find us attractive. I think it's the body language and something that we emit, that actually communicates it to that effect. That is why we are so comfortable with our friends, we know they love us...And usually, the people we find attractive would also find us attractive. Explains how come I have so many handsome guy friends, hahaha...

For the non-platonic type of attraction, I think I'm still quite clueless about this, haha. I cannot tell, and I'm often wrong. My radar is totally not working. My sensings are totally off... But lately I think that I should be more aware though. I shall be more sensitive. But not over sensitive. I mean, people are attracted to you(or not), so what? It doesn't really matter. Of what good can it bring? Sometimes I think, it brings more troubles.

I get traumatised people just pass remarks that, "Oh, I thought Mr X was your prospective boyfriend" - or worse, think that I'm already married to Kie - gosh, I'm so traumatised by that! Told Kie to keep a distance from me lest I get left on the shelf. But talking to people recently I learn that many of them thought I had something going on with one of my handsome close friends or the other. Perhaps I have not been very forthcoming in sharing about my dalliances and romances.

I do wonder though that whether some people's behaviour towards me are just because they are like that, or because they are attracted to me. Guys, its obvious. It's the eye contact - how you are looking at the person - or how you glance at the person briefly then look away guiltily... or you look at the person searchingly...or pretend not to look. Me, I've observed many a guy/gal looking at my friends in this way. So, I always know who finds the people I'm close with attractive, even though they might never admit to it.

Random conversations shows how people really are like

Conversations.

Been having many conversations with many different people from all walks of life - some are really simple, some have already attained success...some just really special people.

And this season, instead of being the one that is - the life of the conversation, I think I prefer quietly observing now, different people and the way they react to different people, the way they talk corresponding with their actions. Learnt a lot this way...It's actually hard to analyse objectively without being judgemental - yet the more I observe, the more I see people's needs, how they really are like and how I'd like to help them.

It's the same everywhere, you know - just that perhaps the needs are just different. Whether talking about people they like, their career, or just waxing random philosophical thoughts.

And sometimes I don't want to talk because all these things don't matter to me... these are so inconsequential, meaningless, futile. It leads nowhere, thinking about these are pointless, isn't it... What is the point of talking about people you like but never really telling them?

I think conversations between christians should always be about God. Always. Perhaps it's with a form of spiritual pride when I say this, but seeing the way my cell members have conversations, I'm really proud of them! I hope that I can always find a community of believers where I can share deeply with. Few understand. Those that do, I keep close to my heart.

God has been ministering to me so much through songs, through the things I've been doing. It's amazing how I can listen to a song I've listened to a hundred times before, and just cry inside. I know this storm will only strengthen my resolve in Him, I know that I'm going to be the best cell leader I ever can be, this time round. And also really work hard in my job and see godly results. So that I'd have enough money to go on more humanitarian trips.

Can I live everyday soaked in His Presence, please ...and not face up to the realities of life?

At Alley bar

You raised me up, so I can stand on mountains.
You raised me up, to walk on the stormy seas.

You raised me up, to more than I can be.

I want to go back to Aceh again. Talking about it with so many people just makes me miss the place so so much. Knowing thousands of people still in homeless shelters and tentages, makes all the Christmas commercialism seem so insipid to me.

I will go to Indon again soon. And Vanuatu. Next year. I will make plans to build another house.


I'm upset.

He antagonizes me, so much... yet I smile at the kindness of his words remembered, the sincere concern he has for me. Why am I affected by the way he thinks, the things he says? Do I let it affect me because I care not only for his soul but for his entire well-being, more than I would care to admit? Because he first cared for me... and I am just doing it as a reciprocative action, or just because we are two lonely people in Singapore who found someone who really wants to spend quantity time with them? Yet knowing that this would not last, I cling on to the little time we have together?

I'm going crazy. I know I can never be really happy with him, yet I keep thinking about him. He just pops up in my mind...Even in Aceh. When I thought I've left him far, far away. Which makes me even more guarded, moody and antagonistic while I'm with him. So many things between us left unsaid and no one really wanting to know, wanting to say anything because nothing really matters, not to the people around, not to us, because we are beyond what is real, only the feelings felt within. I will never admit to what goes on in my mind, because I don't want it to become a reality, to become another mistake, another thing done that brings me momentary happiness and incredible pain.This time, there's too much at stake. Peoples' lives. Yet I want to live for myself, for the moment, just for a time I long for something that will make me very happy deep inside my heart.

I'm upsetting myself. My thoughts upset me, probably because I cannot reconcile them to my heart. Or what I say doesn't really matter because I don't think that way and it's terribly obvious. No one really knows anyone really well. But everyone wants someone to really know them, or at least, try their best to understand without being judgemental. Met a new friend today, recognized the look in his eyes as one which I used to have, too. Encouraged him with sincere words which I honestly felt. Love is a very powerful feeling. Strengthened just by the thought of a person, even though miles separate. Had a table-discussion on love today. Somehow, I knew what he was going to say. I shouldn't care, but I did. I told our party of five that what everyone needs is someone who loves them for who they are, and who brings out the best in them. That's enough. They agreed, with the nodding of heads and an understanding look in their eyes. Even if the person doesn't suit your criteria that you paste on your wall, so what? You're so blessed because you've found someone that loves you.

And that's enough for me.

Gifts of love

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore and...

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

-Love, Nat King Cole


Ever wondered where did the tradition of 'kissing under the mistletoe' orginate from? Or why are Christmas trees a must-have in any home to bring out the spirit of the season? Or, which country has the most holidays??? ...Well, for "A Sunnydale Christmas", I will try to find out and hopefully as we celebrate Christmas, we will know the answers to these trivia, and most importantly of all, the reason for the season.

Going to give really meaningful gifts these year. Not store-bought, these are created by me, useful for all-year-round... I hope that it is as meaningful for the receivers as it is for the giver. Knowing that they will appreciate these gifts, that it will be a source of inspiration and hope for them through their journey in life means so much to me.

It's been a tradition to write cards every year. More than just a message, I really pen down heartfelt words - of what we have experienced through the year, things that I've always wanted to say, but never really had the opportunity to.

It's the season of giving. Giving of gifts to those we treasure, giving of hearts to those we love, giving our lives to the One in whose Name we trust, the one who is called "Immanuel".

God will be with us in this season.

The house we built!

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Self automated cement mixer

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Ship on house, an unusual sight

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Almost surreal backdrop

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Lollipops

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

A tragic sense of life

"Yea, I really believe that we have to step out of our comfort zone of modern life - along with all it's exigencies and vicissitudes - to be able to grasp a little better what life is all about.
I say grasp a little better cos, really, we'll never really comprehend it.

But stuff like my mission trip to camerons definitely helped give me a larger sense of purpose, rather than just the i, me, myself attitude that i'm engulfed in everyday. Quoting a preacher i once heard, we all need - to some extent - "a tragic sense of life," lest we lack emotional depth. "

-wise words emailed to me from Chester, when I shared to him about the Aceh trip.

It's my turn to be sick, gastroenritis caught from some contaminated water I drank out of Shiner's bottle when we landed at Changi. How silly, but I was ignorant of the fact that it was water-borne.

Vomited some green bitter fluid from my ... gall... this morning. Yuk yuk yuk. Now I know why they say as bitter as gall. Really tastes bad, I cannot believe this thing is expiating from my mouth...

Bouts of feeling really okay(Okay enough to go to East day camp for half a day yesterday) and then lapsing into sheer tiredness because of losing fluids... I can safely say that this is the second time in the year I've been really sick...And I'm going to be really thin. Thin, dark(from the Indon sun) and muscular(from the sand shovelling) haha! Havinh some slight apprehensions about eating anything 'rich' although the florentine chocs in the fridge looks tempting. I can only digest the wonderful 7-eleven's mashed potato and some porridge soup. Plus been ingesting a lot of apple juice, the only thing palatable to me.

The sky makes me feel small.

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Trip to Banda Aceh - Reflection 02

Reflections about Love, Life and Death.

Simple Love.

Just really overjoyed to be going to Banda Aceh on this trip (It's the last, until further notice) - I never really thought about how much my life was going to be impacted by it.

Well, many eventful things on the way made me realise several things about myself.

That I care a lot for the people I care a lot for. (Well, that I care, more than I realise or want to know that I do...)

That I don't really know what to do in times of emergency except to pass on information and try to remain calm.

That when I'm really traumatised I just need to hold on to someone and not talk to anyone.

When faced with the grim realities of death, I shudder to accept it calmly. Even the thought of it - affecting the ones around me, I fail to comprehend the reality of the emotional turmoil that would just churn up. For a moment; just a moment when I thought that Travis - was dead - he looked like dead... and I just choked up, unable to move, unable to think, wanted to stay there until he revives...But I had to catch my flight. I guess seeing your deceased loved one for the last time, brings a sense of closure in a way, your mind just needs to reassure yourself that the person is gone, forever... (Travis is fine now although I've not seen him yet, hope to soon!) I can imagine why the tsunami victims that are alive can still bear to search through the dead bodies, staring at the empty, ravaged faces, one by one. For one last time, to see their loved one. Perhaps death has never hit so close to home - I am bouyed by a sort of hopeful bubble that death will not easily hit close to home. Perhaps that is why people who have had faced death early in life are better conditioned to take such trauma. Even through my darkest and bitterest moments, I never thought of death as a way to end it all. Perhaps in my utopia, death does not need to exist. But having seen Mr BestFriend's gf's suicide and being in Aceh, with the devastation all around, I think I've seen a bit more of the world.

____________________________

In Aceh (and as well as in many other villages in the world I presume), one just needs to be of age, have a need, want to start a family, find a wife, bear children... and the cycle goes on. I don't understand how it can be so simple for these people... Then again, shouldn't it be the case? I believe that after the tsunami, those whose spouses are dead, are encouraged to find another woman, to look after their children, to find a helpmate. Simple love has its simple pleasures. I don't think I can understand that, ever. To love me, a man must know my soul.

As usual, the girls were having girl-talk in the girls' room at night, and as usual, some well-meaning souls will try to advise me on what they think I'm oblivious to...That I should consider so and so... or so and so is better, looks compatible for me. Me, usually want to avoid this topic because maybe it's not something that I and unduly concerned about(not yet, at least.) I actually said that they are all my good friends and I was not on this trip to find a soul-mate, nor would I even envision myself to be making out passionately (seriously!) with any of my good friends, so, forget it. Besides, I'm still young and... blah blah, yea, I know, all the usual excuses which the well-meaning and wise ladies would probably refute with chidings and encouragements - Still young?: you must start to find now, wait until our age, very difficult to find one that's still single and available. Good friends?:it always starts from being good friends what, look at so-and-so, etc etc...Not your type?:Opposites attract, the differences are good...

My last last excuse would be that I like younger guys, then... I think that they have nothing to say? Well, I sincerely do appreciate their thoughtfulness although I do feel a bit bugged that some of my movements are being watched with gentle encouragement.

I even told them to create opportunities for someone else, instead of me.

However, I was interested to know their views on love, and a life partner, as I do respect them, and their ideals matter to me. It varied a lot - one had many expectations, typical Singaporean ones, not unrealistic, quite commonplace actually. The other, more simplistic ones. Just a man that loves children, no bad habits, and is a christian. Some of us could not believe that she had no other hidden criterias, but perhaps, her love is a simple one, too.

The second night I stayed out, chatting with Shiner. Wanted so much to really chat with him the way we could, on the phone, before everything fell apart... And also, to stop the girl-talk(I'm not really a girl-talk kinda person I guess!) I missed the happy times, something that I cannot get back now. Perhaps having this expectation makes the whole atmosphere tense and strained. I've changed a lot in the past months, and so as he. We did disagree, I was frustrated, to say the least. Both hearing but not really listening, both wanting input but not willing to change their minds. I respect his worldview too, but it's just something that I cannot be a part of. I will never be content with a HDB flat, with simple home-cooked meals, soup with dinnertime meals (no doubt, it's delicious) with infrequent travels and... a typical life.

Too free spirited perhaps, not many share my view. But you make your life to what you want it to be. And I can accept that you want a simple life, a simple love. Just that, it's not my cup of tea and I find it hard to change that. Different expectations from different worldviews. Can't we be friends without any expectations of the other to change? Which is better? Who knows? Who will be happier, the one who stays or the one who wants to fly?

I don't really know.

Trip to Banda Aceh - Reflection 01

Father, You are King over the flood.

A personal reflection of the trip to Banda Aceh with Habitat for Humanity, 04-10 December 2005.

This trip is a really meaningful one for me, because it took so much (effort and prayers) to get there. Eventful from the start, the poignant memories etch deeply on my soul. Felt a myriad of emotions, ranging from desperation to jubilation. The sky seems so huge and me, so small when I look up and see emptiness of the lands, stretching far beyond the horizon.

The tsunami (We were at Tibang Village) destructed all, even trees, save for a few lone coconut trees and remnants of foundations left standing. Small crabs made their dwelling amongst the sands we used for shovelling and creating the base of what was to be a house. Nearby us, ducks swam happily, kampung chickens chased each other, the ocassional sounds of goats bleating and gunshots from the military schools nearby were commonplace in the villages. Only the piles of debris left, even one year later - too much to clear, just left alongside the roads and the destruction of houses. We walked on paths that were made of broken bricks and cement, probably from houses that were destroyed. All around lay fragments of what used to be homes - columns, bricks, bars, even toilet facilities that seemed to be peeking out from a garden overrun with flowers; only later we realised that there used to be a house there.

The villagers seemed to accept their 'fate', their lives with relative ease; but the psychological effects still run deep for the people who not only have lost homes, but livelihoods and families. Our guide, Aan(Volunteer Manager for Habitat), told us that Habitat's mission is not only to rebuild homes but to give a sense of hope for the people. For some, looking forward to a home is all they have left for. Some try to numb the pain with marijuana or other drugs, even though the strict syriah laws prohibit intoxication of any sort.

Some village children came to our resting tent to play with us during the breaks. Our hearts welled up with sympathy when we gently asked the village children what happened last year when the tsunami struck. One was missing a mother, others lost parents and siblings. But being young and probably not fully understanding the meaning of death, they just answered guilelessly without any sorrow, while we choked and tried not to appear too emotional. These children who survived were bundled up into a truck and carried further away, uphill.

We saw a small ship, carried by the raging waters inland and 'landed' on top of a bungalow house. I wondered what happened to the owners, perhaps, they were gone, too. This house became a sightseeing opportunity with many people, tourists, taking photos in front of it. Photos cannot do it justice because you just have to go there and see it for yourself, a ship on top of a house, in the middle of a village inland, many km away from the shore. Another ship which 'landed' inland became a generator building - too huge to remove, it will become a permanent landscape for these simple people whose lives will never be the same again.

Someone scribbled a message on the walls of the house with the small ship, stating "Tsunami ada mesed dari Tuhan" - They believe that this is the wrath of God.

For what and for whom, perhaps no one can explain.

First day - overcast skies

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

At Medan airport enroute to Banda Aceh

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

High morale! First day group shot

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Saying hello to a goat

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Spot the ducks in the background!

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

With the volunteer managers, Agus and Aan.

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Some of us with the kids

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Children from the village - Elyas, Nurul, Una and a boy.

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Habitat, near the warung kopi shop

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Nearly completed house

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

At the worksite, shovelling sand

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Together with Danamon Team

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Children from Village, lining up

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Road view of houses, Tibang Village

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Ship on top of house - Last day sightseeing

Aceh Trip. 04-10 Dec 2005

Enroute

Realise how many people are really concerned about me and my trip! (Countdown: 4 more hours before leaving for airport) And hey hey, I'm just so touched, Narnar gave me a little gift, P gave me a hug, K said he would miss me, J wanted to fetch me to the airport, G & C prayed for me on-the-spot, countless others' well-wishes just touched me so so much. Never realised I'm so loved, haha!

And Grasshopper called me like 6 times today (my fault, I keep missing calls)... I think he's worried... well I'd be back soon if that's any consolation. I'm really glad to be going on this trip.

Words cannot express!

Poster for Grass' biz.

Enlightenment

Enlightenment.

Spent some time with Grasshopper again yesterday. Hung at Orchard and later at City Hall. Told Shiner that I realise why I'm deeply touched that someone just wants to spend time with me. It's a choice, right, whether or not you want to spend time with this person or not. And we both made this choice to spend time with each other. So this thought is just quite touching. Quantity Time.

He bought a book for me - The Tibetan book of living and dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. Really thick. I shall read it when I go to Aceh and perhaps become an expert. =) Talking about Buddhism stuffs really makes me reminisce about the time in college, studying Design Theory electives - Remember the course that was about Buddhism architecture - the stupas, the mandalas, the sentient, the transient... Actually it's all quite interesting just that the lecturer who happens to be a friend of mine, cannot explain it really well. Like everything is shrouded in some sort of mystery and only the truly enlightened can begin to understand all of the forms and ... structures. Grass let me listen to this recording of this Indian guru expounding on the way of the Bodhisattva. The story goes like this(summarized):

About Shantideva. "During his childhood he had great respect to his parents, and his friends had great respect for him due to his extraordinary behavior. His father(King) died in order to show that sentient beings are subject to impermanence, and after this Shantideva developed more realizations into impermanence and death. When his father died, the subjects asked Shantideva to take his father's position. He could not refuse this, so he accepted to take the position of king. The night before the ceremony he had a dream about the throne he was going to sit on. Manjusri showed up in his dream and said: "You are going to sit on my throne. You are my student. How could student and disciple sit on the same throne?"

As he rose up from this dream, he realized he would be more beneficial to other people if he became a monk than a king. The same night he left for Nalanda monastery.

Students at Nalanda who didn't like Shantideva wanted to have him expelled from the monastery. They stated that the place is full of scholars, and said Shantideva is no scholar, he just knows about eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom.

So they asked Shantideva to give a teaching, and if he didn't do this, he would have to leave the monastery. They asked Shantideva to give a teaching. Shantideva didn't accept the first time, only the second time when asking did he accept their request. They planned to insult him in a big group of students. They built a very high throne(no staircase), assuming Shantideva would not know how to get up on the throne. They also assembled a big group of monks. When Shantideva came to the throne, he touched the throne, and the big throne shrank down so Shantideva could get up on it.

So this immediately gave a strange feeling to the group -- how could this happen? Then Shantideva sat on the throne and asked the group what kind of teaching he should give, something that has been taught before, or something that has never been taught before? The monks requested him to teach something that has never taught before. So this is why Shantideva taught Bodhisattva's Way of Life.Shantideva gave this teaching, and when his teaching came to the ninth chapter (the Wisdom chapter), there's a phrase in this chapter, "…whatever is existent and nonexistent..." At this point he rose to the sky, and from the sky he gave the tenth chapter.

He was invisible for the people, but they could hear his teachings.
The monks and the people who liked Shantideva felt very sad as Shantideva was now gone, and those who were against him felt very impressed and very sorry about what they'd done. "

I thought this story quite... interesting.

And into the wee hours of yesterday, lounging in X hotel, listening to 3 man band renditions of "Put your head on my shoulder" and "Love me(Colin Raye)" we were just dialoging, me sharing about my thoughts, my ministry, things that mean a lot to me. I asked him again, what do you really care about? I believe knowing what you really care about is important, for me I'm trying to find out too!

He said I wouldn't understand. I said, "Perhaps. But I'd try my best." Sometimes when you open your soul and mind, you start to open your heart too. He said, he cares about enlightenment. Such a beautiful word. And there's when I start to listen, to the story, to his heart.

In interpersonal communication, it is always good to keep an open mind.

There is a purpose for everything. An incident that caused me much sorrow more than a year ago, preps me up for this encounter now. And should I be on guard? Well, definitely. But if not for the previous incident, I might not know what I'm getting myself into this time round.

101 things in 1001 days Part 1

Creating my own 1001 day project. http://www.triplux.com/1001/otherlists.asp

The mission: To complete 101 pre assigned tasks in 1001 days.

Shall accept the challenge! And also take some time to think about it.

Some of the things that I (really, really) want to do/accomplish. These I can think offhand:

1. Master Bahasa Indonesia well enough to go solo into villages without a guide.
2. Travel to Australia. (Visit Ms BestFriend, backpack, see penguins)
3. Travel to Canada. (My co's incentive trip)
4. Learn driving...
5...And buy a car! Volks/Renault/...
6. Get a promotion.
7. Study Greek.
8. Backpack around South East Asia.
9. Start painting canvases again. Paint a picture.
10. Write a novel.
11. Write a song, sing it, record it down and play it for at least 2 people to critique.
12. Go without meat for a week.
13. Go without tea or coffee for a week.
14. Buy a plot of land.
15. Visit a micronation. (Eg Vanuatu)
16. Buy a new cell phone (Mine is running out of memory space for new contacts)
17. Go for a facial/spa/massage regularly
18. Watch a play/musical at the Esplanade every year.
19. Dye my hair red again (My trademark, can't believe it's been some time since...)
20. Read every word of the Message Bible.
21. Take care of my skin - Drink more water, use lotions, detox, sunscreen etc

Okay all I can think of for now. Should be done with the list in 2006 maybe...

Sunnydale cell Christmas desktop wallpaper

Sunnydale Christmas e-card

Meme: Daily Affirmations

Overstretched my left gluteus maximus yesterday whilst gymming, so now I walk limply as though my hip flexors are shortened. Haha!

So in the monday morning meeting we had to fill up the sheet given with some motivational messages. As always I try to take corporate stuff seriously. Really.

(what I wrote)

I am... (Have to fill in 5 blanks, la...)

I am book smart and street smart. Well at least more so than the average Singaporean. Although I'm only armed with an honors degree for now, I do hope to do a Masters' soon, followed by Doctorate ho! I've travelled alone, on flights and buses to our nearest third world country, a single girl alone, I guess that verifies the latter 'affirmation'.

I am soulfully imaginative. Mum told me I make daily decisions with my soul. And I tend to be spaced-out, drifting in my own utopia, from time to time.

I am a turnaround leader, I am capable in the areas wherein my passion lies, I am loved by God - therefore I am special.

Yay.


*Read aloud the above 3 times a day. (a bit ridiculous, I am not going to do it.)

Well, I know who I am and... yea!

Told Gene and Fangy that to know what we like about someone, as friends or otherwise, it is one of my principle to write down everything I like about them. In my journal, in numberical order. Hee. It's quite fun, and also gives you a good reminder in the future should you both forget the reason why you like each other.

Also it proves (at least to me) that my likings for people are not based on superficialities - unless all the things I write are based on exterior. Haha! And I always have to write at least 10 to show to myself that hey, this person actually has enough good qualities to welcome him/her into my life (Nah just joking! That's so... ... )

I wrote about someone today. Hit 20. Wow.

Aceh, 11 months later.

Received a copy of the International Herald Tribune for Fri/Sat, was quite surprised to see an article about Aceh (Yes! I'll be there in 6 days!) on the front page.

Lengthy article but it's a really well described one - newsworthy yet heart-wrenching. Kudos to Barry Bearak of the New York Times for contributing his story.

"Aceh can't forget the ghost in the sea" http://www.iht.com/articles/2005/11/25/news/tsunami.php

The intangible

Happiness is the soul's joy in the possession of the intangible.

The supreme courage of life is the courage of the soul. It is living, day by day, sincerely, steadfastly, serenely, - despite all opinions, all obstacles, all opposition. It means the wine of inspiration from the crushed grapes of our sorrows. This courage makes the simplest life, great; it makes the greatest life - sublime. It means the royal dignity of fine individual living.

-William George Jordan

in·tan·gi·ble adjective: incapable of being touched : having no physical existence : not tangible or corporeal

I want. To have a decent conversation over coffee discussing topics such as the meaning of things, past loves, and future hopes. To watch a beautiful sunset silently. To go to Labarador Park or Chek Jawa. To walk in the rain and huddle together with a cup of warm cocoa. To write little notes that mean a lot when read out and internalised. To sing and dance like no one's watching. To be touched. To be hugged. To be told that I'm good. To walk barefoot in the grass and then in the sand. To be lightly browned, sitting at the shore, and eat hotdogs and drink frappes all day. To read things to each other that are really meaningful. To receive overseas calls out of the blue from the ones that are away.

All I want for Christmas!

Trying to understand

God is light. God is love. - Book of John, Holy Bible.


Yesterday, I was told that "I am loved by the Lord."

Really touched.

Even more so that it came from Grass' mouth. =) The way he communicates is downright exasperating and draining at times, but the encouragement that comes unexpectedly, I treasure so much.

Manager told me today over kayatoast that we both(me and Grasshopper) really cannot make it, both of us are staunchly believing in different things, and neither would convert for the other. It's amazing how much my life becomes a table-conversation topic, çuz she mentioned that while I was not around yesterday the other consultant asked how was the outcome.(me and Grasshopper's eh, suspicious partnership/prospect deal) It's funny too how much the people around tend to overanalyze. Well, manager said that she's thankful I'm not those overly zealous christians who go around trying to convert anyone they meet. I tried to act like one, unconvincingly, just for laughs... It's strange that since Grass arrived, the subject of religion has become something that is openly discussed.

And I think I will not respect anyone that would convert his/her religion for me. Nor would I respect myself much if I were to do the same. But I understand how the subtle pressure that exerts itself amongst friends could be annoying at times. I think people need to be understood. Countless times, Grass thinks he understands me very well (yea right) and always telling me that I don't understand. Which I countered back with, "What make you think I don't?'' Perhaps the people around us try to understand us, and they think they do. But on our part, we are not trying hard enough to understand them. I always tell my cell members when salting, 'that they don't care how much we know, until they know how much we care.' I'm trying to be more open, to be more understanding. To respect people as they have respected me, and not shoving the gospel down their throats and talking about Jesus all the time, but also not being nonchalant and losing the opportunities that present itself.

I realised that my division is a strongly christian one, but the ones around me are all prebelievers. Although I do long for some positive spiritual impact from my superiors, I realise that I have the power to influence them as well. Manager has said that her life has changed since the less-than-two-months I've been here. All I hope to do is to make a positive impact on the lives of others.

Sometimes we care too much about keeping up appearances that we fail to be real. I think I neglect this area! I used to care, too much. Whether I have the position to impact someone, how I can go about doing it. Now, I'm so motivated, I talk to anyone, people on the street, in the lifts, with two agendas. One, to smile at them and brighten up their day. The other... ... to understand humankind a little bit better. Meeting difficult people can dampen my mood, really...But it's the gems like Grass, Warren, Brain, Rudy, Lilth - nice strangers that I meet out there, friendly and helpful, that really sets a standard for me in the way I treat others lesser than me.

I'm vowing to not avoid canvassers of any type and being friendly to all the people who approach me from now on. It's only 2 minutes of my time anyways, but to make someone's day? Hey, that's priceless.

=)

Conversations about God

Met Grasshopper again today. Just wanted to spend time, have a meal and meet up... I was in an antagonistic mood, which I'd warned him earlier, but he seemed to ignore this fact, and further agitate me. Well, I guess the cold weather made me pretty chilly to all of his crappiness. In fact, I got a bit of Grass-overdose, went back to the office pretty fed-up and burst out to Manager who soothed me and helped me to focus. Guess Grass felt it too, I was just moodily walking slowly, and he stopped the irritating stuff. In the evening it was so much better and we managed to patch things up somehow. Gosh, I spent like 7 hours with him today. I really enjoy his company though, we should have more people like him in this world. I'm glad I met him.

What made me quite perturbed was the issue of God, and how fast this discussion should creep up. What can I say to someone who is so much like me that he believes as deeply, as strongly as me, just that he believes in a different thing? And deep down, I do fear that I'm not as strong, not as convicted as him, that somehow through talking to him I will become unravelled. An irrational fear that persists, and makes me antagonistic to all his ponderings.

I knew he was going to ask.

I was afraid of what I was going to say.

Grasshopper asked me today, "WHO IS GOD?" I mean, how do you explain God, who God is to me...Who God is to me does not define who is God, and how do you explain, that He is the Father of all creation, the maker of Heaven and Earth? How do you tell someone that God, to you, is not just a distant being, but someone REAL, who cares about you and knows about you like no one else does, and most of all, answers all your prayers, and is faithful to you beyond reason, despite all the bad things I've done, despite all the failures, that He is there, He is ALWAYS there. And how do you link it to the part where faith comes in, where you have to believe in Him (Grass asked if it's blind faith?) It's not, how do you explain faith? How do you explain that to someone who doesn't believe, but wants to know?

So I just sincerely did it in the best way I could.

I looked into his eyes and told him, God is someone that loves you.

I hoped that touched him. I hope that it makes a difference to someone who says he cares about everything, and yet nothing, yet when I asked him what he truly cared about, he doesn't really know. Maybe he doesn't bother. Or that life to him, is carpe diem.

I could cry. I did, you know. Just thinking about God. Shed a few tears in front of Manager too as I related about the day. Guess I'm learning how to be real.

The certainty of uncertain things felt

If things were certain, if I only knew what I was going to say would change your mind, what I was going to do would change the world, if only I knew.

I still don't know now, nor do I want to come to a realisation that some things should be stopped, some should not, even though sometimes I stop those that don't need stopping, just because I'm scared that my fragile emotions will shatter into a thousand pieces.

Certain things, can only be measured in the spaces of time, certain things, with time, grows so much that it becomes something that exists, all of the sudden, as if it blossomed overnight.

And certain people can change your life so much, so fast, that you wonder what took place and how it happened.

To keep at arm's length is something I don't do very well.

Perhaps I'd like to repeat my mistakes, but this time, I'd be happy doing it. Really happy.
To keep at arm's length someone who has given me so much encouragement, happiness, and quantity time seems crazy. Now, knowing the repercussions, maybe I am on the path of no return. Or maybe I will return. =)

I can't help the way I'm thinking.

Gosh. Our decision determines our destiny, I know, and I'm supposed to be way mature for my age, a role model to many.

But sometimes I just want to have fun.

To be myself, and to experience certain things in life I never will have the chance to if I decide not to. Immature thinking?

I'm still young, I need some time. To be certain of things felt not said, just expressed in a single look or a warm touch. Actions speak louder than words. My actions speak loud, to me. My actions determines the uncertain. I'm losing it...

A positive impact

I'm just starting out, but I know what I'm going to be.

Grasshopper asked me (naively) if I am a hardcore christian, I was pretty amazed he knew. Then he started singing this ancient hymn that even I have not heard before. Despite me not saying anything about it to him, so far. But on my part, since the day I met him, I have been praying that somehow God will show Himself to him. I'm really happy to have met Grasshopper. He makes me happy, and speaks my love language all too well. I should not beat myself up for being too close to him in such a short period of time. But all the same, I do worry about whether this is going to last and where will this journey lead. And is he like this, to all the other people he recently met too? Or am I different, a special one? I can't tell. I'm content for now for the amount of time he is willing to spend and offer to me, and the wonderful conversations of a familiar-yet-strange kind.

One reason why I relate so well with him is because I see so much of myself in him, the good; and the bad. He is the bold part of me that I've kept supressed for so long, the fire, and the constant enthusiasm that perks the whole place up. Grasshopper reminds me of myself, of who I can be in front of others, as long as I just let my guard down, and be happy, like the old days. Meeting him is like meeting an old friend I forgot I once knew.

Surprisingly, I find myself, more peaceful, more certain, more at ease with the world. I start talking to people, these days, more often that I normally do. Even in lifts. Even the coffee-sao, today I found out her name is Mary. It's amazing what some daily encouragement from someone does for you daily. I shall encourage the familiar strangers around me too.

Thank God for the rain. Walking in the rain, with the cute colleague today. Was in a hyper mood so made him share his tiny umbrella with biggie me. He's nice but really guarded, and the type that would never ever approach people on the street so I was wondering what is he doing in my job. Anyways, he's nice. So, I found out during our sojourn that I'm influential, too, in a way. Was telling him about Grasshopper, he remarked that he sort of knew about it... And so I 'scolded' him for eavesdropping, a mean feat as I'm about 4 metres away from him. He remarked that I spoke quite loudly on the phone and everyone including him could overhear anything I said to anyone, haha... Well, it's either that, or they are learning how to talk to people from me. Or perhaps they are just not working! I must say that I 'eavesdrop' too, but with the intention of learning what not to say, and how to build rapport. So wow. I always knew they were eavesdropping so sometimes I go manager's room to call. But wow, I feel quite pleased knowing he's always listening.

Read something that impacted me, about influence. Some people are supposedly natural, but I think it takes the will and also actively doing it. I want to be more influential. I cannot believe how some leaders influence no one. Hey, if you are a leader, you are supposed to be influential, it says so in your 'name'! I want to be someone that develops leaders one day, who develops other leaders and in so doing, achieve success! Which cannot be measured in monetary terms, only the quality of life.

At the bottom level, the person influences: no one. This, I find very very sad 'cuz I believe that hey, even a little office boy or cleaner can influence someone. Right? Well, maybe no one wants to listen to their opinion and perhaps they are not allowed to talk. The next level, the person influences: some people. I think that's the norm. Next, influence: only the people under them... Again, very sad case. Those people, got no choice but to listen. Hey, at least they do. The next level is better: influences their peers, yay! Next: influences the people above them - I know I'm doing this already! Influencing Manager, already a month with her and now she speaks like me with my strange slang - and always uses my cute phrases... typically I do it many times in a day... The top level, influences: Everyone. People who write books, do speeches, that sort of thing. I hope to be up there someday! One of the ways I know, for myself, is that I need to talk more, especially in larger groups. I'm very comfortable to share, influence and inspire in small groups, but in large ones I tend to only focus on the people left and right of me, and also, be more of a crappy person. Serious stuff I cannot handle well talking to big groups, when I realise 10 pairs of eyes on me listening intently, I gulp and start to... be funny. It's a wonder how I managed to get through each session I lead. =)

So, hope to influence someone everyday! One day I will realise it, like how I realised it today. I'm happy for that, I hope I made a positive impact.

Keeping silent

Just had a fleeting thought that it would be nice to have a manual, an easy-to-read book about everything that we could possibly wonder in life.

Maybe, I will write one someday and it would be a bestseller.

I guess, Life always brings many unexpected surprises.

Like the meeting of kindred spirits, the outcome of things done that you never knew created opportunities in life for you to be happier, to improve the quality of life, to learn, to find joy.

In the diaspora of hundreds and hundreds of people, it is often hard to realise that in the crowd, there would be one person who's waiting to meet you.

Sometimes it's easy, almost effortless, the coincidental meetings forged by just being in that place, at that point of time, with that person.

Other times, it's difficult. To think that you might have overlooked people you pass by everyday, hence losing many opportunities, seems to me such a devastating thought. Imagine, if no one had the initiative, and just kept silent.

Perhaps I am prone to keeping silent many times in the past. It's been said, some people fall under the 'observant' category, some under 'oblivious', and some 'on target!' I've been, too often, too observant, only talking with my skinny eyes, longing and wishing for something to happen but never doing anything about it, until the opportunity is gone.

Been hanging with Grasshopper lately, he's someone that is a male version of me (manager: That's terrible! Me: Stop it!) only that he is naggier and ... slightly blur...okay I am, too... We like to space out and think about stuff. Seeing him everyday has been wonderful, it's almost like we have known each other for ages, yet it's been barely days. I just hope to guard my heart in this friendship - although to me, between friends, there is no such thing as being too close. Let's see how it goes, I rarely meet someone so much like me, haha! I do enjoy his company very much, and surprisingly I'm not as irritated by him as all the other extroverted males in my cohort. To think that we almost never got acquainted with each other seems horrendous to me now. Lei was with me that day at Cltax, she is amazed how close we are now. Make friends easily, my forte. All the same I'm still guarded - I need quantity time which I do get from Grass... =) We have declared ourselves 'partners', businesswise, hope that it will be a fulfilling time together.

Keeping an open mind is a good thing. As long as it's coupled with a guarded heart.

Brain drain

More often than not, it's less tiring to sort out my thought process first before embarking on anything that requires more than a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Although I do get 'brain-drain' easily. Should eat more brain foods... like banana? Eeuwww. Well been thinking about many things during my daily transport times, from mundane everyday things to wondering about issues that cannot be answered easily to the societal pressures of life here... Can one actually run away from oneself? And can one actually be oblivious to the effect one has on their friends, on their sphere of influence? I hope that I am a person of influence, yet sometimes I just don't want anyone to be impacted by me, by the look on my face, by the things I say or don't say, by the things I do. Sometimes, it's easier to do things when you don't care about the repercussions or when you think no one knows or bothers. It's amazing cuz I think people get headaches from either worrying too much, or thinking too much. I fall in the latter category. I'm shocked at people who never think, who, when I talk about something deep and important to me, they just smile amusedly and say they never think about that, or these thoughts have never occurred to them before. That's why I was sharing with Squirrel, sometimes I feel as though no one understands me. But for Squirrel, I know he always does. That's the difference. The world does not seem so bleak when you can find kindred spirits.

The nightmares doesn't help, either. Just woke up and it is still in my mind. Choosing not to dwell on it!

And having these thoughts that occupy my mind makes me sort of tuned out to society and normal daily activities. Well I guess I like it better this way. A remark from Squirrel made me realise how decadent our Society is, and how extorbitant... Why do we need so much money to survive (here) anyways? Everything is so... decadent... So commercialised. Especially Christmas is commercialised. Can I not buy anything from the shops this year? It's almost impossible. But I want to buy what I truly need, not what they say I should buy. I think I'm running away from the realities of this world. Then again, I have to live with it.

Divine appointments

Prayer is a specific divine appointment, an ordinance of heaven, whereby God purposes to carry out His gracious designs on earth and to execute and make efficient the plan of salvation. The man of prayer is God's right hand man. In the realm of spiritual affairs, he creates conditions, inaugurates movements, brings things to pass.

Amazed at divine appointments, at how easily I meet people and being able to build rapport with them, making it easier to invite them to experience Jesus.

No matter how tired I am, I still want to ask one more, bring one more... ...

______________________________________

Gymming is great, start to recognize some of the people who frequent it, too. Realised I'm stronger than I think I am, really. Whoo, I can push 90lbs and lift 60lbs quite easily now... There's that swift satisfaction of being able to do it! And of course now I look... healthy. Thin, but healthy. Been eating slightly more proteins on purpose. Meat and stuff. Which I like, so isn't a big effort for me.

I still save all his mails

It's funny (Okay, maybe funny is not a suitable word to use) the way how some friendships are.

Some are driven apart by conflicting schedules so that you can only meet once or twice a year, but still when you meet it's as though no time has passed, and the level of closeness is as before, the only difference is that perhaps you look slightly different from the last time you both met.

Some are driven together by similar environment or situational, yet precisely because of the convienience you don't really care that much should anything happen to drive it apart...until it is driven apart, for whatever absurd reasons; or perhaps no significant reason at all.

It's strange how certain friendships turn out.

Mine with Ches was unusual to say the least. Wrote about it before here, that from the time I knew him, never talked to him at all for a span of about two years or more. Never thought that we could clique, much less have a decent conversation. We moved in different circles in a similar environment. It was only after he was confirmed leaving Singapore that we became close. During the years that he was in Singapore, we never met nor went out, not together singly; not in a group. After he left, it became a must for us to meet up whenever he manages to drop by.

I always feel so privileged to meet him because despite the friends that he has made here, those that were closer to him in church, he only wants to meet me and another friend; not even wanting to tell 'the rest' that he was here. The last time round, it was like this, too. I'm not allowed to tell them either, until he is gone, tomorrow! Guess we both have a special place in each others' hearts, although we refuse to admit to it, or anything more.

The number of words we exchanged through email in the first six months was more than the ones we managed to converse face-to-face in the last 2 years. It's true that we don't treasure interpersonal relationships until we know that there is an expiry date to it. The only words I remember saying to him every time we met in church was, "Hello, Mr Fernandez", because I saw his name printed on his bible and all the while I only knew him as Ches, till then. And that was all I had to say, and being the quiet person he is, never said much either.

And through the long emails pondering about life, writing out our heartfelt thoughts about our spiritual struggles, our relationships with the ones in our sphere, the things we had to go through, a deep bond was formed. I'm old-fashioned, I love a good old letter to pore over and read, and reread again. I still save all his mails. I cannot bear to delete them. (Although now with gmail, they claim I never need to delete anything again...)

I'm so glad to finally see him. =) Took a mental photograph of him, a vivid picture in my memory's eye now; that will slowly fade as the days drag on. Hope this picture lasts six months, till I get to see him again.

Been waiting for tomorrow for 7 months

Meeting Ches tomorrow, means so much to me.

It's the only and LAST time I can see him this year. The last time that I could see him(March this year), I was very miffed, 'cuz I had dengue and there was no chance I could recover miraculously in time. Going to be a really hectic Sunday as I rush to 3 different appointments, plus 2 clashing ones. Being a leader means morning 9AM meetings at church for consecutive Sundays, I never get enough sleep! Can't be everywhere at the same time, all the same, I wish I could put everything down just for one day and do absolutely nothing. Then again, I would be bored to death!

And I combed my hair today and everyone noticed. What...Aye, I never comb my hair. Ok, seldom. To suit my inner messy, unconventional personality I usually tie it carelessly in a knot with strands falling down and blah blah, my usual style la, the grunge look. It's amazing what a brush can do! 'Cuz of the special service, I combed my hair a hundred times, and put 3 different styling products on it. Today the first thing the guys in cell asked me, you did something to your hair? Looks different...Nice lei... hmmm from this experience apparently guys(in my social circle anyways) like those long-haired, let-down, cover-the-face, with-fringe- kind of hairstyles. The typical gu-niang look of which I am not fond of. Already found this hairstyle very irritating when I kept it on for a few hours. I like to show off my cheekbones, ha! =P Hope my future life partner doesn't fancy this look...If he does... I'd ask him to perm his hair...(Cuz I adore fuzzy wuzzy hair ...wooo)


4 oikos from cell came today for YAS and I think that's fantastic. Although I don't know what happened to my 2 who are supposed to appear...But I believe that the prayers solicited will impact their lives in a way I cannot begin to fathom. Heard from Nars about his friend P who somehow 'trusted in God' after I challenged him at Silver Rain. Now, I don't usually challenge people about faith, and that was somewhat encouraging to me, although I haven't got the full details about the whole miracle that took place. Waiting for his email, so that I can get a fuller picture of what is the outcome. I do hope that Nar's friend becomes a regular member... It would be great to hear him share his testimony one day. Actually had clammy hands watching my lil members sharing on stage before their water baptism, they were really happy about it! It's time to move on to another level...Next year, hope to see them as potential cell leaders, nurturing people who need to grow on. We all wore pink, even the guys, hahaha...Methinks they enjoy it secretly...We were so highly noticeable, though, sighs...Everyone kept asking us if it's planned, obviously it was... Although the time we wore yellow wasn't. =)

And, my resistance training is paying off... From the first time to the gym, last friday, to the 3rd time, I've already lost 2 kg. I'm not amused! Already quite *ahem* slim... Used different machines from the last time round, more effective...discovered muscles in places I never knew it could exist, haha!

Daytrip n Rupiah's looks

Hmm. I suppose I should say something about the photos. Aye went to Bintan for a day, stocked up on stuff that I would need for the Aceh trip.

Got: anti-bacterial socks to wear with the construction boots, white tee-shirts with my-type-of-prints, one that says "Military Engineer" whee! (I bought 5, my friends are going to get sick of seeing me in them everyday), a stylo hat, and construction worker pants that my sister commented looked really construction worker, haha! Most importantly, bought an Inggeris-Bahasa guide, small pocketbook. I shall carry it around everyday when I'm there.

And drink Sosro everyday.

I'm so looking forward just to drink it. Sosro addict, methinks. Apart from a good chocolate cake, I get high on tea as well. Makes me happy and hyper. Drink tea almost everyday! Can't lug away bottles and boxes of it in my backpack though... =) After the briefing yesterday, my enthusiasm for the trip is mounting! Sheepy said he has been waiting for this a long time, haha...since july! Well, I have been praying hard for it! Finally! Can't wait to pound the 'batus' and use the 'gergajis' on the 'kayu'...

And it does feel good to carry wads of thousands dollar notes with me... 25000 my hat cost. Realised that the notes looked rather different from what I remember. Gave Shiner 5000 (hahaha!) on his birthday, the note now looks different? Smaller, duller colors? (Brown and green, bad combination if you ask me.) Did they change their currency in the last few years? *stops awhile to google my meanderings*

The one I gave Shiner looked like this:










Big, bright and crispy papered! Nice, right... (Oh I like crispy money!) The 5000 that is used today:Some cautious looking man in a turban with a conical beard. The dull, brown and green combi. Not crispy... Boooo. Didn't know my 5000 note became antique. If I knew, I would have kept it and not gave to Shiner... Can take back? To think that I was joking with him, saying that if you keep it longer... ...the more worthless it becomes. Cannot even buy toilet paper next time. (For the uninitiated, I was referred to the inflation and current rupiah's situation in forex right now. Which is, sinking...)

Well!

I still have thousands left for my Sosro when I go to Aceh, whee!

Indon kelong called Kpg Bestari near Batu Lapan

Indon kitty. Sounds different when mewing, too

Team!

"Personnel determines the potential of the team.
Vision determines the direction of the team.
Work ethic determines the preparation of the team.
Leadership determines the success of the team."

-- John C. Maxwell


One of my goals in the year ahead, committing myself to be a better cell leader, to move people on and inspire potential they never knew they had. And above all, to give glory to God for all the successes. I believe for more. =)

Any other Tuesday

Setting goals and building rapport.

Learnt about building rapport as a very important part of my job, so I practiced it on a call today. Tried to sound sympathetic to an acquaintance who just crashed his car.
I jokingly asked,

"Oh, you banged your car against a lamp-post?"

He seriously replied, "Yes. How did you know?"

Ummm. Well the good thing is that we agreed to meet for coffee next week.

And I was sleepy in the morning so I called one oikos that I met in the REAL Run, hoho. Met two that day. Amazingly he's coming on Saturday. I still can't believe it. I'm sure he will appear and that the message will speak to him. Sometimes it's just so easy to bring people to church. Especially now, if we all just bother to actually a-s-k. Setting goals is one area in my life that I'd have to work on, especially if I want to succeed and not waste the months and years away. Felt that somehow after the honors course I sort of lost my momentum, my vision, and direction, I have been wandering around for some time now. But I digress. Early this year I set a personal target for myself, to bring 12 oikos who are FTVs to Trinity this year. One for each month! From the start, I did well, brought 5 already since April, ... but after that I guess I lost the touch, or just the guts to ask people to come. And keep asking, and asking and asking! I've met and made friends with so many new people this year, I believe it is God's answer to my prayer for divine appointments, each time I go out.

I'm going to be a gym addict soon...It's fun to lift weights and stuff... I think I'm quite sadist... like to do to the extreme... push and push myself and then ache real bad the next day. The Counterpain muscle rub is really lousy... and such a strong scent...EukyBear is so much better! (Australian kids' cold rub which works for muscle aches and pain as well) I cycled too fast last friday, quads were aching till I couldn't even turn my legs while sleeping!!

Realised it's still cheaper to not get a membership even if say I go twice a week... Saw Batman again, was sort of hoping to see him, although I cringe when it comes to talking. My cell ladies were soooo encouraging though, it was so funny, everytime Batman walked by they would keep giggling and pointing, so reminiscent of oldskool days. Hope Batman doesn't get the wrong idea! Well, I do have my reservations after several bad experiences this year. I just hope that my actions would not be misrepresented. Batman! It's so funny... Well, I will pick up my guts and ask on friday. By chance.

It's a really good day today. Just like any other Tuesday.

A warrior or a wimp?

Pour. Pour out the troubles of my heart on the small white pieces of paper. Scribble down my dreams in a notebook. Write my goals on a post-it note and stick it to my diary. Everyday. To remind myself everyday to accomplish things I never knew I could, to persevere in a way I never thought I would.

In the most dismal abyss, at the point of no return, when you've reached the place of disillusionment; then only, can you know what real faith is. What seems perfect, pure and unattainable. And then you realise, there is no way I can be like that guy.

But my small ounce of faith, he knows. My little pleas for help, he listens. And in the prayers that are answered I draw strength for the ones not yet answered. Starting again to hear the still small voice that I've been trying to for so long. Slowly, I'm regaining my strength. And there are many things still.

I used to think that FEAR was never in my vocabulary. Since I was young, I was never afraid of anything. Not the dark. Not death, nor sickness. Not even pain nor irrational phobias like crossing overhead bridges and whatnot. But these days, I realised I'm so afraid. I guess fear is a human emotion engineered to gear us towards a goal, or to separate the wimps from the warriors. The warriors are not those who have no fear, but those who are the most successful in overcoming theirs. I used to be afraid of being alone/left out/unwanted, although that was seldom the case, hehe. Now, I'm afraid of failing God. I'm afraid of being penniless. I'm afraid of not being successful... I'm afraid of just facing up to reality. Strange that I used to think that I was fearless.

I'm weary, I need rest. Yet I still need challenges. =)

angry? bored? frustrated? ...

Fallen - I've tried

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

-Sarah MaLachlan, "Fallen".

Though I've tried, picking up the pieces, igniting memories that once were, that should-not-be, struggling to be non-conventional in a society that despises the poor and the weird, with churning changes all around me, I've tried. I've tried.

I've tried not to care so much about others' feelings, I've tried to be selfish and only be inward looking...But through all my actions, it seems as though I still care.

I've tried to keep a distance, to keep at arms' length, to hold, to resist. Yet for all the efforts, I dream about it. My subconscious plagues me to return. Yet I cannot, although I want to. I will remember everything, that is me and my photographic memory's promise... although for now, just let me be. Fact is, I'm tired. I'm tired of changing and changing. Changing my mind, changing my opinions, my mindsets... what remains constant is my beliefs, which are already wavering in the face of all these changes. I'm tired of this world, of being here in this locale, with narrow minded people full of their own obstinate, insensible thoughts. I'm tired of having no one who truly understands me; and the very people who do, I fear getting too close to them and repeating my mistakes. I'm tired of people thinking they know me, but the fact is, just because they exchange a few words with me, doesn't mean that they understand me or my thought process or my relationships with other people or my spiritual level - and that doesn't give them the right to speak about anything pertaining to my interests whatsoever. I'm tired of the limelight, of the controversies that shows the downside of human nature. I just want to be myself, low-profile, going about doing what I long to. I'm tired of leading people that are non-movers, non-shakers...those that need a wake-up call. I wish I could just switch off my engine for a while and let someone else take over. I need a leader,too.

I'm tired of talking to people who don't understand. Who don't even try. Who start monologues of their own.

I need someone, too. To listen beyond what is being said.

That, to me, is a good listener. More than anything else.

I have not made up my mind. I'm afraid to. I don't know what my mind is thinking. Grr.

A conversation that took place, not too long ago...

He: Why do you keep talking about him?
Me: I don't keep talking about him! Only periodically!
He: No, you do...
Me: ...
He: You should ask yourself why you keep talking about him.
Me: Why should I ask myself? Of course I know why...
He: Do you really know why?
Me: You want to know?
He: No, I just want you to know why.
Me: I know why.
He: Good. If you know why.
Me: So do you want me to tell you why?
He: No, I just want to make sure you know why.
Me: Why?
He: ... ...
Me: @#?!?!

And so it went on like this. For some things, more so than others, the reason; though it may seem unclear to others, to me, it's like a reflection upon the clear, untroubled waters of my soul. Although I seem senseless and irrational to most, deep down I have my own weird logic in defining things.

And I forgot about this conversation until yesterday when I was lounging on the grass with Giffy at the SkyGarden. Dear Giffy who's also always there for me... who always tries not to let me pay, and tirelessly listens to me, better than anyone else ever could... Who is also leaving, like all my dear friends... overseas. It's either them or me. Me, making friends that like to leave here. Them, having a pro-overseas mentality. Else, the rest of my friends are not local anyways... Haiz

First thing in the morning

Prayer changes things.

If I could fly, I'd soar into the sky and pinpoint the exact direction to the location of where you are, and tap you from the back, and give you the shock of your life, delightedly. If you could fly, I'd want you to catch a star for me when you sail away. I would put them into glass bottles and in the years to come, I'd have bottles and bottles of stars, lining my shelves, under my bed, and along the walls of my room. And years later, the stars would still shine, brightly, a reminder of the times together, a reminder of you, a reminder of what I cherish about you.

Love is when you realise that you think about the person, the last thing you think about when you sleep at night, and the first thing in the morning. And little snippets of time that you have to yourself, you think about him, too. His name is never far from your lips, and when he calls you by your name, a tingly feeling creeps up your spine as you beam and reply in the affirmative. Love is when, you know and he knows, even though the future seems unobtainable, even though besides age or locale or race or tiny differences, there are many insurmountable barriers; but despite all obstacles, this one emotion is able to overcome all.

But instead of flying - we can't; we do mundane human things based on logic and other complex workings of the human mind that is unfathomable. We do not understand our thoughts, so we hide them under a blanket of pseudo psychology that tells us not to consider them as important and valued upon all.

So we ignore these thoughts in the morning and at night, we try to act nonchalant in front of the only person that we would want to marry, we pretend life carries on as usual, we pretend to be mean to the people we love, we lose contact with the person over time, and even as time passes, our short-term memory grows shorter and shorter, and we even forget about the love we shared, in the eventuality of time taking the place of our fleeting, fragile emotions that makes up the core essence of our souls.

Slowly and over time, perhaps through other friends' well-wishes, and some own longings as well, we start to look at other people again, with the desire of finding a soul mate, someone who can and will fulfil our needs, who brings out the best in us, and who loves us for who we are. So we search, we keep a lookout for the one that seems to be the best amongst all the other people we know; the one that fits our criteria, and our preferences. The one that we would secretly keep a lookout for them without them knowing, because we feel that they are someone we want to keep close to our hearts.

But we forgot that, we have forgot about the last person that we have felt so strongly about.

And we find ourselves falling for someone who seems to fit the pattern of the last person, and we question ourselves... Do we genuinely like this person, or are we just displacing our feelings, from the last...?

Maybe we haven't even realised that we have stopped ourselves from falling in love, again.